#and ive finally accepted (bc ive noticed it for years but kinda ignored it) that i get SUPER paranoid before my period hits | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chi-----chi · 5 years

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This is a post to no one bc idrk if anyone i used to talk to on tumblr or like anyone who follows me is still around but i just wanna share some shit bc this is my blog and i can🤷🏽‍♀️

I joined tumblr when i was like... 13 i think? It wasnt the first online thing i was super involved in. Before that I was on fanpop lol. Anyway, i really got into it bc it was a bunch of people involved in ‘geeky’ stuff and that wasnt normal in my small town. It made me feel really accepted and it was cool. I even made some cool friends (not a lot bc i feared talking to strangers lol) but it kinda fucked me up too?

Now im sure people have noticed and i really dont know if this is the case still cause i rlly only follow meme blogs but there eas a desire on this site to just be miserable during the first 3 years i was on here. Everybody wanted to be sad or offended by legitimately everything. It was fucked up but as a young kid (who had no business on this site honestly) this really influenced me. I felt that in order to fit in or just onderstand i kinda needed to be miserable?? I got myself into these deep depressed states and these awful mindsets because thats how the internet said i should be. I became withdrawn and I really think this mindset is really what triggered my social anxiety. (I kinda figured id get normal anxiety cause of genes but not social oof)

At first i had it in my head that i wasnt gonna talk to people bc i live in a small town and theyre ignorant and racist (my town is mostly half breeds and mexicans and i was an asshole). I kinda got this god complex??? Like somehow i was better bc i read a few posts on tumblr about new age issues. This hate kinda grew into fear tho. Like over the years instead of wondering what was wrong with people i started to wonder what was wrong with me? I started to fear anyone i saw laughing or even talking near me bc i assumed it was about me. I wouldnt talk to my friends if they were at a table with strangers bc i feared i would annoy them or they would dislike me. I sat alone during morning break my 9th grade year because i didnt want to disturb my friends at a table with like 2 strangers. I started thinking my friends hated me and even my family and... god i was alone and i didnt feel like this was right anymore?? Like at first i liked relating to all the edgy textposts and memes about hating others and being alone but it got to real.

I started getting breathing pains in 9th grade where i wouldnt be able to breath all the way in and i couldnt get enough air but ot faded. I got kinda good at talking to people again bit i was still scared. I would sit alone in most classes cause none of my friends had the same classes as me but that was cool because my safe haven was band first period and lunch and those two periods just really got me to kinda open up. I ended up becoming a section leader for band and thats a lotta strangers i gotta be in charge of but it was ok until my junior year. I started having the breathing pains again but it was different. I really couldnt get any air and it made me wanna faint. I ended up leaving in the middle of morning rehearsals one day and me and my mom went to the clinic. The dr examined my breathing and what not and determined that I had been having mini panic attacks. We finally got me started on some meds even tho my mom and dad werent sure but god they changed my life.

The rest of my junior year went well and me and my parents noticed a change right awwy. My fears feom before were just like poofed away. My senior year tho was the changer. I did so mich sit and had so much fun. I could just talk to people??? I could go up to someone and just talk to them??? I could call my own appointments or other lines. It was so new but at the same time i didnt even realise i was changing. I stopped getting on tumblr bc it was just bumming me out. I had this new perspective on life and god i was just so sick of being miserable and hating myself.

I love being me now. I love that i can talk and meet new people and go to new places withought fear. I feel so grounded and free to be me. Im not worried about impressing others or caring about if certain people will care what i posted or whatever. I was done worrying and hating and i was ready to be in the moment and be me for once in my life. I was finally feeling confident.

Im in college now and im happy. Im not afraid to stand up for myself anymore and im willing to ask questions in class. I can sit alone in my room for a day without me thinking im alone cause im hated. And i can get on tumblr again and look at funny poctures and reminisce in my old days of a fandom blogger and what not. It wasnt all bad, i made some really great friends and i may not talk to them but I remember them and I remember feeling acceptance from them which ment a lot to me back then. I also got just really informed on what was happening in the world and the issues within peoples lives and thats part of the reason i became and family and child sciences major.

Im happy about the person ive become and im ready for what else is to come. Thanks

#yall dont gotta read #its 3am and im just really feelin it ig #sorry if its long idk of tumblr does the little read more thing anymore??#whoops #fuckkk i just scrolled past this and its at least two thumb swipes thats kinda wack i was v much in my feels

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ghost-of-a-girl · 4 years

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03.09.20

Its been awhile since I've been active on this blog except for the occasional reblog every now and then. This is my safe place to use as a mental health/illness related outlet. However, things have... Changed.

- For awhile I questioned my gender. I had always accepted I was a cis girl and later that I was bi (or pan, but I prefer bi).

At some point in September Eli made a joke abt me being a trans boy and that got us talking abt how he had noticed the things I had said over the years abt presenting and genitalia without much thought abt what it meant. I thought abt the time I had been mistaken for a guy and how good that felt.

He fully embraced me figuring this out and even bought me a rather expensive realistic packer and answered any questions I had abt presenting. I still wasn't sure how to label it. Bigender seemed to make the most sense as I did, at times, feel like a girl even tho during those months I totally felt like a boy. I also didnt want to try hormones (tho facial hair would've been cool) or surgery as my body seemed easy enough to disguise (except for my height, lol. 5' for the win) and I could get away with just a sports bra and loose shirt and I actually love my body now- especially after my hips and breasts have finally developed now that my body has been out of starvation mode for 2+ years. But...

- I've recently found out it hasn't been just me. There are two others, maybe three, that I know of, also sharing this body. I'm working on getting a diagnosis (my guess is a form of OSDD as I'm sure I'm usually co-con and have only mild childhood (there were a few years I had completely forgotten trauma but a couple years of flashbacks kindly reminded me 🙃) and recent amnesia) and I really wish I had done it sooner. Ive been curious abt it but always pushed it away as "attention seeking" and didnt try to reach out to who might be there.

Now that I have... I realize poor James has been my voice of reason at certain times and I've been extremely rude and ignored him bc I always assumed they were my own thoughts. We talk a lot now. I only get minor headaches from our communication and we Haven't tried bringing him any closer to the front like we've done with the little (she actually kinda just does that by herself now that she knows it ok... She drains me, esp when she throws a fit but tbh, its 100% worth it and I love her) and already I've been a lot happier and made huge improvements in my life that have been issues for years.

Based on his name and appearance (his first way of making himself known was getting me to sketch his hair before describing what the inner world looked like already and why I was stuck where I was) I think he's been around for quite some time but either he's not sure how long or our communication still needs improvement.

Because of this I'm wondering if those months when I felt very masculine were him bleeding through, trying to help me while I rapidly declined.

- Eli and I broke up the day after Valentine's day and I have no other friends to talk to and my family isn't exactly trusted with this sort of thing. Any of it.

The URL of this blog is a line from a poem I wrote in long term in 2015-2016. ("Coward in a pillbox, ghost of a girl") I feel like I should change it but I'm not sure what to change it to. I'm more confused abt my gender identity than ever now, esp with how I seem to be mostly co-con with James and I still want him to be comfortable when he's closer to the front for long periods of time. Idk. This is all super new.

I might make a separate post describing how I discovered them and my time processing and accepting that it was real (James is very good at patiently arguing my denial, which I appreciate 💖)

So ye. I guess thats an update. Sorry its so long.

#osdd #did #bigender #genderqueer #questioning #/j #personal #tat #mine #update

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