#and b) i am completely tired of the entire toxicity thing generally | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

qqueenofhades · 4 years

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Re: the post you reblogged about Bush. I'm 21 and tbh feel like I can only vote for Bernie, can you explain if/why I shouldn't? Thanks and sorry if this is dumb or anything.

Oh boy. Okay, I’ll do my best here. Note that a) this will get long, and b) I’m old, Tired, and I‘m pretty sure my brain tried to kill me last night. Since by nature I am sure I will say something Controversial ™, if anyone reads this and feels a deep urge to inform me that I am Wrong, just… mark it down as me being Wrong and move on with your life. But also, really, you should read this and hopefully think about it. Because while I’m glad you asked this question, it feels like there’s a lot in your cohort who won’t, and that worries me. A lot.

First, not to sound utterly old-woman-in-a-rocking-chair ancient, people who came of age/are only old enough to have Obama be the first president that they really remember have no idea how good they had it. The world was falling the fuck apart in 2008 (not coincidentally, after 8 years of Bush). We came within a flicker of the permanent collapse of the global economy. The War on Terror was in full roar, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were at their height, we had Dick Cheney as the cartoon supervillain before we had any of Trump’s cohort, and this was before Chelsea Manning or Edward Snowden had exposed the extent of NSA/CIA intelligence-gathering/American excesses or there was any kind of public debate around the fact that we were all surveilled all the time. And the fact that a brown guy named Barack Hussein Obama was elected in this climate seems, and still seems tbh, kind of amazing. And Obama was certainly not a Perfect President ™. He had to scale back a lot of planned initiatives, he is notorious for expanding the drone strike/extrajudicial assassination program, he still subscribed to the overall principles of neoliberalism and American exceptionalism, etc etc. There is valid criticism to be made as to how the hopey-changey optimistic rhetoric stacked up against the hard realities of political office. And yet…. at this point, given what we’re seeing from the White House on a daily basis, the depth of the parallel universe/double standards is absurd.

Because here’s the thing. Obama, his entire family, and his entire administration had to be personally/ethically flawless the whole time (and they managed that – not one scandal or arrest in eight years, against the legions of Trumpistas now being convicted) because of the absolute frothing depths of Republican hatred, racial conspiracy theories, and obstruction against him. (Remember Merrick Garland and how Mitch McConnell got away with that, and now we have Gorsuch and Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court? Because I remember that). If Obama had pulled one-tenth of the shit, one-twentieth of the shit that the Trump administration does every day, he would be gone. It also meant that people who only remember Obama think he was typical for an American president, and he wasn’t. Since about… Jimmy Carter, and definitely since Ronald Reagan, the American people have gone for the Trump model a lot more than the Obama model. Whatever your opinion on his politics or character, Obama was a constitutional law professor, a community activist, a neighborhood organizer and brilliant Ivy League intellectual who used to randomly lie awake at night thinking about income inequality. Americans don’t value intellectualism in their politicians; they just don’t. They don’t like thinking that “the elites” are smarter than them. They like the folksy populist who seems fun to have a beer with, and Reagan/Bush Senior/Clinton/Bush Junior sold this persona as hard as they possibly could. As noted in said post, Bush Junior (or Shrub as the late, great Molly Ivins memorably dubbed him) was Trump Lite but from a long-established political family who could operate like an outwardly civilized human.

The point is: when you think Obama was relatively normal (which, again, he wasn’t, for any number of reasons) and not the outlier in a much larger pattern of catastrophic damage that has been accelerated since, again, the 1980s (oh Ronnie Raygun, how you lastingly fucked us!), you miss the overall context in which this, and which Trump, happened. Like most left-wingers, I don’t agree with Obama’s recent and baffling decision to insert himself into the 2020 race and warn the Democratic candidates against being too progressive or whatever he was on about. I think he was giving into the same fear that appears to be motivating the remaining chunk of Joe Biden’s support: that middle/working-class white America won’t go for anything too wild or that might sniff of Socialism, and that Uncle Joe, recalled fondly as said folksy populist and the internet’s favorite meme grandfather from his time as VP, could pick up the votes that went to Trump last time. And that by nature, no one else can.

The underlying belief is that these white voters just can’t support anything too “un-American,” and that by pushing too hard left, Democratic candidates risk handing Trump a second term. Again: I don’t agree and I think he was mistaken in saying it. But I also can’t say that Obama of all people doesn’t know exactly the strength of the political machine operating against the Democratic Party and the progressive agenda as a whole, because he ran headfirst into it for eight years. The fact that he managed to pass any of his legislative agenda, usually before the Tea Party became a thing in 2010, is because Democrats controlled the House and Senate for the first two years of his first term. He was not perfect, but it was clear that he really did care (just look up the pictures of him with kids). He installed smart, efficient, and scandal-free people to do jobs they were qualified for. He gave us Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor to join RBG on the Supreme Court. All of this seems… like a dream.

That said: here we are in a place where Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren are the front-runners for the Democratic nomination (and apparently Pete Buttigieg is getting some airplay as a dark horse candidate, which… whatever). The appeal of Biden is discussed above, and he sure as hell is not my favored candidate (frankly, I wish he’d just quit). But Sanders and Warren are 85% - 95% similar in their policy platforms. The fact that Michael “50 Billion Dollar Fortune” Bloomberg started rattling his chains about running for president is because either a Sanders or Warren presidency terrifies the outrageously exploitative billionaire capitalist oligarchy that runs this country and has been allowed to proceed essentially however the fuck they like since… you guessed it, the 1980s, the era of voodoo economics, deregulation, and the free market above all. Warren just happens to be ten years younger than Sanders and female, and Sanders’ age is not insignificant. He’s 80 years old and just had a heart attack, and there’s still a year to go to the election. It’s also more than a little eye-rolling to describe him as the only progressive candidate in the race, when he’s an old white man (however much we like and approve of his policy positions). And here’s the thing, which I think is a big part of the reason why this polarized ideological purity internet leftist culture mistrusts Warren:

She may have changed her mind on things in the past.

Scary, right? I sound like I’m being facetious, but I’m not. An argument I had to read with my own two eyes on this godforsaken hellsite was that since Warren became a Democrat around the time Clinton signed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, she sekritly hated gay people and might still be a corporate sellout, so on and etcetera. (And don’t even get me STARTED on the fact that DADT, coming a few years after the height of the AIDS crisis which was considered God’s Judgment of the Icky Gays, was the best Clinton could realistically hope to achieve, but this smacks of White Gay Syndrome anyway and that is a whole other kettle of fish.) Bernie has always demonstrably been a democratic socialist, and: good for him. I’m serious. But because there’s the chance that Warren might not have thought exactly as she does now at any point in her life, the hysterical and paranoid left-wing elements don’t trust that she might not still secretly do so. (Zomgz!) It’s the same element that’s feeding cancel culture and “wokeness.” Nobody can be allowed to have shifted or grown in their opinions or, like a functional, thoughtful, non-insane adult, changed their beliefs when presented with compelling evidence to the contrary. To the ideological hordes, any hint of uncertainty or past failure to completely toe the line is tantamount to heresy. Any evidence of any other belief except The Correct One means that this person is functionally as bad as Trump. And frankly, it’s only the Sanders supporters who, just as in 2016, are threatening to withhold their vote in the general election if their preferred candidate doesn’t win the primary, and indeed seem weirdly proud about it.

OK, boomer Bernie or Buster.

Here’s the thing, the thing, the thing: there is never going to be an American president free of the deeply toxic elements of American ideology. There just won’t be. This country has been built how it has for 250 years, and it’s not gonna change. You are never going to have, at least not in the current system, some dream candidate who gets up there and parrots the left-wing talking points and attacks American imperialism, exceptionalism, ravaging global capitalism, military and oil addiction, etc. They want to be elected as leader of a country that has deeply internalized and taken these things to heart for its entire existence, and most of them believe it to some degree themselves. So this groupthink white liberal mentality where the only acceptable candidate is this Perfect Non-Problematic robot who has only ever had one belief their entire lives and has never ever wavered in their devotion to doctrine has really gotten bad. The Democratic Party would be considered… maybe center/mild left in most other developed countries. It’s not even really left-wing by general standards, and Sanders and Warren are the only two candidates for the nomination who are even willing to go there and explicitly put out policy proposals that challenge the systematic structure of power, oppression, and exploitation of the late-stage capitalist 21st century. Warren has the billionaires fussed, and instead of backing down, she’s doubling down. That’s part of why they’re so scared of her. (And also misogyny, because the world is depressing like that.) She is going head-on after picking a fight with some of the worst people on the planet, who are actively killing the rest of us, and I don’t know about you, but I like that.

Of course: none of this will mean squat if she (or the eventual Democratic winner, who I will vote for regardless of who it is, but as you can probably tell, she’s my ride or die) don’t a) win the White House and then do as they promised on the campaign trail, and b) don’t have a Democratic House and Senate willing to have a backbone and pass the laws. Even Nancy Pelosi, much as she’s otherwise a badass, held off on opening a formal impeachment inquiry into Trump for months out of fear it would benefit him, until the Ukraine thing fell into everyone’s laps. The Democrats are really horrible at sticking together and voting the party line the way Republicans do consistently, because Democrats are big-tent people who like to think of themselves as accepting and tolerant of other views and unwilling to force their members’ hands. The Republicans have no such qualms (and indeed, judging by their enabling of Trump, have no qualms at all).

The modern American Republican party has become a vehicle for no-holds-barred power for rich white men at the expense of absolutely everything and everyone else, and if your rationale is that you can’t vote for the person opposing Donald Goddamn Trump is that you’re just not vibing with them on the language of that one policy proposal… well, I’m glad that you, White Middle Class Liberal, feel relatively safe that the consequences of that decision won’t affect you personally. Even if we’re due to be out of the Paris Climate Accords one day after the 2020 election, and the issue of climate change now has the most visibility it’s ever had after years of big-business, Republican-led efforts to deny and discredit the science, hey, Secret Corporate Shill, am I right? Can’t trust ‘er. Let’s go have a craft beer.

As has been said before: vote as far left as you want in the primary. Vote your ideology, vote whatever candidate you want, because the only way to make actual, real-world change is to do that. The huge, embedded, all-consuming and horrible system in which we operate is not just going to suddenly be run by fairy dust and happy thoughts overnight. Select candidates that reflect your values exactly, be as picky and ideologically militant as you want. That’s the time to do that! Then when it comes to the general election:

America is a two-party system. It sucks, but that’s the case. Third-party votes, or refraining from voting because “it doesn’t matter” are functionally useless at best and actively harmful at worst.

Either the Democratic candidate or Donald Trump will win the 2020 election.

There is absolutely no length that the Republican/GOP machine, and its malevolent allies elsewhere, will not go to in order to secure a Trump victory. None.

Any talk whatsoever about “progressive values” or any kind of liberal activism, coupled with a course of action that increases the possibility of a Trump victory, is hypocritical at best and actively malicious at worst.

This is why I found the Democratic response to Obama’s “don’t go too wild” comments interesting. Bernie doubled down on the fact that his plans have widespread public support, and he’s right. (Frankly, the fact that Sanders and Warren are polling at the top, and the fact that they’re politicians and would not be crafting these campaign messages if they didn’t know that they were being positively received, says plenty on its own). Warren cleverly highlighted and praised Obama’s accomplishments in office (i.e. the Affordable Care Act) and didn’t say squat about whether she agreed or disagreed with him, then went right back to campaigning about why billionaires suck. And some guy named Julian Castro basically blew Obama off and claimed that “any Democrat” could beat Trump in 2020, just by nature of existing and being non-insane.

This is very dangerous! Do not be Julian Castro!

As I said in my tags on the Bush post: everyone assumed that sensible people would vote for Kerry in 2004. Guess what happened? Yeah, he got Swift Boated. The race between Obama and McCain in 2008, even after those said nightmare years of Bush, was very close until the global crash broke it open in Obama’s favor, and Sarah Palin was an actual disqualifier for a politician being brazenly incompetent and unprepared. (Then again, she was a woman from a remote backwater state, not a billionaire businessman.) In 2012, we thought Corporate MormonBot Mitt Fuggin’ Romney was somehow the worst and most dangerous candidate the Republicans could offer. In 2016, up until Election Day itself, everyone assumed that HRC was a badly flawed candidate but would win anyway. And… we saw how that worked out. Complacency is literally deadly.

I was born when Reagan was still president. I’m just old enough to remember the efforts to impeach Clinton over forcing an intern to give him a BJ in the Oval Office (This led by the same Republicans making Donald Trump into a darling of the evangelical Christian right wing.) I’m definitely old enough to remember 9/11 and how America lost its mind after that, and I remember the Bush years. And, obviously, the contrast with Obama, the swing back toward Trump, and everything that has happened since. We can’t afford to do this again. We’re hanging by a thread as it is, and not just America, but the entire planet.

So yes. By all means, vote for Sanders in the primary. Then when November 3, 2020 rolls around, if you care about literally any of this at all, hold your nose if necessary and vote straight-ticket Democrat, from the president, to the House and Senate, to the state and local offices. I cannot put it more strongly than that.

#politics for ts #long post #anonymous #ask

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ask-artsy-oncie · 3 years

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So I’m kinda in a meh/apathetic headspace in regards to my mental health right now. Maybe it would be best to just let some thoughts out.

Firstly, I do want to apologize for making stupid, borderline inflammatory posts and throwing them out there onto tumblr dot com, I know that’s never the best course of action. However, I really, really do not appreciate anons sending vague “are you okay”s at me. If you’re not close enough to me where you can’t PM me (relatively) face-to-face, then I really wouldn’t like random inquiries about my mental health from you. Maybe it’s just because I don’t 100% trust anons (I’ve been here for a decade, I’ve seen some shit, can you really blame me?) but I think I ought to make myself clear on that. Are we clear on that? cool.

I don’t know... I’ve felt so lost and tired recently, moreso than usual.

I’ve always had a massive complex about annoying people, being too self-indulgent, not having good ideas or opinions or what-have-you. People who have known me for a while almost definitely know that. I don’t think it all necessarily exists in a vacuum, either I have a genuinely hard time coming up with objectively good ideas. Sometimes I’m just straight-up “head empty” mode. I’m also often really opinionated and sometimes intend to die on hills that people aren’t really meant to die on (or are even necessarily worth dying on). I can get way too wrapped up on meaningless things because my brain is too hyperfocused on this one thing, or maybe something I rely too heavily on for comfort is... I don’t know how to put it.... put at risk? Challenged? I have a lot of mental issues and real life issues, though I’m not claiming to be massively oppressed or anything, but I tend to cling to comforts a little too desperately. And I’m not just talking about like. Media. Just comforts in general. Sometimes I’ll spend too much of the day laying in bed. Sometimes I cling to old relationships or old forms of relationships or I constantly worry about the day I’ll inevitably no longer have the same relationships I have now.

I’ve known I needed therapy for a while now. I’m waitlisted and everything, but I need to go about actually choosing a therapist to see and I’ve been dragging my feet on that so I guess that’s my bad. I’ll get to it. Shit’s overwhelming, yknow?

Anyways I know I have a lot of these flaws and problems and I think my horrible anxieties about being too annoying and whatnot is just a really extreme form of self-reflection. Maybe. Not entirely sure. Maybe a therapist could tell me.

I get way too passionate, way too easily, and it’s almost always followed by a super intense period of shame, like, to the point where I’m desperate to isolate myself and destroy my relationships with other people, because then at least I’m actually trying to destroy a relationship by being a bad person, rather than someone leaving me for... I don’t know, being too happy? Caring too much? Talking too much? Just. Shit I have less control over.

I’ve tried putting a cap on it, suppressing everything. Trying not to indulge too much, trying not to be so happy and talkative, straight-up deleting messages I think might be too annoying the second I send them. Trying to be inoffensive through being unnoticeable. I’m trying to do that now, honestly. It’s why I joked about deleting my blog. All it does is hurt and make me go fucking nuts because I’m bottling up a lot in doing that, I know. I’m just not fully convinced I don’t just deserve to feel that way.

There are a lot of points in my life where I’m convinced that my best course of action in succeeding or keeping people from being put-off by me is to just sit down and shut up and draw what I’m told to draw. To just completely lose my agency in drawing. It makes sense, when you feel like you don’t have any good ideas of your own, you just illustrate others’. And there are many, many points where I have done this out of a place of love. Fuck, most of what I’ve drawn for Lolly’s writing has come out of a place of genuine love, not just for her work, but for her. A lot of what I’ve drawn for Bethany (for any REAL long-time followers reading this) has been like that, too. But there are also points where it honestly just feels like my only purpose is to be a tool through which others may visualize their whims. That if I dare inject too much of myself into things, they’ll be permanently ruined. And then there’s the shame I feel in having wanted to impart a piece of myself into a work - a demerit for being too selfish or self-important to deem my whims anywhere near good or important enough to be included.

I have so many ideas. So many opinions and thoughts and feelings and genuine insight that I’ve suppressed or deleted because I either feel like that’s what’s expected of me, or I’m straight-up told that my thoughts and opinions are bad and wrong. Like. Fuck me for having opinions on animated media levels of being shut-down. And you know, I’ve noticed something in the past decade of being an insufferable opinionated prick about things like that - that it’s actually easier for me to enjoy media when I’m allowed to be negative and critical of it. When I am allowed to just share my thoughts. And I don’t mean like, without being disagreed with, I mean like, in an environment where I’m made to feel like I actually can share these thoughts. When I can pinpoint and analyze what I didn’t like or what made me upset, it can be a lot easier for me to then move on and be able to focus on aspects that I genuinely do like. Like, holy fuck, it is SO much easier for me to pick-and-choose aspects of a certain sequel film that I actually like and feel comfortable saying I like than it was for me to do with the original, because I no longer have an incredibly toxic person in my life (or at least, in my life as much).

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had this kind of experience since then, like. There are STILL things I struggle to move past because I have been made to feel like I just can’t fucking talk about them without being insufferable (sorry if I’m overusing that word - it just feels like the best word the feeling I’m trying to describe) or just straight-up ruining something for someone I care about. Keeping shit like this in does crazy shit to me, for real, and there’s still a large part of me that tells me “Fuck you. Suck it up. None of this shit matters.” Y’know? Because in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn’t. And then there’s the shame that comes from having cared so much in the first place. It’s a fucking cycle. There’s some shit that’s just irreparable ruined for me because of this and that SUCKS.

I don’t like losing comforts. Fuck, I hate it, really. And I’m not talking about new comforts coming along and catching my attention as an old comfort begins to wane, I’m talking like. Destroying relationships, feeling SO MUCH shame surrounding a comfort media that it’s too difficult to enjoy it no matter how hard I try, or having too hard of a time disassociating a comfort with a horrible event or person. And it’s feeling like at LEAST one of these is starting to happen to me again and Good Gods it’s just. It’s so terrifying.

But who do I tell? When my primary worry is annoying or offending or hurting people? Y’know? I can’t just vent to one single person to this all the time, that isn’t fair. But it gets to a point where my brain tells me “No, you can’t talk to ANYONE about this because that’s rude and wrong and a true friend wouldn’t do that. There’s a reason why you can make any number of concerning posts, messages, private ramblings, whatever, and the people you’re closest to won’t ask you what’s wrong.”

And, yeah, honestly, I do think it’s true that the people I consider my closest friends won’t read this. I actually don’t believe the average person will read this, or at least get this far. I genuinely do just talk too much and it’s a lot for most people to deal with. Otherwise, I talk too little, and probably enter the “you should be able to read my MIND” level of expectations, which, of course, isn’t far. I understand, I swear I do, it just takes some time to come to terms with every time I get wrapped up in my stupid mental stuff. And I also promise that I try to give these people the same kind of response I want, y’know? I try to look out for any worrying behavior and try to offer an ear and help in any way that I can. I don’t think expecting the same in return is fair, I just worry about any of them being like me, and I’m willing to play to that if it’s necessary. I’ll break quiet streaks for that shit, y’know?

Honestly, these stupid quiet streaks are probably more unbearable for me than they are even noticeable for most people. It sucks. I just wish my mind was normal so I A) wouldn’t have these insecurities to begin with, because B) I would never end up exhibiting the behavior to warrant such insecurities.

There’s so much shit I want to talk about, to analyze, or explore, that I want to share with the world, or at least with people I love, that I probably never will because my stupid brain has already decided that all this stupid shit is better kept to myself where it can rot and be forgotten eventually. Which is fine, in the grand scheme of things, I guess, because I functionally have never really been the guy who comes up with ideas (at least, good ideas) I’m just the pencil, the one who I guess makes things visual? I can’t even bring myself to say “I bring the ideas to life” because that’s pretentious and untrue. These ideas are already alive because they come from brilliant minds.

I don’t even think it’s fair for me to call myself a character designer unless the characters are my own. Otherwise, I’m just following the directions of a much more competent conceptualizer (there’s a reason my characters barely have any... well, character). That’s the reason why I removed my unearned credit as the character designer for Ty from Swindle’s description, because I really don’t deserve that kind of credit. It’s why the asks about the designing process of Ty have been left unanswered, because, fuck, what do I even say? “I just did what Lolly told me to do, just like I did with all of Swindle. Please don’t give me that kind of credit, I know I falsely ascribed it to myself earlier, and I want to rectify that”? I guess I could have, actually, now that I’m typing this. But people always get fucking upset with me when I try not to take credit, even when it’s shit that isn’t mine!! So I don’t know what to do!! I don’t know what to fucking do!!! Because I just don’t fucking want to make people upset or unhappy!!!!!!!

I’m sorry, this post is too long and I’ve worked myself up and I’m no longer apathetic. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep so big win for my complexion, honestly.

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I guess getting this shit out of my system is probably best to do in a big tumblr post no one will read.

I don’t want anons about this. If I can just ask one thing. Please.

#do n/ot reb/lo/g #rant #vent #long post #probably won't delete tbh #i don't know it's the most competent i've been about weird mind shit for a while now #so maybe it would be best to just leave it

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i-growl-growl-growl · 4 years

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(Oml I accidentally clicked a button and everything I was typing is gone 💀💀💀) anyways for good ramen I always use buter so the seasoning mixes better uwu but that’s only if I drain the water :D as for the groups I stan Oml I don’t even know where to start!! As of now I stan Ateez, Oneus, NCT, Seventeen, BTS, Got7, Stray Kids, Day6, EXO, Shinee, Vixx, Monsta X, MCND, aaand A.C.E o-o jeez that’s a lot now that I think of it!!! How about you? :D

aww im so sorry about that, i hate it when that happens or when the app crashes! 😭 i never thought of using butter before, i’ll definitely try that next time i eat ramen!

also, i would like to say that’s a lot of groups, but i used to stan the same amount (if not, more) as you at some point during my time in the kpop fandom! but eventually from summer of 2019, i only focused on exo, shinee, red velvet, and nct and soon i dropped them all except for nct until april 2020 when i got sucked into the anime fandom! i still continue to write for them on this blog since i feel their yandere personas are completely separate, but i kinda snapped out of the kpop bubble when i realized how much of mental and financial stress it caused me.

however, i did start with bts right before their DNA era but first heard of them when boy in luv(?) was introduced through a friend! i didn’t take much interest into them at first until my mental health took a huge blow and i fell in love with how much they promoted self love and mental awareness. i pushed through my depressive spiral and became much happier so while i don’t stan them anymore, i still admire them greatly! i’m korean myself and grew up constantly being generalized as a chinese or japanese person and faced a lot of discrimination/racism, so i am very proud that korean culture has reached people globally!

during my years of being a kpop fan, i blew through so many groups and from the top of my head, i started with bts, then seventeen, got7, nct, monsta x, tried golden child when they first debuted but couldn’t get into them, day6(same thing, their songs weren’t my style tbh), red velvet, blackpink, twice, a bunch of soloists but especially hyuna and hyolyn, then i just became an sm stan so every single group or duo was stanned by me thanks to superstar smtown, a very brief winner and astro phase, mamamoo, big bang, g-(idle), gfriend, 2ne1, bol4, akmu... i could go on and on but i don’t want to clog up the dashboard :D but there’s a TON because i honestly got bored of every group at some point until i fell hard for nct. constant content?? like seven youtube channels?? unlimited members?? hilarious fandom with long term online friends??? beautiful, woke, talented people taking the world by storm?? SIGN ME UP!!!!

for a while i moved onto k-hiphop and kr&b for a change of scenery but came back to kpop.

eventually i just settled with nct and red velvet for a kpop group and alternated for music. oh! i just took a quiz to see how many kpop groups i knew out of 370 and i scored 99, so it’s a good chance that i’ve at least heard of the group haha!

but right now? i stan a grand total of zero kpop groups but proudly would drop to my knees for 2D boys. personally, there’s nothing wrong with being a kpop fan, but it just became overwhelming for me in the fandom and how scared i was about the next scandal. there’s no room for error in the industry and the toxicity was too much to handle after so many of the same ridiculous netizens/news outlets stirring up drama. i also got tired of the music and it just wasn’t my thing anymore, you know?

i still have soft spots for all the groups and considering that i only left the fandoms recently, i often keep up with basic news such as comebacks or my online friends inform me on the latest scandals (mainly around taeyong 💀💀💀). kpop has been such a huge part of my life so to leave the fandom entirely, something i never dreamed would come so soon, is a very big change in my lifestyle. i don’t have to stay up for comebacks anymore, no longer stream or vote, get into fights HAHA, nor do i have to try and stress over the newest “cancelled” star and worry about where my morals stand in these situations.

do you listen to any other artists anon besides kpop? for me, i’ve moved onto people like keshi, zedd, troye sivan, conan gray, niki, rich brian, (88rising in general haha), rini, and currently listening to melanie martinez! i wonder if you know any of these artists? if not, i can drop some recommendations and you can as well if you would like! 👀💓

love love love,

celeste 💞💞💞

#admin celeste #celeste chatters #food anon <3

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carry-on-my-wayward-meg · 4 years

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“When you ‘‘ ‘‘ wake ‘‘ ‘’ up ‘‘ ‘‘ about everyone’s abuse, ‘’ ‘‘ don’t say ‘‘ ‘‘anything’‘ ‘‘.

FUCK OFF.

I need to talk about the “First Virgo”.

It will be brief and objective because I don’t have time nor money. I am the poorest person after what all of you have done to me and was allowed to do to me with the excuse of “waking up”, “karma” and “payment” that I don’t own NOBODY, nor NO FUCKING ORGANIZATION on this Universe nor NOWHERE ELSE, nor NOTHING.

BRIEF.

Arround 13/14 years old, I “signed” (?) into a basic computer school. Six months basic courses. Shit. Basic Plus+Plus+Plus+Plus+. But interesting to me back then.

There were minors interns/trainees. People around my age.

There was a stupid card you and these stupid interns had to sign everytime you’d spend “idle” time in a fucking computer.

There was a person who used to sign my card more often than the majority.

His Jupiter is in Pisces. He’s a Virgo. Double Virgo. Yeah, no complement to the last phrase, “ ‘double virgo’ on the -insert chosen planet-”. JUST THAT. “Double Virgo”. It’s Mercury. THE DOMICILE.

He was/is moderately cuter than majority. But I didn’t necessarily notice it in any way special nor even consciously all the first times nor for a long time. He is/was a focused, moderately social person. Just enough. Back then, I was a little more inclined to notice little attention-seeker/popular/gay-like troublemakers.

One day, I don’t know what the fuck he had recently done, who the fuck he was previously and recently talking to, he got close to my desk, a little bit to me, to sign my card and I felt something (not necessarily about me) “from” him. Some part of him was open at that instant.

Today, after having met many people and knowing even if -very remotely- to recognize a few placements, planets in specific signs.

I know the sensation that I had, which then, I thought was unique from him, wasn’t necesserily unique, rather than the same sensation from close to everyone with the same placement.

It wasn’t the Sun. But obviously. It was Pisces.

Jupiter in Pisces.

That now I know how to recognize in a lot of people.

And too, regarding everyone with Jupiter in Cancer, feel very similar sensations between each of them.

I practically do/used to “fall in love” at first sight IMMEDIATELY to everyone with Jupiter in Cancer.

I practically literally am in “fucking love” with the “ENTIRE GENERATION” born in 1990.

For real.

Again. This bullshit sign isolating my life.

SCREW CANCER and most people with these placements, honestly.

I MORE OR LESS LIKED A PERSON WITH SUN IN LEO BECAUSE THEY HAD JUPITER IN CANCER.

B*tch, SUN IN LEO. ANY planet in this Cancer Sign is a fucking HACK ALL OVER THE STUPID MULTIVERSE.

They just want to get in EVERYTHING, IMMEDIATELY, as fast as they can, whether it’s a good idea or they are invited or not.

RAPISTS.

But moving on to Pisces.

Similar effects, too. Almost immediately. But Pisces, not all of them, but many, if a bit sophisticated, is respectful and tactful in a gracious way.

Thing is, Pisces. Water Sign.

I thought I was in love with him right at that instant.

And I was a little bit.

Moving on.

Turns out, he had a girlfriend, same name than me.

I absolutely despised my name. Still do enough. Almost sorta thought was the source of unhapiness in my life. After that information, some effect that specific types of sound/fonetics have on people, maybe he wouldn’t have the same opinion as me about it.

Maybe he would’ve liked me.

What a “coincidence”.

But already predicting you people. No. I’m not “the one”. I’m not what comes “after” her.

But the opposite. Now I know. That now I think she still would’ve completed him more than I would.

After seeing her once, I have met a few people who gave me a close sensation that she did. And I don’t know. I think her Sun was in Pisces. And Pisces is more or less one of the “opposites” of Virgo too.

Back then, I used to hang out A LOT with a girl with Sun in Pisces.

Usually, “soulmates”, “The One” for something, whoever is supposed to be doing something somewhere, is supposed to be THE JUNCTION of many things that have been experienced previously, and worked partially, but not completely, lacking something, prior to the meeting of that “person”, now, complete, in ONE.

The JUNCTION of them.

I wasn’t “after” her. Me and the Pisces Girl WERE the “Junction” of her.

Months later, unrelated, I started visiting a place that many young people used to go.

Between MANY people that were there, that I met, and groups that used to hang together more often or at any determined moment, there were two people that were in one of these.

A Virgo and a Cancer.

A Virgo with no placements in Water. And a Cancer 7 with FOUR.

I more or less thought I had fallen in love with the person with Sun in Cancer and 3 other placements in Water immediately too.

And I did.

It was. The WORST. Sensation. I absolutely despise them.

But moving on.

UKNOWING to me back then, but now VERY OBVIOUS, the both of them were, my way of “getting over” the first person with Sun in Virgo. They were the junction of them.

The only reason, why I hung out with both of them more or less at the same time...

Was because SOMEONE ELSE was “The Main”.

So whoever is there full of placements in VIRGO AND LEO. You AREN’T SHIT to me.

NEVER WAS.

You were not no main. I am not going to “wake up” to whatever because I used to hang out with you a lot, because I CALLED YOU most or ALL of the times because I felt alone a lot.

You weren’t a main. You were barely half. I don’t want to “pay” because I’m saying this. I’m tired. I only hung out with you because I ADMIT TO BE A LOSER.

You were barely, not even half.

It was someone else. It was ALL because of someone else.

He was the “Junction” to me.

But I wasn’t his.

And that’s PERFECTLY, fine.

Many years, and after liking, falling, and being slaughtered (to use a “modest” word) for/by a bunch of people, I searched for all of them to update myself a bit. Why the fuck I was being slaughtered.

The First Virgo.

In despite of having placements that fit me, one of those who “felt” to me that did it more, he “still” has more planets in elements that are exagerated to my map, AND in despite of having an AWESOME ONE, still lacks a couple of good placements in Water.

Also, turns out he turned out to grow to be just enough and more different than I whatever thought he would’ve been.

Looked at his FB quickly.

He’s sexist AF.

Screw him.

Screw Scorpios too, sort of, most or all of them, unrelated, I don’t know, I’m not going to start, I don’t have time.

But like.

Double Virgo, Mercury in Rulership, TWO Water Signs on inner Map.

THAT was the FIRST PERSON I “was in love with”.

The FIRST PERSON I was in love with.

I like prodigy people.

Obviously, WHO doesn’t. EVERYBODY does.

Mercury in RULERSHIP. And TWO WATER SIGNS. PISCES.

And I didn’t even know all of this back then yet.

THE FIRST PERSON. I ALREADY WENT THAT FAR.

“YOU”, (whoever you are) HAVE TO BEAT [THAT].

Moving on to supposed less achieving destinies.

There used to be only one person that I think would have matched/complement me a little bit more.

But they ALSO are too much to me too, and numerologically speaking, I discovered I might be “automatically” a little bit “energetically” toxic to him if spent much time together, probably.

I haven’t met yet the person I’m supposed to be with.

2: Not for me either. But.

I am OBSSESSED with “Sevens”, in birthday charts, name numerology, EVERYWHERE.

Don’t know why.

Some shit I’m supposed to get through.

BY MYSELF.

#Meanwhile My Life #New Year Stuff #Tag Later #Meanwhile Myself #The First Virgo #''The First''#Such a fucking title.#Important #Of Extreme Importance.

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maptoourescape · 6 years

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Hi I just wanted to say I love your blog and I love the way you display Tom's thoughts and mentality. I wanted to ask what do you think about this whole situation with Tom, is it hard to keep roleplaying him and to reenact his thoughts when he has been acting so unusual lately? Do you think he is happy? Keep up the great work! ^^

INTRO &DISCLAIMERNow what I am going to tell you is obviously just how I see the situationpersonally. This might not be the representation of reality whatsoever, eventhough I’d like to think I’m a good judge of character. I don’t know thesepeople. They are, by all means, strangers to me as I am to them. But I DIDhappen to grow up with them, observe them through years of footage, and seemany of their quirks in real life as well whenever I had a fortunateopportunity. Saying that, I feel like even though their stage personas (orwhatever you might call them) are “built strong” sometimes, you can still peekright through them if you have enough of a “people sense”.Look, most folks probably realize that Tom isn’t all that he gives out to be,but they don’t really think about it all TOO much. And honestly, I don’t either- it just comes naturally for me to psychologically evaluate people. And myevaluation of him is that he is full of unresolved issues.I don’t even mean that in a bad way, I really don’t. I just want all the bestfor him. But let’s just say that seeing how his life was up until now, thereare multiple factors that play out in his current “out of character” behavior. Toa certain extent, I can also relate to him in some regard. Similarly to him forexample, I too use a weird sort of humor to hide behind, almost as though it’smy shield, so none of what I’m saying is said in a judgmental manner. We all haveour own issues after all, and that doesn’t make us any lesser.BUT FIRST THING’S FIRSTTalking about humor, let’s just get straight into it, because we have to startsomewhere… Humor is a stress relief weapon by its poetic definition. In Tom’scase, it isn’t any different – only maybe he takes that a few steps further,still. More than just as a casual thing, his jokes are also being used to takethe edge away from what he considers to be serious and/or emotionally intangiblesituations. Why? Because Tom doesn’t appear to be someone who would like to“show his real self” to people in a situation he can’t properly evaluate,unless he knew for SURE they are to be trusted. In other words – he doesn’twant “the emotion that would be shown from him” to be used as a weapon againsthim later on, especially if he doesn’t know what kind of a reaction to expect from thecounterpart. “If you appear vulnerable, this same vulnerability is going to beused against you” is the mentality here – that’s a lesson of sorts that he’s probably learned how to incorporatein his daily life at a very young age already. So deflecting a lot of shit withhumor is basically an act of protecting himself. Same with his manly-manboasting, and all the confident penis commentary, which many people look at justsuperficially, saying that it’s trashy and/or annoying – even though what itreally turns out to be, in my opinion, is a (not all that uncommon) copingmechanism. So the next thing you’d ask would probably be “but what on earth is he copingwith then?” I guess it would be probably safer to ask what he isn’t coping withat this point, because we’re talking about a bunch of things here, all muddledtogether in one big ball of anxiety. Main things to highlight probably include a)fear of abandonment, b) some art of repressed self-consciousness, c) some weird(intrigue by and a fear having lack of?) dominance issue and etc. all the wayto the last letter of the alphabet.I’d say it all started in childhood with his father leaving and being, as faras we know, generally problematic (because honestly, that fucks us divorceekids all up, and it’s so internalized that we don’t even really realize ituntil it hits us in the face as adults, when we are suddenly facing multipledaddy issues all at once lol). Maybe even beforehand, depends on what sort of anupbringing the twins’ parents decided to give them. Then we have the general yearsof complete hell, also generally known as the school days, full of bullies and nasty youngadults with too much time on their hands. We all know the baseball bat stories –need I go into further detail? Then comes the growing up under the spotlight,of course – the unusual puberty they had to go through, as Gustav so nicely putit in the documentary – and being pushed into a harsh ass business at such ayoung age… just basically dealing with a bunch of stuff that kids usually haveno place dealing with, and maybe learning some lessons that normal people onlyget to really learn in their 20s or 30s. Namely how it is to be working with allthe wrong people, and probably having at least some sort of taste of a betrayalon a professional, working level etc.If there is one thing, one lesson that ties all of these separate life erastogether to make a nice whole, it’s one of how you have to be careful aroundpeople, and how forming trusting relationships isn’t a very simple task,whatsoever. Between parents leaving, peers bullying you, media shitting on youand the industry silently pulling their own strings behind your back – oh, andhave I mentioned stalkers and the literal walls they had to build around theirhouse in order to keep them at bay? which didn’t work anyway because their private space WAS invaded by gross people? – I guess you pretty damn quicklystart losing your naïveté. Or well, if not that, at least your trust in prettymuch anyone that hasn’t been with you since the very, very beginning.And then comes, obviously, the relationship he had with Ria.Now, again, everything I’m saying is based purely on my speculation from mereobservation. I don’t actually know any of the people they associate with either.But the vibe I got from his relationship with Ria was honestly… not that bad inthe beginning. I think that, at least at the start, she was really, really goodfor him. And that he got even more attached to her eventually, because she wasthere when he emotionally needed her most (read: the big move to the USA,stalker problems and lack of motivation to keep being in a band from all thepressure…). I also think that he kind of thought this relationship was really“it”, you know? As years went on though, just as any other relationship, theirsseemed to have become this sort of “routine” as well. And we all know that feeling, don’twe? If not from our own experience, then from some of our friends’ experiencesat least? The feeling when the stomach butterflies die down, and the initialeuphoria just settles into a still?My take on it is that he really, REALLY tried a LOT to make it work, even afterit sort of started “crumbing down” for whatever reason. I feel like he feltsuper comfortable with her BECAUSE they’ve been together for so long. Maybe itbecame a sort of a routine for him too, but it was one he definitely sought toupkeep. Tom didn’t want to let go of her. Because ruining what he had with herwould mean “having to find someone new”. And “having to find someone new” wouldmean “having to open up to someone again” – something that isn’t all that easyfor him to do, for the already before mentioned reasons.Pretty sure we all know about some infidelity speculations being rumored tohave been going down between them as well, especially from her side. Andhonestly, that would explain a thing or two about how his behavior has changedin the time ever since they’ve officially broken up. I obviously do not knowthe specifics, but I’ll be damned if I don’t realize it takes two in order toa) form a relationship, but also b) in order to not fix it if it goes south.Doubtlessly, none of the two was a complete saint. And doubtlessly they bothhave their own character flaws. But though dubious in its legitimacy, hersupposed infidelity really ties well with what’s happening right now, in thismoment. Just think about it… Yet another massive betrayal. Another one of themassive disappointments he experienced along his life’s journey. This onecoming from someone he perhaps even considered to be his (other) life partner.Only now that we got the mere basics down can I finally start bringing upShermine, and the point of this entire conversation anyway: his “change” asbrought up with his dynamic with Heidi. Because I really think that in order toproperly understand why I think this Klum relationship is toxic, you firstneeded my quick review of “the entire story”.BACK TO THE POINT AT HAND NOW I don’t think the Shermine relationship was honestly all that different fromthe one Tom has with Heidi now. I can’t claim to know the reasons why itprobably “didn’t all work out with Sher” (besides the obvious fact that thiswas never a relationship in its full meaning of the word, but rather just whatpeople usually call “an affair”), but it might have been them just beingseparated by where they lived and what not – or maybe also Shermine seeing howmuch of a “child” Tom really was in certain regards. It’s not like she was thisperfect example of maturity either, mind you, having to constantly post hintsabout how she’s together with him and what not, but at the end of the day, Isort of feel she got more tired of HIS bullshit than vice versa. And by “hisbullshit” (again, not meant to be judging) I mean this strange passivity that has been surrounding him recently (examples and explanations coming up). If someone on twitter now points out how “unlikeTom it is to let Heidi post on social media about him,” another person then instantlyyells out saying “why do you care, if he apparently doesn’t care anymoreeither!”And to me, it is exactly THAT that is the concerning factor anyway.People are, in a strange way, right when they shout “Tom doesn’t care aboutbeing public anymore!” but they don’t look deep enough into it to see theproblem behind it. Yes, it’s true – if Tom wouldn’t want to be posted on socialmedia, then his old enough, almost 29 year old ass could’ve just told Heidi to NOTfucking do it. So yeah, you know what? Most probably, he’s NOT stopping her.But him “not being bothered to go against it” doesn’t mean he’s automaticallyokay with it. Those two are not mutually exclusive. What I see in his behavior right now - that is also something that’s seemingly been there forever since he’s been hooking up with Shermine too - is mindlessness, carelessnessand a complete disregard for what he used to stand for in regards to his “morals”.May I note that I can also see he has this sort of complete disregard abouthimself floating around as well? He appears to be very passive, and seems asthough he really just isn’t putting any thought into… well, pretty muchanything he’s doing… like ANYTHING, whatsoever. And yes, I realize that “people can change,” and that Tom too could’ve just aseasily had a spiritual awakening, and was suddenly like “you know what, I’m NOTgonna stress about being on social media that much anymore, and I’m NOT goingto stress about being in the press…”. But the thing is – these sorts of thingsdon’t just happen overnight. Especially not with the life he’s been leading andhow much it’s been fucking him up along the way at times. You don’t go fromwanting complete privacy because of your own very legitimate paranoia, to goingto an Amfar Whatever Gala event in front of millions of press to out yourrelationship, just like he did. You don’t go from avoiding cameras as much ashumanly possible to vacantly stare at a paparazzi’s Canon in the distance inorder to see if it’s getting the right shot of you and your new so calledgirlfriend. This sort of mental change CAN obviously happen. But overtime, and usually– dare I suggest? – with therapy (which we are bringing back up later). By myinterpretation of how he is as a person though, I don’t think this “transition”was something that happened in an exactly healthy way. More than seeing Tom as “careless but happy,” (as people paint him out to be), Iright now see him as being “careless and confused”. Numb, even. Out of placeAnd “out of place” is a phrase to describe him best when it comes to how helooks like as soon as Heidi’s around.VAGUELY EXPLAINED CAMP EXPERIENCE INSERTI’ve been there on this Camp, and the way he reacted to literally everything –people, his surroundings, most everything you can imagine – changed bizarrelyas soon as he knew she was around. It’s almost like he was being nearbypetrified. I have no idea why either. One would think that if you’re datingHeidi Klum, you’d want to show her off or something. Or at least be ascomfortable with her as on (play pretend or not) all those paparazzi photos that keep popping up. Especiallywhen literally NONE of the campers really cared for her presence there, so it wasn’t like he was afraid for her wellbeing or whatever. So no, no psycho had the intention to attack her, literally no one cared, but Tom still just turned into this… anxious little mess?Mind you, when I saw her arrive, my mind was also still open. I was like, “ya knowwhat, all of their other family and friends are being so lovely – Georg’s gf who justjoined in on the activities, and Gustav’s wife too, just supporting her hubbyand speaking to the fans… maybe Heidi’s going to prove everyone wrong and bereally lovely”. But honestly, from the moment she entered the Camping grounds, you couldFEEL the atmosphere drop.Never mind the fact that she was having a stare-down with many fans (includingmyself) for no apparent reason, which I still do not understand… From where Iwas sitting, she was making it very damn obvious she wanted to just “geteveryone’s attention”. Her glares were basically daring us “to go spread theword that she arrived”, and when we wouldn’t care (because surprise surprise,we weren’t there for her, so obviously no one really cared?) she would stare atus even weirder. But as I said, that in itself isn’t all that important. What Ineed to convey is how insanely uncomfortable TOM appeared to be when she wasaround.(As a side note, I also feel like we all kinda expected a huge ass party to godown on the last day of Camp, seeing how on the previous few days, the guyswould kinda leave at latest 2 in the morning – which made sense, becauseeveryone knew they were gonna have responsibilities the next day. But literallynothing was planned for Monday morning, and I felt like everyone was superpumped about the guys finally having an opportunity to party with us reallylong and really proper. Only, you know, that never really happened. And I daresay it was mainly because of Klum.)I digress, at some point of the evening after the firework finale, the twins actually came tothe counter in order to hang out with people (after they’ve left to refresh first, leaving people confused as to if they were even returning), and I thought “Yay, maybe they’ve actually joined us again to party like everyone kinda expected, so that’s great!”. But no suchluck. It was there exactly - at the counter - where the difference of how Tomis without her around VS when she IS around became so prominent. Only a nightearlier, the guys would stay behind the counter for AGES, just interacting,taking pictures, drinking, having a good time… on Sunday, they weren’t therefor even 10 minutes, before leaving towards a backstage area of sorts. I sawher being at the counter for a while as well, with literally no one botheringher whatsoever, but she eventually disappeared, initially making me think “Oh, maybeshe’ll just mingle with people, go chat up Georg’s GF or something… maybe thisevening is actually gonna be bomb!”. But her leaving simply resulted in Tom REPEATEDLYpressing Bill into “going to the backstage area”.Tom looked NOTHING like the night before. He was TRYING to interact with somefans, but was mostly just looking really out of place. It happened on at least3 separate occasions in those short ten minutes, that he would poke Bill atevery opportunity he got, just to press him into going to the stage area. Hekept on elbowing Bill whenever the other would turn around to get somethingfrom the fridge, pointing to the stage, looking vaguely lost, not really payingproper attention to his surroundings. Bill was visibly giving hints that he “wantedto just stay for a while longer,” even going as far as showing Tom his drink asthough he were to say “lemme at least finish this first?” until Tom eventuallyprevailed and they actually decided to move to where she was – to the infamousbackstage area. Again, I thought that maybe they had plans on going on stage to the DJs again(seeing how they did that on the nights before), maybe give one last propergoodbye to people before mingling in the crowd some further. But that neverhappened. Honestly, thinking back on it, it was kind of bizarre to think theyjust huddled up in the little space behind the stage. They wouldn’t even pull acurtain to have some sort of privacy – if you went behind the stage, you couldliterally just see them interact there, being all secluded from the rest of thepeople. More secluded than on the previous day when it was raining cats anddogs but they STILL made the effort to just hang around with all of us! The situation lefta bitter taste in my mouth, because at that point I KNEW that if she wasn’tthere, the party would have been so insanely different, so insanely cool. Ifelt bad for Bill, who was just longingly looking onto the stage, taking videosof it – he gave off the vibe that we wanted to go party, but (for some bizarrereason) “couldn’t”. It felt as though hedecided he would rather stick to the out-of-place-looking Tom, which Ihonestly, at the end of the day, can’t really blame him for.Not even half an hour later, the golf carts arrived to pick them up, and that washonestly so strange to observe too. Not even once in the whole entire weekend did Ihave a feeling of them rushing anywhere. Whenever the boys would arrive orleave with the carts, whenever they’d change locations, they would always honkand scream around, letting everyone know what they were up to, shooting people with water pistols if in range even. But suddenly then, the golf cart had topark backwards towards the stage in order for them to “have a clear and quickstart”. There was no honking, no proper goodbyes we were used to from theearlier days. They just kinda… drove off. And I know for a damn FACT that itwouldn’t have been like that if it wouldn’t be for her. I wish this would just be me – that this would just be a plot of my own damnimagination. Because I WISH she wasn’t a cunt, for Tom’s sake obviously. But Ihave talked to a bunch of people, and they have all had their separateexperiences, most of which only furthermore confirmed how I see the situation. Factsare these: 1. Heidi was there for the obvious reason of getting our (thefans’), as well as the media’s attention. 2. She was acting all high andmighty, as well as really possessive (even jealous at some moments, which is sosuper bizarre to think about), and it wasn’t a good look. 3. And I don’t knowwhy EXACTLY, but as soon as she was around, Tom ALWAYS sort of froze on spot.Look, I don’t know, maybe he’s just intrigued by that sort of dynamic and getsoff on it, and just doesn’t want to publically admit that he “likes herdemanding demeanor”. But yo, even if that was the case – at the end of the day thatdoesn’t make the whole relationship any less toxic. OKAY, TO THE CORE NOWShe has subtle manipulation tactics down to the T. I can tell, because I knowhow to use those in my advantage as well. And you’ve probably had this happento you too, mostly without even realizing it. It comes to the surface in a waywhere some parents make their kids feel bad for “not cleaning up the dishes”for example. Instead of demanding “it gets done because otherwise they’ll beconsequences”, some choose the more toxic approach of emotional manipulation,saying things like “don’t worry, it’s fine, what’s another hour more to my nineto five working schedule anyway?” It’s in the way that one friend of yours says“oh okay” without a smiley face when you cancel on going out with them. It’swhen something comes out of people’s mouths, and the meaning is dubious.Something that is meant to make you walk the line between “but is it reallyokay?” and “I feel uncomfortable that you feel uncomfortable, so let me help”. Her entire presence just screams that demeanor,and I don’t doubt I’m right in this. She probably even pulled something like that in that counter scenario I was talking about too, going like “oh you go hang out with fans, I’ll just be there… having my drink…” The question now remains if Tom is oblivious to these attitudes or not.Honestly, both yes and no seem like a legitimate answer to me in this case.Neither of the twins seem to really be capable of a good “evaluation” when itcomes to perception in regards to human character. They’re not short inadmitting that themselves either, and said it numerous times that this is whysongs like “Never let you down” happened to exist in the first place. But italso makes sense if we again tie it with the fact that they had a puberty muchunlike ours is. Meeting people was always sort of arranged in their world, so gettingto know someone spontaneously isn’t really an experience that’s been followingthem ever since they were socially capable of “making their own friends”. Can’tsay that that’s a concept that’s completely alien to them, having lived in theUSA for so long now and what not, but we also can’t say they have as many experiences withit as someone who had a “normal lifestyle” either.I’d say Tom is intelligent enough to realize what’s going on, but simply toonumb to do anything about it. What’s more, maybe he even enjoys this sort ofdynamic.“But why,” you might ask “would anyone enjoy this sort of manipulative dynamic?”Honestly, I feel what he likes about it is that someone’s taking away hisresponsibilities to himself. It basically feels as though you’re giving the reins to your insides into the possession of someone else - someone who you feel can makethe most out of them when you obviously couldn’t. And even if they couldn’t exactly “makethe best out of it” – Tom’s been steering himself for too long, only torepeatedly be faced with complete disappointment on the roads he’s taken. It’snot like he cares what happens anymore, as long as he gets to feel at leastsomewhat at peace. So why not let someone else “take his life into their ownhands”? Why not be the follower of someone who seems to not be bothered by literallyeverything he usually stands against? Someone who seemingly had more luck inlearning about how to cope with this reality that is “being famous and beingshat on”.My conclusion drawn from what I’ve experienced and heard is that she “keeps himon a short leash,” while simultaneously trying to boost her own importance andego as they go. From what I see, he is being very much so infatuated with her,but I wouldn’t dare calling that love by any means. Yet another heated affair,if anything. I think he really lost himself along the way of people fucking himup in his life (especially since the breakup he had with Ria), so he isn’treally thinking straight anymore at all. He’s just going with the flow, doingwhatever the fuck he wants to, fucking whoever the fuck he wants to, and hasthis little rebellious side of him tell him to “fuck the rest”.Which WOULD be a good thing – fuck the haters, imma do my thing and stuff… Onlyif he wouldn’t be doing it out of all the wrong reasons. Namely what seems tobe a desperate attempt and need to just “change himself for the better” because“he isn’t a weak ass motherfucker”.I feel like he has quite some problems with the concept of vulnerability. He has this sort of a persona built up which he strives to be, but really isn’t– basically a sort of an alpha male persona – and right now, he’s probably sofar off in his head, that he just wants to desperately fit this picture perfectimage of himself, no matter how many broken pieces are waiting for him to berepaired on the inside. He wants to prove that “he’s better and stronger” tohimself, as well as to everyone around him. He’s ignoring his issues, pushingthem aside, thinking that “ignoring” his problems is better than to face them,“because after all, facing them only ever brought him pain and anguish anyway”…But holdingthings inside like that, suppressing all the negatives by all means necessary…I think most people realize how bad this can get – a person turning into aliving ticking time bomb that can be triggered into an explosion at any time. Hemight be feeling happy now, in this moment of bliss he’s created for himself,just ignoring everything that’s been eating away at him from the inside, neverletting it surface. But you can only keep your demons at bay for so long,before they come haunting you again, with even more vigor.Prolonging the inevitable in this way is pretty much the most horrible idea onthe long run you can have. But Tom isn’t thinking on the long run. He’s thinking “peaceof mind, now, or I’m gonna lose it”.I don’t know what it is that triggered this “obsession to be okay”. Maybe hewants to be spiteful to Ria. Maybe he wants to prove to her “how much betteroff he can be without her” and “what a changed and open man he has become”.Maybe it’s not even Ria. Maybe he just can’t deal with being without SOME sortof a sexual partner, because it makes him feel like a failure. Maybe he cravesa sort of intimacy he used to have, but is now gone, so he fills his time withwhat he thinks is “second best”. Who knows. It could be a number of things, andmany more than I can probably never even think of.At the end of the line, my personal perception of what he’s doing is that it’s –and I’ve repeated myself in this wordall too many times now – toxic. No matter the reason why he’s doing it. I thinkhe would be better off alone for a while, and, if not getting therapy, at leastletting himself have some breathing space, and just give himself a second toheal from whatever is gnawling at him. Heal from whatever seems to be “pushinghim” from the inside to be this perfect ideal self he so desperately seems towant to be. AND BEFORE I FINISHLet us just quickly dive into this one last important element of this dynamic –namely where Bill comes in, and how it all comes together at the end of the day. If we assume I am at least vaguely correct in my interpretationof things, it’s obvious that there’s no way in hell that Bill would be blind to somethingnot being entirely as it “should be” with Tom. Clearly if even we as fans can perceiveTom as being out of character, how on earth would then his twin miss it?Doubtlessly, no matter the partnership any of the two had/have with anotherperson, it will always affect BOTH twins in one way or another.So how do we explain this undying enthusiasm Bill seems to be sprouting everytime Heidi posts yet another picture of Tom on her social media.Well, there’s a few rough possibilities I see here.1. First would of course be realizing that social media is meant to feed uscontent that isn’t always the exact representation of how the reality is. Whoknows if Bill’s endless heart emojis really are as heartfelt as we imagine themto be in the first place. But I digress. I sincerely think Bill’s not fakinghis enthusiasm. Most of all because his idolizing when it comes to Heidi reallyseems to know no bounds. Which leads me straight into the more possible optionnumber two.

2. Billsort of admiring and romanticizing the relationship Tom and Heidi have – to thepoint where he thinks Tom feeling out of place is just sort of his imagination…Because “how in the world could this picture perfect scenario ever be hidingsomething less than PERFECT”. Bill is like that – the romanticizing idealist.And I bet he has this one picture in his head of how Heidi is, and doesn’tstray from it, even if there’s weird signs that she might not be all heimagines, and no matter what other people might suggest in order to persuadehim. Stubborn. The twins are so. Damn. Stubborn.3. What I imagine most – or well, wish to imagine, hoping that Bill isn’t toolost in his ideals in regards to Heidi – is that Bill actually tried talking toTom about what’s wrong, but Tom refusing to tell him, continuously saying that“all is fine” as he probably does so many times with his manly-manpersona up. And then Bill letting it slide, just being as happy as possible forhim, even though he knows something’s up. Because what else is he to do anyway?STUBBORN, REMEMBER?

Whatever itmight be – at the end of the day it’s really sort of exhausting how the twinsjust give each other concession over and over again. Recently, an old interviewresurfaced where they talked about how “they don’t need therapy, because theyhave each other”. Well, with both of them so stubborn and both of them so damnproud, with both of them being unable to take a sincere word of advice as anythingbut a personal attack… Of course they prefer each other over someone else withperspective. Because a therapist would not massage their egos as they do to oneanother. A therapist wouldn’t let them drown in pity and join in on their spitelike it’s their own. Because that wouldn’t resolve anything.Relying solely on someone that is also really similarly fucked up might makeyou not feel alone, but it sure as hell won’t drag you out of shit. They’re eachother’s excuse, constantly, probably unknowingly only dragging each other downwhen it’s really bad. Instead of telling the other “no, you need to dosomething about yourself, you’ve been down in the gutter for too long”they probably just go “yes, that person did a horrible thing, and I’llcontinue hate them with you while we wallow in our joined self-pity”. Whatthey would need is to challenge each other more, and not just give one anothermore silent vigor to just stay miserable…OUTROBut, hey, this is where I stop babbling, even though I feel I didn’t evenremotely scrape the surface, or tell everything that’s been building up insideme lately.I’ve been debating with myself if I should really go into such excruciating detailregarding my thoughts on Tom – mostly because I don’t think traumas ofdescribed sort are something to discuss online in such a manner, no matter if true or not. In a way, Ifeel protective, because the mere potential of my thoughts being correct gives me a nasty feeling of this being a text of “exposure”. Butthen again, the internet is getting too loud with their weakly argumentedopinions, and people don’t seem to take in account that this human being hasbeen through shit a lot of us can’t even remotely imagine. So I settled foreducation. I wanted to maybe build perspective for someone who hasn’t beenthinking about this all too much.I mean at the end of the day, worst case scenario is that I’m right, but that I’vestill built some sort of perspective for people who think that “Tom’s just a fuckboi”.And best case scenario is that I’m simply overthinking everything anyway, andthat he IS actually just simply happy. In which case, ya know, I’m really,truly happy for him.At the end of the day, that’s exactly what I want, and this is exactly why Iover think it – because I want nothing but the best for all four of these idiots (as said lovingly, of course). So to finally answer your very prevailing question:Do I think Tom’s happy?Solely superficially. Really, properly happy? Alas, I doubt it.Do I want to be wrong?Abso-fucking-lutely.Thank youfor your time, if you by chance came back to find my ass finally thinking of a proper response. It really has been a long time coming.Love,Tina

#anonymous #[anon;]#reviewed this way too many times #posting it now because otherwise I'll just keep on adding

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believerindaydreams · 3 years

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I think I should perhaps stop having wild hopes that I got to the end, but this does leave off where Broken Steel starts and I haven't played that

Arcade

He doesn't much like the Purity rotunda. Two solid doors that wouldn't be difficult to block off, it wouldn't completely surprise him if the Enclave was planning to wipe out every leader in the Wasteland with a few well placed mines. It's very crowded in here.

He mentions this to Sarah Lyons, surely the person with the most reason to mistrust this situation, only to find her surprisingly calm about the possibility. "If I die, Liberty Prime moves in on Raven Rock and reduces it to rubble. That's a price worth paying."

"What even is a Liberty Prime?"

She almost smiles. "Two hundred feet of robotic destruction."

He's afraid to ask whether she means that literally; but Autumn grimaces.

"Gannon. I confess I'm surprised to see you here."

"All that's necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. I- hope to be doing something."

"As do I," Autumn drawls.

"Then go stick your head in a swamp," Lyons advises. "A good start to that beautification Eden is always claiming to care about."

"You were so much less bitter to the Lone Wanderer," Autumn retorts. "Help us out and maybe you'll rate initiate one day?"

"And I was right to be dubious. We only take the best."

The backchat is cut short by Hannibal Hamlin, armed with the microphone from a ham radio.

"If I may have your attention?"

Conversation slows, stops, leaving only a tense silence.

"I'll keep this brief- there's little I can say that would speak to all of you equally, bounty hunter and Follower, Brotherhood or Enclave. I hope to make common cause with many of you; I'm wise enough to know some of us will still part as enemies, not friends. But there's something all of us share, and that's the simple human need for water. I'm told that James Autumn has a plan to help solve that pressing problem for all of us- and so, let us hear from him."

There's a ripple of interest as the microphone passes from abolitionist to scientist; James Autumn's height is accentuated by the raised steps he stands on. It makes it easy to see the smooth grey briefcase he's grasping in his other hand.

"I'm honoured, Hamlin. And so to business- this, ladies and gentlemen, is a G.E.C.K. A Garden of Eden Creation Kit, capable of terraforming land on an astonishing scale."

Anyone in this room, Arcade knows, would kill for such a thing; and perhaps James Autumn is wiser than he thought, in gathering so many people that no one can make a play for it without being caught in a massacre.

"But I, and my team at Rivet City, have gone beyond this simple pre-war functionality. The G.E.C.K was meant as a one-time device, but what we sought- what we succeeded in doing- was to craft a device that would last for generations. Project Purity will cleanse the Tidal Pool of radiation, and give the Capitol pure, clean water."

There's a rising hum of awe, amazement. No or never.

"Is that it?"

"Is that- what? I've solved a problem that the greatest pre-war scientists couldn't solve, for the benefit of everyone."

"And if this was twenty years ago, maybe that would have meant something," Arcade retorts. The others have his back, his voice carries easily in the hush. "But what use is that now with the Mojave imports? The Followers have already adapted prickly pear to DC conditions, every caravan that visits Nacochtank leaves with clean cactus water. In a generation every house in the wastes will have their own garden- and then what price the Rivet City pool, eh?"

The scientist's hands are white at the knuckles. "I can think of no better use for for the kit than purifying the waters."

"Well, I can. You know what would benefit everyone here? Use it at the Pitt."

Silence gives way to a babble, until the voice of Mister Burke rises above it. "An elegant solution! Turn a toxic slum into the richest prize in the wastes, and protect your Follower water trade!"

Arcade flushes, but keeps his temper. Burke isn't so wrong, at that.

Other voices are rising in a confused babble.

"-imagine the looting, they say there's an ammo press-"

"Pay back Ashur, once and for all-"

No: it won't be hard to raise a war against the Pitt at all. Economics and crusading combined will be a terrifying combination.

Moira Brown's voice is shrill in the commotion. "What does the Lone Wanderer say?"

The call is taken up by a number of people, becomes almost a chant, until Augustus Autumn walks up the steps to take the microphone from his father's hands.

"My friends...I have helped many of you as the Lone Wanderer. I hope to help many more as Colonel Autumn, even-" he bows towards Sarah Lyons, "those with the least love for the Enclave. And in my travels, I've tried to listen to you, tried to discover what kind of America you all would want to live in. So I'll ask you now, in the best republican tradition of America; do you want Project Purity, or shall we cleanse the Pitt?"

"Pitt! Pitt! Pitt! Pitt!"

Arcade catches a glimpse of Hannibal, looking content for perhaps the first time in years; and smiles to himself.

"Then the Pitt it shall be," Colonel Autumn says. "And I know that President Eden-"

His words are cut short by James, yanking the microphone from his hands. "This is nonsense. You- Follower, call yourself a scientist? Come here and see why it won't be possible to reconfigure the G.E.C.K. like that."

His blood is running hot, as he squeezes through the crowd, walks up to James. The ripper feels heavy in its holster.

"Come inside the chamber, and if you can change the settings, you can have your damned kit. I promise you that."

The others have been separated from him, Boone cursing and elbowing his way through towards him; and Arcade lets James pull him inside the Purity airlock quickly, before anyone he loves can be caught in the trap.

Because he knows that's what it is, even before they leave the airlock for the weird silence of the Purity catwalk. Knows it as James lays down the G.E.C.K. and pulls a lever to blast them both with radiation.

Wasteland habit makes him automatically reach for the Rad-Away, the Rad-X; the other man watches and laughs.

"A little test of convictions," the elder Autumn says. "A duel. Whichever one of us lasts longest will decide the fate of that kit...but I know who'll win. That's called faith. For I am the alpha, and-"

"And you can stick it up your ass, Father."

Arcade doesn't turn at the familiar voice; doubts he can, with the world starting to spin and buckle around him. The radiation venting is already reaching murderously high levels, he's going to die here.

"Augustus. I'm disappointed." Quite as calmly as if he wasn't dying; but James makes a move for the G.E.C.K-

Autumn shoots him with his weathered pistol, collapses to the floor in a weird symmetry with his father.

He wouldn't be a doctor if he didn't try to help; he kneels down. "I'll get you out..."

"And roast the entire leadership of the wastes? You'll wait until it dies down...it will, this was...contingency plan." Autumn reached out with a syringe of Rad-X, jabs him with it. "Code's from Revelation."

"Why would you do this?" What kind of wastelander only carries one syringe of Rad-X, Autumn is dying in his arms and he's helpless.

"I believe...in the Enclave," Autumn rasps, and dies.

His own passing out comes as a merciful relief.

*****

Chronologically, he finds out later that it's about six hours between that moment and his waking up again, with a stiffening corpse across his thighs.

In the Mojave, maybe he'd leave Autumn be; but he pockets the pistol, takes the heavy overcoat with the unconscionable weapon inside it. James he strips clean of everything except clothing.

And the G.E.C.K., sitting innocuously on a table.

He cycles the airlock, unlocks it- given Autumn's hint, finding the circled passage in James' metal-covered scripture wasn't hard- and walks out to Boone's waiting arms. Manny and Carla and Daisy are asleep on the steps below.

"Don't do that to me again, you bastard," Boone whispers. "Thought you were gonna die."

"I would have agreed." A few other people have stuck it out; Sarah Lyons gruffly offers her rad-counter, raises an eyebrow when it proclaims him to be clean. Hannibal gives him a nod of approval.

"You're a brave man, Arcade Gannon."

"I wish I was in some shape to appreciate the compliment, but- thank you." He dumps the kit into Hannibal's hands. "I think you'd best hang on to this for now. In case the Enclave comes looking for revenge."

"You might be surprised," Hannibal says, his dark eyes twinkling with amusement.

Arcade doesn't know what that could mean and hardly cares, waking up the others to quit their tired vigil. Carla mumbles inarticulate relief, absently kisses him; Manny wraps him in a bear hug without even trying to talk.

They head out to the gift shop, where a motley collection of the Wasteland's finest are sleeping and guarding, campfires making odd shadows against the green walls.

"The room was wired for sound," Boone says. "Gonna be even more a hero than you were already."

"Almost makes me wish for a nuclear summer."

"Huh?"

Arcade frowns. "A joke. Don't worry about it."

"Okay. You want to sleep in here, or outside?"

"Outside," Carla says, in unison with him.

There's a starry night for once, the wasteland's smog clear for once in a way; and they lay out bedrolls without even bothering to pitch a tent. A Vertibird lands in the distance, its lights a strange beauty against the sky; and Arcade wonders briefly about

They don't go back to sleep after all; they speculate on the war to come, who'll turn traitor, whether Ashur might have weapons to surprise them all.

"I wouldn't put it past him," Carla says, watching her daughter suckle. "Brotherhood, you can't be too sure."

"I'll try not to take that personally."

"Veronica," Manny says heartily. "You've brought a friend, I see."

"Two friends," Christine says briskly. "Everyone, this is Dr Whitley from the Adams Air Force Base, which means he's Enclave."

"Afraid so," Whitley says, sounding a trifle embarrassed. "Um- one of you tampered with my Eyebot. ED-E."

"That was Arcade," Manny says. "We would have been killed quite a few times without him- I'm sorry he didn't make it. Somebody blasted him to bits at Paradise Falls, we were told."

"Then maybe I can put him back together after all! If he wasn't scrapped, that is."

"Stranger things have happened there," Manny says solemnly; and Arcade snorts.

Veronica prods Whitley. "I'm sure that your favourite robot is as important as, oh, the fate of the entire wasteland?"

"Oh, right. Um- I don't know how much you knew about Colonel Autumn, but he did some bad things. And I mean some extremely bad things," Whitley says earnestly.

"...that isn't news," Carla says, after a speechless moment.

"No? Well, I guess it wouldn't be- so, um, the thing is that I didn't really trust Raven Rock leadership any longer, so I programmed ED-E to go find the leadership of Navarro. I didn't know that Navarro had been sacked, you see- nobody ever tells us scientists anything-"

Arcade makes a sympathetic noise; Veronica looks wild with impatience. "Get to the point, Whitley!"

"What? Oh, right...well, President Eden," Whitley says breathlessly, "is a computer. James Autumn programmed him to take over when Richardson died, and he assigned his son to be leader of the Enclave forces."

"Go on," Arcade says, wondering at the scientist's growing embarrassment.

"Why- that is to say- Colonel Autumn never thought of putting in orders for the succession when he died, and I might have, um, decided that whoever was at Navarro would have to be better and wrote a program to transfer power to the highest ranking officer there when Autumn died. Only you came along and told ED-E that there isn't any chain of command at Navarro any more, so- um, happy promotion, Colonel Gannon?"

"Oh, no."

"I'm very sorry," Whitley says apologetically.

"Absolutely not! I'm not qualified, I don't want it, I- sweet rads I'm a stimpak researcher! I grow cacti! Nobody would even want me running the Enclave war machine!"

"President Eden does. He's very excited about it, actually."

"If Autumn wasn't dead I would kill him."

"You can always go punch the corpse," Veronica advises cheerfully. "That has a way of clearing the mind."

"Sure solves a lot of problems," Manny says meditatively. "And I mean a lot of problems. Nobody else ever being held against their will at Raven Rock again."

Arcade groans. "I wouldn't trust myself with this. I wouldn't trust anyone with it."

"I figure it's just as well," Boone says, lighting a cigarette. "Mister Burke caught me for a chat while you were out, says Autumn was trying to convince me to move in with him at Megaton. Now that would have been messy. Glad we don't have that to deal with."

"Boone," Manny says after a moment. "You're great. We all know that. But how the hell is it that one chunky sniper has got damn near everybody in two wastelands trying to get into his pants, for chrissake?"

Boone puffs on his smoke. "Don't ask me."

"I think it's the voice," Carla says critically, swiping the cigarette from her husband's fingers to take a long drag herself. "You'd do anything for that deep voice."

"Are you really going to smoke and nurse simultaneously?" Arcade asks tiredly.

"It's been a long day. Make a law about it, Colonel."

"Oh, for..."

#ttw draft

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catastrothicc · 6 years

Text

when will i learn to write an intro post

hello friens my name is kit im 19 and i use them/they pronouns. i love the color GREEN as u can tell and im a cancer ..... i literally don’t kno who i am besides that so ! ey letz gO .... oh yea my timezone is mdt . bu ckle . ... .. . u p

fiRST we have rocky whomst some of u kNO bc he was That guy in paracosms anD created by the m ost crea tive admins iv’e ever seEN i got blessedt 2 play him and to play him agAIN in literally the most mentally straining au for any character .... paracosms verse ! x

i previously made an intro post for him here so i’m just gonna link it and walk away .. .. .... also his stats page still lives here !!! keeping in mind that he is no longer a drug ring leader ..... he recently discovered that his wHOLE LIFE is a LIE and that he’s a helpless robot stuck in hell with a bunch of other robots who want 2 murder him and every(robot)body he loves

find his pinterest board here , someday a whole ass playlist too

neXT we have minjae ... he’s my oldest character in this batch but that doesn’t mean i especially love him .... just means i’ve made him suffer the longest .... . . . tw: child abuse ( pinterest board , playlist 1 , playlist 2 )

minjae is in the main verse ! find him bullshitting through college and b-boying in the camden streets

he’s twenty-one and a virgo , born in busan , south korea

he found his way to london when his parents sent him away to study abroad highkey because that’s a big fancy thing in korea they can brag about and lowkey to get rid of him for as long as they can

his relationship with his family is ..... interestingly strained . his parents WON’T admit that he’s tiring as hell to deal with and how much stress he causes because they try their best to be supporting/loving parents but honestly minjae KNOWS how much they just wISH he was fucking gONE from their lives ( okay maybe not THAT intense but things rlly blow up in his head ) but he doesn’t even worry about it he just deals with the fact that he’s a terrible son

he was diagnosed with odd when he was eight years old, after his mom got tired and increasingly concerned with his disruptive and violent behavior

a few years prior , minjae’s biological dad left them and his mom kind of took it upon herself to try and make it up to him . that meant she was always careful around him and treated him as if he was fragile because minjae felt some blame that his dad left .

his biological dad did Not have any patience for his kid’s mental health , meaning he and minjae would fight often to the point of getting physical . basically minjae endured a lot of getting locked up in the bathroom kicking and screaming until his voice grew hoarse and the occasional ..... bad beatings .

he went to therapy with his mom for two years before entering middle school , around the time his mom remarried a nice guy who had the patience of a saint when it came to minjae , even after he repeatedly rejected him as a part of their life . eventually minjae managed to warm up to him ..... he just didn’t wanna admit he was afraid he’d abandon them like his bio dad .

despite the therapy he was still unstable and got into frequent fights . he was smart but he didn’t put it into any good use because he would rather fool around and disrupt the classroom at any slight chance . teachers .... hated this fuckass

theN high school !! A Whole Mess ..... he got worse and worse , and it wasn’t until he got expelled from his Second high school that he went back to therapy for anger management .

after months of sessions w/ his therapist he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder , which honestly explained Everything about his life . it explained his massive issues with interpersonal relationships , massive abandonment fear , massive moodiness , massive personality contradictions .... everythin g

he started b-boying because it was a way to push himself and let go of the anger without picking a fight with someone else ( altho he StilL picked the occasional fight .... highkey still does ) but he loved the control that came with dancing and how it hurt to push his body

he managed to graduate despite what everyone thought ..... and even a bigger surprise is that he went to college majoring in math ..... and an evEN BIGGER SURPRISE is that he went overseas to study which is like ..... quite a difficult and impressive thing to do ..... tho minjae just finds math the easiest out of academic studies bc “all u need to do is understand and follow a formula”

anYWAYS so his personality is generally very contradictory . he just has no fucking idea who he even is . thESE are from an old intro that i’m just putting here bc still tru:

being delusional w/ infatuation/love to the point of a fault vs running away when things actually start to go right with someone because of his fear of being abandoned by them

being so afraid of abandonment that he can’t stand being alone, always needs to be communicating with someone vs pushing people away when he feels like he’s getting attached because he’s afraid of abandonment

swinging between being horny all the time and being sex repulsed

intense mood swings !!! having the time of his life one hour and wishing he was dead the next

thinks he’s the best vs loathes his entire being

wants everyone to love him vs thinking he deserves being alone

incredibly charming and talkative vs distant and moody

loving/cuddly/goofy vs jealous/purposely mean/bossy

also never tell him its ok to text u bc he’ll give u notifications from Hell

dhwani mishra !!! honestly Bae . i’ve had her in my head for mONTHs and this is only the second time i play her rip . anyways say hello to this Hot Mom. tw: abuse , brief abortion mention

dhwani is from chicago , she’s 36 and a leo .... literally The Whole SUN

she grew up w/ a generally large family . two parents , three sisters and a brother . it was a full house that often became suffocating but she managed to survive her childhood and teenhood .

she’s extremely close with all her fam except her dad , bc they have always disagreed in almost everything and it’s just ..... awkward to be around him ?? she honestly doesn’t respect him much , even if she would never show him/tell him that . her dad had an abusive past w/ her mom , and dhwani still feels a lot of resentment that he would ever lay his hands on her in a violent way and mistreat her despite being the mother of his children . when she was a teenager , she would tell her mom to just divorce him but her mom was in a very toxic/old mentality and believed she would ruin her family and her children’s life if she did that .

probably nobody cared about this as much as dhwani .... she promised herself she’d NEVER allow someone to do what her dad did to her mom and was honestly so defensive with guys . little did she kno it was the lesbian raging inside her .

so because she had no idea what a lesbian was or that it was a possibility bc her household was not the type to really go into the topic of sex at all , she eventually got into a relationship with a guy in high school that she could actually put up with .... and got really disappointed when she was finally ‘ in love ’ because of how underwhelming it all was . her dreams about finding ‘ the one ’ were absolutely gone . she was like wtf why are people making such a big deal out of love when it feels like ...... kind of nothing ??

she became pregnant with his child which was completely unplanned and was such a huge turn in her life that she never ever expected . all this time she had been driven to start a career in chemistry and family would come way wayyy later , however she did Not want to give up her child ..... she was so torn about it but now she thinks not getting an abortion was the best decision of her life bc her little boy , one of her two little suns was brought into the world .

she paused her career to raise him w/ her now husband when she was 29 , and three years later became pregnant again , this time w/ her second sun , an adorable lil baby girl . things were already going downhill in her marriage before she got pregnant again , though , and she stupidly thought that maybe another child would help them but ... wrong ! her husband , the man she thought she loved , was turning out to be exactly like her father . she put up w/ him for as long as she could .... but it did just not work out . when her daughter was two and her son five , she divorced him and someway or another managed to pick up her career again .

she moved out with her kids into a small apartment , struggling with money and having to ask her parents for aid which wasn’t rlly good for her pride , despite that she and her mom were like best friends .

sHE made it to london by pure will after juggling her two children and working as a high school teacher , though when she got an offer to teach as a professor in a university w/ heR OWN LAB AND RESEARCH TEAM she could Not pass it up . the only problem was tht this job was across the ocean , and away from her family and everything she and her children knew .

still , she saw a brighter future , not only for herself but especially for her kids , so she packed up and said goodbye to the states .

she’s been teaching in soho for two years now and she still hasn’t really adjusted . it’s obviously a very different life than the one she had in chicago , but she’s very determined to make it work . also she’s recently discovering her repressed inner lesbian so hmu for plots !!! ;)))

shE’S a chemistry professor so ... @ any student connections hmu ... also any students whomst want 2 be on her research team A++

pERSONALity wise .... she’s a mess . she’s very lively and warm and inviting , but she is also extremely stubborn and unrestrained . you don’t agree w/ something she does ? Suck It . you have a stupid opinion ? Time to let u kno how absolutely wrong u are . she is NOT afraid of a fight . also she’s v scatterbrained .... there is so much on her schedule that she can barely keep up w/ so she’s never like ... calm . always going somewhere , always pacing places , chugging her coffee , carrying 789479 folders and books everywhere .

hER class is pretty much this vine

probably one of the least chill professors on campus in the best way possible . she’s so excited about chemistry and teaching her students . altho she is lenient and understanding she can also b strict af and doesn’t allow her kindness to b taken advantage of . rlly good at drawing lines .

also her children are her whole world and she loves to brag about them ... since she doesn’t get enough time w/ them at home she sometimes takes them to her lab on campus or they’re there being a mess during her office hours and stressing her out but she’s 2 fond of them to leave them w/ their babysitter .

oK so here is her v incomplete pinterest board ... expect a playlist Soon

lAST BUT NOT LEAST is santana !!! he is ... a solid trip . this is my first time playing him so i’m puMPED and expecting the worst of him fhuidshfiusdhg. tw: drug use , abuse , alcoholism

he is 23 , a Cancer , n from LA california like that red hot chili peppers song(s)

his childhood wasn’t chill at all . he grew up with four sisters and three brothers , so his parents never really had time for all of them individually . they were always kind of lumped together despite the differences in age . santana was one of the middle children so he got evEN LESS attention .

he honestly does not understand what his parents were thinking when they had EIGHT whole kids , because they were poor as shit . they lived in a tiny house with three bedrooms and two bathrooms , where all the girls would be in 1 room , the boys in the other , and their parents in th third one . you could Not catch a moment of peace in this household . they basically lived on top of each other .

his older siblings were very bad influences , and so were his parents . it was all tough love , so he barely received any kindness or special treatment and had 2 go to school even if he was dying w/ the flu and got hit Bad when he acted out even a little bit bc his parents were Not about to deal w/ any disrespect . he actually pretty much got hit for just existing bc his parents didn’t want dumb kids and santana was failing in Everything at school so his dad especially tried to beat it into him but really he wasn’t dumb he had dyslexia and no one knew or cared enough to find out .

still , they didn’t really respect their children enough to demand their respect . they would cuss all of them tf out and allow them little to no privacy so they all became rEALLY GOOD liars , and all of them learned to have each other’s backs but rlly this only lasted during their childhoods/teenhoods .

santana started doing really stupid shit during high school and once he got caught stealing wine from a grocery store w/ all his dumb little high school friends whomst were in possession of weed and ended up in juvenile prison for two years until he turned 18 . thEN while he was on parole he didn’t learn his fucking lesson and his parents/family were not supportive At All honestly it’s like they didn’t give 2 shits that he was in juvie they were just like ‘that’s what happens when you’re a goddamn moron’ so santana went out and did it aGAIN bc fuck parental guidance anyways

this time he got caught stealing a whole fucking car and in possession of not only weed but cocaine so he got locked up for 4 long ass years . honestly thought that he wouldn’t make it out but he rlly learned a lot in prison and he was used to getting no privacy anyways and just kinda dealt . the prison system he was stuck in Sucked so bad though like the guards were the Worst and he’d try to stay out of fights but Some Fucker would piss him off and BOOM he’d end up in the hole for a whole week .

hOWEVER if it wasn’t for being there he would’ve never discovered his passion of art and drawing . he got Really Fucking good bc he had nothing else to do but sit around and try to find anything to pour all of his pent up energy into and drawing happened to be his greatest outlet . would just sit for as long as they let him and draw his time away .

when he got out he went back to his fam but they were pretty much all split up . shit went Down while he was locked up and somehow his parents ended up w/ a giant grudge on their children and some of his siblings wanted to kill each other while others had just completely moved away to different parts of the states and had absolutely no communication w/ each other .

santana decided to fuck it and pursue his dreams of being a tattoo artist far from LA and just decided to move to a different country entirely .

Now u can find him giving tattoos in his apartment bc he doesn’t have enough $$$ to get a studio and while he Is training under a professional he’s not getting paid by them so he needs to make money somehow . it’s a secret that he’s tattooing when he’s not supposed to tho . Fuck the law .

personality !!!! he’s basically .... very chill .... perhaps 2 chill ....

even tho drugs got him some bad time in prison he hasn’t left them . still very 420 friendly and occasionally does the hard stuff . also loves 2 drink and party .

he’s irresponsible !!!! he feels like he lost a lot of his life in prison so he’s trying to make up for it and while he’s being more careful ..... he still loves 2 fuck shit up .

he gets way too comfortable around people way too easily . he thinks this is a trait he picked up in jail bc he rlly had no other option but to shower with a bunch of dudes and shit out in the open , so he’s very comfortable with his body and being in the nude in general . also a touchy guy , likes cuddles and appreciates hugs . random meaningless touches are a Habit .

he loves to hang and do whatever so if ur his friend chances are tht he’s hitting u up 24/7 to go do something . biggest extrovert there is . does not get tired of being in public / around people . also p flirty and gay as hell .

sO find his pinterest board here and i’m also in the process of finishing a playlist for him hopefully soon

thAT WOULD BE ALL FOR NOW !!! hmu and feel free to add me on discord ( a whole silly boy#2690 , kít (catastrothicc) in the group chat ) for plots and such !!!

#smoke:intros #smoke:ooc #⦁ — › OwO ᴡʜᴀᴛ's ᴛʜɪs? — ⌜ ᴏᴏᴄ ⌟#(#fiNALL Y )#( im srry it took this long )#( what was the build up it suCKS ANYWAYS )#( also ........ im not ashamed of an anime mascot )#( HFUISDHFIUSDHGIUH )#( i LOVE an angry boy )

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kireinaa · 7 years

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it’s been a while...

i promised myself that i wouldn’t rant and that i should solve any conflicts myself, but look where i’m at. i’m back to where i was...spewing shit and reverting back to the same old person and i hate myself for this.

what is wrong with me?

i hate being hypersensitive and i hate feeling degraded yet i let people treat me like shit. cause maybe i am a piece of shit? maybe cause i’m an asshole? maybe because i’m stupid as fuck? maybe because i’m dependent as fuck? maybe cause i’m fucking insecure?

what am i doing wrong?

idk. although right now - at this very moment, i really despise everything about myself.

i hate posting negative posts cause i’m trying to be positive and change myself but i’m back to square one.

i’m recently studying abroad right now and it seems like anxiety came back to bite me in the ass. and it’s from where i at least expect it. sorta. it’s from one of the girls that goes to the same school and just the overall atmosphere of being abroad.

so let’s do this. i hate talking shit about other people, but i just really, really needed space to vent and rant...

okay, so there’s this girl who i thought was nice (benefit of the doubt and all and never judge a book by its cover, kids!) was actually - unsurprisingly! - a bitch. a know-it-all for that matter. she makes you feel dumb (although i’m sure that’s not her intention? idk. her tone is just condescending). she comments on every single thing we have to say and her company, for me, is just so toxic (to the point i was actually getting anxious). she’s the type that complains about everything. for instance, we went to a new city we know was very unfamiliar. i thought we were all having fun and all and she was navigating us. (side note: i love being lost in a new city, especially when you’re with the RIGHT people). i couldn’t really help because i have no service and never really took subways or buses before by myself. i usually drive AND have gps. well, the next day my other friend (roomie) showed me a post about the b-girl talking shit about us and how she’s never going back to that city again...with us (LOL). i mean, if you had any problems with our company say it straight to our face!! (i’m aware i’m being a hypocrite right now but she doesn’t know that we know that she’s talking shit about us; omg what happened to being the better person, me?)

anyway, prior to this, she was already talking shit about my roomie and just attacking her taste in music (like biiiitch, it’s not that serious. if anything, you’re the one who’s obsessed. like fuck, no need to bring anyone down just because they don’t have a similar taste in music as you). THAT’S THE THING TOO! she doesn’t respect anyone’s opinion. it’s all about "oh no, this is right. or oh no, your opinion is stupid and wrong.” there’s a difference between nicely correcting and respecting someone’s opinion AND attacking. And don’t get me started with the: “oh, i’m tired, i’m just going to sit here.” fuck, the whole point of being abroad is to fucking EXPLORE. i hate exploring with the wrong people, especially fucking toxic people.

one more thing! there’s this one girl who wanted to interview us and was curious about OUR thoughts and opinions about a certain aspect of their culture. so i honestly said what i thought about that specific culture. like i said something along the lines that it’s part of their culture and that people may see it as “abnormal” or something because they’re placed in a different setting that’s completely different from theirs, but it’s imbedded in their society blah blah. and then she rudely says “oh, you’re trying to sound smart now.” like i’m sorry i’m actually applying what i learned in college??? then she goes and attacks their culture and had the audacity to say it was “GROSS” like WTF. i know it’s completely different from our culture but i felt like even though she had the right to have that opinion, it was still completely unnecessary to state that a culture is “gross”

and she wonders why when i’m with her all she hears is S I L E N C E. cause i don’t want to open my fucking mouth around her.

i’m just...i KNOW i shouldn’t let this worthless POS get to me, but she’s fucking everywhere. my floor, my class, my outings.

i’m a fucking ball of anger and animosity and it is so unhealthy. i avoid her as much as possible and ignore her. but stupid me can not let it go.

fuck i’m still learning to be a good person. i’m still learning about myself. i’m just...getting tired again...i’m done.

and i’m sorry for talking shit.

REFLECTION TIME!

i’m glad that i pulled through with studying abroad though. it’s completely out of my comfort zone. traveling and flying out by myself for the first time and being in a different country is just something i thought i wouldn’t do...it was such a far-fetched dream.

to be honest, i wanted to go because i wanted to be independent and perform things on my own. of course, i was still treated like a baby and there were a few bumps that stressed me out (which is normal and it’s been integrated to my overall way of life)

but my best friend made me realize that i went so i can become independent from my family (i was - still am, i guess - in a rebellious phase at the age of 22 lol). made me realize how much my parents do for me and how much i actually miss them and my entire family. i appreciate them now more than ever.

But i know this was a good and right decision for myself.

i’m learning new things too...about people, about the culture itself in general, and i’m definitely learning more about myself. although i’m still depending on my friends (especially my roommate), my best friend reminded me that it’s normal to depend, but this type of dependency is different.

yes, people are able to do things on their own and i’m really really jealous of that, but i was babied my entire life!

BUT i am trying and i am learning.

i’ve meet some great people. i’ve met (one) shitty people.

i’m learning the extent of my patience. i’m learning to be kind. i’m learning to be a better person. i’m becoming more open-minded. i’m learning to be accepting. i’m learning my limitations.

i’m learning about life in general and i’m loving it.

of course, it’s inevitable for shitty things to happen. i need to accept and learn that not everything will be fine and dandy. i’ll have shitty days. but i’ll also have better days.

so keep your head up, me.

everything will be fine.

and fuck shitty people. you don’t need that in your life.

stay strong, you.

#personal #long ass post #rant #reflection #long post #this ended up being longer than it should

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