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writemywalks · 5 years

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Disenfranchised grief

Disclaimer: if stories about people passing triggers you consider NOT reading this post and I won’t be posting people’s name to protect their privacy.

I still remember that January night, me and my father were having an after-dinner chat on his bed. We were expecting a phonecall from the hospital, because that very same morning, we had visited my grandpa who was at the ICU and the last time, we saw him, he was having a hard time breathing. Me, sensing I wouldn’t probably see him again, I grabbed his hand, that moved as if he asked for help, kissed it and told him: “I love you so much granpa”.

Holding back my tears, and exchanching looks with my uncle and my father, we left the building with our chest full of anxiety.

I don’t know how but somehow the bed chat turned out in a self-talk about how much I wanted to see the world and how I felt I was fustrated with my life.

“I so wanna travel” I said repeating the same wish I always say when I hate everything

“Remember you have your second cousin living in NY, I can put you through and you may talk to him, maybe he’ll give you a place to stay” my dad answered me

“Not until granpa gets better or... you know” I said brushing it off “besides I don’t wanna owe nothing to anybody, if I ever visit him, I’ll pay him”

An hour later and my chest, mixed with expectancy and anxiety, we received a phone call at midnight, with a rain outside that seem to devour our house.

It was THAT phone call.

What we were expecting happened. And even though, I knew what was coming I remember crying a lot and awaiting for the funeral we were having the next day.

It was a very sad day. My another grandpa had tragically died, but I never had the chance to attend his funeral and when one of my closest friends died from cancer I refused to attend his, because I wanted to remember him how he was, full of life and totally devoted to the Lord. Therefore, this was my first experience seeing a dead body. The coldness of his body didn’t impress me, neither the fact that I would never see those deep blue eyes again, but I remember kissing him a lot and having a hard time breathing. It was like my lungs wouldn’t fit in my chest

On a cheerful sidenote, I remember meeting a side of a family I never knew before and the best of all, seeing people I hadn’t seen for almost twenty years. I remember being so glad meeting my dad’s cousin wife who would tell me anecdotes how I behave when I was a kid and how I would listen Xuxa non-stop.

We burried my grandpa and even though I was sad, I remember feeling satisfied that we have had the best holidays and that, that last year we lived for what it was: his last year on earth.

Weeks went by and then it dawned on me that now nothing held me back from chasing the world and my second cousin came to my mind.

I remember stalking him on instagram and thinking “wow, he’s all I ever wanted to be and he’s a (insert last name that represents a heritage of fustrated people), that’s inspiring”

My friend Florencia and I had been planning a trip together but our schedules and economic situations never matched. When she got the job, I quitted mine. When I was free, her grandma got very sick and so we always pushed our dreams forward.

Finally the planets aligned and I got a job as a teacher and we both set our minds to plan the trip, once for all and she had a destination fixed in her mind: New York. To be honest, I never liked that city. I’ve never been there but I feel it’s just Buenos Aires with a little bit more of glamour and people talking in English but that’s it.

But it sounded like a good oportunity to catch up with my couz and I liked the idea to spend the holidays with someone I would glued to when I was a kid and who had lived in the back of my house the first years of my life. I remember having memories of telling him to wait for me because I wanted to go to the drugstore with him, some memories of playing in the patio and some others, playing hide-and-seek and doing some shinenigans. I love stories of people meeting after the years, so I made a mind note to send him a message.

But I felt awkward, probably he didn’t remember me or worst, it looked like I wanted free housing, so even though I wanted to DM him, I told myself to tell my dad to put me through him. But then my dad had an arrythmia episode and all this trip planning went again back to second plan.

The doctor advised my father to slow down and stress less. When my dad got better and the episodes subsided, I always wanted to bring the trip idea but he always seemed to be tired and not in the mood to talk so, I was always like “Ok, tomorrow, I’ll tell him about it. He must be tired”

Weeks went by and I was always almost about to tell him about the trip but due to the long hours he would be working, all he ever do at home was sleeping.

Independence holiday bridge was coming so my parents took a trip to visit my my mom’s dad grave since she hadn’t gone there since she burried him, so they planned it all out and left that weekend to spending it outside the city. So I told myself one last time:

“The moment he comes back, I’ll ask me to put me through that kid. I definitely will”. So they left and I stayed at my grandma’s house since she also tagged along the road trip. It sounded like a nice weekend.

I remember taking care of my grandma’s pet and making the budget list for the trip we were planning with my friend. I remember going to bed very excited, singing some oldies song and talking a memory lane to 90′s tunes.

The following day I woke up at 1 pm. I grabbed my cellphone and started to check upon my messages, when I came across a message the left me speechless and made my hands to start shaking

“did you know (name) passed away?”

It sounded like a joke. I replied back “are you for real?”

“Yes, I just send my condolences to his mother, she must be devastated. He died in a 4th of July celebration”

Let me be clear, with all this build up to the trip planning it sounds as if I was frustrated that my trip to NY would never happened, but to be honest, this kid had been very present in my thoughts these last years, since I knew about him and I was really eager to catch up and see how we would get along.

A part of me wanted to help, but at this point in time, I was a nobody in his family and even though I wanted to do anything to bring him back home, I didn’t have the power to.

It took almost two weeks to bring him back home from the States and I remember binge-watching the last season of Stranger Things because I knew he liked it. The time I watched the last episode, I felt like I was saying goodbye to something that we would have enjoyed together and kinda connected me to him.

And this is the part when desinfranchised grief starts taking place. I remember once writing down

“My life is a series of desinfranchised grief events that nobody will ever understand” because my life is full of pains that nobody acknolwedge.

One of the most closest experience I had with it was my post-op. I never went back to the same girl I was before but everyone told me “be happy, you look better and you have no pain, it’s for your good”. But I was “Kid, I don’t fucking care, I wanna dance like I used to. Take this cage out of my body”

And here we were again. I sent his mother any help I could through my aunt but even like that, I wanted to do more but I also didn’t want to bother her in such devastating times. It was good I was on my own that weekend because I remember crying a lot about him. I remember my aunt showing me the last messages they had exchanged and he truly sounded as those magical people you would rarely get to know twice in life.

When my parents came back from their trip, they planned visiting his parents and since I didn’t want to bother I stayed at home. But when they came back hom, I had to rush to my bathroom to cry after my mom told me about how his family recalled how much he adored me, how he will always be spoiling me “always was giving you kisses” and “ I don’t think you would remember how much of an angel that kid was”.

The day of his funeral was devastating. I know some people say it is the same an anticipated death and a sudden death. But to be honest, having to burry somebody who loved life and had so many dreams yet to fulfill sounded as a destiny joke. We all cried over that mother who lost her kid and I felt really guilty crying bitterly in front of her because I wouldn’t stop, when if you really think about it, I didn’t have a reason to.

Did I have memories with him? Yes, but I barely remembered them

How long since I last saw him? Almost two decades

I hope I didn’t make his family uncomfortable because my tears were real because I realized that what I perceived about who he was gave me a little motivation to push forward my dreams and that’s what connected me to him, besides part of our childhood together.

Once his close relatives left the room, I took the chance to get close to his coffin. “So soon my angel, we weren’t supposed to meet again this way” I said stroking his cold face, just-cut hair and long gone spirit and I stood there for some minutes. I kissed my hand, put it over his cheek and went back to sitting.

Things like this make you realize that:

we don’t have promised tomorrow

it could have been me

live your life to the fullest

These last days my heart has been very heavy and there’s still so many questions about his death, which makes it all more surreal, unfair and unsettling.

One last thing, it’s still lingering in my head was my mom non-chalantly saying:

“Life’s funny, the most I hear stories about his life, the more I realize that he was the kind of person you always tell me you wanted to meet”

Yes mom. Life’s a joke,

Special prayers:

I ask you to keep his mom, dad and brothers in your prayers. They are the ones who lost a piece of their life. May God turned this tragedy into a Holy-Spirit filled purpose in spite of the neverending bevearement.

#scoliosis #grief #disenfranchised grief #prayers #4th of july #gone too soon #death #cousin #childhood #drowning #angel #heaven #dreams #stranger things #new york

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