#also it’s just been the hardest year of my life

[frog-man-moments]

Villain agent 8 au

(this is my silly little idea for a villain agent 8, i have been talking to @flamingskull28 about it and he even gave me a couple of idea's for the au so major thanks to him)

During the fight with smollusk, smollusk in an effort to turn the tides of battle aims for an weakened agent 4, which ends of killing her. .This sends agent 8 into a frenzy which leads to her mostly destroying smollusk in a fit of grief.

After escaping the memverse agent 8 locks herself away as she is unable to comprehend four's death. Marina and pearl are the ones who have to deliver the bad news to the NSS, all of them are distraught but this news hits marie the hardest alongside eight, as marie always viewed four as their child . However while marie accepted and grieved fours death, agent 8 was unable to process it. Eight could not accept four's death and just kept denying and denying until she had an epiphany, the memverse had the power to mess with souls, eight began to wonder what else the memverse could do.

This line of thinking brought her to wonder if she could use the memverse to bring back agent 4. She brought this idea up to marina however she told eight that she believed eight should accept four's death and to try to move on, unsure if resurrection could even work. This caused eight to go behind marinas back to try and execute her plan. 8 begins to study souls in hopes of finding a way to bring four back. This causes damage to the souls she's studying and makes marina get involved. Eight falling into madness didn't care, all she cared about was getting four back.

Eight brainwashed marina to get her out of the way and to get her help. 8 also kinda blamed marina for fours death for creating the memverse and smollusk in the first place. Parallel cannon in this au is eights first attempt to bring four back. It looks exactly like her but grey and emotionless. It hurts eight to see this thing and puts a mask on it in order to not see its face.

Eight's attempts to bring four back is causing four pain in the afterlife. Four even temporarily contacts eight to tell her to stop because shes hurting her. However eight does not listen deciding four doesn't know what's good for her.

Eight eventually discovers a way to bring four back. In order to bring a person back it requires hundreds of souls to be sacrificed in order to bring a person back. This ritual is very painful for the person being brought back.

It ends up being marie who has to climb the tower to take down eight as see can relate to being hit very hard by fours death. she is accompanied by callie drone.

There are 3 possible endings for this au

Good ending: marie takes 8 down and drags her our of the memverse. Eight ends up getting help to process four's death. fairly simple.

Resurrected good ending: eight is successful in bringing four back but is still taken down. four is mortified by what her lover has done. hundreds of people are now souless and she was dead and brought back. four breaks up with eight which breaks her even more(she does get better)

Resurrected bad ending: eight brings back four and kicks the other agent's out of the memverse. She creates and ai to wipe her and fours memories every couple of years and to create adventures for her and four to enjoy. She and four go on adventures for a while unaware of everything that happened. until the NSS enter the memverse and stop the temporarily ai and bring back four and eights memories. 8 and 4 are overwhelmed by the past. Eight is horrified by what shes done while four is trying to comprehend the fact they died and came back to life. they have the option to either go to the real world or continue living the lie

#agent 4 #agent 8 #agent 32 #agent 32 villain au #marie #mom marie #callie #splatoon #frog-man posting #splatoon side order #smollusk #splatoon 3

[kangals]

way back in 2014, probably a few weeks or months after you posted that picture of boone with the stick on his head, i checked your blog out and so dearly enjoyed all the dogposting that i followed. i think you were the first dogblr blog i actually followed at the time, but it's been ages and my memory is bad, so i'm not fully sure. it wasn't long before then--2012 i think?--that i had gotten a new dog of my own, a border collie. iirc he and boone were just about the same age.

in 2018 i lost that blog i'd followed you with, and a lot of connections with it. i didn't return until 2021, and when i did, i didn't refollow most of the old blogs; i don't think i even really went looking for them. it took me a while to get back into the swing of using tumblr.

last september, my border collie had a sharp health decline, and i had to say goodbye. it's not the first time i've had to put a pet down, but i think it was the hardest. i'm still not over it. even just typing this now, i feel raw.

then in march or so, i made a new fandom friend who knows you, and i enthusiastically recalled following you before and how much i enjoyed it. i didn't even know about stellina, and now there's kep too! but... i also didn't know you'd lost boone. i followed because i still really enjoy your blog, and i love your collies too. and butters!!! so glad she's still here!

idk what made me look tonight... maybe because i talked about my old border collie with someone today. i went looking for the posts immediately around when you lost boone, because i guess some part of me wanted to know what happened. i spent the better part of an hour (maybe longer?) reading posts from the weeks before the decline, and then the loss, and then the deluge of old boone pictures after, and i've been crying pretty much the whole time just reading your posts and tags about him.

and this is a long and windy way to get to saying thank you. i'm glad you shared your grief, though that seems like a weird thing to say. there's something cathartic about crying over someone else's dog when you still hurt about your own, and knowing you're not alone in that kind of sorrow. boone was such a beautiful boy. i'll never forget that silly post that made me check your blog out in the first place, or the years of posts i stuck around for after. i wish i'd remembered to follow sooner, but the archive is still there, and it's so fun looking through all those old posts about him and his quirks and antics. he was amazing.

sorry for the length of this, i just... really wanted you to know that he touched yet another life, i guess. and i've been so deeply enjoying your posts about stellina and kep. i know it'll be a year soon... i hope there's some peace in how things have gone since he passed, and i hope the anniversary isn't too hard on you. thank you for sharing him with us.

i've been on tumblr for 14 years and this is, genuinely, the nicest ask i think i've ever been sent.

thank you - sincerely. there's been a lot of times over the course of this blog that i've felt like i was oversharing, or talking about pointless things only i cared about. i still so frequently start typing out a post only to stop mid-sentence and delete it because i can't help but think "no one cares about this." possibly it's why i like to talk about my pets so much - they're not me, but i'm the one who knows them best, so i get to say "hey look at this" and ramble and have people say "i'm looking" back. when boone passed, i lost that filter and i poured my grief out into this blog because it was the closest outlet i had. and to have hundreds of people not only acknowledge this but to commiserate, to reassure, to share their own stories - that helped healed me more than i can put into words. it's exactly as you said: there's a catharsis in grieving together.

i am sorry you also had to say goodbye. i wish i could say it gets easier, but i think that would be defeating the point of grief. your grief is your love and damn it if there isn't any act more loving in the world than choosing to say goodbye to an old, loyal dog. you think of how dogs were domesticated tens of thousands of years ago, of how human society and dogs have developed intertwined, of how we have records of ancient greeks and romans carving loving epitaths on their dog's graves, of how a prehistoric dog's skull was found with a bone placed in it's mouth after death, and you wonder if grieving a dog isn't one of the most consistent experiences in the whole of human history that there is.

i'm glad to know that this could bring you some comfort, in some way. it's incredibly touching to know that you kept me and boone in your thoughts for all this time. i am doing ok - i've been reflecting a lot as we approach the one-year mark. i'm not sure if i'll be able to condense those thoughts down into coherent words, but i'll do my best. i hope that my silly little pets continue to bring you some happiness, and that you've found peace with your own grief.

thank you, again - this is extremely touching and means a hell of a lot to me.

#i know exactly what you mean about reading posts about other peoples loss and grieving in camaraderie with them. i do that too #also mayhaps i am nosy sometimes and want to intrude. i cant help my nature to be a looky-loo #which is to say: you should never feel like you are intruding for doing so back to me.

[eve-dawntower]

His Story (Jeremiah x MC)

Warning: None

Pairing: Jeremiah x Reader , Xavier x Reader

Tags: Light Angst, Unrequited Love

It was already late. You and Jeremiah had been waiting for Xavier. Xavier asked you to wait at Philos, and so here you are, trying to coax Jeremiah to tell you a story to ease the boredom.

"Come on, Jeremiah. Any story will do. Horror, comedy, drama, love story, it doesn't matter. Just please tell me a story."

"Can you just play with your phone or something?" Jeremiah asked in exasperation. He really didn't mind listening to any of your requests, but he was a bad storyteller. And he wasn't even sure what story to tell. Unlike Xavier, he was not a massive book reader. He had a lot of books, yet they remained untouched for hundreds of years.

"I already did, and I'm still bored," you stubbornly said.

"Fine," Jeremiah sighed in defeat. "I don't know what story to tell, though."

"Come on, I'm sure you can think of something good. I mean, Xavier can do it despite his stories being really bad," you said with a small chuckle.

Jeremiah laughed and relented. "Fine. I have an idea of what to tell now."

You looked at him excitedly. "I'm listening."

A small, sad smile appeared on his lips. And then, he began:

"This story is about my friend. He was goofy, cheerful, friendly, and a little full of himself. He was liked by everyone despite that, though.

One day, he went to this school. And there, he met the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. At least at that time, he thought she was the most beautiful woman. He befriended the woman and realized that she's not only beautiful but also very kind and caring. He fell in love with her. She's the love of his life, his sweetheart, his queen.

But one day, the lady introduced him to someone else. Another guy. A guy who was much more handsome, much stronger, much calmer, and above all, a prince.

He was everything that he wasn't, and the guy couldn't help but feel hopeless and defeated.

He also noticed the way she looked at the princely man. A gaze full of love and adoration. He was sure she didn't realize it, but he knew. He knew because that was how he also looked at her. What made him more hopeless was the way the princely man also looked at her. Right at that moment, he knew. He knew that the feeling was mutual. He knew that they both loved each other.

He had to make the hardest decision: to step back. Because he knew that the other guy was the man who could make her happy. At least that was what he thought until he noticed how he was treating her. No, the other guy was not treating her badly. It was just that it seemed like she was not his first priority. He always disappeared for long periods of time without telling her, and she obediently waited for him. Whenever that happened, he second-guessed his decision to give way.

Maybe this was not the right choice. Maybe he should have at least fought for her? And yet, whenever he saw her eyes light up whenever the other guy appeared, he would think that maybe this was how it was supposed to be.

For years, the cycle happened continuously: he'd disappear, she'd wait, he'd return. Every time it happened, he would stay beside her, listen to her complaints, and give snarky remarks or insult the other guy in return.

As time passed, the young man's feelings for the woman remained unchanged. Despite the pain of watching her with another, he couldn't deny the love he harbored within his heart. Yet, he continued to hide his true emotions, burying them beneath a facade of friendship and support.

And then, the prince disappeared again, this time, for much, much longer.

No one knew where he was, and everyone had already given up on him. Most of them thought he would never return. And yet, the lady remained, waiting for him. The other guy decided to stay by her side even though it hurt him. Seeing the woman he loves pining for another man is painful, but for him, it would be more painful to see her face the loneliness alone. And so, he stayed at her side.

And one fateful day, the prince returned again. This time, he seemed different. He was more determined about something that only he was aware of.

The other guy then finally talked to the prince. And then, the prince finally confessed what was going on.

Let's just say it has something to do with saving the life of the woman they both love. Determined, he decided to join the prince in his quest to save their beloved's life, making a sacrifice of leaving the woman where she would be safe.

Jeremiah ended the story and looked at you.

"That's kind of sad," you said, looking back at him. "Did your friend and the prince manage to save her?"

Jeremiah smiled a little. "Not yet. They're still working on it."

"Oh. So... Your friend still loves her even up until now?"

Jeremiah chuckled. "Well, no one could change his love for her, but he realized that the prince loves her more than he loves her. In the end, he met another woman named Bella and dated her. But of course, he is still determined to save the life of his first love."

You smiled. "He seems nice."

Jeremiah smiled back. "Nah. He's a shitty guy."

Just then, a light beam covered the area as Xavier appeared.

Jeremiah sighed. "You promised to use the door instead of teleporting, Xavier."

Xavier apologized with a deadpan expression and turned to you before smiling and offering a hand.

"Let's go home?"

You smiled and took his hand. "Yeah," you said and turned to Jeremiah. "Bye, Jeremiah, and thank you for telling me the story. I hope your friend finds the happiness he deserves."

Xavier looked questioningly, but you only gave him a secretive smile.

Jeremiah smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Me too."

As Xavier and you disappeared, Jeremiah let out a defeated sigh. "As long as you're happy, I'll be happy, my queen."

END

MASTERLIST

#love and deepspace #love and deepspace jeremiah

[hornedgod]

they should invent a birthday that’s fun and not overwhelmingly stressful and negative

#luv my friends they’re the thread i’m hanging by #but I have to see my doctor that makes me [redacted] #and also I’m always hung up on the fact that I’ve literally done nothing with my life #and like. if you asked 15 yo me what her 10 year plan was she would have 1. laughed #and 2. she would have said if I didn’t have a novel and a degree than what the fuck was I even doing #and it’s like. idk mean 15 yo me in my head idk either #also it’s just been the hardest year of my life #which is wild when you consider I grew up getting [redacted] by my stepfather #sorry to complain but it’s my blog and I get to do what I want with it #even if it’s just being a sad sack of shit all the time

[3amsnek]

weird (not quite) autumn- one layer practice Mae with some vague leaves stuck on for funsies

#nitw #night in the woods #night in the woods fanart #nitw fanart #mae borowski #mae nitw #mae night in the woods #nitw art #night in the woods art #my art? #i have neither the hands nor the spoons for proper lined stuff so I’ve just been messing around w lineless maes in different colors #i do know she doesn’t have a tail but i did not consult a ref and also she should. tails r fun #she remains one of the hardest things for me to draw and this didn’t rly help with that but i Did actually learn to draw simple leaves #which has also been a difficulty for many years #so I guess that’s something #i seem to have severely damaged my right arm/elbow trying to Sleep. life is so much fun rn. #i literally just lightly leaned on it and bam three days of screaming stabbing pain why are my limbs made of fucking glass this is absurd #anyways. look a rare fanart appears #at midnight. because i simply cannot be arsed anymore

[gingerbreadmonsters]

sleepy and v fed up w this blasted reading for japanese history class tomorrow. give me 45 minutes to finish this article and i will be back to talk about kissing or something

#for the blissfully uninitiated: hello i am history student #which is a fantastic thing to be but also a significant pain in the [REDACTED] when it wants to be #the professor for this class is almost unbearably terrible which does not exactly make me WANT to do this reading #but the exam is in like 2 weeks lol #so yk. i have the hardest life of anyone on earth etc etc #god forbid i actually do the degree i asked to do lmao #also i up early this morning to drag myself to the immigration bureau for a visa amendment #which meant a decidedly unpleasant hour on the metro during rush hour :( #its bc im applying for this english TA position in spring #its literally only for 5 days and tbh i wouldn't mind doing it for free bc i am sad like that and enjoy teaching for fun #but it IS paid - and paid work is Not Allowed under my student visa #so even though i literally have not even GOT the job (applications close today) i still had to go and apply for permission to work #watch as they dont hire me lol #oh i should mention - for those who may not know i am in tokyo this year #i am british and i usually go to uni in the uk but im on a study abroad year this year #i came to japan in sept of 2023 so ive been here for coming up on 5 months and i will be going back home in august on 2024 #its weird to think that im approaching the halfway point #tbh i should really just make this a separate post but whatever #coming to japan has been very strange but a good thing i think

[heyitsphoenixx]

.

#personal vent incoming to just get off my chest don't be weird about it #i've known since i was a kid that my dad was overtly abusive but #just in the last 3-5 months i've learned my mom was and currently is almost just as abusive #but she's just covert about it instead #all of my adolescence was about surviving my dad who was so obviously a monster that he was almost easier to deal w in a way by comparison #this is. what an utter mind fuck #there's also like. no member of my family that i can turn to for help #bc they're either just as bad or my mother has ruined any relationship i might have w them over time #and i also fear being a burden #so i'm making a plan to get out but god it's overwhelming thinking about doing it all alone #and the thought that it might take years to actually get out or get healthy #she's kept me isolated from any support for so long #and im afraid any family that could possibly help wouldn't fully understand or they would be just as bad as her #and it feels impossible to progress at all bc im living w her and literally filed as her dependent on taxes #like ik this is gonna be the hardest thing to escape in my life and i've already escaped a lot #but this time i have to largely on my own #is v scary #and she's conditioned me to believe that i can't make any right decisions on my own without her #and that anything i do is always 'backwards' #makes it that much harder to make a clear plan #her work schedule is so inconsistent that it makes getting therapy online (since i don't have a license or car yet) nearly impossible #to do it without her or my brother listening #that i've just felt trapped for years #but. i can Tell i'm getting better now and rapidly. more than i've been for a v long time #so the process is just beginning and i think even she can tell #which is also dangerous #but ik i can do this its just the amount of time and effort and organizing behind her back and doing it alone thats v overwhelming #but anyway #we stay silly

[heydocpotts]

sometimes u do a little thinking & ur like. damn. i went thru that???

#dont reblog #srsly i think this year has been one of the hardest of my life #between the grief of losing a close family member to having to come to terms #with a few ex close friends screwing me over #to being dirt poor & terrified bc of it #goddamn bro #like the other day i had .34 cents in my bank account. i had to borrow money to just get to work #cancelled a dr's apointment bc i just couldnt afford it #bro what am i even doing #at least i have some cool ppl around me #its really rough going tho & sometimes i dont even want to get out of bed #idk i just woke up from a nap & was just laying there thinking for a while #& theres so little engagement here that it feels ljke talking into the void & thats kinda nice #i dont want to actually bother anyone in my life w this its too much #im just like. getting by bro #im mostly glad im alive but also at what cost ckskfkskkfjd #im kidding thats a joke #delete later

[alcohol-eyes]

.

#2 whole weeks sobeR let’s talk abt it #this the longest I’ve gone without a crumb of weed in my system in 5 yrs and the second longest in 8 yrs #For a long long time I thought I was self medicating the adhd but turns out I was making it Significantly worse #I have an attention span now I can watch tv without scrolling on my phone or playing w fidget toys #My apartment has stayed perfectly clean for the past 2 wks #haven’t rly struggled with eating or sleeping routines are v important wit it tho #been relying heavily on safe foods I’ve eaten the same exact thing every day for 2 weeks but it’s fine #ashwagandha helps me not wanna peel my skin off in rage #time moves INSANELY slower when ur not h*gh every waking second of the day these have been the Longest 2 wks of my life #but also I have So Much more time to do things and SO much more energy to do the things #I thought being anxious and exhausted was just my constant state of being but turns out that was Also just the weed #The insane nightmares have been The hardest part but most of the time my dreams are just weird #Feeling emotions is weird I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years #I cry about good things I cry about beautiful things art as a whole is just so moving #self regulating after stressful things like work or staying with my parents is definitely New as w as decompressing after socializing w ppl #I do things like paint and journal and make silly little bracelets now #Idk man it just hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be #A few months ago me and ******** were talking about how we’d actually k word ourselves without it #turns out the jazz cabb was making my depression and anxiety so much worse than it actually is #shits literally fine #Anyways don’t let ppl tell u u can’t develop an unhealthy relationship w weed I was h*gh every waking second of my day for 5 yrs #Last time I tried this I immediately became an alcoholic instead this time I don’t even feel the desire to have a single little drink #Overall I have A Lot more self control in every single area of my life #I don’t waste my money on dumb shit I can eat normal amount of food like a normal person #The thought of buying my favorite cookies and only having like Two of them used to be such an unreasonable concept to my little brain #I don’t know if this is gonna be a permanent thing I definitely know I can’t do it habitually #just like I learned I can be normal about alcohol if I don’t keep it in my house and only do it when socializing for special occasions #anyways if ur thinking about taking a break from ur favorite substance maybe give it a try #thx for coming 2 my ted talk if u read the whole thing I luv u take care of urself

[hawnks]

APPLIED FOR GRADUATION TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE DEADLINE 🏄‍♂️🏄‍♂️

#let’s go girls 🦝🦝 #highly educated; can’t do math; sometimes forgets words as they are coming out of my mouth <3 #also why do I need to pay ANOTHER fee havent I already done enough 😭 #anyway…. #this has been three of the hardest years of my life #SOOOOO many things have happened to and around me #learned a lot about myself lol #but atp #it doesn’t really feel like I’m close to the end even tho I am? #I’m just hustling trying to get past the end #very strange #squawk tag

[godofsmallthings]

i can’t believe anti hero is a real song. can’t believe midnights is a real album.

#i just think it's so funny seeing the disconnect between my mutuals #because personally she has never felt more authentic as a person or an artist to me #i also love the way midnights is both an album for her superfans and the album that's the most for herself she's ever made maybe #idk i'm so intrigued to see what she does next and also how my relationship to her/the fandom continues to shift #maybe i'm just in my cupcake era because this has been the hardest year of my fucking life and i've just needed some levity and guidance #or maybe i just need to stop feeling guilty about how i consume my silly little pop star's music #i got an anon today calling me like a taylor hater (for rbing that tiktok probably) and it's just SO funny to me #like bestie if you're offended by me now you should've met me at age 15 #she is literally my baby my sister my wife my bestie #vi is typing...

[yawn-emoji]

#who i was march 24 2022 and who i am now are completely different people. i remember crying in caffe reggio to zay sun and adiba because #my dad was in the hospital and we didnt know why and we werent even there to support him and my mom because we had travelled to nyc that #morning. and the whole trip was overshadowed by this sense of grief and fear and horror at what was unfolding back at home while i was #trying to pretend everything was okay and that i was fine. i never cry in public but i cried on the q train while visiting my coworker who #lives in manhattan and then i sobbed in a xi’an famous foods location in manhattan w my brothers because the cheapest and earliest train #home was that night and i had no idea what to do w myself #and when we got home finally we all knew what the diagnosis was but nobody wanted to say it not even the doctors. i dont think anyone used #the actual word cancer to us for months. they cloaked it in such technical terms so as to make it easier to swallow but it was still like. #an elephant in the room yk? nobody told us the stage either but it was a stage iv glioblastoma and i remember going on r/glioblastoma and #just crying reading all the posts abt how difficult this disease is. most projections were six months to a year and a half. a lot of people #even chose not to get treatment because of the high probability that it would make no difference to the prognosis. i have no idea whether we #made the right choice going w chemo or not honestly. only time will tell i guess. inshaAllah this will prove to have been the right choice #idk what im even trying to say now. i just dont reflect a lot on where i was when this started because it’s… almost too painful. i have #given up so much for my dad at this point and i still feel like it’s not enough but also i’ve been trapped by this sickness and i’ve given #up my life to it and idk how to rebuild myself from here. i need to move on w my life but what if these are the last moments w him and i #take those for granted by not staying home to take care of him and spend time w him. again idk what im trying to say here i just have no #idea how we got to this place. it still feels like some insane fever dream that i will suddenly awaken from #seeing pictures of my dad even from 2021 is the hardest thing. i have no idea what happened to that bright funny charismatic loving man. he #is literally a shell of himself at this point and i hate it. it actually turns my stomach sometimes because it all is so wrong #none of this was supposed to happen he was supposed to retire peacefully somewhere tropical in a couple years not get diagnosed w cancer #journal #illness tw

[caffeinatedopossum]

I just realized something really sad

I have two best friends outside of tumblr (my only irls that aren't roommates basically) and one of them I try to talk to constantly but she doesn't always respond, in fact she kind of barely does. I want to talk to her all the time but I always feel like I'm boring her or like she doesn't understand why I can't do some of the things I can't do.

The other one is always trying to talk to me, usually trying to call me. But I rarely ever pick up or respond or text first. My relationship with her is really complicated because some of my alters are very hurt from some things she did a while ago, others just don't trust her, and then the ones that front when we talk love her.

I have so many mixed feelings and the switches triggered by that mean I always don't answer or forget because I have dissociative amnesia about her trying to contact me in the first place... I don't know, I don't want to make excuses for myself but I genuinely don't know if this is a valid reason for treating her the way I do or if I'm an awful friend. Of course, it could also be both. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to feel neglected by me like I sometimes do with my other friend.

#for some context about what the things that hurt these alters were ill elaborate here in the tags #so me and friend 2 have been friends for a very long time. since i was about 13-14 and were both adults now #i was raised Christian and it deeply traumatized me. i didnt deconvert until i was about 17 and even then was back and forth #i know theres a lot of variability in Christianity and maybe not everyone raised Christian will be traumatized #but i really really was. and if youve seen some of my posts about my religious trauma youll know why #when i was 18 i had just moved out of my moms house and was basically crashing on a friends couch/floor #i was extremely stressed and vulnerable at the time #and during that time my friend tried to reconvert me #i dont remember exactly what she said but it devolved into arguing and i had a panic attack over it at least once #we didnt talk for a while #shes also stated pretty directly before that she believes being transgender (which i am) is wrong #i let it slide because she apologized and stopped pushing the matter #she almost never brings it up anymore #and parts of me forgive her but other parts don't #i feel like i should also talk about the ways that shes a good friend because this is gonna make it seem really one sided otherwise #so for one shes been with me through the hardest years of my life #talking me down from taking my life late into the nights... being there when no one else was... reminding me that im worth something #shes been patient and kind and supportive all this time #she was also the person who eventually got me to realize that my parents and even my siblings were abusive and neglectful #which was a very big deal for me #i wouldnt have lived this long without her suppory #even now she checks in on me #making sure im not suicidal and reminding me that shes here for me #always reaching out if i havent responded in a while just to make sure im okay #she also struggles with a lot of the same stuff as me having had ptsd depression and an eating disorder before #so she helps me feel less alone #but now i dont ever feel close to her #and i dont know if i ever will again #i feel cruel for not telling her the truth if i haven't forgiven her yet but I don't think itd do any good for her to know

[hues3ra]

here’s the thing

#why can I not escape my past and move on from my ex #like ok sure it ruined my life #but who was supposed to know I was undiagnosed bpd with someone w bpd that didn’t tell me/was physically abusive when episodic #and that it wouldn’t permanently alter who I am as a person between my diagnosis as a result and all of the lovebombing/abuse before I knew #also didn’t know they had bpd until 4 years together and I wish I did so I could’ve been a better partner :/ #but also we are so trauma bonded #and no one has ever loved me the same #no one else has written me 10 page love letters #no one else has understood me like him #I haven’t ever loved anyone like him since #but I think he hates me #and he’s moved on and I’m happy for him and hope he’s okay and happy like honestly I do #but I want a second chance so badly #if not with him just with someone who might actually see me and love me again #I think I just love to be abused tbh #I wish I could feel safe and loved again #I’ll always miss u but I get why we aren’t good for each other #I rly did try my hardest #maybe I was never beautiful enough to keep ur attention from the start #I’m just perma sad now #u won and maybe I’ll still kms but it will always come back to u #fuck #personal

[autism-corner]

yay

#loove it when my mom does something which. when I do it she'd get in a piss about. #disclaimer. my mom isnt bad. she has her own struggles. were fine #but the thing were talking about is. wearing headphones during dinner. #apparently when i do it (mostly ~2 years ago. less so now) its worth discussing and forbidding. #while i was actively in the process of getting an autism diagnosis. #once she even refused to. let me sit at the dinner table with them on. and also refused to let me eat dinner in my room. #this was only once but. i will not forget it. #she did not let me eat dinner solely because i was wearing headphones. #it was on vacation in a open echo-y home with 6 other people. chairs and cutlery scraping galore. and i cant wear my headphones. #sillyposting #im just so stuck up on WHY it was a problem for her. i dont get it. #especially now that she is doing it occasionally. #i dont MIND that she does it now bc obviously i know somewhat what shes experiencing. #but the fact that she got so stuck up on it so many times when i did it. hm. #thats all in the past whatever but. it was very much during my hardest period of life. ik it couldn't have been kind to her aswell but stil #augh. #ok.