#ames research center

[stuckinapril]

me stoically navigating my way through drama bc bigger things are ahead and it’s not my fault people are dumb

#kissed a guy at a kickback and thought we caught a vibe only to find out he just wants to fuck me. next #friend’s bf of 7 years drunkenly hit on me at the same kickback (I was not ok w this). they ended up beefing over me. he denied everything. #do I want to be involved in this? no. and so I simply ignore it and keep it pushing #and the guy I kissed is cancelled. like he is dead to me. so that’s also taken care of #it’s back to studying full-time for the mcat #going to the gym/taking walks daily #volunteering at the refugee center + clinic #getting published in orgo research papers #and trying to snag the opportunity to shadow doctors at a massive cancer research center. like I’d kill for it #december was such a mess but I’ve finally made peace w the fact that most of the stuff that happened I couldn’t prevent #but I’ve mourned it enough !! whatever drama comes out of it I’ll handle just fine #i literally want to be a multitasking academic weapon everyone is intimidated of this year #i am not letting something as puny as a dumb man (both of them btw) stop me. goodbye #also everyone involved is older than me (they’re both 23) but it all just feels like such high school behavior #this is not a euphoria episode like I’m literally just not entertaining any of this #had to get this off my chest. i feel better #p

[creacherkeeper]

say what you will about gender, money, time, race, borders, or any other enforced social construct ... NOTHING in the world is more made up than citation styles

#grad school gang join me in group weeping #sorry dearest students at the writing center no i DONT remember which style needs a comma before the year and which doesnt #i dont care i dont care *weeping* it doesnt matter i dont wike it #let me just sit with you while you read my essays and then i will take your hand and gently lead you to my sources as friends. maybe more. #feeding you my sources from my cupped palms #makes a moodboard for all of my sources with images full stolen from pinterest #anyway i feel normal and fine #i am being so brave about this 25 page research paper

[analog-television]

theres a unique level of frustration when it comes to searching up certain bugs and being bombarded by how they are PESTS and their main trait IS HOW THEYLL PERSONALLY RUIN YOUR LIFE so look at all these EXTERMINATION SITES TO GET RID OF THEM.

like kindly fuck off, please. let me search up local weevils without being told how awful they are to everything around us and how those "nasty acorn weevils do nothing but fuck over oak trees". i almost never see this level of hostility towards more charismatic species such as birds and mammals (aside from maybe rats), and i cannot lie its extremely jarring coming from the more avian side of animal enthusiasm.

i guess i just want more... neutral and unbiased search results for bugs? but man no wonder the average person thinks so poorly of bugs, even those who DO try to look up local insects are met with sites that encourage killing them.

#bugs #insects #weevils #rant #this shit bothers me so much as a liker of animals please i just want to do research on local fauna from time to time dghkdghk #theyre just existing it feels so unfair to lump an animal's entire existence into how they PERSONALLY BOTHER US #its a weird and self centered world view idk #its 3 am no one will see this but whatever have my rant tumblr

[astriiformes]

Sent an email to one of the professors I took a great history of science course with last spring asking if she'd be willing to serve as a faculty mentor for an independent study and/or undergraduate research project for both my degree capstone and maybe also part of my grad school applications and I am so so anxious and proud of myself at the same time.

#i actually have a research idea i'm really interested in and that some of the center for premodern folks told me sounded really cool? #but also i for sure had some mental health stuff while taking her course and i hope it didn't reflect too badly on me #i don't know i got three hours of sleep last night and have been doing so much research into phd programs #i am in a weird mood where everything and nothing seems possible at the same time #i just have to wait. and see if she gets back to me i guess

[p1nkb34n13]

When you (an expendable researcher) get assigned to SCP-3999 and regret it forever

#i love You talloran #researcher talloran #SCP #SCP 3999 #i am at the center of everything that happens to me

[just-rogi]

I’m fucking venting here bc I’m angry and don’t have anyone to talk to and I’m not sure if this is political correct or right or whatever but I’m fucking pissed - I’m a public school teacher who works in the inner city and this year alone there have been two shootings in my neighborhood involving students not dying school hours- and one student who went missing due to gang ties (they were found ALIVE a DAYS later) -

I’m fucking TIRED I’m FREAKED OUT and I’m ANGRY because I have to go into work tomorrow and I have to have that conversation with the kids during our SEL block because they will have questions and bc they are in middle school some will not know how to process it and will joke while others will be genuinely upset

and I feel nauseous thinking about the fact that my mother and four of my closest friends are all going through the same fucking shit as teachers at different schools right now- and my roommate who is trans- and unrelated to his identity is also kinda an asshole- has been shitting on me all night about how I’m not I’m danger like he is and how I don’t know his pain (and while I’m not making excuses I’m an openly gay teacher who works directly with the lgbt students and activly educated my kids on trans rights AND I work for a nonprofit organization that directly works to protect trans and queer rights and JUST LAST WEEK put out a video for our organization on antitrans laws - I’m not saying I fucking get what it’s like to be trans but Jesus fuck I’m fighting the fight for trans youth more than you are working at Whole Foods) why the FUCK are you quantifying suffering, why the FUCK are you lashing out at ME of all people, and why the fuck are you telling a public school teacher in inner city Boston that I have no idea what it’s like to be afraid- motherfucker I’m angry I’m sorry but why the fuck are you monopolizing suffering why do you think you have the right to talk to me this fucking way. I get you are scared but you work in Whole Foods in Massachusetts- the bluest state there is- )

there is no fucking cap on grief- sorry I’m upset at this as well but you saying it doesn’t directly effect me is just so fucking ignorant and suffering shouldn’t be quantifiable mf we are on the same fucking side why are you infighting right now (and I know this isn’t relevant and this is entirely unrelated to him being trans but god he is so fucking sexist- saying shit like I have no idea what it’s like to have my bodily autonomy at risk as if roe v wade didn’t get overturned THIS year???) sometimes it pisses me off like fucking sorry I’m being over emotional and overreacting to a school shooting as a fucking public school teacher GOD I should be allowed to be angry too in my own goddamn apartment-

you don’t get to sit on your high horse and say you suffer more than me and that I’m not allowed to be afraid ok I’m done I’m gonna go in tomorrow and make sure to hug my one openly trans kid extra hard bc I know they are suffering just like I know my roomate is suffering and needs a place to express his anger- I get I’m an easy target bc I’m a safe person to lash out at and I’m not telling anyone how to grieve and I know a lot of this is just knee jerk reaction to violence and anger- I just wish he wasn’t expressing it at the one fucking person who doesn’t deserve it, like fuck, the one thing people always say about public school teachers is that we have it TOO easy, especially the night after a school shooting

*Also fuck terfs and fuck anyone who is using a tragedy as an excuse to hate trans people*

#he keeps talking about how cis people need to do better #as if a) I haven’t talked in depth about my own gender identity and how I’m not entirely aligned with ‘cis womanhood’ as a lesbian #with a complexed identity #and b) even if I was cis (which in most cases it’s just easier to say that I am) IM THE ONE GETTING MY FUCKING BOOTS DIRTY HERE #IM THE ONE BRINGING IN BOOKS FOR MY QUEER KIDS WHEN THE LIBRARY DOESNT HAVE ANY #IM THE ONE ADVOCATING FOR CALLING OUR TRANS KIDS BY THEIR PREFERED PRONOUNS AND NAME #IM THE ONE GOING TO MEETINGS TWICE A WEEK TO ORGANIZE QUEER EVENTS IN RURAL AMERICA THAT PUT TRANS WOMEN AND DRAG QUEENS FRONT AND CENTER #IM THE ONE RESEARCHING LOCAL CIVIL RIGHTS LAWS ABOUT OUR TOWN DENYING APPROVAL FOR OUR EVENT ON THE BASIS OF CROSSDRESSING #NOT BEINF CHILD FRIENDLY (we are working on it dw we have a team on this ) #IM LACING UP MY DYKE BOOTS EVERY FUCKING DAY AND SHAKING HANDS WITH SISTERS WHO HAVE WATCHED THEIR FRIENDS AND LOVERS DIE- INCLUDING #A SISTER WHO WAS AT FUCKING STONEWALL #I’m not trying to pull the whole ‘I’m gay so I get it ‘ card bc that’s not cool when cis people do that shit #but I’m a fucking public school teacher- I’m allowed to grieve a fucking school shooting FUCK #god why are you fucking quantifying suffering mf you work in a grocery store your life and the lives of others aren’t on the line daily #^^that also isn’t a dig at his work - working in a grocery store is a fine career and he deserves a living wage and dignity #but also… there haven’t been 130 shootings at Whole Foods market in 2023 alone so maybe fucking let me be angry #god #i really hope this shit doesn’t get twisted I just need to vent #if you don’t like this just block me idc I’m not fighting anymore #tw school shooting #tw gun violence #tw gun mention #school shooting

[crystalkitty1220]

Might have to scrap a fic idea because I thought the panic that came with time moving too slowly or too quickly was a universal thing, but now I'm realizing I probably have chronophobia and the fic might not feel the same to other people. Don't want it to drag on or feel rushed if readers won't get the same kind of anxiety the character's getting.

#it was a camp camp jasper fic centered around the whole ''ghosts walk the island on the night of the full moon'' line #*new moon #in the fic jasper would *only* be there during the new moon #he wouldn't notice it at first but when he saw the seasons change to winter he'd start to realize that camp's been over for months #and what would only be maybe a year for him would be all the way up to the canon present for everyone else #actually now that ive done more research into the fer.al blood tundra lore #if i ever continue the fic i might rewrite it for ende instead since there's a lot more canon backing behind that #of course it wouldn't have the same plot points. so maybe two different fics? #the camp camp one more centered on jasper the possibly vengeful ghost. and a fer.al one centered around time. #. noticing the connections to fer.al im starting to wonder if that was subconsciously my inspiration for the cc one #but i don't even think i ever got that interested in the lore until very recently. after starting the fic. #im pretty sure my inspiration was just being very scared of the irene dimension from minecraft diaries #cause i had a whole conversation with echos about how i thought being in a dimension where time moves slower than the outside world #was a lot scarier than being stuck in a dimension where time moves faster than the outside world #using the irene dimension as my only example. #anyway it is 3 am and i am writing this to stop stressing about how my mom gave me one two days to #apply for and get my first job completely on my own without any help. #instead i spent the whole day trying to avoid That but unfortunately there is no way to avoid a deadline #so looks like i remain without a job. yay.

[stuckinapril]

There will not be a single moment next week in which I’m not running around doing something

#full time studying / volunteering at the refugee center / volunteering at two clinics #literally ab to have a meeting ab shadowing a doctor who’s researching ftd dementia in like 50 minutes #organic chemistry research 5 days a week bc ur bitch is trying to get published #hitting the gym 6 days a week. I’ll probably have to move it to mornings soon #meal prep #trying to snag a lowkey part time job #trying to read 30 minutes before bed #somehow have 2 fit a social life into this #I’m excited bc I finally feel like my time budgeting abilities are being put to the test BUT holy fuck . #studying will be my no 1 priority always. literally catch me doing anki cards in any pocket of free time I have #but I better live up to the challenge of juggling everything else too #ik I got this. and these are all things im choosing to do. not things I have to do #and I love being busy so it’ll be so fun #just had to be in awe for a second bc I used to admire girls who’re like this. and I am officially about to be one of them #p

[imagineagreatadventure]

Not sure if north Carolina would be a good choice considering it barely gets cold and the Atlantic is there.

But also i am with you on moving abroad, I would be so down with that too *hugs*

north carolina is probably on the list but I have too many relatives I'd like to avoid who live there ha. and it's a little too R-y for my blue state ass (i guess it's technically purple)

#one of the best things i like about where i am - my home state will literally punch dicks in congress and courts to maintain abortion access #i also have lived in a red state before and gotta say it's what made me into a progressive lmao #i'll probably end up in LA at this rate even tho the fires and driving are just a no for me #but i feel like it's where my next stop is for better or worse #i also do have to consider hospitals and research centers which limits me even further due to familial health sitch #which is why i wont be leaving for a while yet

[recurring-polynya]

I think its cool that you love Koga. Oddly, the reveal of him actually made me see muramasa in a different light. plus i felt bad for him with how Koga treated him.

The thing about Muramasa is: what the heck kind of non-evil activities is a person supposed to get up to with a sword like that? His power was causing shinigami to kill themselves.

I never see anyone talk about this so maybe it's just common knowledge, but Muramasa was an actual, historical swordsmith. You can read the Wikipedia article as well as I can, but the upshot of this is that over time, Muramasa swords evolved to have a pop culture symbolism as "evil blades", sometimes having the characteristics that if they were drawn, they needed to draw blood before they could be sheathed again, or that they had a reputation for killing their owner. They appear in everything from kabuki plays to Wolverine comics. They even have a TVTropes page.

Anyway, I am very firmly of the opinion that shinigami and zanpakutou are two parts of the same entity, so whether Kouga was such a bad apple that the shape of his soul was an archetypically evil blade, or if Muramasa cursed his owner by his own nature, I tend to think they deserved each other.

#i am very much not a scholar of japanese history or culture so anyone who wants can feel free to correct my details #i have spent Enough Time on this #tbh i hated muramasa's hot topic customer-of-the-month edgelord design #and wanted to fast-fwd thru every single second he and his gross fingernails appeared onscreen #also just because he had some intra-personal issues with his shinigami was no reason to cause problems for everyone in the gotei #for not one but TWO filler arcs! #i do also think it is interesting that muramasa blades' bad rep stemmed from the idea that they were used by anti-tokugawa rebels #given the very non-specific rebellion the vintage kuchiki flashbacks centered around #but i really do not feel like doing enough research to merit drawing any sort of conclusions about it

[writersraustin]

Christianity has infiltrated its way into every nook and crany of education.

#exvangelical #ex evangelical #Dont mind me just thinking on how to solve all problems in education in one night #Ya know just adhd things #:p #And no matter how much research i do i am consistently reminded how captialism and chrristianity are two heads of the same coin #And that coin is at the center of modern education itself #Stop privatizing education ffs #I literally went to to a private catholic college for a year ://

[multi-lefaiye]

hi hello hi may we hear about the fictional gay people in ur head

HI hello i meant to answer this last night but. well. y'know how it is with mental illness.

anyway

so the main fictional gay people living in my head rent free right now are arthur huffman and noah phan, the protagonists of my wip for we are both fragile things.

i have a LOT of thoughts about both of them and i'm honestly not sure where to begin, so i'll just talk a little about them both at the start of the story.

arthur huffman is a white, cis, gay man from somewhere in northern texas. he comes from an upper middle-class family that isn't quite conservative, but they're definitely... not great, and at the start of the story he's struggling with a lot of internalized homophobia due to how he was raised. his parents also walk the thin between "not outwardly abusive" and "not good loving parents". they love him less as a person and more as an investment for their legacy and their future.

he has some serious trauma and is terrified of failure, abandonment, and disappointing his parents, but he covers it all up with a sweet smile and a charming, easygoing attitude. even if he's not the most educated on a lot of social issues, he's very much willing and excited to learn and support those around him. arthur is very outgoing and loves to befriend people who look like they're having a hard time, just so he can try and put a smile on their face. if he can't make himself happy, he'd like to make others happy at least.

at the start of the story, arthur is 20 (almost 21) and a junior in college, attending the same university (which i actually still need to name oops) as noah. arthur has recently changed his major from engineering to communications, specializing in journalism. his parents aren't happy with him for that despite this being a great decision for his mental and emotional wellbeing, so he's trying to get back on their good side.

noah phan is an asian-american (specifically vietnamese), trans, gay man from somewhere in western montana. he comes from a rather small, but very liberal/left-leaning community and was raised by a loving single mom after his father passed away when he was young. noah has never doubted that his mother loves him, but he struggles deeply with his identity and the fact that his mother has suffered and sacrificed so much for him and his younger sister. he wants to be strong and support his family, but he doesn't know where to start, and at the beginning of the story he's very much fallen into the habit of pushing his own problems aside so his mother has less to worry about.

noah has a serious case of depression, and at the start of fragile things he has only recently realized that he is trans and is dealing with that. however, he is still very much in the closet, and he hasn't told anyone except a couple of people he talks to online through forums and such. he feels isolated and has trouble reaching out to others, which has made it hard for him to make friends. at the start of the story, he has a very small friend group, made up of his roommate nina, her ex-girlfriend emma (they ended on good terms and are still close), and a classmate named tina. part of him is happy with the small friend group, but he still feels incredibly lonely.

at the start of the story, noah is 18 (almost 19) and a freshman/first-year in college at the same university as arthur. he hasn't decided his major just yet and is overwhelmed by all the options, but he likes the idea of becoming a teacher someday, if he can. noah loves children and loves interacting with them, and he thinks he might make a good teacher if he can just get over some of his anxiety first.

arthur and noah meet in the spring semester of noah's freshman year, in an Intro to Sociology course. arthur notices noah sitting alone in the back of the room looking sad and nervous, and he decides to plop down next to him and strike up a conversation.

okay this got a little longer than i meant for it to, so here's a rapid-fire little list of facts:

noah's favorite music genre is modern rock, whereas arthur's favorite is (predictably) country. they learn to appreciate each other's music taste more as they get to know each other.

arthur has a really good singing voice.

noah actually dreamed of being an author as a child, but he doesn't feel like that's a realistic goal for him. he still writes in his spare time, though.

noah is taller than arthur. i need to emphasize this. noah is 6'1" (~185 cm) and arthur is 5'11" (~180 cm).

when they start the story, arthur has also recently broken up with his latest girlfriend, because yes i'm gonna go ahead and establish this but arthur definitely tried to date women because he was THAT in denial about being gay. he's still gay though, make no mistake.

noah knows logically that his mother would probably be, at most, a little confused but ultimately accepting of his gender. however, he's so determined to make things as easy for her as possible that he's terrified of saying anything. no i'm not projecting <3

arthur really likes pokemon, but noah doesn't understand it. cue arthur very excitedly and enthusiastically explaining pokemon to noah, who's nodding and smiling but still doesn't quite get it. (he very much gets arthur pokemon platinum for his birthday one year <3)

okay that's all. i love these two so fucking much <3

(also yeah, noah later changes his name to ink nikodemos by the time bleeding over eden begins, but he does so to distance himself from the trauma he experiences relating to arthur's death. because ultimately noah phan died with arthur huffman, even if it wasn't a physical death.)

#talk to the bunnykitty #bat time all the time #long post #this got so long i'm so sorry ASDJF;K #fragile things wip #ink nikodemos #arthur huffman #i might make a separate tag for noah but. he and ink are the same character. idk we'll see #also re: noah's race #i am white and don't want to tell a story that isn't mine to tell. so the story isn't going to center-stage #the specific struggles faced by many asian americans #i won't erase them. they will be discussed. i'm not going to pretend him being asian american isn't going to affect him #and i am doing research and talking to people in that regard #as much as i can #however! again i don't think it's my place to write a story About Being Asian. if any of that makes sense #not saying all of this to start discourse tbh i'm thinking out loud here #realize this could've been a separate post but idk #sorry for the mile long post and tags <3

[es-oh-bfo-em]

#A space shuttle model in a wind tunnel at NASA’s Ames Research Center #1975.