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mooncheese3 · 9 months

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the man called otto au, old man!sj and the luo family. he was not able to escape wyz in the iac bc wyz decided not to sneak into it, instead spending that week in a brothel to waste away a truly big bag of coin he was lucky enough to snatch.

cw // suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts

bc of this sj wasnt able to find out what happened to yq and cultivate,and so stayed a mortal. one day wyz comes across another kid, and tries to off sj since he'd outlived his usefulness. sj outsmarts him, so wyz just leaves with his new assistant, not finding sj enough of a risk to keep alive.

sj wanders, able to get by with money he'd acquired via the things wyz taught him--all very much illegal. one day he stays a bit longer in a town, and ends up staying the night in a brothel. apparently when you assist them in kicking out a horrible customer, they wouldnt mind it so much if you were to sleep in their storage room for free. (his pretty face also helped lmao. the only privelege sj has is pretty privelege, but even that doesnt come often). one night turns into a few days, and a few days turns into a week, and suddenly sj works there.

there he becomes friends with some of the prostitutes, and finds himself with a pseudo little sister with the name sisi

a few years pass; by this point hes a young adult. sj decides to travel around. he still hasnt accepted that yq could be dead (even if his head tells him its very likely yq is), so traveling would mean possibly getting closer to wherever yq may be. he moves in the general direction of cqms, as that was yq's destination. he goes through towns, cities, forests and roads, takes on odd jobs and errands but never begs--never again--yet despite all of that no hide nor hair of his older brother can be found. sj considers going to cqms directly, but if he were being honest...

yq tended to see the good in people. while not a bad thing in itself, it usually led to shitty things happening to people like them. added with the fact that yq was a runaway child slave with no money, wore clothes that kept the cold in rather than out, was illiterate and never learned how to mapread, had never traveled so far on his own with only a vague sense of where he was going, with unkown humans, demons, creatures and plants everywhere on his trek,,, the chances of sj finding his older brother decaying rather than breathing was too high

going to cang qiong and not finding yq there... to him, it would be as close to a confirmation that yq was dead. so he avoids it. (he doesnt stop himself from listening in on conversations about cang qiong, though)

thats how he spends most of his life, traveling and seeing the world, learning about all sorts of things on the way. he spends the freedom hed fought for in what he feels to be the fullest without being around people he doesnt already know. if yq really was dead, then hed be seeing the world for both of them while he could.

when days are too hard and the thought that he'd sent his qige to his death is too strong, sj feels the temptation to follow yq into the afterlife. the sword hed stolen and the dagger up his sleeve find themselves in his hands all too often on those nights, yet no injury ever appears on himself and he breathes just fine the following morning

one day he goes back to the brothel he used to work in, and discovers that sisi isnt there anymore. after catching up with his old friends he travels again, southward where the brothel theyd transferred some of their staff stood

eventually he and sisi reunite. she introduces him to her friend, meng shi, and her son, meng yao. hes appalled when he finds meng yao reading a fake cultivation manual, so he teaches meng yao how to tell a fake from a legitimate one. he also teaches him how to /get/ a legitimate one under a fair and affordable price. sisi wheedles sj into teaching meng yao more, so he does

sj goes back on the road, and somewhere along the way settles in a hut along the luo river. but even when he lives on the outskirts of the village, which was already a decent distance away from any cultivational sect, he still hears news of the head disciple of qiong ding peak's achievements in the defeat of tianlangjun. one thing leads to another and sj finds out that yqy is in fact his yq

a confrontation happens; yqy is beyond happy that sj is alive, if a little shocked and scared that all hes seeing is a ghost his mind conjured up. like canon sj asks why yqy didnt come back, and since yqy is a do or don't there is no try person (this mentality really fucks him up), yqy doesnt give any "excuse" as to why he was gone. he was a coward, incompetent and careless in his rush to go back to the qiu manor. the fact that he went back too late and /tried/ to save sj but found the estate in ashes didnt matter. to yqy, it is the end result that matters, not the effort and process it takes for him to get there. he didnt save sj, and that was that.

in the face of what sj went through, what he experienced was miniscule. look at them! while yqy was dressed in expensive fabrics with a face that looked no older than 20 bc of his high cultivation, sj was dressed in simple and cheap robes with signs of age, hardship, and days under the sun. what right did he have to stand here and make himself seem pitiful and sympathetic when he couldnt even save sj? in the end, all he says is a wretched "im sorry for not saving you."

(hc that yqy always had this mentality, it was just worsened by his shizun. yes hes totally downplaying everything he went through on his quest to try to save sj. yqy has serious self-worth issues)

sj refuses to go to cqms with yqy. hes far too old to cultivate so all he'll end up doing there is be a servant. in sj's view that was akin to returning to his old life, just under a different master in a far bigger "estate"

yqy visits often, leaving behind trinkets sj could pawn or sell and bags of money to keep himself fed and warm. he tries to reconnect with sj, but (like canon, just even worse) sj is not having it. to sj, these "gifts" are bribes for him to stay quiet to keep yqy's pristine reputation. sj drives yqy away, but always finds himself watching as yqy leaves. it seems that therell always be a small part of him that wants his older brother back.

as sj gets older he gets sicker, experiencing aches and pains and dreaded headaches.

yqy notices, and so starts to leave medicine as well.

the longer this goes on, the more yqy looks sad and regretful. the dark cloud that hangs above his head grows darker each time he arrives and is chased away

sj abruptly thinks that he should disappear. when he was gone, yqy was doing well. its only after he showed back up in his life that yqy seemed to start being more miserable.

it of course didnt help that sometimes one of yqy's martial siblings accompanied him on his visits. always staying on the outskirts of his property, but always with an odd and/or dissaproving look on their face. sometimes, sj would faintly hear them tell yqy that coming here wasnt worth it, or at least something similar to it (sj doesnt see the harsh and downright terrifying look yqy would then send that person)

the first time he seriously tries to end his life, it is unexpectedly cut short by a rapid knocking on his door

THIS IS WHERE THE LUO FAMILY COME IN!!! mme luo comes knocking on his door one day, carrying a small feverish toddler. she has no money to go to the nearest doctor (this particular doctor likes charging too high), and the closest neighbor that hasnt already ignored her pleas for help is sj

sj aggrievedly lets her in, giving mme luo an appropriate dose of medicine so she could be the one to coax the kid into ingesting it. the child ends up recovering fairly quickly, and as thanks mme luo leaves a delicious plate of fish in a woven basket for sj

sj returns the basket. mme luo fills it again with another dish, this time with a bowl of sweet and sour pork with bokchoy soup

following the movie, everytime sj (otto) tries to khs, his attempts are unkowingly thwarted by the people hes shown kindness to

at some point mengyao (now very newly named jgy!!) encounters sj again. jgy doesnt stay long, since he does have to return to the jin sect, but he helps around the house. he cooks sj breakfast, teaches binghe etiquette, and becomes an indulgent culinary student to a very eager to show off binghe

each time someone barges into his life, sj always tells them to fuck off. most times he lets them in anyway, but others he shuts them out.

he goes too far one day, so mme luo does her mom thing and somehow gets him to open up. shes always tried to get him to do that, but sj always closed himself from others. this one time, sj tells her about his past and explains why he acts the way he does

while it is indeed the only time hes done so, he begins to allow himself to grow closer with others and let them get to know him, just as much as he gets to know about them

eventually, very slowly, qijiu begin to reconcile. yqy finds the courage to tell sj that he was hasty and was trapped within the ling xi caves, that he did go back, just too late. while theyll never be like they were before, they still had each other in the end

it would be nice if, unlike canon, him helping people inadvertently gets him to live, yk? kindness spreads kindness, that sort of thing

#original shen qingqiu #shen jiu #yue qingyuan #mama luo #baby binghe #sisi #meng yao #the man named otto au #watch the movie im being for real rn #its so good and its so sad #found family is so HMMSNN #yqy sheds tears everytime he comes back and theres more grey hairs on sj's head #sj is all “qige stop crying its natural🙄🙄🙄”#binghe steals hearts everywhere he goes #he also punches jgs in the family jewels the one time he visits his yao-gege #yqy of course helps binghe deal with the political aftermath #ive been having a lot of thoughts about the antagonists of mxtx becoming a family #i just think itd be neat

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feroluce · 2 months

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Thinking tonight about Caelus, and the nature of his loss and his grief after the Everything that went down in Penacony during 2.0.

Because Acheron, Black Swan, and Misha kind of knew of Firefly, they at least met her, but they didn't like really know her, and Caelus never even got the chance to introduce her to the rest of the Astral Express Crew. The only person who would have talked to her much was Sparkle, who is. Probably not really someone Caelus is interested in grieving with skznmsks

Anyway, all this to say, I like thinking about how alone poor Caelus is in his grief, because he was the only one who knew Firefly. He's the only one really mourning her. There's no one to talk about her with. There's no stories to trade or memories to reminisce with anyone over. It's not as though he knew her for long, but still. No one else knew her at all.

And I love the thought of all of this coming bubbling up, hot and acidic and bitter, during a conversation with Sampo, who Caelus just so happens to run into in the Golden Hour. Poor Sampo is kinda blindsided, he knew shit was going down in Penacony, but yeesh. And he just. Isn't quite sure what to say about it all, because he's never really encountered this before. His feelings about the Masked Fools are...a mixed bag, but he's been a part of them for a very long time, and when you're with a close organization like that, it's hard to feel alone, in grief or otherwise.

So Sampo sits there on their little bench that the two of them have occupied, and he thinks of his old friend April, how she'd died in his arms cackling and spitting her own blood after a heist gone wrong, and how after he'd dragged himself back to the World's End Tavern they'd all held a Fool's Funeral- which is basically just a big party where everyone gets really really drunk and reminisces and toasts the dead and celebrates their life.

He still thinks about her a lot, and he remembers how the time he'd most keenly felt her absence was on Jarilo-VI, the one place where he couldn't talk about her because he couldn't say anything to give himself away as an alien. The Fools still tell stories about her every time he goes back to the Tavern. His first toast of the night is always in her name. Even now, all these years after she'd died, Sampo is still learning new things about her. He's never had to grieve her alone.

Caelus doesn't have any of that.

He might never have that. As they speak, Caelus has no proof that Firefly was even her real name, or if she dreamt with her true appearance. He might not ever find out who she even was.

And just imagining that kind of loneliness hollows out a strange little pit, right behind his sternum, deep between his ribs.

So Sampo claps Caelus' shoulder and offers him a deal. Come find him outside of the dream. He knows a guy who can get them a lot of beer for really cheap-

("Is that guy you and your five finger discounts?" "Whatever do you mean, dear friend, I don't even know the meaning of the phrase, hehee.")

-and they can hole up in a bar or a hotel room or something, and get completely shitcanned. Tell him all about Firefly, tell him everything, and he'll tell Caelus about April and everyone else he's ever lost. Sampo will carry Caelus' memories of Firefly with him, and at least this way, Caelus will be a little less alone in remembering her. And the next time they cross paths, Sampo will be the one to bring her up, and to tell her stories, and Caelus can get to be the one listening. He won't have to be the only person to talk about her anymore.

Caelus rolls his eyes when Sampo avoids another remark about sticky fingers, but...ok, yeah. That sounds good. Nice, even. Thank you. Caelus bumps his shoulder against Sampo's. Sampo bumps back.

(They find each other again the next day, and true to their word, get themselves completely and utterly shitcanned. Caelus talks more than Sampo has ever heard him; every minute detail, every word choice, Firefly's every odd little mannerism and habit. Because Caelus wants to make sure this will outlive him, that even if the Stellaron dwelling within him finally burns him to a crisp and he really does up and kick the bucket, or even, godforbid, if he forgets, he wants to make sure someone remembers her. She deserved that.)

((And it takes quite a while, after that. Caelus doesn't see Sampo again until after everything has settled down. On his last day in Penacony, he finds the guy slinking out of a seedy back alley and all but runs right into him. Sampo happily leads him to some dive bar in an even seedier back alley that Caelus has never even heard of, and Sampo raises his glass. "To Firefly! Who sounds like she probably would have hated me at first, but I would have liked to have met her anyway."

And Caelus stares at him, almost looking startled, long enough that Sampo worries that he's read him wrong and brought this up too soon. He's halfway into planning how to talk himself out of this situation when Caelus finally throws back his head back and laughs, tells him that yeah, Firefly would have politely called him out on every lie he told, and all their conversations would take twice as long with the way Sampo is so full of shit.

And he can see it, the same way he watches and sees through everyone, that Caelus' eyes have a tightness to them, his knuckles are nearly white around the handle of his mug. But he smiles. He hits his glass against Sampo's far too hard and throws it back and gets foam everywhere like he does every time they drink because the guy's about as elegant as a raging bull, but those things don't lessen the genuineness of his smile.

The grief is there, but so is the elation, and those emotions aren't a sliding scale between one or the other. It is all of both and both at once, and that's what contents Sampo enough to throw his own mug back when Caelus makes a toast of his own, "to April!!".))

#caelus #sampo koski #hsr caelus #hsr sampo #sampo & caelus #sampril #honkai star rail #hsr #my fics #me a few days ago: my favorite silly little guys uwu #me today: ANGST #honestly I feel like this isn't even a super strong angst though #it's more just. bittersweet? melancholic? something.#I JUST. REALLY LOVE STORIES ABOUT THE NATURE OF GRIEF #and 2.0 laid the groundwork for that beautifully woohoo #I just remembered this probably isn't common knowledge oops but April is the cute red haired girl in Funny Bone #her name was revealed by the creators on twitter. she's named April like April Fools!#anyway I ship it hardcore now thanks bucket boi & studio #but anyway yes I love and adore the loneliness of the trailblazer's loss and grief after 2.0 #because we know from Sunday that Firefly is “spiritually dead” but the trailblazer wouldn't have that knowledge #and they wouldn't know her identity or about any of her connections to other people #and I love that juxtaposed against Sampo and the possible strange nature of his own grief-#-given how the Masked Fools operate and how they see Elation in everything and everywhere #Sampo is no saint- like at all lol- but I do like him and Caelus getting along and being bros #and I don't think it would be terribly ooc for him to care about someone he sees as a genuine friend #he maybe rarely considers someone a genuine friend. but still dmxjjdjdk #listening to Sam's boss theme as I tag this... have been listening to it a lot ever since I finished 2.0 tbh #it's probably what inspired a lot of this haha #because it does sound strong and intimidating and imposing #but you can hear it

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