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blurays · 2 years

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sorry for having the most depressing existential crisis ever by myself but kind of worse than feeling cursed for dying is feeling like ok well illness is not a moral determination on me or else four year olds wouldnt be getting the same thing but that means its just random which means things are just Bad for no reason at all

and like im so Aware of it and it feels like no one else is and it feels like insane like i guess apparently it is considered Wrong to focus on it and i mean its not like i want to sit around being unhappy but i cant understand how it’s not logical to be like just. incredibly sad forever about all this other than the fact that being miserable is not fun but it’s really just. insane to think that idk this sounds fake deep lol but like i read about some university department news and im like not belittling academia blah but its like there are people who dedicate their lives to studying x subject and im supposed to pick something and do that like some career and pretend it matters? when i wont live long enough to idk have the life anyone else does

its not like i know what people should say but im tired of no one knowing what to say im tired of feeling like idk anyone who understands it im tired of struggling to explain that sometimes i just have very strong moments of not giving a shit about twitter drama bc im more focused on Mortality As A Concept or my stomach hurting all the time or my arm rotting so that it scrapes against the joint... im tired of knowing i probably wont ever be as old as my older brother even and then having ppl tell me i need to live in the moment like im not desperately aware lol. im tired of people not understanding or caring that it comes and goes because sometimes i can repress it but sometimes i cant

even if i dont die Soon which feels very vague to me like i was supposed to be thrilled at the concept of 3-7 years it’s like. no one is ever going to understand it and it feels like people don’t even care or try.. it just makes them uncomfortably e and they think im making a big deal of it and using it or something.. which like whatever i get its not like i go around comforting everyone especially now and ik im not the center of everyones universe. but its like okay everyone else wants to avoid it but i cant because i cant even read a book watch a tv show whatever without some casual mention of cancer. because its some entertaining side thing in everyones lives but for me im simply focusing on it too much

like i dont want to be The Sick Girl really especially because to get any sympathy you have to be very happy about it and very constantly talented at something which is hard, when you are in pain all the time and very aware of the death your brain is soon about to cause u at any possible moment, but i dont know what else to do lol. maybe meds will help but idk :) i want to be optimistic but its like i dont think we can talk therapy our way out of this one !

idk why im writing this lol im just tired of trying im rly at my limit like... hearing “i think you overthought it” yeah well. dying will do that to you

i know describing myself as dying isnt rly making me any more appealing to be friends with but im just sad . cool. its not like i would super want to be friends with someone who was miserable all the fucking time but on the other side its also like wow im having fun feeling so entirely isolated

i wish i was a different person mostly. maybe if i was more graceful this would be more fun & like sympathy garnering instead of being like very lonely and my bones hurt etc

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whiteanti · 5 years

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this is honestly such a big issue within our communities, the "reclamation" of slurs. and i hate it so much esp when white passing ppl do it like hello? i dont like it when they call themselves people of color either bc they dont fucking know the struggle of being racialized, they only know how to whine abt not being white enough for the whites n poc for the poc. i wish we had another term to call ourselves bc white passing weirdos and spicy whites took the term poc and fucking ran with it

(1) lmao theres this person whos url is [redacted] whos south n se asian but is like ¼ chinese and and made ch*nk jokes then ppl confronted them on anon n they said its just whites trying to police their “pocness”… and what bugs me about ppl like this is how they dont reclaim slurs they just use them to be edgy online. it doesnt matter how much % dna u have of an ethnicity if ur not racialized as it dont fucking use slurs u know u’ll never be called they have literal worms for brains

ok sorry for reformatting like this I’m just already anxious as hell bc of exams rn so I rlly can’t deal w getting into fights w ppl like that but anyways ik who ur talking abt and its the same person as I was but I don’t have any receipts and I haven’t interacted for the past couple of years so I’m not gonna assume u know. also idk if these r the same anon but these r kinda similar so I’m gonna out them together. my reply got rlly fucking long so its under the cut 😛

anyways I feel like a lot of ppl esp on tumblr ‘reclaim’ slurs for the edginess of it bc they’re teenagers in a white society trying to figure out how to b a poc in a way that isn’t acceptable to white ppl and/or they think its CoolTM bc all their mutuals r doing it. like to a certain extent I get it bc when I was 13/14 I was like that as well. I called myself a chink bitch and all that shit but also I was a fucking dumbass kid who was doing both of the above. but ppl who r 17/18/19/20+ who carry on doing these crazy fucking jokes and tell kids who r impressionable and young that this is a good and healthy way to reclaim their identity? wack. the way ppl treat each other and the way ppl have normalised treating themselves w absolutely no respect in the name of activism or whatever is….. just crazy. calling urself slurs to degrade urself isn’t funny reclaiming shit ur just making urself feel worse. theres literally nothing positive abt it ur making no impact, ur doing positive for ‘the cause’ or urself either. so thats my thoughts on most of the ‘slur reclamation’ that happens on tumblr.

onto what ur actually saying sdkjfhs I basically agree 100%. ppl who r white passing shouldn’t b able to reclaim slurs bc they’re never gonna have the slurs used against them if they’re white passing? bc like being able to reclaim a slur basically has 2 parts a) was the slur targeted at u (e.g. a butch lesbian can’t reclaim f*g even if its used against them bc it’s meant for gay men and they’re just being mistaken to b a gay man) and b) are u ever actually gonna get targeted by the slur (e.g. a white passing person is never gonna get called a racial slur in the street bc they look white). if u fit both them congrats u can reclaim the slur! but generally I find it rlly iffy if ppl just start throwing around slurs or calling other ppl that slur esp if its not widely reclaimed in the community (big example: YELLOW)

but also if ur white passing and u decide that ur gonna reclaim a slur ok thats fine bc technically ur a poc but u literally can’t get angry at poc who freak out when u say it bc??? u look white??? what do u want us to do look up ur fucking family tree before u start throwing slurs around??? like anyways I’ve always had a whole mess of issues w white passing ppl and tbh mixed white poc to a certain extent esp when y'all act like the shit u get from poc is just as bad as racism…. like getting ‘rejected’ by a poc culture aint as bad as literal racism but anyways. white passing poc r like….. what u want me to do……. feel sorry for u?? apologise??

like white passing ppl have a unique place in society to b able to stand up against racism in white spaces bc y'all do know what its like to b a poc to a certain extent and obviously have access to white spaces as well. white ppl trust u as an ‘ambassador’ for poc bc u look white but every time I interact w u guys either irl or online u side w white ppl/racism bc its so nice to benefit from appearing white but not so nice to have to stand up for poc. like this is so many ppl ESPECIALLY white passing e asians u guys r transparent as hell. obviously not every white passing person is like this but from all the white passing ppl I’ve interacted w like shits the same bruh.

ok like 50th anyways but ANYWAYS like I identify myself a lot as a poc online bc theres a lot more solidarity politics(? idk if thats the right term but lmao) on here than irl. the internet is a good way to connect w different ppl that u wouldn’t otherwise meet irl so thats why. its a hard issue bc a lot of the time ‘poc’ merges ALL of our experiences together whether ur rich, poor, white passing, an immigrant, black, asian, etc, etc, etc and we all obviously have different experiences of racism and how we interact w our race/ethnicity and as I’ve said before whilst ‘poc’ is a kinda useful term sometimes for solidarity and talking abt racism generally but its overused a lot. theres no harm in being specific abt the kind of racism u face if its specific to a certain race or ethnicity or group or whatever.

also tbh a term for non-white passing poc would b useful that doesn’t surround the idea of white passing ppl being the norm. (something like visible poc? idk) but anyways this has gotten so long I’m just ranting/rambling at this point so I’m sorry for answering ur asks so weirdly?

#like this got so long skdjfhskdjf #I didn't rlly collect my thoughts properly cba but yea I'm sorry skdjfhdsjk #asks #anon #anti white mood

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