#also no one can convince me that they’re nit dating

[lycaeons]

got obsessed with flop stoppers a lil bit

#flop stoppers #spencer lang #graham holden #tin can bros #fanart #lycas works #also no one can convince me that they’re nit dating #they’re so domestic

[forasecondtherewedwon]

Runaway Ride

Fandom: Never Have I Ever Pairing: Devi/Paxton Rating: T Word Count: 4889

Summary: Kamala gets herself into a pickle, Devi needs to go to her, and Paxton has a car. Problem-solving has never been so simple, but that's how it is when your new boyfriend is Paxton Hall-Yoshida. Throw in a little hand-holding on the highway and this family crisis might just be the best date Devi will ever have.

When they finally took a break from dancing—disconnecting hands from hips and shoulders, lips from lips—Devi stepped away in a dreamy headspace. She almost collided with Jonah, but he didn��t tell her to look where she was going, only offered a shrewd, indulgent smile.

Actually, everybody was treating her like that; every eye that caught hers on her way to the table where she’d left her stuff was unjudgmental, admiring, straight up fairy-godmotherly. Devi hadn’t received this much notice since her dad’s death and her subsequent paralysis. And those looks had been pitying, freaked out. Positive attention was new and cool and she wondered, as she grabbed her phone out of her turquoise clutch, whether her socials would show more of the same when she opened them. Would people have snapped stealthy pics of her and Paxton dancing now that she’d been vaulted into the pseudo-celebrity strata of the high school hierarchy? Would the Insta posts be captioned with hashtags of their ship name? Paxi? Daxton? Vishwall-Yoshumar?

Devi never got to check.

Unlocking her phone, she found two missed calls from her mother. Maybe two wouldn’t have seemed like a whole lot to someone else, but Devi knew that, in order for her mom to risk rudeness by stepping away from the company she was hosting at home not once but twice, she’d need to be pretty frantic. Two missed calls from Nalini Vishwakumar were the equivalent of six or seven from any other mother.

Skirting the edges of the gym as she headed away from DJ Humanoid—that nit-witted saboteur of slow dances—Devi was about to call her mom back when her screen changed to an incoming call from Kamala. She pressed her other hand to her ear and answered it.

“Hey. Do you know what’s going on with my mom? She called me twice and, honestly, she knows I’m at the d—”

“Devi, shut up. Sorry,” Kamala sighed. “But I may have kidnapped your history teacher and now I’m panicking a little.”

Devi stopped in her tracks.

“You did what? Why is the sound weird?”

As she was trying to identify the background noise coming from Kamala’s end, her eyes swept over the crowd of her classmates and landed on Fabiola’s. Her friend had been smiling, mid-sway as she held Eve from behind and chatted with Sasha, but it fell off her face like Devi off Dr. Jackson’s roof. Fab disentangled herself from her girlfriend and crossed the room to stand with Devi. She was frowning, silently asking for an explanation for Devi’s distress, but Devi didn’t really have one yet.

“We’re in his car on the highway,” her cousin was saying. “He was a little drunk, so I’m driving.”

Devi had imagined that Kamala was exaggerating, but no, this was really starting to sound like a kidnapping.

“You better be on hands-free right now,” she lectured. Then, because she wasn’t exactly a paragon of road safety herself—barely an hour ago, she’d walked right out in front of Paxton’s jeep—didn’t wait for confirmation. “What the hell happened? Context, Kamala!”

“Well, as soon as I snuck out of the house—”

“But why did you sneak out?!”

“Devi, I can’t talk about that right now!” Devi’s eyebrows shot up at the clear and abnormal hysteria in her cousin’s voice. “I ran out of the house,” Kamala continued, “totally directionless, and the first thing that popped into my head was Manish’s invitation for me to come to karaoke…”

“Ew, what the fuck, don’t call Mr. K that.”

What? Fab mouthed at her, but Devi shook her head.

“That is his name and what he asked me to call him. Anyway,” Kamala said, sounding strained, “I went to your school and met up with him and now I’m driving his car and I think I might have shut my sari in the car door, but I’m scared to pull over and check because if I stop the car, I’m going to have to confront things and I think I’d rather not do that yet.”

“Kamala,” Devi said in a heavy, careful voice. “You have to pull over. I totally get what you’re saying because it sounds like something I might do—minus the part where you kidnapped Mr. K—” Fabiola’s eyes went dramatically wide as she was adjusting her tiara. “—but this isn’t you. You don’t run away from your obligations and elope with my teachers!”

“Manish and I didn’t elope. It isn’t in any way romantic.”

“For sure though? It’s not?” Devi heard another voice in the car ask.

“Mr. K, back off! Kamala’s in the middle of a crisis!” she shouted. “And please be drunk enough to forget that I yelled at you.”

“Devi, what should I do?” Kamala asked, sounding desperate in a sad way now.

“Where are you?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Ok, well, which direction are you heading in?”

“Um, either north or south.”

“You’re a disaster,” Devi muttered.

“What was that?”

“Uh… I said, don’t drive any faster. Try to read the next sign you pass so you can tell me where you are.”

“Alright,” Kamala said.

Devi tilted her phone away from her mouth so her cousin wouldn’t hear her frustrated sigh. She locked eyes with Fabiola.

“Kamala panicked at her engagement dinner and ran off with Mr. K. They’re either headed for Mexico or Canada, but I’ll know more in a minute.”

Fab blinked.

“Wow.”

“I know. It’s a lot. And this is me talking,” Devi emphasized.

“I don’t know if you would do anything this big. Mainly because you don’t have a driver’s license.”

“True.”

“Santa Barbara in twenty-six miles,” Kamala said in her ear.

“Damn, you made good time.”

“The traffic was quite manageable.”

“Try to calm down a little and get off the highway when you can. Don’t go past Santa Barbara. I’m coming to talk you down in person,” Devi said. “Oh, and don’t answer any of my mom’s calls; she’ll just stress you out.”

“That doesn’t seem very responsible. How about I send her a text when I stop to let her know I’m ok?”

Devi rolled her eyes.

“Suit yourself.”

“Thank you, Devi. But how will you get here?”

“Let me worry about that. Text me when you stop so I know exactly where I’m going.”

“I will.”

“’K. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Devi hung up and sighed massively, slumping into the wall and feeling a streamer crumple against her back. She and Fabiola stared at each other.

“What are you gonna do?” Fab asked.

“Be the hero my family needs, but not the one they deserve.”

“Are you misquoting Batman to justify doing something reckless?”

“First of all, rescuing Kamala isn’t reckless, and second of all, the movie isn’t called Batman, it’s The Dark Knight. Young-ish Christian Bale, hello.”

Fabiola pointed a finger at her own face.

“Young-ish out-of-touch lesbian, hello. At least I was close.”

Devi sighed again while Fab smiled sadly at her in obvious sympathy.

“It’s after ten at night. How am I gonna get to Santa Barbara?”

“Assuming you’re not going to ask your mom—”

“No.”

“Then you need a ride.”

“You need a ride? I’ll drive you.”

It was Paxton, walking up and tentatively taking Devi’s hand while darting uncertain glances at Fabiola. Devi felt her entire face light up.

“You don’t want to know where or why?” she teased.

His expression said those were insignificant details. Wow. Devi’d never had a fantasy where Paxton joined forces with her, bounty hunter-style, to track down a flighty Kamala, but this felt oddly romantic. Passionate even? They’d see where the night took them.

“You wouldn’t wanna leave the dance unless it was serious,” Paxton reasoned. “So, I’ll drive you. You wanna go now?”

“I guess we better. Lemme just grab my…”

“I’ll get it,” Fab said, raising a hand like the nerd she was as she volunteered.

She darted back through the dancers to grab Devi’s things and Devi watched their classmates part for their Cricket Queen. She was so proud of Fab. Also, she felt kinda bad for ditching such a momentous occasion. But Kamala needed her, and would totally do the same for her if she ever went off the deep end and kidnapped a dude while fleeing a proposal. Not that Devi could see herself fleeing a proposal (she glanced at Paxton as she thought this, then quickly away, thinking, Way too soon!). Carrying out a kidnapping? With a sufficiently convincing pro-and-con list, anything was possible.

“Basically, Kamala freaked and drove to Santa Barbara with a drunken Mr. K,” Devi said, because Paxton might not have asked to be informed, but she wanted him to know what he was getting himself into. Beyond that, she wanted to give him the chance to say, No way, Devi. I came here to look hot and dance up on you, nothing more.

“Oh shit,” was what he said.

“Damn right, oh shit. You still want to drive? This is going to take a while.”

She should probably have felt guilty about trying to subtly persuade him with her eyes, but not only was Paxton the least complicated option, he was also her first choice. If she maintained eye contact long enough, Devi figured it might trigger some kind of boyfriend override that made going for a long drive at night just as appealing as staying here and dancing with her butt pressed thrillingly to his groin when the teacher-chaperones weren’t looking.

“As long as we can hit up the bathrooms first. I was going to, but then I got talking to Trent, and then Marcus was doing a handstand…”

“Definitely,” Devi assured him. “Good call. Empty the tank. Oh, actually, that reminds me… how much gas do you have in your jeep? If we need to stop at a gas station, I’ll have to factor that in to the ETA I give Kamala.”

Paxton shook his head at her, smiling in what she liked to think was affectionate amusement.

“I filled it up on the way here. I needed a minute to, uh…” To her epic astonishment, he ducked his head self-consciously, cheeks pinking. “You know. Get my shit together. Up here.” He tapped his temple with his index finger. “I wanted to show up for you, like, completely. You know?”

Right as Devi was at dangerously high risk of sagging to the floor in blissful bonelessness, Fabiola sprang to her side, shoving the rest of her possessions at her.

“Ok, ok!” Devi said, harried.

She had to dump it all on the bathroom counter a minute later anyway, but after she’d done her pre-road trip pee, she came out and gave Fab a better thank-you.

“Your Highness,” Paxton told Fabiola with a nod.

Fab nodded back, smiling wryly.

“Prosecutor.”

“I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship,” Devi assessed, “but we gotta go! Say congrats to Eve for me again!”

“Sure. Drive safe!”

Devi and Paxton pushed through the doors together, striding quickly with his hand wrapped around hers. In the parking lot, she glanced sideways to see him digging his keychain out of his front pocket.

“Oh,” she said, “so I wasn’t just feeling that you were very happy to dance with me.”

Until they got into the jeep, it was too dark to see whether she’d gotten him to blush again, but she liked to think that she had. He was definitely smiling.

They got in and Devi carefully tucked her skirt around her legs, mind on Kamala’s cautionary tale. At least it was until Paxton leaned forward to shrug out of his jacket and she saw his shoulder muscles jump beneath his fitted button-down, his narrow black tie swinging forward. Dang. Fifty shades of Hall-Yoshida.

“Santa Barbara?” Paxton double-checked once he was settled behind the wheel, steering out of the student lot.

“Santa Barbara.”

Until they were on the highway and heading out of Los Angeles, Devi did her best to keep her worry about Kamala’s situation contained to the way she flapped her phone against her thigh. Usually, she was stressing about the problems right in front of her (when she wasn’t blatantly ignoring them, only to have that approach bite her in the ass later), but with whatever was going on with Kamala, she kinda had to look ahead.

Had she wanted Kamala to get engaged to Prashant that badly? Well, the best thing about Prashant was that you never knew when having additional hot relatives would be to your benefit. (Devi was already hoping that Mr. K would get over the more nerve-wracking elements of this night and just remember having fun with her stunning cousin… and that this could possibly translate into at least a month of generous grades, if she could somehow spin these shenanigans as an intentional blind date arranged by herself.) However, an engaged Kamala was wholly different from a married Kamala. She wouldn’t be around to watch nonsensical episodes of Riverdale, or be duped into hijinks, or listen to Devi when her mom was too tired, or bitch about her shitty lab-mates in exchange for sitting through Devi bitching about her complicated feelings on the subject of Aneesa dating her ex. She wouldn’t live with them anymore, and the family that had begun to miraculously fill out after her dad had died would be back down to three. And the other two members of it would be old (Sorry, Mom, she thought) and not at all prepared to champion her dating life or the cleavage-accentuating formal dress currently buoying it.

So, yeah, Devi was looking ahead—eyes glazed over as the yellow lights of cars slipped around them to prevent her vision from fully adjusting to the blue-black sky—and feeling more than a little nervous and scared of the Kamala-shaped hole she’d have in her life if her dazzling, dorky cousin left her house for one she might eventually fill with the most beautiful children the world had ever seen.

Thankfully, Paxton was there. It startled her when he took one hand off the wheel and felt across her lap to grab hers, loosely interlacing their fingers. Devi quit hitting her phone against her leg. She sent off their updated location to Kamala and then let her phone fall flat.

“Did she say where she was?” Her boyfriend’s voice was quiet in the car and she realized for the first time that her head had been too crammed with thoughts to put on any music.

“Carpinteria State Beach. Do you know the exit?”

“We’ll find it.”

“And if you want me to drive while you rest on the way back…”

Paxton laughed.

“No way. Safety first.”

“Says the guy driving one-handed,” Devi countered, not that she was eager to surrender the hand warming hers.

He turned his head just long enough to shoot her a look.

“Whoa, pal, eyes on the road!” she said. (She had a half-baked plan to call her boyfriend ‘pal’ a few times and thereby de-weaponize the word in a memory that still felt like a fading bruise, an almost-gone sore spot in who she and Paxton were before they were openly a them.)

“Sorry,” he said, staring out the windshield again. He grinned. “You look gorgeous.”

“Really?”

“So gorgeous.” Paxton’s voice was softer this time, the underlying laugh it had carried since she’d offered to drive his jeep drained out of it. It was nearly a sigh.

“Thanks. So do you.”

“You know, I feel fucking awful for hitting you with my car, but I still think I mighta felt worse if I’d walked in and seen you dancing with somebody else.”

Devi twisted their hands, touching the back of his to her thigh so she was sandwiching it between leg and palm for a moment, aiming for reassuring.

“I wanna say I would never be that flaky, but my previous offenses speak for themselves.”

“So does doing this with me.”

“Uh,” she droned, “to recap, you left a fun thing to do a huge favour for me. You’re talking about it like this is my act of redemption. I feel like if you examine it for a sec, you’ll see how I’m actually kind of a dick for accepting your help.”

“I want us to be together,” he said bluntly. “Here we are. Together.”

“It’s that simple?”

“I don’t see why it can’t be.”

“Huh. I think you’re really gonna be good for my tendency to overcomplicate a situation.”

Paxton laughed and unthreaded his fingers from Devi’s. But it wasn’t to release her for pointing out that this date was, in actual fact, the coordinated response to a family crisis; his fingertips moved lightly over her palm, momentarily trapped when her fingers flinched inward in reaction to how it tickled, then traced along the thin skin of her inner wrist. He wasn’t trying to pull away. He was lingering. Though his touch when he sunk his hand into her hair or drew her closer by her waist had always been fairly gentle, it had often had the faint aggression of hastiness to it, clutching her as they made out in her room, always listening for footsteps in the hallway. How Paxton touched her now was pure, exploratory tenderness. It made the hairs on the back of Devi’s neck stand up as a wave of shivers rushed up her spine and crested somewhere around the nape of her neck.

He must’ve felt that wave break, the foamy aftereffects in some tic of her arm or quickening of her pulse while his fingers skimmed gradually up the inside of her arm towards her elbow, because he chanced another quick glance at her.

“That feels good,” she explained.

Paxton looked forward, nodding slowly, and shifted in the driver’s seat.

“Good.”

She thought it must have felt good for him too, knowing he’d made her shiver.

—

The miles were flicking past for Paxton—another, another, another, as fast and steady as the dashed lines painted between the lanes, his arms cutting the water on the front crawl. He wanted Devi, beside him, to believe that he was paying attention to his driving, but he was honestly kinda zoned out. Like that time he’d swum to San Diego, he let his body go through the motions (in this case, twitching the wheel, putting on cruise control when traffic thinned so he didn’t have to focus on the pedals) while his mind floated freely.

Where it floated was to his girlfriend.

At ten years old, he’d been the last kid in his swim class to jump off the 10m board. It was optional—a treat after getting water up their noses turning somersaults below the surface and doing egg-beater legs in between—but all the other boys in the group had done it eagerly, shrieking on their way down to sloppy pencil dives. Paxton had climbed the stairs all the way to the top easily enough, even stepped onto the wide platform, bordered by metal railings and rough under his bare feet. He’d walked out to the end and frozen to find himself so high above the pool.

He hadn’t feared the water, he’d feared the air. Being so exposed on his own at the end of the diving board. Eventually, he’d retreated, then surprised the coach waiting down at the poolside by turning around and taking the jump at a run. Few memories felt as good as the sensation of giving himself back to gravity and letting it reunite him with the water. He’d just had to get past the exposure.

Same thing tonight, going to find Devi at the dance. Holding her hand in his had been him reaching the platform, but when they stood together, just inside the school’s doors, Paxton hadn’t known for sure whether he would take the leap or retreat. And not just for a running start this time, but in a way that turned his sixteen-year-old present self back into one of those nervous ten-year-olds who wimped out and had to take the coward’s way down—descending each step they’d climbed. He might not have run, and yet he hadn’t needed to back up and race into their relationship either. Momentum hadn’t carried them inside for everyone they knew to see them. It had been a calm approach, even if he’d been shaking on the inside when he saw Trent staring at them.

So maybe Paxton had learned something in the last six years, or maybe it was harder to feel exposed with somebody right next to you.

She really did look gorgeous, like he’d said, and because he didn’t want her to worry about his focus if she spotted him gazing at the side of her face while she texted her cousin, the glances he stole were of the knee region. Her dress’s overlay sparkled when the high lights of eighteen-wheelers passed them and the specific teal of the dress itself reminded him of a river he’d swum in once during an out-of-state family vacation. Natural and deep and fresh, and exasperating for his parents because he’d accidentally doggy-paddled himself all the way to a small waterfall and hadn’t heard them calling him back for dinner around the campfire. He felt all that about Devi, except for hoping for a different reaction from his parents when they met her.

Holy shit. He was going to have to introduce his girlfriend to his embarrassing hippy parents. But then, she’d already met Rebecca, so maybe they were set? A sister’s approval should count for a ton.

No, no, no, Devi would have to meet his parents. He was doing this. The two of them were doing this. Paxton exhaled determinedly through his nose and made himself concentrate on the remaining miles he needed to cover. His mind, anyway. His hand continued to stroke and search, covering his girlfriend’s hand with his until he had her fingers tucked away protectively under his own, and then caressing all the way up to the crook of her elbow so suddenly that she made a noise between a laugh and a yelp because he’d unintentionally tickled her. Man, she was cute.

The very end of their journey required the most concentration from Paxton; he finally took back his hand to have both on the wheel as he steered them off the highway and Devi’s got lonely or something, because it chased across to where he was sitting and landed on his thigh. His jaw clenched. He could feel the heat of her palm through his pantleg and congratulated himself on being a driving legend for driving smoothly to where they needed to park for beach access.

Devi had a pink sweater that she put on, but Paxton grabbed his jacket out of the back as well in case she needed it. It was almost midnight and a breeze rolled up off the water, rippling his tie and swishing Devi’s dress. He didn’t have to ask what they should do next—there was just one other car parked nearby and Devi’s cousin was already standing outside of it, raising a hand to wave sheepishly as they got out of his jeep.

“Here,” he said, holding out his jacket for his girlfriend to put her arms through the sleeves. “You guys talk. I’ll be down at the beach.”

Devi turned her back to him as she accepted the jacket, but she glanced over her shoulder with a look of concern.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. You’ll want privacy. I need to stretch my legs anyway.”

“Just don’t swim away, ok?” she requested. “I don’t think I can handle more than one rescue mission per night.”

Paxton could tell by her expression that it wasn’t entirely a joke. He grinned and gripped his lapels, now on Devi, reeling her in.

“I promise. You’d probably take the opportunity to try to drive the jeep home, and I don’t want to risk that.”

“Me committing grand theft auto or me getting hurt?”

“I bet they tested you for smartness,” he said, “but you think they have a test for being a smartass? You’d score high, Vishwakumar.”

“I know, I know, you don’t want me to get hurt.”

She was so infuriatingly flippant, rolling her big brown eyes at him.

“That’s right,” Paxton said plainly. There he was, up on the platform again.

Devi straightened his tie and let her hand rest flat on his chest. He remembered how overwhelmed she’d looked the first time he’d placed her palm there, right on his skin. Even now, it almost made him laugh.

“Ok,” she said, and he was surrendering himself to the sweet strength of gravity, propelled down to the beach while Devi stayed to talk to Kamala.

—

Devi had heard that there were tidepools here, and she was nervous about stepping into one and spearing some aquatic animal on her high heel. Well, she couldn’t magically improve her night vision, but she could take her shoes off and remove the possibility of impalement. They dangled from her fingers as she picked her way down to the beach.

Her boyfriend was sitting in the sand, staring out at the ocean. It just looked so romantic—with the stars the sky was too bright to see at home, and the waves, and the back of Paxton’s white shirt in the moonlight—that Devi decided to slip into the scene without saying anything at all.

A mistake. Paxton gasped and jumped. Apparently, he hadn’t heard her over the noise of the water.

“Sorry, sorry!” she said.

He sighed and smiled, getting to his feet.

“How’d it go?”

“I think it went well. She was feeling calm enough to drive, so she’s on her way home now. She’s gonna cover for me until we get back.”

“That’s good… but what about Mr. Kulkarni?”

“He was passed out in the passenger’s seat,” Devi stated. “I guess he’s kind of a lightweight? Kamala said she’s going to drive back to our school and leave him and his car in the parking lot. She’s planning to call my mom for a ride home. If it were me, I think I’d take the bus and try to sneak back into the house as quietly as possible, but Kamala still has a lot to learn about how to thoroughly dodge your problems.”

“And maybe about how to climb to the second floor of your house from the outside?” Paxton suggested with a meaningful smirk.

She did her best to return it, but the odds were that it didn’t look nearly as sexy on her. Then again, she had moonlight and midnight and well-displayed cleavage on her side.

“How’d you learn to do that so quietly anyway?” Devi asked, tossing her shoes to the sand and stepping forward to boldly wrap her arms around Paxton’s waist.

He’d had his hands in his pockets, but as soon as she’d begun to move towards him, he’d pulled them out. His arms encircled her, his hands on the back of his own black jacket. Although Devi wanted to offer him the jacket back—he felt slightly chilly through his shirt—she didn’t want the two of them to separate. Besides, body heat was a thing. This was practically what it was for. So Devi just pressed herself closer, breathing the scent of the ocean and Paxton’s fading cologne.

“Trent,” he said.

“Yeah, actually, that checks out.”

Were there boundaries between warming someone up while having a conversation and just hugging them? It wasn’t clear to Devi, but it felt good when they both went quiet for a while. She stood unevenly on the cold sand and listened to the thud of Paxton’s heart.

“You never said yes,” he said eventually, quietly.

“Yes to what?”

“I told you I came to the dance as your boyfriend and you never actually agreed to be my girlfriend. We kinda just started making out.”

Devi lifted her cheek from his chest so she could look at him. He didn’t appear disappointed, more like he was making an observation. Maybe he’d been reflecting, out here in the dark, while she and Kamala had talked.

“In my books, that’s an obvious yes,” she said, grinning. “What more do you need?”

She could see him trying not to smile.

“A little atmosphere would be nice,” Paxton said. “Maybe a long drive, or the beach. A full moon. Romance me, Vishwakumar.”

Devi vibrated with silent laughter. Or her heart was just beating really, really freaking hard.

“Sounds like you’ve got some pretty big expectations there.”

“And stars,” he added. “There should be a shitload of stars.”

With that, he took one hand off her back to point far above them. Devi tipped her head back, the light of the stars a friendly blur as she tried to pick one to settle on, just one. Paxton’s face coming forward to hover over hers blotted them out. Her boyfriend kissed her, light and ghosting and then firm and slow.

“On the other hand,” he said, pulling back a little, “I think we were onto something with the making out.”

Devi smiled and dug her toes into the sand to make herself taller, lips at the ready and realigned with his.

“We did set a precedent.”

#my writing #Never Have I Ever #Never Have I Ever spoilers #NHIE #NHIE spoilers #Devi Vishwakumar #Paxton Hall-Yoshida #Devi x Paxton #Daxton #Fabiola Torres #Kamala Nandiwadal #couldn't find a gif I wanted and then all of a sudden I was making a moodboard

[diamcndgirl]

under the ‘read more’ you will find a full interview about the one and only penelope hainline.

BASIC QUESTIONS

first name? penelope.

surname? hainline.

middle names? bernadette (after the broadway legend bernadette peters).

nicknames? penny (most common) and miss piggy.

date of birth? may twenty-eight, 1998.

age? twenty-three.

PHYSICAL / APPEARANCE

height? 5′2.

weight? 120lbs.

build? athletic/small.

hair colour? blonde, but known to wear different wigs.

eye colour? bright blue.

glasses or contact lenses? glasses for fashion and fashion only.

distinguishing facial features? her big eyes and tooted up nose.

which bodily feature is most prominent? chest. while she lost most of her weight her chest is still relatively large for her size.

make up? penny loves make up, spends almost as much time doing her make up as she does picking out her outfit.

type of clothes? all types of clothes! she loves clothes but is known mostly for her high fashion looks. she creates her own outfits from time to time. but she loves high fashion and designer clothes.

how do they wear their clothes? penelope has an outfit for literally every occasion. basketball game? she’s got a jersey with her name bedazzled across the back in pink. painting? she’s got a total get up and special painting beret. her clothes are an extension of herself. she loves having fun with her clothes.

race / ethnicity? white.

are they in good health? over all, yes. she’s slimmed down and is in a lot better shape. she does karate/kick boxing to keep in shape but honestly she still eats like a pig.

PERSONALITY

what words or phrases do they overuse? “excusze moi”, “moi”, “thank yoooou.”, “oh dear..”, “totally”, “shut up!!”.

are they more optimistic or pessimistic? hmm, is there a middle ground? honestly, overly optimistic about her own talents and overly pessimistic of other’s. she is absolutely positive she’s perfect at everything she does.. but as for other people? it’s all their fault anything goes wrong.

are they introverted or extroverted? extroverted, extroverted, extroverted!

do they ever put on airs? literally all the time. like i said penelope thinks she’s perfect at everything straight out the gate... doesn’t matter if she’s done it before or not. which means she always puts on a front like she is great at everything.

what bad habits do they have? not many, her mother was good for breaking bad habits young. but, the ones that stuck are: emotional shopping, emotional eatting, sleeping in, and interrupting people.

what makes them laugh out loud? a lot. penny laughs at everything and anything.

how do they display affection? physical touch and gift giving... she’s always been one for big displays of affection. so she’s one for holding hands, kissing in public, and showing out with big gifts.

how do they want to be seen by others? perfect. she wants to be seen as perfect. anything less is just a no.

how do they see themselves? not so perfect. while she acts like it on the inside she is constantly nit picking herself, the way she dresses, and every little thing about herself.

strongest character trait? tenacious. she’s got a strong grip on herself and her life.

weakest character trait? overly confident. while she’s got a go and get it personality she also has a tendency to over over board and think bigger than her ability.

how competitive are they? extremely.

do they make snap judgments or take time to consider? snap judgments all the time with everything. then it takes a good while to convince her she’s not correct about it.

how do they react to praise? highly. she loves praise. anything to hear that she’s as wonderful as she thinks. “oh please. you’re so silly.. tell me more.”

how do they react to criticism? not good.. she hates being told she could be better at something.

what is their greatest fear? failing. be it in her career choice or relationships. to fail means her mother was right and so were all the kids when she was younger.

what is their philosophy of life? go big or go home.

what will they stand up for? their friends. what they believe in. people with smaller voices than her own.

are they indoorsy or outdoorsy? indoors.

what is their sinful little habit? kissing strangers when she’s tipsy.

what sense do they most rely on? her sixth sense-- or at least that’s what she says. penelope picks up ‘vibes’.

what quality do they most value in a friend? loyalty.. and a good fashion sense.

what do they consider an overrated virtue? forgiveness. you don’t always have to forgive someone.

if they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?

what is their obsession? fashion, rupaul’s drag race, kylie minogue, and fancy chocolate.

FRIENDS AND FAMILY

is their family big or small? who does it consist of? small. there are only three members: her mother bonnie a retired model, her father jim a business lawyer, and herself.

what is their perception of family? she loves her parents. they gave her everything she could ever want.. but they did let her down in a lot of ways. so it’s a tad screwed.

do they have siblings? none that she knows of. her father wasn’t a very faithful man and neither was her mother.

describe their best friend. penelope had a best friend growing up. kaiden russel. sadly, after going into high school the pair didn’t stay connected and she moved onto a more popular crowd and hasn’t truly had a ‘best friend’ since then.

ideal best friend? hm, someone who can keep up with her all the while keeping her in line. someone who listens and doesn’t mind her rambling. also they’ve got to have a great fashion sense and killer personality.

describe their other friends. penelope has loads of friends. while she may be a bit of a mean girl she doesn’t have trouble making friends. especially since moving to elias. she’s been able to calm down on the venom and let friendships grow.. she still worries about people not

do they have any pets? back home she has a biscon friese named pinky. she’s trying to convince her land lord to allow the dog to stay.

who are their natural allies? wally, georgette, daphne, and buzz.

who are their surprising allies? rita. they’re very much opposites attract and have a surprisingly great friendship. while they’re an odd pair penny has her back just like rita has pen’s.

PAST AND FUTURE

what was your character like as a baby? as a child? loud, chubby, and a little too in your face.

did they grow up rich or poor? rich. her parents wouldn’t have it any other way.

did they grow up nurtured or neglected? right in the middle. one parent nurtured with gifts and the other neglected with words.

what is their greatest achievement? prom queen, except it was a fluke. next would be getting into walt academy.

what was their first kiss like? hm, not great. it was with the smelly boy on the back of the bus because the cool kids dared her.. she was promised to sit at their lunch table then got tricked.

what is the worst thing they did to someone they loved? she told her mom she hated her.. like multiple times.

what are their ambitions? become a fashion mogul and build a huge empire.

what advice would they give their younger self? don’t listen to axel.. ever.

what smells remind them of their childhood? chocolate and tears.

what was their childhood ambition? be the next britney spears.

did they have an imaginary childhood friend? she didn’t have many friends besides kaidan. so she created friends from her stuffed animals.

when was the last time they were crushed with disappointment? besides being stood up.. probably being told her latest design wasn’t good by her teacher.

LOVE

do they believe in love at first sight? yes, she’s a hopeless romantic.

are they in a relationship? clearly not.

how do they behave in a relationship? she’s a fun partner. but she’s very about herself. while she’ll cover them with attention and love.. she’ll always be her first priority.

when did you character last have sex? it’s been a hot minute. penny isn’t big on hook ups. she wants to be in love.. or in ‘really like’ before she puts that out there.

what sort of sex do they have? again she wants to make love not have sex. she’s more about pleasing and being pleased. and she just really loves kissing and cuddling.

has your character ever been in love? nope, she doesn’t even know what it feels like.

have they ever had their heart broken? her feelings hurt but her heart wasn’t broken by axel. just hurt really bad.

CONFLICT

how do they respond to a threat? with a bigger threat back. penelope is very confrontational.

are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue? tongue, girl has a mouth and can say very hateful and mean things.

if your character could only save one thing from their burning house, what would it be? her diary. she’s kept one since she was a child. it’s important to her.

what are their phobias? spiders and bugs in general.

what is their choice of weapon? her purse and the taser she keeps in it.

what living person do they most despise? axel and his band.

have they ever been bullied or teased? yeah, her whole childhood.

where do they go when they’re angry? to cry in a pillow then to the gym to punch away her aggression.

WORK, EDUCATION AND HOBBIES

what is their current job? jobless socialite student.

what are their hobbies? fashion design/sewing, karaoke, and karate.

educational background? she’s currently in college for fashion design.

intelligence level? she’s about a 8/10 on the intelligence scale. she has always done well in school but def isn’t a valedictorian.

do they have a natural talent for something? sewing. she can make an outfit in under an outfit and it will be perfect.

do they play a sport? are they any good? kick boxing, doll. she’s great. and karate. she’s a black belt you know!

FAVORITES

what is their favorite animal? her pup. but she likes flamingos strangely enough.

which animal do they dislike the most? spiders.. and bats.

what place would they most like to visit? paris. again and again and again. she hopes to live their one day. but as far as new place to visit would be london.

what is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen? can she say her own reflection?

what is their favorite song? love at first sight by kylie minogue or the call by the backstreet boys.

music, art, reading preferred? ooo, this is hard for her because fashion is art to her but she loves singing. we’ll say art to be safe.

what is their favorite color? pink, all day everyday.

POSSESSIONS

what is in their fridge? lots of leftovers and food prep. penny doesn’t cook very well.

what is on their bedside table? a picture of her puppy, her phone, a ring dish with her everyday jewelry, and a cute lamp.

what is in their purse or wallet? junk on top of junk and things she needs to clean out.

what is their most treasured possession? her diary and her grandmother wedding band.

SPIRITUALITY

who or what is your character’s guardian angel? she’d believe it’s her father’s mother but then again with her fate she doesn’t think she has one.

do they believe in the afterlife? yes. but she’s not sure it’s like the ‘good book’ says.

what are their religious views? believes in a god but is not practicing any strict religion.

what do they think heaven is? heaven would be a happy life where she’s treated like a princess on a throne.

what do they think hell is? reliving prom night over and over again.

are they superstitious? a bit. she wont place her purse on the ground, doesn’t step on cracks, and little things like that.

what would they like to be reincarnated as? hm, a butterfly.

how would they like to die? in their sleep.

what is your character’s spirit animal? a peacock.

what is their zodiac sign? gemini sun, gemini moon, cancer ascending.

VALUES

what do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person? murder.. or having their heart broken.

what is their view of ‘freedom’? she’s not sure... it seems like there isn’t such a thing these days.

when did they last lie? she told her teacher her outfit was cute.. it wasn’t. it was tacky and she hated it.

what’s their view of lying? penny doesn’t lie often.. maybe fib and tell little white lies.. but never about anything major.

when did they last make a promise? hm, she doesn’t really make promises because it’s hard for her to keep them.

did they keep or break their last promise? again.. she probably broke it.

DAILY LIFE

what are their eating habits? awful. she works out to keep off the pounds.. but penny has never ate healthy and probably never will.

describe their home. chic chaos? clothes and accessories everywhere, pictures of herself and pup everywhere, her sewing station a hot mess.. lots of color and fun.

are they minimalist or a clutter hoarder? clutter hoarder.

what do they do first thing on a weekday morning? drink water and write in her dream journal.

what do they do on a sunday afternoon? her weekly skin care routine.

what do they do on a friday night? a night on the town. she’s probably dragging a friend to karaoke or on a ‘friend date’.

what is the soft drink of choice? she’s a mountain dew girl.

what is their alcoholic drink of choice? sangria or margaritas. she’s simple.

MISCELLANEOUS

what or who would your character dress up as for halloween? probably wanda from wanda vision.. she has no idea. or she’ll try to get a date and force them to be her vision. or maybe princess peach.

are they comfortable with technology? very much so. social media queen.

if they could call one person for help, who would it be? probably howl.. she just learned about magic.. that has to fix everything.

what is their greatest extravagance? her princess tiara, her father bought when she turned sixteen. it’s diamond encrusted and also has pink diamonds.

what is their perception of redemption? obviously she think shes got the greatest redemption story of all time.

what would they do if they won the lottery? give it to charity for publicity... whoops.

what is their favourite fairytale? the twelve dancing princesses.

what fairytale do they hate? princess and the pea.

do they believe in happy endings? yes, and she hopes she gets one.

what is their idea of perfect happiness? honestly, a good marriage and sucessful career.

what would they ask a fortune teller? who she’s going to marry and if he’s loaded.

if your character could travel through time, where would they go? to meet anne boleyn and tell her what’s going to happen.

what sport do they excel at? karate.

what sport do they suck at? anything with a ball.

if they could have a superpower, what would they choose? super strength or flying.

#watask #「 ❀ 」 » TASKS. ⋮ ━━ ˗ˏˋ 𝖤𝖷𝖢𝖴𝖲𝖤𝖹-𝖬𝖮𝖨! ˎˊ˗

[vgjustice]

VG Talks Games: My thoughts on The Switch (Jan. 14th, ‘17)

Really just a basic rundown on what I’m seeing from the various bits that have been officially released and what should be known if you want one of these systems. Buckle in, this might be a long one.

So, just for simplicity’s sake, I’m going to be using North American pricing when I’m talking about the system, games, and accessories. I know these prices are different in different regions, but the basic idea will still be the same when divorced from hard numbers. Okay? Okay.

And on that note, let’s talk cost. At $300 this thing is going to be more expensive than either an Xbox One S or a PlayStation 4 slim. And if you’re only looking at the Switch as a home console, that’s bad. You’d better really want those Nintendo exclusives to justify spending that much more on a less powerful system, and it is a less powerful system. But, that’s kind of the thing, right? It’s not just a “home console”. It’s not really much of a portable either, what with the 2.5 to 6 hour battery life (my New 3DS XL gets considerably better than that), but it can be taken on the go and that’s really the point. Much like the controllers have some motion control to them, even though people were really very much done with “waggling” before the Wii bit the dust.

From what I saw in the Switch Event it looks to me like Nintendo is trying to capture two very distinct audiences with this console. The first group are the casual market they captured with the Wii. That’s why games like 1, 2, Switch! and Just Dance 2017 are launch titles, it’s why they talked so extensively about using the console and games more like a party game that doesn’t need the TV. And I have no idea if that’s going to work. The Wii casual market clearly didn’t want the more powerful Wii U, even when it was explained to them on a personal level. Maybe Nintendo can hit pay dirt again, and it’s pretty obvious that they’re trying. The second group is the long time Nintendo loyalists. Which is why Breath of the Wild is a launch title and why the Switch Event wrapped up with that game’s release date. It’s why they focused so much on Super Mario Odyssey, and also announced Splatoon 2. They’ve got a pretty good idea what that demographic wants and have been good about pleasing them (us) for the past few console generations. And to be perfectly honest, that’s not really enough. Every loyalist lost is a major blow since I don’t think Nintendo is replacing those customers very easily. Really, the Switch needs a unique lineup to attract new customers, but they need something that either younger customers can grow with much like the current loyalists did with the NES/SNES/N64, or they need to please the major console fanatics and convince them to pick up this new device. But with underpowered hardware that doesn’t feature a lot of the things their less expensive counterparts have (Blu-Ray players anyone?) it’s going to be a tough sell to say the least.

On the more techy side of things, I’m pleased to say that Nintendo might finally be on to something here. The replacement controllers might be expensive at $80 for a set (L and R Joycons), but it’s also pretty obvious that having more than one set synced at a time is not the way the system is meant to be played. The much less expensive Pro Controller is clearly the “couch co-op” controller of choice here. For the admittedly poor battery performance, the solution is actually a lot more simple than you might think. The system uses a standard USB cable to charge. Let me say that again because I’m just as incredulous as you are: The Nintendo Switch uses the standard USB type-C cable to charge. If you already have a phone that uses USB-C, you’ve already got a Switch charger. Worried about playing on the go? Bring a pocket charger and a USB-C cable. Take it to your favorite restaurant and plug in a USB wall adapter to the cell charger that nearly every place has now. That poor battery really isn’t that big of a deal and those chargers are going to be readily available from dozens of reputable manufacturers. That was great news to hear!

The system uses microSDXC memory cards, which is a standard memory card. Basically the same card that the New 3DS hardware uses. The only concern I have, and this is a small and nit-picky concern, is the question of memory limitation. A lot of devices have strange limits on the maximum size card it can recognize. SDXC tells us that it will work with cards AT LEAST up to 64 GB in capacity. But, might it also work with the 128 GB cards? What about the 200 GB cards? Larger? Who knows? This is one of the many tech missteps Nintendo took with that press release, and have still not corrected on their web page detailing what the system can work with. (Note: That web page is why I know it’s compatible with microSDXC specifically.) This will be needful information going forward and I hope we learn more before the system comes out in a little over a month and a half.

The launch lineup seems a little... sparse. My recommendation for any new game console is to have three to five games either readily available or shortly available to justify the cost of the system. Buying a game system for one or two games isn’t cost effective for anyone, really. (You’re free to reject that suggestion, of course. It’s your money.) But, the launch lineup I’m seeing doesn’t really offer a lot to work with. It feels like “The new Zelda game plus a bunch of tech demos”. That’s not a great feeling when looking at picking up a brand new, untested game system. Never the less, the upcoming titles do look promising. I’m excited to see a new Puyo Puyo game, even if it’s riding on the coat tails of Tetris to get there. (Some of my favorite puzzle games use Tetris to some extent, so this is not a bad thing to me at all. Tetris is awesome.) A new Bomberman game is exciting, but Konami has been so bad as of late that I’m worried about the game on principal. Arms is likely to be a huge internet joke for quite some time, but could also prove to be a good game. I expect it to be a flash in the pan party game that’s quickly forgotten. The controls just don’t look like they’re there, you know? Thankfully the system seems to be teeming with a variety of RPGs from several venerable studios. If you like those slow-burner games this could be a very good system. Plus, there are still rumors of a Mario and Rabbids crossover game in addition to a new Pokemon game, both of which are exciting for different reasons. People who remember the Sega Nomad and playing home console Sonic on the go might be more interested in the new offering, and it does look like it could be worth a chance. Which is more than I can say about far too many Sonic the Hedgehog games. (Come on, Sonic Team. You guys used to be better than this.) There are more than a few notable omissions from Nintendo’s list as well, and that has mixed feelings from me. Things like Mother 3/EarthBound 2 and anything related to Metroid not being there hurt a little, as well as Smash Bros., and makes me worry that either the titles are not going to be on the system or will take a long time to get there. Neither option is great for early adopters.

And finally, the big bugaboo from the event, Nintendo stepping into the realms of Payed Online Use. This is very much one of those things where it could either be the thing that saves Nintendo’s online presence or the thing that crushes the company. And I’m really more on the side of the former. When Microsoft introduced the concept it proved to be very viable, ensuring a much more stable network for it’s games and customers. When Sony finally bit the bullet and did the same, it didn’t feel great but they added the value of their PlayStation Plus to the mix, giving games every month to subscribers. That was effective enough to force Microsoft to follow suit. Nintendo has some big problems to overcome if they want to make this service charge successful. Offering free games every month is going to be a must, and as long as Nintendo gets their amazing catalogue of classic games onto the system fast enough they’ll have a great pool to pick from. I don’t expect them to do this, since they haven’t had a large number of games available at any time since they began offering the eShop with the Wii. This same issue could be even more troubling if they decide to offer rentals of whatever customers want. It would be great to offer that, but they need to have the library to support it first or it just will not be valuable. Next, Nintendo needs to offer reliable and effective online connectivity. Which is thankfully something I have not seen them have trouble with at any point in the Wii U’s life span, so this shouldn’t be an issue. I honestly don’t see a reason for Nintendo to change their policy in such a way since their online connectivity has always been exceptional, but perhaps they’re adding a service that would need some kind of payment option to make it viable. I’m just hoping it’s not a simple cash grab, since this would directly hurt the sales of the system if it’s not valuable enough. Or if it costs too much. More expensive system with the same cost for online play? Yeah, Nintendo won’t make any money on that if that’s the case.

Overall, I’m honestly still pretty positive about the system. I’ve just got a lot of concerns and the Switch Event didn’t do much to inform me, and in some cases actually gave me more concerns than I had before. But hey, who knows? Maybe it’ll capture the casual market again and bring in core console players and we’ll all enjoy Splatoon 2 together. To make early buying as effective as possible, pick up a USB-C cable plus appropriate USB adapters, a 64 GB microSDXC card (at least), and a USB rechargeable battery pack to go with the system. A carrying case for on the go use would also be recommended. Extra diligence in watching for thieves in the first few months is going to be a must I fear. And also the very real possibility of a highly limited launch window aiding scalpers will likely drive the price up, so be vigilant in not supporting these individuals.

Be safe, be smart, caveat emptor.

#Nintendo #Nintendo Switch #long post

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Fourteen

It’s been two weeks since I broke up with X. 

I’ve been wondering why I felt melancholic all day long and maybe I finally have my answer. 

Or maybe it’s simply because Mondays are ass whether you’re brokenhearted or not. 

My day was fine, I just felt kinda down all day. My mood lifted briefly while teaching my classes with my students saying random things that made me laugh, even though I could barely get a word in with my rowdy students. But I managed and even did well with prepping my lessons for tomorrow ahead of time instead of leaving it to the last minute. Of course, H had to kill my buzz by calling one of her random teacher meetings to nit-pick about a form or something in our department’s curriculum. I don’t mind that she nit-picks about how me and my colleagues do our work. But she always waits till the last fucking moment to make changes to things; naturally, it’s after everyone’s done hours of work on certain tasks and then she decides she’d rather have us do it a different way. So me, C and CI spent an hour and a half from 15:00-16:30 just redoing our student assessment forms so they looked exactly like those that the Korean-English teachers do. Never mind that the foreign English teachers and the Korean-English teachers have different textbooks and and teach different aspects of English learning. Of course, the way all teachers teach is exactly the same. We’re practically clones! 

It’s probably good that C, CI and I had to have a meeting about the changes we needed to make since I realised that I was teaching my fourth graders the wrong topic for their upcoming test. But it’s not a major issue; I’ll just teach them the right vocabulary tomorrow and go from there. C and I walked home and I bought a chicken burger and chips for dinner. I got an email about a potential teaching job at an English training centre here in my city. The recruiter who emailed me wants to set up an interview for this week. The only problem is that he wants to do a Skype interview in the mornings and afternoons when I’m at work and teaching my classes. So I’m trying to negotiate for a time in the evening for an interview. The recruiter hasn’t gotten back to me yet, so maybe that’s why I feel depressed too. What if it he gets put off from interviewing me just because I can’t meet him half-way? 

I decided to take my mind off of it and finally dragged my lazy ass to the gym after not going for more than two months. I’m glad I did because my workout went fairly well. I did a familiar set of exercises targeted at knee stability; my knees and lower back were hella stiff, but my endurance has gotten better. After that, I lifted a few weights and used the eliptical machine and the treadmill while watching Alvin & The Chipmunks on my iPad. 

My thoughts were weirdly on X while exercising. In the past, I got an egotistical kick out of exercising to look good for X, even though she used to say that I looked good no matter what. I don’t know, it just didn’t feel like we were broken up tonight. More like we hadn’t dated yet and I wanted to chase her and convince her that we belong together. I don’t know what I’m saying tonight. Maybe I just miss the chase or the honeymoon stage of a new relationship. A said something similar to me on Saturday evening when I was tipsy on soju; she’s worried and frustrated that she and her girlfriend have been together for a while and they’re not trying as hard now to woo each other like they did in the past. I guess that’s normal when you’ve been with someone for a long time. Still, I told her that she shouldn’t worry too much and that it’s more important to focus on the fact that her girlfriend loves her and that they have a mutual respect for each other. Passion fizzles out, but if you still have love at the end of the day, then I’d say you’re pretty damn lucky. 

I wonder if I’ll ever have someone go crazy over me and fall punch-drunk in love with me. I always seem to be the one who chases when I like or love someone. Even with my last relationship before X, I also broke up with my ex named KR and she seemed to get over me pretty quickly. She had a new boyfriend at least three months after we broke up and it took me 3 years to get over her. Who knows how long it’ll take to get over X. My feelings might fade quickly, but it might be harder for me to let someone in again after all the shady crap that X put me through. If only I had the stomach for a sexy fling in the meantime. But my problem has always been that I catch feelings too easily. I’ve never been casual about anyone or anything a day in my life. I’m worried I might legit elope with the next person I fall head over heels in love with. 

So I guess it’s better if I stay single for a while and just perv on hot people from a distance. Right now, my main focus is getting my finances back on track and saving again. Given my uncertainty about where I want to work and live next year and my landlord being such an unhelpful douche these days, I might need to put some cash aside in case I move to a new apartment or city in the next few months. I just hope something pans out on the job front soon. 

I’m glad I have my family and my friends rallying around me during this time of transition, both personally and professionally. Just a few more days till I get my next pay cheque; then hopefully I can buy a few things for my apartment, buy more medication for my minor health issues, have fun with my friends and mail X’s crap back to her. 

I hope my workout earlier tires me sufficiently so I can sleep well tonight. I’m gonna make some myself tea to soothe my acid reflux and then I’ll play more ‘Unchartered: Golden Abyss’ on my Playstation Vita before going to bed. Hopefully work will go well tomorrow and I’ll keep finding more and more reasons to be happy and feel like myself again. 

It’s like what Sheryl Crow says: ‘Every day is a winding road. I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.’ 

#breakupblog

[erinmariec]

Ch ch changes

I think about all the changes I’ve been through in the last year pretty often. I’m a creature of habit and while I’ve learned to mostly go with the flow, change can often throw me off. It can trigger me into a depressive or anxious state and usually throws me off any other regular routine in a way I can’t control.

Regardless of the instant chaos change usually presents to me, once the storm in my mind calms itself, it usually makes me feel optimistic and hopeful. It has me looking back wondering why I haven’t made those changes myself. It has me always questioning why I always think being comfortable is better than being happy. Those two things should be hand in hand, though they’re often not...especially for me.

In October, I got out of an 8 year relationship. Not my choice, as usual and everyone knows the story. What people don’t know is how terrible it actually was being with a person who never understood me. I feel like relationships are supposed to be trusting and understanding. Of course, what do I know. I have never been in a healthy one. When I dated him again, I wanted to. I thought about him on my own for 2 years while we were apart and when I realized he felt the same about me, I knew it needed to happen again.

And the first couple months were amazing. I thought he’d changed, we never fought. We made it work. I was so happy and convinced we would be together for the rest of our lives.

Then about 6 months in, shit started to be bad.

He broke up with me every time I was upset he broke a promise. Every time I presented him with too many plans. Anytime I went out with my friends and didn’t text him enough. He broke up with me because I was apparently boring at times. He broke up with me because I slept with other people while we were broken up for TWO YEARS. he broke up with me the day after my grandpa died, about a week before my birthday and I don’t remember the reason. He broke up with me because I was in school and couldn’t move to PA when he wanted me to.

It all went back to the way it was and it was worse. I couldn’t keep up with changing myself into the person he wanted me to be. Before when we broke up, I used to remain true to the idea that he was a wonderful person. I don’t think that anymore. After we broke up, he found me on a dating site and harassed me there and admitted to even stalking my friends he figured I was sleeping with because I’m a giant slut in his eyes. It was never like that. Never.

It took someone so close to me pointing out that was he was doing to me was emotional abuse to understand the truth.

So when he broke up with me, the final time, because I was in school and didn’t have more time for him, I didn’t even cry.

The change threw me off and made me start to consider all the things I’ve wanted, needed and have been missing all this time. My 20s were stolen by a person who didn’t even like me as a person.

I saw on Facebook recently this thing about a girl out of a 2 year relationship and that it’s the routine you miss, not the person. Well when your routine is not checking your phone all day because you’re scared of a fight or having a constant anxious feeling in your chest when they say they had a bad day because you know they’re gonna take it out on you. Having to add emojis in every text to ensure you don’t come off rude or snotty because texting isn’t a good indication of emotional state...when you have a bad day and you can’t even tell them because they think you’re selfish and they’ll find a way to make it seem like you’re trying to get attention.

When they tell you your anxiety is all in your head and you’re doing it to yourself.

When they tell you all your friends suck when they’re the ones that got you on your feet the last time they left you hanging.

When that’s your routine, you don’t miss it.

You figure out your new one and you don’t look back. Now I don’t compare everyone I meet to him in a way of missing him. I compare them in a way where I cut them out if they’re too similar because I never want to be with a person like him again.

I’m healthier and I’m free and I’m me. It’s funny when you realize how many people actually do like you for who you are as a person.

About two months ago, I lost my job of almost 6 years. Most days, I really liked my job so it was a change I was not quite ready for. Well, I liked the patients. I liked the providers most of the time and I liked most of the staff.

I didn’t like the micro managing and nit picking and complaining about menial things.

I didn’t like that new people made more money than I did and that in 6 years, I wasn’t making a dollar more than I had when I started.

I didn’t like that punching in at 8:31 Got you sent to HR.

I made myself so flexible at times. I would get calls at 10pm at times saying so and so couldn’t come in so go to this office instead. The schedule was always changing to benefit other people but when i spoke up about certain things, several times, nothing was done. When I was harassed by another staff member to the point of tears a couple of times, nobody did anything but if I answered the phone too abruptly or because my tone is whatever, rude, I was constantly in trouble for essentially being an asshole when I am not, I just speak to the point and don’t think I need to baby everyone around me.

Being laid back makes you seem unfocused.

I have a stomach issue and was yelled at for sometimes going to the bathroom too much but people were allowed to go home if they were too tired or had to clean out their closet. It was kind of insulting.

I didn’t get a raise this year. Was told I didn’t deserve one.

I was so over the place but so scared to leave. I was going to leave in the fall when I was done with school but I am in this weird spot where I am still a medical assistant but almost a nurse and I was afraid I wouldn’t get hired. I was kind of right. I had to decline jobs that wouldn’t match my old rate or dance around the subject that I’m incredibly close to a title change.

So i took a companionship job and I don’t know why I never left sooner. I am so so so happy. I’m working less hours and making more money. The money isn’t even a thing because I’m working with someone so special, I’m growing and watching her grow and helping her get through everyday. I really, really lucked out. I get to hang out and love two dogs. I feel trusted and appreciated and I am getting a really great experience for my future career.

My old job was eating me alive. I don’t know how I stayed there so long or why I didn’t leave sooner. I don’t miss it at all, especially being underpaid but also the constant anxiety of being picked apart for things I couldn’t control.

This is me. Fuck you if you don’t like it because I am finally at a place where I love who I am growing into without things holding me back.

My school also gave me a $5,000 grant so really, thank you for setting me free.

The changes that were out of my control caused me to adapt quickly and that 20/20 hindsight has me thinking about other things I may need to let go of that aren’t suiting me properly. It has me prepared to put myself before others when it is necessary. It has me understanding my worth. It has me knowing in the future that if my mental health is suffering because of something, I need to get out sooner because once that dust settles, it’s usually all for the good.

This is a reminder for myself really, to recognize when good changes need to happen and that no matter what, I will always keep swimming.

#justkeepswimming #personalern #personal #change #good #positive #growingup #keepitmoving