#and like my mom be so mad abd angry at me because i am how i am… it’s just so painful | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pbandjesse · 5 years

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Im feeling kind of sad right now. I had a breakdown earlier over something stupid but it was just to much. I am looking forward to sleep because its just been a lot.

I had a good day today though. I slept well. My headache was gone when i got up. So that was nice. I got up at 8 and put the heat on and slept another hour. Excellent.

When I got up i made a sort of schedule. Get dressed. Go to the store. Come home and make an omelet. Paint for a bit. Watch tv. Go to work. I wanted to be eating by 1015 and I accomolished that!

I felt cute. I like my haircut a lot. I biked over to the store abd got a few things. Mostly was out for soda. I biked home and made my omelet and toast and it was excellent. And i was just on time at 1010.

Sweet Pea wanted to go outside so I let him hang out there but then I ended up forgetting about him until about 11:15 I feel horrible because he came in and he was all cold and his tail was all puffy. So I loved on him and played with him for a bit after that but while he was outside I did a bunch of other stuff.

I change my outfit because I decided I didn't want to get flour dust from the clay we were going to make with the kids today all over myself and I get dishes and then I painted for a while. It was nice. I had a really chill morning. And I just felt really good about everything. I finally sewed Pockets into my black jacket and I felt really really accomplished.

I realized that sweet pea was outside and let him in and I felt bad. So I spent a little bit of time loving him up before I had to leave for work. I bike down to the bus stop but I was pretty early. I ended up having a really nice conversation with some elderly men that were hanging out there about being short, the one guy was only five two. And about that dad and daughter that murdered that lady. And about people falling in love with people in prison and how it's not the wisest decision. It was fun talking to them it was a nice interaction.

The bus came and I got to work on time. Well I got to work early. And I spent the next hour cleaning and organizing. I returned some stuff back to the supply closet. And I talked to Tiffany about strategies for group work and choosing tables. And the general was great. So no big deal and me and chelsi have a plan of attack for where they are going to sit.

Class was fun. We have a new student to add to our other new student from yesterday. His name is Michael. He's very very nice. And it was a fun time. We had a nice drawing time in the beginning and I brought my pink Furby and batteries. And the kids were so thrilled. Because she does a lot of different things. And so they were passing around all day. Enough that her batteries died. So if I bring her again I'll have to bring her new batteries. We went outside and it was nice. Some of the girls braided my hair and it was just chill.

Dinner was fine but I dipped out to go to the classroom to start measuring stuff because we were making Salto Clyde. Devon came and helped me and he was super helpful measuring things with the measuring cup. I realize that I screwed up the salt measurement but I don't think it'll matter that much since the salt is just a preservative. And I'm going to shellac all there pieces at the end.

And they had such a blast working with Clay. I had them all come to the back of the table and we talked about best practices for how to build something out of clay. Pinch pot, coil, slab. They all asked can we do it another way. And I tried to explain to them that these are really the three ways that you can only make something. And that what they're trying to do is essentially a pinch pot and that's totally fine. But it was funny talking to her about it. And then they just went to town making this clay. Each table got their own bucket and they all mixed up together and table number three to the best and got it the quickest. Table number one had the most roll. And ended up with almost no clay advance. But thankfully I made another batch to share with anyone who had trouble. And I'm going to keep all of it and make baggies of equal amounts for each kid. They're not building till Thursday so I got tomorrow to work on that. But it was really nice seeing how excited they were to work on everything. I'm probably going to bring in some tools for them to work with but today was really great.

The kids were originally working on plastic but it was the plastic that has all the old paint on it so it was flaking all in their class so they asked if they could take the plastic off the tables. That first Chelsea said no but then we decided it would be okay as long as all the kids cleaned. And they did and they did a really good job. And then at the end we talked about sensory and how working with this clay was a sensory experience. And they said that they used almost all their senses including taste because all of them tried to eat it because it was made of flour. Which was very funny. But it was a lot of fun.

The end of the day was fine and then I got on the bus without much issue. There was a weird guy at the bus stop who was very concerned that I smiled at him when I walk past. But it was fine. Until I realized I couldn't find my bike key. Wasn't in my backpack and it wasn't in my coat.

So I get pretty upset. And when I got off the bus I don't my backpack out and it wasn't in there. So I had to just walk to my apartment. I had planned on going to James but now I was tired and it was 6:30. And I didn't want to be walking all the way to his apartment and all the way back. So I just told him I was going to come. And I was upset but it was fine. I couldn't find the spare key that I thought I had and that frustrated me. And I dump my backpack out to see if I have had missed it and realize that my clock furby was making a horrible horrible grinding sound. And this is the one I just got that I spent too much money on and that actually works. And the screen was frozen on all fives and was making horrible noises on every Saturday. And I was so upset and then I couldn't find a screwdriver to open it up. And I called James and I absolutely flipped out. I was sobbing. And I know it was because I was overwhelmed by everything I was just so angry. I was mad at myself and I'm not about this apartment. I don't want to live here anymore. I just want to move out I don't like the space I'm too cold all the time. It's too much money. And I just don't want to be here. I really feel like I can live in apartments one year at a time and that's basically it. Because every place I've lived as soon as I hit that year-and-a-half Mark I just I'm so disgusted by the space that I'm just super unhappy. But maybe it's also because when I get to that point I know I'm almost out of the apartment? And like I am dealing with moving by just despising the place I'm in? Unclear but I was really really upset. I ended up hanging up on him because I couldn't keep looking for a screwdriver to open the stupid Furby and be on the phone. So I hung up on him and I was able to find a pocket knife that had a small screwdriver I want it and was able to get the batteries out and I fixed it and it was fine. And then I was fine. I just felt super hollow inside and tired. But I wasn't upset. I felt embarrassed but I wasn't as upset as I had them. I called him back and I apologized and told him I punched a wall and split my knuckle open. And he said he would stop me from doing that in the future and that he was really sorry that he couldn't have been more helpful. My mom had also sent me a package with keychain Furbies that made me smile because she didn't have to do that and she went out of her way and it helps when I feel alone out here to know that they're back they're thinking of me. and now that everything is calm down I'm really just ready to go to sleep. don't have class tomorrow but we do have a PD at noon. I can't do anything about my Bike today or tomorrow. So we just have to wait and hope that it all works out quickly. That my bike key is just in the storage classroom and I'll find it on Thursday when we go back. Or James will have to get a bolt cutter and cut my bike off the pole. But for now I'm going to sleep. Good night everyone stay warm

#ootd #work #furby #class #tired #sky #tuesday

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microsoftwindows94 · 7 years

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I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

My best work seems to come at non-structured times. Now it comes here, from the bathtub. There's a lot of things bothering me, but they were bothering me in relative secret, while I knew they were problems everything felt fine and only now am I realizing some of these deep seated problems. Physical -Physical Stress and Tension are signs of this underlying stress over the years and they show themselves throughout my body. I have very tight muscles and I've gone to physical therapy lately and been have been told I'm in the top ten club for tightest hamstrings. Weird. Oh and the tight-est calves. I don't like to brag about stuff but there it is. I'm working on actual relaxation and flexibility. -Rapid Heart Rate; my heart usually beats slowly but lately even when I'm relaxed it beats like an energizer bunny. Not too good I imagine, and stress I would think to be the cause. All in all I should clarify that despite these things I feel like a pretty healthy person. Mental - I've been in a fog, a fog of relative happiness with some minor stupid issues that I fixate on. Overall I haven't felt like myself in so long I can't remember what it's like and I'm wondering if I should even care. I tend not to go down the rabbit hole of "dark philosophical truths that depress me" as often, but they are still there mostly unresolved. Would I even know what it feels like to leave this fog? - I still bite and chew my hands and mouth often after stress when I am no longer aware that I'm stressed out. (Kinda mental cuz I'm taking action to do this it's not entirely unconscious.) I am stressed and impatient, my blood boils trying to cross off my checklists, trying to use all my time responsibly and meaningfully ABD yet wasting blocks of entire hours on my own time. How ridiculous I have become. - I still find the negative in everything. I manage to worry about everything that happens to my body, and the smallest failures when working out make me angry at myself. Make me wonder if I'm genetically even supposed to be doing this kind of thing where as other days I feel invincible. I have begun to see the irrational side of myself, the primal self who easily feels good or bad. If I have a workout routine I know I'll crush, I can feel good after even though I knew it would be easy. (50% of the time or more I'll still know that and feel bad about it though.) and pretty much whenever I have a challenging routine I'll feel bad if I fail a set, even though I should have known it would be hard. - I deal with my moms negativity and seeing my parents quietly, from my pov, decay. Everyday in theirs quietly on their computers doing meaningless things just like I do. (I can't seem to figure out what is meaningful but something's bring me greater joy than others and that's a start) I feel responsible for their happiness and that of pretty much everyone around me to an extent that it hurts me when, at opportunity I perceive that I have failed to help them. I'm absolutely ineffective at most things I wish I was doing. And I know it's not so much about the tangible results but about our mindset and perception but it's hard. I'll admit that I only rarely realize that I am held back by who I think I am / was, and that's a person I've already admitted not to know. I rarely feel real, lately even in pain. (Which usually does the trick, and is part of the reason it's addicting, I mean who wants to live in the haze forever?) - I'm realizing the incredible depth of which I have been infected by the propensity to succumb to conspiracy at every turn. From an early age it was there, though it couldn't be earlier than 10 or so. I am constantly worried about the system, the man, trying to break me and yet I almost love it like 1984. (George Orwell) I hate things that I associate with this faceless monster: medical supplies and hospital rooms, beige and souless furniture; modernist architecture, the very water I drink from certain places I fear has somehow become tainted. I have a hard time really feeling that I am entirely delusional because that would mean I've let the machine win. I exist in a state of constant pseudo mental preparedness for fighting this faceless enemy. It even shows I think. Perhaps in my tight muscles and constant tiredness. I can also see the conspiracies churning in my parents but theirs are...while more obvious and seemingly easier to disprove, nevertheless indicative that it was imbued in my DNA. I know some conspiracies must be true, but hopefully I can learn to let go of the feeling that this dark force is caressing it's way into my soul. Hopefully I can to live with an understanding of what is "real" and what is not. Letting go will be very hard because it will mean that my feelings that were so strong, are now invalid. It would make me wonder what else my feelings could be wrong about. IT WILL BREAK ME, BECAUSE IT WILL INVALIDATE EVERY EMOTION, KILLING WITH IT THE ONLY MEANING I HAD (emotion based) AND STRIPPING ME OF IDENTITY, why, it is like a little death in a way, and I'm scared of these little deaths. - I don't want to accept scientific or mechanical limitations and I don't think I ever will. I want to believe that if I needed to I could shoot lasers from my palms and overcome anything. I want to believe that I can live forever because death isn't something I can accept, and heaven scares me beyond death. Unless it is possible for heaven to exist in a way that would allow the real interaction of me with everyone I knew. I'm okay living here if could just take that instead. Although eventually I'd go mad with that too. Perhaps death is freedom, and acceptance of it brings peace. It does to an extent, even now but at the same time paradoxically it feels awful. Interesting how that works.

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