#and i'm such a hypocrite with it but i just. i can't. i don't know what i need

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am i the A-hole for trying to protect a women focused space?

I'm the mod from the super one sided retelling of the "Refusing to change OC's sexuality to bi/pan" situation. Shin (the person who wrote that post) know i don't use tumblr so of course he bring the drama here so that people would judge "Laura" and me without knowing the full truth. Thankfully, a dear friend of mine who followed this blog told me about this and was kind enough to allowed me to send this ask using her account.

First of all, it's pretty clear that Shin is lying about his identity. Shin said he is a trans man but he admitted that he don't want to transition beside wanting flat chest. Shin also said that he is south east asian but his display name and his OC's name are all japanese, which is a huge sign of white weeb fetishizing japanese culture. The fact that his english and understanding of slangs is way too good to be south east asian.

Secondly, Shin joining this server knowing that 90% of the members are yumejoshi, he should be grateful of the fact that we even allowed those yaoi characters invading what basically a space for women. I know we advertised the RP as a non-shipping focus death game story but you should have read the room and know what type of people this space is catering to and not bring your gay character in if you didn't want him to be shipped with women.

Thirdly, if Shin was uncomfortable then he should have made it clear from the start instead of letting "Laura"s character flirting with his, like having him respond rudely or out right rejecting her or something. Shin said he is having undiagnosed autism in his bio then he should have understand how it feel when people don't state what they mean clearly. His OC still being nice to "Laura"'s OC even if he didn't like the flirting, of course she would misunderstand that his OC developed romantic feeling for her OC.

Fourthly, Shin said before that he didn't count alternate timeline versions of a character from a visual novel he likes the same as the original timeline version because of their different life experiences then why can't he do the same to his OC? Why can't he just agree to let "Laura" make an alternate version of his character if in his logic they are completely different people? Hypocrite much?

And finally, "Laura" was very upset about this and it took her a while to move on, she could have hurt herself back then because of you. Also, we had to revised our server's rules and banned all the non-yumejoshies, which cut several RPs short.

So who is really the A-hole here?

#aita #am i the asshole #misgendering cw

[md-confessions]

Trigger Warning for abuse since I am going to be talking about it a lot.

My honest reaction to TSM anon's confessions/posts trying to justify J's treatment of N. (They're so ass)

Ok so uhh... Anyway I'll try to debunk some of the points:

First of all: yes the fuck she is abusive! Search the damn definition on Google or the dictionary, it's exactly what she's doing, like beat for beat.

Let's start with two examples: one from the manor and another from copper-9.

J kicking N in the manor flashback: for context N and V had literally just bumped into each other, made a spark and both were trying to clean up the mess they made, then comes in Ms. Tenth letter of the alphabet with a kick to N's face for like no fucking reason whatsoever.

J stepping on N's chest while he clearly struggles: In the pilot during the scene that introduces the Alphabet squad during J's introduction she has her foot on his chest while saying he's useless, terrible and if she could, she'd kill him herself and N is very clearly struggling to even breath.

Those two very clearly ARE abuse, the second one even has a tinge of verbal abuse!

Ok so TSM tried to justify both these actions by us not knowing the full context.

The context of the kick is that: there is none, that kick was completely unprovoked, so J had absolutely no reason for kicking N aside from him being in her way from the "move it moron" line, and she changes up her attitude completely at Tessa being there, her visor showing those hollow eyes that drones show when worried or scared.

But even if you say "oh but N was in J's way so she kicked him out" but she could have just, you know, MOVED A LITTLE BIT TO THE RIGHT?!?!? And also that does not excuse kicking a person in the face.

Context of the second scene is: THERE IS NONE, ONE AGAIN! The reason that scene exists is to show that A. J is abusive towards N, and B. J is a hypocrite! Let me explain, A is very self explanatory, stepping on someone's chest and verbally abusing them is very clearly well... Abuse and B is to show that even though she calls N useless, N has shown throughout the rest of the series he is a very competent fighter, arguably better than his fellow DDs and also that even though J was pretty much insulting N for being weak, she got killed by a Angsty bisexual 18-year-old with a pen and a Railgun made out of like, scrap.

I don't know how you can genuinely look at those scenes and go "J isn't an abuser" even though yes she fucking is.

Also I dead ass forgot that second post aside from the "why would Cyn put N in the squad if his abuser?" Part, which has a very simple explanation: it wasn't Cyn, it was Mr. Solver of the absolute fabric itself! It used Cyn as a host, Cyn wasn't in control, she prob has been dead for a long ass time.

The solver is sadistic and it likes fucking with the alphabet squad, take V as an example: it allowed V to keep her memories, just to make V's trauma even worse.

The solver thinks it's funny to traumatize people so why wouldn't it think putting a person in the same team as their abuser wouldn't be?

Anyways I've been typing this since 5:30 AM, and now it's 6:50 and I got school so I'll stop here, if you got anything else to add put it in the reblogs ig...

Final note: I haven't been abused myself (not that I remember) so I can't really fully grasp the concept, but still, J's treatment of N is like, the dictionary definition of Abuse, I'm very bad at understanding other people and their emotions and I'm not super great at analysing characters but this shit is so obviously abuse seeing TSM over here trying to say otherwise is giving me a brain aneurysm.

Anyways have a good day/evening/night or whatever time of day it is :D

.

#md confessions #murder drones #abuse cw #serial designation j #serial designation n #serial designation v #md cyn #the absolute solver

[j-ellyfish]

People who engage in the Hetalia fandom while openly disliking the source material and even Himaruya himself sound kinda like hypocrites to me. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but please stay away from me, this kind of mindset truly annoys me and makes me uncomfortable. Am I gatekeeping? No, not really, I just believe that being a fan of something should mean, you know, being a fan and liking the source material at the very least. It should be like, the lowest the bar can get. Below that, there's not being a fan.

#if you live in your own delusion and your friends' fanon that's cool but I just can't bring myself to consider you a fan and #respect any of your opinions on the characters and anything else related to that #because really how can you have opinions on something you barely touch because 'ew canon am I right guys'??? #idk I just don't understand this behavior and it makes me uncomfortable #I've been seeing this '''trend''' for quite a few years and it irks me so much #I too have some criticism of some parts of canon but spitting in the plate where I'm eating?? Nah that'd be so stupid and hypocritical #if you hate it so much then don't leech off hetalia tags #idk #you guys do you but still I will never understand nor support it #ary spoke #ofc I'm not talking about people who are new to it and are testing the waters with fanon content before actually watching/reading the sourc #material - I'm talking about the people who actively refuse to consume the source and openly hate on it and have done so for years while #still somehow engaging in the fandom and even getting mad when the most common portrayal of characters is you know CANON LEANING and #not mirroring their valid but understandably niche opinions that most often come from an interpretation of fanon #hence at least twice as far away from canon #I don't seek drama or anything please do not pick fights I just needed to get this off my chest

[stardust-vi]

Dumb ramble but I hate that you can't critique The Thing you love within a fandom space without some dude breathing down your neck like "Well actually that means you hate The Author and The Thing! And what about all the times The Author did this Good Thing? Checkmate, liberal." as if you can't be critical of something because you love it and want it to be better.

#just. i'm in a rush rn so i'm probably not articulating myself well and i could go more in-depth with my thoughts #at the risk of someone spinning my words into “cringe blue hair pronoun wants to cancel araki!” which... will happen inevitably #even though i don't know how many times i can repeat “i do not hate araki #this is specifcally about jjba btw because like. #look i love it and araki has done some good things (or at least had good intentions in most cases) #but i'm so over the fact he constantly has to reach for some form of traumatizing women in his writing #and I already hear “well it shows they're a villain!” #but does he HAVE to use assault? why does he have to use that instead of demonstrating their villainy in other ways #that don't need to use it as a crutch #i'm not even saying you can't ever write about assault #that's not my argument either. #I'm not even accusing him of being a bad writer or person but just. Can we please retire the overusage of assault for shock value? #i obviously don't hate people who enjoy the series regardless #i'd be a massive fucking hypocrite #i mean i've literally been in this damn fandom for 6 years and just now decided to post my art. #but i'm tired of any time someone brings up legit criticisms of the misogyny in his writing #it's met with “but araki did this-” like it changes anything. #i'm glad he did somewhat improve writing women over time compared to the earlier parts #that said. that doesn't cancel out the blunders he did make or will make in the future #even if he has good intent. #or really any criticism of the writing being hit with “but its not supposed to make sense #anyways rant over. probably going to delete later bc im tired. #tw assault #assault tw

[doux-amer]

I watched The Menu and loved it because it featured every single thing I hate about the food world and the arts in general. It’s brilliant because it's multilayered and multi-pronged in its satire and reducing it to just ONE aspect of its criticism (“rich people suck”) is too simplistic; even if you took away their richness, each character from the customers to Slowik and Elsa on the opposite side stands for a certain type of person who interacts with food and I hate every single one of them. :))))))

Also, it's hilarious because 2022 had The Bear and The Menu and people who work in the food industry/service industry or are have some connection to it talked about how they got stressed out by one and felt catharsis through the other. Both of them let them feel seen, but one was feeling seen in a bad way and the other one was in a good way even if you liked both fkasjflksajf.

#i don't particularly want to look at what people say about the menu #because i feel like i'm going to be benafflecksmoking.jpg about it the way i did when i saw some stuff about the bear #there are several things going on and if you just think it's about one thing you're wrong and i don't want to talk to you #like yeah rich people suck but the class and privilege satire got muddied because this is not a case of one good guy #who's a champion of service workers vs. all these rich snobs who make everything suck #but that's the point! #and it's not entirely about wealth because you can't look at someone like tyler for instance and think that's the point #and i assume people think tyler is the stand-in for obsessive foodies #when in reality all of the diners are different types of foodies all of whom are despicable and who are in fact bloodsuckers #although the way that slowik judges some of them is so binary and narrow and he's conflating everyone's sins to the same degree #and slowik is a hypocrite and a delusional egoistic bitter man but he's also not the only one perpetuating the abuse #he is culpable in contributing to the destruction of his own soul and life as well as his passion and the industry #and there are people like elsa who enable that and the way she does her job is just...EVERYONE SUCKS! THEY ALL SUCK! #the only person who's right is margot/erin for a lot of reasons #she is the only one who understood the assignment #the only one who didn't belong there yes...but as someone who's a service worker herself #she understood the fundamental basics of what a dining experience is #what providing that means and what someone is supposed to receive #and acknowledging what goes into it (her acknowledgment of the sous chef as the person who puts in the work #knowing there is a person whereas tyler couldn't give a damn) #what food is there for at the end of the day #even if someone else had gone into that room none of them were capable of coming to that conclusion #anyway i hate the culture around fine dining and i hate foodies :)))) #every time i see a fellow millennial say they're a foodie or write that they love food on their ig/dating app profile/twitter bio/whatever #i roll my eyes so hard and it's HATE on sight!!!!!!! #you and everyone else in 2023 buddy! #and you can love food and i know if you love food versus....that #the bear and the menu are great in different ways and i appreciate and like them for different reasons #and i was SO interested in seeing which would stress me out. for me it was the bear (even though i enjoyed it) and the menu was fun #without any stress while the opposite was true for some people who HATED the menu (loved it but felt understood/seen/reminded of stuff)

[sage-nebula]

I can understand having a preference for one type of pet over another, for a wide variety of reasons (e.g. allergies, what goes in to taking care of them, your lifestyle, etc) but I'll never understand people who hate a certain type of pet. Like self-professed cat people who say they hate dogs, or vice versa. I've had dogs my entire life, and I consider myself a dog person, but I do like cats, too. Why wouldn't I? They're soft and cute and do funny things sometimes. Even when it comes to pets that I don't find as interesting, like fish, I don't hate them. And even ones I'm legitimately scared of, like tarantulas . . . again, I don't hate them, I'm just afraid of them, just like I'm afraid of all arachnids. It's an irrational fear, but it's one deeply ingrained in me nonetheless.

Anyway.

I just don't understand when people are like "I hate cats" or "I hate dogs" . . . how can you hate an entire species of animal? Being allergic or afraid, okay, I can understand that. Even if I don't understand being afraid because you've been attacked before (I have been severely bitten by dogs and severely scratched up by cats), I'm afraid of arachnids even though I can't remember the last time I had a spider bite, so you know, fears are fears, you can't control them. But hate? I just don't understand it, man. Hate an individual animal, sure. Just like humans, individual dogs or cats can have bad temperaments and behaviors. But a whole species? When most of the individual animals in those species are so easily befriended? It just makes no sense to me. Again, I get having a preference for one pet over another, especially if the needs of one animal suit your lifestyle while the needs of another don't. But to hate a whole species . . . I will never understand.

#again i get phobias or traumas etc #like for instance i have trauma surrounding ants and roaches so if i see even ONE in my house it can trigger a panic attack #but that's a bit different than companion animals too - not that those can't be pets but like. idk. #i mean i DO know it's just . . . it's a little more understandable to me if someone has a problem with insects #versus if they have a problem with companion animals that are meant to be companion animals. but even then it's like #ok. i used to say ''i hate frogs and toads'' which might make me seem a hypocrite #but the truth is that i don't hate REAL frogs and toads. i hate ANIMATED / CARTOON ones #bc when the alt right was using pepe so much years ago my brain linked the two together & so even tho i know pepe's creator renounced them #the sight of him still makes me a little nauseous and it spread toward other frogs #(i also hate Greninja in particular for 1.) being gross and 2.) the behavior of Ash stans but that's another matter) #POINT IS - even with that distinction i never hated a whole species of animal. i just don't get that. even wasps i know DO have a purpose #and i never go out of my way to bother them. in fact i used to work in a house where they had an entire room of the house to themselves #we just didn't mess w/ them. but that's off-topic again #i just. idk. i consider myself a dog person but cats are also great #i just love animals. even the ones i'm afraid of i wish i could like #(and to be fair i do like some i'm healthily afraid of. like i love bears but if i saw a grizzly or polar bear coming for me) #(i would probably piss myself LMAO. i love them from a distance.) #anyway. animals are great. i love animals. more people should give animals a chance to be loved

[paeinovis]

Why do people say things if they don't mean them like teaching them to kids

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" then get mad when you don't say anything

"There are no stupid questions" then belittle you for having a stupid question

#I guess I can understand the first one but idk what to say in those situations #or like. You're At Fault/Being Hypocritical just biting my tongue lol #bc it's not necessarily a big deal but like idk no good response #i very frequently ask questions bc of the second tho lol and I try to be gentle when ppl start a q with 'so this might be a stupid question' #like no ! it's not ! I learned there are no stupid questions and I'm going to enforce that with you #especially when it comes to my field like. space is so big and crazy and complicated if you don't understand part of it I'm not going to #judge you ! there is so much to learn everywhere all the time #you can't know Everything #so ask questions even if you forget y'know! #text #paersonal

[dirtytransmasc]

(personal vent about my sack of shit father ruining christmas again)

me, my fathers only "daughter"/child:

helps my grandmother for weeks to prepare for his christmas party that neither of us wanted (he goes way over the top. invites his friends that are all loud drunks. cooks food we don't like. keeps the whole house up partying into the early hours of the morning. makes a mess and refuses to clean up after himself. doesn't spend time with us and instead hangs out with his friends, even for family holidays and events. etc.

me and my grandmother are disabled, constantly in pain/have stomach issues, and generally just want to be left on our own for holidays, so the whole event is just awful for us)

has been up since 6* in the morning, continuing to prepare for his party so he doesn't throw a hissy fit, running on only a few hours of sleep*, running around from store to store, cleaning, cooking, decoaring, etc.

spends hours trying to wake him up.

after doing everything I am capable of skill/strength wise, I took a two hour power nap before guests come.

helps serve dinner, makes drinks, fulfills every task my father gives me to maintain the delicate peace in the household, cause my grandmother wants to murder him*.

does all of this with no complaint.

my father:

promises his full and undivided attention and help the day before the party (this is the only day he's offered the slightest help outside of making a huge dinner no one but he and his friends wanted), he then breaks this promise, does nothing, delegates every task my grandmother has given him to me, and then leaves at 6 at night to go party, ignoring the amount of cooking he needs to finish.

doesn't come home for almost 12 hours (he came home at 6am), waking me up*, sleeps till 1, leaving me and my gradnmother do 90% of the things that needed to be done today (as his guests are coming at 4).

invites more friends than he originally told us about, ditching us after dinner (which we served) to go hang out outside and blast music so loud it shakes the house.

and then complains that I "slept all day" and "did nothing" so now I need to clean the whole kitchen and all the dishes of over 15 guests, not him, the reason there's such a mess to clean.

he continues to demand this even after something he cooks, knowing I hate it and it makes me feel ill, and stinks up the whole kitchen, making me go lie down because it made me nauseous and gave me a migraine.

I then get to spend the rest of my christmas eve cleaning, doing dishes, while barely holding back tears.

thanks dad, for ruining an already awful christmas, you fucking asshole.

#he does this shit all the time #one year he forget his mothers birthday. almost forgot mothers day. and threw a party “for her” that was just excuse to trash her house wit #his friends and we were both miserable. he made us clean and serve people and made food we don't like #I'm still fucking pissed about it #he also ruined my last christmas with my grandfather before he passed. so. I have a grudge to say the fucking least. #me and my grandmother are his personal servants and we can't do anything about it if we want to know peace #cause he's a fucking piece of shit #he does this with everything. he used to make my grandmother clean up after him. now he makes me do it #please. whatever god is out there. give me the financial stability to move out and live on my own. I can't keep doing this shit #actually. god. make him move out. let me and my grandmother stay in our family home. just get him to fuck off. #he's the biggest hypocrite. do-nothing. asshole and I hate him #personal vent #fuck my dad #biggest mistake my father made in terms of raising me was not leaving. instead he just ruined every aspect of my life and made me miserable #can't even escape him as an adult

[sysig]

Self-contradictory (Patreon)

#Doodles #Villainsona #Just Desserts #Hypocritical? Close but not quite #Charm is always the one who gets to hold the most interesting ideas lol #Spookage! She just wants to be chill the more intimidated she feels the more she wants to lash out #But she doesn't always want to! She's a villain in recovery! As evidenced by Kaiein trying to tempt her #He's really not very tempting - although he is aggravating which is unfortunately to his favour :/ #He's so encouraging in all the wrong ways #Also I don't think I've mentioned it but his second line? That's a reference to the song I've attached to their relationship #Unfortunately I'm pretty sure the song is meant to be romantic?? Which - yuck lol - but I also just don't really see as That Romantic tbh #It's Villainous Thing by Shayfer James which I'd just recommend in general it's a really nice song :D #But it fits them for probably obvious reasons lol ♪ Villainous Thing but make it paternal(? still yuck lol) #Well he's just yuck so again - expected lol #Some Evil Time with eye shines - more ''encouragement'' probably from early on #Just play along it's probably fine :) #Getting into a ''What if'' spiral is no fun so it's better to just avoid it #And then a three-set - it's not meant to be hypocritical - conflicted yes but stemming from the same source #Feeling Special™ is so dangerous! How far until it's too far? Is there a way to turn back? Is it better to not worry about it and never know #Can't have regrets if everything goes exactly to plan - planning around the most likely situation - it's fiiiine it's fiiiiiiine

[reddiamondyeet]

Love the fact that I find people who aren't cruel about mental issues people tend to be cruel about and then I befriend them but instead they just so happen to be cruel about all the ones I have and they JUST SO HAPPEN to only show it after we're friends. I'm so done.

#red rants #can't I just meet ONE PERSON who is normal both about narcissists and people with anxiety. #literally. i meet someone cool about people with personality disorders and I'm like fuck yeah! finally a sensible person #and then they start spouting about how people wih anxiety have to get over themselves #and how people pleasers are so annoying and hurt everyone else around them all the time. #like. wow. way to be a hypocrite. #“do it scared” “do it alone” FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU #haven't you ever experienced fear so intense you were practically frozen by it? that's everything. all the time for me. #no i cannot just “do it scared” #“do it alone” I've been handheld for so long in my life that being alone scares me half to death and I'm extremely dependent on others #but thanks whatever. that'll surely fix me. #“it's so insulting when someone copies me” I don't have a personality outside of other people cause I'm so dependent on others #so I'm always copying people cause I literally can't be anything otherwise. but thanks for implying I'm a bastard that #crosses your boundaries just by existing #how nice to know I'm nothing but a nuisance in so many people's eyes #literally thinking about unfollowing so many people just cause this shit triggers me so fucking bad and they won't stop posting about it

[girlscience]

i hate that my brain is like this. i hate that it does this to me. i see so many people for whom their sexuality is a source of pride and community and finding their sexuality opens a whole new world to them and they become open and confident people who are more themselves than ever before. and that's amazing! i am so happy for those people!! but it has never been that for me and i despise myself for that.

#i want so badly to say 'I AM [insert sexuality here]' 'IM OUT AND IM PROUD!' #i want to find local community and go to the gay bars #and meet people and make friends and kiss girls and all these things i see online or in fanfic #(listen i have been reading a huge amount of griddlehark and there is a lot of modern aus that i desperately desire) #but my brain thinks i am lying about all of it and whenever i say no i'm not lying it sets about convincing me i am #i think about women and it instantly goes okay but men though. what if you thought about them instead #and then it's all i can think of even though i don't want to #i think about dating a woman and it says actually. think about dating a man #i say i don't want men and it says that's rude and mean and you never know what could happen #and you don't believe there is some magical difference between men and women they are all just people so you are a hypocrite #if you leave men out and honestly you don't find men repulsive and there have been men you thought were attractive even if you can't figure #out of it was attractive like sex or attractive like marble statues #and you say you like body hair on women but it weirds you out on men but it's the exact same thing so you have to like it on both #and you read so much mlm fic and so little wlw so you think men are hot cause you've thought some of the mlm stuff was hot #so obviously you want to have sex with men #even if all the men who have actually hit on you irl made you uncomfortable #you didn't actually stop it from happening and honestly you really wanted it to happen and you just wanted them to force it on you #cause you are a evil gross freak who fetishizes #nevermind. this is spiraling. #and is just turning into a way for me to hurt myself more with this

[elytrafemme]

it's kind of fascinating because maybe a few months ago if i was having a breakdown i had someplace to put it. but i got to university and i was like totally happy so i never questioned the fact that i no longer had anywhere? like the last time i seriously considered what i was going to do when this happened was the talk about putting me in semi proximity to my sister but i can't exactly talk to her about this. there's fucking nowhere.

#nightmare.personal #also i know i have people i can talk to online. i am not going to fucking do that though #i literally have not made amends for the emotional burden i've placed on some mutuals i've known for a while already #so i'm not going to make the case worse for myself in that regard or with anyone else #this is embarrassing . #i cannot believe i am still this fucking weak. this fucking weak! #nothing even happened. nothing has ever happened. #and i can't. talk to my college friends. #and i CAN'T talk to my high school friends. #have i ever had a friend i could just earnestly discuss my emotions to without fucking up? jury's out #i realize that sounds hypocritical though since i've traumadumped to my online friends for like 3 years straight now #but i don't think i made a space for myself to do that IRL after everything #because she no longer loves me. WHATEVER ! we're so fine.

[aw-bean-s]

sometimes I just wish my friends liked me the way other people's seem to

#Being angry sad at my best friend hours again #I just can't believe she'd fucking do that to me so casually and not even fucking regret or be sorry a little bit #Just a fucking iota of sympathy or fuckin compassion is all I am fucking asking of you #Doesn't tell me shit then tells me I'm bad at communication #Tells anyone BUT ME about our relationship so I'm always the last to fuckin know #Doesn't tell me things for literal YEARS so I can't fuckin help then gets mad when I didn't do anything #And then she's surprised when I end up in these shitty codependent relationships with other people and don't believe that she likes me #Or wants me at all even #She's just such a fucking callous fucking hypocrite and I fucking hate her but also I can't fucking lose her #Fuck she's such a bitch sometimes #She just hurts me and then expects me to still be there in the end! #And I'm not helping myself by STILL FUCKING BEING THERE #I just wish she liked me #And saw that she has Systematically fucking destroyed my trust in other people #She hurt me and she doesn't even fucking care #And the thing is I spent so SO long thinking I was everything wrong in our friendship #That if I could just be a good enough person I'd be good enough for her eventually #But I never fuckin have been have i! Because I'm not a fuckin mind reader! #I spent so long feeling like shit and wishing I could just be better but not knowing how #And then she drops the bomb that she's been actively keeping shit from me and excluding me since 2020! So fuck me I guess! #And there's all this fucking hurt but also this weird peace of 'oh. I wasn't everything wrong.' #Which also makes me so fucking mad because if she'd just TOLD ME I couldve spent so much time NOT HATING MYSELF #For problems that I couldn't fix because she wouldn't TELL ME ABOUT THEM! #I spent so long feeling like I wasn't enough and knowing something was wrong but she wouldn't tell me WHAT #And now it's my fault that I couldn't just figure it out! Fuck off!! #She is so fucking good at making people feel like shit #And after all of this! She doesn't get why I don't belive she likes or wants me! What the ACTUAL fuck! #And now I gotta tell her all this because despite all of this I do love her and belive my life is better for having her in it #And I gotta tell her without her deciding I'm not worth it and leaving so that's fucking cool #I'm half convinced shes manipulating me so I leave her and she can be the victim of big mean Lachlan and maintain her moral high ground

[doggendoodle]

fucked up and singlehandedly cost my group a kudos fight in front of someone i respect (this will have a negligible impact on their day but i will forever be haunted by their first impresson of me being ruined)

#toontown #ttcc #you know that horrible clawing feeling you get when you want more than anything not to talk about something that happened to you but you #physically can't do anything *but* bring it up so you talk about it in the hopes of. something. but you don't know if the something you're #hoping for is reassurance or radio silence and you don't know if finding out would make getting what you want better or exponentially worse #if anyone's seen that one txwatson tiktok about hearing the wallpaper it's. not that but pretty similar. #at this point i'm just throwing in something i couldn't quite articulate before i hit post but. it's like a weird fear of apologising Wrong #because i fear the effort it would take to apologise properly would make the apology feel desperate or insincere #coupled with me not knowing if the guilt i feel is proportional to the guilt the people i 'wronged' would want me to feel #which is compounded since the way i 'wronged' them was messing up a boss battle in a video game. but also us losing was Entirely my fault #and i don't know at what point an apology would become like. pressuring them to say they forgive me even if that's not my goal #does this make sense? is it hypocritical to ask if my ramblings make sense when my worries are entirely about being too much? #*is* there a way to assuage those kinds of worries without being insincere #either by accident or on purpose #is 'being insincere on purpose' even a thing you *can* do? #if i bring up why i struggle with this does that become manipulation? even though i'm asking in good faith? #did not expect to be pondering the ethics of guilt after failing my team in a boss fight when i woke up today

[camellia-thea]

i made the mistake of opening the jellycat website.

they have a jack russell now. it has one black spot across its back like jazzy.

#tags turned into a ramble-y vent be warned #mistakes were made #i do not have the money nor the emotional capacity for yearning #there are so many that are super cute #like the quinn fox and sigmund seal and all the octopi and they have a new spider plush!!! #i am in so much pain and i have nothing that stops it and i just. want to not be dealing with anything i am right now #i tried lifting my tea earlier and i started to cry because of how painful and exhausting it was. #enough so that i didn't finish it which is an indicator of how i am going #feeling a bit better now -- i am not as fatigued but. still in so much pain and sitting upright is tiring. #but it really really doesn't help the emotional stuff going on #i desperately want jellycat to make a black and white border collie too #so i can have a poppydog again #i miss her so fucking much #she was my good girl and i miss her. #i miss jazzy right now too. i want her here with me and i want her to cuddle me and stick her nose in my teacup #i just. feel bad. #i hate feeling out of control like this and yet i. cannot fucking accept help #and i'm such a hypocrite with it but i just. i can't. i don't know what i need #i want someone to take care of me but i don't know how to ask or be vulnerable. i physically need someone to wrestle me into care #i don't even know what i'm saying. #i have so many things in my head and just. saying them aloud feels scary. even typing this into vague nonspecific existence. i don't know. #i don't know. #i feel out of control and i hate it. #but. i just. need to feel out of control safely i guess? #someone else take it and just.

[sschmendrick]

I shouldn't have seen that scheduled post now I'm thinking about them like I haven't been thinking about them for the past week, month

#I want to contact them so bad #but I can't #I want to believe it's salvageable but who am I kidding I'm out of their life am I not ? #I miss them so much #why do I have to be mentally ill ? why am I like this ? if I were just normal it would have worked #we would still be friends we would still be talking or I could have held on longer and waited longer #I wish I could know they're happy I wish that could be enough but it's a good start #one of you could tell me but we don't talk enough to ask that #I miss them man...I miss them #it felt like they made me better helped me get out of myself a little out of my comfort zone #i'm scared of reading old texts i'm scared of seeing what i lost the connection the amazing person they are bc my brain can't work #and i don't know how to handle it without destroying everything around me #maybe my brother is right i am just a manipulative hypocritical emotionally abusive fuck and I have nothing to do here #maybe I am just a terrible person trying to be the victim maybe what i'm feeling is just what i deserve for being a bad person to others