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horaynestylikinson · 7 years

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Today was a long day

My days are always so boring, and on some days life just decides to blow up a lot of things to my face, in a single day. And that’s why I can never really make a good blog post describing my day/life, because I’ll end up talking about a lot of stuff.

Like earlier this morning, I had my driving lessons. Even prior to the lessons, I felt like expressing into a blog post how I always felt apprehensive about them. The day after tomorrow is the day of my driving test, if I pass I get my license, and obviously I don’t want to experience the feeling of failing my driving test.

The problem is, failing a driving test is so common. I have 4 older siblings, and half of them failed their first test.

So I don’t know if I should feel bad about failing, or what. If I should expect failing. I’m a person not used to failing. But in this case, I have a funny feeling if I pass the first test,.

I’m really confused here. I’m really scared too. Because I keep half expecting I’ll fail, and because the overall ‘driving’ thing for me makes me think on how common it is people get involved in an accident, big or small. Especially given the fact that people behave unexpectedly on the road.

Okay that was one issue.

I also have been a little uneasy with the two instructors I’ve had before this, but today I got a different instructor, and I’m pretty pleased with this guy. I first met him during the last lesson, he was to send me home from the driving school. He had an easy-going nature, we had a conversation the ride home (conversations with the other instructors have been awkward), and today I discovered that yes, I would prefer learning with him. Because he won’t declare that I would fail every time I did a mistake, he’d just point it out and give me instructions on what to do if so and so. Yes, I still do appreciate the lectures I get from my other instructors on why I should pay attention to small details the examiner would, but it does just get on my nerves.

I don’t prefer, however, that this instructor smoked a cigarette every time he steps out of the car. And a few other details, but I’m not gonna list down everything that I like about these instructors.

I was supposed to have another lesson tomorrow, but seeing because these were extra classes, and I had to pay extra (RM40/hour for 3 hours), my dad told me to practice with my brother around the neighbourhood. The test route at the school had more traffic and wider roads, whilst my neighbourhood has narrower roads (but the cars are bloody fast) and a few inclines (a lot of speed bumps too).

I got home at 11 am, and before 12 I went out with my fam to do some shopping. I was already tired after the driving lesson, but oh well, I have been staying at home doing nothing for so many days.

Cut to the chase, at one point I thought I saw this guy that I used to like about 2 years ago. My automatic reaction was to turn away and hide my face. I braved myself to take a look at him when he’s passed, only to learn that that wasn’t him.

I was glad that my heart hadn’t leapt up to my throat, like the last few times i saw him.

Guess what? A few hours later, we moved to the mall next door, and while the rest of the fam went to perform prayers, me and my sis went to a shoe store.

The guy was there. Yes.

My eyes didn’t have to take 2 seconds to know it was him. Well, the whole time me and my sis was there, I completely pretended that I didn’t see him; though I knew we were going to come back to the store later, with the whole family. So when the rest of the fam had come, we went to buy clothes and to buy some stuff from the pharmacy.

And when we got back to the shoe store, I made the first move, of making eye contact, of making that face where I pretended ‘waiitt,, I know you....’ (literally, with a forefinger held in mid air and squint my eyes).

Let me do a quick background story.

I had an eye on the boy when I was 12, the first few weeks of secondary school. But I learnt he had a girlfriend, so I told myself to back off. Near the end of the second year, I helped him find some books, and he said my name, and I was like ‘oh, crap, I do have feelings for him’. I saw that his facebook status was single, so I let myself observe him.

Fast forward middle of the third year, I had a really bad crush on him, and during September/October I initiated contact with him on ask.fm. It’s a site where you ask people questions, you can do it anonymously or with an account. Long story short, he found out who I was, (worst feeling ever) but the next day he didn’t seem interested in talking to me irl. I was SOOOOOOOOO devastated. SOOOOOO devastated. Why? Because I was (am) such a shy person. I was not pretty (still am, but I’ve accepted myself for who I am and idc how I look like)

Then I picked up very subtle signs that he had a thing with my friend’s friend (who, on the fourth year, became my classmate). That was the very worst day I’ve ever had that I can remember, also, I overdosed on something on that day that made me kinda sure I was going to die that evening. But I didn’t. And on the fourth year, I learnt that he had a girlfriend (someone not from our school), which left me confused, because i thought my classmate was his girlfriend?

Apparently my classmate was confused too, but I never asked anyone about it, and I decided I don’t like him anymore (it wasn’t as easy as how I’m making it sound, obviously).

A very short period after I decided to see myself as superior to him (I don’t remember if the very next day, or the week after that), I actually talked to the guy.

Okay let’s get back to what happened today. So after I acknowledged his presence (and I gestured that he and my younger bro both have the same names), I still purposely not-look-at-him that much. Yeah, I asked him about the shoe sizes and asked him for this size that size whatever and when I was being goofy trying them out in front of my parents he kept glancing over at me and -was he smiling?-.

Oh, I forgot to share the tale of when I discovered his girlfriend’s ig (his was privated, but my reaction’s still pretty much the same when he approved my follow request) and I was, how do I describe this,...

You really like a guy. And you really look up to him. He has a lot of qualities you like, I mean, he’s so similar to how you’d want your son to grow up to be. (p,s: currently, I’m hoping I won’t fall in love and get married and start a family) And you discover that his girlfriend is one of those selfie+duckface types, doing oozywoozymybfissoannoyingbutshoooocutie captions/comments, and you’re like, teary eyed, you deserve so much more than her!

I think what I need to inform you is that my heart didn’t have a panic attack. Sure, my hands trembled a bit, I was a little shook, but I’ve put him, I have strained and exhausted myself to put him behind a few years ago.

Afterall, I was in love with the guy in my head, not him.

He’s a nobody to me now. We only exchanged like, 4/5 sentences. (oh, i also need to tell you my father kinda did his ‘teach em a lesson’ to the guy because my younger bro wanted to buy socks, and father was like ‘ARE THOSE SOCKS HIS SIZE’ and the guy was like ‘erm, they’re free size’

‘YEAH BUT DO THEY FIT MY SON’S FEET’

‘yeah, we just measured it’

wait i need to interrupt

oh my god the guy of my -past- dreams was bonding with my younger brother who has the same name as him

the guy of my -previous- fantasies of my future has met my family

the guy who i want(ed) to spend the rest of my life with has seen how challenging his future (perhaps in an alternate universe) father-in-law could be

okay continue

‘THOSE SOCKS ARE MEN’S SIZE. YOU SEE?’ *wagging the socks* ‘MEN. THIS IS A BOY. A CHILD’

to be honest, that child’s feet are almost my size, but,... *does not interfere*

and when everything’s all paid, the guy freaking smiles (i wasnt looking, ehem, but, like, i have invisible eyes all over my head) and said thank you please come again in the sweetest way i know he could do to my *older* brother who did the payment.

so like, we only exchanged like 4/5 sentences each, but I couldn’t help my mind going over those empty exchanges, wishing I had said more, wishing I’d replied differently, with different words, just...

okay wait to finish everything off, i was so beat when we got home, but my father made me practice my driving, and it’s 11.16pm right now.

i made the title today was a really long day because i woke up at 6.30, after days of waking up at noon. my bedtime has been 2 am for almost 2 weeks now, (i just can’t sleep early). i need to get enough rest minimum until my driving test the day after tomorrow.

well, that’s all im going to share to no one on tumblr right now.

#lackadaisier #really long crappy story #text #own

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