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emjenenla · 7 years

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If You’re Gone, Maybe It’s Time to Come Home Part Two [a SoC Fanfic]

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

(15)

Even though that raid was a disaster, Kaz is able to overcome it in the next few weeks. He and the spiders do not discuss it, and if Espen treats everyone with a bit more vitriol than usual, no one mentions it.

Kaz is still tired, though. He’s having an increasingly hard time focusing on his responsibilities. He knows that he is general of the Dregs and his work is important, but it’s starting to seem so pointless. What does it matter if someone makes that con artist pay up or tells that gang to back off? In the long run Ketterdam will go on just as it always has. Kaz is just too tired to deal with any of it. It’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning.

Things come to a head the day that he falls asleep at the desk in his—formerly Per Haskell’s—office. He’s been feeling hopeless with the situation with the Black Tips and worrying about Inej. She’s been gone a long time, and while he knows from her letters that she’s alright she hasn’t said anything about when she’ll next be back. After so long, he can’t quite choke the fear that she isn’t going to come back. That she’s finally realized that she doesn’t need him in her life.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep and is woken by a hand on his shoulder, shaking him. Panic surges, and lashes out at the person who dares to touch him.

Anika leaps back, her hands raised, fear on her face. “Sorry, Boss,” she says. “I just…That mercher is here to see you. The one we’re working for that grain scam.”

“Oh,” Kaz says, his panic fading. He kicks himself for the faint, half-aware tone of his voice. He glances at the clock on the wall next to the door and wonders how long he’s been asleep. He rubs a gloved hand over his face, trying to pull himself into some semblance of wakefulness. “Give me five minutes, then send him in.”

“Okay, Boss,” Anika says, but she doesn’t leave.

“What?” he asks, giving her a look.

“Nothing…” she says, then rubs the back of her neck. “It’s just that…I’ve never seen you sleep before.”

Kaz growls and ignores the unspoken question. Anika does not have the right to wonder if he’s alright. No one has that right, he is Dirtyhands. He doesn’t need people’s sympathy. “Go do your job, Anika.”

(16)

When Inej next comes back it’s all he can do to keep from dropping everything and running to the docks to meet her. He wants to see her so badly; he’s so sure that everything will be alright now that she’s back.

Still, he forces himself to tie everything up neatly and walks to the docks. Inej is helping unload the boat. Her hair is tied back in a long braid and she looks well. He stands on the edge of the berth, watching. He can barely wrap his mind around how lucky he is that this perfect being came back here to him.

But what if she wasn’t here for him? The uncertainty takes him off-guard. Kaz has never worried about whether or not someone wants to see him. In fact, he normally operates under the assumption that everyone he knows and interacts with would be happier if he just vanished from the universe. Inej is the only person he’s always thought genuinely liked him being around.

Now he thinks of that letter in his drawer and wonders if he completely misjudged her. What if she is just like everyone else? What if she just puts up with him because it’s easier than telling him how she really feels? What if she sees him waiting for her and wishes she’d stayed at sea so she wouldn’t have to deal with him?

He feels shaky, and he’s having a hard time breathing. That doesn’t make any sense because he’s wearing his gloves. He stretches his fingers so he can feel the leather pulling. That normally helps, but right now it doesn’t. He promised Inej that he’d remove his armor for her and he’s failing. He used to be able to take his gloves off and do his office work, maybe deal a card game if he took a couple shots of whiskey to fortify himself first. Now the thought of taking the gloves off to wash his face has started giving him cold sweats. He’s not getting better, he’s getting worse by the day. How is he supposed to convince Inej to keep coming back if he has nothing to offer her?

He’s so wrapped up in this anxiety, that he doesn’t approach Inej. He stands in the shadows at the end of the berth and watches while the crew filters away to enjoy being on land. At last, Inej locks up and wanders down the berth. Kaz wonders were she’s planning to go. The Slat maybe? To see him?

Presumptuous. He scolds himself. Why would she want to go see him right after landing? There are a million other people in this city who are far, far better company than he’ll ever be.

Inej almost walks right by the place where he’s standing before she stops and turns to him. Her eyes narrowing in an expression that he knows is probably confusion but a loud part of his mind suggests is really disgust or disappointment. “Kaz?” she asks. “How long have you been standing there?”

Kaz shrugs in an attempt to seem casual. His heart is pounding so loudly he can hear it, and his palms are slick with sweat inside his gloves. “Not long,” he says in what he hopes is a level voice.

“You could have come down to the ship,” Inej says. “You didn’t have to stand here in the dark. Is everything okay?”

He’s surprised by how much he wants to say that everything’s not okay, but if he did Inej would ask him to explain what’s wrong and he’s not sure he can. Besides even if he could find the words he’s deathly afraid that outright telling Inej that he thinks she doesn’t really care about him would just drive her away even faster. “Everything’s fine,” he says instead and feels like he’s trying to swallow sawdust.

“Okay,” Inej says. Then her eyes drop significantly to his gloved hands. What he wants is obvious.

His lungs tighten until he can barely breathe. He knows that he needs to take the gloves off to show Inej that he cares about her and that he’s trying for her, but he’s nearly positive that if he tries to take the gloves off now, he’ll simply collapse and lose his grip on himself completely. The gloves help, he knows they do and he needs them. They’re the only thing that helps him keep a grip on his own humanity.

He looks away and pretends he didn’t see Inej’s look.

(17)

He and Inej spend a couple days going about things like old times. They creep on rich merchers and eat fried potatoes while walking through the streets. Kaz feels better, not quite right, per se, but he can push aside the little voice that says Inej doesn’t really want anything to do with him and enjoy just being near her.

He should have known it was too good to last.

Inej has been back for about two days when things fall apart. They’re sitting on the roof outside of one of Kaz’s safehouses, going through the details of the information they’ve just learned about a group of slavers. Suddenly, Inej grows quiet. Kaz is just about to ask her what’s wrong when she reaches out and lays a hand on top of one of his gloved ones. He can’t help it, he tenses.

“You know, I haven’t seen you take these off once since I’ve been back,” she says slowly, carefully.

Kaz inwardly curses himself. A year ago, she probably wouldn’t have said anything, but this new Inej is braver. She’s no longer afraid to speak; the Ice Court only made her stronger while he’s pretty sure it did the exact opposite for him.

He doesn’t know what to say, so he just shrugs.

Inej heaves a sigh. “Listen, Kaz,” she says. “We had a deal. ‘I will have you without your armor, or I will not have you at all,’ remember? You need to put in the effort, Kaz. I can’t do everything in this relationship; you have to meet me halfway.”

He should say something, but he doesn’t.

“Kaz,” Inej says sounding a little bit sharper than before. “If things are too close to the surface right now and you need time, that’s okay. But you need to tell me. You can’t just keep expecting me to let you get away with things. You need to communicate with me Kaz.”

He looks at her out of the corner of his eyes. He imagines telling her what has been going on. He imagines saying, “Inej, I think something’s wrong with me; I don’t feel like myself anymore.” He can feel the shape of the words on his tongue and opens his mouth in the hope that they’ll just come out, but they don’t. The silence drags on and on.

“Kaz,” Inej says sharply. “I’m not going to put up with this anymore. You can’t just treat me like your timid little Wraith. I’m not that girl anymore. You can’t expect me to just put up with you without you doing anything in return. This isn’t a business partnership, this is a relationship, and if you want this to go anywhere you need to step up and do your part.”

Each of her words feels like a knife buried deep in his stomach. She’s going to leave. He was right, he really is a horrible, wrong person who no one can stand to be around. Inej really does deserve better than him. He can’t even take off a pair of gloves for her.

All he has to do is take the gloves off. If he took the gloves off he could possibly appease her and she could be convinced to stay, but he can’t. His chest is a vice and he can feel the water around his legs. He needs to take the gloves off, but he can’t. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t, and he’ll never be able to. He has failed.

He says nothing and does nothing. He simply keeps staring out at the roofs of Ketterdam. Inej makes a soft, disgusted sound and gets up. She takes a couple steps away then stops and he hears her turn back to him. “When you finally learn to swallow your pride, Kaz, we’ll talk,” she says and starts to walk away again.

He wants to call her back, to say something—anything—to make her stay, but the words catch in her throat. She’s right about every. He is not worthy of anything even remotely concerned with her. So, he says nothing and she leaves him sitting on the rooftop all alone.

They don’t speak again before she leaves Ketterdam.

(18)

A year ago, the argument (if it can even be called that since he didn’t say a word) wouldn’t have caused Kaz any substantial pause. A year ago, Kaz was secure in the knowledge that Inej would come back eventually because she had nowhere else to go. Now he no longer has that luxury. Inej has the whole world laid out before with nothing to tie her to Ketterdam but a bunch of bad memories and a boy who can’t be the person she deserves.

So, Kaz knows that his relationship with Inej is over. She will not return to Ketterdam again. He will never see her again. He has ruined the one relationship he still had left.

He tries to take this reality in stride and go on with his life, but he can’t. He feels empty and so completely alone, even more so than he did after Jordie. When Jordie died, Kaz had his thirst for revenge to keep him company. Now he is on the top with his revenge and nothing but the seemingly bottomless hole of sadness opening up inside him.

He realizes that most people will see this as exactly what he deserves. He spent almost half his life chasing money and revenge and now that he has them he discovers how empty and broken his life really is. In fact, even he’ll admit that’s probably exactly what he deserves.

That doesn’t make getting on with things any easier. It’s become near impossible to get out of bed in the morning. Waking up at ten bells is now early for him and it takes him even longer to work up the energy to drag himself out of bed. Once he’s actually up, he has a hard time focusing. All he wants to do is go back to bed and sleep for the rest of his life.

(19)

Time passes in an incomprehensible blur. Inej still sends him information about her movements so he figures their business arrangement isn’t over yet and keeps sending her information on slavers.

One afternoon, he’s attempting to focus on the Crow Club’s profits when Anika comes in with an envelope. He doesn’t look up, he just keeps on scribbling another calculation on a spare bit of paper (he used to be able to do all these calculations in his head but he’s just too tired to try these days). He expects Anika to just set the envelope on his desk and leave, but she doesn’t. She sets it right on top of his hand then steps back and crosses her arms.

Kaz looks from the envelope to her and raises his eyebrows.

“I’m going to watch you read it,” she says.

“You know I am capable of reading my own correspondence without someone looking over my shoulder,” he snaps.

“Sure,” Anika shoots back. “Just not in any semblance of timeliness.”

They both look to the stack of unopened mail on the edge of Kaz’s desk. He used to open every piece of mail he got, even the useless stuff. Now he the mere thought of opening the important stuff exhausts him.

He also doesn’t have anywhere near enough energy to continue arguing with Anika, so he just opens the envelope and pulls out a small invitation. It’s from Wylan. Inej is returning to Ketterdam soon, and Wylan and Jesper are planning a party to celebrate all the success she’s had so far.

“You’ll go, won’t you?” Anika asks, sounding more like an anxious schoolgirl than a lieutenant of the most powerful gang in Ketterdam.

“Why does it matter if I go or not?” he asks, turning the invitation over and over in his gloved fingers. He knows that he won’t go. He doesn’t want to force people to interact with him because they’re scared of what he’ll do (that’s what drives everyone’s interactions with him, he can see that now), and he doesn’t think he could handle seeing Inej.

There’s a long pause, then Anika says, “What’s wrong, Brekker?” she sounds a little fed-up but mostly surprisingly worried.

Kaz finds it in himself to raise an eyebrow at her. “What do you mean?”

“You haven’t been acting right for months,” she says, “and it’s getting worse. We’re worried about you.”

Her words form a block of ice in Kaz’s stomach. “Define ‘we,’” he says slowly.

“Everyone,” Anika says. “Me, Keeg, Pim, Roeder, Dirix, Rotty, Mina. Even Teapot’s worried, and that’s saying something.”

Kaz’s fists clench. He thought he’d been doing a decent enough job at pretending to be okay. If he’s failing that means that those close to him know how shamefully weak he’s become. That means that someone in the Dregs is probably plotting his downfall right now. He’s going to lose the Dregs if he doesn’t get his act together fast.

“Thank you for your concern,” he tells Anika flatly. “But that’s really not any of your business.”

(20)

A couple days before Jesper and Wylan’s party he’s going with the spiders to do some reconnaissance for a big job they’re planning. Kaz finishes the last of his meetings with time to spare and makes his way up to his rooms to eat supper in peace.

It’s only seven bells in the evening, but he’s already flagging. He’s tired, sad and inexplicably hopeless about the job as a whole. On top of it all, he has absolutely no appetite and hasn’t in weeks. He stirs his stew listlessly while trying to talk himself into actually eating. He hasn’t had anything today but coffee. He’s going to need his strength for tonight, but he’s just doesn’t want to eat…

He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he knows he must have because the next thing he knows he’s blinking awake to a significantly darker room and Espen in his face.

“You’re just taking a nap?” Espen snarls leaning in close. “What is wrong with you? Roeder, Mina and I have been waiting for over an hour!”

Kaz blinks at him. He feels groggy and can’t quite get his thoughts to line up. He wants to go back to sleep.

“Are you listening to me?” Espen literally lunges forward and shoves Kaz out of his chair and onto the floor. “This is ridiculous! You’re supposed to be leading this gang not taking a nap whenever you feel like it!”

Espen’s bare hands are twisted into Kaz’s shirt and pressing against his neck sickeningly. Kaz has been caught half asleep and in a poor state of mind. In another time, he might have just been able to throw Espen off and go on with things, but tonight he can’t. His chest seizes up and the water surges around him. He struggles fruitlessly against Espen.

“Get a’ me!” he shrieks. His voice sounds strange. It takes him a moment to realize that not only does he sound as hysterical as he feels, his accent has changed. He’s spent years training himself to speak like a Ketterdam native, and now his natural Southern Kerch farmer’s accent sounds wrong.

The change is accent must surprise Espen too because the boy jerks back. Kaz shoves him off and scoots away until his back hits the wall near the fireplace. He knows it looks pathetic, but he’s shaking so hard he knows Espen can see. The room feels to small and bright, and it swirls around him. His stomach churns, and his heart pounds like it’s trying to escape his chest. He can’t breathe, he can barely think.

Espen steps closer. “Boss?” he sounds scared, like he can’t figure out why Kaz is so disgustingly weak. “What’s wrong? Do you need a medik?”

Kaz swallows back nausea and manages to get in a decent breath that enables him to speak. “Get away from me,” he says.

Espen jerks back in surprise. “What?”

“Get out of here,” Kaz tries for his Dirtyhands snarl, but he still can’t breathe and his voice comes out audibly shaky. A small part of him is thankful that at least his Ketterdam accent is back. “Go downstairs and tell Anika and Pim that you’ve been demoted. Have them put you cleaning chamber pots in one of the smaller gambling halls, or they can just kick you out, I don’t care which. Just never, ever come near me again. If you do, I swear I’ll find some very painful and humiliating way to kill you.”

He’s vaguely aware that he probably shouldn’t be saying stuff like that to Espen. Kaz and Espen are just a little too much alike and there’s a part of Kaz that is terrified of the kid finding reason to focus his anger on Kaz. Kaz does not want to become Espen’s Pekka Rollins. Still his panic is all-consuming. He just wants Espen gone. He doesn’t care what he has to deal with later as long as the kid is gone now.

Espen backs away. He looks terrified, like he’s not sure what to do next. “Ummm...I…”

“Get out,” Kaz orders around a breath that sounds just a little too much like a sob.

Espen turns and flees.

(21)

The instant the door swings closed behind Espen, Kaz drags himself to his feet and stumbles across the room. He’s still having trouble breathing and he’s shaking so badly that he can barely stand. He nearly falls against the door and fumbles at the dozen or so locks he’s put on his door for security. The locks don’t make his room unbreachable, but it definitely makes it difficult. When all the locks are in place he does the same for the windows, pulling dark curtains over them. He even locks the window he habitually leaves unlocked for Inej, after all, it’s not like she’ll be coming back to visit anytime soon.

When his rooms are locked up as tightly as he can make it. He staggers over to his safe and opens it with shaking fingers. Inside amongst the ledgers and kruge and jewelry and other valuables is a bottle of extremely expensive whiskey that was lifted from a mercher a couple months before the Ice Court job. It’s opened because he and Inej each had a glass the night they took it, but they saved the rest because it’s not the kind of thing you drink wastefully.

Right now, Kaz doesn’t care how expensive it is. He grabs the bottle and slams the safe door behind him as he heads towards his bedroom. He pulls the horrible letter he wrote to Inej months ago out of his drawer and sinks onto his bed. He uncorks the bottle and pours a generous portion down his throat while he begins to read.

(22)

He reads the letter over and over and over as the bottle gets emptier and emptier. He doesn’t feel any less empty, though. He sits on the bed with his knees drawn up. He rests his forehead against the letter and the bottle and just sits.

He can’t deal with an angry eleven-year-old. Can’t eat his supper and go do his job the way he’s supposed to. He can’t even take off a pair of gloves without freaking out. He is pathetic, no wonder Inej left him. He deserves it.

There’s a knock on the locked door. “Boss?” Anika. “What’s going on? Espen told Pim and I that you said—Well, I just want to hear it from you first. Is Espen overreacting?”

Kaz chokes back a snort. He wonders how he managed to convince Anika he couldn’t possibly have given that order. He wonders if Espen had mentioned that the Dregs’ fearsome general had been having a panic attack when he gave that order. Normally, Kaz would never use those words to describe what had happened, but he’s feeling pathetic enough right now to stop lying to himself.

Anika knocks on the door again. “Brekker? Boss! Are you in there?”

Kaz says nothing. Even if he wanted Anika to know he’s holed up in his rooms like a coward, he doesn’t think he’s sober enough to speak without slurring.

“Kaz, you better actually be in there,” Anika says. “I’d feel really stupid if I was just standing out here talking to an empty room.”

He doesn’t say anything. Eventually Anika leaves and something snaps inside him.

He looks down at the letter then hurls it across the room. It falls on the floor in a flutter of pages. He’s on his feet almost before they settle. He crosses to his dresser and sweeps the clutter on top it onto the floor with an arm. He does the same with the small table that his washbasin sits on. He throws the pitcher at a wall where is shatters and rains to the floor in a shower of glass and water.

He knows he’s being ridiculous. He’s always hated people who get drunk and do stuff like this, but he doesn’t know how to stop. He knows that busting up his room isn’t getting him anywhere, and it’s not making him feel better, but he needs to do something.

He stumbles to his bed and collapses onto it. The mostly empty bottle of whiskey rolls out of his fingers and onto the floor. He buries his face in his pillow, wraps his arms around it, and tries to hang on.

(23)

He’s thinking about the farm. He hasn’t done that in years. Even when he bought the place as Johannus Rietveld he barely let himself think about it. The farm is like a distant dream so faded by time it’s not worth giving mental energy to.

But he’s thinking about it tonight. He thinks about the rolling hills and the dark earth of the fields. The apple trees where he learned to climb and the barn where he’d race Jordie up and down from the loft.

Slowly, floating on a haze of drunken sadness, Kaz allows his mind wander away from the farm itself and onto the people who lived there. He thinks about Jordie all the time, but he hasn’t thought about Buck—the huge black-and-tan dog they’d had—in years, not since he learned that the dog died around the same time Jordie. Now, he thinks about how Buck was fierce to strangers, but would lay by the fire and let Kaz lean against him when it was just the family.

He hasn’t thought about his mother in even longer than Buck. She died when he was about five so he probably shouldn’t actually remember her, but Kaz has always had an impeccable memory. He remembers clinging her long skirts, and her humming while she worked. The memory of her feels like a punch to the gut.

Then there’s his father. Thinking of him brings back recollections of a big, tired man with rough, gentle hands. He was the same kind of fool that Jordie had been, in crushing debt because he had horrible luck and was too trusting. Still, that hadn’t stopped him from trying to give his sons the best of everything and promising that everything would work out right until the moment that he’d been run over by his own plow.

Thinking that brings back the memory of that horrible day. Kaz remembers standing ankle-deep in the tilled soil of the field staring at the carnage and screaming like the soft farm kid he’d been. That’s all he remembers of his father’s death: blood, gore and his own voice screaming and screaming and screaming.

He wraps his arms tighter around the pillow and clenches his teeth. Stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it.

It’s too late. His head is full of memories of people he’s been trying to forget about for years. Memories swirl around them, that old grief mixing with his new grief about Inej. He’s sad. So very, very sad.

He misses them.

He misses everyone. Inej and Jordie and Buck and his mother and father. He misses the farm. He misses Kaz Rietveld: the stupid, naïve kid who believed that people were good and that he was good and that things would someday work out.

He wishes he could go back to that, but he knows he couldn’t. He’s done too much. Even if his parents and Jordie were still alive like Inej’s were, he couldn’t go back. He’s not like Inej—bruised but still herself—he has become something else, something his parents and Jordie would hate and revile. There will be no salvation for the boy who had once been Kaz Rietveld, he’d burned and destroyed every path that might lead anywhere but his own damnation.

His shoulders hitch and a sob rips out of his mouth. His cheeks are wet, and the sensation is so strange it takes him a couple minutes to realize he’s crying for the first time in going on a decade. He presses his face into the pillow to try to stop it, but he can’t. He just sobs and sobs and sobs.

He wishes someone would come and comfort him the way his father used to back on the farm, but he knows it won’t happen. He is Dirtyhands and no one comforts Dirtyhands. Besides, he’s to broken to even allow anyone to touch him. Who would even want to bother trying to deal with all that?

So, he stays curled up on the bed, wrapped around his pillow and cries alone until the Slat begins to wake up around him and he finally passes out from exhaustion.

(24)

When he wakes up next, it must be late in the day, though he’s not a hundred percent sure because the curtains block out most of the light. His head aches from a combination of crying and a hangover, and he feels washed-out and hopeless.

He shifts slightly and curls tighter around his pillow. He feels so alone, like he could vanish into the atmosphere right now and no one would ever notice. He wishes Anika would come back. He’s not sure if he would let her in, but he would like to hear her voice. He thinks that would help.

She doesn’t come. He clings to the pillow because it feels like it’s the only thing holding him together. He doesn’t want to let go.

He should get up and go deal with the mess he made of both his room and his relations with his spiders, but he can’t find it in him to move. Does it really matter what he does? Maybe the world would really just keep spinning and he could just lie here until he feels like he’s in control of his life again.

Somehow, he manages to get his boots, coat, vest and tie off without letting go of his pillow. He slides under the blankets and curls up again. He closes his eyes and simply lets go.

(25)

Time passes. Kaz floats in and out of dull, heavy sleep. Sometimes he’s vaguely aware of people knocking on his door, but they don’t come in (can’t come in because of all the locks) and he doesn’t respond. It doesn’t matter. They’re just trying to figure out why he isn’t doing his job because as much as they’re afraid of him, they’re afraid of the Dregs seeming weak even more.

He is so alone and so sad and he wants someone to come comfort him, but he doesn’t know how to ask for help anymore and doesn’t trust anyone enough anyway. Well, he trusts Inej, but she deserves so much better than being wrapped up in his issues.

He hugs the pillow to his chest even more tightly. It’s the closest thing to a hug he’s likely to ever get and he tries to tell himself its good enough. It’s not. It will never be, but he has to make do.

After all, who would ever want to do anything for the terrifying Dirtyhands?

Sorry that this part's a little shorter. I was going to keep going, but I realized this was a good place to end this section. There's maybe two parts left, which hopefully will be up promptly.

Hopefully this part worked out. Have you ever planned a certain part of a story hundreds of times only to actually get to writing it to find that you can't remember how you wanted to do it? That's what happened to me at the end of the this part. Not the first time, that's happened to me, actually. It happened with an original thing I was working on this summer too.

I've become fascinated with Kaz's relationship with Anika. I'm not sure what to define them as, because I wouldn't say they're friends, but they're definitely not strangers (causal acquaintances, maybe? Colleagues?). No matter which way you look at it, I feel like the Dregs (especially the younger members) probably care for Kaz way more than he thinks they do.

So, I'll try to get the next part to you as soon as possible. Look forward to some Inej POV!

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youremyonlyhope · 3 years

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Thoughts on the Six of Crows Duology

Maybe it’s because this took place over a much shorter timespan than Shadow and Bone, but I feel like I could pinpoint all the plot points and the timelines of Shadow and Bone better than I can for Six of Crows. When I made my post about SaB, it was easier to remember the order that everything happened. I think that because SoC has multiple chapters covering the same period time from different characters’ perspectives along with lots of flashbacks thrown in, that it’s causing the order of events to be a jumble in my mind.

But anyway, Six of Crows was a dramatic and fun (well... not fun..) heist novel, while Crooked Kingdom made it its personal mission to destroy me emotionally. I loved every second of it but I don’t know when I’ll properly recover.

Obvious spoilers for Six of Crows trilogy, but also the Grishaverse in general. (Most of this was written at the end of June but not posted until now)

So I guess I’ll start with Six of Crows. Maybe I’ll do a paragraph for each part... I’ll probably give up on that pretty quickly but we’ll see.

I love that the series has Inej’s POV be the first of the Crows that we get and then she also gets to be the last POV of the Crows too. If I hadn’t seen season 1 of Shadow and Bone first, I’m not sure how I’d have reacted to Kaz’s ruthlessness or the world of Ketterdam in general. I also knew that the Kanej relationship would be insane amounts of pining and the pain of requited-but-thought-to-be-unrequited love, so I was sort of shocked that in one of the first chapters Kaz changes clothes with Inej in the room and she ponders “Am I the only one he lets get this close?” And he says in that same chapter “my darling Inej, treasure of my heart...” I was like, I know he’s probably teasing but oh my god... we’re just going right into it. Leigh’s teasing us already. I knew then it would be torture. Moving on. Matthais killing a wolf hurt my soul and I wasn’t even aware that the wolves were THAT sacred to Fjerdans. And I guess maybe I shouldn’t have watched the show first since Matthais trying to choke Nina did not shock me.

I give up on this one paragraph per part thing already.

Something I did not expect was Jesper sort of having a crush on Kaz too. Did I just not notice that in the show or did they decide to leave that out? I guess I shouldn’t be shocked but still, reading about Jesper’s little tiny thoughts of jealousy was interesting. Inez’s thoughts of how much she hated that her heart’s arrow seemed to aim for Kaz when nothing can ever come of it hurt me. AHHH and idiot Kaz saying “I always come back for my investments” to Inej when he’s carrying her just.. this idiot. Did he ever even say “I’m sorry” at some point in the books? I can’t remember, it’s a blur of emotions. Kaz, sweetheart, you’re CARRYING Inej, you can barely stand having someone touch your sleeve and you’re CARRYING her. How could Inej even question that he cared about her more than just being another investment if he carried her to safety? How could you question it if he feels comfortable enough to undress around you? The boy’s dumb, listen to his actions not the stupid words he says.

It’s funny, while double checking how many more Grisha books remained as I walked to my bookstore a few days ago to pick up Nikolai’s books, I saw on Leigh’s website that she has another book called The Ninth House. And it said “While the books of the Grishaverse can be safely explored by readers of any age, Ninth House is darker, more graphic, and intended for adults.”

...

Ok Leigh. Tell me in what world would the scene where Kaz stabs and pulls out the eye of Oomen then throws him overboard be considered a scene that can be “safely explored by readers of any age”?? That was a lot. I wasn’t expecting that level of personal violence this early. I was just as horrified as Wylan and Matthais were when they witnessed it.

Anyway. Nina wishing for one more day of Healer training back in the Little Palace hurt. Looking back through the book just now I laughed at Nina saying to Jesper, of all people, “Do you know how to find a Grisha who doesn’t want to be found?” I have so many thoughts about Jesper that I will have to save for later. And Matthais’ “I might have loved you too.” felt like a stab to my heart. Honestly I know I said earlier that Crooked Kingdom ruined me, but I guess SoC did too and I just forgot about it all until just now because Crooked Kingdom turned it up to another level.

The friendships they all have. I almost wish they never needed to leave that boat. Nina and Inej were adorable when Nina sang for her. Jasper and Inej bonding over questioning why they still follow (and love) Kaz while also knowing neither of them ever want to stop was amazing. Throw in Kaz thinking “Because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days” about Inej and it’s just a recipe for making Hope emotional.

People had told me the Nina and Matthais scenes of SaB season 1 were pulled straight from Six of Crow’s flashbacks, and they were not lying. A few differences here and there but it’s pretty accurate. I think the show’s pacing for those scenes was off though, sometimes it felt rushed and other times it felt too drawn out (especially since I had no clue how these two would fit into everything because I hadn’t read the books yet). Reading the scenes made me appreciate what they’d been through much more. And I do like how the show adapted the reason that Nina turned Matthais in as a slaver.

Slowly having Kaz and Jordie’s backstory unfold was traumatizing. I had wondered what made him so touch averse, and now I get it. What Kaz went through was terrible. I could barely read the words because it was so painful. Inej being so understanding while not knowing everything that happened, just knowing that Kaz needs her to not judge him for fainting or recoiling from touch, was beautiful.

The reveal that Jesper was a Grisha was sort of spoiled for me because 1) in the show one of the Heartrenders said “What are you? You’re a-” to him so that was a big hint. And 2) a YouTube comment I saw confirmed that that line referenced that he was Grisha. This is a trend, YouTube comments have spoiled me multiple times over the last 2 months. You’d think I’d learn, but nope, I just got spoiled for Rule of Wolves not even an hour ago because of a YouTube comment. I thought I was finally safe to watch SoC videos since I wouldn’t be spoiled. I forgot that people can discuss the other books too. Anyway, Jesper being a Fabrikator is a dream come true since that’d be my ideal Grisha power. Even though I knew it was coming, I still was sort of surprised by the way it was revealed, so I’m sure that it came as a shock to readers who avoid spoilers, unlike me.

The entire heist in the Ice Court caused me constant anxiety. How in the world could everything go so wrong in so many different ways and still work out? I felt like every single page there was some new blindside and yet the Crows (but mostly Kaz) managed to figure out a way out of it. I really didn’t think that it’d start to go wrong as early as it did with literally the first very first steps of the plan failing. Nina and Kaz searching the cells and getting caught, Inej finding out that the chimney was hot and ended up melting her shoes (I was so especially mad about the shoes being ruined). I was very surprised that Kaz was as reckless as he was to detour and find Rollins. It felt out of character, but proved how deep his hatred is if he nearly risked the entire reward just to make sure that he still has the chance to get revenge on Rollins later.

Nina and Inej pretending to be with the Menagerie was insane. Inej’s internal freak out when Heleen recognized her made me feel so scared for her, but I was 20 times more scared for Nina with Brum. Those few moments where I thought Matthais really had betrayed the Crows and sold them out to Brum made me so mad. I knew deep down it had to be a bluff to get Brum out of the way, but I was still scared it was real. God, I felt so much relief when Matthais let her out, they found Kuwei, and Kaz got them all out through the Sacred Ash.

The stealing and driving of the tank was borderline ridiculous, but I was just happy to be along for the ride. Nina using the parem though... and the pain she went through afterwards while in withdrawal. God that hurt me. I couldn’t even be remotely happy at Kaz admitting he wants Inej because I was so worried about Nina. I literally was like “Kaz shut up about your feelings, Nina’s body is literally falling apart in the other room.”

I should have seen it coming that the Van Eck deal was too good to be true, and yet I was still blindsided by the attack and the kidnapping of Inej. And then going straight into a chapter narrated by Pekka Rollins was like whiplash, but I just went with it. I didn’t really realize how strange it was to get Pekka’s POV, but I didn’t care because I saw all the remaining pages and wanted to see how they’d save Inej. Then that chapter ended and on the next page I read the words “I have a degenerative condition...” I was confused by the sudden use of first person, and realized I was at the Acknowledgements, which meant the book was done.

I looked from the last page, back to the acknowledgements, and back to the last page, then I literally said “WHAT” out loud as it hit me that the book had ended with the worst cliffhanger I think I’ve ever experienced. I legitimately tossed the book to the floor after I came to terms with the fact that book was done. I was so mad.

Onto Crooked Kingdom! Boy did I not know what I was in for. I thought I did. I knew Chapter 40 was coming but instead I got an entire book of emotional destruction.

First of all, I love maps. So I was very glad to get a detailed map of Ketterdam with streets! And actual places! I probably stared at it and studied it for 5 minutes straight before even reading the book. The more detailed a map is, the happier I am. This map made me very happy.

The biggest takeaway of the first section of Crooked Kingdom is that Inej still believes that Kaz only cares for her as an investment. Breaks my heart. But also, Kaz traumatizing a little girl in the first few chapters makes you wonder if he even deserves Inej (he does, but wow is he ruthless. He didn’t kill the kid at least I guess).

Colm. I have thoughts about Colm. He’s such a loving father. I will say more later when it’s more relevant. I loved that the rest of the Crows came to Jesper’s defense to create a lie for his dad, and that Colm adopted all of the kids. I can’t even read the word Colm without wanting to sob so I’ll stop with him for now.

I don’t know how I feel about us, as the readers, being left out of pieces of the plan. I’m not sure if this is something I love or hate about the way that Leigh writes the Crows novels. It’s fun for plot twists and usually does make sense when it’s from the POV of a character that Kaz purposefully leaves out of part of a plan, but that doesn’t always end up being the case. The Alys kidnapping was a complete blindside to me. Matthais sharing the chocolates he bought for Nina with Alys was sweet though, that he wants Nina to eat again so much that he’s ok with it just being sweets. I feel so bad that Nina can’t even eat that.

The Goedmedbridge plan with all the fake Mister Crimsons was an actual stroke of genius, if only the Shu didn’t come out of nowhere. Once again, everything going wrong yet the Crows finding their way out of it somehow. While Six of Crows felt like everything was going to plan until it wasn’t and then they were able to get back on track in a different way, Crooked Kingdom felt like constant blockages and blindsides and conflicts that came out of nowhere. The story and the plan and the plot changed so many times that it felt like I was on a roller coaster getting whiplash.

I’m scanning Part 3 and honestly, this feels like it all happened 5 minutes ago not like it was in the first half of the book. But oh my god, the line after Kaz and Inej stakeout the Van Eck house. “I would come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together – knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting.” Inej, my girl, how in the world do you think this boy doesn’t care about you? Oh my god... oh my god... I’d die if someone said something like that to me. Kaz, sweetheart, love, sometimes you say the stupidest things, but then other times you say the most violently romantic things I’ve ever heard.

And then Matthais saying Nina looked “Enchanting” in the Fjerdan clothing? This was just chapter after chapter of me squealing. And honestly, once again, meeting Zoya in the tavern feels like it happened in Part 5 not Part 3. I read this book so quickly that I really can’t remember the order of events until now that I’m scanning it.

I’m really glad that we got more of Wylan’s backstory and got to meet his mom. I wish he could have been better prepared for that, but there was no way. Hearing about Matthais’ wolf Trassel was the perfect thing to start breaking my heart. I said this last time with Hershaw and Oncat, I’m more sad when a pet is left behind by their dead/missing owner than when the pet themselves die. I nearly sobbed when Matthais thought about how Trassel must have been abandoned by the other Druseklle when he disappeared.

Matthais, Jesper, and Kuwei half-theorizing an antidote for parem was amazing. Also I love that Matthais is the one who kind of guesses that Jesper’s restlessness is the effect from him not using his power regularly. Matthais, you really had a knack for understanding the Grisha.

Ok. Here we go. Jesper’s backstory. When I found out that Jesper was half Kaelish and half Zemeni, I was beyond overjoyed. I am half Black half Irish, with the same parentage as Jesper, so that representation made me happy. I didn’t expect to shed tears though when we finally got his backstory and to get to know his parents a little. The love that his mom and dad had for each other was absolutely beautiful. The fact that Aditi died while trying to save a little girl hurt me so much. Jesper wondered if he had been older and more trained would he have saved her, but honestly, he probably would have just put the poison in himself and died instead. Colm saying “She was a queen, Jes. She was our queen” tore out my heart. The way that Jesper and Colm had to look after each other after that. Jesper trying to cook and burning the food but Colm still eating every bit. Them just having to try to be ok after losing her, and Jesper knowing he wasn’t meant for this life on the farm. All of it continued to tear my heart straight out of my chest and stomp on it.

Guys I’m legitimately tearing up all over again. I had to fight to not be a mess reading it the first time and I still shed some tears over it. This is why I can’t even type Colm’s name without letting out a sob. He loves his son and his wife so much. He always wanted what was best and was constantly worried for them because they’re Grisha. They’re Zowa. I couldn’t handle Jesper’s backstory. And every single interaction Colm and Jesper had after I read what they went through, I’d let out a sob or even shed a tear. I loved their relationship and the love they have for each other so much.

Everything going wrong in a billion different ways at once honestly made me go “Come on not AGAIN.” Dunyasha coming out of nowhere, Pekka Rollins sabotaging Kaz, the other Lions ambushing the Black Veil. It was honestly a miracle that they all got out of it. I was especially, ESPECIALLY, proud of Matthais coaching Kuwei and Jesper on how to use their powers to get them out of the situation. This boy went from killing Grisha, to helping lead them. This character development is amazing. And he’s still internally fighting the part of him that says “Unnatural” and is making the choice to ignore the hate that was trained into him. I love him.

Nina’s zombies though. At first I was like “Oh haha she can control bones, that’s fun” when she blew up the tavern windows, but that turned morbid, literally morbid, very quickly. Animating corpses. I mean. It’s a great power to have honestly. Disgusting and horrifying, but very useful.

“What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?” “Who the hell is Jordie?” When I say I gasped and my jaw dropped at that part... Literally, I couldn’t move past that line for at least 30 seconds. I just stared at the page and reread those two lines over and over again because I could not believe Kaz really slipped up like that. But also, oh my god, the implications of how much Kaz cares about Jesper if he’s mixing him up subconsciously with his brother, the brother who literally is the reason he has fought to become the feared gang leader he is and to bring down Rollins. He called Jesper Jordie. I still cannot believe it. And the way Kaz’s face looked frightened... I’m so excited to see this scene in the TV show.

Ok, home stretch.

Jesper and Colm finally clearing the air was yet another scene that made me shed tears over these two. The way that we found out that Colm didn’t want Jesper to go to be trained but gave him the choice anyway, and that Jesper didn’t go because he didn’t want to leave his father behind. God, my heart would have just broken if he’d left Colm behind. Oh no I’m going to start crying again. “His heart hurt. His head hurt. Guilt and love and resentment were all tangled up inside him, and every time he tried to unravel the knot in his gut, it got worse.” I felt that. I hate that after all of that, the conversation didn’t even get to get to end on good terms. Colm still doesn’t want him to use his power because of what happened to his mother, and Jasper says “I’m dying anyway, Da. I’m just doing it slow.” and it absolutely destroyed me. It’s like they put my heart back in my chest, only to rip it out again and shred it this time.

And then of course that led to Jesper kissing Kuwei instead of Wylan, which brings up some messy dubious consent stuff. I thought it was a little out of nowhere, but then I remembered the Kuwei did complain earlier “Why do you keep looking at him? I look just like him. You can look at me.” At that time, that complaint seemed strange, but it made sense when this kiss happened that Kuwei liked Jesper too.

But who even cares about Jesper and Wylan and Kuwei having some sort of love triangle, when the bathroom scene is coming up for Inej and Kaz. I don’t mean to push Jesper and Wylan’s relationship woes to the side, but oh my god. I swear, I was holding my breath while reading this bathroom scene. I felt like I was personally interrupting their moment every second that I was reading it, but also I needed to keep reading to see what would happen. Every touch was as nerve-wracking for me as it was for Kaz (ok maybe not, but still). And after all of that, after Kaz tells her the horrible things he did to the people who were in on Rollins’ plot that killed Jordie, she still sees the good in him. I cannot handle these two. Oh my god. These two are on a completely different level of pining. “If you ever cared about me at all, don’t follow.” Poor Inej, having to go from that intimate moment to watching Kaz be beaten and somehow win a fight with 20 people.

Sturmhond showing up made my life. The moment I read the words “fox-faced man” my whole body perked up. I was like “Hope. Don’t get too excited. Yes it’s probably him, but don’t get excited.” but when Kaz recognized him I actually squealed at the confirmation. Nikolai owns my heart. And so does Jesper now. So the little bit of dialogue those two shared made me actually kick my feet with joy. “Take me with you.” Honestly, these two together for a period of time longer than 1 minute would probably make the world explode. But oh, what I’d give for a Jesper and Nikolai buddy comedy...

When Leigh let us believe that everything was going wrong in the plan (Wylan telling Van Eck everything, the fake Council of Tides crashing the auction, Inez saying Kuwei has to die) only for us to find out that it was all really a part of the plan was just plain cruel. I was so upset. I guess it’s fitting, after all the things that really went wrong for them, they had to take a little bit more. But this is one of the few times that we the reader are completely left out of the plan, and it’s not just because we’re following the POV of someone who was left out of whatever specific part of the plan didn’t involve them. This time all the characters knew, but Leigh didn’t tell the reader.

The way that Van Eck’s story and lies all just fell apart bit by bit was beautiful, though. Masterful. Kaz pretending to take Rollins’ son was almost cruel, but he was lying, so it’s ok. I was going to be horrified if he really did it though, but I was also thinking “When would he have had time to do all that anyway?”

Chapter 38. I had been spoiled before even starting the books that Matthais would die. And I had seen a YouTube comment that said “I can’t wait to see Nina and Matthais’ actors do Chapter 40.” I assumed his death happens in Chapter 40. So when I started Chapter 38, I assumed this would be the last time I’d read a chapter in Matthais’ POV. I was wrong of course.

But Matthais’ death gave me nearly the same feelings that Owen Harper’s first death in Torchwood did. It came out of nowhere, right when you think everything is solved and all that’s left to do is go home. Our beloved character talks calmly to the person with the gun, relates to them, tells them they’re more reasonable than to shoot, and then gets shot point blank anyway out of nowhere. “You don’t want to hurt me. I know. I was like you once.” is what Matthais said. “We’re both rational men, scientists. I know you don’t want to shoot her.” is what Owen said as he protected Martha. The main difference is that I wasn’t spoiled for Owen’s death, so it really blindsided me, but he also got revived shortly after. I was spoiled for Matthais’ death right down to the chapter it happens in, but his death was finite.

And then I think we’re about to lose Kuwei, but Zoya’s able to save him. Matthais shows up, gives us a little hope that he might be ok (but I knew he wouldn’t), and dies in Nina’s arms. Nina attempting to resurrect him ALSO gave me Owen vibes, right down to the black eyes, but that resurrection didn’t stick. God. If I had known Matthais’ death would be so similar to Owen’s... no, I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t tell if I’d have been better off knowing how much it would remind me of Owen ahead of time. Maybe it’s better I didn’t know of the similarities since that made the death worse, despite me knowing it was coming.

Chapter 40 still being in Matthais’ POV, right when I had come to terms ahead of time that Chapter 38 would be the last time I read his narration, came as a real shock. He’s with the wolves in heaven. Ahhhhh. Help. The friends not even knowing how he died makes it even worse.

“We were all supposed to make it.” That’s when I started to let tears fall. I’d really been fighting it. I was like “Hope. You knew this was coming when you started this series. You are fine. You’re fine.” and then Wylan says that and I’m like “I’m not remotely fine.” And Colm telling them to say their goodbyes, and Colm being himself and making me cry with every other line he said anyway, just made more tears fall as they walked up and said goodbye.

I’m glad Nina got Matthais’ share of the money. It breaks my heart that she now has to go and bury him. I’m excited to see what she does in King of Scars or Rule of Wolves (or both, I know she’s in at least one of them) since she’ll hopefully keep up Matthais’ dream of helping the Fjerdans accept Grisha. I was beyond proud of Jesper to be like “I shouldn’t hold that much money right now” and Kaz saying “That’s the right move, Jes” in approval. And of course, Colm and Jesper saying goodbye did nothing but make me cry MORE.

And here we go. The chapter that made me actually cry. Before this, it was just shedding tears and choking a sob or two. Inej’s final chapter made me actually sob and cry so hard that I could barely read the pages through the tears. Kaz really bought her a boat and named it after her. “I don’t know what to say.” “Say you’ll return.” just tear my heart out please.

But what really got the waterworks going was Kaz having Nikolai find Inej’s parents for her. God. The last time a book made me happy cry was The Color Purple, and it was a similar situation. Celie’s sister Nettie returns to her, and I had to fight not to cry when I finished that book while on the train. When I saw the musical version on broadway a few months later, I sobbed so hard with happiness that I cried through the finale, through the curtain call, and kept crying as I walked up the aisle and out the theater. I couldn’t handle how happy I was.

Inej being reuinited with her parents was Celie and Nettie all over again. Now that is some HIGH praise. The Color Purple is one of my favorite books. I cannot give any higher praise to Crooked Kingdom than to compare Inej’s reunion to Celie’s.

And Kaz being a little concerned that he’d overstepped by doing it, then Inej insisting he come to meet them too was adorable. “Is my tie straight?” And her mom’s shock at finally seeing her daughter again, oh my god. I read this in bed last night at 3am. When that chapter finished, I put the book on my chest and just lied there and sobbed for a full minute. I couldn’t stop right away like I managed to do for the other cries. This cry had to come out and it had to take at least a little bit of time to run its course.

Of course, I’m glad that Inej got to ensure that Rollins never returns to Ketterdam, and I get that having Pekka have the last chapter is a parallel to Six of Crows, but I almost wish the book had just ended when Inej found her family.

I am at 4600 words and still not done, but it’s 2am so I’ll add more thoughts tomorrow evening.

...

That was all from late June. Fast forward almost a month, I’m finally adding to this post.

Something I was worried about when I first started reading Six of Crows was that there was colorism when casting Jesper. Reading that he was described as dark skinned and then looking at Kit Young, I felt a little bit... iffy about it. Because I know, as a mixed person, we get a lot of privilege in Hollywood and are often the only Black people in tv-shows and movies. We benefit from colorism, especially when it comes to mixed women, since light to medium skinned Black actors are often cast instead of dark skinned actors. I spent most of Six of Crows worried that they’d taken the Zemeni character of Jesper, who also happens to be the only Black character, and casted him with a mixed actor. I could tell while reading the book that Kit had played Jesper perfectly, which made me feel a little better, but I still had a bit of discomfort. I was worried it was Rue in the Hunger Games all over again.

However, once it’s hinted that Jesper’s father has some Kaelish heritage, and then we later meet Colm and he’s fully Kaelish with light skin and red hair, I felt much better. I actually felt overjoyed because Jesper was mixed exactly like me. I was relieved that casting Jesper with a mixed actor was not colorism, but a requirement for his character in order to be accurate. I was so relieved and also now I fiercely clung to Jesper as another example of representation for me. On that note, maybe they could have casted him with a darker skinned mixed actor, someone like Alfred Enoch for example, just to give dark skinned mixed people some more representation since Jesper is described as dark and Kit’s skintone is medium. But then again, Kit was definitely the perfect choice since he completely captured Jesper’s character and he said he really identified with Jesper’s mixed heritage being like his own. Basically, I’m very happy that Jesper is a mixed character played by a mixed race actor, and not another example of pure colorism in Hollywood (though that’s still a major issue). I really can’t even complain. I love Jesper and I love Kit’s portrayal.

Honestly, the casting in general for the show was really perfect. I might be biased since I saw the show first, but reading the book I was shocked at how perfectly cast they all were.

I am concerned though about Wylan. He is going to be very hard to cast. Or more accurately, Kuwei’s actor will be tough to cast and will have a very difficult job portraying 2 characters at once. And then I guess whoever gets cast as normal Wylan will have to just deal with barely appearing in Crooked Kingdom. Also, as for Wylan changing race to be disguised as Kuwei... I had some mixed feelings about it at first. I really was like “Leigh... what are you doing with this... be careful...” But then Wylan’s narrative showed him being unsure how to navigate the world looking like he’s Shu, having people come up to him speaking a language he doesn’t speak, and being treated differently because he looks foreign to them, especially since the Shu who were in Ketterdam didn’t have the best intentions. I appreciated that. I like that it opened Wylan’s eyes a bit more because he’d been so sheltered his whole life. Even after living in the Barrel and joining the Crows, there were still things he needed to be exposed to, like racism. So I’m glad the story went in that direction with his tailored face. I’m honestly more excited to see who is cast as Kuwei than who is cast as Wylan because Kuwei’s actor is going to have the more interesting performance.

I REALLY enjoyed the Six of Crows duology. I sped through the two books in about 3 weeks (I think I read Crooked Kingdom in probably only a week). Honestly, I’m not speeding through King of Scars that same way. It’s a combination of my work life being very chaotic for the last few weeks, and me being so devastated that Nikolai’s back to having the shadow monster that I almost don’t want to read on. I was beyond devastated when that happened in Ruin and Rising, I thought he’d never be ok again, then I was relieved when it went away. Now that it’s back... I’m just incredibly sad every second that I read this book. I’m nearly halfway through the book though, after the same amount of time it took me to read both Crows books, so we’ll see where it goes.

But I could not put the Crows books down while I read them if you paid me. Literally. I read during every single lunch break at work and was probably a few minutes late coming back because I’d want to finish the page. I stayed up late reading and reading and reading the books. I read on the ferry, I read in the car, I read during times that I’d usually spend watching TV shows or movies. These books were amazing. They destroyed me emotionally, in both happy and sad ways. I can’t get over them. I can’t wait to see them brought to life in the show.

#six of crows #crooked kingdom #grishaverse #shadow and bone #help this post is literally 5800 words i couldn't stop writing #posting now before it sits in my drafts for another 3 weeks

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whoslaurapalmer · 3 years

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okay, final rule of wolves thoughts, clearly very spoilery, also literally just me talking about writing --

-there was a LOT going on plot wise but I feel like it was all paced pretty well, but at the end it did fall apart a little? mayu's pov just drops out?? (that's the book you should write next leighb not more crows as much as I love the crows but I'll get to that) zoya being queen is like phenomenal but also is really rushed?? same with nina and hanne?? they all become rulers completely unchallenged, without any difficulty? -again, phenomenal moments and rightfully so and I'm glad they happen and they SHOULD, that difficulty shouldn’t always be there, nina calling it a beautiful dream but it being real matters so much, but it just doesn't feel.......narratively well done idk idk -i think it is just that it feels really rushed in some way -like i don’t want them to have to work harder for that. but it IS really, really rushed

-captain inej. my whole heart -kaz and jesper and wylan..........also my whole heart -kaz. my boy. the light of my fucking life. -l o v e h i m

-i loved seeing zoya and genya and alina hang out at the very very end and wish there'd been moreeeeee

-ONCAT’S STILL ALIVE, THERE IS A GOD -misha.......... :(

-david's death -- on one hand, the cruel casualties of war, even when you think nothing can go wrong, the contrast in it happening right after the wedding, war and life can turn on a dime and that’s just, how it happens -- but, ugggg. It hurts bc there was so much of david and genya being precious and that shouldn't be the slap in the face it is when you read it again because then it's not sweet it's just foreshadowing loss and that's actually aggravating to think about. because we got so MUCH of it in rule of wolves. -especially bc david is THE ONLY casuality of the cast in this book????? literally the only one?????? unless i forgot someone???? -not that I WANTED more cast to die but. big casualties in alina's story and one (1) here. yes they've already lost a lot and zoya's garden shows that but, then especially why kill david

-i don't know if I think the darkling gets redeemed -- I think it's a little funny that he brings together the starless one worshippers and he super hates them bc they aren't what he thinks he deserves and he can't completely manipulate them -- and I think him being resurrected in yuri in king of scars was a FASCINATING twist. because you read that and you think, oh my god, how are they going to handle that??????

-but, that's the thing, in writing -- it's not enough to write something that's a fascinating twist, you need to follow through with the right consequences of that twist. which means, you have the darkling again. what happens with him? he’s killed again -- but if immediately, why bring him back? if they wait to kill him, what is his worth to the plot that he lives longer? (and then he manages to manipulate them again!! as much as i wanted to see alina, i was really surprised that they actually, legitimately put them in the same room, that they even considered it, that they even asked alina!!! yes, nikolai will expend any avenue to help ravka -- but put alina and the darkling in the same room??????????)

-he’s not killed again, or right away -- then he has to hang around. what does he do? does he try to regain his followers? he can’t because they aren’t who he wants. he has no one to go to. he doesn’t even go to alina again even if he knows where she is. does he immediately plot against nikolai? but even the darkling admitted he can’t, but, since he did keep his powers, he’s clearly capable of it, actually. so then he’s just, trying to get the worshippers together and it just keeps going wrong for him like a sitcom plot? if he has to live -- is he redeemed? not every character can be redeemed. not every character DESERVES to be redeemed. does he hide and we never see him for the rest of the book? then that leaves an unresolved plot thread to be brought back later, and why? and then why not just kill him? -then does he become a bigger plot problem for the characters that’s kind of unnecessary?

-so it brings me back to, again -- as fascinating a twist as it was, was it necessary? does the act of following through with the consequences come to outweigh the power of the twist, because those consequences cause more problems? -and in general i think leighb is really good at working with ‘x happens -- there are consequences’ in her plots, so that’s why i’m so concerned about picking them apart

-i’m sorry to make this like all about lulu talks about writing semantics but i respect leighb a lot as a writer particularly in her worldbuilding and characters which is why i want to think about this on a technical level -so in the end -- is it a good twist??? or does it only harm or reduce the narrative that came before (he had to die and that was okay!!!!) and add an unnecessary additional plot problem to the narrative now??

-but -the darkling having to be the one in the thornwood, and finally stop the spread of the fold, what he himself was responsible for, that he deserves to finally suffer for because the darkling is a fuckwad and I hold like zero sympathy for him????? beautiful beautiful beautiful. (-but, again, it felt kind of too convenient, to have that be the answer to the blight.) (what should be the answer? i don’t know. it makes me wonder if the blight was something else unnecessary) -but then genya forgiving him, for knowingly giving her to the king??? (not everyone has to be forgiven. not everyone can be forgiven.) zoya fulfilling his wish to be a saint???? which she did not have to do???? (guess it would appease the followers though??) giving him a pov???? like we need to know where he is, and it's funny that he's pissed off at the followers, but also maybe shouldn't be funny??? -oh what would've been fun (the good fun. not funny fun) was him wrestling with yuri more

-SPEAKING OF WRESTLING i know nikolai has to come to terms with the demon somehow and the failed obisbaya apparently helped but the demon was in the back quite a bit, I thought, even for as much as he shows up -maybe it’s just because it’s been like a year since i read king of scars

-okay so the ending -i know leighb said she wanted this to be like the grand finale of grishaverse but that she was still open to more and like i completely understand that but -knowing when to end something is important, too. -every story has a natural conclusion. I think, yeah, there’s always, some piece that could probably still be talked about, BUT – you can’t just keep going back to a story or a world and try to draw more out of it, keep pushing something in it so you can push your characters and your story more and more. eventually it won’t feel the same. it won’t be a natural ending anymore, it will be, here is an end, OH LOOK HERE’S A NEW THING, here is an end, OH LOOK HERE’S ANOTHER NEW THING, and that’s already happening a little here. (-i don’t think it was bad that it happened with nikolai at the end of ruin and rising -- that’s leighb addressing the consequences of something that she set up, and why i think king of scars was necesary.) -stories end. character arcs, as we know them, come to an end. if not, then they are just mined for content, usually angst and drama, and that’s especially not good writing. you risk stopping creating something that feels genuine. -so yeah i think king of scars was necessary to talk about the aftereffects of nikolai’s demon and where ravka is going. but i don’t know if i think it was successful. -what bothered me about king of scars, even with the parts i did like, was actually nikolai and zoya meeting elizabeta and juris and grigori -i don’t know if i just thought it was unexpected and i’d feel differently if i read it again?? but i never forget reading it last year and feeling just, weird about it, like it was too out of left field, idk -i think the connection between saints = grisha is important. but again it’s all just, execution stuff

-i don’t think she should’ve set up a whole new adventure in the last like four pages, if it’s supposed to also have the ability to be a contained end to the story -i don’t think it make sense to tease a new story!! i don’t think it’s needed!! i think it should have just had a plain happy ending with zoya taking the crown and being with nikolai!! i don’t think that’s bad!!!! -i know the big thing is that, the downfall of grisha is the desire for power, and that’s what got alina (at least she got better. like the one time where ‘character lost powers’ is okay) and especially the darkling, but zoya has come really far in these two books in how she sees other people and working on relying on them as people she loves and i liked her chapters the best and they were what hit me the hardest, and i know it’s going to be a worry for her but i don’t think the idea of her becoming the darkling is something that should be given that weight -ESPECIALLY IF IT WAS ONLY FOR FOUR PAGES

-so yeah i think the logical next book would be a place leighb hasn’t explored, like with six of crows. -there’s a lot to do with the shu and the kerghud that she could do and as much as i love kaz and think another heist would be cool, a heist has already been done and i think it would be a wasted opportunity to do that without doing something new in the grishaverse

-it honestly really made me want to reread six of crows because i missed the crows a lot -and i think it says a lot that so many people liked the chapters with kaz and jesper and wylan so much in rule of wolves -that was why i caved and bought rule of wolves right away!!! because i wanted to see the boy!!!!!! but i did also care about nikolai and zoya. -personally i do think six of crows are the best books in grishaverse. i think they’re the most tightly plotted and have the best characters and are the most CONTAINED and the most compelling (even if i can’t always follow kaz’s implied background machinations) (i can’t always keep track of all the politics either!!) (not that big of a deal for me, though.) -that duology is close to perfect. i think everything wraps up almost completely neatly (although i will, actually, be wondering now, about how death is handled in a narrative, re: matthias, because when i was reading them i thought, well, someone has to die in crooked kingdom, but, why? but anyway), and i love that the ending of it all is 1) characters continuing to change, and showing they will continue to change 2) inej reuniting with her parents aaaaaaa (-worth noting though that the epilogue of ruin and rising is indeed one of my favorite things as well, too.)

-i did still enjoy rule of wolves, though!!! a lot of little moments i really really liked, and nikolai and zoya were beautiful and delightful and i love them too, and i do kind of want to reread king of scars and this one again to see if my opinion has changed when i read them closer together but -i also do really just want to reread six of crows, again.

#i don't know what this is. i really went off here #just about a lot of things about. putting together a story

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