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anundefinedwoman · 6 years

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Chasing Guilt Away

Guilt - n. 1. the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime. "it is the duty of the prosecution to prove the prisoner's guilt"

synonyms: culpability, guiltiness, blameworthiness, wrongdoing, wrong, wrongfulness, criminality, unlawfulness, misconduct, sin, sinfulness

2. a feeling of having done wrong or failing in an obligation. "he remembered with sudden guilt the letter from his other that he had not read" synonyms: self-reproach, self-accusation, self-condemnation, feelings of guilt, guiltiness, a guilty conscience, a bad conscience, pangs of conscience, remorse, regret, contrition, repentance, shame, disgrace, dishonor "eat your food and enjoy it without guilt"

I'm not sure what it says that I'm moving from love to guilt in my free association writing. They are stark contrasts of one another. In love, I didn't know it. It seemed out of reach. Or maybe it seemed skewed. I still remember the first part of a poem I wrote when I was 15/16:

What is love? How does it feel? Is it good? Is it real?

Where do you get it? How much does it cost? I need some desperately- Before I get lost.

But guilt was never something I was ever lacking. I'm not sure if that's taught or just innate. I find myself at this point 2 hours before my appointment with my therapist and I should be a lot further than I am now. I am not a procrastinator by nature. In fact, procrastinators annoy me. I live in a house full of them. I haven't had any awareness that I am consciously trying to avoid doing this. It just seems to happen that way. I have nothing to show this week and I even missed last week because my oldest son was sick. Then I had days I didn't feel well. Then my ancestry/DNA kit came back that I had been waiting 8-10 weeks for. Excuses, you know?

I feel guilty for this, yes. I probably should feel guiltier, but I don't.

Guilt is a funny thing. It's a form of manipulation or gaslighting our "loved" ones or friends put upon us when we are helpless. That seed of doubt. The mistrust of yourself; making you feel selfish, ungrateful, or foolish for wanting something extra just as an example.

And then you know what happens? The treatment done by others, becomes a learned response that you begin doing to yourself. I was told how ungrateful I was being during my childhood, I should basically just shut up, take the neglect, emotional and physical abuse and even be happy that I had the roof over my head and got new school clothes.

Those of us brought up in environments like this are conditioned to be co-dependents.

The way I see it, we can either push everyone away and hold them at arms distance because our lack of trust in others (another byproduct of our environment) or fix the broken we see in everyone else. Maybe it's easier than addressing what needs to be fixed in ourselves.

It's interesting, isn't it? I feel I am getting off my topic of guilt, but I am just going to go with my train of thought here. See where this leads me. Perhaps I can tie it back to guilt. After all, I have always said there have been two thing my life has always been ruled by. But always first by someone else. Guilt being one.

But I wonder... Are you co-dependent? Have you ever struggled with it? Perhaps you are a "recovering" co-dependent. that term makes me chuckle a little. Perhaps you have or feel you have a hybrid form of co-dependency, (because we are weird and sometimes it's just hard to define us & feel like we are understood).

I did not grow up around addiction per se. I grew up around self righteousness, selfish, angry assholes who neglected their responsibilities of parenthood onto others. I grew up around extreme dysfunction where I was controlled into submission and even jealousy by an imaginary granddaughter name "Debbie H****" who was as mysterious, good and as invisible as Santa Claus. They used her to manipulate the little child in me. Soon other family members would tease me about her. They talked about her as if she were real. I remember when I moved to England as a preteen, my grandfather wrote me once (and it was so special getting a letter from him) where he spoke about her in the letter. Sometimes I feel like there is this access of evil that runs through my family with all that has occurred to me, my mother and my aunt. But the part of me that loves my grandparents ferociously wants to defend that they had no idea what they were doing; the damage this could have caused. Could it?

I lay in bed at night sometimes and I think about perhaps something I said, or didn't say, or how a situation was handled and I persevere on the subject and how it may impact my children especially. But I do this with everyone. This is where guilt gets me. I just want to make people happy. Even if it means I'm not.

The last few years I have gotten much better with this, but this has been my downfall. I put others needs before my own. Their worth, their needs take priority over mine. Another learned behavior. I've always had to. Growing up my voice never counted. My feeling never counted. I guess I learned to push it down. There were times when I would show emotion and was told I wasn't allowed to cry or feel sad or angry about something. But I AM an emotional person. I honestly don't know how I survived my childhood and teen years being so neglected and emotionally and physically abused. I begin to detach and I ponder upon this. I fiddle with my lip. I stare off at the area rug in front of me in the distance and it becomes a blur and soft sounds of Pandora radio with cars passing by with loud sounds of birds chirping become my focus, but I am not there. I have awareness. I can come back. I have control. It scares me some and I realize this is where I probably should stop and look over the link my therapist gave me last week on what to do on staying in this present and not detaching - I want to push through, however.

It's like those moments when you are trying to concentrate, i.e. write because maybe you have a deadline and maybe you have ADHD, which I do. (could be an effect of this, but I did take my meds today... huge squirrel moment!!) As I was saying, perhaps you have ADHD, or are distracted or you are just a deep thinker and you suddenly stop mid-sentence, stare off into space and think about something - deeply, almost trancelike. You might be 'lost' for a few moments. Perhaps it may take someone snapping their fingers or tapping you on the shoulder and saying, "Ground Control to Major Tom" (if your name was Major Tom). Talk about HUGE squirrel moment. I am not sure why I felt the need to go off on a tangent describing all of this in such great lengths when my focus should be on guilt.

I saw something the other day on Facebook in the form of a quote meme that bothered me a little. I know a lot of people will agree with it. It said:

"You're responsible for how long you let what hurt you, haunt you."

Obviously the person who wrote this has never faced complex trauma. They obviously don't understand it. We didn't ask for any of this. None of this has been our choice. If we are in therapy seeking help, that is our choice. But do you know how many times I have been in therapy? I had reached a point where I felt that my only alternatives were a life of unhappiness which I couldn't bear to live, or death. I felt beyond broken. And I have only to this point talked about small pieces of my childhood which is already so fragmented because of my memory or a self preservation mechanism. Because I have tried therapy so many times in the past and cannot get passed my past, it is hard not to feel hopeless and dejected. I don't want to play the victim card, because all of us who have been through what we have are survivors, not victims. Seeing the above quote written by some person with no understanding only makes those who have tried and tried again and again feel guilty, like it is their fault.

I recognize a pattern within myself. I have created this illustration to describe the pattern.

With guilt comes obligation, doesn't it? To fulfill promises you made to others, even if you don't want to go along anymore. Vagueness suits me here. It could be anything. You choose.

Moms especially (or any parent) know a thing or two about guilt. We have to juggle so much. We willingly and gladly put their needs before our own. But when they start growing up and it's time to start with self-care, going out, an occasional splurge on self, talk about guilt!!! I have such buyers remorse when I have spent anything on myself. Guilt and worth go hand in hand for me. I returned my birthday present this year. I actually return many of my gifts. I feel guilty for accepting them. Like I am unworthy of them. Especially if someone is giving it to me. If I go out and buy myself a new pair of earrings or shirt, it’s less guilt inducing for me. Weird, huh? I might have to put some thought into that.

Like I have discussed with my therapist, what I know intellectually and in my heart, or viscerally, are two separate matters. I have enough insight or common sense to know I shouldn't feel guilt over X, yet deep down no matter what I know or tell myself, I still feel guilty, or unworthy. Is this a case of "the heart feels what the heart feels?" Or is this conditioning mixed in with good insight or mixed in with results of therapy that knows it on a level that I believe but I just can't stop feeling? Where does that line get drawn? The line between belief and feeling?

I think I am babbling now and I am going nowhere productive with my thoughts. I feel there is so much left unsaid. In fact I know there is. My thoughts feel muddled. It's as if when I'm sitting here in my chair writing, I can almost picture an Indy 500 race car shooting out from my brain like some kind of Peter Gabriel video going in dozen of different directions almost simultaneously with contrails following them. Maybe some things are better left unsaid, huh?

For now guilt shall march on...

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