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burningalight · 4 years

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my binders/locker in grade school were stuffed with so much shit i couldnt find anything...always crumpled up papers, trash etc

chewed pencils/pens, broke them taking them apart in class, lost them, often didn’t have one, frequently borrowing them and forgetting to give them back to the point that certain people wouldn’t give me pencils

could comprehend reading i liked very well, but when we’d have reading groups with boring books id always be lost, or when the teachers would have one on ones and have u read something short and ask questions after to assess ur reading level, they’d often have to tell me to read it again bc they knew how much i remembered didnt add up to my intelligence and reading speed

moms college friend gave me an unoffical iq test and i did much worse than i know i shouldve on the reading portion bc she’d play a story and then ask me after to list every detail i could remember and i couldn’t remember anything. but when she played 10 numbers and asked me to say them out loud backwards i scored extremely high ?

couldnt do projects, would be in tears, last minute every time, parents mad bc i need a poster board RIGHT NOW ITS DUE TOMORROW . hated assigned reading, horrible at essays even when they helped us plan them.

i remember my 7th grade social studies teacher assigning a paper, i wrote extremely detailed and well in the first paragraph or 2, and the following ones got shorter and shorter and were completely bullshit bc i got bored. she told me ‘really strong first paragraph.’ and gave me a B

talk too got damn fast. customers constantly telling me to slow down bc they cant understand me

my mom always says she had to challenge me as a kid bc i would get bored and get in trouble. i was acting out bc i was understimulated, i happened to like learning (esp numbers and puzzles) bc smart so that’s what i could fixate on and felt stimulated by

lunch detention frequently in 8th grade in my first highschool class, algebra, bc i wouldnt do my homework, at one point he just stopped giving lunch detention for that bc i wouldnt do it. i hated that class bc the math was boring and i never paid attention but would somehow pull off a’s and b’s on tests so i ended up with a B. my first B, and i had brought that up from a D (told my mom it was almost a C, he gave a really hard test and we all did bad etc, when she had to sign a paper about my low grade) at the end of the year, during the exam i was so confused the whole time, it was my first highschool exam and i didn’t know ANYTHING. i ended up with a 92 from guessing, and a curve, and every one of my friends got at least a 93 or better and i felt so stupid bc i was supposed to be the best at math

i would take every highschool class in honors but not one english class bc it required more essays and summer reading and i knew i wouldnt do the reading and would cry over the essays

the only other class i didnt take honors was chemistry bc i knew the honors teacher had a lot of projects and i would be stressing over them. i ended up with an A in the standard chem class even tho i never finished any work in class and didnt do homework, but i was still the smartest in the class and did the best overall

lunch detention for forgetting to get papers signed like report cards. they weren’t even bad grades i just couldnt remember. one time i got actual detention for forging my moms signature bc i got lunch detention for several days straight bc i kept forgetting to get the paper signed

often had permission slips waiting to be signed the day before the field trip, or told my mom it was picture day the day before or morning of. one time i totally forgot it was picture day and didnt dress up

acting out and not thinking ab the consequences, many referrals.. many more times that my teachers let me get away with acting out when someone else doing the same thing would’ve been punished. one time anna and i left in the middle of class to go with emma to the library, only emma had permission, and my teacher had anna and i do wall sits instead of going to the office. in gym in middle school i would never dress out. i hated the clothes and hated gym bc i was awkward and if we didnt dress out we had to copy pages out of the health textbook the entire time and i would barely write 2 paragraphs bc i was so bored and my hand hurt and he never did anything ab it. i wouldnt dress out at least twice per week if not more. told my mom I had a C bc he had it out for me but i was the problem

in elementary school if we didn’t come to gym day wearing the right shoes we had to go into the back and pick out a pair of sneakers that fit out of a box of shoes, and also borrow socks if necessary. i had to do this frequently bc i never remembered to wear the right shoes

i would extremely often forget my library books and have to sit on the couch waiting for everyone to pick out their books for half an hour

when we were even younger we’d have story time and you had to sit in the middle of the floor inside a big circle of chairs where everyone else was if you forgot your library books. i lost one at one point for months and my parents didnt just pay for it so i had to sit in the middle every time. we found the book on a shelf somewhere in the house

my chorus teacher never liked me bc i talked too much and i always felt like the worst singer, not bc of my singing but bc she wasn’t ever nice to me

in 7th grade science we learned latin root words and every day we’d play a game where we all stood up and one by one he’d ask for a root and we’d give it. if you got it wrong on the first round you’d have to write it on a piece of paper x amount of times and turn it in. if you were the last person left you were allowed to sit on your desk for the rest of the year, during these games while everyone else had to stand up. i wanted so badly to sit on my desk, esp bc i was fidgety and couldnt stand still, but i would never study them bc i’d forget or not want to if i did remember, even tho i really wanted to know them and sit on my desk. that teacher had a huge soft spot for me and one day i just started sitting on my desk during those. everyone knew i was smart, and it was all the smart kids who got to sit on their desks, so no one questioned it. im not sure if he knew i wasnt supposed to and just let me, or didnt realize i hadnt won bc i was smart.

hyperlexia? mom said i could practically read before i was taught. i’ve always obsessively air written, ie writing words out w my finger in the air, on my leg etc.

esp during lectures i doodle excessively to the point that my papers margins have always been covered with random scribbly overlapped words, or song lyrics. the words are usually something someone in the class said. ive started keeping an extra sheet of paper just for scribbling when im taking notes or listening in class. when we finished end of year tests in school i would write down full lyrics to songs on my scrap paper so i wouldnt be so bored. my hand cramps up so much but it was better than staring or trying to sleep with the lights on

doing things and forgetting to turn them in

hyperfixating on books to cope w boredom and social anxiety, at one point read one per day, i was definitely one of the most frequent people in the library

‘ The way I see it is if I can get information into my mind, I can do a lot with it but getting it in there in the first place is the really difficult part.’ - not mine

none of my teachers ever told my mom any of this i dont think, bc i was the smartest and i always got good grades, most had a soft spot for me BUT COULDNT SEE I HAD ADHD like damn. one time my fourth grade teacher whom i liked a lot was mad at us and indirectly calling people out, and referred to the fact that some of us never stopped talking , then made direct eye contact with me and i felt rly embarrassed bc i didnt realize i did that until she mentioned it

i often had to move seats if i was near friends bc i wouldnt stop instigating talking

at big lots when i had to run the register i was so painfully bored , fidgety, had to sneak my phone soo much bc i was so bored. when i was on the floor i would put away the go backs very quickly and then take upon myself a project like going through the entire wall of individual drinks and pulling out all the expired ones, it was like 5 carts full. my manager put me in charge of organizing the entire makeup section and all the gross clearance makeup bc she knew id do it the best and fastest

when bosses have me do inventory i can count the products super fast and efficiently, but then when they have me put them into a spreadsheet i stare at it for hours getting nothing done bc distracted and its boring. ammar told me if i’d just get off my phone i could get it done bc he’d been asking for it for weeks, i wasnt trying to ignore it

when im trying to do something at work that needs more concentration, i want to cry with frustration whenever i hear the door chime and have to get up and help customers and break my focus

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tumblunni · 7 years

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uuuuugh i hate going back onto my antidepressants after a short absence we had a miscalculation about the dates i could pickup my next batch from the doctor, so i was without meds for five days its annoying that even just five days is enough for me to get the first time symptoms again every time i start a new serotonin enabler mediciney thing its always a few days of feeling really really vomity and i cant even throw up to relieve the awfulness cos i need to keep the damn pill swallowed usually i just hope im lucky enough to be tired enough to take a short nap right after swallowing the pill, and that the side effects wear off before i wake up I think maybe its a little less bad with a just five days absence tho? I was feeling REALLY pukey yesterday but now its just a mild stomach urk a few hours after taking the pill. Hope it doesnt get worse! but lol it was bad timing yesterday cos i ate like a whole tin of applesauce right after taking my meds but now i havent eaten anything at all and i still feel sick, so probably it doesnt even matter lol

oh but I had fun buying some new clothes for the first time in a year! I feel bad that now I’ve spent £200 of this big money savings, but i got some good essentials that I;ve been putting off for a while and only splurged slightly on one or two cute shirts. I have a big ol stock of plain black trousers and socks again, woo! And one tye dye floral pattern shorts thingy, and a ruffled blouse that looked nice. i wanna try and become more comfortable again with wearing traditionally ‘feminine’ clothes. like.. before i knew i was trans i just knew that i wasnt female and wasnt male felt like nobody would believe me unless i proved i was male at least, cos there ‘wasnt any other option’. Even now i kinda feel like whenever i wear anything stereotypically associated with my birth gender I’m somehow not nonbinary after all and I was just lying... so yeah i bought a few pink and floral pattern type summer blouses and i wanna try and incorporate them into my style. I dont have to be a man to not be a woman, and honestly the gendering of clothes is complete bullshit anyway. I shall prove my binary defying status by wearing both instead of neither! (or instead of like.. one side, just the one i’m least often mistaken for... i dunno how that logic was meant to work..) Also stereotypical ‘male’ clothes are so limited and devoid of joy in my local shops. Its all fuckin ‘just wear a suit everywhere forever, casualwear doesnt exist and nothing can be anything but white and grey’. I’d like to hope that even cis men and women buy from the other gender’s shops every now and again, the gender division here is just SO WRONG that it must be hell for anyone who has even the slightest deviation from The One Societally Correct Fashion Sense. Please don;t limit yourself, guys, wear what you want and fuck anyone who makes fun of you! It must be a terrible life to force yourself to follow stereotypes 24/7, not everyone is lucky enough to just coincidentally coincide with those stereotypes. (Tho also, nothing against those people! none of this ‘overly feminine stereotypes are limiting thus no woman is ever allowed to wear high heels or like pink’) ... ANYWAY in conclusion before i started rambling: i bought some furniture and some clothes and i’m excited cos they’ll be delivered tomorrow. And I’ll have a nice big new mirror to try on the clothes, and try and feel better about my appearance. I usually have so little money that i just stick with one set of clothes i wear every day for a year, that i got in a second hand store or something, until it actually breaks and thats the only time i’ll buy a new shirt. I tried buying two undertale shirts and a pokemon hat last year and it made me feel way more confident just to know i’m wearing something I actually enjoy, so im happy now i could afford one small self indulgent shop for some nice summerwear. ^_^ Plus, of course, now i have my binder so I’m way more confident! I’m still not sure if I’ll be comfortable wearing this low necked ruffled blouse, cos people could see my binder strings and i mean its not easily mistaken for a bra. So maybe I can make it work if I wear another layer of blouse underneath in a nice colour. Tho probably yeah, gender stereotypes and all, i’d get tagged as a woman just for wearing the blouse at all, even when I’m binding *shrug*

oh and also i bought a new large trash can which is nice make the place a bit more organized than just having a bag hanging out in the corner to dump all my crud in they had some more fancy ones with flip top lids and stuff but i just went for the cheapest one cos id already spent too much on the rest

oh and also a new blender! i still feel REALLY BAD that i made the one luxury purchase of a blender last year but it was the wrong size so i completely wasted my money. ive still been trying to make smoothies like 100ml at a time in this tiny garlic grinder thing XD but this was on sale so now i can finally have a blender sized blender of juice and soups! YAAAAAY!! im gonna eat the more healthy! im gonna use up these 24 cans of tomatos that’re sitting on the desk for a year! why did i not check the blender before i bought those!

#bunni original vintage post

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