#This is not a post to bash nurses btw.

[ccheriebomb]

People on here making snappy posts saying we are spinning the narrative around to insinuate a rape victim is the actual abuser, as if it has not already been proven that said alleged victim lied about at least the majority of the injuries she supposedly sustained and also got caught on tape saying “I did not hurt you, I did not punch you, I was hitting you. […] You’re a fucking baby. You are such a baby, grow the fuck up Johnny!”

Hear me out: use your fucking brains and get yourself some first hand information from multiple witness statements, depositions and tape recordings instead of relying on some news headlines or a 20 second soundbite.

She described Australia as a 3 days hostage situation where he slapped her, choked her, punched her, raped her with a broken (?) bottle, threw bottles at her, threw her across the room, bashed and slammed her body and her head onto surfaces repeatedly etc.

Nurse practitioner Debbie Lloyd, concierge physician Dr David Kipper, JD’s head security Jerry Judge and house manager Ben King etc. were on scene within 24 hours after JD’s finger was severed, and none of them saw any visible injuries on AH. Her own nurse Erin Boerum did not observe any injuries the day after when she saw her. (see below for edit)

Note that bruises do not fade after just one day, and most of the injuries she sustained would have been clearly visible. She said she had vaginal bleeding. She would've had fresh cuts all over her body. Bleeding cuts. Bruises all over, especially her face. It does not matter if the people there were on JD’s payroll, they were medical professionals and would have given her medical attention if they saw her bleeding and bruised.

They were literally secretly recorded by her on tape, and in terms of injuries, they only talked about finding JD’s finger tip, getting him to hospital and nothing about giving AH medical attention or any of her alleged injuries. JD had medical records for his finger injury. She had none for the injuries she would have sustained with the severity of violence she alleged she was subjected to. I mean, punches, slaps, slams, being choked and shoved against surfaces for 3 days? She’s an actress, whose appearance is extremely important for her career and livelihood. Yet, she was completely fine to just fly home to LA (with Ben King, btw who saw nothing on her) without getting any medical attention, where her own nurse saw her and also observed no injuries. Why? BECAUSE SHE HAD NO INJURIES.

Edit: Jerry Judge did say “she had scratches on her left arm which Debbie talked about. I looked at it and I’ve seen those scratches before on other people, and as far as I’m concerned, they’re self inflicted.” Ben King also corroborated on the scratches. But afaik, that’s the extent of the injuries AH sustained anyone ever talked about on tape in Australia. Let’s say the scratches on her left arm were not self inflicted, they still do not match her own testimony about her injuries in terms of sort or severity.

People do not believe her, not because she is a woman (although that is true in many many cases of abuse and assault), but because she lied. Countless times. Ridiculous lies that could be debunked easily if you just look at the evidence available. She ruined her own credibility.

Yes, rapists deserve to rot in hell. And abusers who lie about getting raped to victimise themselves need to be held accountable. But go make your uninformed higher-than-thou takes if that makes you feel better about yourself.

#the ignorance is fucking laughable #I sound like a broken record at this point BUT DO YOUR OWN FUCKING RESEARCH INSTEAD OF BLINDLY BELIEVING A TABLOID ARTICLE OR A TWEET #justice for johnny depp #anti amber heard #abuse tw #rape tw

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

What's happening in Spain

I know there's a lot going on in the world, and that there are more pressing issues, but I thought it would be of use to share what's happening in my country.

First, a bit of backstory. After the 2019 elections, the far-right political party VOX entered in the Spanish parliament, and hasn't stopped getting more and more traction since.

What this has done is legitimize and accept their hateful discourse in media and the parliament. All of the racists, homophobes, mysoginistic fascists members of the party have polarized society, creating more hate than ever and even polarizing political parties; the right-wing traditional party, PP, is getting closer and closer to VOX's ideology as time passes, and some of their members share the same values and ideas (basically, they're fascists).

Although some individual members of left-wing political parties have stood up to them in the parliament and local assemblies, as a whole they really haven't done much to stop them; and the media is even encouraging all these people to have a platform, as they are more polemic and thus, get more views.

This has created, as I have said, a escalation of hate throughout the country:

VOX targeted MENAs (Unaccompanied Migrant Minors) in their Madrid government campaign this past May (btw, the judges who were investigating the diffamatory posters they put on the metro just ruled that there's no reason to call them that and deemed them as harmless 🙃), along with generally spreading bullshit against immigrants, and last month, a 31 year old Moroccan immigrant living in Mazarrón (Murcia), Younes Bilal, was brutally murdered by a former military officer.

VOX calls the feminist movement a "lobby" and advocates for the defense of the "traditional family", and nearly every other day a case of a woman killed by gender-based reasons hits the news, as well as fucked up events like a husband who drowned himself and his two daughters after kidnaping them off the coast of Tenerife to make his ex-wife suffer.

VOX also is against same-sex marriage, has voted against every LGBT law the government has proposed, and lots of members say pretty fucking homophobic stuff on a daily basis. This last month, and especially this weekend, the violence has quickly escalated, and there have been multiple reports on hatecrimes against people for their sexuality, the last two ones being reported today (July 6th). Here's a post I made with a sign showing off all the reported attacks leading up to Samuel's death.

And now we get to Samuel. Samuel Luiz, a 24 year old nurse from A Coruña (Galicia) was beaten to death by 13 guys on July 3rd 2021. Here, here, here and here are some articles I found on the topic in English if you want to read all the story. After it made the news, an avalanche of protests protesting Samuel's death and the escalation of homphobia were set up for monday, July 5th, which was yesterday at the time I'm writing this post. Here are some pictures I've gathered from twitter :

Sources: x, x, x, x

Here's an Instagram post by a Spanish news agency with more photos

I don't know how to post videos so here's a twitter post with a video of the manifestation, and here's another one, this time in A Coruña, where Samuel was from.

As you can see, these are all pacific protests. Well, the police force went on to attack the protesters with no reason whatsoever; it was especially brutal in Madrid.

Sources: x, x

@spainonymous (a great account to follow) posted a video of the police bashing on protesters, and here you can find a thread with both pics and videos of the whole thing. Here is a video of one of the cops encouraging a fellow cop to beat some protesters.

Thankfully, people on Twitter worked fast, and during last night and today they have been tweeting out to the official account of the police force denouncing the cops that can be seen in the videos with their identification number. If you have Twitter, it would help us a lot if you can also do this, you just have to copy paste this and this tweet!

Also, if I have something wrong, feel free to correct me, and also add whatever you want, please!!

#tw: homophobia #spain #spanish news #lgbtq #typicalspanish

[sometimes-men-need-help-too]

What does modern feminism do that you don't agree with? This is genuine btw

A couple things before I start: 

- This is not meant to bash all the feminists out there unless they fit into what I’m saying. I know there are good feminists out there 

- When I say ‘you’ I’m not meaning you, I’m saying it in a general way 

-I hope I get my point across and it’s clear. I sometimes struggle with that 

Also I’m sorry this is so long and it’s in no particular order and I hope none of this comes across as being aggressive or anything

~~ 

A lot of my issues with the movement boils down to attitudes. To me, that is very telling of its true colors. And I do try not to necessarily judge an entire movement from just the bad people because I know that isn’t fair, although I do feel like the bad feminists have taken over the movement and end up drowning out the good voices and that’s why we hear more negativity than positivity. 

One thing that I have issue with the lack of respect towards those that disagree whether it’s with the movement itself or it’s a particular thing. For a movement that preaches about a woman’s choice, I don’t feel that really happens like it should. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong here but depending on what the topic is I get a general impression like you’re not really supposed to disagree with what’s being side. You do and you might have someone lash out at you (that’s another point I have). Or if you say you’re anti feminist, you have people coming up with these reasons why they think you are; one being internalized misogyny  and you get called a pick-me which I find a bit insulting.  I should be able to have an opinion without someone assuming I’m trying to get a man’s attention or I can’t think for myself or I hate other girls. That isn’t it! Wouldn’t you think that is misogynistic? 

And if it’s not  internalized misogyny, then there are other factors; her being white (which usually then goes on to sound racist)  or it’s because she has money or  internalized racism or whatever they come up with. And it sounds condescending and that just bugs me. Hey, maybe instead of some underlying reason, we just don’t agree. 

or you have people try to stick the label on anyway. 

‘If you believe in equality you’re a feminist’

The label means nothing. I don’t understand why some will focus on this so much. I don’t want to be called a feminist. I don’t need to. In the same way, it’s not necessary for me to refer to myself as an MRA (men’s rights activist). And yeah, I know this says it’s an “MRA blog” that’s what I had when I started. But ultimately, the label isn’t important. I’m all for equality. It’s cool, it’s great. But I see this sort of thing (online that is) being forced on people and the thing is, with that wording it makes it sound like the movement is all inclusive when it’s not. You have to have certain politics and for the most part (unless you’re a religious feminist) you have to be pro choice otherwise you’re not a ‘real’ feminist. 

My next issue is all the aggression. You can just tell sometimes with how people respond online or if you catch a video that someone posted. And not only that, but how quickly people fall into name-calling or just all around acting like a child. And for the most it seems pretty acceptable to some because it keeps happening. It’s not hard to find on this site or otherwise. If you can’t communicate your opinions about something without having a fit or blocking someone (excluding if they just keep harassing you) then you’re not mature enough. That shows me you don’t really care about having a real discussion. And some can say that it happening on here is probably done by teenagers and to an extent they’re probably right. But it happens on other sites and in real life as well and it’s more than just teens. It’s people my age and older and that’s not cool. 

And then we have  how some like to ignore the differences between men and women. Sure, yes, there are many things a woman can do just like a man but we also have to acknowledge our differences.  I don’t see a lot of that with some forms of feminism. STEM, for example, is something I would attribute the differences more to just how men and women tend to be rather than sexism. Could there be certain circumstances where it is sexism? Sure, I suppose you can’t rule it out entirely. Otherwise I would say it’s just what they’re happy doing. I know girls who are doing science stuff or business things but I also know girls who are going to be teachers or psychologists or nurses. It’s not that they're actively being told by everyone that they can’t do it(I suppose unless they live in some other country like that). That’s just what they want to do, you know, their choice. Just like how some men go towards a job like with computers or farming or they’re pre-school teachers or gynecologists.

 I found an interesting fact (source will be posted below) that said women are actually preferred over men two-to-one for faculty positions. The study was done by psychologists from Cornell University with professors from 371 colleges/universities in the US. It also noted that: “recent national census-type studies showing that female Ph.D.s are disproportionately less likely to apply for tenure-track positions, yet when they do they are more likely to be hired, in some science fields approaching the two-to-one ratio revealed by Williams and Ceci.” 

Yet, we need to ask ourselves honestly, how often do facts like these get passed around vs the idea that women are suffering from misogyny and therefore are unable to fully represent in STEM jobs? 

The next thing I want to address is misandry. Now there are a good portion of people who don't think it exists or if it does, it's really not much of an issue because of the "power" and the "privilege" men have within society. And to me, I have a problem with that. If feminism is supposed to be for men as well, I would think they would want to combat misandry as well as misogyny. If someone really doesn't think it exists, I would suggest that the person really take a look at what goes on in real life and online that's directed towards men.

There's the whole "male tears" thing which is on coffee mugs and t-shirts. There's the kill all men/yes all men thing. All of which are supposed to be jokes and if a man says something about it he gets mocked for his "fragile masculinity"

That's just not okay. They're being immature and a bully which they usually try to justify (men have done this and that throughout history to women) but you just can't.

I found this article, this really really atrocious article. It's one of those open letter things and found on this feminist website (feminisminindia) and I almost believed it to be satire with how.... stereotypically Tumblr it was. I did research and looked at the info regarding the site and nope, it's a serious site. I'll post the article below but I'll also summarize it:

Basically this woman is telling the men in her life that she will not stop saying "men are trash or other radical feminist opinions." She's saying it because women and others have suffered so much at the hands of the patriarchy because they're not straight white men. She goes on to say:

So let’s establish: misandry isn’t real. Just like unicorns and heterophobia, misandry is a myth because it isn’t systematic or systemic. Unlike misogyny, cis men don’t face oppression purely based on their gender. While they may encounter instances of racism, homophobia and ableism, they are not dehumanised as a function of their gender identity (read: cis privilege).

That is wrong. Absolutely wrong. Misandry is real. "Cis" people do face oppression purely based on their gender. Anyone can. To deny that lacks understanding.

And the rest is just saying that: It is time to start hating on men-as-a-whole and starting celebrating the men that you are.

And: Because at the end of the day, feminists need men. Whether it’s because you wield structural power or because we genuinely value your existence, we need to band together to destroy ‘men’ because men are trash, but you, if you made it to the end of this, are probably not. Prove me right.

I would imagine this is a common viewpoint. And it's not a good one. If you genuinely think a whole group as a whole is bad you need to reexamine your thoughts. It's not "men" that are bad, it's the sexist people.

To wrap this up (I'm sure you might be tired of reading this lol); like I said, the attitudes play a huge part of it. Modern feminism, in my opinion, is just not good enough for me to say I agree with it and want to identify as one. I just can't

Here is the link to the feminist article: https://www.google.com/amp/s/feminisminindia.com/2020/09/23/men-are-trash-and-other-radical-feminist-opinions/%3famp

And here is the link for the STEM thing: https://news.cornell.edu/stories/2015/04/women-preferred-21-over-men-stem-faculty-positions

#mens rights #answered asks #i might have overdid this a bit....

[yelenasdog]

unknown desires (spencer reid x russell holmes) (i’m so sorry BFRHEKRB)

really all i have to say about this is what the fuck and why the fuck. I DESERVE NO RIGHTS. enjoy i guess??? if u found this while searching for some reid x reader there’s plenty of that on my account!! 

i’m deleting this bye ok-

btw it’s set at the end of s9 ep18 and then ends probably around s13?? idk. also listen to billie eilish’s “i love you” to be extra sad bc this is lowkey kinda angsty and lowkey a mess but im throwing it at u ok bye!

🂦∙🂦∙🂦

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary”- Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven

Spencer shouldn't have been so drawn the first time he saw Russell in person. He shouldn't have been drawn at all.

He was a victim, someone who the young doctor had stared at a photo of for days while planning his rescue.

Although he didn't feel the initial electricity, he was far too buried in the case to think about Russell's kind puppy dog eyes or plump, rosy lips. Yes, far too busy to even fathom thinking of the way his raven locks that Edgar Allan Poe himself would be jealous of complimented his ivory skin, even for an inkling of a moment. He couldn’t bear to do such a thing.

But then, there was after the case, that day at the hospital. There was loss, it was hard to see. But yet again, he saw it every day.

His brain was fuzzy, and he seemed to be more heavily affected by this case than any previous endeavors. He wasn’t sure as to why.

It had him lost in his own thoughts, swimming in a pool of unknown desires.

So lost in fact, so drowned in his daydream, that he was barely aware of the person that had been wheeled over in his general vicinity.

It was him. His pink pout (that was more of a smile) was busted, no doubt, and his porcelain skin had cuts littered among it, but god, it was him.

He should have been disgusted, scared even. The man had rabies! And this was doctor Reid we’re talking about, the biggest possible germaphobe. But he couldn’t bring himself, he was too infatuated. Not that he would admit to it, though.

And he apparently had heard about Spence and his displeasure with even slightly unsanitary situations, as he chose to greet (and simultaneously say goodbye) to the doctor with a simple wave and bashful smile.

Spencer returned it in the same manner. The interaction was quick, too quick. It also warmed his heart to a full extent.

Russell was whisked away by a nurse, looking back reluctantly at the three agents that had saved his life, specifically a certain brown haired doctor, wanting to encapsulate his stunning image in his mind.

Spencer stuck to a cycle. Save, move on, repeat. It was easiest to do so rather than deal with any tag along, unwanted, painful emotions. 

Because that’s all love was. 

Crude and abrupt pain. But despite this, he found himself asking Garcia for Russell's current home address. His own actions confused him, but nonetheless, he held his head high as he exited the batcave towards the light, clutching a paper with the info in his hands. 

He knew he didn’t need it. But he refused to face the (impossible) possibility to forget this information, to forget Russell.

The paper was wrinkled and dampened from his gorilla grip by the time he had arrived. He flattened it out with shaky hands, grabbing a fresh piece of parchment.

“Hello, I'm Doctor Spencer Reid.”

No, no, too formal. He erased it.

“Greetings, I’m Spencer Reid.”

What was he, an alien? Even though many members of the team thought so, he decided against giving Russell Holmes that opportunity. And then it was gone in the wind with a few swipes from his pencil eraser.

“Hi! I’m Dr. Spencer Reid, I was one of the agents that assisted on your case. I hope this message finds you well. I’m just checking in to see how you’re healing.”

Spencer scoffed at himself out loud. “just checking in”, his ass. He continued writing and with very low expectations, he sent off the letter.

------

“I'll be just a minute, Mom!” Russell hollered through his home as he went to go check the mail. He walked down to the mailbox, limping ever so slightly, still in recovery. He flipped through the various envelopes, doing a double take when he saw a certain name.

Doctor Spencer Reid

Apartment 23A

Wilcox Road, Quantico, Virginia, 22134

He tore into the message immediately, a growing smile resting on his face as he read.

“Hi! I’m Doctor Spencer Reid, I was one of the agents who assisted on your case. I hope this message finds you well. I’m just checking in to see how you’re healing. How's your mother been since her surgery? I hope she is doing well, too. If you need anything don’t hesitate to write back or call the number at the bottom of the page. Yet again, I'm glad we could get you home, perhaps to your boyfriend/ girlfriend, or wife/husband.

Best regards, Spencer.”

He was off the walls with excitement. There was a newfound pep in his step as he made his way up the driveway, no doubt planning on writing back.

“Dr. Reid, I appreciate you checking in on me. I do not regret informing you that there is no boyfriend or girlfriend here, just my mother and I while we both recover...”

-----

Glee and bliss. Those were the two things that could no doubt be used to describe the relationship between Spencer Reid and Russell Holmes.

Although it was nothing too formal, exchanges of news about mothers or about how work was going was going on either side soon became much more deep, bringing the two closer than imaginable, even from 689 miles apart.

Never meeting again in person, the situation reminded him all too much of Maeve, but nonetheless, to him, Russell was worth it. So they talked, and talked, for years and years on end. 

They both felt a warm fuzzy feeling in their chest, quite able to place the cause on one another. 

Then one day, they stopped. 

Spencer had gotten home from a long case, and was very much so looking forward to an uplifting note from his distanced lover. But to his surprise, there was nothing. 

Although he found it odd, he blew it off, considering the possibility of getting lost in the post, running some stat to calm himself. Pulling out his cell, he dialed the number that he had saved of Russell's if for some reason the letters were to become inadequate. Voice mail. And voicemail again, and again, and again. Spencer tried for days and weeks, but to no avail, he was met with radio silence.

Until one day, if it was fateful or not is up to you.

 It was sunny in August, and Spencer Reid was not a fan. 

After sweating around all day (he wasn’t sure what it meant either), he made his way to his apartment. He stripped down to his slacks and undershirt, waltzing around his apartment with a water bottle in hand.

knock knock

He squinted his honey eyes, confusion flooding his body. He cautiously approached the door, keeping his revolver in his peripheral vision, compliments of his paranoia.

Another two knocks sounded, but before a third could ring out, he swung the door open.

He gasped, his jaw water bottle falling out of his hand and rolling into the hallway.

“Russ?”

“Hi, Spence.”

He wanted to hug him, he wanted to kiss him, God, he wanted to-

“I felt like I needed to tell you in person.”

His heart dropped to his feet as Russell's own shaky hand presented itself, in it, a white envelope, similar to the one that started their not-so extravagant rondevu.

“W-what is this, Russ?” he opened with nimble fingers, sliding it from its encasement.

Join soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Russell and Jane Holmes-

He didn’t read the rest, he didn’t need to, and couldn't. Tears made their way to both men’s eyes, threatening with such a fierce hostility to spill.

“I’m so sorry, Spence.”

This warranted no response from the doctor. He looked blankly behind Russ, his mind running a million miles a minute. With his head hung in a terrible shame, Russell turned to leave.

He was shocked when he was stopped by Spencer grabbing him by his blue and red plaid shirt, pulling him back.

“Wait.”

He turned, his hazel eyes just barely meeting Spencer's own of the same color.

“Do you love her?”

He pondered for a moment, before nodding slightly.

“Yes, I,” he paused. “Yes.”

Spencer bit his bottom lip briefly, before making a choice he knew he would regret.

He gripped him by the collar of his shirt, smashing their lips together for the first time and the last.

It should have been sweet, it should have been everything he hoped for and more. It should have been a reunion as glorious as they both could have imagined.

But instead, it was a mixture of salty tears, as their lips moulded together like they were made for each other. He pulled away, trying to maintain a strong facade.

“Good.”

And with that, he took one more look, before committing him to a memory, and nothing else.

He shut his door, sliding down against it and silently sobbing, pulling at his curls as tears racked his body. He heard smaller footsteps pad up the staircase, stopping next to where he left a dumbstruck and emotion ridden Russell.

“Hey, sweetheart, is your friend going to be able to make it?” She rubbed his shoulder lovingly, so incredibly oblivious and unaware of the previous happenings.

He put a remorseful hand on hers, watching how her engagement ring shimmered, even in the dim lighting.

He put on a false smile for his future wife he thinks he loves. “I think he’s a bit busy, he said he needs to review the date.” He spoke loudly, hoping Spencer could hear him through the thick door.

She frowned, nodding in what was her understanding of it all.

“Well, I hope he can make it, he must be important if you came all the way here to deliver this for him!”

He smiled genuinely, thinking of all the letters sent and hours spent.  

“Yeah, more than he knows.”

It wasn't until after he heard their steps retrieve, and their car start up and go, that he picked up the card to finish reading it.

He ran his finger over the gold raised trim, the feeling giving him goosebumps. He read the front and flipped it over, seeing an all too familiar hand writing underneath the date that the supposed union was to be held.

I'm sorry, I love you.

🂦∙🂦∙🂦

literally what the fuck was that ffwbfbfbkfw what do i even tag this?? im so sorry. also this is my first character x character be nice

#spencer reid #dr spencer reid #cm #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #boy x boy fic

[abcsofadhd]

I struggle a lot. I feel hopeless because the same problems and questions keep coming up. I feel like I could never live on my own because I am very impulsive, I would end up wasting all my money if no one keeps it away from me. And I get very creepy at times without noticing, because I WANT things, sometimes even people, I feel like a spoiled brat. If I can’t have something I got hyperfixated on (because you know we can’t have everything!), my depression kicks in and I feel like garbage. I know I don’t NEED it, but I feel like it would save me from these horrible feelings, so I HAVE to get it. If I can avoid getting it for a week or so, it goes away for a bit, but it reoccurs from time to time. Well, actually it never disappears, because if I’m not thinking about one thing, I’m thinking about another. Two weeks ago I wanted a ps vr, Last week I wanted a laptop. This week I want some games I will never play. (I didn’t get any of those btw, I’m proud of myself ahah….)

Even writing down good thoughts doesn’t help, or reading positive things, I forget them! Then people think I do it on purpose, and I hate it. I don’t know if it’s me, or the others. I do things, and say the opposite, but I can’t notice it by myself. Not soon enough, at least. I am a spoiled hypocritical victimist. Then I think “yeah but what about the professionals not even caring for my health! they keep forgetting to get me a nurse and tell me I don’t ‘look’ neurodivergent!” but THEN AGAIN, isn’t this victimism? I feel like I’m making such a fuss for nothing, but that “nothing” is still strong enough to keep me from living my life. Is it possible to be so lazy that you throw away your entire life and feel sad and miserable about it? Feeling like dying? I don’t think so. Yet to my sister’s and doctors’ eyes it’s just laziness. (mind you, I have an avoidant personality disorder diagnosed, so they did do their job a bit, but I feel like they’re treating me like some crazy patient who’s going… crazy. They explain why I don’t have things with things, that actually happen to me, but since THEY didn’t see it happen…. it didn’t.)

I wish I could hide on my favourite websites and maybe create things, but then I see 'normal’ people having fun together while I can’t, and feel jealous. And what about this incredible callout culture now /s. I had two friends with BPD called out because they were “bad people”. I think in this case, you HAVE to excuse them. DON’T MAKE A CALLOUT POST ABOUT PEOPLE who act the way they do because of MENTAL ILLNESSES! PLEASE! Talk to them in private, or maybe don’t but don’t tell others they can’t be their friends/talk to them.

It feels like saying to a paralyzed person “oh what? You not being able to move your legs doesn’t excuse you not moving them!!” yes it does. IF someone is trying to get better and makes mistakes, don’t bash them. Let them know, but DON’T BASH THEM. It’s bad when the person is actually being bad, like “listen I need to insult people to cope with my social anxiety and I don’t care what they feel”

I am getting lost in my thoughts again, and this is just a vent, because my friend(s) don’t want to talk about this, and those who are willing to listen just start their usual “who cares about others!” advice that gets on my nerves.

I’m sorry, I wrote a lot. idk who’s willing to read this lol

submitted by lushino

(I read it all mate :) )

#submission

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

01-17-19

Idk if I can do this. I'm so panicky. I feel like just going and killing myself right this instant. I feel so much all at once. My mind is absolutely racing. I forgot how awful this shit felt. I fucking crave death right now and I wish that was a goddamn exaggeration but it never has been and this is hell. My stream of consciousness is going WAAAAYYY faster than my fingers can type. In the span of fifteen fucking seconds I imagined a scenario where I went to the ER for suicidal ideation and they tried to make me go to cross pointe and I bolted and escaped. Why? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA AND I'M BREAKING

I feel like I'm a wind up toy that was wound up too tightly and just went for a while and then exploded. I just want to feel okay again. Fuck getting better. I just don't want this shit back.

Also Erin's mom is in the hospital and might have cancer because they found a tumor on her spine and she couldn't walk. SO THAT'S JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL. MY BEST FRIEND MIGHT LOSE THEIR FUCKING MOM WHILE I DRIVE OFF THE FUCKING DEEP END. HOW FUN! /S

Fr tho fuck this.

Don't think I told you this last time because I forgot but I had cut myself the night before our last appointment. I hate this. I fucking hate this so much. I just want to be normal or go away. I fucking hate myself so goddamn much. Why was I born a fuck up? Why am I such a drain on everyone? Why can't I just be like everyone else and not the freakish asshole piece of garbage that I am????

I never asked for any of this. I never asked to be born.

I hate myself. I hate me so much. Why can't I just be a normal person. Fuck everything.

I just called and cancelled that luzio appointment btw. I know I for sure won't be ready to deal with it next month so I'm not doing it. Maybe sometime in the future idk.

I'm a little calmer now. Idk. I feel like I'm just caged up rn. Maybe that's all of this or maybe that's because it's winter and I'm not going anywhere if I can help it idk. I just feel trapped. Trapped in a lot of different ways. Trapped in this apartment because I can't save up money to afford somewhere else. Trapped because if I didn't have Yoshi I legit would have gone to live in the woods already. And just rented motel rooms for the winter or stayed with friends. I 100% would have done that if not for him. I feel trapped in my own body and with my pain levels. And worst of all I feel trapped in my own mind. I'm having pretty much nonstop panic attacks for the past few days. It's fucking awful. I'm angry nonstop. I want to just be back to how things were again. Winter is always hard but comparative to how my summer was, this has been the worst winter since I moved out of my parents house.

This blog really is a chronicle of my descent into madness. My return, really. Fuck. Fuck this.

Maybe everyone would be better off if I just made them hate me and then I silently killed myself? Idk. That has always been my plan. Say some nasty baseless stuff and block them and tell them never to contact me again. Wait a few weeks and just do it. I'm pretty sure Sara would realize what was going on but she'd be unable to stop me. Sam would too but she has more freedom. She has a key to my house and no patient confidentiality to uphold.

I mostly just want to kill something/someone. Absolutely obliterate someone who makes me angry. Like physically beat the shit out of them. Not just call them horrible things and walk away. I want to personally remove Wally's face from his skull and pour bleach over it. I want to tie my father up and repeatedly push a scalding hot metal poker into his gut. And torment him psychologically with it. I want him to fucking suffer like he made me suffer. I want to fight Trevin one on one and pin him to the ground and bash his skull in.

I want to be an animal basically. I want to absolutely destroy my enemies. I feel like I'm a primal monster right now. I want to impale the severed heads of my enemies on a fence post as a warning to anyone who would try anything. A warning that lets them know I mean it. I want to kill and that's fucking terrifying.

I am not usually this blasé about taking the life of another. Normally I believe very much that I would feel remorse. Now... I'm not sure depending on who it was.

I'm frustrated because I'm pretty sure once you read this you'll probably want me to go inpatient but that's only gonna make things worse because they'll nonstop pressure me to start psych meds that won't do jackshit for me.

The "help" medical professionals always push on you is such a farce. I realize it's often like a liability thing but like fuck that. People with mental illness shouldn't be forced into a place where they're only gonna get treated either like a problem or like a baby who can't handle their own problems. Or both. I feel backed into a corner because you and Sara always want me to open up to y'all but like how do I do that without getting shoved into Brentwood or cross pointe??? Because the truth is a fucking liability and I feel like my freedom is being stripped from me every single time I do. At least with Sara, she knows me well enough to know when to back off. I get that you're trying but I can't open up if I tell you I want to die and that means you gotta get me sent back there.

People with mental illness aren't allowed free control of themselves. We aren't allowed to say no to being hospitalized. If I had cancer, I would be allowed to refuse treatment and die at home. But if I have suicidal ideation I'm forced into a place that makes it worse??? Fuck that and fuck anyone who supports that. This isn't just a me thing. I know people who won't go to therapy anymore because that happened to them and they're terrified of going back. They won't risk it. This shit kills more people than it could ever save. Also knowing you have to get naked in front of a nurse and a tech. How the fuck is that even legal??? The whole system is fucked up and therapists have to actively refuse to use parts of it in order to be able to actually help people without sending them into the pits of hell. They take all your shit and shove it in a locked box out of your reach so you can't use it. You're threatened with your insurance refusing to pay if you don't go to every single group and then what? Debt. Fuck that. So what do you do? Fake it. Fake your way out. Pretend your happy and they'll let you go. And for most people, that's easy as hell. We've been doing it our whole lives. I can't tell you how many times I faked my way outta cross pointe. Cross Pointe doesn't even try to care. They're like okay a happy label for you and have a nice life. Holy shit this post is long af.