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belle--ofthebrawl · 9 days

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Belle you keep teasing us with the hell on wheels au and I am here to beg most politely for some tiny crumbs. What is this treat you have cooking up for us in your big big brain????

Well...the explanation is very long but basically Augh Motorcycle Helmets Big Sexy.

So it's just Vibes at this point but grew into something more, especially after @miasmaghoul posted about mechanic Cirrus fucking Swiss. I adopted that immediately into what is now known as the Hell On Wheels Au, the barebones of which have been rattling around in my brain for about a year but exploded with thoughts quite recently.

The Ghouls are a Satanist Biker Gang that fully leans into the aesthetic, party at bars and get into fights but during the daytime? They rev their motorcycles and stand in court rooms as kids testify against their abusers. They work in partnership with local community support groups, have domestic violence flyers up in bathrooms, even have their own local version of an Angel Shot called a Devil Shot where one will pick you up from the bar if you've been roofied and takes you to the hospital while another hunts down the lowlife who did it and gives them a little talking to. Violence isn't usually involved since they have a reputation but they're fond of saying they never forget a face. Interpret that how you will.

This all evolved from a Vibes Based Daydream I had where Dew's bike broke down so he had to be Ifrit's backpack. And when they pull up at a red light, Ifrit's old chapter leader Alpha is there and he tells Dew "Killswitch him, it'll be payback for (something completely fucking made up)" EXCEPT when Dew hops off and turns the key to shut down the bike, the light turns green and Ifrit hollers something at Dew before popping a wheelie and racing away, leaving Dew to sweat nervously in the fish bowl distortion of his own reflection in the helmet glaring down at him.

"Get on." Alpha says gruffly and Dew seriously contemplates running before Alpha revs his bike again and growls "you run and you're fucking out." Because their whole thing is facing consequences, right?? So Dew's his passenger princess and Alpha takes him out of town on a backroad to a tall grassy knoll where Dew thinks he's going to be buried and parks his bike.

He meets the bookkeeper, a hulking retired boxer known in his glory days as Omega and they chat as Alpha looms threateningly in the background.

Notes: Swiss and Ifrit ride 1000cc sports bikes whereas I'm going for a more classical, solid build for Alpha. Or a chopper. Can't decide.

"This is all I have." I said to Miasma, but it proved to be a lie as my brain is forever a hamster running desperately on a wheel.

Swiss harasses the corrupt police force (defroque is the sheriff's son??) with Ifrit and Sunny, they do a lot of night rides with no plates and lead them in goose chases after triggering speed traps. Drop a gear and disappear, baby.

Aether does a lot of charity stuff and mostly works with local food banks to be a one man Meal on Wheels (ok...yup. get it out) for elderly and disabled folks. He dreams of owning a food truck with his buddy Mountain but right now he's happy to show up to court with a saddlebag of whatever he thinks that little tyke might appreciate or need.

Mountain is the son of a local cafe owner Terra, who was quite the hell raiser in her heyday but now is content to enjoy her retirement with her partners, Ivy (agoraphobic landscaper) and Pebble (weed dealer). He has a sidecar he brings Rain and Zephyr to work in. Rain's got a fruity little scarf.

Aeon as the new kid in town working two jobs to afford a bike of his own, Imperator as a lawyer/ex pinup model because learning is expensive. Copia is her assistant/son determined to make his mother proud but also can't help but wonder why exactly she chose to work in this distant town and what her relationship is to that decrepit old man sitting in the park, feeding the birds from his wheelchair and seems to know an odd amount of detail about a certain tricycle, hidden away in the depths of the shed. Copia doesn't like talking to him. Nihil knows too much and yet, can't remember anything at all.

Aurora is someone who prefers to pedal around town on her old mountain bike, vlogging her downright dangerous escapades that make seasoned motorcyclists sweat (motocross? BMX? She just likes her old bike. She does delivery for local restaurants and is a living legend in delivery times. Aeon's also into free running/parkour/skateboarding and they have a friendly...? competition over completion times.

Cirrus restores cars as a hobby and is a mechanic with Cumulus, who specializes in paint jobs on top handling the books and stock. Swiss loves it when she fucks him Amazon style on her prize restoration car (model make and year TBD) and he tells her about this little delivery biker who popped a forward wheelie on the other side of a red light, did something complicated that involved walking on her front wheel and stepping on the pedals before setting the bike frame easily back down and pedalling calmly past Swiss. Cirrus knows her of course, but Swiss hasn't earned that knowledge yet. Or his orgasm.

Sunny works in the shop too as an apprentice.

Cumulus likes to flirt with Mist, who owns the local dirt track. "As much as anyone can own a dirt field." Mist says. She's a water-skier, wheels aren't her preferred mode of speed.

The Emeritus family crossed over from Italy sometime in the last couple centuries. Ask anyone and they'll tell you where the real power in the city lies, with the unholy Trinity of the three offspring. But here, see, that's on the down low, see? One of them has to be Papa Emeritus, that enigmatic and rarely seen figure, who takes care of people who put their faith in him and that's more than the local priest ever does. Funny how that church building gets fancier and fancier every year while Mrs. Abernathy down the street can't even afford her medical bills. You know they're holding a fundraiser to build a heated hallway from the rectory to the church because Defroque slipped and fell on the ice last winter and now he's whining about needing a safe path to the building?

Be a real shame if something happened to all that money. Can you imagine Father Jim slipping every Sunday? Not that he's stable any other day of the week, mind you. I get the feeling, those prayers retreats of his....Mmm. but that's just gossip.

Ah well. You know, this is a quiet little town when all those bikers aren't revving their engines. But there's stories to be found in it, if you're willing to wait and be patient. Good things, and all that.

#Hmm... that's about everything. did i overshare? perhaps. will anything ever get written of this? maybe. but now it's out there.#and now you know.#you know im waffling back and forth on allowing reblogs for this...this is basically the Lore Bible #but who knows if everyone's stories will be told in a timely manner. so...i guess you can reblog it.#for now.

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meetveronicablack · 3 years

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Keep your Lamps trimmed and Burning

Today, I ask all of you to burn a candle. Set the wick on fire and say prayers or whatever you do to connect with God or the universe. Yesterday, the Wright family lost their son. A baby boy lost his father. Siblings lost their brother. Friends lost a friend.

I need you all to find the will and energy to understand the situations at hand. A young man, lost his life at a traffic stop. Daunte Wright was pulled over for having an air freshener dangling from his review mirror. Everyone will argue that he shouldn’t have resisted. Well, let me ask you this: are you going to step out of the car when police officers tell you “you’re under arrest and we’ll tell you when you get out?” How is that professional?

Are you actually going to step out of the car when law enforcement doesn’t give you ANY reason or explanation as to why you are being arrested?! I’m pretty sure you all will say no. I’m pretty sure you all will ask for a reason until it’s “acceptable” but even then. Do you know how many people are placed in jail for crime they didn’t commit? But that’s another point for another day.

A study made by NYC and the Stanford Open Policing Project that black drivers were about 20% were more likely to be stopped than white drivers “relative to their share of the residential population.” It was also discovered that once black drivers were stopped, they were also searched 1.5 to 2 times as often as white drivers.

Numbers never lie. Unless you change them. So you tell me in light of the events of yesterday, how isn’t this a systemic problem?

I come to the conclusion that media will always lie to make the victims look like criminals. I watched a video of Daunte Wright’s mother explaining her experience of when he was pulled over. It was heart breaking to hear his parents talk about the LAST time they saw their son. Mind you, all of this happening during the trial of George Floyd. Do you see the red wound opening up again for the black community?

How can we can sit here and watch these wounds bleed, when we have the power and resources to make change possible. Yes, change and progress take time. But THIS is history. Black HISTORY has always been sidelined so that white history can prevail and be the “prosperous people of the future”.

They didn’t do shit but rape and pillage land. All Europeans SHOULD acknowledge and repair the damage done on history. Do you think anything has changed over the last few generations? No. It hasn’t changed because people, especially white racist people don’t want to take responsibility. They don’t want to acknowledge the past because they’re scared of losing power and not being in control. Racist white folk want to keep on being the powerhouses. And that’s just not it.

It’s all an illusion. White lies. To pretend that history is behind us. Yeah, tell that to Daunte Wright, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Abrery, Philando Castile, Sandra Bland, Eric Garner, Walter Scott, Michael Brown, Freddie Gray, Tamar Rice, Atatiana Jefferson, Rekia Boyd and the countless others. How many lives could still be breathing today if the system wasn’t against them.

Do you know or understand the deep mistrust with law enforcement and the black community. It wasn’t long ago, during the Jim Crow Laws, towns claimed themselves to be “sundown towns”. This meant that towns could use any means necessary to intimidate and harass black people who stayed in their town after sunset. Most of the time it ended in the death of black civilians. Half these harassments and intimidation tactics were made by white police officers. Killing for sport.

Black lives aren’t animals to be hunted. Yet, that is what history did. There are articles and archives with this documentation. You can look it up or learn about it in Lovecraft Country. So don’t sit here and tell me that racism doesn’t exist.

You have all the tools available for you. Books, documents, archives, movies, music, shows and people’s experiences to tell you about black life in America. So don’t say you didn’t know, because you do, but you choose to see what information is good enough for you.

No, this shit is rough. It’s beyond upsetting. It’s infuriating. It even makes you feel powerless at times. BUT ITS FUCKING IMPORTANT because black lives are at stake. Their lives matter! You use them and abuse them and them kill them without question or thought. White America is nothing but white lies and bloodshed.

America Strived to be the “land of the free” and advertised this to the WHOLE world. This land was never yours. And yet, you expect the rest of the world to bow and kiss your stinky gross white ass feet. No. Don’t get mad because you so called claim to be the all mighty. This is your consequence. People will make it clear how wrong you are, White America.

People aren’t stealing your jobs. You’re lazy and entitled and can’t do absolutely NOTHING for yourself without help. You complain about every foreigner and culture and yet YOU TAKE ASPECTS of all these cultures and say you did it.

Yeah, and what about the Native Americans? What about every population you forced out with diseases and religious conversion? Huh? You still have outcasted indigenous folk. You’ve done absolutely nothing but take from them and black people.

LIARS and MURDERS that’s what history is and it’s people. You can get away with murder and rape. You can storm through the capital without a scratch or bullet. YET all you do is cry like a child when you don’t get your way.

Don’t expect compassion for your sad attempts of understanding. YOU have the resources. DO THE WORK. If it actually fucking matters to you, THEN DO IT. Stop asking your friends in the black community about what to do or how they feel. Pay attention to yourself and make this place better.

As for the Wright Family: I am so very sorry you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to your son. I am so sorry you had hear your son last words through the phone. I am so sorry that no matter how hard you try to live a happy life, the system continues to be against you.

Your son deserves to be alive. He deserves to be with his son. He deserves joy and happiness and it was taken from him far too quickly. I know that words are never enough to take away your pain. But my heart is with you. My prayers are with you. I will send you all my forces and strength for this difficult time. I will continue to fight for every black life. I will continue to stand against hate. I will make sure people are educated and learn about the racism against black life.

To every black souls lost due racism and violence, may you find ever lasting peace above. 🕊

Links:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sundown_town

https://www.gofundme.com/f/dauntewright

https://www.nyu.edu/about/news-publications/news/2020/may/black-drivers-more-likely-to-be-stopped-by-police.htm

#blacklivesalwaysmatter #blacklivesmatter #justice for daunte #justicegeorgefloyd #justice #black lives are beautiful #justiceforelijahmcclain #racisim #inequality #justicedauntewright #daunte wright #justice for breona taylor #justice for black people #justice for black lives #blm

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fair-fae · 6 years

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Y’know, I’m not gonna name names or reblog the post made by some bystander who has nothing to do with this yet was dragged into it anyway thanks to these people. Years ago through some misunderstanding and honestly some fault of every party involved, some pretty nasty rumors and allegations started circulating about me. Those of us who cared to have apologized and made amends (or tried to) and moved on. But throughout it all, two tumblr users who are pretty popular in the community as all artists inevitably seem to be, despite not being personally involved, took it upon themselves to be morality police. They kept these rumors about me circulating and were most likely the platform that broadcasted them to the most people, with their own scathing opinions of me added in for good measure and some good ol’ blocking implored so I could not defend myself. Yet their reblogs and posts about me continued, as did the harassment I received. It got to the point I was verging on panic attacks and tears at times, and didn’t know what to do after I had already apologized for my part and made peace with whoever was willing to listen to me. It seemed like the nasty posts about me and the anons in my inbox almost daily weren’t going to stop and I started to wonder whether the end goal was for me to kill myself, unsub and delete my tumblr, or to abandon everything associated with me and start with a new identity that I could never let be traced back to me. I had already apologized both publicly and privately, I had removed most of the posts, I had blocked the people bothering me and stopped talking about it, the other person involved had even at the time given me her forgiveness, so what else was there for me to do?? But I stuck it through and fortunately, as usually happens, the drama died down, and my harassers all ended up on my block list, got bored, or maybe realized they were being kinda crappy. Life went on, and I had blocked the two artists I’ve mentioned here from the start. More and more blogs of theirs popped up--their XIV blogs, their personal blogs, their art blogs, their FC blog--I blocked them all on all my blogs to make sure they’d leave me alone. Obviously, I had no contact with them, aside from rolling my eyes on the sidelines when they got onto their moral high-horses after the harassment I’d received thanks in part both to them, and from them. And still to this day, years later, there are people who blindly believe those rumors, who won’t let me join their linkshells and Discords because of them, who won’t prevent or apologize for their FC members slandering me in Ul’dah’s /shout chat because “well I’ve heard that about you before, too =/”, even some people who know damn well the rumors aren’t true but have other beef with me, so they bring up those old rumors because they know it’s an easy way to target me. To this day, where I was once outgoing online, I’m now nearly as nervous online as my social anxiety makes me be IRL. I can’t approach someone I don’t know, who hasn’t spoken to me first or implied they like me because if not, what has this person heard about me, do they hate me, will talking to them lead to something unpleasant? Even on alts I struggle--what if they find out it’s me and feel deceived, what if they find out and want to drop all contact? I’ve become a wallflower thanks in large part to these rumors and it’s only by the grace of all you friendly and outgoing people I have any sort of socializing in this community outside the friends I’d already had. A couple years ago these two, ironically much like what happened to me, did some stupid things that I will give the benefit of the doubt were well-intentioned but ultimately backfired and ended in some ridiculous rumors that they were, I dunno, gonna fist fight Yoshi-P at Fanfest or something. Cue a woe is me post from them about all the lies and rumors circulating about them and oh no harassment because of them and “I don’t feel safe in real life now maybe I won’t even go to fanfest :( :( :(.” I don’t think anyone deserves harassment, but I also don’t have any pity for someone who’d invited the same upon me and felt no remorse. Even after experiencing the same thing they’d helped put me through, they had no apologies for me. In fact, as far as I know they still have me blocked, and I know for certain they still continue to slander me to others. So I had a good laugh at their expense, I admit. Not at the harassment, but at their hypocrisy and the irony of it all. I continue to have a little giggle most times they do something silly, which is pretty often considering they’ve made it a sport out of hunting for tiny “problematic” things in the game and community and trying to blow them up into huge social justice scandals but then turn around and take a “devil’s advocate” stance against things like the new Greed only loot rule for Alliance raids. And y’know, even after seeing it pointed out by me they were experiencing the same thing they’d done to me, they still didn’t take the opportunity to apologize after feeling the shittiness of that treatment firsthand. I was just another one of the “bad guys” spreading “lies” about them because I pointed out they’d done the same things to me. To get to the point of all this rambling, to this day, these two continue to take actions as extreme as removing from their FC and Discord anyone who they see having ANY contact with me whatsoever. Perfectly good and loyal members who’ve done nothing wrong, who couldn’t even first be given a warning about why I am “bad” and asked not to speak with me, just a straight up kick because “you associated with someone I don’t like.” I know of at least two people this has presumably happened to, and I don’t even know one of them! They weren’t following me, I wasn’t following them (nothing against them, I had literally never heard of them/their blog before--that’s how far off my radar they were), had never spoken to them, neither of us had any idea who the other was. So if someone tries to tell you who is “toxic,” maybe take a look at which party is mistreating others based on who they so much as unwittingly reblog tumblr posts from. You can form your own opinions about me, good or bad, but at the end of the day, if nothing else, I can promise I’m not going to cut you off because of who you reblogged a tumblr post from. Live your own life, be your own person, and don’t let anyone else try to control that. I’m sorry for anyone who’s faced this sort of treatment because of any contact with me, but I do firmly believe you are better off not being around anyone like that. Edit: also, feel free to come join my FC, we aren’t scumbags so we don’t care who you talk to, even if it’s these two losers :)

#ooc #discourse #i guess

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cherokeesunrise · 4 years

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Shadows of Humanity

Nationalism

Genocide

Infanticide

Child Abuse

R a c i s m

Sexism

Colorism

Human Trafficking (The New Slavery)

Forced Sterilization

Rape

Harassment

Theft

Thomas Jefferson on slavery in America:

"But as it is, we have the wolf by the ear, and we can neither hold him, nor safely let him go. Justice is in one scale, and self-preservation in the other."

We are at a pivotal time in human history in more ways than one. It is time for each of us to embrace our personal power and speak out against injustice. We are out of excuses because our shadow is crouching at our door.

Taking pride in your culture is not wrong. Each culture has accomplishments they should be proud of but racism goes beyond pride and seeks to destroy the lives of other people. It takes many forms. It looks like calling police on black people who are not doing anything you would call the police on if a white person were doing. It looks like denying a black child the right to the same level of education because you don’t think they possess enough intelligence or because you don’t want them to get ahead. (The intelligence one is a big one). It also looks like sitting by allowing other people to discriminate while you make ‘Now you know better’ faces at the other person. Acquiescing. Allowing. Still feeling you are the good one because you didn’t actually do the crime.

Racism in America translates into: “I am entitled to a happy life, and you are not.”

A Simple Truth Free Black People represent a Loss of power, a Loss of control. The persecution of black people seeks to regain that back.

There are 3 reasons for the level of racism in America that we have.

1. Fear.

*Fear of retaliation for all the evil things done to them.

2. Insecurity.

*Insecurity makes them believe they will lose Power if blacks gain power.

White power is Defined by black persecution. This is why black persecution persists.

3. Jealousy.

*When we are jealous of what other people have, we are not happy for them. Instead, we seek to remove it from them and retain it exclusively for ourselves.

This is a problem, not only in the white community, but of all humanity as we are ALL affected by it.

If we ignore it, no it will Not go away. Has it ever gone away?!? It will Not go away because people’s freedoms are attacked. Pretending it doesn’t exist or that only a few people are actually racist does not convince the people on the receiving end nor does it make you unaccountable.

It is important to view this as a human problem, a problem for ALL of us. Why? Because it is fear, insecurity and jealousy of white people that causes them to persecute and hunt black people. It is a cycle and until the cycle is broken, it will not go away.

I’ll spare you the details of how this planet runs in cycles but in relation to the human spirit, we can simply look at history. Pick a History, Any History. Anywhere in the World. At Any Given Time when people are oppressed, what happens? There is a revolt. It is the inevitable outcome that oppression of the Human Spirit Will Not Be Contained. Nature cannot be suppressed. It is not Human (or animal) to Want to Remain In Confinement. Every revolution in history is a testament to this, including the American Revolution.

We are human beings trying to survive on this planet so we are all in this together.

the Importance of Integration

"For here we are not afraid to follow truth, wherever it may lead, nor to tolerate any error, so long as reason is left free to combat it."- Thomas Jefferson

Integration can occur when we let go of the idea of different “races”. To help you understand what different races look like, think about the animal kingdom. We have mammals, reptiles, amphibians, insects.

The genetic makeup is different.

The mode of reproduction is different.

Some lay eggs, some have life births.

Some are warm blooded, some cold blooded.

Some can breathe underwater, others cannot, while some can do both.

You get the idea. The Animal Kingdom has different “Races”.

Among humans, any blood can be shared with another human, a heart can be transplanted into another, any two humans can procreate and create another human. We all give birth the same way. We all require air to breathe – no human can live underwater or underground without having oxygen piped in. These are known truths obvious to most people.

A human cannot receive blood from a hippo, nor can a human get a heart transplant from a penguin. But a white person can receive a heart from a black person. A white person can receive a kidney from a black person. A white person can receive blood from a black person. All these things will save your life. If this happens are you now “black” ? Are you still human? Are you now less human?

This means race is a Social Construct. Someone made it up. It is a socially accepted norm. So is the persecution of black people.

There are many social constructs that are detrimental to our very existence. The problem with all of them, including racism, is a bully versus victim mentality. In the case of American racism: White people are the bullies. Black people are the victims.

These elementary concepts are at the breaking point for release and the reality of the situation will set in. Remember Rodney King.

The question is often asked and averted: How can a black person protest in a way that white people will Not object to?

The question is never answered; nor will it be.

The reason is: There is none.

There is never a way for black people to protest that will ever be acceptable because black protests:

§ Deny the illusion that everything is fine.

§ Represent uncomfortable truths about white culture that white people do not want to accept. (e.g. white people are aggressive and violent, which is the opposite of black people are aggressive and violent)

§ Represent a threat against white power (e.g. white superiority and white privilege)

In order to deal with the dark side of humanity, behaviors that work against our own best interests, we need to address them one by one. The dark side has value but if wielded unbridled it will not serve our best interest and will work against us. (The same is also true of the good side.)

Racism – the good – taking pride in your culture and your way of life is a good thing. It gives us confidence and is empowering. Each individual should appreciate their own divine nature and what their particular culture has accomplished in the way of positive change that works together for the greater humanity. Individual and Together.

Racism – the bad – at the point where My pride in My culture requires that You cannot have pride in Your culture - this is where racism does a disservice to you and to the people around you because it creates tension, wars and you could be on the receiving end of justice served. Is this the kind of environment that you want to live in? Individual and Separate.

So How do we examine this? Individually. And then, each one, teach one. Individually, we need to be the change that we want to see in the world. Individually. We cannot wait for “everyone else” to change because WE ARE EVERYONE ELSE. Everyone else makes up “us”. Individual but we are part of a whole society. I bear the responsibility of checking my own self and reconditioning any behavior that I do not want other people to enact on me. That way I am not part of the problem; I am part of the solution.

And Enough parts make up a Whole.

We are all divine in our own rite. We are individually all unique and no one else has the power that you alone have. The problem is you have not embraced it yet.

This is a Time to move forward, to mature, to step into your personal power and accept yourself, your abilities and your humanity – without the suffering of black people to reaffirm that power. Because that’s what ALL biases stem from – the feeling of a lack of power.

If you embrace the power within yourself, you will not need to externalize your power to black people, or anyone else for that matter, and then constantly need to reaffirm that you are powerful by “proving” it – Calling the police on regular people sitting quietly by themselves or going about their daily lives or hunting black people for sport.

Not integrating turns people who do not think they are racist into tools of wickedness. The officer who killed Philando Castile - after watching the video footage, there is no doubt the murderer was in distress over the murder. Why did this happen? The officer murdered an innocent man in front of a 4-year-old little girl. Usually young children think the police are there to protect them and look up to the police, but what do you think happens when a child witnesses something like that? Who was the aggressor and who was the victim?

The callousness, the fear, the denial, that ensued afterward turned someone who, based on his reaction, was shocked by his own behavior. This is how subtle our shadows can be. It is not always so obvious to us. The officer did not necessarily set out to shoot an innocent man, As Some Do, but racist ideology played into his own psyche and caused him to murder an innocent man and then to have no regard for the remaining family that was with him. They sat them outside on the ground and handcuffed the woman, as if she had done something wrong.

Why Integration is Important for the White Majority:

Your identity and sense of self is implicitly wrapped up in the identity of black people. The slave mentality you wish on them, enslaves YOU as well.

Embracing your personal power will eliminate the NEED to overly concern yourself with what black people are doing every moment of their lives.

If you embrace the power within yourself:

You will not NEED to sabotage their progress because you are scared you cannot succeed if you don’t.

You will not NEED to pick apart their appearance, because you will appreciate your own.

You will not NEED to harass black men because you will have Confidence in yourself.

You will not NEED to diminish black women because you will have confidence in your own divine feminine.

You will not NEED to oppress black children because you are worried you children will not have opportunities.

You will have Nothing to Prove if you embrace your own personal power because you will Know that you are divine and no one can take that away.

You have to prove this to yourself because the only thing you prove to blacks is your perceived inferiority.

When you Embrace Your Personal Power, you will Not need to Fear, Be Jealous Of or Feel Disempowered by Black People.

You will not have to worry about why they wear their hair that way. You will not have to worry why they are jogging down the street. You will not have to worry about why they are sitting in the park. You will not have to worry about why they are barbequeing with their families. You will not have to worry about why they are working outdoors. You will not have to worry about why they are living their lives. When you do this, you are externalizing your power and represent the fear, the jealousy and the disempowerment that exists in you at this time.

Stop and ask yourself: In this moment, if a white person were doing the exact same thing, would I be on alert?

Questions that reveal your intention:

1. How can a black person protest in a way that I will not find offensive?

2. If a black person gets angry, is it the same as a when a white person gets angry?

3. Would I ever trade places with a black person, even an accomplished one?

#Blackpeoplearehumanbeings integration shadowwork partswork rodneyking philandocastile AhmaudArbory GeorgeFloyd weainthavingit Youwillnothave

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violetsystems · 5 years

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#personal

I didn’t really plan it but I woke up to a Lunar New Year parade full of lions and drums. If it sounds like I don’t plan anything when I travel, it’s mostly true. I have ideas in my head of why I want to go somewhere. Mostly it has been to get away from people back home. Both days I ended up hanging out with friends from Tumblr and real life I’ve known for years. I was sitting across from one of them when I got the call from the mayoral candidate. I felt like it was a huge relief to have this happening in front of a friend. I had been trying to explain what my life has become after all of this and there it was. Over Vietnamese noodles a block over from my hotel, I met up with another friend who works at Baohaus. I forgot he’d been following me for years on here and told me he had always gotten the impression I was a really genuine and kind person. My kindness has been used and abused over the years. Friday was my birthday. There’s more than enough years there for me to do the math. When I tell my friends why I came to New York, it’s fragmented in my mind. There’s almost too much drama to decompress from and every other minute somebody is trying to make me their own personal hero. Sometimes that can be ok. You would think that’s what I’d want to be to impress people. But most of what I’ve thought online and pondered over for years, I’ve put into practice for myself. People are always eager to see whatever magic show you perform on the daily. People don’t know what I go through in real time. That you can be sitting alone in a strange town on your birthday and the only person who cares is somebody running for mayor. That sounds bleak but it’s one hundred percent real. It seems like whatever invisible webs and tricks I play to prove some deeper point always gets hijacked. I could be writing on here for years and people have their own narrative of me. One day I’m problematic. The next my opinion on politics and Amazon is going to save the next economic crisis. All the while nobody ever asks me how I feel about all this. If I were to be true, deep down inside I’m not terrified. I’m exhausted. I came to New York because I am trapped. Trapped by everything I’ve done that nobody paid attention to for years. Trapped in some weird ban that nobody can explain on Instagram. Trapped in what looks to my friends here in New York in some sort of bizarre movie where I’m hunted every corner by some intricate spectacle. It is fashion week still. Street style is funny. Wearing undercover for years and nobody ever acknowledging why is bad too. The point of street wear was you wore it on the street and people would recognize what it meant. You could wear something by Rei Kawakubo and make a statement. Maybe you want to support great female designers who promote feminism without saying a word. Maybe you believed that people like Jun Takahashi actually cared that you’ve been harassed for years wearing his clothes. Maybe none of those people know you exist. The candidates for Chicago mayor seem to know.

I didn’t ask for anything when I started any of this. I desperately wanted to connect with someone. I spent days on end researching and reading about the clothes I felt comfortable in. Style is like that. Fashion is supposed to be a functional statement of your particular identity. Most people haven’t done anything to be seen. They walk around thinking people will pick up on the brand semiotics. That someone will talk to them like a human being due to sharing a common interest or manifesto. Most people just want to be seen and have no idea how to connect. Most people have nothing further to say. Nothing deeper to express. Which is why five hundred dollar non slip work shoes are probably so popular. When you think this deeply about everything it can make your brain hurt. Surrounded by people who see your talent for being genuine and want to use it. But are too weak to approach or acknowledge you. Or just plain overbearing and inconsiderate. For myself who has sat here in relative anonymity for years, I thought this was the performance. Years ago I had read that some of the assistants for Jun Takahashi were mistaken for homeless in London. They felt this meant the clothes were genuine. They had become something else. For me people mistake me for everything other than myself. For years people thought I was the police. People would talk shit about me and what they thought I was about no matter how much I would write on here. If you are always in the public eye, you can expect to be watching your back. I’ve never been a person who has been comfortable with fake sentiments. Never been one for placeholder relationships or social scenes where nobody listens and pretends that they care. People use other people so often without them being aware on either side. You can get caught up in the validation cycle and not know who you are outside of society or particular subcliques. No one has ever asked me what I do. Promoters from Russia still haunt my instagram. The Gramercy theatre likes my pictures of coffee at Blue Bottle that I still can’t comment on. None of my friends out here could understand why I’m in some literal cage. They just look on in disbelief and I look on in tedium. I keep saying that this is just the territory I have to get used to. I never wanted to be famous. I just didn’t want to be alone anymore. I felt like doing these things would help me connect with someone genuine who I could care for, love and trust. And day after day there is nothing but commentary. People talking about who they think I am instead of asking me. That’s pretty common. I’ve learned by now how to tell when people tune out or aren’t listening. You can’t survive in a country without English if you don’t listen carefully and plan your words. Some people don’t have to survive like me. Some people can just waltz through life and everything is set out for them. No matter how fake and unfulfilling that may be. I choose a different path.

I did actually talk about my personal life with my friends out here. It’s been something I can’t really elaborate on. Even when I talk about it I try to keep it vague. They always say don’t broadcast your moves. It’s hard when your account is completely hosed on Instagram. I found out I could check in places. That was safe enough for the community. But to this day I don’t know whether it’s retaliation for something I’ve done. I can’t imagine what I’ve done. What any of this is trying to prove. And why my life has been an increasing public hell since the summer. My friends agreed New York was a place you could remain somewhat anonymous. I don’t think it’s that simple at all. I feel like New York you can demonstrate your worth as a person. It’s the old “if you can make it here” shit. Except that out here it can be even worse. People think they know all about what you do. And the truth is nobody does except me. I know this because nobody ever approaches me with genuine care or concern about my feelings. And to be blunt my psychological state has been exhausted, frustrated and a constant assault of unfairness and hurt feelings. The world demands you to suck it up. Because better times will come. For me they just get worse. When I wander the streets here I like to think. I make connections to streets and paths to where I want to be. Every city has it’s own rhythm and speaks to everyone differently. I’ve been around the world for years and have the receipts to prove it. I don’t know that I feel good about it. That is until I really step back and understand where I’m at. I’m in a city that never sleeps by myself. I have friends here. More friends than I trust back home. And it’s hard to explain still to this day. If I came out here to be seen it was to be seen as normal. I don’t feel normal anymore. I wish I was. I wish it just wasn’t me fighting back all these prying eyes. People talking behind my back without any concern for my feelings. I feel completely alone sometimes. Exhausted by pushing the same boulder uphill for people who don’t appreciate it. And then there are moments. When I know it’s not just me in on this bizarre secret I can’t really explain. That secret is my fucking life at this point. And I’m faced with it every day for better or for worse. Maybe these days people think of me more as a Saint than what they used to think about me. I don’t know any Saints who are alive other than sports teams. I’m not an athlete. I train like one. I break down mentally on occasion from exhaustion. I’m the only one there picking myself up. People expect so much on top of that. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. Tonight I’m going to sleep. Tomorrow I fly back to Chicago. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t think I’ll know for awhile. And that is really something to cry about. They don’t want to see me crying on the street. It would break your fucking heart if you knew the truth behind those tears. Not a lot of people would have the strength to hold them back for this long. But a lot of people are nowhere near who I have become. They’d never put themselves through this much pain. They seem to rather watch me suffer. So maybe it puts it in perspective to suffer for no reason out in the open. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. I hope. I don’t know where else to turn. <3 Tim

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