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idontblushsrry · 1 year

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Request Headcanon

nuttymouthful asked: Uhh may I make a request for Ouran High School Host club? Just a headcanon for how the host would react to meeting someone how is a big time animal lover. (Like they pretty much live there life like the Irwin family)

A/N: I was thinking about how I’d write this and my brain just went ‘they lost their shit at the sight of instant coffee’, so uhh I hope this is to your liking. I tried to get as much animal variety as I could even though I didn’t really touch on marine animals that much)

Warnings: Like 2 swear words (pinky promise), slight drug mention(literally so small you might not even notice it), spoilers (minor) for Tamaki’s mom

Word Count: 1292

General

So this is under the assumption that like the Irwin family, Reader (or their family) has access to a wide variety of animals (from domestic to wild)

All of them respect the passion you have for animals

While they all might have various feelings on animals (see below), they can’t deny that you truly do love animals

Your family’s sanctuary focuses on healing injured animals and rehabilitating them so they can go back into the wild

Of course, your family has many sanctuaries around the world and some focus more on conservation while others focus on research

The one closest to the school focuses mainly on conservation and as such, is massive and functions like a zoo ( in terms of having people come in and see the animals)

Anyways, the host club is very supportive and often helps you with organizing donation events

Oftentimes, your family will collaborate with them and allow them to rent out parts of the conservation center for events

Aside from the conservation center though, your family owns a few ranches and farms (not for commercial profit, although yall have sold a few animals)

The farms and ranches are relatively small scale but they make great venues for the host club and a great place for getaways/vacations

Your main house is where you keep most of your favorite animals

You have an aviary attached to your room (connected through a hallway that connects to your room) as well as a butterfly garden in the backyard

You also have an aquarium tank, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 1 snake, and a hamster that visits on weekends

You had to be stopped at some point

Tamaki

Tamaki loves animals

He was never really around animals growing up because of how sensitive his mom’s immune system is

So when he sees that you’re an animal person, he’s super excited

Like this man is already planning playdates between Antoinette and your pets/animals

You love his enthusiasm, just one small problem

It’s a little too much enthusiasm

Yes the animals are well trained, but how would you react if a 6′0 giant with long arms came barreling towards you screaming showing its teeth?

So yeah, Tamaki tends to set the animals off/ make them nervous

Because of that he’s only allowed around certain animals (ex. certain monkeys, certain birds, etc.)

He’s happy that he’s allowed around some animals but he still pouts every time there’s an animal he can’t be around

Kyoya

This man

Kyoya does not fuck with animals. Like at all

The first time the host club went to your house, you were holding a hamster and Kyoya moved back about 10 feet

When you asked him what was wrong, he just said “Rats are carriers of many of the most deadly diseases”

You told him that you were holding a hamster and that while hamsters were rodents, the worst he’d get sick with would be salmonella

He doesn’t believe you, but yeah sure whatever

For Kyoya it just gets worse after that

The first time he sees you holding a tarantula, he loses his shit

“Look how cute it is Kyoya!”

“Get that vermin away from me!”

I could go on and on about how much Kyoya doesn’t like animals (even domestic ones like cats and dogs)

He hates going to your house, but he often has to go there in order to set up events for the host club, what a nightmare

While he doesn’t care for animals, the business side of his brain can’t help but think of a marketing opportunity

Mori

Is one of two hosts that are going to be chill about it

He doesn’t feel one way or the other about animals and thinks it’s cool that you’re interested in them

Only thing is; if Honey’s afraid of your animals, he will have to ask you to leave he won’t hesitate to step in “harm’s” way

Surprisingly though, that actually makes him the chillest with your animals

Much to your surprise (and Tamaki’s sorrow), the animals love him

He just has this calming vibe that sets the animals at ease

It also helps that he smells nice and is super tall

For most of them it’s like sitting on a giant tree

He’s not really complaining though, it makes his job of protecting Honey that much easier

Honey

Oh boy

He might actually be the worst with animals

It’s not even an issue of being unable to defend against aggressive animals (Honey could probably solo a grizzly bear)

It’s just he has a very strict “cute” animal policy that changes wildly depending on his mood, the temperature, the angle of the wind, the humidity, etc.

He’s very bougie when it comes to what animals he will tolerate and what animals he will refuse to see

The general safe choices are rabbits (especially bunnies), kittens, cows, tits (the bird species), and baby animals of almost every domestic mammal species)

Him and the hamster you see on weekends are best friends

Also, you have had issues with him trying to feed the animals sweets

Explaining to Honey why rabbits can’t have carrot cake was not an easy conversation, nor was it one you thought you’d need to have

Because of how specific he is about what animals he finds cute, you likened him to a crocodile (because of how sensitive they are to temp. changes in egg)

Needless to say...he was not pleased

Hikaru

So him and Kaoru don’t really care for animals but they try to relate to you in somewhat similar but different ways

Hikaru is always trying to get you to do/recreate stunts with the animals

“Hey Y/N, we should-”

“No Hikaru”

“You don’t even know what I was gonna say”

“No you cannot use the dolphins for hoop tricks, no you cannot teach the gorillas how to roll blunts, no you cannot “bribe” the koalas with eucalyptus...”

Yeah he’s a menace

It’s mostly all in good fun though

Hikaru doesn’t really care for animals but he does find it hilarious that the animals like him more than Tamaki

Also, completely random but Hikaru definitely send you those “horse-sized duck vs duck sized horses” memes

Kaoru

Kaoru also tries to use animals on the internet to relate to you, but he’s a lot tamer than Kaoru

Kaoru is kind of like the parent who learns one thing you like and is like “that’s your entire personality right?”

Poor bby is trying his best

Anyways, whereas Hikaru tries to recreate memes, Kaoru sends you them

They range in quality and format; from top text, bottom text to “is this a ____”

At least once a day, Kaoru will send you a meme or picture of an animal with a caption that says ‘this reminded me of u :)’

It’s so endearing that you can’t even be mad about it

Haruhi

Is the only other one who’s kind of cool about the whole thing

She’s really only been around animals in the park or the occasional pet store

Growing up, she didn’t really have the time (or money) to go to the zoo, that and the fact that Ranka doesn’t care at all for animals (she thinks they’re weird and gross)

When Tamaki hears this, he works himself up into a frenzy, torn that his “daughter” has never been to a zoo (even tho he hasn’t either)

But she likes the fact that you’re so passionate about animals

At heart, she’s a scholar, so she loves learning new things she didn’t know before, she could spend all day just listening to you talk about animals

Not to mention the fact that you’re basically giving her a free informational tour every time you see an animal

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stachestachestache · 5 years

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Caught Red-Handed -- Bucky Barnes

Would you be willing to write about like Bucky watching porn (maybe chubby!) and you walk in on him and because it’s a bit early in your relationship he’s a little embarrassed/nervous for your reaction, but you pick up right where the porno left off. Like if the woman is about to suck her partner off, you get down on your knees too!? Idk!

asdfasdfas this is like legit smexy timesssss

This is probs seriously 18+ so yea, proceed with caution.

As soon as you walk into Bucky’s apartment, you notice the absence of Bucky planted in his spot on the couch, watching whatever sports program is usually on when you get off from work. You had managed to finagle your way to leaving half an hour early; it was slow at the office and your boss figured he could handle closing on his own so he let you go. You excitedly rushed home, expecting to be greeted by your boyfriend. Even though you both were only a couple months into the relationship, something about being with him felt special. Bucky had given you a key to his place so you could come by whenever you wanted. Lately, you had been spending more time at his apartment than your own. It was home to you now too. Half of your wardrobe already sat comfortably in his drawers. Bucky planned on asking you to move in with him once your lease ended.

When you venture further into the apartment, you find the door to Bucky’s bedroom partially closed. Through the small crack, you find Bucky on his bed, laptop resting on his thighs and hand down his boxers, where you could see a visible tent. You wonder for a second if you’re violating his privacy but any debate about the ethics or morality of what you’re doing is soon forgotten when Bucky lets out the most delicious moan. His eyes are trained on the screen and when you strain your ears, you can hear a feminine voice gasping and moaning come from the speakers of the laptop.

Your eyes go a little wide at the realization of what Bucky is doing but you can’t seem to move away. You consider leaving and re-entering the apartment to give Bucky time to finish his business but when Bucky lets out another delectable, throaty groan, you decide to stay and watch the private show Bucky doesn’t know he’s giving you.

Your eyes are transfixed on Bucky pleasuring himself, your core getting wet just watching your boyfriend. Your nerve endings are on fire and you want to know what he’s watching; when Bucky lets out an unexpected gasp, you decide you have to do something to relieve the growing pressure and snake a hand down your own pants. At this point, Bucky’s pulled his cock completely out of his boxers, his strokes picking up speed. He brings up his knees, the laptop following his thighs upward and obscuring your view of Bucky and his cock. When you lean forward to get a better look, the door accidentally swings open and Bucky looks up to find you, face flushed and hands down your pants.

He’s flustered and embarrassed, pulling up his boxers and asking, “How long have you been there, doll??”

You look down towards your feet and answer, “A little while...”

Bucky notices your hand still down your pants and the awkwardness of the situation fades for him a little.

“Like what you saw?” he asks with a smirk. You nod timidly.

Soon he’s pushing his laptop to the side and jumping off the bed to walk over to you, using his fingers to lift your chin so your eyes are staring up at his.

“Gonna have to use your words, baby.”

Your mouth parts at his words, face flushing harder than it was before.

“Wanna see what I was watching?”

You nod again and follow Bucky to his bed, clamoring onto the soft covering on your knees. When he hits play, your eyes bug out even more than they had before. On the screen, a naked woman is on her knees with her hands tied to a bed and blindfolded. A man behind her alternates between spanking her and pleasuring her with a vibrator. After a couple minutes, the man simply begins to fuck the woman.

As you watch the scene play out, getting more and more aroused, Bucky is watching you with lust-blown eyes. Eventually you close the laptop and look up at Bucky, who stares at you as if you were a five course meal and he a starved man.

Bucky sidles closer to you funning his hand up your body, cupping your face and tucking your hair back behind your ear. He leans in close to whisper, “Wanna act that out?”

Bucky pulls back to stare into your eyes, making sure you want this as badly as he does.

You again nod eagerly and before you know it, you’re naked with your hands tied to Bucky’s bed with random ties he had managed to conjure up. Your eyes are also covered by another one of his ties and you’re sitting on your knees in anticipation, desire and want dripping down your thighs.

“We’ll start slow, baby.”

Bucky has one hand slotted securely around your waist and against your pussy, fingers occasionally slipping in to tease your clit and entrance. The first time his hand meets your ass, the sound of flesh hitting flesh is more dramatic than the actual force of the spank. Bucky rubs your ass a little before he picks up the pace.

With each spank, you get more aroused and soon your moans overtake the sound of Bucky’s hand on your ass. The spanking barely has any force behind it but the image of your red ass drives Bucky crazy.

He only gets about 20 in (he counts in his head) before he decides he can’t take any more. He finishes with a heavy one, which makes you groan in the most erotic way, even more arousing than the woman in the porn Bucky was watching.

His hand that is still holding your waist is three-fingers deep into you, rocking in and out of your dripping core. He pulls his thumb up to apply pressure on your clit and your knees give out.

“Please, please, please...” you beg.

“Please what, baby?” Bucky asks. You can’t see him but you know he looks cocky as fuck in that moment.

You hesitate for a moment and Bucky gives you another light spank, and you quickly respond, “Please fuck me, Bucky.”

Bucky doesn’t need to be told twice. In mere nanoseconds, his cock is lined up at your entrance and pushing in hurriedly.

The fucking is fast and urgent. Bucky’s been hard for close to an hour since he started masturbating. You’re equally as spent, having been close to orgasm since you started watching Bucky.

It takes mere minutes for you both to climax. Bucky is thrusting fast and hard when he brings his hand back down to play with your clit. It only takes two circles of his fingers for him to feel your walls clamp down on his cock. Once he feels you being to squeeze him, it’s over for him and he follows soon after, groaning and burying his face into your hair. As you both come down, he pulls up your face to plant a sloppy kiss on your lip and to undo the tie covering your eyes. As he pulls back from the kiss, he smiles at you in satisfaction.

Bucky lies on top of you for a couple minutes as you both recover. His cock softens and slips out from you, his cum dribbling out onto the bed spread. You’re completely spent and are barely cognizant as Bucky undoes the ties around your wrists, kissing your hands before clamoring into bed and under the covers with you. He kisses your forehead before he drifts off with you into a well-deserved nap.

Forgot to do the tag thing the last couple of times so here it is: @cchellacat @eurynome827 @buckmesideways22 @ifantasizeromance @book-dragon-13 @anastassimuse sorry if i missed anyone, im a little bit of a mess trying to remember who’s on this thing and how it’s supposed to work

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #sebastian stan #the winter soldier #this is pretty filthy i guess #but it was fun to write!

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actual-leia-organa · 7 years

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Huddy ofc but real huddy not the crap david shore huddy

Right @macsturbating apologies first up because you sent this before my trip and I just never sat down and answered it because I’m a lazy shit tbh but now Im trying to write fic and I’m stuck so you get this instead

((Also holy shit it got really long so I’m apologising in advance))

Who said “I love you” first - trick answer. House said it first, but Cuddy was fast asleep and didn’t hear him, and he’d never admit to it anyway, and was shocked at himself for it slipping out. He hadn’t said it since Stacy, but watching Cuddy peacefully sleep, curled up beside him, the words felt like the most natural thing in the word. The first to say it when both of them are awake is Cuddy, after tearing herself up for a week about whether she was ready to say those words and whether House was ready to hear them. Once they were said, he accepted it in his typical Housian way, no “I love you too”- not for a long time. And whilst they both knew the love was there, they weren’t constantly showering “I love you”s on each other, because that’s not how they operate.

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background - well, Cuddy would want a photo of them as her background, but would fight with herself as to whether that meshes with her ultra-professional-at-all-times appearance. And she’d have pictures of them- the two of them, as well as ‘family’ shots with Rach, filling up her camera roll, and eventually on display in her office, but I don’t think she’d ever have her lockscreen as a personal photo. Ditto with House- he’d think he’d gone soft, and that everyone else would also think he’d gone soft. Plus, the photos on his camera roll would absolutely be like terrible sneak shots of Cuddy asleep and half snoring, or her with smudged make up on a Saturday morning, or that time she split coffee down her blouse when she was running late, and a multitude of photos that would make her squeal House delete that! (Which she also screamed at him after he managed some sneaky lingerie shots, because, well, he’s House) As well as stacks of Rachel selfies when he’d let her play Fruit Ninja on his phone. And instead of having Cuddy/Him + Cuddy/Him + Cuddy + the Spawn as his lockscreen he’d select the absolutely worst photo he had of Cuddy to appear whenever she called him.

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror - well fingerprints make stubborn ass marks on mirrors and windows, so there is no way in hell Cuddy would be doing that. That’s purely a House behaviour, and one she tries to train out of him, because he’d shower and leave some dirty message on her mirror, and once the fog cleared there would be smudges on the mirror and that would be all she could see when doing her make up, and she would guiltily apologise to her cleaner about the “state of the bathroom mirror” but the tables are turned when they’re having some fun in the shower and she leaves handprints on the shower screen. Those she can smirk at, because of the memories with them.

Who buys the other cheesy gifts - more like who steals the other cheesy gifts, because its canon that this is House. Cuddy would stress herself senseless over gifts for him- he’s curated his environment, both at work and at home, and has very particular interests. There’s only so many vintage medical texts you can buy your significant other. She would only do gifts on significant occasions, versus House who would saunter home with a stuffed toy because it reminded me of you or to say sorry for the procedure I’m about to ask for. He would also buy the most amazing gifts for Rachel, to the point where Cuddy would worry he was outright spoiling her, only to realise that was how he would best express affection- he struggled to voice his feelings, was often physically distant, but with gifts he had no issues. On special occasions though he could give a perfect gift- perfectly suited to the receiver, and often a unique or sentimental object.

Who initiated the first kiss - this one’s a double hitter, because there were two “first kisses” in my mind- Michigan and Help Me. And Cuddy instigated them both (get it gurl). Michigan, she’d encountered the blue-eyed enigmatic genius in the bookstore, his eyes burning hers as he scanned her schedule and summed her up in 10 seconds. She’d followed him to endocrinology, he’d followed her to the party, although he’d never admit it. Greg House doesn’t follow girls. He especially doesn’t follow under-grads. But somehow he found himself at the party, where the music was terrible, and too loud, and the beer approaching flat and tepid. But when he caught the swing of her hips as she strolled through the kitchen it suddenly seemed worth it. And when she grabbed his arm on her way past, well, he was a sure thing. He couldn’t even tell you the first song they danced to, he was so entranced by watching her move. The musician in him appreciated how she seemed to just move with the rhythm, but the man in him appreciated how her hips swayed, how her hands felt as they left glancing touches on his arms, how her lips parted as she mouthed the words. But the beat slowed, and there they were, her hands resting on his shoulders as his hands settled on her petite waist. He could definitely tell you this song, its burned into his memory along with every move they made. As Time After Time faded into silence, his hands loosened and slid down to her hips, as her hands laced behind his head and pulled it down, as Cuddy raised up on her toes to press her lips to his. He could taste her cherry gloss, she could taste the cheap beer he’d been downing, but as they both leaned into it suddenly nothing else existed but them. He breathlessly asked her if she wanted to get out of there, and she felt full of daring when she replied “your place or mine?”. That was how they found themselves falling into Cuddy’s bed, half naked with clothes strewn around. And when he didn’t call the next day, Cuddy tried to act like it was nothing, just a casual one night stand, when inside she was mourning all that she’d hoped for. And so the kiss at the end of Help Me was Cuddy giving in, letting college-Cuddy try and realise her dream of a relationship- a real, grown up relationship- with Gregory House. But unlike college, where she roughly grabbed his head and smashed their faces together, this is an older, wiser, more experienced Lisa Cuddy, and as she reaches for his face she smiles softly as he leans into her touch, his stubble gently scratching her palm. She runs her hand through his thinning hair and he willingly lowers to meet her. It’s soft, and mutual, and a little hesitant, as if neither of them can believe they’re truly at this place, but each feeling like the twenty years it took to get there were totally worth it.

Who kisses the other awake in the morning - depends on your definition of morning. House’s sleep schedule is…the opposite of a schedule. He’ll stay awake for 3 days straight on a case, then sleep for 2. He’ll stay awake until 3am reading a journal article, be woken by Cuddy at 5am, then catch catnaps in the clinic. So there’s two answers here. If “morning” is any time after midnight, the answer is House. He’ll sit in the lounge, engrossed in the latest neurology journal, barely tearing his eyes away as Cuddy kisses him goodnight on her way to bed. He’ll finish the article at close to 3am, and slowly limp down the hallway, pausing in the doorway to watch Cuddy sleep, smiling at how she hugs his pillow in his absence. He’ll change for bed, and softly sit, leaning over to gently press a kiss to Cuddy’s lips, feeling her respond as she’s pulled from sleep, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him down to her. Once they settle in together, Cuddy’s alarm will go off at 5am sharp, causing House to groan as Cuddy stretches out like a cat next to him, always turning to gently kiss him, as if apologising for the disturbance. He’ll always respond, but then its anyone’s guess as whether he’ll fully awaken or roll over and snore within seconds.

Who starts tickle fights - House. He discovered in college just how ticklish Lisa Cuddy is, and the adorable giggle she lets out when tickled. He also kinda likes how it feels when she squirms against him and that exasperated “House!” she puffs out whilst trying to fight him. He’ll usually do it when they’ve been settled in together and he feels his distinct brand of boredom set in- which seems it coincide with every time Cuddy wants to relax with a BBC boxset. They’ll be on the couch, cozied up, an hour into the latest period drama, when House would slide his hand down her side and start to tickle just below her ribs. She’d push his hand away with an annoyed huff, but within 5 minutes it would be back, and she’d be giggling and squirming enough for him to get the other side. The only reason it doesn’t become a full out tickle war is that House only has one weak spot- the soles of his feet. And the one time Cuddy tried it she caused his thigh to spasm as he pulled away, making for a very sudden end to their tickle fight, and their entire plan for the evening. He’ll pretend to be ticklish for Rachel though, when she attempts to tickle him by poking at his ribs, something Cuddy is eternally grateful for- she loves when he plays along with Rach.

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower - well, House would never ask, he’d just barge in. Especially at Cuddy’s house, where the shower is spacious enough for them to get creative. So this one goes to Cuddy, who shyly asks may I join you? the first time she stays the night at his apartment, which he considers slightly ridiculous since they jumped straight into a bath together, and he tells her as much. She snarks back that she was being considerate of his leg since he was still dealing with the aches and pains from crawling around a collapsed building, and heaven forbid she think he mightn’t want an audience whilst attempting to get in and out of the shower, plus its more difficult for two people to shower when its over a bath (he doesn’t to think about how she knows that), but whatever, House, be offended over a simple request. He huffs, slightly annoyed at how she’s already making concessions for his leg (which seems to dig a bit more now that she’s his girlfriend, not just his boss), and sighs fine. come join me. I suppose you can catch me if I slip which triggers their first stupid fight, learning that they don’t hold back the punches when they’re both tired and sore.

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch - Cuddy, bringing House ruebens during the day when he’s caught up with a case and forgets to eat. On the flip side, House will order delivery to Cuddy’s office and wander down to join her when he notices her pulling overtime, coming to give her a break and needle her to come home with him. Wilson feels slightly put out when he realises that Cuddy has suddenly taken over the ‘feed House’ duties, to which House rolls his eyes and sighs, reminding Wilson that he’ll always be required, and he hasn’t been replaced.

Who was nervous and shy on the first date - House and Cuddy love to laugh over how they did everything in the wrong order. They slept together, then Cuddy adopted, then they tried a relationship, all over the course of twenty-plus years. Everything backwards, and no first date. House never asked Cuddy out, or vice versa. Which, when pointed out to them, neither feel the urge to ‘correct’. What they have works for them. They go out to dinner, sometimes driving there in separate cars from the hospital, sometimes just going for a drink, sometimes staying in and ordering take out. But the date that really mattered, the date that felt like a date, the date where a velvet box was burning a hole in House’s pocket, was the one and only time that Gregory House felt nervous. And it showed- Cuddy picked up on it in seconds, which resulted in throwing his whole plan out the window and he ended up proposing on Cuddy’s doorstep, not even making it to the restaurant- and they didn’t make the reservation as all, as once the ring was on Cuddy’s finger she pulled him into the hallway and they barely made it to the bedroom.

Who kills/takes out the spiders - both of them take care of insects. Lisa Cuddy isn’t the kind of woman to scream at the sight of creepy crawlies, and she’s lived alone long enough that she just deals with it herself. Same deal with House, although he has to take his leg into account if he’s going to attempt gymnastics to catch or kill an insect. The only time he’s banned from dealing with insects is when Rach is around, because he’ll catch it and turn it into a biology lesson. It took “and after copulating, the girl rips the boy’s head off, mom!” to implement that rule, with a steely look at House across the dinner table.

Who loudly proclaims their love when drunk - House didn’t need to actually be with Cuddy to announce to a whole hospital that they slept together, and it took Cuddy formally announcing their relationship to HR for anyone to believe him, but strangely House is always quiet about his true feelings, and even more so when it comes to how he feels about Cuddy. Sure, he’ll joke about her ass, and make crude jokes about their sex life, but the day Wilson confronts him with christ, House, you really love her, don’t you he can’t even lift his eyes from the floor as he nods slowly, swallowing heavily as he softly replies more than I’ve ever loved anyone. House quietly proclaims his love, hiding his deep feelings behind his brash and bravado. It’s Cuddy who, after one too many champagnes at the first hospital fundraiser she drags House to, who slurs loud enough for 90% of the attendees to hear, I absholutely love you, Gregry Housh whilst House blushes under his collar at her, stunned that she has no qualms with people knowing she’s chosen him, that she loves him. And as he drives her home, he softly asks, did you mean it Cuddy? Do you really…love me? and she rolls her eyes, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, putting her hand on his, meeting his eyes, and almost whispering, with the slight slur of champagne, I love you. It’s taken me twenty years, but I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, and I love you. House leans over to kiss her and is rewarded with a honk from the car behind them as he ignores a green light.

#house md #house headcanons #gregory house #lisa cuddy #this is terrible ignore me

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insecurities-ofthe-secure · 3 years

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Here we are again.

A lot has happened in two weeks. For the better, probably, but I still can’t feel it. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve felt much at all lately. For the non-existent audience reading this, here’s what’s happened:

1. I’ve moved out. Or at least, I’m in that process. 2. I’m fighting with what feels like everyone but my inner circle to get on some kind of disability or leave of absence because my physical health isn’t stable enough these days for it to be worth me working (even if there have been many days lately where I’ve doubted that and just stressed myself out more) and even if it was, my mental health is so far down the drain that I’m back to seeing things that aren’t there again. Which isn’t even the worst of the bad symptoms, not that I’ve shared them with any body. 3. Because of number 2, I have been actively thinking about quitting and hitting a hard reset on my life which is fucking terrifying 4. I’m fighting everyone and their mother to believe me and to try and get some fucking help. And I know I have a lot more support than I think I do but a lot of the people who are supposed to be supporting me have said things to me in the past that make me not trust them so now that’s all I think of when I do need to go to them for help and it just makes me defensive and angry and that certainly doesn’t help me either.

I’m just tired. And sad. And I keep thinking I get better or I am better but then it all just hits me again like a ton of bricks and I don’t know what to do about it or how to handle it because my brain just hasn’t been responding to anything. And my doctor doesn’t even want to do anything about it. As fair as she’s concerned, the mental health issues are a product of my pain so she’s refused to up my anti-depressants despite the fact that therapy is just a reason to cry for an hour and I’ve been thinking maybe a little too hard about the idea of my parents putting a lock on the outside of my door so I don’t sneak downstairs at night and play with knives. It’s bad. It’s really, really bad. And to top it all off, any time I am having a “good” day I just feel guilty because it feels like I have done and I’m doing so much to try and get better and make things work and it just feels so stupid and I feel like I should just be shutting up and doing my job and not making sure a fuss for everyone. I just feel so worthless. All the time. It would just be so much easier for so many people if I just stopped existing. My boss already wants me to quit and has given up on me so what’s the point in trying to keep the job? And things are getting better with Dani sure but I know I’ve caused her nothing but trouble and it’s not like she would take my side in this anyway if I told her what all of the issues were and it’s just a bridge that’s waiting to burn. And my parents are so tired. I see it. Mom’s stressed at work and her reccent lateral promotion might end up in her getting fired and my dad is in constant pain and yet I’m the one being a little cry baby about it. Even though I’m feeling better. Ish. Physically, anyway. And I just don’t know what to do. But I can see it. I can see all of the pain and stress I’m causing. And the last time I’ve actually contributed to anything was so long ago now. So what’s the point? What’s the fucking point anymore.

..... I knew I was having increased thoughts of self harm but by putting it all to words finally has shown me that instead I’m actively suicidal when the fog in my brain clears enough for me to address what I’m feeling. And my doctor doesn’t want to do anything about it and wants to give me medication that can also cause depression and mood swings even though I’m pretty sure my current medication is doing the same thing. And my therapist keeps trying to hold hope for me but I can’t feel like I can trust her anymore to actually help me when some fun gems of our session include “why are you so angry and tired, it’s not like you’ve been going through this for years” and “if you keep saying you’re tired you’re going to keep being tired” and “that’s definitely some heavy feelings you’re going through” like no shit that’s why I’m here talking to you because I want you to HELP ME. And I know that’s an unfair portrayal of our sessions because she does actually help but I just. I can’t feel it these days. I can’t. But I don’t want to stop therapy because then what the fuck am I supposed to do. And she’s just going to tell me that I have to feel and process my feelings in order to let go of them and get better but guess fucking what??? All I do is feel my feelings!! All I do is walk around in a dissociative haze finding any means of escapism I can actually get my mind to cling to and in the moments where I’m more coherent I’m either angry beyond all belief or openly sobbing!! And it’s been going on for over a month!! And my therapist has recontextualized it as grief and sure, that makes sense and for a little bit it was helping me be kinder to myself but I’m just so done. With everything. With my existence. And I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing is helping me feel better and I just want to feel better. I’m tired of feeling guilty all the time for feeling okay. I’m tired of not feeling at all. I’m tired of being in pain and sad and angry and alone. I still just feel so alone....

Even just the act of breathing feels like too much sometimes. All day today it was a conscious effort to take a breath in and breath out and it just felt like my body didn’t want to. And i can’t bring that up to anybody because they go “uh oh covid stay away” and it’s like no, I’m not having trouble breathing because anything, my body just DOESN”T WANT TO FUNCTION. My body is done. It’s decided to quit and just keeping myself alive takes attention and energy. And with all that I’m also supposed to do everything else? I have to fight for coverage from Manulife I have to fight my doctor to believe that it’s best for me to take a short term disability, I have to be careful of my words to everyone, all the time, because anything could come bite me in the ass and I have to document everything and leave a paper trail everywhere and make sure that I have it written down or get things in writing or whatever and my parents keep berating me for sounding like I’m okay and I’m sorry I sound okay, it’s because I’m trying to BE okay!!! BUT IM NOT OKAY!! I HAVEN’T BEEN OKAY IN A YEAR!!!! SO IM SORRY I WANT TO FAKE IT!! IM SORRY I WANT TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM FALLING INTO THE BLACK HOLE MY SOUL HAS BECOME!!! IM SORRY IM NOT SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS UNTIL IM LOSING MY VOICE!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

And Im just so tired. I’m in so much pain. In every sesnse. And I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t. And I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t think I really want to die because I love Z with my whole heart and I know how much that would hurt him and I don’t want to hurt him nor do I want to leave him but I just. I can’t anymore. I can’t. And I’m meant to be home to help make things better but it’s just one form after another or one carefully crafted conversation after the next meanwhile I just want to be able to BREATHE and feel like I’m not going INSANE but instead I can’t even have a very stilted, crafted, trying to be honest conversation with my coworker without someone saying I shouldn’t have done that. And it’s hit me today that even if being home is the best thing for me right now, it’s still not ideal because I understand that I need friends around me. I understand that I need to physically be with and see more people than my parents. But I don’t have anyone any more for that purpose. And that makes me scared. And sad. And continues to just make me feel alone.

There’s probably more to say and more in my brain but I just want to shut my laptop and curl into a ball so that’s what I’m going to do.

Good night.

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