#like my life isn’t already painful.. no fun.. really not the best experience and the people in it make it 100x more difficult | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

acupofbullshit · 3 months

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The ugly, ugly truth of a stone to the heart.

“Even on my worst days, did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me? Because I loved you… I swore I’d love you until my dying day.”

Ladies, theybies, gentlemen and kinfolk alike gather round, Gather round!

For I have quite the tale to tell you.

It’s a cautionary true tale of tragedy, heart ache, heart break, love, loss, kindness and a lesson in why empathy isn’t always the best policy.

Our story spans the better part of a decade and… none of it’s enjoyable.

The people in this story are extremely real and is based entirely on fact, truth and genuine circumstance; that being said please do not take it upon yourself to absorb this traumatic situation to make it your own or to use this as a shield to hide behind your own feelings for the situation and the people involved.

If you care too greatly for those involved and you simply want to stay away from the details or would rather live a Schrödinger’s lifestyle I implore you to back out now, stop reading and call it a night… that’s enough social media for tonight.

If not, please read on.

To start I’ll answer some questions as I usually do.

Q. Why are you doing this?

A. I’ve been hounded relentlessly for it on NGL and there’s a character limit there so I figured if you really wanna know so bad? here we are.

Q. Why do you feel the need to do this?

A. Two reasons

1. He’s gonna say I’m crazy and hide the truth so might as well actually be crazy and spill the beans

2. I’ve accidentally opened a door to social media where some of you feel genuinely entitled to the details of my personal relationships and the damage is done.

Q. Will you share your life openly on social media in the future?

A. Maybe… maybe not.

If this experience has taught me anything it’s you really cannot trust the people around you and sometimes you need to trust that the universe knows details you don’t and hears conversations you can’t.

If the circle needs to close, let it close.

It doesn’t matter how much you love them or how badly you want things to change.

Q. Does the other party know you’re sharing these details?

A. Probs not, hey? But I also don’t care?

Not once did that man think about me or our children at any point through his indiscretions… so… 🤷‍♀️

Q. What happens if your kids read this in the future?

A. I’m extremely honest with my girls and they’re already aware of the important details and this is a lived experience for us all.

I’m not sharing aaaaaaaaalllll the traumatic shit because… I don’t want to relive that? Just the relative need to knows.

trigger warnings in effect for infidelity, abuse, anger, sadness, depression, miscarriage and everything else that feels like anguish.

Are you ready kids?

Because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride…

“I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace”

Let’s take you back 10 years. It’s 2014, MH370 Is missing, Ebolas a problem, Vine is popping off and Fancy by Iggy Azalea and Charli XCX is taking the world by storm.

I’m a newly single 21 year with 2 kids under 3 and my friends are trying to set me up with a cute boy they knew who, I was CERTAIN wasn’t interested in me.

The boy could barely look at me without frowning and when I tried to speak to him he always looked like he was in pain. There was no way he liked me… and yet he was asking me on a date.

He was a little younger, lots of fun and very handsome… and also NINETEEN. And he didn’t have kids of his own. And liked to party. And he didn’t finish school. And he couldn’t drive and he didn’t have any responsibilities and he had his whole life ahead of him… why on earth would this man chain himself to a woman with 2 young children?

Trading in Kesha and Skrillex in dark rooms overflowing with booze and dimly lit with lasers for Peppa pig and Disney movies on the couch illuminated with a nightlight and a 3 years olds giggle… not the most ideal trade for a young man and yet still, he promised he wanted it.

He wanted a family, a life, a house full of love and children of his own someday.

“Even if it does work out and he actually likes me it’s a recipe for disaster … this is a bad idea” I thought to myself.

10 years later I kick myself for not trusting my instincts and hate the fact that, like always, I was right.

Ok I’m not always right.

Once I thought there were 100 seconds in a minute and 60 centimetres in a metre... yeah yeah, I know. I KNOW.

But I am always right about PEOPLE. who they are, how they act as their true selves and their core motivations.

When you’ve been through enough trauma to madden a small army you get pretty good at seeing things for what they are… and even better at delusionally pretending you can’t and especially so when love is involved.

Back to the story.

Time wore on and we were happy... Mostly.

Or at least we were right up until our first major hurdle as a couple… infidelity.

The genius accidentally showed me someone’s nude photographs on his computer while trying to open an anime for us to watch.

How was it handled?

He said I planted it there to make him look bad and that I was trying to set him up.

Listen, I’m crazy… but I’m not INSANE.

I dye my hair pink on a whim and drive interstate for a meal. I’ll laugh so hard at a seal screaming at a traffic cone I’ll accidentally trigger a panic attack.

See? Crazy, but not insane.

Naturally I rebutted and refuted his claims but he doubled down which is when he learned gaslighting was an effective tool to weaponise against someone with admitted lapses in memory.

Yes, you can start cringing now. It only gets worse from here.

We hadn’t even hit our first anniversary before the cracks were well and truly embedded and they ran DEEP.

And I stayed. Stupidly, because I thought somehow I DID somehow plant them there or it WAS somehow my fault.

What if it WAS an old photo that he just happened to have saved to his desktop that he forgot about? Benefit of the doubt right?

Wrong. WRONG.

I look back on that poor young gullible woman and I’m filled with rage. He’s nice, sure but he’s not worth the thousands of dollars in therapy and the years of happiness lost.

Stacey, you should have run. Got out clean! Dodged a bullet!

It doesn’t matter if there was another failed relationship, this wasn’t on your hands you don’t have to prove you can outlast something out of spite anymore.

BUT I DIGRESS.

we move on, things change.

We put in some work together, I change jobs he goes back to school to get his apprenticeship… things are going kinda great! (Aside from my medical mishaps and me losing my job that is)

…And then we got new neighbours.

That’s when the real trouble began.

Within a year of them moving in he had made friends, destroyed a marriage, broke up two families and forced us to move.

Why? Because he just had to try and (maybe) succeed in fucking his best friends fiancée (our next door neighbours).

That one was hard.

I had just endured a miscarriage and was undergoing a likely cancer diagnosis… I’d spent the day before having holes poked into my cervix to remove suspicious cells and I was worn out and exhausted.

After a long ass day of being in pain and raising girls I had just put dinner on the table and felt ready to cry. He tried to cheer me up and show me a “a funny meme” at the table. What he ended up showing me was my very pregnant next door neighbour masturbating in a towel.

I didn’t laugh at the hilarious portrait. He wasn’t laughing when I threw him out of my house and slammed the door. The neighbours saw, they whispered “see, he said she was insane”

I didn’t care.

He deleted the evidence of the affair and tried to convince me I didn’t actually see anything and i had just made it up. She got ahead of the curve and told her partner I was just an awful woman with an axe to grind.

“It’s the stress of the situation, it’s because you’re sick. You’ve just lost your job. You need me”

I could scream now.

Therapy made me believe I was somehow responsible for this adult child’s inability to regulate his impulses

“He has adhd… and addiction issues… relapses will happen but you love each other. He can’t be fully held accountable for his actions you’re going to have to learn to work around these problems”.

“You both want to work on this right?”

Right?

It’s not like you have a lot going for you anyway…

One more shot… just one more.

And then while we were in the thick of working on our relationship to each other he left for work again and lived in Newcastle 5 days to 7 days a week for 6 months.

I stayed here, trying to work full time, raise 2 kids and wrap up a custody battle.. he forgot I even existed. He’d forget to call… forget to message… forget to tell the girls good night…

You can guess what happened.

Of course you can, you see the pattern. You’re not blinded.

And you know what? I definitely saw it too.

Except now? He’s adored by my girls and were newly engaged I can’t just back out now.. I can’t take away their parent.

It’s not their fault he does these things and he’s mostly so good to them… maybe I could just learn to live with this….

Maybe if I just lost the weight or tried harder to be a better wife or was more demure and less abrasive… maybe I needed to change my hair or my style or my entire personality… maybe tattoos might help.

Maybe if I changed everything about myself it might make it easier for him to want to love me…

Stacey you fucking Brussel Sprout you’re TRAUMATISED.

He didn’t need to gaslight me anymore. I was doing it to myself FOR him.

Can you believe we haven’t even hit the half way point yet.

The next ones though… these were DOOZYS.

It’s now 2019. We’re supposed to be getting married in 3 months. Guess who’s texting pictures of his dick to women on the internet again? SPOILER ALERT: It wasn’t me.

The wedding is off. We’re just living together at this point out of sheer necessity.

And that’s when things really took a turn.

I won’t get into the details because.. this bit is really REALLY sad but the highlight reel runs: a broken hand from punching a hole through the floor, a trip to the emergency mental health unit for one, $30,000.00 in debt and three of us in crisis accomodation over Christmas in a hostel later I’m now free… and he was in the local gatts bed the day I left.

Moving forwards I have my own place, I’m feeling better, I worked on myself and I was feeling great about life again.

He and I are still friends trying to maintain a friendship for the girls who still adore him. They don’t know any different and I don’t have the heart to tell them.

And then covid happened.

And he started staying more and more frequently… and he’s changed and he’d worked on himself and things were different this time…

I wanna puke I’m so dumb. DUMMMMBB.

For a while though, things actually were great. We were working together as a team, the girls were thriving and things were going well…

So why won’t he commit to long term goals?

The tension was palpable. Our friends were CONFUSED. I was devastated.

From the very beginning all I had ever asked for was for him to love me and the girls unconditionally and that we’d get married and grow our family together.

This was only ever expanded to include “and to not cheat on me”.

He swore these goals were shared. Promised these were things he wanted too and that he definitely wanted them.

So why, after 7 years of back and forth would he not ask me to marry him and make things official? He’s asked before right? Why won’t he ask again?

Why after 7 years did we have no savings, no shared major assets and no real plan to expand our family? Why did we not have a 5 year goal?

Because he didn’t want too in the first place.

I begged.

Cried.

Pleaded.

“What can I do?” I’d lament.

“Why is this just not working” I’d whisper between sobs. And he’d comfort me. Reassure me it’s not me, things are just tough… the excuses were endless.

“Why am I not enough?” I was torturing myself.

We were in the throws of twice weekly couples therapy that I’m paying a shit tonne for.

I’m doing the homework, I’m working on my communication, I’m engaging in the sessions and baring all because I’m committed to making this work.

Him?

“It’s hard for me, you know I don’t like reading. Talking about myself makes me uncomfortable, I lost the homework binders, I hate doing these exercises they’re dumb and they do nothing”.

And then guess who unexpectedly fell pregnant? Me. It was me.

I was thrilled. He was mad.

I don’t think he actually expected this to happen, I mean I know he didn’t because he accused me of cheating on him for it to have happened. I didn’t, by the way.

No matter though, a routine check up revealed this little angel wasn’t proceeding.

I spent my New Year’s Eve in a hospital alone and scared having the news confirmed to me that the child I had longed for hadn’t made it and it was time to proceed with the next steps… and then we went to a pool party so he could ignore me.

“We can’t let our friends down Stacey, they’re expecting us. It might do you some good.”

My mind was elsewhere. I was a shell. On another astral realm while my body just robotically moved on the physical plane.

He? Was on an inflatable unicorn in the pool living his best life.

Splashing and smiling and laughing like nothing was wrong.

Was I wrong? Was I wrong to feel this way? It had only been 10 weeks maybe he’s right and maybe I was just too attached to an idea…

A few days later I proceeded to endure the most traumatic medical procedure of my life. After bleeding uncontrollably for hours at home I attended the emergency department where they completed a bedside extraction without pain relief because all the ORs were contaminated with covid patients.

A 24 year old nurse named Bethany who confessed earlier she was so overwhelmed and wanted to leave the profession held my hand and let me cry into her shoulder while another nurse held my legs apart so the doctor could do what he needed to do.

He stayed home and played Spider-Man to pass the time. Granted it was during covid and it was suggested he wait outside, I didn’t expect him to go home brag about finishing the game.

Y U C K

Then there was the incident at our best friends wedding… l wasn’t myself again yet after losing the baby the month prior but it was our friends wedding and I wanted to be there.

We booked a hotel room on the premises, I wanted to make it special. I put in some EFFORT to look as hot as I could… it didn’t work.

He got trashed and threw up in a garden because he didn’t want to spend time with me. I wanted to sit next to each other and dance on the dance floor and feel the love in the room…

He staggered to the hotel room.

I stayed a little longer because it was our best friends wedding? And I wanted to enjoy it?

I danced with my friends mum.

Hopped in the Photo Booth with some friends, ate some cake and then my social battery ran dry.

Exhausted, it was my turn to stumble back to the hotel room. My swollen feet rubbing in my heels, a little tipsy from the wine and lost because the room numbers didn’t make sense.

I find my way back and he’s passed out on the bed, fully suited, shoes still on and phone in hand.

Silly man. I thought. Had too much fun.

“I’ll get his shoes off for a start.. now I’ll put his phone on charge for him…” it was still unlocked. Messages open. He was sexting our old neighbour again.

I dropped the phone. Stifled my cry.

I sat cross legged in the bottom of the shower and sobbed for hours.

The usual.

I was embarrassed and ashamed.

My friends can never know… at their wedding?!

He’d be dead by morning.

I kept it to myself. I mean I confronted him when he found me in the shower but that one I wanted to keep to myself.

I wish I didn’t.

It wasn’t long after that he went away for work AGAIN. our entire life was him disappearing for weeks to months at a time for work. This time it wasn’t too far away and it was a short trip to Bathurst for a few days but I had a hunch…

Sigh.

This is just a joke now.

Cycle repeats. There’s another woman, there are photos, there are messages and I feel sick except this time there’s an ultimatum. Do it again and this time I’ll burn your life to the ground.

He promises and I do too. He promised he’d do the right thing, I promised I’d set fire to everything we’d built together just to watch the flames cleanse and scorch the earth between us.

He went straight back to love bombing and I’d just checked out at this point, going through the motions of life waiting for the inevitable error.

Because I knew it was coming.

It could take a week, it could be 5 years but I knew it would come…. And boy oh boy did it come.

The wheels well and truly fell off the wagon when he forgot my 30th birthday and said I was dramatic for expecting him to know he had to plan something.

… what.

It’s your significant others birthday… a milestone one… you didn’t have to build me a palace dude I just wanted a fuckin’ card and maybe for you to plan something with the kids.

I was biding my time. I knew our relationship was over.

We were now approaching 10 years of …. This… and there was still no ring on my finger. No love in our house and no children running free.

25 May 2024, the break up date was set in my mind.

I was waiting it out when again… 2 little pink lines came up in August.

I didn’t want to allow myself to be hopeful but I did.

The more time went on the more excited I got and the more distant he became.

“It’s just nerves after what happened last time”

*pterodactyl screech*

NO IT’S NOOOOOTTTTT.

The Second trimester rolls around, we’re starting to tell everyone... I’m jazzed. I feel like my life’s falling into a disjointed step and things are looking relatively good… that deadlines looking really silly now. Maybe I was wrong? I wanted so BADLY to be proven wrong. I had HOPED I was wrong.

The only thing that stopped me from announcing our news to everyone we knew? We were waiting on our harmony test to confirm a gender before I told my parents who I knew would be over the fuckin’ moon.

A 15 week routine check up confirmed our daughter Emery lost her heartbeat sometime that week.

I was devastated.

Gutted.

Drowned in grief.

And I felt so alone.

I felt like I was mourning this loss and a bit more on my own and I couldn’t understand why. I knew my daughter was gone but I couldn’t understand what else I was grieving.

Subconsciously I think I knew.

Like another cruel twist of fate I woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. No waves of rolling pain it was just ow. It’s labour but it’s wrong.

In the middle of the night I drove myself to the hospital and delivered my little girl on my own. The staff were incredible and concerned I was alone.

They dosed me up on morphine and I silently wept for hours.

By the time he arrived to the hospital to “support me” I was ready to go home.

I drove myself home to cry my eyes out and get our kids ready for school and he went to work like it was another normal day.

Weeks go by and I’m lost; spiraling into a deep depression and I can’t anchor myself to anything to slow the decent.

I’m stuck somewhere between sorrow and anger and a weird dissociative state that I can’t shake.

I’m trying to run my household, turn up for work, parent my children, look after myself and be a good friend and an attentive partner but I’m falling short at every turn. Everything I touch becomes sick with melancholy.

Everything I’m trying isn’t working.

And then it hits me. I’m grieving alone.

I am GRIEVING alone.

I am doing it ALL by myself. All the household chores, all the errands, all the things required to maintain a family and a relationship. I’m going to my appointments alone. I’m going through the motions alone. I’m crying alone. I’m awake at night with my heart in pieces alone. I’m reading the books alone, I’m trying to cope alone and I’m trying to love again alone.

Our intimacy disappeared as soon as he knew we were expecting and it just didn’t come back.

He was always so angry at me because I couldn’t get it together and he’s constantly on his phone… I know what this is…. I’ve seen this movie before and I know how it ends.

My heart sank.

Dread seeps in.

The insidious feeling creeps into the back of my mind and I cannot shake it.

So I did the cardinal Cardi B sin.. I went through his phone that night and I found some things I definitely didn’t like.

He was cheating the entire way through our pregnancy, loss and afterwards.

Including the night I delivered.

Who is she? Some girl i met on TikTok. How long has it been going on for? Not long, a few months.

I saw red.

I cut sick.

I went feral.

You don’t need me to tell you why.

I was definitely done this time. The ick was severe.

I screamed in agony. Ugly hot tears spewing from my eyes with pure unbridled rage. How dare you. How very fucking dare you.

I threw what I could get my hands on, clawed at my own skin to try and hold onto the pieces of my soul that were so desperately trying to escape my body… I had descended into madness.

I spat words laced with venom from a place of hurt, building and bubbling over the last 10 years all coming out like an unstoppable crescendo.

My body in a state of shock didn’t know whether to turn my brain off as a response to trauma, have a panic attack or violently grieve through the pain I felt. Somehow, it did all three.

I’m not proud of the woman I was that night… not the nights immediately after.

Grief on grief on grief on grief… I had already lost so much it had just compounded into this hideous snowball.

My best friend, my child and now my love.. what could possibly be next?

Things became extremely uncomfortable when I confirmed to him I was definitely done this time. I couldn’t look at him and feel comfort and I couldn’t find solace in his eyes anymore. All I felt was a burning hot rage and bitter, BITTER betrayal and I wanted to rip down the walls of the house we built together.

He kept telling me we could make it work that it was a mistake and he was regretful and he was committed to change this time around.

Too late bro.

The little part of me that still loved you died the second I read you had called HER the day I delivered a corpse but you couldn’t call me to check on me?

Vile.

I had always thought that I wasn’t a prize, that I wasn’t worth shit and that nobody would love me and I should be grateful for the small bits of love and the bare minimum I got.

I thought that the love and affection I had so desperately tried to cultivate just wasn’t real and only existed to serve as a plot device in fairytales.

I thought that if I left him my life would be over and the walls would collapse in. That I couldn’t live without him in my life… like I didn’t know how. I wasn’t ready to let go or maybe I didn’t want too.

Our shared trauma bonds didn’t allow me to see what a life without toxicity could be.

It was awful and tumultuous but it was familiar and it was safe.

I was terrified of starting over and petrified of being alone.

That I would somehow be judged for not being able to make this work and that somehow it would be me to blame that I couldn’t keep his eyes from wandering. That my daughters would somehow hate me for taking away their father figure.

Stupid, I know.

That night was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. As soon as I verbalised to myself and to him that whatever this was was… whatever the last decade was… was done it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the dark rain cloud drowning me had dissipated.

I began to feel free.

The person I thought I lost slowly began creeping back in… I felt more and more like myself everyday.

We made the decision to run the lease out and still live together for the time being. It was only a few months. It was achievable… right?

I hated the animosity I still felt but I loved the person I was rebecoming. I thought I could do it.

I am an idiot and I was wrong.

I hadn’t told anyone about what was happening except my 6 closest friends who have supported me through this like absolute legends. If you were anywhere near my socials you would have guessed something was up but I didn’t really elaborate to anyone outside the 6.

I was happy and coping as best I could. But I wasn’t immune. Crying fits, bouts of anger and just real mean shit wasn’t uncommon… it was quickly becoming apparent this was terrible for my mental health and couldn’t be sustainable.

I can’t live with looking at the face of my trauma and he can’t live with me wanting to rip his throat out of his body any time I see an exposed neck.

Something has to give.

Flash forwards to New Year’s Eve. Some time had passed and a very nice man who had been checking in on me as a friend messaged me nicely on Instagram to wish me a happy new year and said that they were grateful to know me and was excited for us to be excellent friends in 2024.

I echoed the sentiment.

He then replied to a photo I had posted to my story to say I looked very good and that the picture itself was Lock Screen worthy.

A little cheeky, a little flirty… but I liked it.

But just like anything in this story, it’s not quite that simple because even though he was a third party with limited knowledge of the state of my personal affairs except for the fact I was vaguely single and based of that information decided to compliment a girl on the internet… he unknowingly and unwittingly set off an uncomfortable chain reaction resulting in me learning exactly who my ex lover really was and what they were actually capable of… and this poor man was unfairly caught in the crossfires of someone else’s mistakes.

And that’s something I’ll be regretful for, for the rest of my life.

Unbeknownst to me, while I was reading the nice message of appreciation for my friendship and a cheeky compliment that had my self confidence on the rise so too, was my ex partner.

Reading over my shoulder in a veiled attempt to pry into my personal life.

He was big mad.

Mad someone had the audacity to be kind to me. Mad someone had the gumption to think I was pretty. Mad someone had the gaul to tell me so. Mad someone had the hide to appreciate my friendship and what I could offer.

He was MAD mad.

I promise you, if you saw a screen shot from this extremely tame and respectful interaction you’d sit there and think … “is that it?”

No grand display of love or devotion, no vulgar sexting, no big feelings and nothing even remotely derogatory towards my ex partner. Just two pals saying “happy new year and hey, you look cute tonight by the way”.

Until that very moment when he dropped a cheeky flirt it had only ever been platonic between us…Except for the night we met 2 years ago but that’s a story for another time haha.

So why… why was this man reacting like I’d tipped his mother’s ashes down the sink? Like he was somehow still entitled to me and the love I want to give and receive?

He stormed out of the room and disappeared for hours to sulk… I was confused. We weren’t together, it’s not my place to pry into his personal life and whatever’s got him upset… I guess I’ll let him go…

until I get a message from the nice man that read something like:

“Hey, uh I don’t want to start shit but I’m a little concerned… who is this guy and why is he liking my photos from years ago?”

… what.

The screenshots came in.

They didn’t know each other. I was their only mutual friend. I hadn’t mentioned this man by name. He doesn’t go by his legal name on the internet let alone his Instagram handle… How did he know who he was?

“I’m so sorry I’ll handle it”.

We duke it out. Not my best choice to do it infront of a giant glass window.

Our new years guests couldn’t hear what was happening but they sure could see…

I was in protective mode for a man I barely knew but why should this man be a victim of intensive cyber stalking for complimenting me? Why should his privacy be invaded like that because my ex couldn’t get his shit together and fumbled the bag?

None of that is this nice man’s fault.

Besides, WE WEREN’T EVEN TOGETHER. WHY DID IT MATTER SOMEONE ELSE WAS NICE TO ME.

More venom fell out.

“There’s been a line behind you waiting for an opportunity this entire time, you only held your place at the front because I left that place open for you”

Not my best work, but definitely a pivotal moment for my own self confidence because… there WAS a line. I AM desirable. I AM wanted. I CAN be loved and I don’t need to torture myself by staying with someone who can’t offer basic respect let alone something more.

I’ve got goals. I’ve got places I wanna be. I have achievements I wanna tick off and I don’t want to be held back anymore by an emotionally deficient fuck boy.

And I realised I can live my best life with my good Judy’s by my side, my girls by my side and my family by my side.

I mean it would be nice right to have someone love you and see you and love your kids unconditionally and have the same shared interests or goals… but I’m the master of my own destiny and fuck anyone that gets in the way of that.

Anyway, he flipped it.

So much so he did the unthinkable.

Now I understand being upset. I understand acting on impulse and I understand hitting someone where it hurts when they’ve wronged you if it’s deserved.

WHEN it’s deserved.

Over 10 years of knowing someone you come to learn quite a bit about them and what really gets them excited and in turn what really upsets them.

He absorbed my secrets, my fears and my insecurities just to weaponise them against me.

Cheating on me is one thing.

Lying to me is another.

Taking one of the worst parts of my life and making me relive it for your own entertainment and manipulation? NEW LEVEL OF FUCKERY UNLOCKED.

Over the next few days I started to receive some pretty nasty anonymous messages… some I posted to my story some I didn’t.

Most were targeted at me and my appearance, some were targeted at the man that was messaging me to spread rumour, some at my kids and some were targeted at my ex partner.

I’ve been the victim of a hate campaign before so these messages were admittedly quite triggering. They preyed on the most insidious thoughts that live in the back of my mind.

Who was this person? Why would they say these things to me? The only people sending me these messages are people I already know and I can’t imagine these people saying such awful things…

My mental health took a slight sidestep and I went full undercover operative.

I set up my own little investigation. No one was more surprised when it lead me to him.

No.. I must be wrong it couldn’t be…

Until it was with out a doubt confirmed when he stupidly dropped the nice man’s legal name in an anonymous message.

There were only 4 people who knew we were talking to each other let alone his name and I definitely didn’t send the message… neither did the nice man… my best friend certainly wouldn’t have done it so it left only one option.

I paid for premium access to the NGL app. Got the clues I needed about the sender of the messages and confronted him.

He lied.

He always does.

Even when confronted with the truth.

Tried to gaslight his way out of it. Again. But it wouldn’t work this time.

The proof was right in front of us. I had the very compelling evidence. It couldn’t be disputed.

After trying to lie for a 4th time he confessed it was true and he did send some of those nasty ass messages in an attempt to manipulate my self confidence, sow the seeds of deceit between the nice man and I so I wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore and to make me feel sorry for him for all the hate he was getting online.

Again, like a bull charging at a waving flag I saw RED.

“You have a month. Get out of my house. Never speak to me again.”

This was a new low. A real ugly point. I had never cheated on him. I’d never betrayed his trust. I’d never been intentionally mean like this.

Why…

W H Y .

I immediately unfriended him off what I could. What I couldn’t, I blocked.

We weren’t friends. We never truly were. Friends don’t hurt each other like that. Friends don’t do shit like that. That’s enemy behaviour.

Only someone who despises you would do those things, any of those things let alone all of those things over a prolonged period of time.

I didn’t think this could get any worse and yet there I was… publicly bullied by my ex on the internet for his own enjoyment.

It’s time. It’s time to tell everyone. My parents… my siblings… our wider network of friends… my girls.

My girls….

Sitting the girls down was tough… an activity I never want to do again.

A conversation I thought we would have with them together to tell them we couldn’t make it work and their stepdad would be leaving - the last little honourable thing he could do… apologise to them… be honest with them… love them… and let them go gently ended up with me in tears telling them on my own that everything had fallen apart and mum was sorry.

My best friend holding one daughter while I held the other. And we all cried.

My best friend was the one helping me to explain everything to our daughters and work through the complex emotions we were all feeling. Drying tears, answering questions and reminding them this isn’t their fault…

They were devastated. My eldest fumed and my youngest sobbed in pain… their first real heartbreaks.

I’m grateful for her everyday. I’m grateful for her kindness, her love and her support but this wasn’t heartbreak she had to endure. This wasn’t her responsibility to step in… it was his.

He aimlessly folded the same piece of washing and watched the conversation unfold.

He didn’t say a word.

If I had felt guilty before asking him to leave, putting my girls first or leaning into the nice man’s advances I definitely didn’t now.

… And I still don’t.

“2nd of Feb dude, you gotta be outta here. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have anywhere else I won’t put us all through this anymore you need to make your arrangements and your exit from stage left”

I’m in my healing era. My lover girl era. My ‘be a better friend’ era. My ‘be an excellent mum’ era. My stand up for myself era. My evolution era.

And I will not lie, romance has indeed found me along the way.

And I’m so okay with that.

It’s unconventional. It’s different. It’s kind and respectful. It’s considerate and tender. It’s FUN. it’s goofy and it’s pure…

I’m pretty sure it feels like it’s supposed to.

It’s not a fight to the death every day. It’s not a struggle. It’s not nights crying myself to sleep wondering where I went wrong (it was most nights that we were together… I won’t lie). It’s not toxic fights that have me worried about what’s going to be broken this time.

I don’t need to wonder if this man actually likes me, he makes sure I know.

It’s honest and supportive and REAL…

and it’s a steep learning curve.

I have a lot of unlearning to do and behaviours to quash to be a better version of myself… not just for myself but for everyone in my orbit but for the first time in a long time I’m excited for what happens next.

The next few months will be hard financially, emotionally and physically.

But I have a kick ass gang of friends, 2 amazing daughters who under the circumstances are thriving, a fantastic therapist (shout out gabz the big dawg) and someone I can invest all my extra love into and is more than happy to send it right back.

I’m going for surgery in a week, I have a plan in place to correct my health and I’m pushing myself to be the best possible version of myself not just for me or for them… but for you too, dear reader.

Given so much of my life was shared openly and then used against me to hurt me by people I trusted and loved I can’t say for certain this level of openness will remain.

Some aspects of my life will be kept just for me, my girls lives will still stay off the internet until they’re ready (occasional happy snaps and tidbits will still flow freely don’t worry about that), I’ll still share the cool shit I’m up to with work, the dumb shit my friends and I get amongst and life events with my new significant other will be shared when and if I find one.

But only if and when I want too.

And I won’t use social media to cover up my extreme unhappiness.

Not everything you see on the internet is real and I too have played a part in that.

Relationships are complex, no one has the perfect one and keeping up appearances only gives you more heartache than what it’s worth.

So if there’s any wisdom I can impart on you it’s this:

💜 You are more than your relationships.

💜 Fuck the haters, they’re gonna chat shit anyway you might as well give them something to talk about.

💜 You are precious and deserve to be protected and loved and to be happy.

💜 don’t settle because you’re expected to.

💜 You can cut parts of yourself down but no matter how far you trim you’ll never fit into the box you think you should be in.

If you don’t fit, get a bigger box.

💜 Nothing on the internet is real.

💜 Sometimes letting go is necessary to heal.

💜 Love will find you in the most unexpected of ways and in the most unexpected places.

💜 Listen to your friend that gets the weird vibes, they’re usually right.

💜 The NSW healthcare system both sucks and is excellent at the same time.

💜 Do what you want, it’s not too late to start over. You’re gonna die eventually… live the life you want.

💜 Live in the now and the future. The past is a place we can visit but you cannot live there.

💜 Just because you’re happy sometimes it doesn’t outweigh the heartache all the time.

💜 Don’t sacrifice yourself. For anyone.

💜 People will understand eventually.

💜 Just because you can do everything on your own doesn’t mean you have too

💜 You shouldn’t suffer in silence or alone.

💜 HABITUAL CHEATERS WON’T CHANGE

And thus ends a 10 year tale of a strong AF girlie who is owning a new, better phase of HER life.

She rescued herself from the damn tower, set her daughters free, reacquainted herself with her besties and picked up a cutie on the way out to get Starbucks.

I’m writing new pages in a book I thought I’d finished and I’m excited to see the life that’s out there waiting for me. I’m excited to reacquaint myself with myself again. I’m excited for new experiences, better relationships with everyone around me and not having to wear shoes inside to avoid the broken egg shells and bits of ego on the floor.

And him? Feeling sorry for himself I guess. Or not. I’m not sure and I don’t think I care to find out.

Maybe he’s realised what he’s lost, maybe he’s awake in the middle of the night languishing in pain, maybe he’s grieving or maybe he’s just fine and couldn’t care less.

Either way, my thoughts don’t live there anymore, they live with me.

“You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same cursing my name, wishing I stayed… You turned into your worst fears…

And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain and crossing out the good years… and you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed… Look at how my tears ricochet” - Taylor Swift

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lady-of-the-spirit · 1 year

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Yeah seriously finding people who hate Dean is soo fun!!!

Yes like fr the narrative just sides with him and that possession plot line was fucked up. Especially since Dean does know Sam’s problems with angels and the whole consent thing. And he knows that Sam has trauma. Like when you think about it like that it’s even more fucked up. And god I hated that they made Sam forgive him! Especially since Sam just set boundaries with Dean and his relationship. And then suddenly we’re supposed to actually give a thought about dean’s pain as if he wasn’t the one who caused Sam’s pain. Like come on!!! Why would they do that?!?

Oh my god it is the worst how those fans just reduce Sam to the uncle. As if Sam wasn’t the only one who actually saw goodness in jack. Who knew not to hate on a literal child cuz of who his father is. And it makes it worse that they reduce it cuz Sam was the victim of jack’s father Lucifer. And yet sam still decided to parent jack and see kindness in him. Also it’s so ironic how that one scene that they talk about when jack was born: is a scene where Dean is giving alcohol to a person that was on earth for like 2 days. Like I seriously don’t care that jack looks older, dude was only on earth for 2 days and was introduced to alcohol.

Exactly like legit so many people hate John for abusing his kids but when Dean does it apparently it’s okay???? Also the worst thing is how so many people just reduce Dean to being the ‘dad’ figure to all kids when he legit hurts all the kids/teenagers he comes in contact with. But then Sam parents them and actually understands things from their pov, and apparently he isn’t a good enough person to call a ‘dad’. Like gah it just bothers me sooo much!!

Ohh that’s good that you enjoyed it and yeah I totally get the binging/watching just petered out. Like especially with this long of a show with 15 seasons and with so many episodes too. Like it isn’t an easy watch at all. I’m honestly not a big binger with shows either so I totally get it. Also yeah makes sense that you absorbed and looked up stuff. That must have been an experience on its own lol. Also it might be good that you just heard it cuz if you already hate Dean just from hearing about his actions, oh boy would you be pissed seeing it on screen.

NO IT REALLY IS THE BEST AND TBH GETTING THAT ASK AND SEEING YOU ALSO HATE HIM WAS AMAZING

Like even if he didn't know Sam's issues with consent and possession it's fucked up that he would trick Sam like that, but he DOES know and he does it anyway and he's like "I'd do it again because it saved you and you would do the same thing!!" trying to act like what he did wasn't a terrible thing to do regardless of his reasons. And then Sam says "No I wouldn't" because Sam knows what that feels like, to be possessed, to lose moments of your life and not know why, to lose control of your body, and he wouldn't put someone through that. But Dean misinterprets this as "oh you don't love me" doesn't he? ugh.

Sam was putting his whole effort into raising that kid and treating him right even though, frankly, he would have the right to react poorly to anyone related to Lucifer being in his home, but no! He does the opposite of what Dean does and treats that kid like a kid and give him a decent chance! And yet he's labelled as the Uncle simply because "Jack is Cas's kid and Dean is his husband so-" no! fuck off! I literally have a whole tag that's "sam is the only winchester i wholeheartedly trust with a child" because it's true.

I struggle with watching shows that are only 20-30 minutes long, I could not handle watching 15 (?) seasons of a show with 20 episodes 40-50 minutes long. skip all that nonsense, read the wiki and see snippets on tumblr instead.

#ask #anti dean winchester #bejeweledharrington

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theoremproved · 1 year

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My 2022 AO3 in Review

(List of questions taken from @sarriane)

Total number of completed stories: 17. 15, if working on/planning sequels means a story isn’t completed.

Total word count: About 175k words (since I don’t remember where did the 2021/2022 cut-off occur in TCFM)

Fandoms: Doctor Who and Doctor Who alone. I really do put the O in OTP.

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?: More fics but less fic, if that makes sense: I expected to do another longfic in the autumn, but wrote a lot of one-shots instead.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?: Curator/Shalka!Master. A surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one…

What's your favorite story of the year?: Time Calling For Me. It was such a relief to finish it and publish it after a year of work!

Did you take any writing risks this year?: Well, does simply publishing my writings count? I haven’t really participated in fandom as an active writer before, mostly lurking in read-only.

Do you have any fanfic goals for the New Year?: Finish my main WIP at the moment. Write at least one more longfic from those I have planned. Fill the prompt from the D/M Anon Kink Meme that concerns the enthusiastic sexualisation of Crispy!Master. Begin the sequel to Time Calling For Me.

My best story of the year:... This is an unbearable choice to make. I’ll go with Time Calling For Me once more. It was a lot of effort that ended up very much worth it.

My most popular story of the year: Time Calling For Me. A bit of an unfair competition, given that it’s a longfic against a lot of one-shots, but still, it is (and deservedly so!)

Story that was most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: None, I state with pride. The universe had already appreciated me far, far more than I have expected it to when I published my first fic.

Most fun to write: There isn’t a story that wouldn’t be fun to write (or I just wouldn’t have written it), but I’m going to go with Time Calling For Me yet again. Spicing the Key to Time up with the Master is fun.

Single sexiest (or cutest) moment: Prove Piercing Earnest (in its entrety) for sexiest, the epilogue of Time Calling For Me for cutest.

Hardest to write: my current main WIP, which I expected to finish in 3 weeks but only got a half of it in 3 months. I feel like I’ve never done as many rewrites on a fic as I have with this one. (Still, I know it will be worth it. It has to be.)

Biggest disappointment: Devoting less time to writing in the first few months in the year than I would want to.

Biggest surprise: The experience of posting fics and seeing that someone out there actually appreciates and loves them. That’s it.

Favorite lines:

“Your scarf,” the Master croaked in that unique tone of a man who can’t believe a single word he’s hearing, “can bring me back to life.”

The Doctor nodded and reached for another spoonful of peppermint ice cream.

“I think you are a fool, Doctor,” [the Master] said. “It’s a new development. Your third self was much more sensible. But you… you completely lack the instinct of self-preservation and the ability to stop. And for that, I am going to take advantage of both these qualities and give you just what you deserve.”

Death, death incarnate. Face so twisted it was hardly still a face, skin like parchment and fingers like claws, pain in every cell of this body, warped before it could fully come to life – death taking life into its arms, dragging it along with itself. Only [the Master’s] eyes stayed the same: danger, burning even through this husk of a shell. Truly the mirrors of the soul.

But that night, the Doctor, the Master and all three thirds of the universe rested well.

2022 was fun! here’s to more writing in 2023...

#theorem writes #my 2022 year in review

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dvcte · 1 year

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Hey Everyone, Here’s a brief list why I think it would have been so very fun if Preston had died in GG6?

By fun I mean ouchie but this has always been one of my favourite AUs.

It’s been awhile since I read book 6, so these are just some quick thoughts

Firstly: Why kill Preston in book 6? And that's because he did in earlier edits of the book. Like all the “Who won’t make it to Graduation” promo back in the day, that was Preston dying. Ally took it out sometime before the final draft obviously but I think it was pretty late and she implied it was a messy death.

I don’t think most of this matters when Preston dies, but the most obvious place is when escaping the prison, where instead of Bex taking a bullet and being alright, Preston takes a bullet and isn’t alright. And so for clarity, this list assumes he dies then

Macey - A nice and obvious one but with lots of layers. Macey has known Preston for years, he pre-dates her spy lifestyle, but he keeps getting drawn into this life, it doesn’t suit him and it’s dangerous. The other girls at Gallagher ‘see’ Macey, as one of their own, a sister. Bex/Liz see her as a best friend, someone to trust. Cam sees Macey as someone struggling with a legacy and her own expectations. But Preston sees Macey as who she really is; Not what she can’t do, Not what she can do, Not what she looks like, Not who she wants to be, Not who she expects to be, Not who she wishes to be but who she really is And one of Macey’s main motivation in books 5 and 6 is keeping Preston safe. She’s trusting these girls, trusting these adults and trusting all this training to be able to do this.

Cammie - Our main girl Cammie probably knows her runaway summer would have been so much worse if she hadn’t found Preston. He saw her kick a few adult men and recognised what he saw changing and growing in Macey, she already had. She doesn’t remember him saving her, he won’t remember saving him because she didn’t, he died. Cammie also see’s both father and son die, couldn’t save either. But at least Preston doesn’t have to experience the pain of losing a parent (she knows how that feels)

Failure & it’s consequences - honestly the main point here The girls have had missions go wrong before but its always been recoverable. In fact, let’s take an aside and remember the first time we see them fail in LYKY - the bottle/josh meet lesson, at the end of that Joe gives a very clear warning, if shit goes wrong, people can die. Now isn’t that fun. You can’t work out another plan once someone's dead. This is a real life changing impact and consequence of them messing up. The rescue mission was unsanctioned by the adults (as this is a quick list, we’re not touching implications for them) so its on the girls. They didn’t ask for help to get him out of Italy and it got him in prison, they didn’t ask for help getting him out and he’s dead, they risked their own lives for nothing, nothing else came out of that mission it was just rescue Preston. It’s also going to kill moral, a massive failure right as we climb into the climax. And there is the unknown, they changed fate, if he’d stayed in the prison the circle may have never have come for him, he might have been fine. But they chose to try and rescue him, and sealed his future, into a coffin.

The Circle & Preston as earnestness Its very likely, if Preston died, he would died before ever fulling clearing his name, people would have never known if he had a connection to the circle. And I think that's important, because Preston is such a good character. In political situations we see him follow the flow in dances, but he is kind to the old lady votes with an extra layer of sincerity that most wouldn’t expect from him. He worries about Charlie and Cammie and Macey because he sees and cares for people. He is such a sincere, kind, open hearted person, who would die with a stain on his name he did not deserve.

... trust me those are quick thoughts

#Also sorry I'm not very good at writing down my thoughts #like i dont even know if this makes sense #prestons death would have been deliciously angsty #however i totally understand why it was cut its a massive tone changer #gallagher girls #ally carter #united we spy #cammie morgan #preston winters #macey mchenry #gallagher girls AU

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dimorphodon-x · 2 years

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I hope I'm not too late to join the OC reaction game. >///< But since I used my main OC, Swiftwire, the last time, I felt it was time to introduce her son. I've been meaning to flesh him out more, so this will really help me out! Also, you kinda inspired his creation, so I hope you'll consider this my thanks for you unintentionally helping me out. ^w^ So, for either Solclave (my comfort character, btw ¬3¬') or Starhawk, or both if you feel like it... How would they feel meeting Swiftwire's and Knockout's adopted son, Conduit?

He's a very short, very young, and very energetic yellow and black Cybertronian Seeker who's highly optimistic, playful, overly eager to help, loves to learn about medicine in order to become a doctor when he's older, and generally a very polite and kind early-teenaged mech... and he will call Hawk or Solclave "Uncle" or "Mister" and he will try to befriend them and ramble on about his newest discovery (and possibly ask innocent but awkward questions about stuff he doesn't understand), or immediately help them if he stumbles upon them at their first meeting... despite the countless "stranger danger" lessons he's received from his overprotective parents.

Conduit does have a rather sad past, though, which involves his early childhood memories consisting entirely of his days as an experiment to a cruel scientist, the result of which being his namesake... the four rods on a panel embedded in his back between his wings, crafted into his body to allow him to control sky-based elements (mainly lightning, heat and ice), but using them will sometimes drain him to the brink of exhaustion or cause severe pain in his arms and back if he overuses his ability. When he escaped, he lived for so long out in the barren wastelands of Cybertron that he became a feral child, fighting only with his fangs and self-inflicting ability for fuel and territory for the remainder of his life, until Swift found him and helped him regain his true self in safety and shelter, bringing with it his desire to help others.

In short, Conduit is a precious boi and he will talk your ear off, but despite his dark past and ALL the trauma in his tiny body, he is still friend shaped and loves to help.

I'm really sorry about how long this became, but take your time answering this! I love your work, and I hope you have a good timezone!! ^3^

Solclave-

Sol is patient but (unlike his birdformers counterpart) he is awkward with kids. Apart from them being a pretty rare sight for him, he isn’t entirely sure how to handle them aside from gently, so he’s not much of a playmate. He’s also not sure how to feel about nicknames either, but doesn’t voice it.

He bluntly and simply answers questions and listens to Conduit talk without any problem. Listening is easier for him anyway.

He’d get a little extra protective if he learned his history tho.

“That’s a question you should ask your parents…”

Starhawk-

Starhawk would get along much better than Sol tbh. He has the energy to play games and all that fun stuff. He’d be cool with the ‘uncle’ nickname but less so with ‘mister’. Makes him feel old lol.

While listening to Conduit talk about stuff, he’d try to be more engaged as he listens, and while he can’t answer many questions, he’d try his best.

Conduit’s past would be pretty upsetting for him to learn about. He’s just a kid and already went through some awful stuff. That’s just not right…

“He’s still a kid and already he went through all that?”

#^v^#ezra iolite #conduit #ask game #solclave #starhawk

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plegdoctor · 2 years

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Have you got any spooky stories? What's the creepiest thing that's ever happened while you were alone? ever been to a haunted house? Met/talked to ghosts? Anything interesting happen while you were on a graveyard by any chance?

Oooh okay I have a few so apologies if this turns a little long

I have had an experience with what I believe was a ghost (side note because I might have already told this story on here lol). So I went on a ghost walk around my local museum with my dad and sister, and it was all normal, a little creepy, but nothing major. And then they took us behind into the staffs bit and onto these stairs. As soon as I got halfway down I started feeling weird. Stomach cramps, nausea, back pain. Then the woman started the story. A young servant was impregnated by a man. She never lived to give birth, as she was found dead at the bottom of these stairs. People think he pushed her to try get rid of the baby. She said that afab people tend to feel pregnancy symptoms while standing on the stairs. And that’s my ghostly experience. I would’ve loved to talk to her, but it was just a walk, not like a ghost hunt or anything, so I unfortunately didn’t get the chance

I go on quite a fair few ghost walks, so when I was in Whitby I went on another (again with my dad and sister). The guy who did it was an amazing story teller, and he told me my favourite ever ghost story: Goosey. Goosey was a man who liked to go into pubs and take dares. One day, there’s a goose dead in the village, I can’t remember how it died but I have a feeling it was poisoned or radiation or something. So they all dare Goosey to eat the goose and he’s like yeah go on then. Mans eats every single part. Every bit of that goose is consumed by Goosey. Next day, he dies. Shocker. And legend has it, if you look out on Whitby bay on a cold night, you may see a glowing green goose.

The weirdest graveyard thing was when I was standing in a graveyard (at night, like someone who’s just begging to get haunted (I am)) and I swear I felt something on my shoulder. Although even I don’t believe myself about this one

My sister once got really spooked by some wind chimes when we were walking through a graveyard lmao, I make fun of her for it, it’s my duty as the younger sister.

This isn’t a ghost story but I think it’s worth saying here. When I was in Whitby we stayed right at the bottom of the steps. I climbed them almost every day, just to sit in the graveyard and stare out at the sea, sometimes I wrote or read but mainly I just enjoyed the peace and how holy I felt. I love graveyards because they commemorate the dead. I always try to find someone and remember them, just so someone does. There was a grave of a woman, right near the stairs, and it was such an old and weathered grave. I wrote about her when I wrote a letter to my best friend - wondering about her life, who she was, what she was liked. Don’t you think it’s weird how people have always been people? That woman had a favourite food and a favourite song, and she danced with her friends and she stroked cats she saw on the street. Anyway, I failed, because now I have forgotten her name. I just have a date: Dec 19th 1854. When I go back to Whitby (I hope to end up there in life) then I’m going to find her. I’m going to discover who she was.

#got a bit meloncholy at the end there #I’ve literally never forgiven myself for not noting her name down for myself #anyway #i defo have a few more ghost stories from the Whitby ghost walk but instead I’ll encourage you all to go to Whitby and experience it #spooky glitterasks

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ninasbookshelf · 9 months

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mid-year book freakout 2023

Hi all! I’ve seen a few different versions of mid-year book freakouts and mid-year reading wrap-ups going around social media. I decided to combine a few of them and share my responses. I’d love to hear in the replies whether we share any of the same opinions (or have totally different ones). How's your reading going so far?

Amount of books you’ve read so far: 38

Best book you’ve read so far in 2023: Just Kids by Patti Smith. I finished Just Kids a few weeks ago, so I’m sure part of the reason I’m choosing it is because it’s fresh in my mind, but I really loved Patti Smith’s sincerity and storytelling. I also respect the way she raises up the people around her and honors them through her writing. She has so many stories to tell and she tells them beautifully!

Best sequel you’ve read so far in 2023: Mysteries of Thorn Manor by Margaret Rogerson (the sequel novella to Sorcery of Thorns). I totally expected this novella to be simple fluff (and I was a-ok with that). I love slice-of-life moments, but as it turns out, there is even more to this sequel than I expected. Underneath the fun and games, there is a darker, poignant story that really stuck with me. It’s one of love, consequences, and the painful shackles of time. Months have gone by since I read Mysteries of Thorn Manor, and I still feel my heart ache every time I think about certain characters. It’s a beautifully orchestrated sequel.

New release you haven’t read yet but want to: Bloodmarked by Tracy Deonn. This isn’t super new, but I had preordered it after reading Legendborn last year and I still haven’t gotten around to reading the sequel. Legendborn was engaging and intricate, and I’m sure Bloodmarked will be as well.

Most anticipated release for the second half of the year: Two Twisted Crowns by Rachel Gillig, the sequel to One Dark Window. I was introduced to One Dark Window through Fairyloot and I absolutely loved it. I’m really hoping this sequel lives up to my expectations. I was a big fan of Rachel Gillig’s writing style and plot setup and I’m excited to read more of her work.

Biggest disappointment: I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee. This book didn’t quite hit the way I wanted it to. It was on so many book recommendation lists, and of course has such an enticing title that I had to read it. I ended up DNF’ing because a lot of the book felt oversimplified and almost obvious to me. Maybe it’s because I already have experience with the topic of mental health, but it just couldn’t capture my attention.

Biggest surprise: Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir. I don’t read much sci-if so I was hesitant going into this one! My boyfriend recommended it to me and I wasn’t sure I’d like it, but it ended up being one of the best books I’ve read in a long time.

Favorite new author (debut or new to you): Patti Smith! (Just new to me of course.)

Newest fictional crush/favorite character: I’m combining these two because I don’t think I have any new fictional crushes this year, but I definitely have a new favorite character in Silas from Sorcery of Thorns and Mysteries of Thorn Manor. Silas gives an impression of aloofness but is droll and secretly affectionate towards the other main characters. In other words, he has the personality of a cat and it’s very endearing.

Book that made you cry: Miss Memory Lane by Colton Haynes…

Book that made you happy: Miss Memory Lane by Colton Haynes. This one had been on my list for awhile, but I didn’t know just how fully it would enthrall me, or how quickly I would devour it. It was such a striking memoir, and even though it was heartbreaking, there was a hopeful spin to the ending that made me happy, too.

What I want to read by the end of year: I want to read the rest of Ruth Ozeki’s work! A Tale for the Time Being is one of my favorites, and I loved The Book of Form and Emptiness as well. I’m making it my goal to read the rest of her work by the end of the year.

Additionally, I’d also love to read more Patti Smith. I really adored her writing in Just Kids.

That's all! If you want to post your own mid-year book freakout I’ll share the blank questions in a separate post so that you can easily copy and paste them. Thanks for reading!

#booklr #mid year book tag #books and literature #reading wrap up

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biggest-gaudiest-patronuses · 3 years

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So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

#actuallyautistic #not a shitpost #holy shit how did i spend 3 hours writing this what even is my blog #this blog is supposed to be blue whale anxiety and uncomfortably sexy clown jokes #what am i doing #sensory processing disorder #sensory issues #mental health #actually autistic #NOTIFY ME OF ANY TYPOS #i proofread this 5 times my eyes weep an unceasing flood of blood and regret #adhd #actuallyadhd #autism #sensory problems

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jennagrinsoverml · 3 years

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do u have any really good fic recs for mlb enemies to lovers

Do I ever! Some of these have already been recced in my AU rec list, but since this isn't part of my "undiscovered gems" series, I'm going to let myself rec all of the popular enemies to lovers fic I've been enjoying too 😊

A Series of Meets: Reach by @damagectrlwrites

Paris is safe, except from the rivalry of its two superhero guardians: Ladybug and Chat Noir. Since they were teenagers, the two have raced around Paris, trying to out do-good each other.

After Chat Noir saves a bus of people from falling into the Seine before Ladybug can even get there, Adrien is in high spirits. He helps a young woman reach some chips high on a shelf, kicking off a friendly conversation that ends with a coffee date.

It’s a terrible day for Marinette. First she had a hectic day at work, then Chat Noir gets all the praise for saving a bus of people, and then she nearly topples over trying to reach some chips. At the very least, a nice guy helps her and asks her to coffee. Surely, things will get better, right?

Ladynoir Enemies AU. Never met AU. This one is absolutely amazing and hilarious and YOU NEED TO READ IT!! Ladybug and Chat Noir are superhero rivals, always trying to outdo each other, and being annoyed at the other. Marinette and Adrien get a meet-cute and fall in love. The juxtaposition is perfect and ridiculous and THAT IDENTITY REVEAL OMG.

Dearly despised, (I love you) by @snacc-noir

Marinette could go on about why she hated Adrien Agreste—to his pranking tendencies to ineffable attractiveness—ever since he had the audacity that day with the umbrella.

And yet, here she was fake-dating him while in love with a superhero.

Adrienette Enemies AU. Warning: This is a WIP! But it's so much fun. Basically Adrien and Marinette never sorted out the misunderstanding with the gum and instead just dug themselves deeper and deeper in hate with their miscommunications. Meanwhile ladynoir are totally in love with each other. Add in a whole bunch of sexual tension and seeing just where the author teases out these missed chances and it's beautiful.

Curiosity and Satisfaction by @imthepunchlord

When Adrien agreed to this line of work, he thought all his focus would be on the job of catching the elusive Lady Luck. It never crossed his mind that someone else would catch his attention.

Ladynoir Enemies AU. Although this is a ladynoir enemies AU, this dynamic change bleeds into all of the different sides of the love square and it's so different and interesting! I loved how the changes made actually affected other aspects. The story feels very real and believable.

like poles of a magnet by @rosekasa

ladybug spat her blood at chat noir. invincibility was only granted to the ladybug and black cat that worked together. not even the miraculous cure could heal them, otherwise.

(or, five times they didn’t hate each other, and one time it was love).

Ladynoir Enemies AU. The enemies dynamic here is AMAZING!! Adrien is so in character even when he’s a “bad guy”, and the backstory of how he ended up working with Hawkmoth is perfect. (Also, how is Gabriel even worse??) I love the way the identities are played with, and especially the repercussions of Chat working for Hawkmoth on what Adrien is allowed to do.

Unstuck by @ominousunflower

Chat Noir, notorious supervillain of Paris, experiences a wardrobe malfunction in the best and worst possible place: Marinette Dupain-Cheng’s balcony.

Heart pounding, Chat pins Marinette’s wrists to the balcony. She stares up at him, her blue eyes kaleidoscopic from the lights hanging overhead, her features twisted into a scowl.

“Why are you trying to take my Miraculous?” Chat hisses.

“Because—you—I—” Marinette splutters, her eyes dipping down below Chat’s face. “Why is your suit unzipped?”

“I—well…” Chat sighs. “My zipper got stuck.”

Ladynoir Enemies AU featuring Marichat. I'm an absolute sucker for villain!Chat who just needs someone who's willing to care for and believe in him. And, even as a villain, he's still so recognizably Adrien here. My hearttttt!

out of the woods. by @anxiouscupcake

“I- I have a… Someone I care about very much,” Adrien admitted. “I’m only doing this because my father gave me no choice.” “Well,” she said, lips pursed. “I don’t have it in me to fight The Gabriel Agreste, right now. My hands are tied too.” “I’m sorry.”

To his credit, he genuinely sounded a little remorseful. She even resented him a little for it, because she had so much more to lose than he did, but he just wanted to stay in Daddy’s good books.

She grimaced. Marriage, for one year, they agreed. And a painful few months of “courtship” to convince the press of the authenticity of their “marriage”.

In eighteen months, her father would be hale and hearty, and she’d divorce Adrien Agreste and be nothing more than his business partner.

(...In which Gabriel is an asshole, Adrien is trying and Marinette's stubborn but gives in eventually.)

This is a 2-part series that isn’t finished and that I desperately hope is continued. It’s not EXACTLY enemies AU per se, but it hits the same sweet spot. Ladynoir are in love, but can’t be together. Adrienette are forced to marry because of circumstances and Marinette resents Adrien for it. It’s got Enemies to Friends to Lovers vibes, even if we haven’t gotten that last part yet, and I love it!

i have found someone (like a nomad finds a home) by @hanaasbananas

After Stoneheart, Gabriel figured out who Chat Noir was, and forced him to work for him, rather than with Ladybug. Years later, Adrien is miserable until one night, he meets Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

Ladynoir Enemies AU featuring Marichat. Sort of a Never Met AU in that Adrien doesn't start attending school until after he's been a villain for some time and after he's gotten to know (and fallen for) Marinette as Chat. I love it when Chat's a villain and his love for Marinette/Ladybug helps him make better choices!

This Red Love by @hanaasbananas

In another world, he loves her. Would lay down his life for her without a second thought. Would be devoted only to her. In another world, they are partners, fighting side by side to keep Paris safe from Hawkmoth. Ladybug and Chat Noir, heroes of Paris. In this world, Ladybug is his enemy; the only thing standing in the way of what he most desires. In this world, he is not a hero.

Or the one where Adrien and Marinette are dating, but Chat Noir works for Hawkmoth. Angst ensues.

Ladynoir Enemies AU featuring Adrienette. This one has so much tension and the identity reveal and the ladynoir conflict really impacts the adrienette relationship and it's fantastic!

#miraculous ladybug #ml fanfic #ml fic recs #fic rec #adrienette #ladynoir #adrinette #enemies to lovers #enemies au #jennarecsml

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milliedazzledust · 3 years

Text

In Loving Memory (Bucky Barnes imagine)

Request: @missroro the reader is steve twin and she married to bucky after the blip, she had enough of the 'new captain america' thing shes really mad, so when walker and his friend start talking about joining forces she snap like she pull out a gun and pointing right at them, also sam ofc dont forget about sam. Sam trying to stop her while bucky "nah let her do her fun"

Words: 2021

Warning: !!TFATWS SPOILER!! without context - violence

A/N: wrote this today, it basically follows the events of ep3 of fatws but without context. I have a couple of exams this week so I won't be able to post until next saturday. Until then, enjoy

"You shouldn’t have gave him the shield"

Sam frowned, turning back to look at Bucky.

"I didn’t gave him the shield" He defended himself, making a point.

"Well, Steve definitely didn’t" Y/N ironically answered back.

He gave her a pointed stare. They had had this conversation countless times and Y/N never missed a chance to remind him of what she thought was a huge mistake.

"You are the reason this is happening, Sam. You chose to take on my brother’s legacy and threw it out the window"

The man didn’t reply and pursed his lips. He knew she didn’t mean any of her harsh words, she was angry and still mourning. If taking it out on him could make her feel better, he would let her.

"Y/N, stop" Bucky took a step toward his wife, clasping her hand in his metal one. He had hoped the physical contact would be enough to calm her down.

"He abandoned me, Sam" She continued, her voice filled with emotions. "He was gone and all I had left was memories. I chose this life for him, I fought with him, I believed in everything he represented. I looked up to him, to Captain America. And today, even those memories are gone, taken by the same government you and I were up against, mocked by clowns pretending to be heroes, all because you gave up"

The Falcon closed his eyes and dropped his head. She couldn’t see his point of view, or share his opinions when her judgment was clouded by so much pain. He wished she could understand the dilemma, the duality that represented the shield for him.

"Y/N, please, that’s enough" Bucky whispered next to her ear.

She turned her head toward him and as usual, his heart broke when he saw the torment in her eyes. She didn’t need to speak, she was an open book to him. They both had lost so much and yet were all each other had left. They were collateral damage, their own team against a world that wasn’t theirs anymore. She silently nodded, assuring him she was fine. Sam watched Bucky kissing her forehead and he furrowed his brow. He would never admit it but he was glad they had each other, because no one could carry that much pain alone without crumbling apart.

Before any of them could add anything, soldiers in blue and red erupted in the room, bursting through the door of the apartment where they were hiding in Latvia. Bucky instinctively grabbed Y/N and forced her body to move behind his. The two man stood in front of them, tall and proud, a smug smile on their lips.

"Alright, that’s it, your time is up" The man calling himself Captain America announced, the shield in one hand, the other pointing at the three avengers. "Tell me where Zemo is"

"We know you’re hiding him" His sidekick added.

"I’m ordering you to turn him over"

Sam eyed them up and down.

"Let’s be clear, the only thing you’re running here is your mouth" The Falcon firmly replied, crossing his arms.

"I gave you a chance to work with us" He mentioned.

" ‘For us’ is the correct way to put it, tough guy. And we said no." Y/N reminded him, her face showing how much she was annoyed.

"You’re obviously in over your head so I suggest you turn back and go" Sam argued.

"You really want this conversation to go there ?" The hero threatened.

Bucky straightened up when he felt Y/N tensing. He knew she was already on the verge of snapping. One wrong word from the man she hated and this could go down to hell.

"Should I put down the shield ?" He continued to challenge Sam. "Make it fair?"

The woman groaned and when John Walker dropped his weapon, without a second thought, she grabbed the nearest knife and threw it right at his face. The man had barely enough time to move back and his eyes rose in surprise when the blade stuck itself into the wall with force.

"Sorry, it slipped" She ironically explained, shrugging.

"You don’t want to play this game with me" He tried to intimidate her, tilting his head to the side.

She smiled, pleased he was giving her the opportunity to smack his face. Bucky clenched his fists when he saw her walking in front of Walker. Without tearing her eyes away from his, she seized her knife and pulled it out of the wall with a sharp movement.

"I think someone should teach you a lesson, Walker" She told him in a low tone.

"Are you offering ?" He challenged her.

"Don’t tempt me"

"You’re lucky you’re his sister" He grinned. "But don’t push it. This Captain America is not as lenient as the previous was"

Bucky swore under his breath. It was too late now. And just as Sam looked at him with concern, Y/N threw her fist in a curved punch at the soldier. He used his forearm to counter the blow, but she was faster and had far more experience. Using the momentum, her foot rose up and kicked him in the face. The man was thrown back, shaking his head in confusion.

"We should do something" Sam advised the former assassin.

"No. Let her have her fun" He crossed his arms, harboring a small smirk.

The soldier tried to hit her back, but even when he took the shield she blocked his attack. His sidekick soon joined the fight and distracted her for a second, just enough time for Walker to punch her. Immediately, she felt the taste of blood in her mouth, but no pain. She was passed that, far too pissed to feel anything.

Another blow on her chest send her to the ground and Hoskins hold her down while his friend was about to hit her with her brother’s shield. He raised it in the air, with every intention of beating her, but a strong metal hand stopped him in his movement. A very infuriated Bucky stood before him, his blue eyes darkening with anger. He firmly took the weapon, knocked Hoskins out with it and threw it across the room.

"If you wanted to make it fair, you shouldn’t have chosen to hit my wife" His tone was terrifying.

Walker didn’t seem as confident anymore. Bucky looked imposing, brute force ready to strike. His metal arm clenched in a fist and, without warning, it collided with the soldier’s jaw, sending him a few feet away. He strode to the man on the ground and grabbed him by the collar of his uniform

"This is all easy for you, isn’t it ?" Walker spoke with venom, staring at Bucky. "All that serum running through your veins"

With a swift movement, Y/N took the shield and launched it with power right on the soldier’s chest. The blow was so violent his body crashed into a door before landing on the floor. She was furious by his statement and he could see it with every step she made toward him. She grabbed the gun attached to her thigh and pointed it at his face.

"Lesson number one: learn when to shut up. Especially when you don't know what you're talking about" She was fuming but had not intention on killing the man, despite the sheer desire to do so.

She didn’t realize Sam was next to her until she saw his hand lowering her gun.

"This isn’t what Steve would want." He calmly expressed. "Remember, there’s always another way"

Her lips quivered and she closed her eyes, remembering how many times her brother had told her that. She let him take the weapon and looked up at him. The conviction and kindness in his stare were enough. He didn’t have to say anything. Every words she needed to hear, he spoke them in silence.

She turned back to Bucky and he cupped her face, inspecting the bruise on her skin. He seemed ready to go back and beat the man down. Y/N softly smiled and clasped her hands around his wrists. He stroke her cheek and pulled her toward him before carefully kissing her lips.

"Good ?" He asked in a soft voice he only used with her.

"Good"

It was something between them, a single word they spoke every time they fought. Wherever they were, whomever they were up against, if one of them asked, the other had to answer. It was their intimate way to always know they were alright.

Later that day, Sam and Bucky had decided to go talk to the leader of the Flag Smasher, Karli Morgenthau, while Y/N had been charged to follow Walker and Hoskins. As soon as she had seen they were going after the young super soldier, she had warned her friends about the danger. She knew enough about the new Captain to guess he had no intention on arresting Karli. He wanted to make justice himself. She pitied his sidekick. He seemed like a decent man with good ideas struggling to find virtue on the wrong side of the battle. He was Walker’s collateral damage.

She wondered what Steve would think of all that if he could see them fighting both super soldiers and Captain America. He never cared for the star and stripes, never used his shield to harm. His heart was with the people he defended. Even when it had been against Tony, he pursued what he believed was best. Was that what Walker was trying to do ? She couldn’t know. But she was sure of one thing, the man had nothing in common with Steve. Pride, ego and selfishness were never traits anyone would have used to describe her brother. She couldn’t bear for him to be replaced, especially to a man that didn’t share his morals or any of his opinions. The shield he was carrying wasn’t just a weapon, it was her brother’s symbol of hope, a symbol he had fought so hard to forge. The man made the uniform, not the other way around. That’s what Walker didn’t get. Up until that point, people had not been following Captain America, they had been following Steve Rogers.

Standing in that public square, she didn’t realize she was crying until she felt Bucky entwined his fingers with hers. She couldn’t avert her eyes from the horrific scenery. Powerlessly, she watched a man she didn’t know being executed. His opponent was merciless, striking with determination and rage, using the only piece of memory she had left of her brother to bring terror and death. Frozen on the spot in the middle of the crowd, she could see the fear in all those strangers eyes and it felt like grief coming in waves, a shard in her guts that would never leave. It felt like this particular moment was choking the breath out of her body, short circuiting her mind. What was whole once completely shattered and she couldn’t find the strength to be angry anymore. All her brother had built had fallen apart in the split of a second and all the world had left was a bloodied image of his symbol of hope. A symbol that was no more.

“Sam...” She called him, almost like a scared child.

“I know...”

Both men looked worried. Y/N felt Bucky’s hand trembling and she squeezed him harder. She could easily guess how he felt. Steve had saved both of them, he had gave them a purpose, had allowed the former assassin to be more than the weapon Hydra had made of him. Pieces by pieces, he had brought their family back together. And as they both stood there, witnessing the horrifying end of his legacy, Bucky realized everything his bestfriend had fought for was turning into dust.

"I’m sorry" Y/N whispered to Sam. "But there’s no other way now"

Her husband dropped his head, trying to regain a sense of control over his emotions. Wordlessly agreeing with her, he turned to their friend.

“He has to be stopped”

Tags: @taina-eny

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