#also i wanted the lyrics to be in bigger font but i'm doing this in ms paint rip and i was afraid of crowding the image too much | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

amberjazmyn · 2 months

Text

already gone

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - already gone

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - character death, mentions of cancer, tears, loss of misha's wife

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - for ages, misha's wife, adrienna collins had been extremely sick, going in and out of hospitals until she loses her physical battle after she had given up on her fight ages ago mentally.

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - just a quick note, this is also an old chapter that i have rewritten already a couple of times but once again, i wanted to recycle it for misha collins because i did think about writing it forone of the j's but decided against it. also, like always, i take my warnings/trigger warnings seriously so if this is something you feel like you won't be able to read, please ignore it or read with caution. also, bold italics are lyrics, italics are flashbacks and normal font is present time and it'll be written in lowercase. i am also going to make misha young in this but i will still include the supernatural cast if that makes sense.

masterlist

- - -

remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories they're haunted.

misha and his wife, adrienna, had planned to do so much together after only being married for just over a year, fourteen months. they planned on renovating their austin, texas home, trying for kids, and hopefully having those kids, to continue living together, travelling when supernatural wasn't being filmed or doing promotion, making silly youtube videos together, the absolute lot. they had planned so much but now, these memories were just haunted and won't ever be experienced together.

adrienna was sick, very sick, she had been in the hospital for the last couple of months due to intense chemotherapy, meaning she would be missing from some of the supernatural shooting days and promotions. and, it was utterly devastating for the newly married couple. adrienna was barely able to leave her hospital bed without feeling weak, dizzy or nauseous and as though she'd throw her guts up if she lifted a single finger or toe. it broke misha's heart right down to his core, especially when he couldn't be with her in the hospital to keep her safe and make sure she wasn't scared when he wasn't in austin or canada.

we were always meant to say goodbye, even with our fists held high.

adrienna and misha both believed in the saying that, "everything happens for a reason." and, at first, of course, adrienna and misha did not think that her cancer diagnosis was a blessing. they thought it was a mean, rude, cruel curse put upon them. however, throughout the process, slowly, adrienna started to go back to church and she started praying to god again. all of a sudden, the curse of her cancer went away and, it became a blessing in disguise. yes, sure, she never expected this was how she'd say goodbye to her husband but, she and misha, no matter what was always meant to say goodbye to each other in some capacity. even with their fists held high in celebration of adrienna's strength, they were always meant to say goodbye to each other.

it never would have worked out right, we were never meant for do or die.

although getting told that adrienna's treatment was no longer working was heartbreaking and terrifying, it just meant that adrienna and misha's "till death do us part" vow was coming a bit earlier than their married friends was and it was okay, it was just needing some time to come to terms with and get used to. despite the fact that misha struggled in comprehending that he was only going to have been married to his wife for not even a full year, never have kids with her and never have the fun experience of renovating their home together, it made him realise so much more and it allowed him to look at the bigger picture of the situation.

"--i'm so sorry mr collins but, after going through some last-minute tests with adrienna in regards to her chemotherapy treatment for her cancer, it has been found that her body is no longer responding as well as we would have liked to the chemo and, we'll be taking her off the treatment per her own request. because of adrienna's awareness of the failure of the chemo's response to cancer in her blood cells, she was more than happy to start the refusal of all types of treatment. she's also requested that you don't try to fight with her against this as she's very adamant that if she knows that one type of treatment isn't going to work, she doesn't want to bother with any other sort, even if it has a high percentage rate of responding well..." misha could barely let oxygen through his lungs as his wife's oncologist, dr callahan brings the young man the worst news he had ever heard since the original diagnosis

"...do you know why exactly she's refusing all treatment revenues?" misha felt his ears ringing as he asked that question, tears burning the back of his eyes as he was handed a tissue by dr callahan, the married man keeping it in his lap for a moment before his fingers absentmindedly played with it as it was then rolled into a ball

"it's, unfortunately, private information due to doctor confidentiality, cannot be told by me. if adrienna does wish to tell you, that is most certainly okay, however, it is not my place due to the rules and requirements. i am very sorry misha, i know you and adrienna were hoping for some better news as it really did look as though she was responding beautifully. if you two need anything else, please feel free to ring either me or doctor keating up. adrienna is in the patient room and all of her tests have been completed if you two wish to leave, goodbye misha," dr callahan was a lovely man, he was a little bit older than misha's father, and was a brilliantly intelligent oncologist and one of the best ones out of what felt like the hundreds that the married couple had gone to all around texas so they didn't have to travel to another state when it first came to mind that adrienna had fallen ill

the moment dr callahan excused himself from his own office, allowing time for misha to fully process and absorb the information the elder man had given him, misha truly started to break down. he never thought of the day that he'd be told by his wife's oncologist that the chemotherapy wasn't working and that she'd no longer be receiving any other form, even if it was proved to have a good percentage of her survival because of her own refusal of wanting any more treatment. his eyes burned due to the tears that he had been fighting back the entire meeting with the doctor even though it wasn't the first time that misha had dissolved into silent sobs or sometimes moderately loud ones during a meeting with the oncologist in regard to the progress in regards to his sick wife. just for one meeting, misha didn't want to be clutching a tissue or the entire kleenex box in his lap as he cried to himself in the office but, once again, here he was, utterly inconsolable about the new news on his wife's health.

the tissue caught every single tear that fell from misha's eyes as he rested his right arm, his right hand holding the tissue, against the shockingly comfortable chair that sat in the middle of the collins' oncologist's office, the door that opened into the said office behind misha. it took an entire hour for misha to stop crying and, due to adrienna having to take just a couple of smaller tests last minute like she did every check-up, she wasn't too fussed that her husband seemed to be taking an extra-long time with dr callahan. however, it wasn't until she looked up from her comfortable seat in the room in which all her tests were taken that for the past hour, misha had been crying, all alone, in dr callahan's office. despite the fact that misha had wiped all the tears away and gone into the bathroom to wash them away with water, adrienna could still see the red and puffy silhouette that his tears left on his face as evidence. it twisted her heart in all the ways that hurt the most as she realised that at the majority of her check-ups, misha would end up in tears and crying all alone when she was getting her blood leeched out, when her pulse, blood sugar and blood pressure were constantly taken when she could have been consoling her very much distraught husband.

i didn't want us to burn out, i didn't come here to hurt you now, i can't stop.

for what felt like weeks, adrienna had been trying to tell misha to stay in vancouver with his supernatural cast because she knew that soon, she wasn't going to be alive much longer. she didn't want to hurt him, that was never her intention, no way when she first met misha and the rest of their supernatural family. however, because of how much he loved her and wanted to be sure she was safe, he refused to leave her bedside during promotion for the new season and stayed with her all day, every day whilst the others, mostly jared padalecki and jensen ackles covered for him.

"--misha, sweetheart, i thought you said you were going back to vancouver?" adrienna whispered as she woke up, her voice groggy as she notices that misha still hadn't left austin as he promised her he would

he didn't answer adrienna, as if he knew she was right and that he should have listened to his wife but, he didn't. adrienna, obviously curious, asked him why he lied to her, misha feeling extremely guilty that he lied to his wife.

"mish, come on bubs, why did you lie to me?" adrienna sat up as much as she could as he sighed heavily, he didn't answer because he had no answer to give her about why he lied

"i...i don't know, i just, i wanted you to rest and get some sleep so, i said that to you so you would go to sleep because i knew you weren't going to fall asleep until i told you that i'd book me a flight back to vancouver for work. i'm sorry..." misha whispered as he plonked his head onto adrienna's leg as she pouted, her hand brushing through her husband's messy brunette locks

"it's okay babe, but please love, go back to vancouver, i'm sure you can get your mum or even mine or even our sisters to come over and make sure that i'm okay if you are that paranoid. i promise you that i am okay, misha, i'm just tired," adrienna convinced misha as he rolled his eyes, hating that his wife always somehow convinced him to leave, grunting as he didn't want to leave his wife but, he trusted if anything were to go wrong, his parents, her parents or even their siblings or castmates would tell him

"fine! but, i do trust that my sister dannielle and your sister alania look after you and if anything were to happen, they contact me and everyone else immediately!" misha spoke with a more assertive tone (which honestly turned his wife on) as adrienna smiled triumphantly, nodding her head

"okay, that's a deal babe. now leave, you need to go back to vancouver, i'll be fine!" adrienna smiled as misha nodded his head, giving his wife one last hug and kiss before leaving after his flight was successfully rescheduled

i want you to know, that it doesn't matter, where we take this road, but someone's gotta go.

as she sat with her sister and sister-in-law, alania and danielle, adrienna smiled. to her, it didn't matter that she was going to die, for she had gotten over that fear ages ago. so, she knew that she didn't want misha to go through any of the emotional pain of watching the love of his life slowly succumb to her illness so, she refused to have misha be anywhere near her hospital room during her chemo treatments or transfusions. she knew that someone had to go and, that person was her and, she was more than okay with that.

"ari, aren't you scared to die?" alania hesitated, the three girls all sitting down on the collins' lounge room couch, grabbing a tight hold of her sister's clammy hand as she sighs, a small smile playing on her lips

for context as to why she was no longer in hospital, it had been a couple of weeks since adrienna had made misha go back to vancouver so he could rejoin his castmates on the promotional interview tour before the actual, legitimate season premiere of the newest supernatural season whilst alania and danielle took care of adrienna. however, recently, adrienna had been discharged back home due to the fact that she was now on hospice care because she was coming closer to the end of her life. meaning that the hospital agreed in bringing her home to austin on hospice care as well as having her pass peacefully in a familial setting rather than the hospital room being the last thing she sees.

"no, alania, not at all," adrienna smiled softly as she caressed her sister's hand, the two girls giving their sister a sad look back as they cuddled up closer together

"how come?" danielle questions next as the sick girl shrugs her shoulders with a small smile, the shrugging of shoulders movement being one of the many limited things that didn't cause the dying girl pain

"i dunno danielle, maybe because it was destined to happen. everything happens for a reason my love, and, this *adrienna referring to her situation of cancer* happened for a reason and, i'm blessed to have gone through it. even though i'm literally on the doorstep to my death, i couldn't have been any happier than how my life turned out i mean, i've lived my life, what more could i have lived for danielle?" adrienna smiled as danielle nodded her head, trying to hold her upset at bay over her sister-in-law

"we're all gonna miss you, ari," the front door opened, revealing misha's dad, richard, adrienna's father-in-law as he walked over to the couch, the father and daughter-in-law sharing soft smiles with one another

"awe, richard, i'm gonna miss you guys too but, i guess this is what was supposed to happen and, i couldn't have been any more grateful for the life i've lived," adrienna smiled, her voice soft and tender as music softly started to play from the radio that danielle had turned on, the song playing immediately recognised as already gone by sleeping at last

and i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but i want you to move on, cause i'm already gone.

hearing the lead singer of sleeping at last sing that specific line was nothing but excruciatingly painful. no one wanted to even think about moving on from the loss of adrienna but, none more so than misha. he didn't want to move on, he was wanting to continue making his life with adrienna, have kids with her, get the renovations of their house done together so it was a home, and continue going on with supernatural together. all he wanted in his life was just to be with adrienna, no one else otherwise he wouldn't have gone to such lengths to show adrienna how much he loves and appreciates her if he was just going to simply move on. however, misha knew that that wasn't ever going to happen and was having to lose the one girl he wanted his forever with to then maybe one day down the line, "replace" her with someone else and have someone else's kids. and, that hurt misha more than any other pain in this world could hurt him.

looking at you makes it harder, but i know you'll find another, that doesn't always want to make you cry.

during the entire journey of adrienna's cancer, the amount of despair, tears and unknowingness that had been shed was way more intense than ever expected. especially by misha since he didn't think that one day his wife felt ill it would turn out to be cancer. and normally, misha was able to hold his tears back even though he has said he is an emotional person, however, it seemed as if seeing his wife in so much pain, no matter how well she had hidden it from him, it really seemed to knock down his wall of vulnerability. so, the number of times he would cry at the hospital, get emotional during a supernatural scene, maybe even an interview because of how worried he was about his wife, to crying at home, to even crying on his own was such an intense amount, it seemed neverending. when adrienna came to light about this situation, she did not think it was fair at all that misha was crying all of these tears and being so fearful. she believed that he should at least get a break because it seemed as if everything was converging and she hated it, she never wished to inflict such pain on her husband and extended family. adrienna firmly believed that misha at least deserved a break from crying every single hospital consultation because that was all he could ever do when being told what was happening with regard to his wife.

it started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in, perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

it was true when it was found out that when adrienna and misha had their first kiss at how perfect it was and how perfect their kisses, whether they were passionate, emotional, soft, slow, hard, quick etc. they were always perfect and they were always a meaningful thing for the married couple. meaning that, no matter how hard he tried, misha couldn't ever convince adrienna that she was going to be fine and stay alive, despite the desperate makeout sessions he'd initiate as he'd cry and pour his heart and soul out to his wife in the hopes that all of those kisses were going to be mixed in with the exact nonexistent cure that could keep his wife alive for the rest of their living days. no words or actions spoken by misha, however, could convince adrienna. she already knew and accepted that she was gone and that she had become peaceful with it because it no longer bothered her as much as it used to. meaning that, even if misha hadn't, she had accepted it and that was all that mattered to her, even though it broke misha immensely. she knew that his perfect kisses couldn't keep their love alive even though nothing else was wrong with it except for the fact that she was dying.

you know that i love you so, i love you enough to let you go.

adrienna smiled at her husband who had now arrived back home to austin alongside the rest of the supernatural cast, the song playing on the radio in the background

"misha, i love you so much my darling. i know you'll find someone who won't leave you the way i have. okay, you have to promise me that you'll move on. i love you so much, my sweet boy. i'm giving you permission to let me go now that i've let you go," she spoke softly, the song seeming too quiet as it filtered into everyone's minds as background music, misha nodding his head hesitating at his wife's request, a small tear tracking his cheek

"i love you too adrienna..." misha sniffled softly, pressing his cheek against his wife's, making her smile, giving her husband a peck behind his ear as he sniffled a few times

everyone else watching on with broken hearts as they only wished they also had the same healing powers that misha wished he could have to save the love of his life. heartbroken as they watched their castmate and best friend go through the grief of having to become a widower so quickly after marrying the love of his life. of whom everyone thought they'd outlast every single person in the room because of how much they loved each other.

i want you to know, that it doesn't matter, where we take this road, but someone's gotta go.

it seemed as if adrienna's hospice care was stopped after she had suddenly fallen extremely ill, way too ill for anyone's liking, due to an infection in her bloodstream that absolutely mortified everyone. adrienna's oncologist, dr callahan however was taking the best care of her alongside the rest of his brilliant cancer team at the hospital as he handed her the medication. however, when adrienna took said medication, it was always a moment of subconscious fear and uncertainty as to the side effects that came with her prescribed medication really loved interfering with her and there wasn't always a 100% certainty that if she took a nap due to the fatigue, another side effect of the medication, that she would wake up from the nap and wake up without any complications.

knocking lightly, dr callahan came into adrienna's hospital room to give the terminally ill girl her medication, "knock knock, here's your medication, mrs collins-sorry, adrienna," it always made adrienna smile and giggle slightly whenever dr callahan would always try to be professional with her and call her by her last name and she then smiled as he corrected himself

"thank you so much dr callahan and, please, stop worrying about what to call me. if mrs collins slips out, let it slip out, it's fine," adrienna smiled sweetly as she gave a look towards her medication that had been placed next to her large glass of water

"no worries and, thanks for the reminder and, also, after you've taken your meds, misha could you and the group please come outside with me as i need to have a chat with you all? thanks so much, i'll just be outside waiting," dr callahan smiled, not wanting to let anyone worry as everyone, including adrienna, nods their heads

"course we can doctor, is everything okay?" misha responded, a tight smile forming on his lips as dr callahan just gave a faint look of uncertainty which for some reason gave misha the heebie-jeebies and a very unsettling feeling

"thanks, misha," dr callahan smiled tightly as he then walked out of adrienna's hospital room to the hallway, finally able to catch his breath for this was the worst part of his job as an oncologist

then, not even a couple of seconds after dr callahan left her room, adrienna took her medication and then a large gulp of water to help glide the medication down easier, placing it back on her side table, her husband gulping worriedly. misha's sister danielle quickly moved from the seat next to adrienna's bed so misha could sit there, instantly grabbing a hold of his wife's paled, weak frail hand, caressing it carefully for a few moments

misha's pov

and i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but i want you to move on, so i'm already gone, so i'm already gone.

finally, after a few moments of stalling after dr callahan had left, adrienna had finally taken her medication and was starting to relax as the side effects started to come over her. this meant that it was now time for me, my sister danielle, her sister alania and the rest of the supernatural family to go outside of adrienna's hospital room for our chat with dr callahan. and, in all honesty, we were all a little scared since usually, dr callahan only asks to talk with me whenever he has news about adrienna so, it only made my head spin. i was just so scared that my nightmare was going to come true; having to move on from losing adrienna and becoming a widower.

"come on mish, we have to speak with dr callahan. let ari sleep, i'm sure she's a little tired and she has to now relax from her meds," danielle tried to get me to leave as i gave adrienna a small kiss before following after my sister, sister-in-law and supernatural castmates whilst everyone else sat in the waiting room

"okay, fine. i love you so much, adrienna," i whispered softly to my wife, sighing as i gave her a small kiss on the head and i then followed after the small group to meet with dr callahan to chat with him

on our way over to dr callahan, it seemed as if he was becoming more and more nervous and was no longer finding it easy to hide it like he was usually a master at. and this when inadvertently made all of us nervous about what he suddenly needed to tell us.

"is everything okay, doctor?" danielle, my sister questions with a haste breath as the small group all look in between each other before back at dr callahan as he gulps

"that's the thing miss collins, we-we seriously think that adrienna isn't going to be well enough to last the rest of the day today. although she may look okay, the looks are truly deceiving and it seems as if all of her recent tests are plummeting. if you noticed, which you possibly did, possibly didn't, the medication i gave her was slightly different to her normal--"

"--code blue, i repeat code blue room 799a!!" hearing that suddenly ring over the intercom is truly something you could never get used to - dr callahan perks up straight away however, his flight instinct kicks in within seconds

that was when we realised the room number that was just called over the intercom, suddenly interrupting what dr callahan was explaining to us...

...room 799a... that's adrienna's room! no, no, no!

"i...i am so sorry guys but, i need to rush off but, stay in the waiting room and wait until i come back!" dr callahan then almost panics, ushering us into the waiting room where the rest of our "party" of visitors were waiting for us, thinking we had already been told the new information

"wha-what, dr callahan! aren't you gonna finish telling us about adrienna's medication?" i splutter out in a slight bought of disgust and fear, my dad pulling me back as i tried to get out of his grip which failed - not that i was disappointed or mad at my wife's oncologist, i just didn't know how else to physically respond in any other way

"i'm so sorry misha but, i seriously can't stay back. i really, really need to handle this emergency code. it's a code blue, i cannot have this patient dying! just please go into the waiting room and i'll speak to you later, i promise!" dr callahan called out, fear and so many other emotions i couldn't distinguish swimming in his eyes as he ran up the stairs that less than five minutes ago, not even, we just walked down as we watched chaos unfurl

within a second of just blinking every single medical professional that you could think of that works in a hospital was either running up those stairs behind dr callahan towards adrienna's room or was aggressively pressing the lift button to take the lift up to her room.

"dr callahan, wait--" i tried to get him to explain to me more but, i was too late, he was way out of my sight now, no longer running up the stairs as i huff and step back, my dad's hand finding the small of my back

it seemed as if straight away, my dad knew what was about to happen and that i was starting to panic because of the unknowing fact as to what was happening to my wife at this current moment in time.

my breathing immediately started to get quicker, the panic quickly rising in my chest as dad tried to calm me down. he pulled me down the hallway, the last time i caught in my peripheral vision was my castmates going down the hallway a couple of doors down from where dad and i were.

"ssh, misha, it's okay! everything's going to be fine, okay? maybe it was a mistake and adrienna was moved into another room." dad, bless his heart, was trying to think up ways to try and make me calm down yet, i knew what he was doing and, although i'd love to say it was working, it really wasn't helping much

"that...that isn't helping dad!" i sniffled into his shoulder as he huffed dejectedly, wondering what to do as i just muttered something to him

"play the song," i muttered softly into my dad's shoulder before he made some distance between us, his eyebrow shooting up in confusion

"what song?" he asked softly as i smiled instantly at the thought, already gone, although it was a sad, breakup song, it was like adrienna and i's song as it related to her cancer diagnosis and her eventual, oncoming death

"already gone, adrienna played it on the radio a couple of weeks ago, please," i mutter softly, dad nods his head without hesitation before grabbing out his phone and finding the song as it started to play

remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories are haunted. we were always meant to say goodbye.

as the song played from my dad's phone, i was pulled right back into his embrace as it sort of became background music, closing my eyes and placing my head to his chest, his steady heartbeat being the calming cure. the music continued to play as many memories of my wife and me ran through my head as my dad just hugged me as though i was a little boy all over again. or back when he did when i was getting bullied for how "weird" i was as a teenager.

i want you to know, that it doesn't matter where we take this road, but someone's gotta go.

it was then decided between dad and me that we would sit down as we both felt our legs were going to collapse from underneath us any second. we smiled at each other before dad allowed me to plop my head on his shoulder as the song continued to run its length. more memories that i had remembered over the years with adrienna came flooding into my brain as well as dad's as he smiled a smile that was a smile that adrienna, his daughter-in-law only saw.

and i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better.

i smiled softly at hearing the singer of the song sing that line because it was true. i couldn't have loved adrienna any better than i already had done and the same goes for everyone else that adored adrienna. there was no way in which we could have loved my wife even more or even better. i heard so many times during her stay in the hospital that they had never seen a cancer patient be so positive and loved during her time of cheo that that was one of the only things that stopped my tears alongside adrienna's comforting hugs, oh and the endless supply of kleenex tissue boxes and soppy movies that we watched when we lived in the hospital for the first few months.

but i want you to move, so i'm already gone, i'm already gone.

"dad..." i whispered as it had now been close to a couple of hours maybe since the code blue for adrienna's room had been called out and we still had no answers for what happened

dad then turned his head from my castmates as we had all since come back to the waiting room now that me and my castmates were less panicked and less emotional. dad gave me a small, soft smile that was comforting as he then responded.

"...yeah mish, what's up son?" dad smiled, a small giggle leaving my mouth due to the "son" at the end of his response as we were all now equally worried about my wife and her condition

"do you think that adrienna's okay?" i questioned softly, a worried expression painted on my face as dad huffed, his shoulders falling in a sad position as he bit his lip nervously

"i truly don't know buddy. i wish i could say something else, we all do, but, i don't know and i am so sorry that i don't know," dad sighed with the saddest look i'd ever seen on his face as i just gulped and nodded my head slowly

turning my head away to the empty hallway, i noticed who i recognised to be one of dr callahan's junior oncologists who worked with my wife, dr keating, he looked absolutely devastated and in distress. i decided i'd walk over to him to make sure everything was okay. using the chair to help me stand up, i kicked the pins and needles out of my legs and cracked my back before walking over.

"guys, i'll be back, just wait there, i'm gonna have a chat with dr keating," i muttered as dad widened his eyes, also noticing dr keating as he looked over to danielle and my castmates in concern but let me go

"okay, be careful misha," dad responded as i turned back around and started to walk, nodding my head in response to dad's response

"i will," i whispered once i was out of hearing sight of the group as i softly tapped the junior oncologist on the shoulder as he looked up at me in a little bit of panic as i noticed his blue eyes were no longer blue, they looked as if he had just watched someone die

after tapping him on the shoulder, dr keating jumped at my touch but when his usually bright blue eyes looked into my blue eyes, i could tell something wasn't right. especially considering dr callahan was nowhere in sight. but even more so when dr keating grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, slightly scaring me before shortly after letting out a small cry as i felt my heart smash to the ground. the only patient that i knew that the other junior oncologists who were being mentored by dr callahan were working with was adrienna. i felt my lips and throat dry over, my biggest fear starting to settle in.

"is...is everything okay, doctor keating?" i whispered softly, fearing the worst as dr keating sniffled, trying to speak as he pulled out of the hug

"she's gone, misha," he softly cried out as i felt my heart sink, the physical pain creating a burning, cracking sensation in my chest as i felt my eyes tear up

"adrienna's dead?" i whisper, trying to confirm what i already knew was confirmed as i saw his head nod as i tried to hold back an ugly sob that was building up in my throat

"uhh, yeah *sniffle* sorry... she-she was going in and out of consciousness before her body just gave up on itself. the medications dr callahan had given her earlier in the day were slightly different dosages and brands to her regular ones because finally, at the last minute, adrienna had agreed to try to see if it was the medications that were making her sicker so, dr callahan thought if he changed them that maybe she'd get better again. so, since the start of this week, dr callahan and the rest of us had been trialling this new medication with her in hopes that it would work but, it-it didn't *sniffle* i am so sorry misha... we, we didn't think the medication would cause her to overdose..." dr keating was utterly devastated at losing adrienna which meant that dr callahan and the rest of the team were even more devastated as i clenched my jaw

i couldn't do anything else but close my eyes and cover my face with my hand as dr keating didn't know how to comfort me anymore as i blinked back the tears to no avail as they quickly started to stream down my cheeks.

"please...please don't apologise, dr keating, you guys and dr callahan didn't do anything wrong other than making my wife happier and comfortable whilst she was in the less comforting place you could ever be in," i cried out softly, sniffling a couple of times so my now runny nose wouldn't make a mess

i then turned around to see my dad, my castmates jared, jensen, alex and rob, their partners and me and my wife's families all together in the waiting room. they all looked so anxious and hopeful, just wondering what was going on in regard to adrienna and why they were still just waiting with no answers.

"thanks, misha, that-that really makes me feel better and would genuinely make the rest of the team feel better," dr keating whispers as we both wiped our tears as discreetly as we could

"it's my pleasure, doctor, because it's the truth, doctor callahan's team made all the difference for my wife and made sure she was always taken care of, especially when i wasn't here," i spoke softly, managing a small smile of gratitude as i then looked over to my dad and the rest of the group as they tried to calm alania, adrienna's older sister which just destroyed me even more and made me feel a certain pain that i'd never wish for anyone to feel

how was i going to tell them?

it seemed as if dr keating could read my mind however, "do you want me to tell them, misha?" dr keating then asks, suddenly realising whom i was looking at, making me look back over to him as i furrowed my eyebrows

"you sure, doctor? i-i can tell them if it's easier," i responded as my eyes grew bigger as doctor keating shook his head and ushered me with his head to follow me over to the waiting room where it was just the group for adrienna that was waiting in there

"no, misha, i'll tell them, it is my job after all. i was adrienna's second oncologist, after doctor callahan, so, the least i could do is save you the trouble and a lot more tears if i say it over you," doctor keating smiled small, a travel-size pack of kleenex pulled out of the pocket of his scrubs, handing them over to me as i chuckle slightly as i take them from him, placing them in my jacket pocket knowing that it wouldn't take too long until they'll be of great use

"thanks, umm, thanks again, doctor keating," i responded back with a small smile, one of my hands resting in the jacket pocket that had the pack of tissues whilst the other one rested comfortably and we then walked over to the awaiting group as they stood up with hopeful looks

it goddamn almost killed me to see all of my best friends and my family look so hopeful in the news about my wife and, it was so hard not to break down. most especially when i caught eye contact with my sister-in-law, adrienna's sister, alania, her hopeful look killed me tenfold as i fought so hard at shaking my head no at her. i tried so hard but, the look, that alania showed me back gave me the impression that she already knew what doctor keating was going to say and i was pretty confident that, that also broke my heart even more.

"is adrienna okay, doctor? do you have any news on her? is...is my sister alive?" alania then questioned, my heart breaking at hearing her begging for her sister to be alive as doctor keating and i looked at each other before we took in some deep breaths

"alania, guys, there is no easier way of saying this to you all as i know how much you mean to adrienna and how much she means to you but as i've already told misha; adrienna has passed away..." doctor keating spoke softly and with the same tone that he spoke to me in as a switch flipped in the group - their hopefulness now shattered as alania sobs and practically falls to the ground as i watched the way my sister followed her down to the ground and wrapped her arms around her and into a hug

"and, the reason why she passed away was because of the new medication trial we had been giving adrienna since the start of this week in the hopes that it was her old medication that was making her sick and not cancer itself. the medication that doctor callahan tried to explain to you guys but wasn't able to. in a short summary, it was a trial medication that was of a different dosage to her old and original medication in the hopes it would help but, it wasn't the medication making her sick at all like we thought it was. so, basically, it wasn't cancer that caused the death but an accidental overdose of the trial medication that had been administered to her over an hour ago," doctor keating explained, his hands resting inside his nurse scrubs as i felt my heart break a second time if that was even logically possible, alania crying hysterically into my sister's shoulder as everyone else just looked as if they had disassociated so they could momentarily ignore the grief they were feeling - not something i ever want to see again because it was not my favourite sight at all

"so, it...it didn't hurt her?" alania softly questions like a small child, managing to compose herself as i gulped, my hand reaching into my jacket pocket to grab a couple of tissues, one for me and one for alania

alania should not have even had to of asked that question about her younger sister, whether or not it hurt for her to die.

"no, it didn't hurt her at all, alania. it was the least painful death, she couldn't feel a single thing, it was as if she was falling asleep. you'll be able to visit her soon but, she just needs to be dealt with by our in-home coroner and then you'll be able to see her and say your goodbyes..." doctor keating speaks softly as he personally comforts each person, a hand on their shoulder and a handshake or hug, completely depending on what they chose as he spoke up again

"once again, everyone, on behalf of me and the rest of doctor callahan's team, we are so terribly sorry and our condolences go out to you guys and everyone else that was personally affected by adrienna. but most especially to misha, her husband and the rest of her family. i have to, unfortunately, go now as i have more patients of doctor callahan's to attend to but, i will see you guys later, i promise," doctor keating smiled and brought me in for a hug after grabbing my hand and squeezing it, bringing me a surge of comfort as within seconds, he was back down the halls of the hospital, off to doctor callahan's other patients

this was when it all came tumbling down around me, finally smacking me in the face that i was about to say my final goodbye to my wife and she wasn't even going to be able to squeeze my hand or comfort me like she used to be able to do. bringing the tissue up to my face, i just cried and cried, my left arm wrapped around my waist whilst my right hand covered my face with the balled-up tissue. i absolutely hated crying in the hospital because it always happened but, now, it was the final time i was ever going to be in this hospital and i won't even be able to bring my wife out of there alive and that stung.

almost immediately, dad pulled me in for a hug, "oh, buddy, i am so sorry, misha," he was strong in his hug but absolutely weak in his words as he tried to soothe me but refused to let me go

"she's gone, dad," i whimpered into his shoulder as my body wracked with sobs, making dad hug me even tighter as the group watched on

it had then been decided that we wanted to leave the hospital, making doctor keating and doctor callahan aware that we were going to come in early tomorrow morning to farewell adrienna for, there was no way we were all emotionally inept to do it tonight. which allowed us a day in between to process everything and really allow the grieving process to begin for us all. they had both agreed in letting us do our farewells tomorrow and, now, i sat on the couch, tears streaming down my face still, as i became fidgety with my wedding ring, making the decision to make an instagram post of a few photos of my wife and me. not just because i knew it would bring me some comfort but because i knew that the supernatural family and just general fans of my wife and i, would also wish to know about my wife and what happened to her.

remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories they're haunted, we were always meant to say goodbye

liked by alaniawalsh, jaredpadalecki, jensenackles, alexandercalvert, robenedict and 985,21k others

misha whilst it absolutely breaks my heart to even write this caption and post it, it is with a heavy heart that i have to announce that my beautiful wife, adrienna collins has sadly lost her battle with leukaemia and died in the late hours of tuesday the 5th of july at 8 pm in the austin cancer centre of austin hospital in texas. adrienna was the absolute love and light of my life, she truly made me the happiest man i could have ever been. adrienna never ever failed to make me laugh and make me feel like i was the only person on the planet. i was always the centre of the universe and so was everyone else that my wife loved and adored. whilst it does hurt my heart to even think about it, the new supernatural interviews will be postponed for at least another month and we do apologise for any inconvenience. adrienna has always said since the start of her cancer diagnosis that if she was ever to die due to cancer or because of her medication that she would rather the interviews be postponed by at least a month than for me and the cast to work whilst grieving her loss. and that wish of hers has been granted and as i write this post, the cast and crew are having to sort out the promotion interviews in regard to our reasoning for the postponement of the new season.

adrienna may have only been my wife for a year and two months but they were the best fourteen months of my entire life. she truly didn't care if she was only my wife for a week or forever, as long as we were able to have our wedding with her breathing properly and well enough to the point where she didn't need any help from breathing tubes or having to be wheeled everywhere in a wheelchair, she was happy with the way we got married. and, our wedding day is a day i'll never be able to forget even if i tried. i had never seen adrienna look so happy and relaxed until the day of our wedding. she just looked like an absolute angel and just writing this is bringing tears to my eyes because i know that whilst she is no longer here, she is still my wife and, i'm always going to love her. even if i do end up dating, proposing to, marrying and then have their kids with, i'm always going to talk about the first girl that i ever loved because she showed me what it was like to love because she is the definition of love. whilst my heart does hurt right now and will probably hurt for a while, i know i'll eventually be able to wake up every day and smile. but for now, i'll cry and i'll be sad and that's also okay.

i love you forever and always, adrienna collins. i'll never forget you because you were simply unforgettable and the true girl of my dreams, sleep tightly my angel.

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alaniawalsh adrienna absolutely loved you so much misha and this was a beautiful tribute to her. i hope you never stop posting about her, even when you find the new love of your life, love you mish 🤍

misha alaniawalsh thank you, alania and i hope i don't stop posting or talking about her either, she truly was the one for me, even if i do find someone new. i love you too alania 🤍

jaredpadalecki love you misha. anything you need, i got it, as do jensen and everyone else. adrienna loved you so much and she'd do anything for you! my heart aches for you 🤍

misha jaredpadalecki i love you too jared and thank you, my heart aches as well 🤍

jensenackles reading this makes my heart ache for you misha. adrienna will never be forgotten and never forget how much she absolutely loved you and doted over you every single day

misha jensenackles writing this made my heart ache. and i know she won't be forgotten and i know i'll never ever forget how much she loved me because she made sure to remind me all the time

alexandercalvert i'm heartbroken for you, misha. we are all here to support you. we loved you both so much so anything you need, we'll take care of it because if anything, the only thing that's important right now is taking this month off from our show to grieve your wife so, fuck the show right now, don't even worry about it. i love you forever, misha!

misha alexandercalvert i am heartbroken as well alex. and thank you so much, this means so much to hear and i love you too, alex!

robenedict she'll never be forgotten, misha. adrienna was perfect and she was so loved by every single person that encountered her.

misha robenedict i know she won't rob. and she was perfect and so very loved

username oh, misha, i am so sorry my love! my heart breaks for you with this news, adrienna was an absolute angel. sending my love to the entire family 🤍

misha username thank you love, and my heart breaks having to even make this post and read all these comments even though they are so healing at the same time 🤍

genpadalecki adrienna will never be forgotten, misha and i promise you that, as does everyone else that knew her and loved her every single day!

misha genpadalecki no, she won't be forgotten gen! i'll never let her be forgotten and i don't think you guys would allow me to forget her either!

liked by misha, officalbrianab, ruthie_connell, danneelackles512, genpadalecki and 82,34k others

alaniawalsh i can't even believe i'm writing this but i have to and it breaks my soul into pieces. as you all would have seen from my lovely brother-in-law's post, my sister adrienna collins died from a medical overdose of chemo medication at the austin cancer centre in the late hours of tuesday the 5th of july at 8 pm. and not at all in this post am i bashing my sister's oncologists or the hospital, it was not their fault at all as to why my younger sister overdosed and i will not tolerate any comments that may suggest that that is what happened because that is anything but what happened. my sister died because she willingly decided, like she put her own hand up, last minute to give a medical trial one last try and see if it was her old medication that was making her even more ill than she already was and was on a new medication this last week which unfortunately is the reason why she passed away, not because of medical negligence or anything of that sort.

my little sister, adrienna amelia rose walsh collins was a beautiful girl. she was always a happy, fun, crazy little girl that always wanted to make other people smile and be happy like she was. she was fifteen when she met her future husband, dmitri "misha" collins and ever since that first meeting, had been inseparable so, that's why it's even more heartbreaking that they were only given the chance to be married for fourteen months, only a year and two months. my heart absolutely breaks for you, misha, that you had to lose your beautiful, angelic wife so early in your guys' marriage. it's absolutely not fair and i only wish it didn't happen. but if you do choose, later down the line or whenever you feel it's right to do so, fall in love with somebody new, just know that it's absolutely fine! you deserve to be happy and fall in love again, and there are no rules on how quickly or slowly how you do that. you are still so young that i promise you, one day, you'll find another beautiful girl and you'll fall in love all over again like you did with my sister.

and i hope you know misha, that you are still a part of the walsh family, even though your wife and our sister and daughter are no longer alive with us anymore. you will always be my brother and you will always be my parents' son and that will not change, not even when you fall in love again. i will adore you until the end of time misha and i know my parents share the same sentiment and if there is ever a time you need us, we are always a phone call or a message away. we love you mishy 🤍

all of these photos that you see in this post are all of the best moments of adrienna. and yes, even the photo of my sister in the hospital is the best moment of her and this is why. even though the photo may not look it, throughout all of her chemo treatments and transfusions and other things, adrienna never failed to have a smile on her face and have a little dance and that was even if she was very sick or tired, she always managed to be happy and still feel blessed that she was still alive and well enough to get those treatments and transfusions. but, i do have to say that whenever adrienna and misha were together, that was when they were both the happiest and the most alive. when they were together, it was like royalty had entered the room, that's how it was like when adrienna and misha were together. i love you so much adrienna amelia rose walsh collins, they'll never be an adrienna collins like you ever again. rest easy my sweet angel 🤍

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misha bawling my eyes out reading this alania. this was so sweet of you! this means the world to me and more! these photos really do show the best moments of adrienna. love you more alania 🤍

alaniawalsh misha i was bawling my eyes out writing it! and of course misha, nothing will take you out of our family, especially not another girl. and i really do love those specific photos so that was why i chose them 🤍

officialbrianab oh, alania, this was a gorgeous post to your sister! just like you did her, she talked about you all the time 🤍

alaniawalsh officialbrianab thank you briana and i know, there were a few times that i overheard her talking about me and it warmed my heart every time 🤍

ruthie_connell adrienna was always so beautiful and these photos truly show that beauty. love you so much alania 🤍

alaniawalsh ruthie_connell she really was ruth, she was the definition of beauty and these photos really do show them. love you too ruth🤍

danneelackles512 your sister loved you so much alania. and your loving words to misha are tearjerking and i know just how much it means to him reading that!

alaniawalsh danneelackles512 i know she did, dee, she loved you guys as well! and thank you, i just want him to know and to never forget that he still has us as a family no matter what because he always will 🤍

genpadalecki my heart breaks at reading this alania! your sister was gorgeous and she still looked beautiful when getting her chemotherapy and she truly loved you and misha so much. sending all my love to you and your family 🤍

alaniawalsh genpadalecki thank you for the words gen and she did love us a lot, she had so much love in her 🤍

username i'm sobbing reading this and misha's post. adrienna was truly one of a kind and was such a beautiful girl. and she truly does look beautiful when she's in hospital and that blows my mind. and it makes me so happy to hear that misha's still a part of your family 🤍

alaniawalsh username i was the same reading misha's as well love and writing my own didn't help me either and she was one of a kind. and misha was always going to be a part of our family, even if it did come to the unfortunate possibility of adrienna's premature death and the possibility of him finding someone else because we've known misha since he and adrienna were fifteen so there is no way we'd close our door on him after so many years 🤍

robenedict we all love you so much alania. just like misha is a part of your family, you are a part of our family. anything you need, we will give it to you 🤍

alaniawalsh robenedict love you more robbie and thank you so much, that means a lot and i know you guys aren't just saying that too 🤍

- - -

phew, this was a lot! i am tempted to either do an alternate reality as i did with my other misha one where adrienna doesn't die but, it wouldn't make sense so i feel like i'd do a part two where misha falls in love again and marries again to a girl that is eerily similar to adrienna or is possibly alania, adrienna's sister because, if you guys noticed, i didn't give alania a partner so, maybe misha falls in love with his deceased wife's sister... who knows but i would like to do a part two because i feel like there is still more to this story i could share ya know?

ok ily bye xx

wc; 10227

#misha collins #angst #sad as fuck #already gone #supernatural cast

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