#ITS BEEN THREE DAYS AND IM FINALLY ABLE TO WRITE MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM COHERENTLY FUCK.

[luckyfaeth]

do revenge spoilers but i need to talk about this bc it wont leave my mind

simply cannot stop thinking about how eleanor wanted to hate drea so much. she did hate drea so much, and rightfully so. and we can see that channeling that anger was cathartic for her, but we also see the downfall of it. post-car crash, there’s a shift in eleanor as she’s staring into the mirror, and the montage of her and drea plays. 

she doesn’t want to like drea, she wants to keep hating her. but fuck, drea opened up to her so quickly, telling her that they were the same. they have the same anger. drea didn’t know how accurate that was at the time, doesn’t know the look on eleanor’s face as she realizes that she’s becoming what she thought she was out to destroy. 

that whole thing about how hate isn’t the opposite of love, indifference is? yeah. eleanor’s obssessed with drea, she’s been obsessed with her for five years. and to finally get close to her and realize how they’re two sides of the same coin, twin flames, etc etc, is as terrifying as it is comforting. 

even though their friendship was all part of eleanor’s plan, they had such genuine moments of joy and vulnerability and as all that is played over again in eleanor’s head, she realizes that she might have just fucked it all up. she thinks drea will never forgive her for what she did. that’s why she keeps going with her plan, i don’t think she really wants to at this point. 

that moment in the mirror as she smears her lipstick away, she’s messing up that perfectly crafted image she’s kept up in an act of defeat, while also fully committing to her #jokerarc because what other choice does she have? she started it, might as well finish it now since there’s no way in hell the one person she misses most would come back to her. 

except, drea does. because they’re fucked up soulmates. 

#do revenge #drea x eleanor #eleanor levetan #drea torres #~ #ITS BEEN THREE DAYS AND IM FINALLY ABLE TO WRITE MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM COHERENTLY FUCK.

[wheelsupinhotch]

cardigan -- Aaron Hotchner x Reader (Folklore inspired series)

Summary - Once moving out of yours and Aarons family home, you find an all too familiar item of clothing with dozens of memories locked away inside.

Request - None! Part of folklore inspired series x Aaron hotchner. I tried to base this around the Betty,James and Inez love triangle. The ending was kind of rushed so sorry if its bad! :)

Warnings - Slight angst, fluff, swearing, reader goes by they/them (Jack does refer to the reader as ‘mom’ at the end of the story) she/her he/him etc.. pronouns! ( note - I haven’t had chance to proof read this yet so if I slipped up anywhere please don't hesitate to let me know!).

Word count - 3848

Pairing - Aaron Hotchner x Reader

Click here for Masterlist

Requests are currently open but expect a slight delay in writing them as I am working on this series currently! :)

NOTE - I haven’t spell checked this so sorry for any errors! This is a long one!

‘Vintage tee, brand new phone. High Heels on cobblestones, When you are young they assume you know nothing’.

The day was finally here. After five years of you and Aaron building your house. You home together, it was time to move on to a new chapter in your life. So here you are opening those dull brown boxes putting every piece of you remaining in the house inside. Clearing through your bedroom, under yours and Aarons shared bed you come across a box you hadn’t seen in a long time. Scrawled on top in black marker ink, it read ‘CLASS OF 87’. Smiling to yourself you open the box of memories that had once been closed away for a long time in your mind. Behind you could here Aaron scattering around the with the removal team as you turned back and lifted the chronicle of teenage dreams. Flicking through each dust coated page, cuckling as there yours and Aarons yearbook pictures stared back at you. Continuing to sort through this box of memories, finding graduation scrawls and polaroids of long lost childhood friends. Piles of vintage tees and worn out heels.  At the bottom of the box there sat an all too familiar white cotton article. Delicately pulling the antique of teenage romance, lifting the cardigan you religiously wore every day in your junior year. Almost in awe of yourself as you held the cardigan, every lost memory began to open like a fairytale book. Remembering every laughter, every cry and every experience in the cardigan. It was in that moment that every fond memory you had in that cardigan came to life once again, etching the scenes into your mind like a movie screen.

‘Sequin smile, black lipstick. Sensual politics. When you are young they assume you know nothing’.

The heavy bass of the music echoed throughout the house of the current halloween party you found yourself at. Settling into a high school was never easy, especially at seventeen years old. So here you are with your newly found friend Inez dragging you through the heavy crowds of the heavily overrated gathering you were at.  Feeling heavily uncomfortable in the situation you found yourself in, you merged towards the kitchen standing against the counter slowing sipping away at whatever was in the bowl of punch. ‘Y/N come on” Inez whined as she saw my displeased taste in the party. ‘Inez, you go and mingle, I just don't feel comfortable and you just-’. Cutting me off almost in an instant she replies ‘Y/N, you’re new here this is a perfect opportunity to get to know everyone’ she emphasises. Sighing protestingly, ‘Okay fine, just give me a moment’. Slightly squealing, she walks away smiling at you as she gets lost amongst the crowds.

Standing there now alone, you swirl around the contents of your drink pondering on what to do. It wasn’t until that monet in the corner of your eye, there stood a guy. Dark black hair and an almost intimidating posture about him. A small smirk carved his way up his face as he glanced over at you. Quickly pushing the encounter to once side, you hear heavy footsteps and there stood next to you was the mysterious guy you found yourself staring at before. Smiling up at him you break into the conversation and say ‘Hi’ with an almost nervous undertone to your speech. ‘Hi, im Aaron- Aaron Hotchner.’ he introduces himself with a small smile, returning the same expression I say ‘Y/N L/N, lovely to meet you’. Slitchy etching forwards to you he says ‘Well Y/N thats a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. A small blush creeps over your face as you playfully roll your eyes ‘Wow Aaron, the classic cheesy compliment, a great way to greet a girl’ you joke. Small chuckles erupt between the two of you as he says ‘Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. So Y/n are you new around here, I haven’t seen you around before’. Almost instantly you respond ‘Yeah, my parents relocated because of their job and my friend Inez dragged me here but as you’ve probably already figured out, parties aren’t really my think’. A grin formed across his face as he said ‘Well as much as you may hate parties, what do you say you come and dance with me’. Instantly shooting him a look of no, he intrudes and says ‘Come on Y/N just one dance’ begging for you to come along with him, you reluctantly agree ‘Fine but only one Aaron’. Smiling at his ability to break through into you ‘Sure whatever you say Y/N L/N’

‘But I knew you, Dancing in your levi’s, Drunk under a streetlight’

Soon one dance at the party with Aaron, turned into multiple dances. Multiple dances turned into multiple drinks, and after preivously giving Inez the ‘Okay’ nod to go home, here you found yourself drunkenly walking home, intoxicated with your arms wrapped around his waist. Giggling between yourselves as you tried to navigate your way home, you felt Aarons embrace quickly detach yours as he made his way in front of you, loudly echoing the lyrics of the last song you danced too. Briefly and abruptly stopping he exclaims ‘Come on Y/N, dance with me’. Not having the energy to protest any longer, you comply and found yourself dancing around in the middle of the night, never wanting this moment in time to end.

‘I knew you. Hand under my sweatshirt, baby kiss it better /And when I felt like I was an old cardigan, under someone's bed you put me on and said I was your favorite’

After a long time of navigating your way home, you found yourself and Aaron at your doorstep with the dimly lit front porch lights reflecting on your faces. ‘Well this is me’ you announce, slightly smiling at Aaron as you edged your way forward towards him once more. ‘This is you’ he replied just below a whisper, so much so that his sentence was barley coherent. About to break the silence, you felt Aarons lips connected to yours, unexpectedly you felt yourself falling into the kiss like a scene from a movie. The Kiss deepening as you stood there in his embrace as his hand etched his way up your back. Soon after you break away from the ‘perfect’ kiss and stood in front of each other smiling. ‘I'll see you Monday Y/N’ he said as he backed away from your porch, ‘Yeah’ you reply not being able to form a sentence from the event that just occured. After Aaron had left, you scrambled around in your coat pockets finding your house keys when your hand stumbled upon an unfamiliar crumpled piece of paper. There was a number etched in poor handwriting with the name ‘Aaron :)’ on top it. Smiling to yourself you made your way back into your home, unable to fill your mind with anything else but the events from that night.

‘A friend to all is a friend to none, chase two girls lose the one. When you are young they assume you know nothing.’

Not long after the events of the Halloween party and yours and Aaron's building romance. You began to hang out with each other almost every chance you got. He would pick you up for school every morning, searching for you in break and lunch, taking you out on spontaneous dates to the movies. The two of you became inseparable. The reputation of yours and Aaron’s relationship became known across the school quickly, seen as the Bonnie and Clyde of the school halls. Never seen without each other most times. Your friend group began to grow soon after  you guys became official. Although you adored being settled into the highschool with the ‘perfect’ boyfriend and friend group, you couldn't help but feel isolated, lost with it all.

So here you are on your bed studying with Aaron sat across from you. His head heavily engrossed by what was on the pages. You on the other hand, couldn't concentrate. Consumed by these thoughts of isolation, you sighed heavily pushing the book away from you as you sat on your bed and pondered away. Aaron urgently noticing the change in your body language, he broke the comfortable silence by saying ‘What’s wrong babe, do you not get it?’. He questioned quizzically, presuming your reaction was from your school work. ‘No, no it's nothing babe honestly’ you replied immediately after. ‘Y/N, come on tell me, we never keep things from each other’ he said pushing away his own books to the side and bringing himself towards you. Your eyes meeting his heavy gaze, you sighed as you prepared yourself to pour of your feeling for the first time with Aaron. ‘It's just, this, Us I-’ you began, making Aaron panic as he thought you were about to breakup with him, virtues that feeling towards you through its eyes’ ‘NO! It's not that it's just- Everything between us happened all so quickly and here we are with this huge friendship group and heavily known relationship does it not- Does it not just get overwhelming sometimes’ you ramble on. Aaron quickly cutting you off says’ I understand Y/N I do, but nothing about this is ever going to change the way I see you. You’re everything I could have ever wanted so please do not be consumed with this thoughts babe. I love you’

I love you. The three words that head yet to be spoken between the two of you. Aaron proceeding to apologise for saying those words so fast, you cut him off with an abrupt kiss and break apart almost immediately announcing ‘I love you too’. A comfortable almost welcoming silence echoes around the two of you as you sit there with big smiles on your faces wrapped in each other's embrace. You thought nothing could get more perfect that this moment, but oh how you were so wrong.  

It began with harmless doubts that flooded you mind from time to time. Him arriving late to pick you up for a date or forgetting to call you some nights. You merely dismissed them mainly wanting to keep yourself in a false sense of security by not admitting what deep down you knew was true. Or how Inez would bring up the gossip-girl rumours mentioned in the changing room that Aaron had been seen with another girl. But you were foolish, far too young and naive to realise what was truly going on. Except deep down you knew just apart of you was not willing to accept it and it wasn’t until that dreaded day. You knew. You realised.

Leaving gym class mid way through to go and use the bathroom and there they both were. Aaron and Haley. Haley. A godsent from above, the prettiest girl in school. The girl everyone admired and envied. There they both were, arms wrapped around each other, fitting like the last wto pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. You were numb. You had never felt so exposed and so stupid at the same time. Your brain struggling to register what was happening didn’t give you much time to react. Oh but when you did react, you crumbled. Scatters and shards of your heart spilt everywhere and you let out an all too painwrecking sob, that bounced off the empty corridors of the haunting school halls. The broken deafening silence. It was at this moment in time, Aaron looked over and saw you. A face filled with instant regret. You found yourself running away from him as fast as you could, your mind so cloudy that you managed to block out the cries of your name from Aaron behind you. That gut wrenching feeling was a piece of pain that stuck with you forever. ‘How could I have been so foolish?’ you think to yourself as you reminisce on the once picture perfect relationship you and Aaron had.

‘But I knew you, playing hide and seek and giving me your weekends’

That pivotal moment in yours and Aarons once treasured relationship became the epitome of pain in your life for the weeks and months that followed. You had inexplicably came to the conclusion you and Aaron were no more. You had not spoken since that day, but the rumours spread like wildfire as always. You were no longer perceived as ‘Aaron Hotchner's girlfriend’. Lover. Now you were just the girl everyone pitied and empathised with as you search for healing to your pain. However, it was hard to move on when Aaron was doing everything in his power to make it up to you. It was game of cat and mouse. He would show up to your house with flowers and beg for forgiveness, or ‘accidentally’ bump into you at your favourite cafe in town. Aaron spent most of his spare time, searching for you because after all this time he realized that you were all he needed all along.

Although you forever longed for Aaron back into your life, you were still deeply hurt. Almost like forgiveness was gold dust to find within yourself. So here you found yourself alone once again, preparing for the most dreaded night of the year. Prom.

You always longed for the idea of a fairytale fantasy experience but everything had been crushed since Aaron left, with Inez practically begging you to go with her instead. You were terrified. You were overwhelmed with thoughts of ‘what if?’ the build up to the entire day and you would be lying if you didn’t admit you hoped Aaron would show up on your doorstep begging for you to be his date. But he didn’t. Apart of you blame yourself for what happened. Maybe you were too clingy or too distant. These overwhelming anxious feelings clouded your mind more often than ever. However, you began to search for a part within yourself that was going to make it through the night strongly. You just had not found that part of yourself yet.

‘I knew you, your heartbeat on the highline once in twenty lifetimes. And when I felt like i was an old cardigan under someone's bed, you put me on and said I was your favourite’.

Hours had passed by and here you found yourself sitting alone on the outskirts of the heavily decorated gym, consumed with loud bass in your ears and the swirling of whatever drink you found on the table. You felt isolated, you wanted to go home. But still, you knew you couldn't leave Inez and opted for the ‘lonely’ role of the evening. Across, the gym you felt his eyes on you. Those all too familiar coffee warm eyes that once felt like home. You almost felt as if you were on a podium in front of him, his stares right at you showcasing a message of ‘I miss you’ and ‘I'm sorry’ in one of the most discreet ways possible. You knew all you wanted was to have him back in your arms but then you looked over and realised he was still in the arms of another. Haley. You’d never once spoken to her officially, just mere whispers of ‘excuse me’ every now and again. You felt like his toy. Chasing after both of you at the same time, you knew he didn’t know himself what he wanted but all you wanted was to be in the arms of the one you truly loved. Your soulmate.

It wasn’t until the familiar melody of your favourite song became echoed across the gym that Aaron immediately searched for your gaze. You saw as he almost had to restrain himself from walking over and taking your hand in his for the dance but insead watched how he sighed and felt defeated. At this moment you knew memories were flooding back to you both. How you would play the record on repeat in your bedroom while Aaron was amazed at how much admiration he had for you. You were his muse. Or how you spend nights driving around town and dancing in the night making memories you wanted to keep for a lifetime. So when one of Inez’s friends came over and asked you for a dance to the song. You felt a sense of betrayal against Aaron hin yourself. But you were so hurt you gave in, and danced away the pain once more longing for the day that things would feel right again. Complete. However, the corner of your eye was distracted and pulled towards Aarons figure as he watched you dance. Watching the anger and rage build up inside of him as he quickly left the crowd with himself. You sighed and plastered that all too familiar fake smile, wishing the hurt would go away just once more.

‘To kiss in cars and downtown bars was all we needed. You drew stars around my scars but now I’m bleeding’

You stumbled on home dragging the ragged prom dress through the damp, dimly lit streets of your town. A night you hoped would have been magical with the one you left but instead you stood on your porch without Aaron by your side. You looked at the frayed wood on the posts of your porch reminiscing on every moment you had with Aaron. The way he would drive you home after one of your pointless date nights. How he would kiss you with such passion and love, if was almost as if the world stopped whenever the two of you were around. Or how he would make you dance in the middle of the night under the streetlights on the way home. Letting out an exhausted sigh, you traced your fingers against the damp wood longing for him to show up. To just be with Aaron once more.

‘Cause I knew you stepping on the last train, marked me like a bloodstain’

It had been almost a year since you and Aaron split and you were getting ready to graduate. You having the responsibility to host this years graduation party was all you could think about. Until you saw him. Aaron. You hadn’t expected to see him around anymore since he left town for a placement opportunity in New York. You told yourself you’d gotten over him, figured he would have moved on after all this time. But still when his eyes met your gaze sparks flew in the air reconnecting the long lost love for so much time past.

‘I knew you, tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy. I knew you leaving like a father running like water I, When you are young they assume you know nothing

Thinking Aaron wouldn’t approach you after all this time, you moved on past. Acting as if he were never there. Thinking you could forget about the counter, you turned around when you heard calls of your name. ‘Y/N is that you?’ Aaron exclaimed. Hestistanly you respond ‘Aaron? How have you been’ trying to be open when deep down every memory of the two of you together. ‘G-good yeah good’. Feeling the all too familiar anxiety build in the pit of your stomach. ‘Yeah w-well, you know I should get going, I’ve got thing to do and-’. Aaron cut you off with a ‘Yeah, no go ahead, I’ll uhh see you around’. Not wanting to be apart of the awkwardness much longer your flashed a small smile and turned on your heel. All the memories once forgotten of yours and Aarons past, came flooding back into your mind, staining every image of you and him together in your mind.

‘But I knew you’d linger like a tattooed kiss, I knew you’d haunt all of my what ifs, The smell of smoke would hang around this long because I knew everything when I was young’

The whole afternoon that followed after your encounter with Aaron, your mind was clouded. So here you sat on your porch once again waiting for your party to start. ‘I wonder if he will show up’ you question yourself as you looked out the sunset. You had always convinced yourself that you had move on from Aaron, but now once again he was all you could think about.

‘I knew I’d curse you for the longest time, chasing shadows in the grocery line. I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired and you’d be standing in my front porch light. And I knew you’d come back to me, you’d come back.’

The graduation party was going well. Your house crowded with alcohol, dancing and the loud bass of music. As you sat on your porch with your friends celebrating your final year in high school. There he was. A man you once thought would be your forever. A man you thought could never forgive. But in the flesh was the man you’d been longing to come and find you for the longest time. STanding on your porch, his eyes locked yours in instant. It was almost as if those two missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzle found each other and everything felt finally. Complete.

‘Hey’ you announce almost above a whisper. Watching a grin grow on his face as he saw you approach him ‘Hey look I-’. You cut off what you presumed would be his long heartfelt apology with a passionate loving kiss. The same kiss you shared in the exact same spot all those years ago with the same thrill and butterflies that built in your stomach.  

‘And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed. You’d put me on and said I was your favourite.’

‘Hey, the vans almost loaded. Are you ready to go?’ Aaron asked breaking you out of your daydream. You looked over at your husband in the bedroom door frame as you smiled and said ‘Yeah, just packing up these last few things’. He let out a light chuckle as he looked down at the box in your hands, recognising what it was before he could speak anymore. ‘That cardigan huh, you wore that everywhere we went’. Smiling up at him reaching out for his hand to pull you up offering a smile in response to his statement. As you once again packed your beloved cardigan into the box alongside the souvenirs of your teenage years, in the corner of your eye you saw Aaron staring at you. ‘What are you staring at?’ you questioned lightly, smiling in confusion. Stepping close to you he pulled you in for a kiss, which quickly followed with an ‘I love you’. Looking up at your husband, the man who you were completely besotted with ‘I love you too’ you smile. Your loving moment was broken when you heard moans of ‘Daddy, Mommy. Come onnn’. Sharing giggles between yourself, Aaron interlaced your fingers with his and said ‘You ready?’. ‘Yeah’ you responded lightly walking towards your son ready to start a new chapter in your life. Keeping all of yours and Aarons past memories locked away once more.

#aaron hotch series #aaron hotchner #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotch x y/n #criminal minds #criminal minds x y/n #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds family #matthew gray gubler

[bxebxee]

ok and i know yr on break so dont feel pressured to answer or anything!! and im sorry for writing a whole novel in yr inbox, i was trying to figure out how they might build up to actual penetrative sex and i got rlly invested 😳

omg do you know how much i love you!!!!!! I hope EVERYONE clicks on the read more because you are the best anon!!!!! I bolded and underlined my favorite bits and wrote a tiny thing at the end because you’re the BEST. I haven’t felt this rush-inspired in such a long time!!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank youuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!

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becky i was thinking ab yr nj humiliation drafts ([one] [two] [three] [four] [five] [six]) and how they might progress and i started thinking ab rope bondage and how at first she was too nervous to touch him but once she gets more comfortable its all she wants to do!! but hes worried bc of how restrained/repressed shes been in the past and to keep her from jumping the gun he starts tieing her up?? (1/5)

and its small things at first like restraining her hands behind her back so she wont touch him or herself while he makes himself cum (and then maybe if shes good and doesnt complain he’ll let her ride his fingers to get off, hers still tied behind her back. or if hes feeling mean he makes her grind herself against a pillow or the arm of his couch while he watches) (2/5)

and some mornings he’ll have her come over and strip so he can tie her up and then redress over the knots and spend the rest of the day like that under her clothes (esp patterns where the ropes pull straight up between her legs) and when he takes them off at the end of the day and hes rubbing her down where the skin mightve chaffed shes way more affected than she thought she’d be and comes untouched? (3/5)

and then one day when they both have a free day he spiral ties her legs and restrains her arms behind her and then after he makes sure shes comfortable and knows her limits he just- leans back on the bed and starts reading his book like she isnt tied up and at his mercy right next to him? (4/5)

and when he finally puts down his book after what feels like forever instead of doing anything right away he throws back to how this all started and tells her if she wants him to touch her tonight shes going to have to tell him exactly what she wants from him in excruciating detail. and before she can even think about it, this barely coherent, desperate plea for him to just fuck her escapes. and then after shes calmed down and can speak properly he does exactly as she asks. (5/5)

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You’re nearly in tears when Namjoon puts his book down - finally, fucking finally. You hate crying in front of anyone because there’s always so much snot that goes into production. It’s the furthest thing from pretty or ladylike or decent. You don’t want to show Namjoon that side of you just yet.

There is an ache that’s been building at your core for quite some time that’s exacerbated by the numbness you feel at your legs and hands. It’s not the most uncomfortable thing in the world, but people have a tendency to overlook the importance of fidgeting in every day life. You know that you certainly didn’t know how much you missed simple movement until Namjoon tied you up and allowed you to “relax” for a hot second.

At first it felt fine - good even. He asked you a million questions about your comfort, and it just felt like you were laying down. And you might have been able sleep were it not for the itch on your nose that bloomed unexpectedly.

It’s the small things in life that set you off, and fixation over a small itch made you desire free hands like nothing else. The only way you could get over it was to focus on Namjoon reading silently at his desk, feet propped up as he concentrated on the book before him.

He looked so good, so perfect - all long limbs and careless expression of height for no reason. His fingers turned a page and your mouth went dry. You had never been jealous of paper before in your life.

You could have begged him to scratch your nose for you, but it seemed like such a silly reason to interrupt his reading. And it wasn’t until he made eye contact that you were pushed into some weird territory of desire. But Namjoon didn’t stop reading. You knew he was actively absorbing whatever it was he was reading because he had his literature face on - scrunched eyebrows that moved expressively as he took in the text.

Your boyfriend is a pervert, but so are you. By the time your mind has sent you to and from four different fantasy trips, each involving Namjoon’s pretty cock, your lips are dry from sucking in too much air. It’s a sharp contrast to the way your panties feel.

He puts his book down, and your heart races.

“You’re so obvious,” he says, eyes dripping with fondness.

“I’m not hiding anything,” you tell him, sincere and horny. “I want you so bad.”

And Namjoon is overjoyed really, and so, so proud that you’ve come this far. You admit things to him, but more importantly, to yourself without shame. You’re the same woman he met, but he’s pretty sure you’re a bit happier.

Namjoon pushes because that’s what he’s good at.

“I can tell,” he replies, undoing a few buttons of his shirt. He’s about ninety-nine percent sure he’s going to make you cum tonight. “But I’m not going to touch you until you’re more specific.”

You moan, biting your lip as your arousal grinds a heavy ax on your core.

“You need to tell me every, little detail,” Namjoon orders, “or I’m not doing anything.”

It’s excruciating the way you open your lips for nothing to come out. Speak, your mind begs. You’ve just had four delicious fantasies for material, and yet there’s a disconnect between your mind and your mouth. All you can think about is the lump in his pants covering his cock, and the way that cock felt in your dreams.

And you’ve done everything with him except actual, vaginal, penetrative sex. Namjoon makes your jaw hurt and your throat raw whenever you suck at him, and not a day goes by when you don’t think about how sore your vagina would feel with him stretching you out. Just two of his fingers feel like the end of the world for you.

Despite your reservations about penetration, you want to experience it. You want Namjoon to experience it. You’ve watched so much porn together - you seated on his lap with one of his long fingers shoved up your pussy while the two of you viewed some girl getting pounded by a well-endowed man. Every time you pictured Namjoon would one day try fucking you just like that.

A whine escapes your throat as the images are too clear in your mind. Namjoon has you face down on the bed in your fantasy, spreading apart your asscheeks with two hands to scrutinize your holes. He’s picking one to fuck and settles on rubbing his cock against your filthy slit weeping with arousal.

Namjoon in real life is patient as he sees you working up the courage. You waited for him as he read, and he could most certainly wait for you.

“Fuck me,” you whisper, and the expletive sounds like a gunshot even though your tone is softer than feathers. You close your eyes. “F-fuck me… ngh.” And in your head, the fantasy of Namjoon sinking in and using you until he’s satisfied play out again and again until the only things that come out of your mouth are sad little begs.

Namjoon still waits, taking in the show you’re putting on for him because it’s not every day you fantasize about him right in front of his eyes. He likes to watch you think things through.

You take long, shuttering gasps of air to calm the fuck down because you need to talk if any of this had a snowball’s chance in hell of coming true. And after some tens of seconds go by where the only thing you do is think of absolutely nothing, you are finally able to open your eyes and dislodge the stopper between brain and mouth.

“I wish you would untie me first,” you start. It’s not a question or a request. “Then undress me. Undress yourself. Touch me.”

“Slow down,” Namjoon chuckles. “You’re skipping all the good stuff.”

“All I want is for you to spread me open with those big hands of yours and shove your cock in whatever hole you want,” you continue as if he never said anything. You didn’t care about going through what he wanted because this is your fantasy, and he’s just here for the ride.

“Keep going.”

Good, you think. Namjoon is playing along.

“You’re going to choose my pussy.”

“Interesting that I have no say in my own choice.”

“Shut up.”

Namjoon’s heart seems to stutter in its beating, and he can tell you’re also surprised by your own outburst. He’s almost scared that you’re going to backtrack and take it back, because you were doing so good so far.

“Um,” you pause, “yeah… shut up.”

He can’t help but to smile when you forge ahead, and he zips his lips like the obedient boyfriend he wants to be for you.

“You go in slow just to test me. First the tip to see if I can take it at all. And then you push right in even though it feels like I’m going to spit you out.”

This is exhilarating. Your mind provides words for you easily, as if you’re lying down in bed with your phone in hand typing out something naughty for Namjoon. It feels just like that moment of freedom, and you relish it.

“You don’t go slow,” you say with a laugh. “You’re fucking me for you.”

“Stop right there,” Namjoon interrupts. “I’m going to untie you.”

“Thank you.”

It doesn’t take long for Namjoon to remove the ties and toss them off the bed. He massages your arms and legs to help with the circulation and holds you as you shake from the pins and needles shooting its unpleasantness up and down your body.

“Is it going to be tonight?” Namjoon asks. “Because we don’t have to.”

You smile, a little teary because the pain was real after the ties were loosened. “I really want it to be tonight.”

Namjoon kisses your forehead.

“Okay.”

#answered #drafts #best anon

[tumblunni]

Oh god this article is so long and just keeps getting scarier what the fuck They RELEASED THE SECOND ATTEMPTED MURDERER WHO WASNT SCHIZOPHRENIC?? We like.. don’t even have any details on her cos she only got three years and is long gone?? SHE LITERALLY GOT RELEASED ON THE INSANITY DEFENSE DESPITE HAVING NO MENTAL ILLNESS The court painted the schizophrenic girl as the ringleader because of her schizophrenia and gave the neurotypical girl an ‘insane by proxy’ not guilty verdict cos oooo she must have just been manupulated by the scary mentally ill girl who THE COURT DECIDED WAS NOT MENTALLY ILL, WHILE RELEASING SOMEONE ELSE ON THE GROUNDS THAT SHE WAS MANIPULATED BY A MENTALLY ILL GIRL. How does the second verdict not void the first one??? And then she just got.. REPEATEDLY diagnosed with schizophrenia by SO MANY people and just kept getting sent to worse and worse adult prisons and denied parole??? she almost got raped by her roommate and she wasnt even coherant enough to explain what was happening to her parents, like fuck it was SO CLOSE! and the rapist also got off scot free and also got released because this girl who WASNT ABLE TO READ OR WRITE OR RECOGNISE HER PARENTS’S FACES ANYMORE was deemed to be capable of making up a complex story about sexual acts that she wouldnt have been able to understand even if she was a normal kid of that age... oh fucking GOD... and on top of everything else they wouldnt let her have her GLASSES in prison?? this girl who was hallucinating got treatment that limited her vision?? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO.. GOD.. CHRIST... NO WONDER SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF! and oh goddddd it says that she got to see a psychologist once FINALLY after all these years for just ONE WEEKEND before the courts dragged her back out of there and locked her up in the same prison she finally got medication and it says that in her one therapy session they explained to her what she did and she was finally able to understand it and she hated herself and then she was thrown back into her hallucinations with no help ever again fuck fuck fuck FUCK

oh fucking god thank you oh fuck it does end with saying she’s in a hospital now oh fuck oh god i was expecting this to end on just that note and for me to scream eternally at how the artcle has no information on how to donate to this family dear GOD she’s at a hospital oh fucking god but the trauma of all those years has still left her shattered and her progress is slow, apparantly :( god i wish i heard about this earlier and i could have donated to the family oh god imagine if she’d been able to get this treatment earlier oh god oh god and her mother is finally able to see her oh fuck thank god fuck it talks about her mother rushing against the traffic to not even be one minute late, always arriving early and having to sit shakily in the waiting room and then how neither of them even know what to say during these half-hour visits but the kid still freaks out so much seeing the clock tick down and just wants to sit there with her mum and hold hands in silence forever she just wants to get in the car and drive home and sleep in her own bed for the first time in so many years fuckkkkkkkk

“I can’t rescue who I want to rescue,” she acknowledged quietly. “So a kitten will have to do for now.” FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK fuckkkk she saw a starving feral kitten on the drive to visit her daughter and ran around trying to find it again and take it to the vet just so she’d have one happy thing to tell her daughter FUCKKKKING HELLLLL

“ As we spoke that day, Angie spotted the kitten she’d come to save and cornered it. But then an adult cat emerged from the shadows and stepped protectively between them. The relationship between the two felines was clear. So, Angie returned to her car empty-handed. Sick or not, she thought, the kitten belonged with its mother. “ fuck you didnt have to end this article on some cheesy note like that, why the fuck are you doing this to me did that even actually happen or are you just trying to use journalistic metaphors to desperately make people sympathise with this poor child? cos seriously WHAT THE FUCK it is so disgusting that nobody has been giving her the barest shred of human rights, do we really have to resort to fucking kitten stories because nobody actually cares about a severely mentally ill child who has barely seen sunlight for three years due to a FUCKING LAW THAT TREATS TEN YEAR OLDS AS ADULTS

god i think im gonna puke why did i read this why is there no way i can help, oh goddd all the news every day is just more human rights atrocities i cant help with and i’m so scared im gonna either become desensitized or turn it all into wah wah what about me, feel sad for ME, wah wah i fucking feel like killing myself because i watched the news FUCKING. SHUT. UP. HEAD. thats not gonna solve anything thats not gonna make anything better oh goddd im really fucking lightheaded goddd why did i read this but i’d be a monster if i stuck my head in the sand and ignored horrible news cos i care more about myself than other people But GAHHH why cant I HELP?? i cant help either way??? where the fuck is the justice aaaarrgh all i can do is cry about these people so i feel like i have to do it, even if it doesnt help, even if it just makes me want to die god can i like.. rebalance the amount of sympathy in the world. can i somehow make the people who actually can help actually help by weeping all over my keyboard in a terrible fucking january fuck what the fuck goodness do i give back to the world, im just sitting here taking and taking and sponging off mental health government and making the world worse and FUCK how the fuck can i even say that while i’m crying ABOUT mentally ill people deserving treatment?? bunni’s shit brain: no u are the only one who doesnt deserve it in the world, somehow fuck i ‘m gonna go try and calm down fuckkkk so umm yeah warning dont read that article while you’re in a vunerable mental state but its really important to read cos like.. all i can do at least is be aware of the atrocities in the world and keep my eyes open for someday somehow where i can help.. i guess... god i think my life would actually be worth something if i could help someone else god i just want to die fuck fuck fuckkkk...

#blunni thoughts #sorry dont worry im not gonna do anything i'll be okay #i get moments like this often #feeling suicidal is a common thing but if i was feeling suicidal AND worried i couldnt deal with it this time #then i'd ask for help yeah probably probably but i dont want to be any trouble oh god #fuck fuck fuck im gonna go read stupid harry potter reviews on the internet #STOP THINKING OF YOU STOP BEING SELFISH WHAT THE FUCK YOURE JUST TRYING TO AVOID THINKING #ABOUT THE ACTUAL PROBLEM WHY IS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU #fuck fuck fuck fuck #all i've ever fucking done is drawn some really shitty art that fails at even cheering people up #its all i can do and i dont even have skill at it #fuck i cant even take care of my own damn house i need to vaccuum everything fuck fuck fcuk #i need to think about anything else but i need to think about this too cos i need to remember other people have it worse #fuck im sorry im talking too much im sorry

[totalfanfreak]

One of Three - Chapter 16

One of Three

Chapter 16 – If you’re Lost You Can Look and You’ll find Me

[Why did this take me so long? I swear, the further into the movie plot I get the more I struggle but…I wanted to get something out before all the winter festivities came. But thanks again to my betas – bleedingrose0688 and canadianjelly! Thank you for what you do with this project and basically hearing me ramble. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and for reading! Rainey Day Smiles I want to message you but the thing won’t let me but thank you!]

“Besides all the swelling, there’s nothing serious for you to worry about. You won’t be feeling too great alongside the minor bumps and bruises you received to your body, when the anesthetic wears off, your face is going to give you a moderate amount of pain. I can write out a prescription –“

“No, thank you.”

The three of them had been stuck at the hospital for hours, waiting, all Sera wanted to do was go somewhere and rest. Somewhere safe, and that in itself was going to be a task now, and narcotics tossed in wasn’t going to help.

She poked the brace on her nose, her whole face felt like it had been scraped through glass, but her nose got the worst of it. “If I’m clear I’d rather just go back to the lobby so I can make sure my guys are okay.”

The way the old doctor’s lip straightened in a hard line had her raising her chin.

“Yes, well, if I’m to recommend anything at all, young lady, it’d be for you to get away from whichever one did that to you.”

Her mouth gaped. “Doctor, you’re out –“

“I see it all the time, almost 24/7 here, and you may have thrown in a few good punches but they –“

“You’re wrong; whatever scenario you have thought up of us you’re wrong. It’s my fault they got hurt –“she gestured to her face – “but this, this had nothing to do with them.”

They stared hard at one another, the old man finally relenting with a sigh. “Just be careful, I really do see enough domestic violence in here that I don’t need you to add on to it.”

She pursed her lips. “Note taken, may I leave now?”

The doctor gave a curt nod, and she slipped out of the room before he could comment any further. She couldn’t say it was a five-star hospital, but it did have a lot of business. And as Murphy had said while they were driving away, they wouldn’t ask questions.

Just make bad assumptions, and stick their nose where it doesn’t belong.

She had wanted to stay and wait for Connor to be looked over, being taken back first with the most injury. But Murphy had pressed her to go on, that he’d make sure they both were taken care of. She was glad for it at this moment, wanting away from all the sick and hurt – nothing but misery in these halls.

Sera found both her boys in the main lobby; Connor laid back in a chair, exhausted, his wrists now bound in gauze. The leg that faced her quivered, she was surprised he hadn’t popped both his knees out of their sockets jumping from a damn roof. Murphy told her how he watched Connor jump while she had sobbed her apology, helping Murphy throw in the bag full of guns and wallets then Connor into her car. He had remained unconscious for the majority of the ride, barely coherent going in, but somehow here he was hurt – probably more so than he let on but alert and awake. Arms crossed with a small smile while he watched his brother sitting with a young boy on top of a gurney playing cards, while the boy gave pats to Shep between turns. She took note that both boys had bandages across their foreheads.

Her hand went for Connor’s shoulder, taking the seat beside him. “How are you doing, Conn?”

The smile stretched. “Doin’ fine, got da papers ta prove it.”

She nodded, her eyes drifting to the bloody robe. “Didn’t they think to give either of you some scrubs or something?”

He shrugged, not bothered by the stains. But she was – his blood, Murphy’s blood, the Russians’ blood. There was too much red mingling there. “I’m going to the nurses’ station.”

Connor tugged her back, and she was able to feel Murphy’s eyes on her.

“Don’t be doin’ that, aingeal.”

Her mouth had dried up, leaving it sticky and parched. “Do what?”

“Runnin’. We sure the hell ain’t.”

It was seeing them – like nothing was wrong. Yes, she would’ve been devastated if they were in a hospital bed, but this…the nonchalance of it as if it were no big deal that they had almost been killed. It made it that much more troubling.

“I’m not running. I just thought you two would want some clean clothes.”

“Rather have a smoke ta be honest.”

She snorted at Murphy. “We need to find somewhere safe for you guys to go.”

“Us.”

She fell back into the seat, hands going to her hair. “I want it to be that way, and we’ll keep it that way if that’s the way you want it. But this, the shit that just happened I can’t live in the daydream that the two of you will magically be okay through this. You nearly took a bullet to the head, Murphy,” she turned to Connor, “And you, you had to go and jump off a fucking roof.”

Connor sunk in his seat, his nose turned up: the scolded child. “Was protectin’ my brother.”

“I know. And you shouldn’t have had to. That’s the damn point I’m trying to make here.”

Murphy patted the boy’s shoulder before jumping off the gurney. “Too late fer that, told ye, yur stuck with us. Not leavin’ no matter what happens or shit ye say.”

She laid her head on the back of the chair. “I’m not saying anyone should leave. But you two need somewhere to recuperate for a while. And I need to figure what to do. We need somewhere safe to go.”

She was trying to be calm, to put her head on straight to know what to do and say. But she was floating, floundering if she were honest, because she had no idea what the hell to do. The only thing that was clear thudded in her ears like a heartbeat. They almost died. They could’ve died. They would’ve died. They’re going to die. All she could see was Connor on the asphalt, the gun pointed at Murphy while he scrambled with the toilet lid.

Holding back the tears, the pressure of them hurting her nose as she sniffled; sighing heavily, she felt an arm sling around her. Opening her eyes she turned to the owner.

“So what do we do, Murph?”

He gave a heartening smile, mole and cheek dimpling. She could feel the bandages that covered his fingers smoothing on her shoulder. It gave her the image of Murphy heaving the porcelain up, the rough cement inside digging into flesh each hit cutting him deeper. She gave the top of his hand a squeeze, head going to its place on his chest as he opened his mouth. Only to have Connor cut him off.

“Fuck ‘im, he don’t know what ta do.”

Eyes were narrowed with his brother’s brush off. “Fuck me? Fuck you and yer movie bullshit! Didn’t have no stunt double fer ye, did we? Better be rememberin’ who carried yer dumbass to da car. Ye ain’t like the girl; ye weigh as much as a walrus.”

“Oh, fuck ye, Murph!”

“Fuck ye, too!”

She shook her head, standing. “You both should be ashamed, cursing like that in front of a young child like that. I’ll be back.”

Connor reached for her. “Told ye, lass –“

“I’m not running, Connor. Not anymore. Even if you’re both okay with it, I…it’ll ease my mind if we get you into something else. I don’t like seeing –“she gestured at the scarlet stains. “That on you two.”

The boys nodded, solemn, making her reprimand herself for bringing them down. “How about you two come up with something, I may need to get Shep looked at. Stupid fuck kicked him.”

The boys grinned at her language. “Who should be ashamed, love?”

She snorted at them, walking away to the nurses’ station. Every light on the phone they had behind the desk flashing, each one jotting down something on a clipboard. Catching one she asked to be pointed in the direction where to get some scrubs, giving her name and how many so she wouldn’t bother them. She grabbed one of the shirt covers for herself, her top splattered from her nose as well as wiping Connor’s blood from her hands on it. She decided to toss her shirt in the trash when she changed out of it. She didn’t have a need to feel the sticky relic against her skin.

It was thin material, and she wished the boys had something to go over it. They were probably going to have to wear the robes out. She zipped up her own jacket, surprised when she turned the corner and saw Doc there. The elder man was hunched down patting Shep’s side. She smiled at him and the boy on that remained on the gurney before passing out the clothes.

Murphy grinned to her, gesturing to Doc. “’pparently da old man was holdin’ out on us.”

Connor chuckled. “Aye, came in and told him about da poor dog’s situation and says he used to be a vet back in Ireland.”

Her brows rose. “Really, Doc?”

He nodded, the movement more pronounced with the twitching in his face. “S’true sweetheart, came from a long line of farmers and the like; s-seemed ta fit that I take care of da animals t-t-there with them.”

“Then why did you decide to become a bartender here?”

Doc shrugged, Murphy lending a hand to help him stand. “T’was easier. Ye move to another country, they want ye ta s-s-spend extra money on their schoolin’. Didn’t have da money fer all of dat s-sh-s…Fuck! Decided ta just…t-ta…Ass! Easier ta play da part and open a bar. Used m-me savings and opened McGinty’s.”

She crossed her arms, nodding, her expression staid. That wasn’t fair, especially seeing how easy it was to see Doc fixing animals on a farm. Shep jumped on her side, scoping her to make sure she was alright. She smiled and scratched behind his ear. She heard Doc laugh.

“He’s fine, might be a tad sore, but nothin’ broken or need of care. May want ta give ‘im some c-c-c…baby as-as-Ass! Aspirin! Will help the pain just as well.”

She smiled at him. “Thank you so much, Doc. Who knows what Shep and me would have to do if you hadn’t shown up.”

Which begged the question…she turned to the boys. Murphy shrugged. “Ye wanted us ta come up with somethin’. We’ve been trying ta make one beforehand so we called Doc when you were gettin’ patched up.”

Her eyes went to Connor who was propped on the wall. “What are you thinking Doc can do?”

Murphy thrust the shopping bag up. “If it’s okay with him, hide this shit fer one. We’ll come after it when we’re done.”

Doc took the bag without question, making her eyes dart between the three. “When we’re done with what?”

“T-that’s what I was tellin’ these two, a man came to da bar today, gave me his card and wants ta speak ta all of ye.”

Connor held out the card letting her look it over. “So you want us to go to the police?”

“Was self-defense wasn’t it, aingeal?”

It wasn’t an actual question but she shrugged in answer. “From my experience the police aren’t much help in any of these matters. But if you guys think it’ll help…”

Doc took her shoulder, a fatherly gesture. “Dis man appeared ta know what he was doin’. Told dem here, he knew it was ye three defendin’ yerselves. He’s with da FBI might be worth takin’ a peek into, won’t hurtcha none besides.”

She patted his hand. “No, I suppose it wouldn’t. Thank you, Doc, for everything.”

“It’s no problem, lass. Can’t be losin’ me best customers now, c-c-c…Fuck! Ass! Can I?”

She smiled. “I’m sure you have better ones than them.”

“Hey!”

“Da fuck?”

She laughed at their expressions. Turning back to see Doc’s which had turned gentle.

“May be true, but at least it had a far better view since they started bringin’ ye in.”

She shook her head. “Oh, you Irishmen always turning on that charm. But get a few drinks in and all of you would confuse Roc with me.”

Connor balked. “One time, love, one time, and I was hammered beyond a fuckin’ nail.”

She grinned, turning to Doc and hugging him. “Be careful, those were the ones that came to the bar. But there could be more.” There’s always more. “I think I speak for all of us that we couldn’t stand it if something happened to you.”

“Don’t be worryin’ after me, lass. Might look decrepit, but I can pull a trigger as fast as anyone.”

“Good.”

“Ye t-t-three just better be headin’ ta da…ta da…Fuck…Ass! Ye three be on yer way.”

They had clamored out to the car, Connor fussing and Murphy laughing that the former got sent out in a wheelchair. Her car was another thing to add to the list, though sturdy, the station wagon wasn’t exactly inconspicuous for around here. She needed a smaller car, especially if any of the Russians had pinpointed it. But that was something for later.

Connor wanted to sit in the front with his brother, but she wasn’t having it. If she could when they got through at the station she wanted them both to get cleaned up and rest for a few days. She felt awful for both of them…But Connor right now, she was able to see his wounds the gash in his hairline, the bandages on his wrists, she wanted to help deal with him. Murphy…poor Murphy, his wounds would be internal, sure he had scrapes and his hands, but she knew he was processing that he had to take a man’s life today. Yes, it was in self-defense, he was protecting himself as well as his brother, but she knew it would haunt him somehow.

“Ye gonna sing me a song, aingeal?”

The only way Connor would lay in the back was if she was back here too. With his head in her lap she stroked his face. “I don’t think either of you would care for damaged ears.”

“Come on, love, fill the silence fer us.”

She could hear muffling and knew Murphy was speaking around his thumb. He was nervous, maybe scared, and it hurt. Situating Connor, she took off the seat belt to maneuver herself so she could fit an arm around the headrest letting her fingers run through Murphy’s scalp while simultaneously keeping a hand on Connor’s.

“סלאַמער אויף מיין טייַער אָנעס; שלאָפן אין שלום די גאנצע נאַכט דורך. טאַקעד אַוועק זיכער אין דיין בעדז. בשעת מלאכים וואַך אָוווערכעד, נאָענט ענג די אויגן פון בלוי. אַי עס ליו לי לו.” [Slumber on my precious ones; sleep in peace the whole night through. Tucked away safe in your beds. While angels watch overhead, close tight those eyes of blue. Ai li lu li lu.]

She smiled at the serene expression on Connor’s face, Murphy’s shoulders slumping in the seat like he had been soothed.

“See, knew it’d be a lovely thing ta hear.”

She moved her hand, cupping Murphy’s scratchy cheek in her palm, hearing Connor hum in agreement. “I think those doctors gave you both too many painkillers.”

“Ye know we wouldn’t lie to you. No point in dat. Sound better than our Ma, doesn’t she, Murph?”

“Aye.”

She bent down to kiss Connor’s forehead, the three remaining silent after that, giving him time to fall asleep. She knew they were almost there, but she needed that time with Murphy, to let him know that his trauma hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“Murph, you want to talk to me?”

“About what, love?”

His voice was too chipper, close to being forced. She tried to scoot closer, to hold him tighter. “I’m so sorry what you both had to go through. Seeing Connor the way he was, the way he is, I was terrified for him. I thought I lost him. But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared for you too. What you had to do…I know about that hurt. I just don’t want you to pull away, don’t feel it alone, okay?”

She could see his hands trembling on the steering wheel. “I’d never in a million years admit it ta anyone else. But I was fuckin’ scared.”

“It’s okay to be.”

“It wasn’t even about dyin’. I was afraid of not being there ta help Conn, to help you.”

“Oh, Murph.”

“Then ta see Conn’s stupid ass flyin’ down, I knew he was a fuckin’ goner. But he was breathin’ and so was that other fucker. I’d do it again, Seraphine, over and over if I had ta. The only regret is that ye had to fight that bastard by yerself. God forgive me fer it, but I’d be fine with killin’ all of ‘em.”

She wanted to tell him she had Shep, to tell him not to say things like that, to not want that. But he was in autopilot, survival mode, and she wouldn’t be able to tear those thoughts from him for a while. She could only be there to comfort him. So she clung to him from behind, feeling a hand come over her arm to squeeze back. They remained that way until they pulled up to the station’s steps.

“Yer gonna hafta help me ye dumbass!”

“Fuck ye, should leave yer ass here!”

There was no way Connor could walk up those stairs on his own, but his bedside manner was grating on his brother, especially with him throwing orders around. She rubbed Murphy’s back, trying to calm the tension out of the muscles.

“Afraid they’ll want to interview him too, Murph. Or I might be with you on that.”

“I can’t help that I can’t walk!”

“Well, I could go on about refraining from jumping from buildings. But, yeah, I know, Connor, we’ll help you. But you’re going to have to be less grouchy with your brother.”

“Grouchy? Ye talkin’ like I’m two.”

She shrugged. “Well –“

His reply was a glare. They were able to make it, Sera sweating rivers from trying to take the brunt of the weight. Even with Connor’s help he was so heavy, muscles, tendons, and bone taking him down.

“I swear to God, we’re finding you a bed after this Connor MacManus.”

There were two – “Lord’s name –“in reply.

“Don’t be swearin’ to da Lord for Connor’s stupid ass.”

“Aye, wouldn’t take much ta get me inta bed withcha again besides.”

She wanted to elbow that snarky grin from his face but entering the building she could hear men arguing back and forth.

“They’re scared like two little bunny rabbits. Anyone in a uniform or flashing blue lights is going to spook them. So the only thing to do is put a potato on a string and drag it through South Boston. Thanks for coming out.”

Her blood heated. “Oh, fuck your racist bullshit, asshole!”

The boys sniggered, Murphy piping in. “You’d have better luck with a beer.”

Connor grinned grasping their shoulders tighter. “Aye, they would.”

Many of the officers came to shake hands with the guys, letting her ease herself into the backdrop. She didn’t want to be here, what were they going to do anyways? Protect them? They had their chance with that, and failed. Maybe she was a scared rabbit now. The police were nothing more than an obstacle when it came to safety. And with the man she assumed was the head honcho approaching them after scrutinizing her from across the room, she felt tenser than ever.

“If we’re done with the tea party folks, I’d like to get them into interrogation.”

The men relented patting the boys on the back one last time before they were escorted to a private room.

“Can I get you three anything before we start? Coffee? Water? There’s a few boxes of doughnuts left from this morning if you’d like.”

The boys ambled at the chairs; three that were backed to the wall, Murphy pulled the one in the middle out for her. She was reluctant to take it, wanting to remain standing but she couldn’t say no to the humble gesture. They gave them own inspection of the man while they pulled out their own.

“Aye, coffee and doughnuts sound mighty good.”

“A cigarette too, if there’s one ta offer.”

She took note of the mindful way they were speaking. They remained kind, jovial, but were just as wary as her. The man came back in when they had taken their seats beside her, holding out a box and drink tray. There was no sugar, and she didn’t feel like asking, but the hot liquid was welcome since she had something to do with her hands. The same was solved when the man held out a silver case containing cigarettes; she shook her head when it came to her. They thanked him while lighting up, tossing the box between them, again she declined but was giving a powdered cake regardless.

“Gotta eat, love.”

Her stomach knotted at the thought, but picked at it for them.

“Now that we’re all situated, how about we introduce ourselves? If you haven’t guessed, I’m Paul Smecker. I left my card with your friend at the bar.”

Connor nodded. “Aye, ‘m Connor, this is me brother Murphy, and this is our girl Seraphine.”

She watched Smecker jot their names on his notepad, pausing to look back up at them. “Last names.”

“MacManus.”

“All three of you?”

He was staring at her, and she kept her gaze steady. “Shafir.”

He gave a small chuckle. “Doesn’t sound very Irish, sweetheart.”

She held back a glare. “It’s possible there’s some floating in my DNA somewhere. I’m mainly Polish, you know, lightbulbs, and how many people.”

“Just with your little outburst –“

“I’m not fond of stereotypical biases, Mr. Smecker. And, for the record, I’ve studied the Irish culture enough to say that making fun of a time, like the potato famine, when a million people died is kind of trashy, wouldn’t you say? But I don’t think you want me to turn this into a history lesson.”

The calculation that Smecker’s eyes held diminished, staying professional but more genial. “I enjoy history very much, but I’m more interested in the kind that’s relatively recent. If it’s alright, I’d like to begin. This conversation will be recorded; all I want is for you to answer to the best of your knowledge.”

Murphy held his hand out to pause him. “Excuse me, sir. Just give us a second before that.”

He peered at his brother first. “Quid enim ad eum de guns et pecunia?” [What do we tell him about the guns and money?]

She couldn’t tell what he said, but she knew it was a question. Connor, unfazed, shrugs him off. “Et nos iustus got reliquit. bum musta et surrexit ante vigilum advolvit ibi.” [We just got up and left. Bum musta rolled them before the police got there.]

Murphy gaze went to her then, switching to his native tongue. “Cad mar gheall ort, aingeal? Cé mhéad atá ag iarraidh a fhios aige?” [What about you, angel? How much are you wanting him to know?]

Her head lowered, flicking her eyes between them. “Ag brath. Cad a cheapann tú? Ar cheart dom a bheith i muinín air?” [Depends. What do you think? Should I trust him?]

Connor chimed in then. “Is fearr a thabhairt dó na freagraí a bhfuil sé ag iarraidh a dhéanamh dó, ansin téann muid as ann leis.” [Best to give him the answers he's wanting, then we go from there with it.]

They all nodded, Murphy turning back to Smecker. “Okay. We’re ready.”

“None of you are under oath here. But I’m going to assume you knew these guys.”

Connor nodded, putting another chunk of doughnut in his mouth. “Yeah, they introduced themselves the other night.”

“They had some…interesting bandages on, any of you know something about that?”

The boys turned to one another before giving their rendition of that night, nixing out the part about the picture and the exchange from it. Her brain went elsewhere, hearing and visualizing what happened to them, her throat burning with despair at hearing the fear hiding in Connor’s voice. So scared at how close he had been at losing his brother. The same fear pivoting to Murphy when his brother crash landed, it went to the point where she could relive it until Smecker tried to draw her attention back.

“What about you?”

She gave a pointed look. “What about me?”

“There were three men, from hearing this they took on two. That leaves one, and from the nail marks and bite wounds I can take a guess that the loner came at you. Correct?”

“Yes, and yes I was there. But I panicked when those fuckers started getting riled up. I have epilepsy, which is why I have my dog with me at all times, but the panic triggered enough anxiety that I had a small seizure causing me to collapse. I wasn’t too involved with that part of the mess.”

Wow, what a liar you are.

“But the after - ?”

She exhaled. “I was woken early by my dog needing to go out. I was walking him when I was ambushed. I wasn’t even able to croak half a scream before he threw me into an alley. But with the time and the place it wouldn’t have mattered if I hollered myself hoarse. No one was out there, and even if so, no one would’ve helped.”

Smecker’s mouth gaped in disbelief. “Why do you believe that? People seeing someone in distress have more compassion than you may realize.”

“I’m not saying they don’t care at all, sir. But in that neighborhood it’s better to mind your own business or yours and your family’s safety could be compromised. I don’t blame anyone for that, I’m just stating fact.”

Smecker waved for her to continue, but she shrugged. “Haven’t you guessed the rest? I fought back, there was a point where I could’ve gotten away but he attacked Shep for defending me –“

“Shep is?”

She pointed to the sheltie that lied under the table. “From someone else’s perspective it wasn’t a smart move, but he wasn’t going to kill my dog. I pounced on his back to get him to stop when he flipped me to the ground. I kicked him between the legs to give me some time, but he yanked me back causing,” she motioned to her face, “this to happen. I-I don’t know what he was about to do the way he had me in place, but my dog had come back, and, again, he protected me. This time I was able to get my switchblade out and defend myself when he came at me.”

Smecker leaned forward. “You stabbed him twice.”

“Yes.”

“From the coroner’s report the wound to his neck was fatal enough, so why stab him again?”

Her teeth clenched, the questions causing the acid in her stomach to bubble. “Because he was still standing, are you saying it was wrong to defend myself?”

He shook his head. “Not at all, Ms. Shafir, I know that the three of you had to use force to stay alive. But I was trained to see things not everyone can, and from that wound I could see a lot of anger put in there.”

“He attacked me, he attacked my dog, and I knew he had people attacking my boyfriends, am I not justified in that emotion?”

He nodded a small smile tugging. “You are. I just believe it’s more personal than you want me to believe.”

She smirked back. “I’m sure you hate to hear this but you’re wrong.”

He laughed then. “That could be a possibility, but I hardly ever am, Ms. Shafir.”

She nodded slowly. It wasn’t conceit, it was truthful. She could tell there were more questions he wanted to ask, an expectant gleam in his eyes, he might’ve gotten around to asking them if one of the policemen hadn’t charged in.

“Sorry to disturb you, sir, but we got a problem.”

Smecker flicked his cigarette, sighing in exasperation. “What is it?”

The officer pointed behind him. “The press is everywhere out there. They’re going nuts for these guys. What do we do?”

Smecker’s eyes went to her before sliding over to both of the boys. “None of you are being charged. You want to talk to them?”

Her answer was immediate. “No.”

Connor soon joined her. “Absolutely not.”

“No pictures either.”

Bless you, Murphy. They didn’t need that on them either.

“We could walk you three out with bags over your head.”

She made eye contact with Connor before he shook his head. “Our mother can see through bags.”

Murphy licked his lips and nodded, the apprehension in his face told her the realization of their mother had just come to him. “Aye, she can…There any way we can stay here?”

Sera coughed on an escaped laugh as the officer’s eyes brightened, excitement taking over his features. “Sure, there’s an empty holding cell here. You can…can they stay?”

He asked that like a child asking a parent to let their friend spend the night and she shook her head in amusement. The boys seemed to think it was funny as well, huddling closer to her to hold in their snickers.

“We’ll have to check with your mom, but it’s all right with me if your friends sleep over.”

That got them then, the two busting out in a cackle. The officer flushed in embarrassment, leaving the room while Smecker stood.

“If there’s anything else you’d like to add, I’ll be here for a while; plenty of paperwork to keep me for the week while we wrap this up.”

His gaze wasn’t pointed at any of them, but she knew it was directed at her. When no one answered he grabbed his coat. “Well, time to feed the dogs.”

Murphy had went to make a phone call to Roc asking him to bring them all some clothes, while she and Connor were guided to the cell. She didn’t know what the codes were, but the cell couldn’t have been up to them. Two flimsy cots with barely a tissue cloth mattress stood side by side, a constant draft and wetness as moisture gathered on the wall, there was even a crack going up it splintering wider as it went.

She grimaced. “We could find somehow to get out of here. Wait for everyone to disperse, a back entrance…something.”

Connor cleared his throat. “We weren’t expectin’ ye ta stay, aingeal.”

She turned to him, perplexed. “What do you mean? I already said I’m not running, Connor. I know I’ve been flighty, but it’s just that I want you two safe.”

He put his hand over hers, smiling. “We know that, we want ye safe too. Which is why we’re gettin’ you out and havin’ ye stay with Rocco for da night.”

“What? No. I’m not leaving you two here in this dingy cage –“

Connor started to talk over her. “You’ll be safe with him, and we’ll have time to come up with a solution –“

“We need to focus on it together, not just –“

“This way you’ll have a breather, and not be –“

“One at a time works better!”

They both turned to Murphy, Sera’s eyes narrowing in on him. “You’ve decided this along with him, right? You both stay here, and leave me on my own?”

Murphy chewed the inside of his cheek. “Ye won’t be on yer own, Roc will keep a lookout for ye. I mean…ye know it’s not because we don’t want ye here.” He scouted the room. “I mean we don’t want ye in this kind of place, but we’re doing this fer you. Seeing how they were out there, the press outside…if ye stayed –“

“What’re you talking about, Murph?”

“Besides Smecker, everyone else out there believes we’re the only ones involved with this. Or the most think you were there but weren’t the main one to stick up ta anything. Three men down while two standin’ they’re not puttin’ much thought to ye right now, and we want ta keep it that way.”

Her mouth gaped. She hadn’t thought that much into it, but the way the men at the precinct behaved, they had believed it was the boys to take the Russians down. That all these steps they were thinking of her. “I’m sorry, I should’ve known you had your reasons. But I still would feel bad leaving you both here… in this.”

Murphy stepped beside her, squeezing her shoulder. “Eh, our first place was way worse than this. Plus we’ll have the guys waiting on us while we’re here, be like room service. Don’t worry about us, love, it’s just til mornin’ and we’ll meet up have us some breakfast and make a plan.”

She coughed a laugh, going in to hug him. “You know it’s kind of sad this is the first time we’ve really been apart since I moved in with you two.”

Connor snorted. “And why’s that supposed ta be sad? Were ye raring ta get away from us?”

“You know that’s not it, I just never pictured myself as the clingy girlfriend.”

“Ain’t clingy, we’d tell ye if ye were. We like ta keep ye close with us.”

Connor kissed her forehead. “While we’re waiting fer Rocco, how bout we get a card game goin’? Get us a few cigarettes stocked for da night.”

They had won several hands and a few packs of cigarettes before Rocco arrived. Cheers erupting from the boys when they were given a much warmer bundle of clothing, grins unfolding when Roc revealed their rosaries from around his neck.

His eyes wandered to her, and he nearly jumped back. “Damn, honey, what the hell happened to you?”

Murphy scoffed. “What ye think happened?”

He shimmied up to her, hands in his pockets. “I kept yours in my car, I promised the guys not to look at any of your delicates so I just shoved a bunch of shit in a bag.”

She laughed. “That’s fine, Roc.”

She turned to the boys, already tossing off the thin tops for their faded t-shirts. “I guess we’ll see you in the morning.”

It came out as more of a question and they smiled at her. “Aye, ye will.”

“Yeah, Roc will take care of ye, and if he doesn’t we’ll kick his ass.”

Rocco took one of the loose cigarettes they had one from the table. “Yeah, yeah, if I had all the hot air you two have I’d be able to make it to China and back.”

Connor’s face grew stern. “Just keep her safe fer da night Roc, and don’t be tryin’ anything.”

“Aye, twist yer balls off if we hear ye did.”

Rocco flung his hands up. “I ain’t gonna try anything! Jesus!”

“Lord’s name.”

The three turned to her and she couldn’t hide the smirk that came. The boys laughed with her. And with one final kiss to each of them and another threat on Rocco’s balls she followed him out of the precinct. She wasn’t going to say anything but the neighborhood was as rough as Connor and Murphy’s only now it was Italian instead of Irish. She was afraid this may put her in a disadvantage since she didn’t know the language. Unlike the loft, this was an actual apartment complex, many people shimmying by them to get to or from their homes.

“Gotta say, it’s not the greatest place…or the cleanest it’s probably a step up than how those botchagaloops of yours lived before meeting you though. Just don’t be thinkin’ me or Donna keep it like –“

“It’s fine, Roc, I really appreciate you letting me stay the night.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’d do anything to help you guys out.”

Giving him a one-armed hug, she uttered her thanks while being ushered into the apartment. She didn’t know what he was worried about. It wasn’t dirty, only lived in. Several empty bottles on the dining table, couch cushions sunk in, a few dishes in the sink, and a –

“Is that a cat?”

On cue the cat meowed, causing her to glance at Shep, his ears folding back.

“Yeah, it’s kind of Donna’s, your dog won’t like…kill it, will he?”

“No, my sister had a cat, Shep’s more traumatized of them than anything else so he’ll avoid it.”

Rocco chuckled. “You don’t sound too fond of them either.”

She smiled in reply. “I guess not, I’ve always been parcel of dogs. I’m a loyalist at heart.”

He set her bag by the couch, motioning for her to follow through the dining room to the kitchen.

“We don’t have much, but you’re welcome to it.”

“Thanks, Roc, not too hungry right now though. Might need to go and pick something up for Shep, unless you packed his food in there.”

He looked over his shoulder from the cupboards, sheepish with tinged cheeks. “Uh, no, didn’t think of that. But listen, I didn’t tell the guys this cause I know they’d freak, I got something to take care of for my boss. Shouldn’t take an hour or two, I can get something for you both then.”

“That’s kind of you, but I could probably pop out and get us –“

“No!”

She jumped at the raised volume, the cat scurrying away under the table.

He ran his hand through his hair. “Sorry, I got an earful of what would happen if I let you out anywhere.”

“Oh, did you?”

“Uh, yeah?”

She felt a little bad, the way he sounded it was like he expected her to beat him with a rolled up newspaper.

She gave a half smile. “Any other rules I should know about?”

He smiled back. “Nah, most were aimed at me anyways…so will you be alright here? Donna shouldn’t be back tonight, hell she’s been out for a few days so who knows what she’s up in. But you can have the bed, take a shower or something, and lie down - put some ice on that honker of yours til I get back. I-I can leave ya a gun or something if it’d make you feel safer.”

He had said it all in an offhand way, and though he wanted to keep it in there Sera caught the concern he had about his girlfriend. “You don’t have to do that Rocco. I’m more worried about inconveniencing you than anything else –“

“You’re not, hell like I said it’s just been me and the cat. Maybe he can crawl up your ass while you’re here instead of following me around.”

“Yeah, well, I said my sister had a cat. Not me. I like all animals, but I’m not too in like with the feline kind. Does it have a name?”

Rocco snorted. “Thought all girls liked cats…but no, Donna’s usually too fucked up to call it anything and I just call it cat.”

“No, we don’t all automatically like cats, they scratch, hiss, and stare at you like they’ll murder you…like now look at IT!”

She huddled back behind Roc, the cat’s green eyes narrowed into slits, ears turned back in aggression. Shep’s front paws kept tapping as he got nervous.

Rocco laughed. “I’ll throw him out if you want but he ain’t gonna do shit to you. Probably hungry, I got him some stuff, so I’ll feed him before I take off. You want anything particular to eat?”

“Not really. Though Shep prefers beef to any other dog food. But if you’re willing you can pick a few more ingredients I can fix us breakfast in the morning, and whatever you want for supper as a thank you.”

“You don’t gotta be doin’ all that.”

“But I want to Roc.”

“I won’t argue with you then. Can tell by how fat those two fucks are gettin’ that’d I’d be stupid to pass it up. If you’re settled in I’ll take off. Like I said it’ll just be a few hours.”

“That’s fine. I’ll be here.”

He went in like he was going to hug her, then thought better of it and pulled back. Making her laugh and pull him back in.

“You’re a good friend Rocco.”

He blushed twisting his keys before heading to the door, waving on his way out. Alone she went and sat on the couch, Shep folded himself against it, remaining wary of the cat as he laid his head on her thigh. She wasn’t sure she liked this. She had gotten used to people again, the boys always making noise, talking, hitting, laughing. Now there was silence. Trying not to be intrusive Sera looked around the apartment. It was snug, cozy, in its own way, there was a tv in the bedroom, but she had decided she would take the couch. Besides not wanting to burden him, she didn’t really want to sleep where Rocco was getting laid in. He was right when there wasn’t anything in the cabinets a few odd cans of beets and green beans but nothing substantial. She never understood this, if men loved to eat so much how come they never had groceries stocked? It was bizarre to her.

She almost shrieked when the cat bumped her leg, rubbing its face on her ankle. Rocco had been in a hurry and forgot about the hungry creature, so she went about fiddling in the bottom shelfs until she found the bag Rocco was talking about and scooped it some food. Its basic desire sated she walked out of the kitchen with an eye on the cat. Sure, it was an irrational thing, but try being a kid giving a cat a bath. She stayed away from them after that. Finding a record playing to flipped through the options before settling on an old Frank Sinatra, hearing the scratching as the needle started to circle she continued to wander when Blue Eyes started the vocals.

‘It's very clear   Our love is here to stay   Not for a year     But ever and a day.’

Patting her hand on her hip to the rhythm she watched the sun begin to disappear, clouds beginning to move in. It was going to rain, hard if the dark grey was any indication. She was nervous, a bumbling pile of nerves that needed to be worked out. Thinking of her mother and the way she passed the time, she found a bucket and threw in some soap and scalding water and set to work around the house. She wondered if the poor woman felt this way all the time, her mom had always been constantly moving, never satisfied doing nothing. Work was her meditation, and the house and her family were her yoga. Sera was surprised the woman hadn’t had a stroke. Adding a finishing touch she threw a crocheted afghan over the couch, the cat making her stumble backwards as it jumped on it. It kneaded the arm of the seat, starring at her with hooded eyes almost begging to be touched.

Len’s cat did the same, and though, with her sister’s forgetfulness, Sera would be the one to feed it, the thing would always lash at her – grabbing her hand in its paw with nails sunk in to bring it to its mouth, giving a small lick before chomping. Her sister had named it Hippo, it was gray with blue eyes and a very pink nose, it had been sweet as a kitten but as it grew bigger and wider it became more vicious to the hand that fed it. It was like each pound it gathered more meanness entered him. This cat was half Hippo’s size, she knew if needed Shep would be no help, the dog remembering enough about the claws to stay out of it. But against better judgement she stuck her hand out for it to sniff, rubbing its cheek along her hand when it got her scent. It stretched out, yawning, nails embedded in the fabric while it walked along having her hand touched its back and along its tail before coming back to repeat.

“You’re not so bad, are you?”

It blinked, continuing to purr. Thinking to quit while she was ahead she pulled away, sighing, it was reaching the hour mark. Perhaps she’d take Roc on his offer – when cleaning the bathroom she wanted to moan at the sight of the bathtub. After getting used to taking showers, nothing sounded better than a good soak.

“Are you going to stay with the cat, Shep?”

The answer was a hard no when he scampered off the floor, paws sliding back off the hardwood to go after her. Turning the water on to let it heat, Sera gathered some towels, and found some bubble bath in the cabinet. Putting in the stopper, she swooshed her hand in the water to get the bubbles going, the smell of something akin to lavender and jasmine hitting her she stripped down, Shep taking ownership of the discarded clothing as he made his bed from them.

Pinning her hair up, she got in, soaking up to her shoulders in the hot water. Sera moaned low, the heat working its way into her bones, the stiffness fading. She laid her head back on the rim, watching the water rippling each time she moved. The tenseness was still there, she felt awful that the boys were staying in a cell tonight; she felt terrible what they had to do to even end up there in the first place. She slid further in the water, the smell of flowers taking her elsewhere. There were too many things to dwell on, and she needed to push forward. They would have to be better armed, better prepared for when this happened again. Bringing her hands up to her face she was surprised by how wrinkled her fingers had become, sudsing her hands she washed herself being wary of her nose before rinsing and climbing out of the tub. It did make her feel better, sloughing off the day, her muscles less achy and bundled, her bones more lax.

She was becoming concerned about Rocco, the storm had blew in now, the pitter patter hard against the windows making it hard to see anything outside. Who was she to call for him? He left no number, Sera was sure he had a pager but she had no idea the number for that either. Plus he was a grown man, the timeframe given wasn’t set in stone, she didn’t have any reason to worry for him. Going through the fridge she found a lone egg and a piece of bologna that was getting rubbery around the edges. She fried it, making sure to clean the skillet, before splitting the egg with Shep. She divvied out the meat between him and the cat who looked pleased to be included in the meal. She decided on some hot water to drink down with her food to keep the warmth inside her, before settling down on the couch. Throwing the afghan over her legs, Shep bounded up to curl between her legs, nestling between the cushions she gasped when the cat jumped to lay on the back. Tentatively she reached out to stroke its cheek. Shep whined, his jealousy coming out she smiled and let her other hand scratch his neck.

“What do you think, Shep? Should we give him a name?”

Shep exhaled deeply, muzzle on her knee not giving a care either way.

“I don’t know much about you, but you’re kind enough – how about Gus? It seems to fit enough, like an old man that only looks grumpy but has a good heart.”

The cat only purred in answer, eyes closed and ready to sleep.

Her hands fell away, going back under the covers to be warm in a familiar cocoon.

“Fine, Gus it is then.”

Remember now, weak can mean many things – it can be someone who lacks physical strength, a low standard, not convincing, um…

A coward.

Yes! A coward.

But I wasn’t a coward was I?

“I wasn’t weak, was I, Sera?”

Her heart pounded, not just by the voice but by the question, and she struggled to keep her eyes closed. The voice continued to go on, as if not wanting an answer.

“Even when we were little it was like I had to try harder than you both to prove it. Like when you and Sapphire wanted to camp out in the tree fort Popop built for us. I didn’t want to, was terrified of what would happen to us in the dark, but I went with you. I kept telling myself that you’d both protect me, you and him always protected me. Looking back, it was rather silly to be afraid, but it’s in our nature to fear the unknown. But we made it, didn’t we? Only…” The voice was trying to stifle a giggle. “Only it ended with me losing step on the ladder and fumbling down on top of you. I broke my arm and you broke your ankle. Oh, you were so upset with me, Sera…”

The voice stopped, as if pondering. Sera wanted to open her eyes, but this…illusion, hallucination, whatever it was; she didn’t want it to stop.

“I couldn’t be like either of you, and when mom…after her, I didn’t want to be like them, do you see? You said it once yourself, we couldn’t turn into them. They liked the blood they had on their hands, but I didn’t want to dirty them at all. I couldn’t understand what made them so evil, they were like us once – they were children, they had a family, went to school, rode bikes, and had romances. What changed them? And did it change us? I think it changed you, Sera. Especially when I…we don’t have to go into that. But did it make me weak? To not want to kill them? To rather run, and stay away than face them? He’s made me see now that it won’t stop, not until he’s gone and been judged and put away from here. He’s telling your new, uh, friends about that. But He’s letting me talk to you. You used to call me crazy when I said He talked to me…not crazy, you and Sapphire both wouldn’t say anything but I knew you never believed me about it. When you said I was weak, that I was giving up…after everything that I told you. Don’t be afraid; don’t be afraid to let yourself feel something, to be happy just because we’re not there with you. Because we are, in a way, I think it’s because we were made that way, while being molded inside of mom, but I can feel you. Lately your joy, that giddy feeling of falling in love, I’m so happy about that, Sera, happy for you. It’s made me smile for days. But I feel your fear and your sadness too. That pulsing rage that hasn’t died since the bridge, yes, I saw it. I saw you there. I don’t mean to sound petty, but – weren’t you weak then? Didn’t you give up? Oh, heavens I do sound wretched…I just – it hurt so much when you said that, and I wanted to prove you wrong, the both of you wrong so that’s why I did it. Why I didn’t say anything. I wanted to be the one to save you for once. But He was right, yet I did do it. And what I did, knowing what would happen, I’m here to say it wasn’t a weakness, it was agape if it were anything, Seraphine.”

“You were never weak, Len.”

Her voice was strangled, and she noticed the talking had ceased, opening her eyes slightly, she saw her sister’s silhouette. “Hi.”

She saw that small smile only Selene could give. “Hi.”

She felt hot tears streaking her cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

Selene shook her head. “Why? Weren’t you listening? It was my decision – I would do it over and over if I had to. I-I just wish you and Sapphire were still together.”

“Me too. I suppose he believes he’s protecting me. The same as I did to you. I pushed you away when you needed me. When you confided those dreams to me, hurt you thinking it would erase the possibility of it happening and, at the same time, make you stronger. But it doesn’t, does it? I know it shattered me when he left. I’m sorry if I made you feel like that, I’ve never stopped being sorry for it. Sorry for not seeing the sudden change in you, especially up to the moment on those steps, that look in your eyes…why couldn’t I see something was wrong? I wanted so bad for it to be over that I stopped seeing the signs of danger. I wish I would’ve done more…I regret so much, and I can’t do anything about it. I’m just sorry, I’m sorry Selene, it should’ve been me –“

She felt the cold ghost of her hand brush through her hair, knuckles pressed to her cheek. “I told you, it wasn’t for you. You’re meant for more here, Sapphire is meant for more here…me, I was meant for greater things elsewhere. And I like it there, I miss you, both of you, but you’re still with me as I am with you. Just know that I am happy, Sera, we all are, and let yourself be happy knowing that. It’s time you let the magic come back. You said you wanted to find it again; it doesn’t have to be snake oil anymore. God sent you in the arms of good men to prove that to you. Just let your mind have it, it’s not just stories, but a reality, a way of life that can bring us joy and safety. You’ll be safe again one day, and you’ll see.”

“I-I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t be the last one, Len. It’s selfish, but I can’t be alone. I’d rather rot in the ground than be stuck here by myself.”

Selene’s bottom lip pursed, smile intact. “But you wouldn’t be alone you –“

“I already have to this without you, but I can’t…not with Sapph gone too.”

Selene let out a knowing giggle, the sound making Sera’s spine tingle in the familiarity. “Oh, Sera, you know, I always thought it was our brother that was bad at making quick assumptions –“ Sera’s head tilted to look at her sister stooping down. Those gold flecks in such similar evergreen eyes glinting at her. She wanted to reach out, touch her, hug her, not let her get away, but she was too frozen, in shock and fear that the apparition would disappear. “I did say you’d be the last of us remaining, but I never did say when. You only assumed it meant now, during this, but who’s to say it’s not 30, 40, or 100 years down the road? You need to quit being so dismal in your thinking. The Lord knows what and how much we can handle. Let him guide you in that. Put the fear of loss aside, Sera, let it make you strong again.”

She felt Selene’s lips on her temple, warmth rushing to her entirety. “You were always the strong one, please know that, Len.”

“As long as you know that there is good and good people out there, know that you are one of them.”

Sera nodded, opening her eyes to a dark room.

“Len?”

Shep sat back to let her up, it was real, that had been real. She felt her sister here.

And you thought I was crazy.

She had, all those premonitions of Len’s were merely her imagination, but now…She went over to turn the lamp on, finding no trace of the interaction that had occurred.

“Oh, Shep.”

It hurt - the loss again, but it was also a good ache. It was hope.

Searching the bedroom she saw Rocco had not returned and though she was concerned she was also fueled. Peeking out the large windows she saw the storm had moved on. Another sign.

“Let’s go for a walk, Shep.”

Up for it, he barked, frantically speeding in circles for her to hurry and attach the leash. She still had the pocketknife Murphy had given her, under forensics the blood probably remained, but she had washed it with bleach after washing Roc’s dishes the steel now as shiny as the day it was purchased. Putting it in her pocket she wrapped her coat around her, flipping the hood in case it was drizzling. It was an aimless walk, letting Shep lead her until she felt she was at their destination. She kept her focus, around her, the slickness of the ground, a few cars honking at one another at the intersection, a group laughing outside one of the restaurants. After crossing the street several, zig-zagging across the city, she felt her legs tiring; Shep had begun to pant heavier as well.

“We need to rest, boy.”

He tugged her forward, her eye catching on a steeple, stained glass windows greeting her. It had to be past midnight, but it appeared the place was open.

Gripping her jacket tighter, she relented. “May as well.”

It was open, a few wary souls like her wandering here to pray. She let her legs buckle as she took a seat in one of the empty pews. The smell of wood and incense wafted up to her, relaxing her, and she let herself doze in peace. Her mind going over her own revelation, her sister – she admitted to herself that she felt so light, a heavy burden diminished. It wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t God’s fault. And though it would be easy to keep the blame on those that waved their guns, she held back, seeing them as Len had – as people. Bad people, but still human. Finally, she felt cleansed, she felt real again. Maybe the magic was coming back to her.

“I know you.”

She startled, jerking up to see a man staring at her. Well, not just a man, but a priest, and she had seen them before.

“Yes, you came to speak at my boyfriends’ church.”

The man smiled. “That’s right, Macklepenny, I think I can say that I’ve never seen many people bring in their dog with them to the services.”

“Uh, he’s a service dog, no pun intended there, sir. But I take him with me everywhere, if you need to see my card –“

The priest held up his hands. “Oh, no, no, I wasn’t trying to make any accusation. I’ve never seen it though, but I love dogs, he’s a beauty too.”

Shep stood prouder, as if he understood, making Sera smile and stroke him. “He is, and loyal.”

Macklepenny nodded briskly. “I hope I may be forward in saying I haven’t seen many men stand at the services either, from what you said you are taken with one of them then?”

She blushed, the technicality in her grammar must have made it singular, but she wasn’t going to correct it. “Yessir, I hope you don’t take offense of it, they’re both very devout to their faith and to the church. I was a bit stunned by it as well at first but no one there seems to mind.”

“No! I’m sorry, I keep putting this in a bad light…I was honestly quite surprised by it but when it was explained to me I understood. No just the three – or the four of you isn’t something that I see often. It’s a breath of fresh air to me.”

She laughed. “I’m glad then.”

“So how about you?”

“Um, how about me what?”

“You said the gentlemen were devout, but you never mentioned yourself.”

She petted Shep to calm her. “I’m getting better at it, I had a bit of an epiphany tonight which I guess was the guidance to bring me here. But I – I hope you don’t…well…I’m Jewish, but I attend with the guys because they’re Catholic. I’m becoming engulfed in both religions it seems.”

He seemed off put but quickly regained composure. “There’s nothing wrong with that, we’re all God’s children.”

Emboldened she pressed. “What does confession do?”

His brows rose. “Pardon?”

“Confession, I’ve been lightened in my mind, but I would like to absolve myself out loud.”

“Confession is to allow the Lord as well as the person to forgive their sins, simultaneously releasing themselves from the binds of it. As a daughter of Judaism you know you do not have to confess your sins of a daily basis –“

She tried to make light of it, and failed. “I know, sir, but Yom Kippur is a ways a way…I’ve sinned much worse than coveting or eating grapes from the market without paying.”

Macklepenny took the adjoining pew, facing her. “And what sins are you wishing to confess then, my child?”

Sera sat a little straighter. “Before we begin, Father, these things are…um, confidential, right?”

The poor man became more fidgety. “Of course, the Seal of Confession stays within the confines of this church as it is with you and I.”

She nodded, taking a breath. “Good, I just needed to be sure.”

With that she began to relay her story to him, every feeling, every action, and consequence that followed her to this point. Soon his eyes went to the floor nodding when the occasion called for it, his brow furrowed while he hummed in acknowledgement and when she was done his gaze slowly lifted back to hers.

“You have been through quite an ordeal.”

“Many of my loved ones have…I’m concerned that it will continue to be that way for them.”

“We must let God guide the way in these times, it may not be easy, or have the result we search for but it is His will. He knows what is best for us.”

“But how do we know which is His will?”

Macklepenny smiled. “You must give yourself time to obtain the answer; you’ll know when it comes.”

Sera huffed. “No offense, Father, but I’ve been out of touch with this for a while. And what I’ve told you, what choice am I supposed to make when another gun is shoved in my face or someone is attacking my loved ones?”

He cleared his throat in discomfort. “No matter how much time passes, once you’ve accepted the Lord, He stays within you for eternity. He’s guided you, Lucifer may have you thinking otherwise, but you’ve made your decisions based on the need of others not yourself those actions say who’s been aiding you in your answers. The things you’ve had to do, no one can imagine, each person is different in their trauma. But it isn’t bloodlust, you may have exacted revenge in an attempt to gain justice of your sister…but it was your grief that did that. It was an action of love in the end, and you telling me the guilt you feel for so much of it now speaks volumes. A sensible person would tell you to go to the police, but from what you told me…I can’t tell you what to do. All I can say is to stay on this path, allow the sheet of guilt and grief fall and embrace the possibilities you can have. Let that be what drives you.”

“Thank you, Father.”

She stood, Shep leaping up to go.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you all that you’re looking for.”

“No, Father, you’ve helped me more than ever…I know God isn’t a magic 8 ball. He can’t give a straightforward answer, but thank you, just for listening. That’s helped me more than anything to have an impartial to hear me.”

“It’s no problem. And please, child, just remember – the Lord doesn’t decide what he does to help his children, but to save them.”

Her face remained blank, but she nodded. Bundling herself back in for the brisk cold the night would have. Rocco had to be back by now, but she didn’t really want to head back there. It wasn’t home, it was flat – in addition, it was empty, and after the tumbling of events tonight she didn’t want to be alone. So instead she decided she would go back to the police station, the press had to be gone, and she could just sleep out in the lobby. But she needed to be close.

“I am the clingy girlfriend, aren’t I, Shep?”

Cold air billowed out of his snout, his head to the ground finding any scent of new friends. After several blocks her posture began to bristle, goosebumps rising to the surface. She was being followed she was sure. Again? This soon? She tried to act casual, adjusting her speed up slightly and inclining it after each block. She put her hand in her pocket, gliding her fingers to the button on her knife. IF the opportunity came she’d scramble, but she wouldn’t hesitate to defend herself. She saw the figure of a man, his outline covered by a huge hooded coat, the black fading with the night. She couldn’t kid herself she needed a taxi, the station was over ten miles and there was no way she’d be able to jog that far. But the block she was on was quiet besides a few stragglers being ushered out of a bar nearby. Stopping at the four-way she glanced in all directions to plot where to go, feeling a hand on her shoulder she lashed out getting the person’s hand who leapt back with a yelp. She turned to continue her attack when she was overpowered, the assailant going for her wrist, pinning her at the sidewalk post.

“You’ve lost your touch. Gotten soft, I like it.”

Her mouth gaped open, her body shaking and heart stammering at the voice.

“Sapph?”

#the boondock saints #the boondock saints fic #connor macmanus #murphy macmanus #connor and murphy macmanus #oc #chapter 16