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mysmashplaythroughs · 4 years

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Pikachu Playthrough (Fire Red)

Fighter: Pikachu

Game: Pokemon Fire Red, Game Boy Advance. First Released on January 29th 2004.

Fighter Bio.

Pikachu is a species of Electric Mouse Pokemon which is the evolved form of Pichu and evolves into Raichu through the use of a Thunderstone. It is found most often in forests but also has been seen in urban environments such as towns and power plants. Pikachus raise their tails in order to monitor their surroundings and have been known to use their electric power to shock berries in order to tenderise them so they can eat them. They store electricity in the pouches on their cheeks and when many Pikachu gather, they can build their electricity to the point they can cause lightning storms. Pikachus charge electricity as they sleep and therefore will be weaker if they have been unable to rest. A Pikachu holding a light ball, an item that only it can use, will have its special and attack power doubled which can make it stronger without evolving. Pikachus sometimes tend to have a rivalry with their evolved form Raichu and have been known to refuse to evolve.

There have been a few specific notable Pikachu in the game series, the most famous being Red’s Pikachu who has been the highest level Pokemon in the game series used by an NPC. Cosplay Pikachu is another specific Pikachu, in this case a female Pikachu who can be dressed in different ways. Outside of the game series, Pikachu owes most of its fame to the anime series where it is the main character (who is based on Red) Ash’s starter Pokemon and is the only Pokemon that has travelled with him through every series. Due to this, Pikachu is considered the mascot of the entire Pokemon series with it often receiving a new variant, move or form in each Generation of Pokemon.

Crossovers with other Smash characters: As with many Pokemon there haven’t really been any crossovers of Pikachu appearing in other game series. The closest to any sort of crossover is Mario vs Wario being referenced on a tv screen in the Copy Cat’s house in Saffron City. It’s an interesting coincidence that this city is also the one where the Pokemon stage for Super Smash Bros 64 takes place.

Why this game?

I decided to go for this game with regards to Pikachu for a couple of reasons. The first and simplest reason is that this is its debut generation with it being from the Kanto Pokedex. I chose Fire Red as I find Fire Red and Leaf Green to be the best versions of Gen 1 to play, with them having the majority of improvements that had been made to the series by the time it had reached the GBA as well as having a lot more content available such as the Sevii Isles and Pikachu’s pre-evolution Pichu for example which wasn’t in the original game. I also have a lot of nostalgia for these versions of the games which I will detail in Pokemon Trainer’s (Red) post later when it comes to the game specifically. There are later games that would have been just as good to have Pikachu on the team in, however the reason I went for this specifically is that a lot of Super Smash Bros Pokemon content is influenced by the anime, with Pikachu being based a fair bit on Ash’s Pikachu. Therefore, I felt as Pokemon Fire Red is the story of Red’s journey that it made the most sense that my choice for the game to represent Red’s Pikachu, which was based somewhat on Ash’s Pikachu. Finally I’d like to note, I did play Pokemon Yellow later on my list which has Pikachu as the starter and is based on the anime more, however as I wanted to go for the game which is more in line with the overall game canon I decided to stick with this choice for the standard Super Smash Bros Pikachu.

My past with this Pokemon.

So I suppose, although I have long denied it, Pikachu is in a sense my favourite Pokemon of all time. The reason for this is not because of Pikachu as such however, but because my favourite Pokemon of all time is Raichu. As I personally tend to look at Pokemon as the whole evolutionary line overall by extension it would make Pikachu and Pichu (and definitely Alolan Raichu) my favourite Pokemon also. When it comes to me specifically with Raichu, back when I was in school and Pokemon was becoming extremely popular, I remember for some time I hated it, mostly as it was everywhere and I guess I was determined to be a non-conformist. I’ve always been a big fan of figurines however, and I remember when I was at school, seeing someone with a Raichu figure, which really interested me. I forget now but I think I asked them a fair bit about it and they let me have a look at it. I always put that down as the moment I decided to finally give in and look at Pokemon, granted knowing how much of a Nintendo fanboy I am I know it was inevitable I’d probably have looked into it regardless, still I’ve just always found Raichu cool, and that it was the less popular evolution of Pikachu appealed even more to the non-conformist in me I guess. Since then I’ve always been a huge fan of Raichu and I’ll admit it’s made me somewhat tired of Pikachu getting all the glory, so when Raichu finally got something new with its Alolan form I was ecstatic.

Anyway, that’s enough about Raichu, when it comes to Pikachu, I think my favourite element of it has always been that despite its popularity, overall it’s not a huge draw in the games. Pikachu has over the years seen various upgrades such as the Light Ball which powers it up, various alternate forms and unique moves, however in the original Red and Blue it was a fairly simple Pokemon that was somewhat uncommon and would appear not too far into the game, in Viridian Forest. I think that’s always been my favourite aspect of Pikachu when it comes down to it, that it’s not a special event Pokemon, or even a starter Pokemon (barring games like Pokemon Yellow of course) but really just a cute and fairly useful Pokemon you can come across or just totally ignore if you want. I’ve personally often caught a Pikachu during my playthroughs of Gen 1 not just as I want Raichu, but I’ve just always liked finding it, it’s the main thing I tend to look out for in Viridian Forest really. Despite all I’ve said here, I did like however the starter Pikachu in Pokemon Yellow who follows you around, to the point as a kid I’ll admit I’d have a Pikachu plush that I’d like to pretend to go on adventures with. I guess my final comment on Pikachu is simply that whilst I like the current design, I’ve always preferred the chubbier Pikachu design, which coincidentally was the design used in the very first Super Smash Bros before the later games went with the more streamlined version.

My Smash Playthrough.

My Pikachu was Level 56 when I finished the game, with a Bold nature and having been met in Viridian Forest at Level 3. It has the ability Static and the moves Thundershock, Quick Attack, Thunderbolt and Thunder. I remember due to its unevolved form it would struggle a fair bit later in the game with its low defences. If it could pull off an attack however it could still do a fair bit of damage so it didn’t struggle as much as some of the other Pokemon I used in the playthrough. The Elite 4 were the biggest challenge as they often are, however more so in this playthrough than usual due to me using a fair few unevolved Pokemon. Pikachu was able to hold its own against certain Pokemon due to its type advantage following a lot of training, taking down a fair few of Lorelei’s Pokemon and doing well against Gyarados. Beyond this however there aren’t a lot of events related to Pikachu I can remember in this specific playthrough.

Specific aspects about the game relating to Pikachu in Smash.

When it comes to Pokemon it’s usually not too difficult to replicate their portrayal in Super Smash Bros. Pikachu had the moves Thundershock, Quick Attack, Thunderbolt and Thunder in my playthrough of Fire Red. Thunder and Quick Attack are directly used by Pikachu in Super Smash Bros, however in the Smash series, Pikachu uses an attack called Thunder Jolt which does not exist in the Pokemon series. Due to the attack not doing a lot of damage I therefore felt that Thundershock was the best alternative for it. When it comes to Pikachu’s other move from Super Smash Bros, Skull Bash, this move is only learned by Pikachu in Gen 1, and is not available for it in Fire Red. Due to this, I felt that the best move to give Pikachu based on its attacks in Super Smash Bros was Thunderbolt, which I feel can be seen as a stand-in for Pikachu’s forward smash attack, where it releases a large orb of electricity right in front of it from its cheeks, causing more damage than Thunder Jolt and therefore I felt matched Thunder Bolt. I can see the argument due to Pikachu’s forward smash being more close range that it should be a physical rather than special electric attack, however the only physical electric attacks I know of all involve Pikachu charging forward, except for Nuzzle which matches the description but does very little damage and is more used to paralyse opponents, something the forward smash doesn’t do. Volt Tackle, Pikachu’s final smash is only available through breeding and therefore I felt would require me to use a different Pikachu to the one I would use throughout the game’s story, so I decided against going for that set up. Finally, when it comes to matching the aesthetic of the Super Smash Bros version of Pikachu, I used a regular Pokeball to catch it, which is what is used when Pikachu enters battles in Super Smash Bros.

I would like to note that in later playthroughs of other games, I have managed to specifically replicate the Pikachu from Super Smash Bros, by bringing one from the Virtual Console release of Pokemon Blue to Sword and Shield, meaning it was able to learn Thunder Bolt, Quick Attack, Skull Bash and Thunder. This Pikachu is the closest in setup to the Super Smash Bros incarnation and is the one pictured in the screenshot from Pokemon Ultra Moon in this post which it was in before I transferred it to Pokemon Sword. With that said, the Pikachu I have been talking about in this playthrough of Fire Red is the closest I could get to playing through Gen 1’s story with Super Smash Bros Pikachu overall.

Credits.

For information on this game including dates of releases I must give credit to Bulbapedia.

The screenshots in this post are taken by me using Pokemon Ultra Moon and Let’s Go Pikachu, the reason why is because I am unable to get screenshots of Game Boy Advance games which weren’t ported to Wii U, also the events of Let’s Go take place in Kanto, so I felt they were the best alternative.

#Pikachu #Pokemon #Pokemon Fire Red #Gameboy Advance #GBA #Super Smash Bros #My Smash Playthrough #My Smash Playthroughs

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drferox · 5 years

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So I am feeling under the weather again and wanted to take a break from the usual to daydream about the farm I would one day like to have in the future, and all the things on it.

Basically a permaculture set up maintained by a small group of people that either live full or part time on the property, trying to be self-sustaining and do away with modern monocultures as much as we possibly can. I would love to be maintaining genetic stocks of plants and animals that had fallen out of favor with industrialisation and factory farming, those that perhaps were less efficient as converting feed into animal protein, but those that were hardier on ‘unimproved’ (read: more natural) terrain. Heritage and old-style breeds.

The LSB might be spending his time figuring out how to build Earthships and set up aquaponics and the tech side of it, while I spend my time thinking about the biosphere side.

Oof, I want my fluffy Highland Cattle so badly. Smaller than some of the european breeds, hardy on unimproved pasture and good mothering instincts means they’d probably do quite well on a gradually improving system. Plus they’re one of the breeds most genetically similar to the ancient Aurochs, which is cool in and of itself, but with so much of our beef cattle herd being angus/hereford/shorthorn and the occasional wagyu (whether that’s real wagyu or not) I would really like to maintain a pocket population of these cattle, even if I can only manage 6-8 breeding cows and their offspring.

Some homesteaders milk one as their house cow, but I have a fondness for the old Jersey cow and wouldn’t mind having one around for milk, but I’m not sure if she’d bee too productive or require more feed supplements than we have available. So I would be hoping to carefully experiment with crossing the Jersey to Highlands and see what a 50:50 or 25:75 cross produces and whether that’s suitable for whatever land we end up with. I’d also be very curious to see what a Jersey’s mothing instincts are like if she has other cattle with good mothering instincts to hang around, watch and learn from. (Because whether cows have a cultural component to mothering behavior is something I’d be curious to look at)

Tamworth pigs! An older breed that is barely hanging on in Australia (and importing new pig genetics is nearly impossible with our quarantine rules), I would be really keen to help the conservation of this breed one day. They’re not as long-backed as the Large White x Landrace pigs that are mostly used in commercial and factory farming setups, which means slightly less bacon meat per pig, and they have smaller litters typically or around 8 instead of around 10-12, but they’re better foragers, typically lose less piglets to mortality even in free range settings and they’re brown! Which under the Australian sun means less UV associated skin conditions/cancers. Imagine them foraging through weedy land to help clear it, or foraging under the fruit trees in established orchards.

Goat friends! Partly to graze down weeds and rough land, and partly because I enjoy being around goats and would love to be able to make goatmilk soap.

Chickens are something that I must have one day, and something that I need to research a heck of a lot more. I want to be able to maintain multiple different genetic groups so I can have different coloured eggs.

All of those egg colours are from chickens! And I think that’s fantastic. But I need to look a lot more into the breeds that are actually available in Australia, brush up on my pet chicken medicine skills, and sit down to do the maths and logistics about maintaining all these separate breeds of chickens together. But somebody has to scour the vegetable patches of bugs and it’s going to be these funky little dinosaurs.

Peacocks are another species I’d be interesting in keeping, espeically some of the weirder colour combinations like charcoal and cameo. I’m not sure on their availability though, and haven’t seen much on their health in general so of course curious to know more about these relatively uncommon colours.

They’re also a kind of family history thing, so perhaps more mascot than anything else, but the feathers are lovely.

I thought about quails for more species diversity, but probably wouldn’t do turkeys or ducks. Turkeys may be difficult to keep healthy if they’re rotating over ground that had chickens in it in a free range system, and to be honest there are plenty of native duck species that I’d rather visit and fly away instead of trying to keep. They’re quire messy little critters, cute as they are.

Geese though, geese are a maybe. They can graze, and in a rotational grazing system they’re useful because there are multiple species of worms that cattle, pigs and even kangaroos can transmit which the geese do not, so there’s potentially a job for them there.

I haven’t contemplated rabbits at all because there are already so many feral ones, and they come with myxo, that keeping domestic rabbits on a rural property seems just unwise. And there are feral deer, feral pigs, and kangaroos/wallaby in many rural areas that they have to be accounted for too. Feral pigs are a quarantine risk for domestic pigs, feral deer can bring in too many worm species, but the roos can visit as long as they stay on the grasses and not the vegetable gardens.

I couldn’t forget fish either. Our freshwater rivers have been in such a bad shape for so long, why wouldn’t I farm native freshwater species in the farm dams or an aquaponics system? Even if most of what we need from the fish is their poop, I like looking at fish, and maintaining a healthy population independent from the whims of river water politics would make me feel slightly more comfortable about the future.

Murray cod and perch are the commonly available species, but with enough tanks there’s no reason I couldn’t have other, smaller river species or even invertebrates that are local to wherever we end up. Gotta keep those genetics alive somewhere, and if we can do it, why wouldn’t we?

Bugs and bees! We’d need to have corridors of native plants as havens for native insects (I want my Christmas Beetles back on the landscape, thank you) but also strips of non-native and cottage wildflowers and herbs to feed the honey bees, grow our drier herbs and florals for soap making.The plan being having lots of different species mixed together makes it harder for pathogens to take hold

And that’s just animal breeds I’d really like to have running around the place, before even looking at the heritage breeds of cottage vegetables that have been making a comeback through places like Digger’s. I think my favourite is Granny’s Throwing Tomato.

#rambling #one day #permaculture #the goal #personal

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kendrixtermina · 7 years

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My Abuser’s been convicted

He’s not going to jail, though he did get a sentence on probation. But he’ll have to spent years working on a remore Island to pay off the fines & debts. It’s as if he were going to jail.

If weren’t if it was just this, like, he didn’t get convicted for the actual abuse but more a peripheral consequence thereof that came back to bite him.

My emotions are kind of in a twist over this & how this fits into the moving on with my life.

TRIGGER WARNING

The Backstory

He’s not being convicted for abuse - indeed, the best thing I can say about him is that he never broke a law. Never left any bruises, never did outright improper touching, kept me fed & provided with material possesions adequate to our overall living standards... and treated all this like it was something he deserved a badge for, or a horrible undue burden I had imposed on him.

He had so little of a personal connection to him, most of what I know about his life I puzzled together from his few non-horrible relatives and what my mom was told. I never knew he played chess though I took an interest in it in third grade which came to an end over a soul-crushing experience. I didn’t know where he was in the birth order ( Second Born - Which makes some things about how my brother and I were treated and even named very creepy) I only recently found out that his father cheated with & eventually remarried a woman my father’s own age. There’s another thing I can’t disclose for ethical reasons, but, he kept humiliating me in situations related to my mathematics grades till he squeezed all joy out of the subject for me and in the context of what I know it proves that he just never had the slightest shred of empathy for me.

Well, a parent is supposed to protect their children from their own bad experiences. Not recreate them out of sadism and jealousy. Heck, Im pretty sure he only f***d my mother to breed smart children that would perform well academically, never stopping about how his family is all academics, alternating between calling me stupid & inept, a lazy waste of talent or a person who was “smart but heartless”. I’m nothin but an object to him. He has:

Threatened that my mom would kill herself if I don’t do his bidding.

He’s forcibly grabbed me and showed his hand into the cleavage of my dress to supposedly show off to my mother how innapropriate the dress was.

Expected me to hug & comfort him after spats with my mother. What am I his girlfriend?

He’s reacted to me being bullied (and once even coerced into undressing by bullies!) by blaming and mocking me. I can still hear him calling me a clown, an embarassment and a “Make-Me-Laugh-Thing” and going on on how I basically couldn’t expect anything else

He called me a “rotten pile of nazi entrails” at age 11 for being unhappy enough to consider running away

He pushed me toward hobbies he liked & then tried to push the same ones onto one of my sisters, essentially “replacing” me post puberty.

He’s continued to threaten to leave us & replace us with adopted children because we’re supposedly such “ingrates”

. If you cry in front of him, he’d accuse you of “threatre”.

I’ve heard my mother cry about how his eyes would never sparkle as much for anything related to his family as they did for his job, how she knew he didn’t love her, was afraid he’d leave her without money & only valued her as a baby factory. He tried to push her into adoption & terrorized her children to pressure her. I’ve come home to constant arguments and objects being thrown around.

When I graduate from highschool a year ahead, he say there was “nothing to celebrate” because it wasn’t all As & proceeded to humiliate me in front of my siblings.

He would frequently tell lies about me to my family (Sometimes I have nightmares about this)

He’s been known to throw me me into walls as a teenager

Once, while he did that, my head very narrowly missed a hard metal radiator. that night, I crept into bed with my mother at the age of 14 because I was so terrified he’d KILL me. Now I know that he never would have, but he kept going on about how everything was dangerous & filled our heads with fear & how we’d kill our siblings if they as much as bumped into hard objects and he said that exact same thing over and over again, “Careful with hitting your heads”.

I was kept locked & isolated from other children & forbidden from leaving the house or going on school trips/ sllepovers until age 11

Blame me for everything that went wrong in the family (including one time one of my sisters - then a toddler! - gave herself a second degree burn. )

Destroyed my favorite toys to terrorize me, repeatedly threatened to kick me out or destroy my computer with all my writing on it

Never read anything I wrote, called it “satanic” and that it was “all lies” because I “knew nothing about people”. Repeatedly shamed me for my introversion & used it against me

called me ugly, crazy, fat, selfish, inept, stupid, a tool, immoral... anything in the book. After a while he noticed that “inept”, “selfish”, “pointlessly rebellious” and “easy to provoke”, as well as terrorizing my mom & siblings hurt the most & weaponized the shit out of it.

Said I would never get laid & how ugly and unfuckable I am. Yes my own father.

Once I DID get laid, of course... well, he didn’t use the word slut but he basically called me a slut.

Bisexuality is a phase, liberalism is a phase, atheism is a phase... I am a phase, because apparently, he gets to decide what the real me is that he supposedly “loves” despite repeatedly equating queer people with pedophiles atheists with nazis and sex out of wedlock with degeneracy.

Tried to have me institutionalized/removed from the family over bogus claims. They ran all possible tests & didn’t find anything, not that I found this out until years later... years that I basically spent resigned that I was some kind of defective mutant freak incapable of bonding with other humans and basically hating myself from ages 9 to 13. (As to how I survived and what happened at age 13, I’ll just say “Art, Sarah and the Internet” and “Neon Genesis Evangelion”, respectively)

The constant condescension, dismissiveness, mockery, and twisting of my words

Et cetera et cetera; That’s only what I’ve been unable to forget.

Think Humbert Humbert if he liked adult women & had his creepy obsession with procreation instead of youth. The exact same self-serving pretentiousness. That’s him. That’s exactly him. It’s like his throat spits acid instead of words; I used to say that if the happiert person in the room listened to him long enough, they’d end up suicidal. Or, if we go for maximum hipster, this hits the nail on the head:

But very later I have learned

To accept some friends of ridicule

My whole existance is for your amusement

And that is why I’m here with you

To take me with your eyes

Given how tumblr’s full of terrible stories of families where sibling bonds were poisoned & people wound up with depression, anxiety or CPTSD I got off pretty fucking lightly with my damn procrastination/self-motivation problem (by the way a very common result of controlling or stage parents.) that I might be kinda sorta getting a grip on. Helps that I had at least one decent Parent.

20 years I constantly felt like I was totally replaceable. The man definitely wanted his money back on me, or whatever stepford robot daughter he expected to get when he first put his filthy dick into my mom.

Every single frustration is his life (that still ended with him being a wealthy, respected Doctor, mind you) he took out on me and the others. But he hated me the most (Though he was pretty shitty to mom and Isabel, too. The others, he simply neglected. Both sucked in its own ways.)

When I was younger, all I wanted with all the inrresponsibe childish stuff I did at times was just for him to get that he HURT me, not for his sake, but my own, to prove that I EXIST have FEELINGs as more than an object basically.

I never wanted his approval or love (I rather had the opposite problem that I felt gross doing thins he might approve of) in fact I felt uneasy around him early on and my first memories of him are of him treating me capriciously and pushing me to be his mini-me. (By contrast my earliest memory of my mom involves songs and funtime in a garden and her explaining to me what a tulip is), but I guess I thought I had to “win” and prove my reality to him.

I read up on narcissistic abuse on the web, I saw an university councellor who implored me to move out, but the decision was mine, when I ascertaind my theories so to speak. I realized that it was not that I was explaining badly or failing to be stoic enough, but that he was provoking & playing sadistic games with me. I was talking to someone who was going “lalala” and using everything I said or revealed as a weapon against me. I was just exhausting my energy there, and making my feeling catharsis & justified depending on his fucking aknowledgement. Thee’s no convincing someone who’s actively refusing to hear.

When I realized that he would rearrange reality to fit is view of being alwys right, saw in full awareness how uch he bent and warped his story to suit his whims no matter what I said, that my revenge fantasies had value of catharsis without having to be implemented in real life, that they were, in fact, wasted on him, I left.

I realized that he was the only one who treated me as worthless and how much my other relatives loved me. I found out that I am perfectly typical specimen of a somewhat uncommon but not altogether outlandish personality type.

On the occasions that we met, I did my best to ignore and avoid him, and he’d try to force me into interacting with him on the pretense of “politeness” and did the usual “Your bad for not forgiving me” shtick.

After a while, I reached the point where I could mostly forget about him and not spiral into this blood vessel popping rage every time something reminded me of him. It was nice to not be mocked or yelled at or have new things I liked spoiled by him. I actually lost a bunch of weight just from all the frustration-induced-comfort-food-binging and family-dinner-avoiding-late-night-snacking i was no longer doing. Getting rid of him must have added years to my life.I’m sure moving out added years to my life But I didn’t want to give up on the things he already spoiled & posoned with impossible expectations, so I was still living with the consequences of what he did to me every day while he wasn’t.

Sometimes he came up as a logical cause - and nothing will change that not even this new developement - even though I tried & reached a point where im bored of discussing him and just want to forget he exist/ not think about him

So what happened

Well, what happened is really fucking poetic.

You can’t come up with this shit.

Sometimes RL writes the best stories and outdoes all fiction, or perhaps fiction authors understand the human condition well enough.

Tax fraud. He’s in trouble for tax fraud. Exept, he frauded no taxes. He pushes all his paperwork, organization and finances off to his wife and has been doing so for years. Can’t even make a bank transaction, never bothered, never lived on his own. Used to call it “traditional family” and “archieving more as an unit” but what it actually is is, he does his job (which he enjoys way more than wife or children) and mom does everything else, including part of his job - not the actual doctorring, but, he ouht to have paid a secretary for everything she’d do. He’d monopolize her for hours to talk job. We had only one parent, except when he came home, then we had zero parents.

Finances, Parenting, Housekeeping, her own job... all this was done by mom. Lazy bastard never lift a finger, and everyone thinks he’s such a hard worker. He sure does he’d never shut up.

So, my mom’s sister got struck with horrible disease, going from a hard working single mother to complete invalid in a matter of months. Terrible injustice, because she was a really good person. So, at the same time, the financial crisis hits spain - no jobs or future for her daughters. no help from their father cause he was a serial deadbeat. So, what my mom did was, reevacuate them all to Germany. They have their own place now, one of my cousins is now a nurse & earning her own cash for the family, but, at first, his meant having four extra people living in our house one of which was running up huge medical bills, two girls, my aunt and my grandma, all eating, showering, needing everyday commodities...

My mom says in hindsight she should have taken a loan but what she ended up doing, perhaps carelessly, was give false numbers on her tax returns. To feed & care for her sick sister and unemployed family members/ now functionally parentless nieces, get the good education and stuff.

She blames herself a lot more than I blame her; It was kind of a “chaotic good” act IMHO, if there’s a price there’s a price I see they can’t have everybody not paying taxes, but, she did it to FEED HER FAMILY, like, people are more important than money. I believe she was justified there (or I guess that’s my chaotic neutral showing).

But - She was beating herself up over this & possibly risking the house loans & getting her husband into trouble - it was his money after all, police came & pretty much raided their house for the money, it’s a wealthy Doctor so they think he pocketed the cash for simple ol’ greed and blew it on gold chains or cocaine or something. Nope. He had no clue. (does he ever? He doesn’t know basic shit about any of us.)

That alone didn’t do it - Instead, I suspect he rather enjoyed his favorite game of playing martyr and my mom, having a conscience, was gonna take full responsibility and accept jail.

But here’s the kicker: They didn’t buy it. No one would believe that he wasn’t in on it, that he didn’t know what he was doing with his own money. They thought he was blaming his wife to save himself. That he pushed everything onto his wife to the point that he has no clue about his own finances seemed so silly they didn’t buy it. Like many times when I complained about him, his level of jerkass was believed to be too ridiculous to be true - It seemed more likely to them that my mom was simply taking one for the team. Personable, humbly pudgy lady, hardhearted slimey smartass who get lawsuits for being callous to patients before? Who’d you suspect of tax fraud? All the times I heard “Well he’s a doctor and you’re just a crazy little girl” turned upon their head.

Irony is he’d never do it. And I say that as someone who hates his guts. Same reason he’ll brag about how women dig him and the children he makes but would never actually cheat - He’s too in love with the idea of his own rightheousness. He’s too proud. It’s what his ego is built on. In contrast to his wife, he’s all about them rules wether they’re moral or not.

And, this is my suspicion because I didn’t wanna pry here, but, I guess he acted like not dumping her over this meant she’d sold him her soul, the usual “ingrate” shtick he pulls whenever he’s displeased- He must have said something outrageous and kellyanne conway levels of reality-bending -

And mom flipped. At least, she says things happened to make her spill things she’d held back long. I’m not sure if she said this or if he arrived at this on its own, but, he seemed to arrive at the conclusion that this would not have happened if he hadn’t pushed everything onto his wife & actually been there for her.

As my mom puts it, lots of stuff came together - an ex-co worker conspiring to run out of an old job, me not talking to him, the tax problem... and he couldn’t find a rationalization other than “You’re an animal and there’s a point to what everyone is saying”, and perhaps for the first time, he saw reality. She says it got through to him what he did not me, and by extension what he did wrong with everyone else. Apparently, things have been rather different since that day.

He’s actually staying out of my way. I don’t have to worry about him inviting himself to my wedding. He’ll be working at the new job he took to collect the money he owes the ministry of finance, but isn’t insisting that my family comes along. So often, he dragged us across the country for his career & took us all away from our friends, but it seems that this time, my sisters get to keep their friends & mom gets to get the new job where she holds a leading position & is well respected. She even said he’d understand if he’s missed that particular train for good.

Also when little Jana came to visit him, he seemed to actually spend time with her & organize a great & eventful holliday for her.

At least, that’s what my mom says. I’m so use to his fake promises of change, his false remorse, and his flashy gestures of ingratiating behavior - How would anyone ever know the difference for sure?

Especially the vacation for the child, he’d dne things like that before (regardless of wether the children actually enjoyed what he’d planned for them), flashy gestures to prove his “goodness”. flimsy words that “everything will be different”.

I just don’t want to engage with it personally.

But you know what makes me believe something changed? Because the person telling me this was my mom, speaking in her own voice - It’s not the dictated Voice Of God(TM), his majesty demanding that everyone accept his version of reality or accept the label of a selfish terrible person.

It’s her own perspective that I’d sometimes hear when she was angry, a perspective that’s more optimistic than mine & wants to see the good in people; She doesn’t agree with me on everything, she still thinks his deeds were the product of ineptitude rather than malice, entitlement and objectification, but, it’s not like I need her to agree with me.

The difference is still startling. That wasn’t his Paradigm or what I had experienced so far at all, looking at me leaving as a selfih capriciousthing I did to hurt them or he helping my fuckup self out and i better be grateful.

She told me instead to convey her utmost thanks to the therapist lady and that moving out was one of the best things that ever happened (!!!), that this was super strong, mature & unexpected of me(aparently she and grandma had written me off as the family spinster and liable to set myself on fire besides XD ...Fair enough, actually, there were quite some misadventures ^^°) That she thought I even looked different since then when my facial muscles weren’t all contorted in anger & more of a glow beingthere (which she attributed largely to my fiancé so far - and sure, he helped. I cannot stress the awesome enough.)

There was a total aknowledgement that I didn’t owe him shit and that the shit of the past justifies my not talking to him, no pressure, no judgement, no hope or expectation that we would ever get along, just - there were more gushy positive things that I can remember right now. I don’t wanna toot my own horn, it’s just what happened.

And I’m not sure what to do about/with it.

What now

It’s a strange feeling and I’m still processing it. I’m only now writing post though I’ve known about it for a few days. I’ve just been doing things, talking to peeps etc....

In true 5 fashion I couldn’t interact with my BF after that and took a long nighttime walk for cooling/processing (I talked to him right after that tho)

It might seem callous - but, I’m unable to feel anything other than callousness towards this person, because else I could not have survived his constant guilt tripping. The dude just activates my eight, if you pardon the typology speak.

All I feel is “Serves you right.” Serves you right for being two-faced, bit ya in the ass didn’t it?

Because, he spent all this time convincing the world he was this perfect person, and now they all believed him, and there’s no way Mr. Perfect don’t do his own taxes.

I understand that it is objectively wrong for someone to be convicted of something he didn’t do. Maybe this is a childish idea of vindictiveness or justice, but, at its heart, that’s not what it’s about. It’s just that in a way it’s a validation of my reality and that I wasn’t making him up, things I kept saying... “If you don’t wanna leave him, then let him do his own laundry for a few weeks”

It’s that it was for years like everyone thought he was perfect and I was the only one who could see his filthy side and now it’s out in the open. I hit him back. I made him understand. I got him to ignore me back/ leave me in peace. I helped my family be treated better - as a child, I had a hard time accepting that I couldn’t do that, that it wasn’t my place and that the last thing my mom needs is someone else asking her to pick sides or telling her what to do. It was a hard, humbling maturation process with ongoing slipups there to, like, detach, and leave it t me siblings & mom what was their business & none of mine and respect their choices.

I stopped caring about the other things, too, at least, when I left. I didn’t want or expect him to ever aknowledge my world, my perception or feelings. It’s kind of some of the things I wanted once but didn’t want to want anymore and even if I did, it’s all burned & charred and I’ll never be able to show that person the trust necessary for an intimate relation, not after all the lies, fake apologies that couldn’t be bought without accepting that he was right bout everything after all, and all the emotional expressions so far being used as tools to hurt & control me. I still have nothing in common with him nor any reason.

After the conversation, I felt... purged, the awknowledgement that I somehow do have power, but at the other hand, this doesn’t really change anything for me.

If he changes - great for him. Great for the family members still attached to him. But I don’t care about HIM, I have to care about me because he never did and nothing changed for me.

The scary shadow that’s embedded itself in my consciousness so much I still hear it after 2 years of avoiding the man (half of which has been spent happily engaged) may no longer have any sort of physical counterpart in reality.

So what does that mean for me? theres not a real enemy to push against. or there may or may not be it shouldn’t depend on tht. its not like i believe or need to believe in automatic karma

All in all, I have a feeling like World War II just ended and the Americans just arrived. On the one hand the bad guy were punished... not perfectly, but enough, hard enough to make them look pitiful, I’ve survived, but everything is still in ruins and irretriavably decimated.

I never want to say never because I aknowledge that it is always possible for me to learn - I thought it was unlikely I’d ever get married and even less to a man, but I said it might be possible, and now ive come across this situation and this person where it makes perfect sense and is totally worth it. If I had said “cia, doesn’t fit my profile” the moment he suggested it, I would have missed this.

Then again, I also hold that conflating 0% sure and 99% sure is one of the great errors of humanity - there is such a thing like reasonable doubt but that does not mean knowing nothing. Knowing almost everything is not knowing nothing. its just a fact of how our universe works sometimes - what is the position & impulse of an electron at any given moment? Can’t say, it’s uncertain to a measurable degree.

We can’t disprove that there isn’t a big pink sucker on the backside of pluto but we have no reason to suppose it either.

And at that level of certainty,have to say I would be unable to forgive the man or even feel anything other than hatred toward him if he wore the crown of thorns

I can’t ever trust him & emotionally reveal myself to him, too often has he twisted my words. It’s not about being obsessed with him either - there’s 7 billion peeps on this planet he’s welcome to make friends with im just not one of them. I’m generally not friends with people just for the heck of it.

I mean, I get it. Mom says she may have been too hesitant to let me go, the counselling lady said something in that direction, I might be biased as her daughter, but, actually, I think she was right in her estimate/ justified in that reluctance, like, I get it, I’m a vaguely shizoid hyperdweeb and peopling is hard for me. Even if this high grade quality snowflake relationship there’s work - as hthere always seems to be, realistically - and don’t have this natural sense for what people expect.

But though I reserve the right to declare this some premature epiphyny just in case and for personal effort, I’m... and a spent a while debating & deliberately decising the word choice here.... beginning to dare think that I might be able to like, handle that & make peace with it like I’ve made peace with my inner unapologetic snowflakey emo child back in my teens.

#emotional abuse #feelings

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