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insanelycooljk · 4 years

Note

j comes out 👀

send me the title of one of my deh wips and I’ll share an excerpt/tell you a bit about it

This was just intended to be a short one-shot that I may or may not finish, but here’s the current summary:

Jared is finally ready to come out to his parents and tell them about the boy he’s dating. He just didn’t expect coming out to be the easy part.

it’s kleinsen ofc because uhh it’s me lol

So, Jared and Evan have been dating for a few months now and Jared is just... so happy and he wants to tell people damn it! He just loves this boy so much!

Also Heidi knows that they’re dating, so it’s just been making things really awkward whenever both of their families catch up.

Evan would never pressure Jared to come out before he’s ready, but Jared kind of gets the impression that Evan is a little insecure about it? Like, he gets the impression that maybe Evan wonders if the reason Jared hasn’t told his parents that they’re dating is because he’s embarrassed of him or something

Which obviously isn’t true, but first of all: that’s anxiety babyyy!! and second of all: given years of putting up with Jared’s teasing and shitty jokes and emotional problems? Not the most unreasonable conclusion to come to.

So a part of it for Jared is about wanting to show Evan that he loves him and he wants other people to know.

Anyway, Jared’s pretty nervous about coming out. Mostly because he’s not really sure how his parents are going to take it, but also because the Kleinmans just... do not do emotions. Not necessarily in a bad way, they just don’t ever talk about feelings. (hm I wonder where Jared got it from :/)

He decides he’s going to tell his mum first. So he tells her he’s gay and it actually goes suprisingly well.

Her immediate response is just “Oh. Well, I can’t say I’m surprised.”

She says it in a teasing way and she’s smiling, but Jared is almost kind of offended?

He’s just, he’s not like “sterotypically gay” and he thought he’d done a pretty decent job of hiding it over the years. I mean sure he never expressed any interest in any girls, but he never expressed interest in any guys to his parents either?

Until his mum tells him that he announced to her that he was going to marry Luke Skywalker when he was like 7 lmao. (Sweet boy with soft blonde hair and big blue eyes? That sounds awfully familiar!)

So they have a kind of nice conversation about it. It’s a little awkward sure because like I said the Kleinmans don’t do FeelingsTM, but it’s nice and Jared feels relieved because honestly he’d been bracing himself for the worst just incase.

It’s going so well that Jared then goes “Also... I have a boyfriend.”

And now his mum actually does look surprised, which kind of hurts because surely it can’t be that unbelievable that he’s dating someone.

But she’s still really supportive, and says something along the lines of

“That’s great Jared, I’m really happy for you. If you ever want to invite him over for dinner, I’d love to meet him.”

And then is Jared all... ok so here’s the thing lmao.

“Actually, um, it’s Evan.”

And here’s where the angst part of this factors in. Because Jared’s mum just kind of... doesn’t really believe him.

She’s just like “Evan Evan?”

And Jared’s getting kind of annoyed now. “Yes, Evan Evan.” He feels all hot and his cheeks are flushed because this is so humiliating, is it really that hard to believe that Evan would like him?

Cause here’s the thing with Jared’s parents and Evan. Growing up they’d always kind of praise him as being so polite and such a good kid, which eventually became more of a passive aggressive jab at Jared which really meant - why can’t you be more polite and well-mannered like Evan?

A lot of adults tend to baby Evan because of his anxiety and kind of assume that he can do no wrong. Like, if Jared and Evan ever did something together as kids and got in trouble, it would always be Jared’s fault. Regardless of what really happened, because the adults would just assume Jared was being a bad influence on poor, sweet Evan.

Oh boy, if Jared’s parents ever found out the truth about The Connor Project? They’d absolutely assume it was all Jared’s fault because they couldn’t possibly imagine Evan ever doing something so horrible.

ANYWAY, basically Jared’s mum thinks Evan is too good for Jared.

Which his mum actually says to him. Jared’s mum has always been blunt, but this just feels cruel. Because god if that doesn’t hit all of his biggest insecurities.

And like, He knows, Jared fucking knows that Evan’s too good for him, but hearing it from his own mother? Knowing that this seemingly universal truth is so obvious that even other people can see it? Ouch.

So yeah, the rest of that conversation doesn’t go particulary well :( If I was feeling nice I might write a second chapter of Evan comforting and reassuring Jared afterwards lol.

So tldr? Coming out goes well, but trying to convince his parents that Evan actually likes him and isn’t just dating Jared because he’s incapable of saying no? Less successful.

I’m sorry I got a little carried away with this one lmao, but now I’m thinking I might actually finish writing it so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ we will see

#j comes out #not sure if I'll ever finish it but... maybe #can't believe this one started out soft and good!!#and then my brain aka the angst factory was like #hey... what if jared's mum said this #look having a stupid anxiety brain that torments you with horrible ok but WHAT IF!?? scenarios is a pain in the ass #but it just means I have a never ending supply of angst ideas 😌#so who's the REAL winner here?#answered #zoe writes #kleinsen #deh #jared kleinman #evan hansen #deh wips prompt

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a-secondhand-sorrow · 5 years

Text

I can finally see you’re as fucked up as me (so how do we win?)

I love dodie and kleinsen and I have many regrets but this has yet to become one of them. give it a hot second tho it’ll happen

trigger warnings: suicide, suicideal idealation, alchohol mention, depression

***

“You’re just a family friend. Speaking of which, could you mention to your mom I’ve been being nice to you? I need my car insurance payed.”

Jared’s already flinching inwardly at how crass he sounds. It’s not even distancing; it’s straight up dickish. But he makes sure to keep his face the same calculated blank expression as always, and Evan nods, an expression Jared can’t quite read on his face.

But really, Jared knows. He knows he’s not fooling Evan when he says they’re only family friends. He doesn’t even believe himself.

***

Jared’s not quite sure when he became an asshole.

Or, no-he’s pretty sure he’s always had the asshole-ness inside of him. More accurately, he’s not sure what made him share it.

(If he’s honest with himself, he knows damn well what. But honesty has never been Jared’s forté, especially with himself.)

Since he doesn’t care much for honesty, he can just continue on being a dick, without much problem.

He’s already invisible to everyone; no one really cares about him, and he knows they can’t stand him. He can’t even stand himself.

But there’s Evan. Evan, with the patience of a goddamn saint. Evan, who puts up with him being an asshole who blows him off and says he only hangs out with him to appease his parents. Evan, who has never once turned Jared away when he needed human contact.

(Evan, with the most beautiful eyes and glowing personality and infuriatingly nice hair, even though his anxiety may mask it.)

And Evan is all he has, which he’s perfectly fine with because he’d be fine with only Evan for the rest of his life, except for the fact that every time he sees him he screws things up and he knows that one day Evan will be done with his shit and finally leave. It’s a day Jared knows has to be coming, since he’s such a fuckup and he’ll have to wake up. Jared can’t even handle himself. And if Evan ever knew just how deep things went—

He could never know.

So Jared pushed Evan away and kept him at arms’ length with the assistance of “family friends” and cruel jokes. He could almost ignore the pang in his chest every time he saw him frown at one of his jokes or stare at the table during lunch. He could almost ignore the way Evan walked on eggshells around him. He could almost ignore the sleepless nights where he wondered how Evan was, what it would feel like to be able to reach out without letting down his carefully curated veneer.

And that was fine. It wasn’t good, or enjoyable. But it was fine. He was fine.

Until he realized there was nothing else for him, besides Evan. All his middle school friends had ditched him long before when he became too “clingy,” both his parents worked full-time, and he didn’t do anything.

He slapped a crooked smile on his face and sharpened his wit so he’d always have a joke ready to deflect with. He forced himself into seats at lunch tables with barely-even-acquaintances. He broke into his parents liquor cabinet and drank himself asleep.

Words became his weapons as he wrapped himself in humor like armor, wielded his cruelty like a sword, wore a fake confidence to cover all of his insecurities. He was never anywhere but he forced himself everywhere. He didn’t think he was funny but he built himself around his jokes. He was never happy but he was never upset, either.

He could almost convince himself it was all true.

Jared became one hell of an actor.

And that’s...fine.

And if Evan finds him having a panic attack in the bathroom one day because the acting was just too much, he never talks about it.

If Evan, with the tiny crease between his brows as they furrowed in concern, with his hands gripping at his shirt, with his eyes nervously darting to Jared’s but knowing exactly what to do, was the only thing that could actually calm him down, he didn’t think much of it.

If he wanted nothing more than to apologize in that moment, if nothing else, or to lean in and kiss him and feel Evan’s arms wrap around him as panic finally left him, to leave the bathroom hand in hand and never let go, he never said it.

And if he knew, in that moment, that he’d fallen in love, he never let on.

If he bit out an insult about how much of a freak Evan was and how he’d never need help from a loser like him, he’d never admit it.

If he could feel his heart tear as Evan’s eyes watered and his hand dropped and he rushed out of the bathroom leaving Jared to resume his uneven breathing, he refused to acknowledge it.

If he sunk to the floor and dropped his head into his hands and finally let himself cry, for the first time in several years, he never mentioned it.

He told himself all of that, anyway. He never was one for honesty. He could almost believe it, too.

(He never quite did.)

And that’s fine. Even though it’s really not fine...it’s fine.

It’s not good, but it’s normal, and Jared will take it.

Change is just too much.

Senior year is just another step in the road. After senior year, he’s off to college and finally away from the suffocating persona he’s crafted for himself.

And Evan has a broken arm.

Which would be normal, except Jared knows damn well that as much as Evan loves trees he’d never climb one.

Unless he was planning something drastic.

He sees something, something deep within the set of Evan’s shoulders and the depths of his pupils. Something he’s felt echoing in his own mind increasingly, broken and distorted.

But Jared’s one to talk.

It’s almost as though he’s willed it into existence, but a few days later Connor Murphy kills himself.

Hey, loving the new haircut, very school-shooter chic.

When he finds out, he takes the day off of school. Something settled in the pit of his stomach, a dark and writhing shame that felt like a question.

His mother tries to find out what’s making him so sick, but eventually he convinces her to let him stay home alone. She’s against it, and she means well, he knows she does, but for once he really wishes his parents could just say no.

Once she’s gone, he crawls his way out of bed and makes his way through the house with slow, heavy steps. He’s never noticed how filled the house is with pictures, mostly of him as a child, all beaming at the camera with that opened-mouth smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt happy enough to smile like that. He couldn’t imagine ever feeling like that again.

He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. And that’s fine.

He’s in front of the liquor cabinet before he knows he is. Unconsciously, he’s pulling out that bottle of vodka he knows has been sitting there for years, taking a swig that’s probably a little heavier than recommended with an upset stomach.

It’s habit. It’s normal. But it feels different, almost.

Jesus, Connor Murphy’s dead days after you call him a school shooter. You might as well be dead too, huh?

You’re the fucking freak.

He takes another swig out of the bottle, feeling it burn on the way down.

No use being alive when you’re already invisable, right? Who’s gonna grieve you? Your parents who never make sure you’re okay? Your classmates who laugh at your jokes but call you clingy? All the people you torment just because it makes you feel like you have some social standing? The boy you’ve been desperately in love with for three years who deserves way better than a dick who won’t even be seen with him in public?

If this is his life, than living isn’t worth shit.

There’s sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet upstairs. Or he could clear out the liquor cabinet and hope that that’s enough.

Either way, another drink wouldn’t hurt.

He thinks of Evan for a moment. There’s nothing for him but Evan, but he doesn’t deserve a minute of Evan’s time. There’ll be no pain for Evan if he’s gone. The only pain will be what Jared is feeling, and once that’s out of the equation...

He’s interrupted by a knock at the door, frantic and sporadic.

Shoving the bottle back into the cabinet, Jared smoothely makes his way to the front door, hoping he looks sick enough to pass.

All he gets is another wave of nausea while Evan stares up at him, hair disheveled and breathing ragged.

“Oh my god,” Evan says, and it’s only then that Jared realizes Evan’s entire body is shaking. He launches himself at Jared, arms wrapping around his neck. He’s shaking so hard Jared is surprised he was still standing out there.

Without thinking, Jared wraps one arm around Evan’s shoulders while attempting to close the door around him.

They stand like that for another moment before Evan attempted to explain himself.

“I’m sorry, I just, god, I know you don’t want to hear from me and I know you hate me but I’m in a really bad place and I can’t believe Connor Murphy is dead and I feel so horrible because he stole my letter—”

Jared pulls back. now that he can feel Evan becoming steadier, and cuts him off. “Wait, wait, sorry, just—”

“I, um, I had to write letters to myself as a therapy assignment and I was printing one on the first day and Connor saw it and freaked out and the whole thing sounded like a suicide note—”

“What?”

“And,” Evan continues his word vomit. “I think—I think that might have been part of why he’s—oh god.” which is punctuated by Evan dropping his head into his hands.

Jared blinks once, trying to process everything. “Wait, but, why...did it sound like a suicide note?”

Evan doesn’t move, but Jared swears he can hear a sniffle.

“Evan,” and this time, his voice is soft but clear, coercing him into looking back up. “Were you going to...”

Evan’s eyes go wide. “No! Not then. I don’t think. Except,” he pauses, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt. “It wasn’t— it was earlier this year and-I don’t know why I’m here, I’m so sorry, just, bye, I’ll leave—”

“Jesus Christ, Evan,” Jared said, trying to sound just annoyed enough that the affection and worry in his voice would be masked. “What is it?”

“I didn’t fall.” He blurts, and Jared is silenced. “From the tree. This summer. I let go. I...”

Somehow, Jared knows what Evan was going to say. His tone is flat as he fills in where Evan left off. “...felt like you could disappear? Like it would be better if you did?”

Evan nods, not quite meeting Jared’s eyes.

Puzzle pieces start to click in Jared’s brain, even through the fair amount he’d had to drink. “And that’s why you came here. Because you thought that if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to stop.” He was suddenly aware of his palms shaking and stomach turning over, vision tunneling so all he could see was Evan. Evan wanted to die, and it was his fault, at least partially.

Jared could’ve burst into tears. He just managed to swallow the lump down.

We’re just family friends.

Evan’s saying something, but Jared can’t remember what. There’s the bottle of vodka, and there’s the sleeping pills upstairs. They’re sorely tempting, but Evan’s standing in front of him. How could he want to die when Evan is standing in front of him, needing him to save him?

He wanted nothing more, but how could he save Evan when his own brain wanted nothing more than release?

How could he save Evan when he’d been part of the reason for his destruction?

Now it’s Jared who can’t meet Evan’s eyes, and he begins to ask “how did you knows this?” His eyes fall on the hastily hidden vodka bottle and the cabinet which had fallen open in Jared’s haste to get to the door.

Jared scrambled to explain. “I-I just, I was a dick to Connor and I was horrible and he’s—no one cares about me anyway but I’ve still been horrible enough to someone that they killed themselves and—now it’s like, you felt...like that, and it’s just—how can I keep going in like this? I’m just,” he broke off for a moment, choking over his words, “all I do is hurt people.”

“No,” Evan breathes, looking more crestfallen than before. He shoots himself forward again, lips crashing against Jared’s, and the world crashes to a halt just for a moment. It’s desperate and hurried and frantic, but Jared feels that he could smile again, even if this moment is his last with Evan. Or last ever.

There’s a million unsaid things in the air, but somehow in the space of a moment he hears all of them. They’re everything he’s needed to hear for the last seventeen years. I need yous and you’re important to mes and it wasn’t yous and I love yous.

Evan pulls away too quickly, murmuring another no as he buries his face in Jared’s chest. “No. You can’t... I wouldn’t...”

“Oh yeah?” Jared says, voice choked with tears. “How do you think I felt when you said it, asshole?”

Evan laughs a little, a wet, discordant thing, but still reaches up to kiss Jared again. And then they’re both crying, not quite sure how to move forward but desperately grasping at each other to make sure the other won’t disappear.

Those unspoken things hang in the air again, but they ignore them for a moment. There’s an adrenaline rush coursing through their veins, terrifying and intoxicating and suffocating at the same time. There’s only one thing that’s abundantly clear: they’d both been ready to see the end that day. It turned out that this was just another beginning.

Neither is fine, but fine is overrated anyway.

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razanartuk · 5 years

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23 with kleinsen?

from here

23. “I immediately regret this decision.”

“And no one will know what we’re doing here? Like, the Feds won’t find out and come bust us for falsifying emails?” Evan asks, nibbling on the nubby remnants of his fingernails as he hesitantly follows Jared into his bedroom. Jared’s laptop is already on, waiting for the two boys to enact their plan.

Rarely does Evan ever chew his nails down enough to make them bleed, but the temptation to do so is practically always there. The only thing stopping him from ripping up his cuticles entirely now is the fact that Jared is sitting right there in front of him and Evan doesn’t want to creep him out any more than he’s certain he already does.

This feels illegal, but maybe it’s just the way Evan talks about it. Jared doesn’t seem bothered by what they’re doing. Then again, Jared isn’t exactly known for being discreet or tactful in any sense, except maybe with things that have to do with him on a personal level.

Still, Evan is pretty sure Jared wouldn’t do anything illegal where anyone else could see him. Jared is more of an “anything is legal as long as you don’t get caught” kind of person. Evan is more the kind of person who gets caught doing something incredibly minor but winds up being questioned by the local authority because he “looks and acts suspicious” when it’s just social anxiety making it a nightmare to talk to people he doesn’t know.

“Uh, no. That’s the whole point of using a VPN.” Jared swivels around in his computer chair, which Evan notes looks brand new. It must be nice to come from a family with money like the Kleinmans or the Murphys. “Hides your IP address and makes it like, nearly impossible for anyone to trace sketchy shit back to you. It also makes targeted advertising more difficult so I get a lot less ‘hot singles in Rochester are ready for you’ ads while I’m jacking it. You weren’t even paying attention when I was explaining how that works, were you?”

“Gross,” Evan takes it back. If Jared has sat and jerked off in a chair that his parents bought for him (of course, he hasn’t, because Jared isn’t an animal and he’s actually kind of a neat freak when it comes to his room’s cleanliness), Evan would rather be destitute and retain a shred of dignity than ever come by any money and do something similar. Scrunching up his nose in disgust, he takes a couple steps away from Jared, who smiles and laughs in a way that is almost adorably innocent and completely mischievous at the same time. “I um, was focused on something else, so no, but—”

“—Listen, Evan. I said I’d do this for you on like, the world’s shittiest commission fee of 20 bucks, but I can’t have you disrespecting the Kleinman Castle like this.”

“The Kleinman Castle,” Evan repeats, monotone.

“Yeah,” Jared gives an enthusiastic chirp, “That’s what I call my room. Are you jealous?”

Evan sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I immediately regret this decision.”

In a way, he is jealous, but that is not something he feels like admitting to Jared. Especially when it feels like Jared is intentionally pulling out all the stops on ways he knows how to push Evan’s buttons.

Evan can count on one hand the amount of times he’s known Jared to take anything seriously. The only thing that comes to mind recently is that he had seemed pretty genuinely concerned when Evan first explained the situation with the Murphys, but maybe that was just wishful thinking on his part.

“Hey, c’mon. If you back out on me now, I’m charging you the original 2k I asked for,” Jared scolds him in a lighthearted manner. He doesn’t mean it, but Evan doesn’t have to know that.

“I should just go tell the Murphys the truth. It can’t get any worse if I do, right?”

“Oh yeah, sure. It just means that Zoe will hate you and probably never ever want to see or speak to you ever again,” if Jared sounds jealous, it’s because he’s jealous. Nothing against Zoe, of course. She’s a sweet girl, kind of standoffish at first but if she decides you’re cool she’s alright. Loves music, or at least likes that it gives her a way to escape from the reality she lives in for a short while. The way Evan idolizes her is annoying.

Evan can barely say two words to her on a good day, but Jared is convinced that Evan has this fantasy life where they go to college together, he marries Zoe and they live happily ever after in a big house making cute little baby Zoes and Evans and god it’s all just so fucking heterosexual. Made more nauseating only by the fact that Jared tries to get Evan’s attention any way he knows how to and there is no such thing as Evan over-analyzing their relationship.

“The mom will go back to blubbering about the fucked up ideal vision of her son that never actually existed and then she’ll wind up re-enacting the whole plot of Next to Normal, and who even knows what dad will do. He seems like the kind of guy who might press charges.”

“He’s a lawyer, I think.” Evan recalls Larry specifically telling him that he works at a law firm, but the ‘I think’ is thrown on anyway; in case he’s wrong.

“Then he would definitely take you to court. So no, I don’t think you should go tell them the truth. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is let me work.”

Evan wants to think that maybe Jared is just messing with him again, but that all sounds pretty accurate to what chain of events might conspire to become reality if he does come clean about what really happened with Connor in the computer lab. Zoe most likely would hate his guts. Cynthia was too nice to hate anyone, but she probably would be thrown into a downward depressive spiral where she would desperately try to cling to her own vision of Connor rather than accept what the truth was. And Larry… Well, there was no shortage of scenarios Evan could see involving Larry wanting to protect his family from ne’er do wells like Evan.

“I guess you’re right. Let’s just try to write one email and see how that goes.”

“Okay, cool. I have some ideas.” with that, Jared sets to work typing.

#this is more like #if you squint you can maybe see some soft kleinsen but #i like their dynamic in sincerely me so that's what i write #dear evan hansen #kleinsen #evan hansen #jared kleinman #mel writes #Anonymous

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kennothythebard · 7 years

Text

Please Don’t Say You Love Me

So excited to finally post it! This is my submission for the @kleinsensongbash, a little bit late but it’s here! It might not be my best fic writing, but I’m glad I finished it in time.

Notes:

Song: “Please Don’t Say You Love Me” by Gabrielle Aplin

Fandom: Dear Evan Hansen (duh)

Ship: Kleinsen (duh) and some implied Galaxy Gals

Word Count: 3,200

Connor Lives au (+They All Became Friends au)

I worked hard on this I hope you enjoy it!

"Hello? Earth to Evan Hansen?"

Evan was snapped back to reality by the voice. He refocused on the items in his locker and turned to see a familiar black hoodie.

"Conner! Sorry I was… I was distracted, how-how long, um, how long have you been standing there?"

"Like a solid minute. I asked the same question like three times. Man, you're really out of it."

"Y-yeah…" Evan was prone to overthinking most everything, but he liked to think he didn't let it interfere with his real life. He shook his head, annoyed at himself for spacing out. "What were you, um, what did you wanna ask me?"

"We still have plans to hang later today, right?" The two hadn't been friends long, and how they became friends was a rather uncomfortable story for both of them, yet they were practically inseparable. Evan wondered frequently if this is what having a best friend was like.

"I think so…" Evan said nodding his head.

"Did you forget?" Evan felt sweat start to form on his forehead. "I won't be mad if you did." Evan just stared at Connor, unsure what to say. "Ok, I'll be kinda mad if you forgot. But like, if you're hanging out with your boyfriend—"

"Shhh!" Evan quickly put a hand out to stop Connor from finishing that sentence. He quickly looked around to see if anyone had heard Connor. Thankfully, it seemed most of his peers weren't paying attention.

Connor raised an eyebrow in amusement. "I'm sorry, have I completely misunderstood the nature of the relationship between you and Jared Kleinman? Have you two just been going on dates and fucking as friends this entire time?"

Evan frowned. "Just advertise it to the world, why don't you?" He deadpanned. "You know I'm not exactly out yet…"

"You're pretty much out."

"Whatever can we just—can we just drop the Jared thing?"

It was Connor's turn to frown. "Something going on between you two? Are you fighting or—"

"No, no, no its- we're not fighting. Things are going, um, they're going well. Like really well. Almost too well."

"How can they be going too well?"

Evan shrugged. "I dunno… it's just, like… I guess, It's like, I dunno, things are getting pretty serious now."

Connor chuckled. "They weren't before?" He took a look at Evan's concerned face and sighed. "Ok, I'll bite. How are things getting serious in a way they weren't before?" Evan stayed silent. He really didn't want to tell Connor about his relationship with Jared and why he was worried about it. "Alright, I'm invoking the NLC."

"Dammit." The NLC was a tool of Evan's own invention. When he and Connor became friends he had suggested that they should be able to tell each other anything, and more importantly they shouldn't lie if lying would be harmful to their health. Evan had called this idea the No Lying Clause (NLC for short), and he felt it had really helped the both of them multiple times in the past. But when it came to personal matters it was annoying. And what was worse, Connor enjoyed using the NLC to his advantage whenever he wanted Evan to reveal personal details Evan normally wouldn't tell anyone, not even his mom.

"Well? I don't have all day Hansen."

"I think Jared is in love with me," he blurted.

Connor didn't seem phased. "Ok… and? Like this wasn't a thing before?"

"I mean, I don't know, I guess he was into me but like… I think he keeps trying to tell me he loves me, and I mean, I just- I mean, I can't—I can't deal with that right now."

"What's so bad about him saying he loves you?"

Evan shook his head. "The fact I won't be able to say it back."

Connor's eyes opened wide with surprise. "You don't love him back?"

"Well I mean…" Evan gestured for a few seconds before putting his head in his hand, helpless. "I don't know. But if I say it there's commitment, and I could have to unsay it one day, but if I don't say it then we have to talk about it and he's gonna break up with me because I don't feel the same way, even if I do and—"

"Whoa, slow down, Evan. So you do love him?"

Evan threw his hands in the air. "I don't know! I don't know anything! I don't know what to do!"

Connor laughed. "Look, if he does say it, just like seduce him or something. If you bang him hard enough, maybe he won't realize you didn't actually say it back."

"Why do I go to you for advice?"

Connor gave a smug grin. "Cuz I'm your best friend."

"Yeah, yeah… wait aren't you my only friend?"

"Not quite…" Connor pointed towards the two girls walking down the stairs at that moment. Zoe and Alana. He knew they would see him and they would talk to him and with all this stress on his mind he wasn't sure if he wanted to deal with that, but at least Connor was there to deflect some of the attention. Alana looked over and saw Evan, giving a smile and a small nod. Evan gave a quick, small wave in return as the two girls walked over.

"Hey Evan!" Alana said, pulling him into a somewhat reluctant hug.

"Hey."

"Have you seen Connor?" Zoe asked.

Evan frowned. "Yeah, he's right…" Evan turned around only to find empty space where Connor had been a second ago. He turned back to the girls and grimaced. "You just missed him."

"Oh…"

"Supposedly we're hanging out later today? I dunno…"

"Well if you see him, give him this." Zoe handed Evan a piece of paper, some kind of rubric or project instructions.

"I will." Evan looked at the paper, unsure. He knew the exact reason Connor had bolted but it was still perplexing. "I thought things were going better between you guys?"

Zoe shrugged. "A bit I guess… We got in a fight this morning, and he apologized in the car but I think he's… I dunno, ashamed? In any case, he's avoiding me again."

"Baby steps, Zoe," Alana said, patting Zoe's shoulder.

Evan coughed. "Um, what did you wanna say to me?"

Alana smiled. "Just reminding you the student outreach group is having a meeting on Wednesday."

"Oh. Right. How did I let myself get roped into that again?"

Zoe snickered. "I ask myself the same thing."

Alana shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Just be there guys."

Zoe gave Alana an awkward salute. "Yes ma'am." She laughed. "I mean, it's basically the one chance Evan and I get to catch up. And with the crazy schedule the past few weeks we haven't really seen each other. How've you been Evan? How are things with… you-know-who?"

"Real subtle," Alana scolded under her breathe.

Evan shrugged. "I mean, pretty good, I guess."

"Uh-oh. What's the problem?" Alana could always intuit when one of her friends had a problem. It was pretty unsettling. Most of the time, Evan was thankful for this gift, but in situations like this it was frustrating.

"Nothing's the problem!" Evan said way too quickly. "Everything's fine, we're fine and know we have a lot of fun together and I think he's in love with me and that's great so everything's—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up there," Zoe interrupted. "Jared's in love with you?"

"…Shit."

"Like he's said he loves you?" Zoe and Alana looked at Evan in anticipation.

"No, not really, not yet," he answered. "Thank god," he quickly mumbled after.

"Why 'thank god?' Why is that a good thing?" Alana asked.

"…I hoped you wouldn't hear that. Look, I-I already talked to, um, talked to Connor about this, he gave me his advice and I don't want to rehash it again—"

"My brother's advice is terrible. And his romantic advice is the literal worst."

"Yeah, no shit Sherlock. When he realized I had a crush on you he suggested I throw myself out of a tree again."

Alana frowned, concerned. "Wait, when was this? Evan, that's awful! He shouldn't—"

"It was a long time ago, Alana. And I'm with Jared and you're together and Zoe and I are cool. Right?"

Zoe grinned. "Eh. I don't know, I'm kinda on the fence about you, Hansen."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "That sounds like something Connor would say."

"Shut the fuck your mouth."

Alana giggled at the nonsensical phrasing and nodded with Evan. "He's right!"

Zoe ignored Alana. "Just don't listen to his advice."

"Not planning on it. I just… I-I think I'll figure it out. Somehow. For now, I just… I just can't see Jared for a while."

"That's gonna be an issue…" Zoe and Evan followed Alana's gaze towards Jared who was walking in their direction at that instant.

Jared smiled at the three as he approached them. "Hello lovely ladies. Evan." He winked as he said Evan's name, causing Evan to blush profusely. "Did you wanna do anything later today?" The question was clearly directed at Evan, who found himself at a loss for words.

"He has plans with Connor later," Alana chimed in.

"Well bring him along. The more the merrier, right?" Jared chuckled as Evan's jaw dropped. "I'm kidding. Just wanted to see the look on your beautiful face. You kids have fun. And if things change let me know." Jared patted Evan's shoulder affectionately, then began walking away.

"Good to see you too, Kleinman," Zoe called after him.

"Sorry, computer club awaits, no time for proper farewells." Jared gave a quick wave goodbye then disappeared down a hallway. Evan gave a small wave with what must have been a foolish smile and an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was suddenly overcome with only one thought, that he needed to be anywhere but here, and his only instinct was to act upon it. He ran through the hallways, leaving Alana and Zoe calling after him and quickly ran into a bathroom.

He turned on a sink, splashed some water in his face and tried some of the deep breathing exercises he had been taught. He did everything to remain calm. He was not about to have a fucking anxiety attack because his boyfriend smiled at him. He just needed to compose himself so nobody saw him like this. Please, Jared, just… please don't say you love me.

The sound of the door opening brought him back to reality. "Evan, you in here?"

His eyes widened and he turned away. "Zoe! You-you can't be in here!"

"Ask me if I give a fuck." Evan could just make out Zoe approaching him in the mirror in his periphery. Something changed when she saw what was happening. "Hey are you ok?" Evan nodded. "Are you sure? Like, you're not going to have an anxiety attack, right?" Evan vigorously shook his head. He knew now he would be fine, but he just—he just couldn't. "Well, what's going on?"

Evan shook his head. "I can't… just… ask Connor."

Zoe gave Evan an odd look but pulled her phone out and started typing a text. The two waited with bated breath as a string of texts from Connor poured in. "Oh…Ok…I think I'm getting it…wait…oh, I got it now." Evan turned, not directly facing Zoe, but able to see her a little better. "Not to diminish your feelings, but you're worrying over a problem that doesn't exist yet."

"But it will soon, and… and what if I'm not ready to say it back?"

"You really think Jared will break up with you over something so trivial?"

"…Maybe."

"Look, there's no serious problems in your relationship, right? It's fun and you both enjoy each other's company. Jared's not going to risk losing that just because you can't say that word back."

"You don't know that." At that moment the door swung open and Evan heard the mumbling of a random student. The student froze as he saw Zoe.

"Ocupado!" Zoe called over her shoulder as the terrified student slowly backed out. Evan and Zoe looked at each other before sharing a laugh, diffusing the tension from before. Zoe looked at Evan with a soft smile. "Look, Jared is smarter than he looks. Just barely, but he is." Evan cracked a small smile at the joke. "I think he'll know that that's a pretty serious thing for anyone to consider. And if anything bad does happen, let me know and I'll punch him in the dick."

Evan chuckled. "Thanks I guess."

"Hey what are best friends for?"

Evan smirked. "Apparently, telling you to seduce your boyfriend and then bolting when his sister appears."

"Are you saying I, Zoe Murphy, am second place in your friends list? To my brother? I'm offended, Evan."

"Wounded, even?"

"Hurt, Evan."

"You know you and Connor are actually a lot alike."

"Shut your fuck."

"Come on, how is that offensive, he's your brother."

"Speak of the devil and he shall appear," a voice from the doorway said. Connor stood there, un-phased by the scene before him. "Just wanted to make sure everything was cool. Offer you a ride home." He gave Zoe an awkward glance. "I can give you a ride too, if you want."

"Thanks, but Alana and I are studying after school."

"Right. Studying." Connor made air quotes as he said the last word, causeing Evan to chuckle and Zoe to become annoyed.

"Shut up Connor, why does you mind always go straight to sex?"

"It doesn't always go there—"

"Your advice to my predicament of what to do with Jared was to seduce him."

"Hey it works in that situation!" Zoe and Evan laughed, almost forgetting the tension from before. Almost.

Evan liked it when Connor gave him a ride home. He could just look out the window as the scenery rushed by, looking at the trees, the houses, the stores, the cars… He often didn't even pay attention to where they were going. But as they drove along, something felt off to Evan. As Connor slowed to a stop, Evan looked back at him.

"I thought we were going to your house…?"

Connor shrugged. "We were. But I got a text from Jared and I thought you two might want to hang out."

Evan rolled his eyes. "He can go one afternoon without seeing me."

"You're going to have to face him eventually. If you don't, then your relationship really will fall apart."

"Why do you have to be so right when you're serious?" Connor merely shrugged again.

"Just… talk to him. And if he does hurt you in any way, I'll punch him in the dick."

"That's exactly what Zoe said. You two are a lot alike, you know."

"Shut the hell your mouth."

"That is also almost exactly what she said."

"Just get the fuck out of my car and talk to your boyfriend, Hansen."

Evan hesitated, but grabbed his bag and opened the door, looking back to Connor's car as he walked up to Jared's front door and knocked. Jared answered, looking pleasantly surprised.

"Hey, I thought you said you were hanging out with Connor today."

"Well, my best friend is an idiot who drove me to the wrong house!" He yelled these last few words back at Connor, who honked and drove off.

"Come on in." Evan followed Jared into the living room, setting his backpack on the ground before Jared pulled him in for a quick, passionate kiss.

"So, um," Evan could already feel the blood rush to his cheeks, "what did you wanna do?"

Jared gave a playful smile. "Well my parents won't be back until tomorrow…

"…So you want to binge Parks and Rec again." Jared laughed.

"Not exactly."

"You have to get sick of that show eventually, we've watched the entire thing like a billion times."

"We're not binging Parks and Rec."

"Ok, thank god—"

"We're binging The Good Place."

Evan gave a deep, exasperated sigh. "Why are you like this?"

"It's a good show, you'll like it. And we can cuddle the entire time." Jared kissed Evan's cheek before sitting down on the couch. Evan shook his head with a smile as he sat down and wrapped his arms around Jared.

"Ok. Let's give this show a whirl."

They were several episodes in, and though Evan would never admit this to Jared, he was hooked. He really felt he could relate to how the characters felt, even if he wasn't going through exactly the same things they were. He liked that the relationships were a little messy and undefined, much like relationships in the real world. He had gone through some weird undefined relationships with a lot of his friends, and especially with Jared. He was glad that everything had turned out alright. He held Jared in his arms and kissed the top of his head, trying to refocus on Eleanor's latest mistake. Jared shuffled a bit and turned to look at him.

"Hey," Jared said in a soft voice.

"Hey," Evan replied.

"So, um, I need to say something to you and I need you to not freak out."

And suddenly Evan remembered everything he had been worried about. Please, I can't. Please don't say you love me, 'cause I might not say it back. "Um… why would I," he coughed, "why would I freak out?"

"Evan…" His heart skipped a beat looking at Jared's face in that moment, so sweet and caring. "…I love you." Evan stopped breathing. He couldn't do anything to stop his eyes from widening. This is it, this is the end, when I can't say it back he's gonna—"And you don't have to say anything back." Wait what?

Jared smiled and continued. "I know that this is a big thing to say, and I don't expect you to feel the same way just yet. But I needed to tell you. Being with you is so amazing, and I know you like being with me. Even if we're not at the same place yet, there's no need to worry when you see where we're at. But I love you. And I had to tell you that."

Evan couldn't say anything back. He was so overcome with emotions that he couldn't name. He leaned in and kissed Jared, deep and slow. Jared responded very positively to this, and by the time they had disentangled from making out, they had to start the entire episode over.

As the hours passed, Jared fell asleep as Evan stayed up to finish the first season. As Evan watched the finale, Evan noticed how Eleanor and Chidi regarded each other, and how the entire time, it had all been about the relationship between the two of them. And it made him realize something.

"Jared?" he whispered, fully aware he was asleep. "I love you too."

Though he might have to reiterate it in the morning, which was a terrifying prospect, he was content to fall asleep tonight, holding the boy he loved in his arms as autoplay began Parks and Rec again.

#dear evan hansen #deh #deh fanfic #kleinsen #kleinsensongbash #this was fun!!!

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