#and also doesn't let Qui-Gon go there where he can and will start asking questions that are going to alert the sith more than they already h

[antianakin]

It's really interesting to go back and look at the Jedi Apprentice series and see just how well that series actually did at showcasing how Qui-Gon's trauma from Xanatos impacts him in a negative way. There's SO MUCH fear on Qui-Gon's end about causing another apprentice to go dark because he missed it the first time. He loved Xanatos so much and can't quite come to grips with how he MISSED all of the possible signs of Xanatos going dark which means it MUST have been his fault, he must have been the one who failed, because nothing else makes sense. And so he rejects all other apprentices, even one who desperately needs him, because he genuinely believes these children are better off without him as their guide.

And even when he chooses to take Obi-Wan on out of a sense of obligation and maybe a little bit of himself starting to return and listen to the will of the Force, he's distant. He doesn't know EXACTLY what went wrong with Xanatos, but he still blames himself, so he's just doing everything differently this time around. Instead of being warm and affectionate, he's more cold and aloof, withholding a lot of his praise and validation even when we can see that he's thinking it. And of course this has the effect of deeply hurting Obi-Wan who is already suffering from the insecurity over not having been chosen at all and a lack of understanding where Qui-Gon's behavior actually comes from. Obi-Wan, like Qui-Gon, can do nothing but blame himself in order to make sense of what's happening. This obviously isn't Qui-Gon's intention at all and he doesn't even realize he's doing it, but it is an undeniable effect of his behavior on Obi-Wan.

And then Melida/Daan happens and Obi-Wan leaves, but he also ultimately chose to STAND DOWN rather than actually fight Qui-Gon. He comes close, and then makes a DIFFERENT choice to Xanatos. And in the wake of leaving Obi-Wan behind, Qui-Gon is left to just think back over their brief relationship and see things differently. Because he DOES care about Obi-Wan, of course he does, his behavior was literally done specifically out of an effort to try to KEEP Obi-Wan from turning Dark the way he'd done to Xanatos. It was a massively misguided effort, obviously, but he did believe that this was the only way to avoid that particular outcome for Obi-Wan if he was stuck with Qui-Gon as a teacher.

And then Obi-Wan calls for aid. And Qui-Gon has to start to let go of that fear in order to answer that call. Xanatos would never call for help. Xanatos would never admit weakness or failure. With Xanatos, this would be a trap. But Qui-Gon never seems to even question whether Obi-Wan is being genuine, because he does recognize by this point that Obi-Wan is NOT Xanatos. Obi-Wan's reasons for leaving Qui-Gon on Melida/Daan are borne out of compassion for a people he connected to, not anger or hatred at Qui-Gon himself. So Qui-Gon sets everything aside and goes to help Obi-Wan and the people of Melida/Daan. He does his job. And even here, in the wreckage of their relationship, there seems to be a marked difference in how they interact. Qui-Gon is professional, but kind towards Obi-Wan in a way we haven't seen before. It seems like Qui-Gon might be seeing Obi-Wan for who he is for the first time.

And when it's done, Obi-Wan asks to rejoin the Jedi at Qui-Gon's side. Qui-Gon at this point recognizes the harm he's done to Obi-Wan and still believes Obi-Wan is better off without him, though perhaps for new reasons, but he also firmly believes Obi-Wan deserves to be a Jedi and agrees to bring him back to the Temple so he can make his case to the Council. He's not scared of Obi-Wan anymore, he's not scared that he'll turn Obi-Wan dark, he just isn't certain they're particularly well-matched or that the relationship can survive the damage he's already done to it. It's the beginning of mindfulness on Qui-Gon's end.

But when they return, things are a mess and it's not a good time for Obi-Wan to make that case of his to the Council. He tries, but the Council are understandably a little wary about Obi-Wan's motivations and commitment to the Order. Qui-Gon is preoccupied with Xanatos's attack on the Temple and cannot help Obi-Wan through this, but Obi-Wan sets his own issues aside to insist on helping Qui-Gon. He has nothing to lose, so he may as well do what he can. By the time Xanatos finally falls into that acid pit, Qui-Gon has let go. He's accepted Xanatos made his own choices and that nothing Qui-Gon could've said or done would have changed that. Xanatos is not Qui-Gon's failure. Xanatos struggled for reasons Qui-Gon never could've done anything about. He couldn't help Xanatos. But he CAN help Obi-Wan. He WILL fail Obi-Wan if he can't let go of his own fears and be the master Obi-Wan needs him to be.

And there's just such CLEAR changes in Qui-Gon over the course of just the first 7 books. From someone who just suffers under that weight of guilt to someone who cares really desperately about this child he's taken on and fears showing it to someone who is actually READY to take care of this child. He's not perfectly healed by any means, nor is their relationship, but the first steps have been taken. And the drastic changes in their relationship are there, they are clear. Qui-Gon is genuinely cold towards Obi-Wan more than once early on, so it's really easy to believe why Obi-Wan gets so caught up in the conflict on Melida/Daan and would choose to stay with them rather than go back to someone he believes doesn't truly want him. But because we can see through Qui-Gon's eyes, as well, we can see that Qui-Gon DOES care, he absolutely does, he's just TERRIFIED and covering it up with this distance he's put between himself and Obi-Wan. So when he starts coming around to Obi-Wan after Melida/Daan, it doesn't come out of nowhere. We KNOW why he's able to start changing his mind, we KNOW he cared before even if Obi-Wan does not. And he finally allows himself to begin to show it to Obi-Wan, in little ways at first, and then more as the relationship keeps developing into further books.

And it's just REALLY compelling as an arc because the series goes to great pains to show both sides of the conflict, the before and the after, and really emphasize what's going on inside these characters' heads so that the complexities of what's happening actually make sense and have a sense of direction. Qui-Gon is not a monster, but the hurt he causes Obi-Wan is still very real. Obi-Wan is not selfish, but his fears do cause him to make mistakes himself. They BOTH have to learn to let go of their fears and attachments before they can connect to each other in a meaningful way.

#star wars #jedi apprentice #obi-wan kenobi #qu-gon jinn #look this storyline CAN be done #someone who fears their own ability to train another person because of prior experience with someone who went dark #that fear causing them to fuck up what could be a good relationship #it's just sometimes it's done well and sometimes it's. well. not. #* cough * ahsoka and sabine * cough *

[kanansdume]

I've got a lot of complicated feelings on Jude Watson's writing in Star Wars, both positive and negative, but occasionally something she writes just... hits. And this quote? This fucking HITS.

This is from Secrets of the Jedi, the novel that discusses Siri and Obi-Wan's romantic relationship that has now been de-canonized. This particular scene is after their relationship has been discovered and they're breaking up in order to remain Jedi because they've been told they cannot do both.

But the line that hits me the most is Siri saying "I was so afraid of what lay ahead that I wanted to let go of my own will" because... WOW. Wow is that Star Wars to its core. That is literally EXACTLY what Anakin and Padme do in their own relationship, Anakin in particular. It's his FEAR of the future, even one that might not even happen, that causes him to let go of his own will and do things he KNOWS are wrong just to try to prevent it. Padme ignores a lot of her own boundaries and morals and better judgment in order to be in a relationship with Anakin. She lets go of the fact that Anakin makes her uncomfortable, she lets go of the fact that Anakin straight-up claims he's a fascist, she lets go of Anakin massacring the Tuskens. If we take TCW into account, then she also lets go of Anakin's possessiveness and sexist demands as well as the fact that he SCARES her sometimes and nearly beats a man to death in order to punish her for what he believed to be a lack of fidelity on her part. She lets go of a LOT of her own will in order to love Anakin.

And Siri asks the question afterwards, is that what love is? Obi-Wan doesn't have a response, but I think the novel does have a stance on the issue. It's a little muddied by a lack of understanding of what attachment is, but I think the answer within Star Wars itself is that this ISN'T what love is. This is what love can LEAD to if you allow it to do so, and it's not an uncommon thing to happen, but this isn't actually love itself. This is what ATTACHMENT is. This is the precise definition of attachment, this fear of what MIGHT happen to something that makes you feel good that it causes you to give up your own will in order to keep it and avoid the feeling of loss. But love is selfless, love is compassion, love is about letting go of your own desires in order to prioritize someone else's happiness.

And within this exact same novel, we actually see a perfect example of this kind of love, showcased through Qui-Gon and the way he feels about Obi-Wan. They're separated partway through the story and Qui-Gon is constantly thinking about how much he misses Obi-Wan and wishes Obi-Wan were with him, but he's capable of recognizing that their mission could save many lives from being lost and that's more important than his desire to be with someone he cares about. There's a moment where Qui-Gon discovers that Obi-Wan is in some kind of danger and he has to choose between trying to rescue Obi-Wan or continuing on with his mission, he CANNOT do both. In his thoughts, he recognizes that losing Obi-Wan would be devastatingly painful, equally as painful as losing Tahl had been, but he still chooses to continue with the mission because there are TWENTY lives on the line and his love for Obi-Wan cannot cost those twenty people their lives. THIS is what love looks like, THIS is genuine selfless compassion for another person. And nothing in the novel ever condemns Qui-Gon for how he feels about Obi-Wan or indicates that he needs to change or end his relationship with Obi-Wan, but it also doesn't shy away from showing just how deeply Qui-Gon DOES care for Obi-Wan.

And while I can believe Siri and Obi-Wan's feelings for each other were genuine, it turns into a selfish attachment VERY quickly. They nearly immediately decide to start living a lie and wanting to change an entire culture just so they can have something they want, despite the fact that Siri at least says that these rules exist for a reason. Their personal happiness becomes more important than anything else momentarily. They both claim that they'll be able to do their duty still, that they'll be able to balance both, but they're also both very ready to deceive other people who care about them in order to keep this thing that makes them feel good. The hurt they are willing to cause to others is small, but it's also something that could continue to grow and snowball into something more and more selfish. What happens when they can't see each other for a really long time and start to get desperate to find a way to be together? What happens when the lies start piling up and cause misunderstandings in their other relationships? The more they cling to each other, the more willing they will be to do the next selfish thing until eventually those selfish choices stop being so small.

This is what attachment does, this is the danger of that kind of love. It's not that all love is always like this, but just that this is an incredibly common thing to happen, especially in romantic relationships. Siri and Obi-Wan literally get to the point of losing their sense of self and their own will INCREDIBLY quickly because neither of them wants to have to make a choice because they're too afraid of losing either their relationship OR their status as Jedi. But, inevitably, they HAVE to choose. They would always have had to choose, regardless of how long the lie lasted or whether it was even discovered at all.

But love does not HAVE to be like this. Love does not inevitably steal your sense of self or your willingness to make your own decisions. It is absolutely possible to have a healthy love that does none of those things and this novel 100% shows that. Just because Obi-Wan and Siri's feelings for each other are genuine does not automatically make them selfless or free of attachment. And while I have my issues with this novel and the way it handles this storyline, including the fact that I'm like 85% sure that this isn't the intended message, I really like what it says about what selfish love can do to you and the way it subtly shows what true selfless love can look like.

#star wars #jude watson #secrets of the jedi #obi-wan kenobi #siri tachi #siriwan #attachment #attachment ≠ love

[ocd-kenobi]

tell me about obi-wan's gay ocd! (meaning what are his obbsessions? his compulsions? how does this relate to his sexuality?) i love your blog you're rigt about everything

Thank you, that means you're right about everything too!

Some of my Obi-Wan's OCD headcanons:

I think for large chunks of his life, he's high-functioning enough and so driven by self-consciousness that he manages his OCD well enough to hide it even from himself because it doesn't visibly take up enough time to disrupt normal life. As soon as he notices one of his compulsions being noticed and drawing judgment by others, he alters the behavior to be smaller, but the obseession-compulsion program is still running in his brain and taking up energy and time.

Lots of symmetry OCD, intrusive memories/thoughts, trichotillomania.

Like, maybe when he was ten while walking down a corridor in the Temple with his friends, one of them asked what he was doing and he realized his friends were waiting and staring at him. And he realizes that he's gone back three times to walk over the same tile because he stepped on a crack and he has to set his feet perfectly evenly within the tile now before he can move on, but he is also self-aware and insecure enough to realize that this is absurd. So he doesn't tell them. He clenches his fists with symmetrical pressure until they feel even instead and decides it will have to do even though he still feels the urge to fix his steps. But his friends don't notice he's being weird if he just squeezes his fists instead so that becomes his new ritual for when he steps on a crack. And he doesn't even really realize it aside from judging himself for being so fucking weird.

The name "Anakin" becomes a ritual for him. He has to say it so much, and at the beginning, he can't get the syllables to feel right in his mouth. He refrains from muttering it out loud, because that's weird, but he shapes his tongue/the interior of his mouth around the syllables repeatedly before saying it out loud and then after, too, until it feels right. He ends up saying it so much that he becomes a master of saying it the way that feels right. He says it the same way every time, equal time on all three syllables, first syllable stressed to offset the softness of the last syllable. It becomes his favorite word to say because it's a ritual he can complete and no longer takes up inordinate amounts of time.

Does this with bits of the Code, too. Will answer intrusive thoughts about what an angry, violent person he is with "There is no passion, there is serenity." But he has to say it perfectly evenly in his head. It takes dozens of tries to get it right, all in his head.

He had a thing about swinging his lightsaber an equal number of times (or until there's an equal nebulous weight-feeling) to right and left. The only OCD behavior Qui-Gon ever noticed, because it ate up some of their training time. He mentioned it. Obi-Wan immediately stopped. Started shifting his grip on the hilt evenly between his two hands instead, back and forth, forth and back.

Anakin notices this. Asks. Obi-Wan has to think hard to remember why, but he hates withholding information from Anakin. Ultimately, he honestly tells him he doesn't know why, it just feels wrong if he doesn't. I think Anakin is the only person close enough to ever be curious about any of this and ask further questions from a place of wanting to understand.

He grows a beard out because pulling head-hairs is too obvious, unprofessional, and feminine. Scratching a beard actually makes you look like you know what you're doing (even when you DON'T even know that what you're doing is half-consciously looking for that one perfectly textured and sharp hair-of-the-day to run your finger over and then let go of, catch and release.)

Not a head-canon, but there's a bit in Master & Apprentice where he tugs "nervously at his Padawan braid," then stops himself mid-tug because it "was a bad habit he wanted to break." He then proceeds to stroke his beard for the rest of eternity, especially in moments of uncertainty or stress.

So many intrusive thoughts about turning dark side. (Again, in books, has been known to just bring up this fear out of the blue.) He'll be trying to study Old Alderaanian texts or something, and he'll suddenly be attacked by a memory of that one time he snarked back at some bully instead of turning the other cheek. He'll replay the memory on a loop trying to find a clue that it meant he was going dark, or to Solve The Puzzle of what the Good Thing to do would have been to make that past, long-gone situation go better. Of course, if he told literally anybody (except maybe Qui-Gon who is fucked up about such things) that he was worried about going dark, they would be like "what the fuck are you talking about bro." And he doesn't even realize he hasn't made it past a page of Old Alderaanian text for the past fifteen minutes because he's been stuck on this puzzle until he looks up at the chrono and then berates himself for wasting time, what a Bad Person thing to do.

Textually: The amount of time he spends in the books repeating phrases as reminders or to analyze numerous potential solutions to past events is a big part of why I headcanon him as having OCD. Or rather, it's the ease and comfort with which he accepts this as a valid use of time. It's the way he is used to his brain functioning. He's never like, "Geez, why am I dwelling on this?" the way another character might, the way Qui-Gon does.

Meditation helps reduce his symptoms. They get better at times when he is better at meditating. I guess they call that getting in touch with the "Living Force" or whatever.

His symptoms get worse on Tatooine. His distress makes his obsessions seem "reasonable" because his brain has evidence now that he fucked up. Plus, he doesn't need to curtail his compulsions because there's no one around to witness him. He has worn down grooves in that cave with specific patterns of steps he goes over again and again until they're right. He spends hours a day bombarded with invasive memories of Bad Things he did that led to Anakin's ruin. Things like leaving his hand on Anakin's shoulder one second too long that one time. Maybe if he had lifted his hand just a second earlier. Or left it a second longer and turned it into a shake. Maybe if he replays the memory enough times he can Solve The Puzzle.

His sexuality fits into his OCD in the way that all self-hating gay people with the usual, legacy-variety fears of being a Predatory Gay will use whatever tools they have in their mental arsenal to self-recriminate. He pays more attention than most people to his own sexuality because it is a Different sexuality, and one that comes with fears of corrupting others. Laminates nicely onto fears of turning dark and hurting others. His OCD loves it all, will take all the food.

He has Gay OCD because he is Gay and therefore his OCD is, too :)

If Darth Vader kept him in subspace constantly then he would be cured :))

None of this is medical advice. I am not a clinician. I just have OCD and relate more to the way Obi-Wan Kenobi's mind works than I can say for almost any other character in my 30+ years of reading books.

If anyone else has ideas/headcanons to share, please add them! Or send me asks! I love talking about Him.

#obi wan kenobi #ocd things #of course I know him he's me #internalized homophobia #obi wan's darkside contamination fears #asks #you know what's funny is when you spend hours researching OCD because you think maybe having OCD doesn't mean you can speak with any #authority about it or maybe you don't actually have OCD and you were wrong about it so you shouldn't talk about it at all #and then all the articles you read to research tell you if you are spending time reading articles about whether you have OCD because you #had an intrusive thought that you were misdiagnosed #then STOP RIGHT NOW #so I stopped lol #here we are

[willowcrowned]

TCW Obi-Wan was trying so hard to be zen and NOT disappoint both Qui-Gon and his younger self any more than the whole "high general" thing already had, but then Anakin did a Anakin does, and... well. Kamino probably has facilities to hold Maul until they can circle back around to Coruscant, right?

The thing about Obi-Wan is that it’s less him trying not to disappoint his younger self and Qui-Gon (because, let’s be honest, he’s been thinking he’s a disappointment to Qui-Gon for the last twelve years— he’s pretty sure it’s a lost cause), and more that he really needs them to think him (a) competent and (b) not totally insane if they’re going to help him convince the council. So Anakin running off to rescue his mother, and then to Kamino is both good and bad.

The good part is that they’re seeing what he has to deal with on a daily basis (and while Qui-Gon himself is a bit of a wildcard, he’s not Anakin, so it is shocking for him), which at least gives him a little maneuverability when it comes to trying to explain, well, everything. The bad part is that he can’t control Anakin, which is a big mark against letting him be in charge— after all, that was pretty much his one job for ten years, and if he couldn’t handle that, what can he handle?

But all this, of course, is assuming that Qui-Gon and young Obi-Wan have any clue what in the genuine fuck is going on, which, well, they don’t. Obi-Wan has been reticent and Anakin (while he was on Naboo) dropped accidental hints, but not actually anything that gave them more than a sketch of the situation.

They know Obi-Wan trained Anakin, they know Qui-Gon died, and they know that TCW’s Obi-Wan and Anakin are in the middle of a galaxy-wide war. Even if Qui-Gon isn’t inclined to be forgiving (which I don’t think he is), that’s really just not enough information to work off of.

So you have this bizarre situation where TCW Obi-Wan is refusing to talk about his feelings (of which there are many) with TPM Qui-Gon or even TPM Obi-Wan, which creates The Most Awkward Atmosphere Ever, while at the same time the TPM gang is basically constantly trying to ply him for information.

And TCW Obi-Wan, whose explanation will be tied up in a lot of trauma he doesn’t want to relive, only wants to explain it once, to the Council. (He’s also very aware that telling Qui-Gon might not do anything for them. The Council is not necessarily inclined to listen to him, especially when the Sith returning feeds into his narrative about why they need to get the boy trained.)

So Obi-Wan needs to go to Kamino. He can’t leave Anakin there, because Anakin is a bit of genius but also more than a bit of an idiot. But he also can’t leave Naboo, because TPM Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are going to demand to come with him, and they can’t leave Maul unattended.

And they absolutely cannot bring Maul to Kamino, because the Kaminoans have a direct line to Lord Sidious, and if there’s one thing Obi-Wan wants to avoid, it’s giving Maul a flip phone with his Master’s number predialed.

Obi-Wan is in a dicey situation, and it just keeps getting dicier.

#that poor man #there's a solution there that doesn't leave Anakin on Kamino #and also doesn't let Qui-Gon go there where he can and will start asking questions that are going to alert the sith more than they already h #ave #but it requires that Obi-Wan trust himself #and uh #that will require explaining Emotions #so it's a rock and an even harder rock for him #phantom of the past au #willow's aus #star wars #star wars au #asks #phoenixyfriend #obi wan kenobi #qui gon jinn