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trashlie · 13 days

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ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

#ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #I Love Yoo #Kousuke Hirahara #Shinhye #idk what to tag her as because we know she isn't known as Shinhye anymore #and because Simhan and their mother never married AND she was from a previous relationship Yoo isn't even her family name #so I can't really use Shinhye Yoo lol #alas #anyway this episode was DEVASTATING and quimchee said it's the beginning of the sad episodes meant to happen in March #literally said 'It's all downhill from here'#which I take to mean til the timeskip #BUCKLE UP BABIES WE'RE GOING FOR A BIG CRY SESH ;______;#i gotta say tho this episode didn't even make me cry - i guess because none of this is new and I've been bracing myself for it #Kousuke is so fucking wet cat it agonizes me ;_____;#I could write a whole essay on how Yui destroyed him and Nol in one fell swoop #i think a lot about precocious little Kousuke who tried so hard to be a good little boy and rushed through school because he wanted so badl #to hurry up and catch up to his father and join him in the workplace #all the opportunities he lost #the way he tried to fit himself into a personality a person he never picked out but just believed would get him what he wanted #he lost himself in the process #or maybe he never even got to know himself #i think too a lot about Kousuke who played piano and gave it up when he came to believe it wasn't important to his dad #that it didn't garner the attention and praise he seeked #so he dropped it to better mold himself into someone he thought Rand WOULD be proud of #FUCKING DEVASTATED #I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF SOBS

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trashlie · 2 years

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Thank you for answering my asks! I agree, Alyssa wanting to belong to something bigger to fill in a void of loneliness sounds like a better fit than simply being an attention seeker solely for the sake of validity.

I've been thinking of what will happen after Alyssa's bullying scandal is exposed and I'm starting to wonder if Shinae's bullying accusations will be brought up in tandem. Both girls covered in similar rumors and confronting a shared past, highlighting a key difference between them: true friendship. Which I hope is one of the possible or many catalysts for Alyssa.

No matter what reputation she gains in public, Shinae will be surrounded by her friends who genuinely know and support her. A full on Shinae Defense Squad! Meanwhile, Alyssa will have a fan base turning against her, except for the stans who have a parasocial relationship towards her.

So, what will Alyssa do when she's cornered again? Will she dig her heel in, clinging to all these strangers who only see her as an image, in a desperate attempt to not lose all she has left? Or will she realize all of her former friends are standing together while she has no one and have a wake up call? 1/2

You're totally welcome! I say it all the time but it's true: I get so excited that anyone wants to talk to me about this series and reads my really long, rambling thoughts lol. I'm always happy to answer asks and share my thoughts and ideas!

I'm putting the second half of your ask under the cut. While it's not totally spoilery, it still mentions FP content so we'll be safe and throw it all under the cut!

(This is a bit fast pass spoilery). Then what if the rumors of her sexuality come to light and they step in to protect her. Will she realize it then? What she truly lost was not fame? 2/2

So I, and many others, probably including you, have figured that if Alyssa has a big career-changing scandal, it will likely be about bullying allegations, because that's a big deal in Korea and it can really make or break someone's career, especially if it's true. But I won't lie - ep 196 made pause and wonder if it could be worse. Now, I'm going to straight up say, I really, really, really hope if it turns out Alyssa is, in fact, queer, I really hope she is not outed via a scandal, but also.... it would be one way to ruin her career, wouldn't it? It just doesn't sit well with me - I'd rather she get to embrace that herself one day than have it outed against her will. For that reason, I like to hope that it will be just bullying rumors.

Once upon a time, I had written about how I thought there was a possibility that if Alyssa's past came to light, Nol might see himself in her, but that was long before he finally talked to Shinae, so, lol I think that's all out the window! He's really been giving me whiplash this last year lol. That said, I've never considered if it would wind up involving Shinae. Part of me is inclined to think no, it wouldn't, because she's not the one who is in the limelight, but the more I think about it, the more I think it would at least involve her at the "local" level - whether it's just that someone slips up and says something, that the news reveals enough details to connect to Shinae, whether Alyssa herself actually names her. It certainly wouldn't be Alyssa's finest hour, that's for sure.

As always, I think these scenarios always depend on variable factors - like would Nol still be "dating" Alyssa at the time of the scandal, for instance. I still think there's an opportunity for Nol to see himself in Alyssa, especially because we still don't know what his altercation with Kousuke was like (was he provoked, was he cornered, was he acting out of malice or was it an accident?). I don't think it has to be either or, though, right? He can both see himself in Alyssa and what sympathize with what it's like to be painted as something you aren't, cornered into something you never meant to, while also acknowledging he is trying to be above all that - you know, supposing that's his choice. I still don't know if we are getting the antihero arc that everyone has anticipated for Nol, since I feel like the big emphasis on Shinae revealing to Nol how she mirrors him is meant to imply that he may try to find a way to leave all of that behind, and to be a version of himself that he chooses to be, as opposed to the one he's been painted as. But what I'm getting at is, I think there's yes the potential that while he could sympathize with Alyssa, he could also be part of a support system to Shinae, because humans are complex. But I think that could flip a switch for Alyssa.

Again, there's a lot of factors here, like... she and Nol have discussed the nature of their relationship, so there's no real expectation that he would take her side just because she's his girlfriend or anything, and they already have a lot of contention between them, but I think there's still room for to feel... I don't think betrayed is the right word because that's a little dramatic, but I think there's a lot of complicated emotions that could arise from that, right? Picture it from Alyssa's angle: she wound up wrapped up in something she never intended and was desperate trying to save face even though her choices were not the kindest, they were what she thought was right in the moment, and in the end she wound up hurting someone she (presumably) never intended to hurt, did something she never meant to do. And though she's not in love with Nol, and maybe they aren't even truly friends, wouldn't you feel some kind of complex feelings akin to betrayal for him to support the person directly involved with this? It's an interesting scenario and I DO like to hope it would make her think about true friendship. I can't say I'm confident it could make her reassess her approaches, but that's more because I cannot say I'm confident about anything Alyssa might do lol. In such a scenario, I'd hope she'd finally understand what it means to have a handful of people in your corner, rather than a lot of people who only care about one facet of you, a persona that may not even be real. In fact, I think this would be SUCH an interesting thing to explore, but I don't think we'll really get a chance to without adding 3 more years to the story lol, but isn't there something compelling in that kind of lonely story? Once again, this is a reason I've really come to love Alyssa as a character - there is SO MUCH that can be done with her!

I do think, though, you are right in that it needs to be more than just that fall from grace and finding herself alone - being juxtaposed against someone like Shinae who would have people supporting her, reassuring her. It's one of the best ways for her to really face that void she's trying to fill and finally understand what she really seeks.

Now, trying to tie this back into the sexuality, god, if done right, it could be so tender, couldn't it? I know I said I'm opposed to Alyssa being outed by someone else, because it doesn't sit right with me, and that's such a dangerous thing for someone if they are surrounded by people who don't support her, but also a story is not about the "right" choices because as we've learned lol in general, people do NOT make the right choices. So the idea of Alyssa being outed but defended by people who she doesn't have a good track record with, because they are, at heart, good people who think it's unfair to do that to someone, to reveal something so private before they are ready, makes me want to cry, frankly lol. For Alyssa, she'd be getting another taste of what she lost, of what she has willingly thrown away, and yes, I think that could actually do a good job of making her see that.

Ultimately a thought I have about most characters (and, frankly, people in general) is that often we have to go through something to change, or to finally see and face the ugly in ourselves, to address something we've been avoiding, to take on something we are running from. It is human nature to be so wrapped up in our own experiences that we forget others have experiences and biases of their own. For Nol to change, to be more honest with himself, he essentially had to "lose it all". To be fair, he sort of threw in the towel himself, decided to be exactly what he's been painted as and give up his efforts to try to have a better life - but that's still prompted by two points of "failure". He was a good person at the formal, tried to save a friend, and in the end he couldn't do it and she got hurt, plus the drug and assault charges. He was pushed to the brink and even when being a person who cars, even when being a good friend, it backfired. Likewise, it blew up his option to go away and escape, to attend his father's alma matter and not only prove to everyone he was more than they believed he was, but to find peace for a while. For him, he lost things because he dared to defy this life so he decided to concede, and in conceding he loses his escape, his chance to maybe make his father proud, and he lost his friends, because in his eyes he was not worthy of them and would only endanger them. Only then, after listening to Shinae's desperate attempts to lure him out, when lmao attacked by her cat, the final straw!!! Did he come out - and he had no intention of coming clean to Shinae, she just happened to overhear him!

I think it will be the same for Alyssa and Kousuke - that they cannot simply wake up and decide to change, or see themselves for what they are. They have to reach a point that forces them to contend with that. It's so easy to say "Why can't Alyssa just realize that fame is not the same as friendship", but someone who has conflated friendship with idolization isn't going to see it the same. Someone who has believed that popularity feels more secure cannot see that for themselves. Logically, she knows the love her fans have towards her is conditional. That's the whole point of that incident with the fans that spotted her out with Nol - even though Nol is right to tell them off for bothering her after she politely told them she can't take a picture, she also knows that fans will only give you their support as long as they like you. Refuse their whims and they'll take to the internet to trash you to anyone who will listen. She knows that's not real love, but it's all she has so she's clinging to it. What will prompt her to change, otherwise?

The more I ramble about this lol the more I think you are right: she has to see that hollow popularity foiled against true friendship, and maybe even be reminded of what it feels like, what it's like to be supported unconditionally. Even though I've repeated that I don't want her outed against her will, I cannot deny how much I would love to see at least Nol and Shinae try to protect her. I love the complexity of it - that they are both people she has hurt in some way, that she has used in some way, but could still be allies to her. Shinae has made it clear that her feelings about Alyssa are complex - that though she doesn't seem to hold a grudge, the weight of what transpired between them still weighs heavy on her and what she really wants is clarity, to clear the air and understand. There's something painful and messy about being defended by people you feel guilt and regret towards, especially as people who probably offered some of the truest friendship she's know. (I mean, I say this loosely because, again, Nol lol likely befriended Alyssa for his quest for absolution and while he didn't intend to truly be their friend, he still was a good friend to them?) I guess what I'm getting at is: I love those complex, nuanced kinds of events, where maybe they will never become friends again, but maybe the genuine act of defending her could be the thing that makes her want to be a better person, to form real friendships and be her honest self. I hope Alyssa sometimes thinks about the first friend she made in middle school, who thought everything about her that other kids might find weird was cool, and feels some kind of regret.

lol as always this has gone on a whole tangent that was not intended but also, as always, these kinds of asks get me thinking about a lot of things! Frankly, I do not know what to expect of the second half of ILY. I don't know where we will leave the story in the present, or what we'll be set up for then, but I hope that when we see the characters as adults, we may get to see more of that complexity, of exploring and overcoming the things that have been holding you back. Alyssa is an extremely unlikeable character for good reason, but I just can't help but want to continue to see her involved in a big way, you know? There's just something so COMPELLING about her relationships with everyone!

Now lol with all that said, I will fully acknowledge that I think there IS a good chance that Alyssa could dig her heels in, because as I've said before, it is very likely that not all characters will overcome their pasts. Again, we see it with grown adults every day of life - that we are shaped by experiences and by our willingness to learn and unlearn. Is Alyssa willing to let something go or would she decide to push back and fight it, to find a way to shift blame, which would only get netizens more fired up. I WANT Alyssa to make some non-shitty choices for once, but that doesn't mean that's the arc she's on lol. I would not be surprised in the least if she found a way to try to deflect lol. Just, yknow. A resigned sigh like yup that's her lol. Flawed people can die flawed without making attempts to change, and I don't want that for her but look, sometimes that's life.

Man, this took me so long to answer and I apologize! My brain has been running away all week ;_____; some days I can sit down and bang out a response, other days the words are all jumbled in my head and it feels like I have to make a game of stringing them together since I can't telepathically write my responses. But as always, thank you for this ask and indulging in my love of Not Great Women characters lmao

#I Love Yoo #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #ILY Brainrot #Alyssa Cho #Shinae Yoo #this is really only semi related but i gotta say: every time i answer asks like this it makes me wish i was capable of writing fic lol #there's so many things i think would be fun to explore in characters in universe but i just don't have the brains to think about where i #think this story is going and where i could set them TO explore that #i would LOVE to explore Alyssa facing the loneliness of a life she doesn't love yknow?#i'm still convinced she's an idol only for some other reasons - that maybe she thought being a trainee would boost her popularity and she #never intended to actually debut but yui came along and pulled some strings and now she's stuck doing something she doesn't love and never #wanted? GOD. that there are kids who would KILL to be in her role and she feels like she was pushed into it when she didn't truly want it?#that she's been performing so long she doesn't know how to be herself or if her true self even exists anymore - if she ever did?#or that maybe writing and composing is the only time she feels truly in touch with what she wants #idk maybe she HAS come to love performing! she was so excited to perform their new song and so mad Nol ruined the night but also #that could just be because it was a song SHE wrote something that's close to her something more in tune with her and she was upset he #ruined the night because it was supposed to be her big moment and now it's forever tainted #(plus yknow despite the fake dating i think she liked that he attended the party because it made her feel like maybe they were friends #again. so finding out he didn't even want to be there that there was somewhere else he wanted to be MORE hurt because it meant she was not #his first choice. it meant her friendship didn't mean anything or matter you know?)#GOOOOOOOOD i miss being confident in my writing because it would be SO satisfying to explore I JUST. LOVE TO EXPLORE EMOTIONS esp for #things that may never come to be stories that may not be what is really being told you know?#anyway as always thanks for enjoying my extreme rambling lmao

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