#NNAutobiography

[importantchildgardener]

Chapter 6 - Of water

I managed to buy a house with the money I made, not a legal house like a normal person, but a legally-gray house, that is, the house is owned by the person that has lived in the house but the terrain is not the person's. The gov does not care much about this sort of situation so it's possible to live in one of these for quite a long time. I didn't made enough money to buy a real house, I didn't even make one tenth of the money needed for a real house, but at least with this little home, I didn't had to pay rent.

Maybe the house has a lot of things to repair and a lot of walls to paint, but it's a nice house, and the plan was simple, just save-up some money to fix all the issues the houes has. So, I was planning to move with my boyfriend but…The duty called. Two months I spent guarding some jail in the middle of nowhere, thankfuly no one robbed the house…But there was a flood, in the city. That flood changed my view of the army as a whole.

I had spent two months guarding that jail, and for 3 weeks the water of the flood just sat in the house, and it soaked all of my belongings in water, poop, mud and who knows what else. It sat for so long in the house that there was moss growing int some wall. I stared at the scene, in silence.

I silently picked up a bucket, started shoving water out. When the water level was low enough, started collecting it with a towel and filling the bucket up, then just mopped the floor. Finally I sat on the bed and ate some cooked meat I brought from the batallion, and I looked around the house. The air was heavy and humid, my belongings were soaked, every single little treasure I had collected over the years, and any electronics were destroyed.

I collected everything and cleant up whatever I could clean up and was savageable. A lot of things had to be thrown out. The flood, and the fact that I spent most of my time in the military rather than living my own life, and the fact that studying wasn't going to be as easy whilst working as I thought it would be made me make a harsh decision.

I left the military, the only life I knew up until that point, I Left it all behind. I left with the hopes of getting a new job, any job, even if it was just mcdonalds, but a job that respects my time, a job that lets me go back home every day to my boyfriend and my house, a job that lets me live.

But things were harder than I expected…

Fun facts:

-I always liked photography, one of the things I lost in the flood was a very expensive(for me) camera, it was a thousand dollars, that kind of money wasn't easy for me to save-up. -I skipped a lot of important life events for the military, leaving it was a huge decision I couldn't have taken without the support from my boyfriend. -Coming out to my mother and society in general was devastatingly hard thanks to my previous issues and traumas, but I managed! -Thanks to some faulty water heater I almost die last year, this whole autobiography was close to not being written.

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THis is where we're at right now. I might post more once life develops a bit more, enough for another chapter at least.

#tw self destructive behavior #tw dark content #autobiography #NNAutobiography

[importantchildgardener]

Chapter 5 - Of soldier boy

So, as the time went on eventually the military did call me, and I traveled to the capital and I spent one week doing tests. I failed the psychological test, I failed the physical fitness test, an officer called me 'a repressed whore' behind my back, but at least I made a few friends there. I don't know what came to me, but I started talking to everyone there and actually sort of made friends with them guys and girls, to the point I was sort of 'a name' between them, they all knew me.

Maybe it was thanks to this that, when I was sent back to my parents house, a friend told me I could try in the batallion besides that one. I didn't even know that thing I was trying to get into was a military school, so I Applied for the batallion, in a weeks time they accepted me.

I arrived at the batallion at night, I remember, oh boy, how to forget that night. I was scared and unsure of things, unsure of where my life was going, I was feeling like I had failed at everything and had lost control of everything and I was kind of scared someone in there would abuse me, cause one of the things my dad used to always tell me is that he and my mom forgave me every time I did something wrong cause they were my parents and they were patient with me, but if I did something wrong in the real world, people would verbally abuse me and be bad to me. I was really affraid of doing something wrong.

But it was quite easy, some sergeant called a soldier to take me to the company, they gave me a locker to store my stuff and a bed to sleep in in the barracks. And well, I stored my things on my locker and went to bed wearing black shorts and some T-shirt, and I stared at the ceiling and sighed. I didn't know what was to become of my life, I was uncertain, nervous, full of trauma, scared and anxious, but well, at least I was alive and life was going somewhere.

I always had an habit of putting a pillow over my head to sleep, sort of to stop any light from reaching my eyes while sleeping on my back, so I put a pillow over my eyes and both my arms over said pillow. 5 minutes later some soldier guy came to me, tapped me on the shoulder and told me not to do that, I think he thought I was trying to kill myself. I got really unstable and startled, but I just sort of silently noded in the darkness and cried myself to sleep silently.

The next day was pretty uneventful, I woke up and awkwardly tried to do things, didnt know where to stand, didnt say much to anyone, didn't know what to say, didn't talk to anyone, spent most of my time on my phone in the waiting room sitting all weird on the chair. Some guy came-in to the room and asked me if I sitted like that back in my home. And honestly I told him 'yeah, I do', he just told me 'Well this ain't your home so sit right' I felt pretty violated but I sitted right from that point onwards.

Time sort of went-by and turns out I made for a good soldier. I would brush-off pain like it was nothing cause I was used to worse pains I was smart and good with computers from all of those lonely years I was good at staying up late and being lone for a lot of time I did things right even when other people wanted to slack off, because i was affraid of consequences I obeyed without question every order, because my will had been broken by my stepdad a long time ago I was brave, I never had an ounce of fear, because I honestly didn't care if I lived or died And I didn't care if I had to spend 1 day or 2 months working, because I had nowhere to go and nothing important to do.

I spent two years living in the batallion, I absolutely hated having to share every space, even the showers with other men, only private place I had was the bathroom, every other space was shared with other dudes. My anxiety and my problems were at edge every single day thanks to this, I spent those two years quite nervous all the time, I would leave to hang out with my friends from the capital as much as I physically could these two years.

At the end of the second year I was getting a bit desperate, I learnt a lot about being a man, the military taught me how to talk to people better, how to be more social and stuff like that, but they were also on my nerves in regard to my social anxiety. I felt like my life was going nowhere, I was not studying and I had no room for myself, all my belongings where in a tiny locker and it was just terrible.

So i volunteered to go on a tour of duty overseas, I didn't care if I lived or died, I needed money cause I wanted a place for myself and I was willing to do anything it took for me to have a room for myself. They accepted, I was a good soldier, so they sent me on the tour of duty.

A lot happened that year, but I rather not talk too much about details, it was more or less a calm year at least and now I had spent three years in the military. Before coming back to the country, I had some free days I could spend anywhere in the world, using some of the money I had gathered from the tour. One of my friends from the country always had the dream of visiting japan, I didn't really care much about japan but as a thanks for all the years being my friend every summer and for the sake of old times, I invited him to go to japan with me.

He didn't get the money. Matter of fact he wasn't able to save-up a single cent for the travel expenses. At first I was reluctant, but ultimately my generosity won, I Paid for all expenses, after all it was thanks to him and my other capital friend that I was alive. We spent a fun 18 days in japan, I Don't exactly know hwat happened, maybe someone stole my card information but…

When all the travel and fun was over and I was back on my country, I had only 3,000 dollars left on my account. I had felt depressed before, but I never felt as bad as that time, I felt like I was going to die. I was on vacation for a month and a half before the military year started so I bought some booze and got myself into a cheap hotel and I drank booze crying in the shower under hot water. I felt like a total failure, I felt terrible, horrible just, I can't even put it into words.

But one thing was for certain, I spent that whole year in fucking hell and I wasn't going back to the batallion, I spend a whole year there so I wouldn't have to go back to the batallion and I wasn't going to do it, I wasn't going to live on the batallion anymore. And so, I rented the cheapest room in a hospedaje. It was a very small room and I had to climb some very thin stairs to reach it, it had terrible access and no windows pointing outside, like, the room was so small the desk I bought for my computer occupied all of the horizontal space wall to wall, and the bed I had was in the middle of the room besides the wardobe. They didnt even allow visitors.

But I was excstasic! Finally I had a room for myself! And I could have things, I had so much space for myself and I could have posters and stuff and I Could put perfume up and I had a desk for my computer!! And so many things, I was so happy!

And I felt so happy, I worked for another year and a half until I got a soldier wanting to half/half the rent on some house, and I got myself a bigger room, and I was quite happy like sure I had to divide a 3 room house with another dude but now I could have guests at my house and my room was bigger, and since dividing the rent was cheaper, i could have some money for myself after paying the bills! Life was going great

But I realized, I wanted more. Sure life was going great but I knew I could do better, so i volunteered for another tour of duty, I was going to save all of the money this time and with that money I was going to buy myself a very very cheap house somewhere so I could live by myself, alone, without having to split rent with someone else at some small house, I would have a whole small house for myself, or maybe build a small house for myself!

And it was around this time that I met my lovely. This lovely boy that to this day is by my side and I plan to marry one day. By the time we spent dating, I realized It would be impossible for us to live together if I didn't make enough money to buy a house, we just didn't make enough money to afford rent by ourselves. So I was 1000% decided, I was going to save every penny on this tour of duty so me and my boyfriend would be able to live together, happy at last!

And they, again, accepted, they sent me on a tour of duty, this time to a real warzone. And it was bad, it wasn't a particularly bad year apparently but, it was bad as I lost so much, for the first time. I had left my comfortable life, and my newfound boyfriend, and everything for this dream. And it hurt a lot. And the tour was a lot worse than the previous one when it came to pressure, it was a real warzone this time, and sometimes I would wake up to the sounds far away and wonder if maybe I was going to die there.

When I came back, I was starting my fiftth year in the military, after all those years, after winning actual medals for my performance in the military, I was a lot different from the small anxious boy that didn't know how to talk and cried about anything. Now I knew how to talk, how to defend myself, how to be social and how to be a good person in general, and I understood life better. I was 25 at this point, and now I was a full-grown adult.

All of these years, I spent pursuing happiness, pursuing a better life, and now that I was back and I had money, now it was time to buy some legally-gray house so I could settle down and study, study formally in an actual institution so I could get a diploma, and a better job, and live happily with my future husband.

I had read many books, and I studied and researched many topics over all of these years in the military, but I never actually finished high school nor pursued any higher education, so naturally this would be the next step to ensure myself a chance for a better life, an actually comfortable life.

But all went south, quite fast.

Fun facts: -I had to cut my hair to join the military, this was quite painful for me as my hair was like a symbol of freedom and personal expression for me. Started growing it at 16, forced to cut it at 19. -I actually dropped high school, at 18 I still had one more year to go through, but I was so desperate to leave, I didn't finish it, I just left -I actually learnt to program in delphi7 by myself, object pascal, maybe if I Learnt java instead my life could have been better -The pay was never good, so i had no place to live but the batallion because rent was almost double my salary, that's why I had to spend two years using the batallion as my house. -In my second tour of duty, covid hit us and I was one of the 3 persons that didn't catch it. Me and the other 2 soldiers had to take care of the whole batallion -I spent more christmas with other soldiers than with anyone else. I spent a single christmas all alone eating chicken in a friends house I was taking care of

#tw self destructive behavior #tw dark content #autobiography #NNAutobiography

[importantchildgardener]

Chapter 4 - Of freedom

Eventually the years passed, with their ups and downs with their fun times in summer and their depressing times every other day of the year. But regardless, I was finally almost 18 years old. I don't remember if it was the night after i went 18 or the night before when I was 17, but I Remember my dad breaking into my room, naked, with a boner. He tore down the posters from my walls and peed on my desk, and left. I thought he was going to rape me. I cleaned up the pee, threw away my posters and cried all night, swearing to myself I would leave as soon as I could the next day.

Where was I going to leave? Well, I met my first boyfriend, a trans boy named H on the internet back then, and he was willing to accept me into his home, I was barely 18 and he was 25, but I loved him a lot, take that as you will. We were in an open relationship though, because of this to date him I also had to date another guy named A whose age I Don't even remember right now, not a lot older nor younger than H. I didn't take A as my boyfreind but I never said anything about it in fear to be rejected.

So, unexpectedly my stepdad was willing to pay for my bus ticket so I could GTFO, that was kind of cool. H wanted to sew plushies and mom had an old sewing machine in the garage that didn't even work. So I went on and stole it, packed it in-between my things and took it with me. It was a 3 day trip on bus, don't remember eating anything for those three days, I think I just slept a lot, maybe eat a sandwich or two, didn't have much money with me.

Eventually I arrived at H's city, at night. We went to his house, his mother lived with him and he lived with a common friend of us two and there was also this other dude that he was dating and like, it was a house with 3 ambiences and a bathroom, and the kitchen was one of the ambiences…Yeah it was kind of bad. H didn't work either, he was studying and his mom was an alcoholic that sometimes stole money to drink, so we sort of depended on the money from this dude 'I' and H were dating and our common friend, and some money my parents would send me to eat and all that. I was really really happy, this was awesome, I had a boyfriend, I had a friend, I had another boyfriend that I didn't mind much about, I could go out and look for a job, they knew me and understood me! I was so happy and excited, like, so so happy, every day was like a dream, even though I had no job and I spend a lot of time looking for a job, this was awesome!

But well, things didn't quite work out. I didn't manage to find a job, A cut-off with H and didn't even care much to tell me he cut off with me cause well honestly we both knew we didn't had anything between us. And well, H got tired of me being an immature 18, almost 19 years old and told me he saw me more as a 'brother' than anything else. And well, I got angry at all of this, I remember saying something about joining the military back in my home country (it's kind of funny but all of these years I Never actually got to be a legal citizen of my fathers country, I never got an actual ID, just a work permit and a foreigner ID), so I spoke about joining the military in my country to get money to send to H.

And I left back to my parents house, at 19 year old, and I applied for the military in my country. At first my parents were happy to have me back for some reason, I honestly felt weird about all that, I felt weird about being back there and all but well whatever.

I sent a fax to the military (a fax lol) and they sort of told me the tests to get-in were starting in a few months, so well, it was waiting time. I think I Lasted 2 months there before I started to notice my dad was drinking more and he just looked more stressed every day. I felt like I was siting on a ticking timebomb, I don't remember if he abused me much in this time, but I Remember overhearing him talking to my mom whilst I was in my room, he was saying hurtful things and I was crying again.

#tw self destructive behavior #tw dark content #autobiography #NNAutobiography

[importantchildgardener]

Chapter 3 - Of teenage years

Eventually as time went on, I grew up to be a teenager, and all of this time I was stealing money from my grandparents and my mother. What started as coins and small bills turned into medium bills as I grew older. I'm surprised I spent years doing this without anyone doing anything about it.

By the time I was around 11 to 13, it was the time when the hunger started happening. All my stealing had lead us to have some monetary issues. A lot of nights I would just go to sleep hungry, or drink watery sugar to combat the hunger, I remember I learnt to shallow air so my stomach would stop hurting for a while some nights.

My grandfather didn't really worry much about the state of food, I don't know if he would just buy expired food or what, but I was frequently sick, I would eat something and at some point in the night my liver would go insane and I would end up in the sofa, in pain. The hunger and this sort of situation just made me steal more, maybe I didn't see my mother much and there was not a lot of food for me to eat at home, but stealing some money I could buy food to eat. I remember once or twice I felt it was justified for me to steal, because 'they didn't love me anyways', that's what I felt back then.

Even though my grandmother and my mother didn't really give me that much love, my grandfather really loved me. He would give me all the love and attention the rest of my family didn't give me, in a way my grandfather and my dog chiquita were like my parents. I also had 16 cats at this point, and my grandmother was entering depression so she didn't clean the house much, things started getting dirty, really dirty.

You know, my mother never taught me to clean my genitals, nor did she ever taught me to make an habit of cleaning my teeth, somehow I ended up learing all of that by myself as the years went by.

At some point my grandparents house started smelling bad, really bad, I remember this because I Used to play videogames on a NES knockoff console when I was very young, with a friend, but at this point in my life my friends didnt want to come in cause the house 'smelled weird' My mother was dating my stepfather around this time, he gifted me a tiny radio I have to this day for christmas. I Don't know exactly when but at some point now when he was visiting he found a dead cat under the sofa, I guess that's just part of all the bad stuff that was happening at that house.

At first I really liked my stepfather, he bringed pizza to the house, I never had eaten something so tasty, it was my first time eating pizza and all and I grew up to love whenever he visited.

Eventually me and my mother started visiting his house, it was mostly on weekends. He was from another country but we lived in the frontier, so we could just visit his country and his house with a very short travel in car. It was nice I guess, I used to watch a lot of cartoons and also eat, I Really liked eating. I didn't eat meat though, All the meat I had eaten to that point was either hotdog meat or chicken thigh, I never ate any other kind of meat. He sort of forced me to eat meat, like sausage and other kinds of meat, I remember at first I didn't like it but eventually I started to not mind. My jaw used to hurt from eating it though, I wasn't used to eat things that were that tought.

I remember at some point we started spending a lot of time on his house, eventually we sort of moved with him. There wasn't any pizza any more and I had to walk 3 or 4 kilometers to school every day, but it was alright, we had food and that was nice, we had a PC at home too, with win98 and all, before that I had only ever used a PC with win95, and maybe winXP back at the cybercafe.

It was at this time that I started torturing cockroaches, I used to torture cockroaches in a lot of ways using toothpicks, I used to 'rape' them with the toothpicks and behead them and tear their limbs off, I don't know why I did all that. I was allowed to visit my grandparents too, and I did visit them a lot, I would walk a few kilometers to their house to see them and hang out with my friends… and steal money because at that point it was a habit. I'm really sorry for all I did.

Every year I stole more and more but especially on summer, on summer I would steal large quantities of money, almost all of their money because at summer my friends from the capital would come, I had two friends from the capital, those were some of the most fun times of my life, when they visited and we got to spend the summer together playing and filming sketches and going to the cyber and talking about anime…

Especially because at some point, I started going to my grandparents house only on weekends, because it was a bit of a problem, I would always come back late at night, around 9 or 10 in the night and I was just like 13 to 15 at the time. So I started being allowed only at weekends and I started to lose my normal friendships. Eventually I was alone, a quiet kid in school who got bullied and didnt do much to fight back, with no friends in school and no friends back at home, I would spend a lot of time watching television, playing by myself in the patio, on the computer and that sort of thing. I had actually one friend I visited back when I went once per week, I never saw him again once I finished school and started high school, that's when I truly started spending most of the year alone.

I think I was around 13 or 14 at the time when I started high school, my stepdad wanted me to move to his country and learn the language, so I did, the antisocial me that spent most of his time alone, with a ton of unaddressed problems and all my issues. I was extremely quiet at highschool. I didn't know the language that well yet, I didn't know anyone, it was a new culture, people were scary, I was scared. I was totally a big target for all sorts of bullying, for all sorts of things.

These were the most depressing times of my life. I was being bullied, I was still getting no love from my mother nor my stepdad really, I had literally not a single friend left because I had left them all, I barely visited my grandparents anymore and worst of all, I was a teenager now, fully hormonated 13 or 14 years old.

Somehow I made some 'friends' with the otakus cause I enjoyed watching anime. There was this sweet girl, oh so sweet, I thank her so much for all she did for me, G. She was my lifeline, she was my true friend, didn't care that I was ugly or unwashed or whatever didn't even care I was fruity or depressed. She was my friend back then, we would hang out at school and she didn't judge me nor anything of sorts, and I can barely express my thanks for that. Even my otaku 'friends' made fun of me and deemed me as some sort of second class 'friend', but her, that lovely girl she was honest on her feelings. She was my first and only friend back then, she made me happy for a year and a half or so, until one of my otaku 'friends' suspected she had feelings for me or something like that. And so they made a trap in which they convinced her to date him, and manipulated me into confessing to her through text, and basically fucked up our friendship. What a horrible bunch they were.

I think it was around this time that we moved to a new house, it was also around this time when I started hurting myself and also stealing from my stepfather, the memories of these years are a bit fuzzy because the only momments when I felt alive were at summer, so it feels like it was all a single year. Everything else is memories from high school or spending an unholy amount of time on the computer every day. I had no life for a few years.

First time I stole from my stepdad, first summer, he quickly found out. I bought a lot of pyrotechnia with his money, he got very mad, didn't hit me, but the abuse started here. He would drink, he would drink a lot, man I start to feel like i'm the bad apple that just putrifies everything around it. He developed a real drinking problem, he had sort of a drinking problem but he developed a more real one after that, even going as far as drunk driving.

But the drunk driving wasn't the worst part, the worst part was how he had this habit of sitting me on the table whilst my mom read on the computer and just verbally and emotionally abuse me, and this went-on for years. He would not insult me, it's kind of laughable to think of it just as insults, maybe he did throw an insult or two but those were not the things that hurt me. THe things that hurt me were everything else he would say. I Can't even recall what those things were, I Can only recall a single memory, of him saying I was looking at him with a face of rage, whilst I was crying, and I Remember how he bought a revolver and how he told me and he told my mother he would just shoot me if I were to try and take on him. I never, a single time felt like hitting him, nor felt enraged. Every night, every time, I would just cry and feel devastated over everything he said. I would just cry and feel guilty. I cried a lot, some nights I cried myself to sleep, some nights I gazed outside at the stars and the moon in the darkness, and I would wish I was dead, sometimes I would look down and wonder, if i jump just right, maybe if I Landed on my head I could kill myself.

My room was on a second floor, so I wasn't sure I would die, even if i landed in my head. I just wanted to be loved at this point, so I did my best to be a good boy, I tried doing things right like obeying orders and not disrespecting my parents and tried to get good grades, I got to be the best on the class at some point. I didn't get a nugget of love for any of this, nor a nugget of nothing really. I started to develop some serious problems, I would hurt myself badly, sexually, I would start to forget things and develop some serious depression and social anxiety, it was around this time I had my first panic attack.

I never went to the psichologist though, nor the hospital, not even when I almost cut a finger off by accident. Not even the dentist. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I had good grades but I commited the sin of stealing from my stepdad, so he kept on abusing me. I Remember one of the things he told me is how he could just send me to a reformatory, abandon me basically. Thanks, stepdad.

My desperation grew so bad at some point I started to wish I had been born a girl, that way at least someone would love me. I had multiple boyfriends online, for a while I was an E-slut. NEver sent a single photo, but I would erp all the time, what a bunch of weirdos honestly, I was a teenager back then, around 14 to 16.

Escapism became my main problem at around this age, I would spend all the time I Could playing WoW on a pirate server, and TF2 on steam, sometimes I would skip class to play C.S. 1.6 at the cybercafe with people from school, I developed some 'friendships' thanks to this at least, so I didn't fully depend on summer or online friends.

I caught my stepdad reading incest comics one time. I caught my stepdad complaining to my mother about how his dick was smaller than mine one time, he told her 'at least mine is thicker, right?' My stepdad would comment on how I slept naked in summer, and how my dick was hard when I slept, hard as a pole or something… My stepdad would fuck my mother loudly in their room, he knew I was downstairs. I would play music really loudly on my headphones and play some games and for the love of god try to ignore that. I kind of wnat to die when I Remember it all.

At 16 I decided to not cut my hair anymore, I also decided as soon as i was 18 I would leave, forever, no questions asked, nothing, just leave. These were the most painful times of my life, and I am 26 in about an hour.

I must thank my little pony friendship is magic and the amazing friends I met on a pony forum for carrying me through these years. The abuse just kept going, but my heart was guarded by cute ponies, getting lost on the magical world of equestria let me have a break from my life. But only for as long as I could watch it and think about it…Whenever my dad was being abusive, and those horrible nights after the abuse I could only stare at the stars, and plead to Princess Luna that I would not suffer anymore. And I would tell myself, just a few years, just a few years and i'd be free. Just a few years and i'd have control over my own life, just a few years and I'd be able to change my own life for the better.

As a footnote here, before my little pony, Lucky star really helped me out a lot, I think my desire to become a girl so I could be loved and have a nice life came out of association from watching Lucky star back then. I was totally putting myself in the place of konata, just being a happy girl or boy or whatever with friends and a nice family.

Curious facts: -I was both into anime and furries back then -Chiquita, my dear mom-dog moved with us at some point when i was a teenager, she lived with us till she grew older and she got cancer. My dad called a vet to put her down, he wanted me to hold her while the vet injected her with the deadly vaccine. I was crying so hard I Couldn't do it, I got mentally broken, I ran away crying and went into my room and cried for the rest of the day till my head hurt and I felt asleep. I think I woke up at night and started crying again until I passed out. -I went into a few lan parties at this age, all of them in summer obviously, my circle of summer friends grew a lot, most of my friends today are from that era since I got a lot of issues and i cant make friends easily/grow detached too easy -First time I went into 4chan was around when I was 12, barely knew english, this is when I started my first reaction pic folder -I always wanted to draw well and be a nice artist, I showed some drawings to my mother but she didn't care too much. -I Really liked neopets back then, it was in neopets that I met a very nice girl I Talk to this day with, she's K and she's my best girl friend -When I was around 17 my stepdad accused me of smoking weed and threatened to throw me out and wanted me to get a test, even though I didn't smoke weed, nor cigars, nor anything for that matter.

#child abuse #teenagers #self h@te #selfharm #tw self destructive behavior #cw #depressing stuff #tw depression #tw sex talk #i dont know what to tag #autobiography #NNAutobiography

[importantchildgardener]

Chapter 2 - Of the early signs

And so I was a happy kid, or so I thought, honestly at that age you can't even tell you are depressed. But the signs can tell you something is wrong with your kid. I was a very social kid, I remember making friends and playing with the other kids at school and also apparently I used to play with other toddlers when I was really small, but there was something else I did, I used to steal coins from my mother's purse to buy candy.

Now, it's just some coins one might say, but I never really asked for coins, ever. I really just went-on and stole them, to buy candy, I was barely 8 years old back then. Eventually I was stealing bills, just one bill of the smallest unit, but even then that should have been a bit worrying. Since my mother was barely home, no one really noticed I guess.

I remember in school, I used to play a ton with my imagination, quite the escapist I was. Whilst the teacher said things I would pretend I was petting an imaginary tiger I had under my desk. I Really liked felines, after all I had started collecting cats, I think by then I had 2 cats and my dog, Chiquita. Chiquita was a border collie, whenever I was sad she would try to defend me so no one could touch me, funny enough whenever I was sad i would curl on her and cry on her and complain to her that no one loved me. She was tied on the garden most of the time, poor chiquita never had a real chance to live the life of a happy dog, I don't think my grandpa was very good at raising animals, not in a respectful way.

One of my major traumas from school time was this one time I was dancing on the floor at Physical Education, we were supposed to make a line to do some silly acrobatic thing like doing a flip on some mattress-y floor, but that was boring for me so I started 'breakdancing' on the floor imagining myself as a robot cat humanoid dancing away without a care. I got back in line, and I was behind some girl, I didn't even care I was now behind a girl, I remember she was taller than me, I found her weird cause she was taller.

I Remember she suddenly looked back and told the teacher I had touched her butt, I don't really know why, I wasn't even thinking about her butt back then, I didn't even understand why would I do that or why it was a problem, but I got scared, because of the violent reaction from everyone around. I can't remember much after that, I can only remember being in the principal's office, with the principal, my mother, my adoptive father and some counselor, they were all asking why I touched her butt, I was crying the whole time. I kept saying I didn't but no one believed me, don't remember what happened afterwards but I don't think I ever complied to their narrative.

I remember maybe years later I had a blade, a box cutter blade, and i started slashing my clothes with it, kinda surprised about how hard it was, this was also back in school. So, I remember my mother got very mad when I was home, I mean, she just asked me who had slashed my clothes and I kept telling her I didn't know. Next day we went to school together and I blamed some guy that was a bully in the class, they took him away, maybe to a reformatory or something, I never saw him again, I never thought much about it. I wonder if I accidentally ruined that poor guys life. I wonder if he even remembers, I was just too scared my mom would get mad at me, I was scared of whatever that could happen.

At some point in a birthday I won a bicycle, I Remember loving it, it was a red BMX and it had the words TNT written on it, I would ride it everywhere, quite dangerously though as I would race on the streets with the old bike, nothing ever happened because the small town had a ton of streets that weren't usually busy. I was only almost hit by a car like twice back then, one time I also almost broke my hand and one time I fell really hard and it was bad but i didnt broke anything.

I recall now of a time where I invented a game called 'car, life' it was a simple game, we went to the busiest street we could find in the small town and waited for cars to pass. Whenever a car was coming, we would wait for it to come very close and then just dash through the street. Man, even then I was suicidal. I think I played that game two or three days with a friend before our parents found out and we couldn't play that anymore. Ah, at the time that was my best friend, you know, I never had a fight with him nor nothing, but one day I just stopped going to his house, I just stopped hanging with him, he called my house and asked why I suddenly left, I didn't say anything. This was after a few years of friendship too, maybe one or two years. I guess I just grew detached. That habit of leaving someone I love is something I, to this day do. Nowadays I try not to.

Ah, I just recalled, when I was really young and exploring my body, i used to stick a finger up my butt and feel around, doing that sort of thing became a guilty pleasure of mine when very young, at the time I didn't even know what masturbation was. I mean, no one taught me either, I really had no talk about sex with my mother. At some point I remember eating a peck of poop from the toilet. It tasted terrible but I shallowed it, I Don't even know why. I don't think that was a sign of me growing up alright either.

#negligence #child abuse #trauma #autobiography #NNAutobiography #disgusting #cw:grimmdark

[importantchildgardener]

Chapter 1 - Of before my mother.

I don't know all of the details, so I can't tell the whole story. But I know enough of the story to know it is a horrifying one.

Back then, it was common for underage girls to work at rich people's homes, it was probably back in 1950 or 1960, I don't know much about uruguay back then, but this story starts with my grandma, my biological grandma, she was 13 at the time and she worked in this man's house, V; I don't know much about V, I never knew and I Doubt I'll ever will.

She was raped by V, she got pregnant. V was a man of money, he had to maintain some appearances so he went on and tried aborting my mother. My mother says they tried with mercury injections or something like that, five injections, somehow she was born anyways, a healthy child, this was a big problem for V. And so, enter my granfather, my adoptive grandfather, i'm pretty sure he was in the military but I'm just assuming, I don't know much about his past besides the fact that he used to live in the pampa.

My grandfather made some kind of deal with V, and he and my grandmother adopted my mother, again I'm unsure about the details, but from what my mother did tell me, they were planning (and raising) her to be some sort of maid for them. I don't know much about how my mother's childhood was, but I remember I did found some 'cards' maybe a diary from when my mother was very young. The cards she had wrotten were very sad, she was undobutly depressed back then. I know she at some point enjoyed art, drawing, I don't know what ever happened to that or if that was ever a dream of her, to produce art. Regardless, she ended up studying spanish language to become a spanish professor. She is a goth, and she enjoys reading.

At some point in her life, whilst stduying back in the capital she met my father, G, it is probable that he frequented the church or was christian or something like that, because I Remember my mother telling me she used to go to the church to meet new people, times were different.

Eventually she became pregnant of me, she was 25 years old at the time. She had a terrible time, she was anxious and just not happy about it, she had me anyways, apparently the first thing my grandma said when I was born was 'look, Diego(my grandpa), he's very white'. My grandma was quite racist, but regardless, this leads me to believe my grandparents never met my father, or maybe my father was dark skinned, who knows.

So, my mother had to move back with her parents at the small town, and she had to change her plans, get an actual job two cities over and barely be home, raising a baby in a house of two parents that didnt like her. One of my earliest memories is to be squeezed under my mothers thighs so I woulnd't make a fuss whilst she read some book, I would be in my room, she would sit in the bed, read something and just put both legs over my back, it was funny to me, I couldn't lift her legs and that was like playing for me. I have only three memories from that age, that time, the time where we went to the park at night and I played on the park toys and a time when I was helping my mom cook ramen or something like that.

I was actually happy, when I was that young, I didn't even realize I had problems.

#cw:rape #cw: child abuse #cw:grimmdark #cw: abuse #NNAutobiography #autobiography #trauma #struggles

[importantchildgardener]

Child abuse, grimmdark topics and ponies

This is an introduction to my autobiography. I Don't know if I can call it an autobiography because I'm not a profesional writer, but it is a collection of memories from my past.

This is not a roleplay nor creative writing, just to get that out of the way. I just need a place to vent, and I want to archive this somewhere in case my computer dies or something happens.

And well, it makes me feel a bit better to post it out there, for the chance someone reads about this weird life of mine and somehow it makes them feel better about themselves.

#cw: abuse #cw: vent #cw: child abuse #cw:grimmdark #autobiography #introduction #intro post #NNAutobiography