#and if you can’t handle it without being a transmisogynist then you might need to work on that instead

[eulangelo]

callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling​)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ] 

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post. 

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with. 

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

#genderfluidlucifer #transmisogyny tw #terfs tw #ask to tag #txt #long post #ok to rb

[drake-the-incubus]

What’s Bad for You is Good for Me

Or otherwise called, conflicting needs in representation. Which is most certainly a thing.

Sometimes we have specific needs ton representation that isn’t met due to certain circumstances. Recently I posted something about how Lazy Eyes are portrayed as inherently ableist, despite the fact I grew up with it being incredibly disabling and being treated poorly for having one, and in a discussion with other people, have been told they feel the same way.

Today, I saw a post about how someone being transphobic, complained about how trans characters gave him dysphoria. While he was incredibly transphobic about him, I realized that there’s intersectionality on representation no one really talks about.

We don’t talk about how it’s weird to define representation as good and bad depending on how stereotyped it looks. We just sort of do it.

Like, for example, a flamboyantly gay, gender-nonconforming man who is very open about his sexuality and might even be sexual. This is considered a horrible stereotype. I... I've known gay men like that who genuinely enjoyed the nice representation of those characters.

I think the issue is the difference between how it's played off, and why it's being done. And I'll use a few examples.

Power Puff Girls has the Devil who suspiciously borders on a transmisogynistic and homophobic stereotype, being a villain. The femininity that the character displays is part of the villainous routine, and there's not much to the character outside of this. When the character feels like it, he drops his femininity to become masculine and aggressive. Top it off with being the devil, it's pretty bad. This is bad representation, if not for the villain part, then for the fact that there's no substance to it at all.

Which is actually what the problem with representation usually is. It's two-dimensional, and it's villanizing. The character is not only that way because it makes them more villainous, but it also helps make us look horrifying to the viewers.

What changes when you include Lil Nas X's recent release, MONTERO (Call me by your name)? It's a form of self-expression and it's inherently fighting back against the need to sanitize oneself for an oppressing class. It's fighting back against the idea that in order to exist, we need to be pure. To be accepted into heaven we atone for being gay. It's a rejection of Modern Religion and society's base treatment of us.

And it's necessary. We can't have the soft, loving, sanitized rep. It can suit plenty of us. Being accepted into heaven- in spite of our flaw of being gay? I've been told that before- isn't what everyone wants. In order to have reached acceptance, we must not readily display the "bad" part of ourselves.

If a straight woman was to want for a dude, it's highly more accepted than if a man were to do it. Regardless of the man's input?

I can't go to a conversation, openly as a trans man, and discuss my attraction to men as a man, and not get shut down, "because it's weird" but I do have to sit there and hear talk about anime boobs. Sometimes for hours. Because you know, that's acceptable in society, me liking men as a dude isn't.

And the thing is, neither is bad. A gay man being openly sexual and open about his sexuality in media, so long as it's not his defining trait and he's not demonized for it in the media- aka villainizing a gay man who is flamboyantly gay and gnc is very common- it's good.

A gay man who is soft, caring and understanding for his partner, emotionally mature and shies away from his sexuality is also good. It's not representation I need, but for younger audiences it is.

A gay man who is selective in his men vs a man who isn't. We need both.

Representation makes us feel human. Like we're not horrible for existing, and one set is never going to be enough.

For example. I'm a very androgynous trans man. I wear dresses and makeup.

I enjoy the feminine trans characters because they can exist and so can I. I also enjoy the masculine trans characters.

I hate the written trans experience and I absolutely cannot stand fanfiction regarding trans man, regardless of which it is.

It's dysphoria-inducing. Why? Because it focuses on the aspect of being trans rather than the aspect of existing as a man, and those aspects tend to center around dysphoria or being AFAB. Either way, the experience is uncomfortable for me to interact with and can really bother me.

That form of representation isn't for me. I live the trans experience. I don't need it in my media. I want a person who lives the average life and happens to be trans. Where being trans isn't the center of the story.

Other people need it the exact opposite, and if being trans isn't integral it bothers them. They feel like being trans is on a higher level of their identity and their rep needs to reflect that.

In fact, I talked to another trans friend of mine, who said that the kind of stories that focus on the body being AFAB was reaffirming to them and it helped them along. They loved content like that. Where as I couldn't bear it, it caused me issues and I saw it personally as harmful.

The thing about rep isn't actually the stereotypes, most of the time. IE a feminine trans man character isn't bad rep, so long as he's an actual human being.

I also think the person making it and the intent behind the character are important.

Example 1: A cis woman who makes a trans woman villain the epitome of masculinity who is pretending to be a woman, and is defeated by a woman, is just bad rep.

Why? Because a) it targets and puts down another minority to uplift women. b) it intentionally tries to erase trans women from being women. c) it reinforces the stereotype that trans women are just men trying to pretend to be women and are inherently violent. d) it demonized masculine trans women who may have been denied- or do not want- to medically transition.

Example 2: Created by someone who is LGBT+ with input from a trans man. A trans man is flamboyantly gay, talks about how much he loves men quite a lot, and is known for being fairly feminine. He enjoys hobbies such as boating and fishing, and his story is about connecting with his community and accepting himself as a person without needing to give a part of himself up.

Is example 2 real? I hope it is, I'd enjoy that. But this is good rep. Yes, it plays on stereotypes, but this is a person. Their story is about their identity and they have traits outside of the stereotype. For a flamboyantly gay trans man, this would be perfect. If you challenged toxic masculinity in the movie and addressed how trans men feel the need to overperform into toxic masculinity for acceptance and how it ruins our connections with our emotions, it would be pretty great.

Example 3: Created based on a real person. A character who is clearly autistic, and struggles with communication, who acts childish and clearly has a prominent lazy eye. This character struggles with tasks but gets them right. This is done with input and the person's input

Bad Rep?

If you said yes you'd be wrong. A character based on a real human being can't be bad representation. Because a) they're human, and b) there's a nuance to people that needs to be addressed.

Human beings will never be a monolith and having a monolith idea of representation to show oppressors what we're like ignores the fact of human diversity.

I can only speak for myself. This means the topic of race and how to handle racial issues in media vs the sanitization of the culture people of colour have, is not one I can speak on, and I wish I could have input on it.

I'll add if I'm not cohesive enough, it's usually because of Autism and possible Comorbid ADHD fighting each other.

If someone better at the topic can handle this, feel free to reblog and add on, I'll reblog additions and reply to any concerns made.

#representation #diversity in media #what's bad for you is good for me

[trendercore-aesthetic]

I finally made an about me

It's more of an FAQ, but whatever. 

It’s a page on my blog, and it’s linked in my bio. Don’t feel like clicking on either of those? Here’s a link. Still not appealing? It’s under the cut too.

Who the FUCK am I?

Oh? You wanted to know more about me? Here are some details.

I’m Ryan

I’m 17

Gender: FTM

Sexuality: Panalterous Asexual (What this means - panromantic means attracted to all genders. Alterous means someone who can’t be described as neither being (entirely/completely) platonic nor romantic, & is an attraction best described as wanting emotional closeness without necessarily being (at all or entirely) platonic &/or romantic)

Religion: Jewish

Race: I’m mixed as fuck, but the best way to describe it would be afrolatinx and native.

My hair: Blonde, because I bleached it. It’s naturally red though.

Other things: I’m autistic, and have eyes that barely allow me to drive (don’t feel like opening that can of worms)

What’s trendercore?

okay so trendercore is essentially the reclamation of the idea of the word ‘transtrender’ and surrounds the aesthetic of people commonly called ‘transtrenders.’ this usually means:

- bright colors

- pride (rainbows, flags, being excited/happy about your identity)

- soft things

- gender noncomformity

but really though you don’t have to do any of that stuff to be trendercore. trendercore has that as like a general aesthetic but really, all you need are two things:

1. The belief that you do not need dysphoria to be trans

2. The belief that policing other people’s identities and presentations is wrong

And there you go. You can trendercore. Trendercore is meant to be super accessible meaning you can pull it off anyway you feel comfortable. Personally, I find it really hard to float with gender nonconformity, so I just really rock the other stuff.

I know way before @uwumars made a whole fuckign guide about this. In fact, if I’m correct, Mars inventened trendercore.

How often do you post?

My queue is currently at 50 posts per day. I post in between there too. So…a lot?

Why is the title on your blog Captain Pottymouth?

Someone derailed one of my posts and proceeded to call me captain pottymouth because I swear. Fuck them. Who the fuck cares about swearing?

What do I use to alleviate my dysphoria/help in my transition?

I am, at my most basic level, a twink. Let’s talk my transition.

My height dysphoria (5’ 3" lmao), is, hilariously, my worst dysphoria. I use lifts. Specifically, these lifts right here: https://peecockproducts.com/peecock-height-increase-insole.html

On the other hand, I am d e s p e r a t e for top surgery, so this is the binder I use. it works pretty well: https://www.gc2b.co/products/nude-no-2-tank

Packers? Of course: https://www.toolshedtoys.com/stp-fitz-stp-fitz-20-stand-to-pee-packer-mr-softie.html

Closet? I’ll update this later with the clothes that I buy but H&M is amazing.

Wanna learn more about me or see asks?

Search ryanspeaks or ryan speaks on my blog. You’ll see it all.

Hey, I tagged you in something and you didn’t answer!

It’s probably because my notes are usually pretty crazy. It’s best that if you tagged me in something, that you also send an ask mentioning it. I’ll have to find it, and it might take a minute, but it’ll get handled.

You reblogged something I made. Can you take it down?

I have shitty eyes so I tend to miss DNIs. I’m super sorry if I did. PM me or put an ask in. I’ll remove it. No reasoning necessary, just send the post. Even if you just send your username I can remove it pretty quickly.

What is your DNI?

I like to think that if you read my bio, which has no DNI, you would already know if you weren’t welcome here. But since ya don’t:

Acephobes (yes that means you, ace exclusionists), arophobes (yes, that means you, aro exclusionists), biphobes and panphobes (that means you, bi and pan exclusionists), cis bootlickers (that means you, transmeds and truscum), selective allies (that means you, cishets who have decided to pick and choose who to support), pedophiles and pedophile apologists (that means you: MAPs, ageplayers, DDLG, and anyone who supports those communities), transmisogynists (that means you, TERFs, radfems, and anyone who uses their ideology), gay men fetishists (hello, fujoshi. get the fuck off my blog), lesbian fetishists (do i have to make it any more obvious?). Don’t bother if you’re a fascist (aka Trump supporters).

Hopefully that’s it. Don’t make me add more.

Is it worth saying that this doesn’t apply if I discourse with you? If I’m discoursing, interact at your own risk. It’s not my fault if you end up looking stupid.

Can I submit a post?

You can so long as you don’t participate in any of the above. Also make sure your username doesn’t include anything triggering like the r slur or the f slur. Pretty much anything from discourse to art is allowed

#ryan speaks #ryanspeaks #finally #took me long efuckingnough #yes I swear in it #the link is a swear too lmao #at this point #saying fuck is part of my personality #there will never be a let Ryan say fuck post ever

[transfeminformative]

hiii i am a young cis lesbian starting to date a closeted trans girl who i reallyyy like.... what do i say to people who are telling me i'm not really a lesbian for liking her when she doesn't "look like a girl"? this understandably upsets her a lot and i've been trying to find a way to shut it down quickly so she doesn't feel so insecure

Well, there’s a lot of contextual nuance to this sort of thing. 

Here’s how to approach the situation if the person is a stranger or someone offering unsolicited comments in public:

I think it would be best to discuss with your girlfriend what responses and actions she’s comfortable with in different situations. This way, you can both know how you’re going to try to respond to harassment and both of you have an agreed-upon response. I think that when random people say that stuff like “she doesn't look like a girl” it’s ok to say “well, she IS a girl!” because that’s definitive and doesn’t leave the matter open for discussion. But if you go in the direction of “but she looks like a girl to ME!” then that presents the matter as having multiple interpretations and they might be more convinced to pursue the matter further. Though, again, your girlfriend might have specific ideas of how she would like you to handle it. It’s good to talk it over with her, because ultimately she’s the one being directly targeted and harassment can be traumatic for her. 

People who harass you or your girlfriend because she is transgender generally can’t be convinced of her womanhood or made to change their mind through discussion or argument. Trying to argue with them might be dangerous for you and your girlfriend because there’s no telling when people might escalate their transmisogynistic harassment to outright violence. 

When you’re facing this kind of harassment, depending on the situation it may even be best simply to not address what they’ve said, rather to tell them to be respectful, to shut up, to leave her and you alone; whatever makes sense for the situation. Generally, you’re gonna have to judge what the best safety procedures are in each different situation. Above all, focus on de-escalation of the situation and try and get both of you out of the dangerous situation ASAP. There have been times where I’ve had to leave an event, change my plans, take an alternate route, find a totally unoccupied public restroom, etc. because of harassment, or the risk of harassment. 

Here’s how to approach the situation if the person is a classmate, family, or someone you know: 

When it comes to people you are personally acquainted with disrespecting you and your girlfriend, it’s a hard path to walk. People grow up with a lot of very bad views on trans women ingrained in their minds that they already have assumed as truth any time they see or hear about a trans girl. 

Again, I would advise privately talking with your girlfriend and figuring out what kind of things are ok to say about her when other people ask about her and talk about her. Different people will have different comfort levels, and the reality is if you say the wrong thing to the wrong person you could hurt her feelings. I’m not saying that’s guaranteed or anything, but it’s a type of consideration that, in a way, everyone should make for their partner. 

Your friends, family, and classmates may not have heard of or even met a trans girl before, so you might have to do a lot of explaining. 

I think one of the most fundamental ideas to get across to cis people, is that the only way they can behave towards you and your girlfriend without being deeply hurtful is to consistently refer to her as a girl, use her correct pronouns, and accept that you are a lesbian without interrogating you about it. 

In my opinion this is basically what cis people have to learn first, before they even understand that yes, she is truly a girl, and yes, you are truly a lesbian. They may not even realize that the things that they are saying are deeply hurtful, so that is something they have to learn. 

Additionally, I think it’s good to point out to people that it’s hurtful to your gf to publicly debate her gender, its hurtful to you to publicly debate your sexual orientation, and it’s always, always hurtful to say that someone “doesn’t look like a girl.”

After all, everyone deserves to have their gender respected regardless of what they wear or what they look like. Butch women are still women, trans women are still women, gay men are still men, trans men are still men. Heck, if you wear a spacesuit and absolutely none of your body shape is visible whatsoever, your gender remains the same and your pronouns remain the same. 

Well, that’s my two cents. Sorry it took so long for me to respond.Uh, I guess here at the end I’ll clarify that... this is all just my personal opinion, based on my personal experience as a lesbian trans woman, and if anyone else has something else to add, feel free to do so. 

If anyone wants to respond anonymously, or needs any advice about transfeminine topics, my askbox is open. 

#anon #anonymous #ask #long post #Anonymous

[thedeadflag]

Here’s more of the Oh No There Is Only One Bed What Do clanya AU

(Part 1)(Part 2)(Part 3)(Part 4)(Part 5)

Part 6 below

Content Warning: transmisogyny, transmisogynistic slurs, transphobia

"...and so that's when I jumped out of the tree." Clarke noted with a grin, one that only grew wider at Anya's dumbstruck expression, a mix of horror and amusement swirling in her eyes.

And maybe when Anya rested a hand on her thigh for the fourth time since they sat on her favourite wooden bench, maybe she allowed herself the hope that they were having a decent time. Or, that Anya was having a decent time.

"The tree by the pool? The one with bottom branches higher than your house?" Anya asked with a short laugh.

"Yep. Of course, I didn't exactly land on the trampoline like I wanted, and I took a tumble on the stone instead of a nice launch into the pool, but at least I didn't walk away empty-handed." Clarke continued, feeling her cheeks bloom as Anya lightly rubbed at her thigh. Even if there was a thin layer of lace preventing skin on skin contact, it still lit up her core something fierce.

"A scar, I imagine?" Anya asked, cocking an eyebrow and returning her hand back to her side.

"I was gonna say a story, but yeah. Most of them healed well enough that you can't tell, but there's one along my left shoulder blade, and across the back of my left calf." Clarke answered, heart bursting with adoration at how Anya's features immediately softened, concern pooling in her eyes. "Don't give me those puppy dog eyes, I was fine. My mom patched me up and put me through a gauntlet of one-sided lessons on safety and health, and gave me more chores than I knew how to handle for worrying her, but I was fine."

Anya offered a sharp nod. "Your mother sounds like a smart woman."

"Don't let her hear you say that, I'd never hear the end of it." Clarke practically groaned. She had a feeling that her mom and Anya would probably get along famously in a lot of ways, many of which could be exasperating.

Still, that was probably better than the alternative if she wanted to create something long-term with Anya, and she did.

"I know the feeling. Ever since I started working out over here in the morning, my mom and dad have been stressing how wonderful you are." Anya admitted, perking up Clarke's ears at the notion that she'd inexplicably won Anya's parents' approval despite having never actually met them. "I mean, I know that the hospital your mom works at keeps my mom on retainer, so there's already probably some sort of history and goodwill there, but still. If I have to sit through another fifteen minute conversation about how 'Columbia's such a strong school, Anya', or 'why, Clarke must be so intelligent, Anya', I'll probably slam my face into the nearest hard surface. No offense."

It was interesting to hear Anya gripe about her parents, particularly her impressions, but it was especially a relief not to hear even a tinge of bitterness in her words, just exhaustion. "None taken, but please don't rough up that pretty face of yours, even if your parents seem to love me from afar." She countered, laughing as Anya rolled her eyes. "Seriously, though, they'll probably ambush us on the occasional weekend. You'll get to see just how wild my mother can be, and I'm sure yours will have their expectations tempered once they learn I'm a real living person, flaws and all."

"Mmmh. I...hm..." Anya let out, aborting on whatever she'd considered saying, brow knitting in thought, body tensing up. Everything Clarke was reading off the other girl practically screamed hesitation as seconds ticked past, so she just waited it out. Hard as it was, as antsy as it made her, she needed to give Anya time and space. She had to be patient.

Eventually, Anya let out a sigh, head slumping forward ever so slightly, marring her previously pristine posture. "As much as I've enjoyed myself tonight...and I absolutely have...my parents are going to be insufferable over the next few months once they hear about tonight." Anya spoke, barely louder than a murmur, Clarke needing to lean closer to completely hear her. "In high school, they'd keep prodding me to join the GSA, to make friends with you. When I told them I'm only into women, well...all they saw was that my options were narrowed, but they'd point at you. You were the brilliant daughter of Arkadia Medical Center's Chief of Surgery and the lead engineer in Sinclair Aeronautics, you were bisexual, you were friends with Lexa and Costia. When we began working out, it only intensified. I can't imagine what they'll say after tonight."

On one hand, it was amusing to hear how tenacious Anya's parents were at trying to pair them up. On the other hand, it must have been frustrating after what she'd done to Anya, and Clarke knew how exhausting parental meddling could be.

Still, it did give her a little hope. "They just want to know you're happy, princess. That's probably all it is."

"Well, consider it mission accomplished. At least for tonight, I suppose." Anya said, teeth gnawing slightly at the corner of her lip, and if Clarke hadn't been watching so closely, she might not have spotted the flicker of doubt in her eyes.

"And past tonight?" She knew maybe it was pressing, that maybe Anya wasn't ready to answer that question yet, but she couldn't help herself, not when she felt so close to some sort of breakthrough on understanding how Anya felt about her.

She'd had a lot of puzzle pieces up to then, but when Anya turned her head away, swallowing hard, letting out a breath that stuttered with defeat, that puzzle suddenly found itself taking shape into something she hadn't remotely seen coming.

"I've been having such a wonderful night, Clarke. I don't want to taint this fitting bookend to the first chapter of our lives. It wouldn't be fair to you." Anya spoke, her words only confirming what she'd quickly come to understand.

It was absurd, of course, but it also wasn't the sort of thing she could laugh off. Pet names would probably have to be held back for a bit too, reluctantly. "I've had fun tonight, too, but Anya...you know this isn't just some one-night thing for me, right?"

Anya's scoff came out sharp, sending a sudden tight pain in Clarke's chest at the brave face Anya plastered on. "Clarke, you're only days away from being inundated with thousands upon thousands of peers who will have so, so much to offer. That's significant. Don't pretend it's not."

"Okay, it's true, we're moving in a few days and there'll be a lot of people our age. Lots to choose from. What of it? I like you. Don't sell yourself short." Clarke argued, taking some solace in how Anya's cheeks flushed slightly, in the tiny hint of a smile at the edges of Anya's lips.

"I know you like me, but you don't have to date me to prove anything. And I know I'm a catch, Clarke. I'm not selling myself short, I'm just being realistic. Dating me would complicate things. I'm almost certainly going to be out in New York. Anyone who's with me would have to deal with publicly dating a trans woman of colour and all the crap that can come along with it. It'd be a lot easier, and a lot less stressful to date someone else, not to mention I'm getting into the prestigious and entirely stable career of writing, while you're on track to be a doctor. That's more than enough difficulty in your life without having to maybe worry about my prospects." Anya rambled, and Clarke had to admit that some of her points were entirely true and worthy of consideration.

She hadn't dated a trans person before, or known anyone who had. She'd seen comments online and on television targeted at trans folks and the people who loved them, though, and there was a disturbing amount of vitriol. Clarke hoped in New York, that things would be better than there in Arkadia, but it wasn't a sure thing. It could make her life a little more difficult, a little more stressful, certainly.

But Anya was worth it. All things considered, Clarke knew who she wanted to be with.

"I wouldn't be dating you to prove anything, or to satisfy some lingering guilt...I like you, Anya. And I know enough about what I'd be signing up for. Sure, there's infinite possibilities off in New York, but I see someone who I care about and want to have a relationship with, and she's sitting right next to me. She's passionate and intelligent, determined and kind, and so deeply beautiful. So all that potential doesn't matter, not when you're here." Clarke laid out her case, lifting a hand to gently bring Anya to face her again, to meet those soft amber eyes brimming with tears. "I want to date you, Anya. I want something with you that'll last, and I believe we could. If you don't feel the same, then I'll respect that, I'll back off and keep working at being a better friend...but if you do? Then why couldn't we give us a chance?"

The feel of Anya ever so slightly leaning into her touch would have had her heart blooming if not for the tear track running down her left cheek. "And if I'm scared?"

"That's the only time we can be brave." She stroked her thumb across the girl's cheek.

A sharp laugh blurted out of Anya. "You're appealing to my pride and stubbornness."

"Maybe so. But...I just mean it's alright to be scared. And you'd have me to lean on, and all the other people in your life who love you. We can be brave together." Clarke asserted, shooting Anya a smile. "I love that big heart of yours. I want to keep it safe. And as much as all this change coming up scares me, it won't change that I'd fight for you. As a friend or a girlfriend, I'd be brave with you, Anya. And we can get through whatever we face."

Anya lifted a hand to cover the one caressing her cheek and leaned blatantly into her touch, letting out a soft sigh. "You can't be there every hour, Clarke. We'll be in dorms, we'll have roommates. We'll live on opposite ends of the island. We'll be busy."

"Of course we'll be busy, but we're only a half hour apart. We have phones, and Skype, and Discord. And you may live in a dorm with roommates...roommates who I hope will be good to you...but if you ever need an escape, I've got an apartment. If you ever need sanctuary, if you need alone time, it's yours. Even if we don't get together, the second bedroom is yours whenever you want it." Clarke countered, feeling a swell of confusion as Anya's features twisted.

"You got an apartment in Manhattan?" Anya asked, clear disbelief saturating her words.

Really, she could only shrug. She knew she was fortunate to be as well off as she was. "The interest I make in my trust fund every month is a little more than double what the rent would cost. My mom wants me to have somewhere I can escape to, free of the distractions of dorm life, so we got a good deal on a nice two bedroom place near Columbia. Not a huge amount of square footage, but one of the bathrooms has a big jacuzzi tub, and the other a really nice walk-in shower, and the kitchen's a good size and has a full oven and range. The second bedroom and closets aren't real big, but they're big enough. Got a gym across the road that's reasonably decent. Got a washer and dryer in the unit. It's a nice place. If you take the W from NYU up to Times Square and forty-second street, and then the three to a hundred and sixteenth street, you're practically at my doorstep in thirty minutes."

"You've really thought this through." Anya mused openly, practically emanating surprise and wonder, warm amber eyes searching her own.

"Well, summer's kind of boring. You're still bouncing around in my head most mornings after you leave, so I get to thinking. And maybe I get a little ahead of myself, but I try not to. I just figure...we'll both be in new environments, around new people, going to a new kind of school that's structured in a totally new way, and maybe having somewhere to go that's simpler, and more familiar...maybe that'd be good for us." She explained, Anya nodding along to her words.

"That...would make a lot of things about this coming year less intimidating. I promise I wouldn't stop by empty-handed, or without creating something. I bake a lot. Especially when I'm stressed." Anya started, seeming to think she'd have to do something to earn what Clarke had offered.

When, really, Clarke didn't exactly do incredibly well alone. Just having Anya near would be a huge help, although having someone to bake with would be a nice bonus. The art of pastries had always eluded her, but she was good with cobblers, cakes, pies, and squares. "You wouldn't have to do any of that. I'd be happy enough just to have you around."

"Well, tough. I like to pitch in. If that means you head to study groups with a bag full of baked goods to hand out to your classmates, then you'll just have to deal with it." Anya shot back, eyes narrowing playfully as her lips stretched into a smirk.

As if she'd ever complain about being given tasty treats. "You realize that could single-handedly make me the most popular student in class, in all likelihood."

"Which might net you a few favors along the way, and help you attract good study partners. Make you friends. The works." Anya added airily, voice melodic as she removed Clarke's hand from her cheek and clasped it between both of her own. "I give back, Clarke. I do my part, or as much as I can. That's just who I am."

Clarke let out a sigh and nodded, wondering if she'd regret giving into Anya's stubbornness. "I know, I adore that about you. It's one of your many charms."

Anya let out a sound that seemed like a snort, but she'd never dare call her on it. "I'm sure."

"Come on, it is. Maybe not as charming as your smile, but there's a lot about you that draws me closer..." Clarke noted, holding eye contact in hopes of getting through Anya's thick skull that she was wholeheartedly into her. "...a lot that makes me want to hold your hand...that makes me ache to wrap my arms around you...that has me wasting whole afternoons thinking about what it'd be like to kiss you..."

"Clarke..."

She shook her head. "I'm just really into you, and you're so beautiful, but if you don't like me back, it's fine. I'll be more than happy to be..."

In a flash, Anya was there; hand against her cheek, lips pressing against hers in a rushed, clumsy gesture that had her heartbeat mimicking a stampede as she did everything she could to return her affections and remember each and every sensation. The kiss was sweet, tinged with the hint of lemonade as Clarke tasted her over and over, gently brushing Anya's arm, slowly running a hand over her hair and gradually helping Anya let go of her urgency. She wanted Anya to know she wasn't going anywhere, that they had time, that they could just enjoy the moment.

Thankfully, Anya seemed to hold the same sentiments, slowing her kisses to a languid pace, her touches gentle but deliberate rather than frantic and fleeting. Enough so that when Anya pulled away slightly to catch her breath, Clarke could cradle Anya's head in her hands and meet her gaze, giving Anya all the time she needed to drink in how excited and exuberant she was.

But maybe Clarke needed an extra moment or two to settle her heart at all the emotions Anya was practically glowing from.

"Wow." Anya let out breathlessly, staring at her like she'd just hung the stars in the sky.

It was more than a little overwhelming, but Clarke just swallowed the heart lodged in her throat and beamed back at the girl. "That's an understatement."

"I didn't make a fool out of myself, did I?" Anya asked, apparently taking her words the wrong way, concern quickly marring her features. "Because I don't have much in the way of experience, and you slowed me down, so I wasn't sure if you don't like it fast, or if maybe I was just a mess, or..."

Clarke crossed the final two or three inches and brought their lips together, swallowing Anya's words, letting her kiss linger until she could feel some of Anya's tension wash away. "You were wonderful, please don't second guess yourself. I just wanted to slow things down so we could ease into it and enjoy the moment."

"Well, I did enjoy myself tremendously. Kissing you was divine, Clarke." Anya whispered, Clarke's heart blooming at the sight of Anya smiling bright enough to light up the evening. "But...I'm too curious not to ask again...do you not like a faster pace? Should I avoid that in the future?"

Clarke rested her forehead against Anya's, grinning at how the girl's eyes went slightly crossed to hold her gaze, thrilled over Anya being excited for the future. "It's great when the occasion calls for it. We're at a party with over a hundred people, you're wearing an incredibly pretty dress, and a corset, and a petticoat, and your hair's gorgeous...and you're not some fling to me, you're someone I care about a lot. I'd love to kiss you hard and fast, Anya, but...not here, and not now."

"Are you saying I'm too well dressed to be ravished?" Anya asked with an easy laugh.

"I'm saying that if we'd been dating for a few weeks and I had permission, and we were alone here, and my hands were strong enough...I'd tear your dress and corset off and devour you. I need certain...well, things, if I'm going to toss all my inhibitions aside, and when I do I feel a need to be close, I kind of do what I can to be skin to skin. Doesn't mean, you know, sex, but I just need to be close." Clarke explained in a loose, clumsy ramble that had Anya's eyes twinkling with nearly enough amusement to look past how crimson-hued her cheeks were. "Anyways...what I mean to say is yes, I'm super attracted to you, and how you're dressed doesn't make me want to 'ravish' you less, it's just I'm not brainless, so I can control myself. And maybe tonight...in the garden, under the stars, maybe I felt a slower kiss would be more romantic, too."

Anya's amused stare held as seconds ticked by, and maybe Clarke would be a little unnerved if Anya's thumb wasn't gently stroking at the crook of her neck. Honestly, she wasn't sure if Anya even noticed she was doing it, but it was soothing and just what she needed to calm her heart rate to a reasonable number.

"It's been a very romantic evening, Clarke. I'll certainly give you that." Anya admitted softly, sending her heart soaring at her success. Not only had she gotten to hold Anya, but she'd managed to kiss her and romance her.

The night wasn't even close to done, and she'd achieved nearly all her goals and more.

Still, there was one that she'd only received a non-verbal answer to that she really did need some clarity on. Clarke angled down for a quick kiss before getting up from the bench and walking over to the larger set of flowerbeds. With care not to disrupt the others, Clarke broke off a single daisy and returned to the bench, feeling her nerves escalate with each step no matter how much she called up the memory of their kisses, their words, to calm her heart.

"All I know is that I really like you Anya. Every step I've taken to regain your trust has only had me wanting to take another, to hurry, to get closer to you. I've really enjoyed our mornings together, and I've really enjoyed spending tonight with you, and...well, what I mean to ask is...will you be my girlfriend, Anya?" Clarke held out the flower to the girl who she'd been thoroughly enchanted by, her voice shaking, eyes brimming with tears of hope and fear.

Tears that spilled over as Anya gave a silent nod, taking the daisy and lifting it to her nose for a quick sniff before setting it aside. "I'd love to, Clarke."

Maybe it was a little childish to bounce on her toes in celebration, but she couldn't care, not when she was dating Anya, not when she had her first real girlfriend.

She hadn't noticed for the tears in her eyes, but Anya was suddenly right there, dabbing at her tears and kissing her wet, salty cheeks, and as much as she yearned to kiss her girl, she just desperately needed a hug. Which had her wondering if Anya was a mind reader when she was suddenly pulled into a delightful, cozy embrace, one arm snaking around her waist with the other hand cradling Clarke's head.

As much as she sank into Anya's arms, she was immediately reminded of her girlfriend's words from way back on their drive from the convention. How Anya yearned for contact. How maybe this was Anya feeling she might be able to freely seek it out now. First the kiss, now the hug.

Not that Clarke would want Anya to take all of the initiative.

She quickly wrapped her arms around Anya's waist and lifted her up, spinning her around, soaking in the absolute delight saturating Anya's bubbly laughter.

"Hey, there you two are! Lexa's been looking for you, we're hoping to grab some seats by the fire pit before it gets too crowded. Want to join us?" Costia called out from the garden's entrance, finally bursting the bubble they'd been living in for the past hour or so.

Clarke set Anya down, her girlfriend shooting her a soft smile before pulling away, doing a slow three hundred and sixty degree spin. It was cute, really, and had Clarke blushing.

Anya was writing their surroundings to memory, head soon tilting upwards to hopefully inscribe the sky to her long term storage. Anya wanted to remember.

Maybe a few years down the line, Clarke wouldn't recall what flowers her mother had planted, what amount of cloud coverage there was, the vines encroaching and wrapping around one of the footholds of the bench. No, that was a long shot, because she couldn't stop watching Anya.

Anya could remember the garden for the both of them. She was happy enough taking in the sheer bliss on Anya's face, the glee she exuded with every movement.

Because really, that's what mattered to her. It was the first time she really made Anya happy, and that was a milestone she'd never forget.

And if she was being honest, she had an inkling that their future would be damn bright.

(past this, I have an unfinished final Anya POV scene, when it’s done I’ll probably publish the whole thing, but yeah, like I said, it’s a WIP. Hope you enjoyed!)

#long post #clanya fanfiction #writewritewrite #thedeadflag #OhNoThereIsOnlyOneBedWhatDo AU