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neverdoingmuch · 3 years

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now hear me out,,, an au where lan wangji is an editor who works for an erotica publisher and wei wuxian is essentially chuck tingle. (also lwj writes romance novels on the side)

wei wuxian didn’t plan to write erotica he wants to make that really clear, he was actually studying like biomed or something equally “oh wow my parents can brag to the other parents about this”

but, as frequently happens in wwx’s life, he got drunk with nhs, like really drunk and they woke up the next morning with a laptop on the floor beside them and loose paper strewn everywhere

they don’t really remember what they were doing or thinking last night but they’ve both drawn a bunch of really shitty and weird porn (the less said about the anthropomorphic version of wen chao’s pet turtle the better) and wei wuxian has like 20,000 words of an erotica story on his laptop

when he starts reading it, at first he’s like haha what the fuck this is so weird but then it turned out to be really good??? and nhs blushed at some of the ~sexy~ scenes so that’s how wwx knew he was writing the good stuff

anyway they’re sitting there, eating their hangover food and wei wuxian goes so uh my story was good right? and nhs is like yeah it was, top stuff i would buy it and wei wuxian goes what if i actually wrote it,,, haha just kidding,,,,, unless?

and in his defence he doesn’t actually write anything for the story for another like three months but then he finds himself in the middle of exam season and he’s like fuck it stress relief let’s write some erotica

he finishes the book and his exams (which he does well in but whatever) and then spends his summer holidays editing the book

when he comes back, he slaps down a paper copy on nhs’ desk and is like i finished it. nhs, thinking he meant his latest lab write up, opens it up to a random page and starts reading it out loud which was a Mistake

he trails off mid-sentence, and whips around to glare at wwx with all the wrath he can muster. it’s raunchy nhs says and just read it wwx tells him so nhs does

like 2 hours later nhs turns to him and says if it wasnt for you and the librarian staring at me the whole time i definitely would’ve felt something and wwx is like so it’s good? and nhs is like fuck yeah it is but i dont get what you want from me?

pretty much wwx passed out after exams, slept for like 20 hours and then woke up and went i should publish this and decided that nhs should draw the cover art.

nhs agrees of course and a month later wwx self-publishes bc there’s no way he can walk into a publishing house with his porn and not just combust on the spot and he decides to go by the name yiling patriarch

wwx clicks the final button to upload the fic and nhs just toasts him and goes yknow what,, this is the closest you’ve ever gotten to having sex and i’m proud of you

wei wuxian is the man who guarded his first kiss for the first twenty years of his life for someone special,,,, wwx definitely wants his first time to be special and there’s no way he’s putting out for someone he doesn’t think is important & despite having dated before, he’s never gotten close enough to someone to go yeah let’s do it so our boy is still a virgin

so wwx’s entire erotica writing inspiration comes from porn, nhs’ way too in-depth answers as to how his latest date went and uh more porn

wwx blusters about a bit bc how is he meant to respond to that and nhs is like maybe you’ll finally move on from reading those trashy romance novels and read something more exciting and wwx is like how dare you call them trashy!! hanguang-jun is a master of the romance novels!! he understands the heart in a way that no other person has ever!!

and nhs just chugs a bunch of wine and is like yeah hon okay, do you still blush when the main characters hold hands? and wwx is like no! of course not! (it’s a lie, he blushes a lot)

so nothing really happens with the book at first and wwx forgets about it for the most part but then he wakes up one morning and he’s got an extra like RMB 1000 (i dont actually know much about currency so it’s roughly $200 if my quick interneting is legit)

wwx is like wtf? and once he finds out it’s from his novel he’s doubly like wtf? but then he finds out that someone had purchased his book and did a dramatic reading on youtube bc wwx decided that regular erotica was boring and decided to make it satirical or whatever and people loved it??

he’s got nothing better to do so he just goes hm yeah remember that Author i dated who had an “incredible idea that would absolutely amaze The Critics and helped explore his own convoluted mind” let’s make something of that and he writes another book kinda mocking that idea in a very horny way.

he publishes it and someone writes a review of his two books on their blog and now he’s actually starting to get popular - he’s got more money from those two books than he did by working at the local cafe for the whole week

wwx is poor and broke and semi-disowned anyway by this point so he goes fuck it and spends every moment he’s not studying writing erotica.

he publishes another like five books by the time the year is out (i know the maths isnt working here but this is a book world where wwx can just do that via the power of loneliness and friends who egg you on)

also?? he varies his books. some of them are porn parody things a la chuck tingle and some of them are genuine porn and one book was just him writing a recipe book but making it sound as horny as possible

by the time he’s published his like 8th book or so he starts getting reviews that are critiquing his book and most of them boil down to the fact that he needs an editor or something

he ends up asking nhs for help and he’s like oh sweet my brother’s boyfriend works for a publisher who does that sort of thing

cloud recesses actually specialises in erotica and i hate the idea that lqr has spent years reading and editing erotica but sacrifices must be made

(side note that i know nothing about the writing or publishing process so pls don’t judge me too harshly)

wwx goes in with his latest manuscript and ends up arriving like ten minutes late, he rushes into the room sweaty and hot, takes one look at the guy sitting on the other side of the desk, flushes an even brighter red and runs back out of the room. he checks the plaque on the door and walks back in slowly and goes hm i didnt expect you to be so hot

cue lan wangji

lwj has always enjoyed being an editor. what do editor do specifically? idk? edit? regardless, he enjoys it.

while most of the time he’s happy working from this side of things he also likes writing

lwj fucks. he deserves it tbh. but, while he’s had a tonne of one night stands and fuckbuddies, he’s never actually dated someone. so the fact that he’s writing romance novels under the pseudonym hanguang-jun makes his friend jzx laugh a lot

he tried writing porn once and he just couldn’t do it. it was always too clinical or vague and lacked any actual passion bc he was always going oh okay mc sucks a dick but the guy i slept with last week was like a 6.4/10 when it came to sucking dick so maybe mc should also be bad at it or whatever and it just ends up falling apart,,,, but romance he can do

as an editor lwj has pretty high standards for good erotica but he’s really found himself enjoying yiling patriarch’s work even though he’s clearly just been editing himself so when the guy sent cloud recesses an email asking whether they’d be interested in his latest book lwj was ecstatic.

he also didnt expect wwx to be so hot

anyway,,, we now get to enjoy a week of lwj thinking that wwx is super hot but even more annoying and then him deciding that annoying is hot and now wwx is just absolutely amazing and wwx is just panicking the entire time

i want my publisher to rail me so hard wwx texts nhs and nhs just responds has he read the bdsm scene with the alien who has a tentacle dick and a knot yet? and wwx is like no??? nhs just goes shame, it will give him so ideas for if you ever grow a backbone and just ask him out

they publish one book together and nothing happened between them the entire time other than yearning and horniness,, of the heart and body.

when wwx realises this means that he won’t get to see lwj again he immediately writes a new book and like a month later he’s back in lwj’s office, lying on his couch while whining about the cafeteria prices at university

lwj is very enamoured by the fact that wwx is writing erotica and studying biomed bc wow

they do this for like another three books and wwx’s eroticas evolve from here’s a dinosaur man fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on to be like here’s a dinosaur man with black hair and golden eyes and a stern look to his face fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on

and hanguang-jun’s latest book?? i dont want to say that this au’s version of wangxian is hanguang-jun finally finding inspiration to write porn (his muse is wwx of course) and writing the most amazing porn with feelings and plot novel ever,, but it is.

wwx read it five times in the first week and when nhs finally tried to read it he was like uhhh wwx are you a narcissist, the love interest is exactly like you? and wwx is like ??? no???? he’s nothing like me??

anyway one day wwx gets called into lxc’s office and lxc is like so i’ve read your latest book (not the dinosaur man, a serious one with like normal people and not overly humorous thank fuck but still full of lwj yearning) and wwx is like okay? and lxc goes yes, see i was worried that you didn’t care very much for my brother but after reading your book i’m not so sure and wwx gets the weirdest shovel talk ever which is interspersed with like compliments for his porn writing skills

anyway lxc accidentally mentions that lwj writes books too and before he can take it back wwx is like who??? and lxc is like are you fucking stupid?? you told lwj to his face that you loved his books,,, he broke his theme of tender romance to write kinky sex with a character that’s a lot like you and wwx is like .,,,,,,,,, hanguang-jun??? HANGUANG-JUN???!!

lxc barely manages to confirm it before wwx is sprinting out of his office and across to find lwj.

regretfully for everyone else, lwj is in the lobby so thirty people get to hear it when wwx comes in and shouts LAN ZHAN!! back then, i really wanted write porn about you! ... i think i have actually? but i want to write porn about you and i want to be able to do the research to make it accurate! and i also want to go on dates and hold hands and feed each other food! and i love you a lot!

lwj is dying inside bc his brother’s bf is there, his uncle is currently waiting for the elevators and a whole bunch of staff are also there but also wwx likes him??? dinosaur man was lwj??

he goes over and they make out for a really long time right there in the middle of the lobby but no one wants to get between them when they’ve been pining for so long

after that they start dating and they do all the romantic stuff but also,, let’s just say that the next book wwx publishes is a lot more creative than all of his previous books

and they become some writing power couple with horniness of the heart and body and sometimes wwx will be like hey lwj i don’t really know how the logistics of this sex scene will work and lwj will be like we could try it out ourselves? and wwx just pats him on the head and is like im sorry but you dont have enough dicks for it to work ),: better luck next time

#mdzs #modao zushi #wangxian #wei wuxian #lan wangji #im so sorry everyone #i just got the idea and it wouldnt leave me alone #cql #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #have i read any erotica? no. have i read any chuck tingle? also no. am i an editor? no #so this is gonna be very shit #this is why people should be sending me prompts instead of me just writin shit myself #nsfw-ish?

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gayspock · 5 years

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me: anyway im gonna stop ranting about doctor who

me: but also here’s my latest ramble

each time ive tried ranting about some of these more recent instalments (”recent” - s7 onwards,which isnt but listen) of new who, ive deleted them and screamed because i’d end up following extremely long, convoluted tangents - ones even too convoluted for, like, me rambling under a read more. see, the thing is?? everything is so.. interwoven- the faults, feeding into other faults- and its HARD to describe why its so . Eh! sometimes because for one, im awful with words and for two there’s a lot, but also barely anything, and i think thats actually a good description in of itself with whats wrong???

LIKE personally ithink... mid season 6 is perhaps the place where i think it starts going downhill. perhaps thats just because i loathe A Good Man goes to War because its the beginning of just that. what could have been a momentous episode ultimately fell flat, through sloppiness. honestly, i think that would have been an epic climax just there, for all the reasons the end of s4 was - all of the experiences the doctor went through, finally being reaped, as all people he’s saved and befriended come back to help him and the whole thing SHOULD coalesce beautifullu but instead it had so many fallbacks. like.... jenny/strax/vastra who i all adore as a dynamic, and want more of, but they dont makeSENSE to appear as mains - not when the doctor has 6 seasons (+26 more, if you really reached) of actual content to draw from. why would you bring in characters we have no emotional connection with? as fodder would be fine, but to have them... be centre stage was so weird and its LITTLE things like that and in the very way the grandiosity COULD have coalesced in that episode, instead its the absolute opposite in all these tiny details seem to band together and drag it down.

insteadthe execution feels increasingly hollow, and stale and i think thats, like, very much a signature fault of moffats writing (other than the sleazebag perv undertones, lmao) because he keeps doingthis thing where hes so overly ambitious with doctor who - and the nature of the show is somemthing i could ramlble aimlessly about, and get nowher in another read more somewhere, just like ia m now, but LISTEN!!! liek doctorwho is s- AND I HAD TO BACKSPACE EVERYTHING I WROTE, because this keeps devolving into that aforementioned, aimless rant about the nature of who but LISTEN.

point is, moffat attempts to create a masterpiece with that just in mind. you know, like, when that happens? i hate trying to knock on ppl bc i realise this is a statement in reference to many ppl- andsorry, like. tbh i dont care how ppl write for the most part, bc they caan Do their thing but sometimes llike.... YOU KNOW those people who sometimes write, and theyre oh so fixated on the product rather than actually telling a narrative? RPing (since, like, RPing when i was 10) wise, ive met many people who, when constructing a characters backstory, would try to make “the angsiest, most heartbreaking, SADDEST THING IN THE WORLD :’’(” and rather than focussing on the actual narrative, they’d fixate on that????? like moffat... DOES that. he tries to make something extremely clever; he sits himself down, and he thinks WHATS GOING TO REALLY, REALLY SHOCK PEOPLE? perhaps that works for people- but the whole reverse engineering from the effect i want, and working backwards sometimes, often, loses sight of itself, and all the potential of wht COULD have been an awesome narrative is... AGAIN, HOLLOW? because somewhere along the line, he forgot to...actually write the story, and to give us something to feel for and to be wowed by and instead made it more his mission to tangle up a ball of messy plot-string to make us go WOW! :3 and even that . just falls FLAT in the end

s7 clara the-impossible-giirl is the epitome of jsut that- a character who exists to serve that eventual payoff, except it isnt much of a payoff when she makes the sacrifice to save everything because they ... REALLY DID just forget to give her a personality and her life outside the tardis- like.. THE FACT THEY DIDNT SHOW THAT SHE WAS A TEACHER UNTIL S8 WAS SO, SO FUCKING WILD. really wild. she just needed something- more motivation- a purpose for her to exist other tha the fact [jazz hands] SHE’S AN ENIGGMAAAA, BABEY! which really wasnt helped at all by the fact she has NO chemistry with smith

and clara.... well, in my opinion she improves?? over time, until the end at least. like she was BETTER with capaldi, in my opinion, as they had more of a... relationshpthat complimented each other and a dynamic that was far more refeshing and something newer but also very reminiscent of old who with the SACE GRANDAD kinda energy going on but also her bringing him down when he was Like That, and him bringing her down when she was Like That- and season 9, where she tries becoming the doctor is something else i would REALLY enjoy (untl they ruined it) but still there was still always that element of quite missing the mark, because things were still off the mar but i dont think AS bad-i think s7 was the peak of everythings a fucking mess and s8&s9 are variable and i think i have to go into both of those? to really pick them apart, becase like...

speaking to s8, seeing more insight into clara’s actual.. YOU KNOW... LIFE and who she is as a teacher is a lot better and a lot of the time i just try to ignore the fact s7 even happened(because her existence... as a nanny... i cant remember if that EVER even comes babck up again, or if the fucking FAMILY SHE LIVED WITH FOR A YEAR EVEN MATTERS ANY MORE??? BECAUSE IT JUST- i think whats the worst about her (speaking as a whole) is the inconsistency, and she suddenly just BECOMES a teacher in s8 and thats now a big thing i guess??? what would have made more sense, would be if she was introduced as that in s7- and i think it would hve been beneficial then, too, and would have given her more depth then but instead it feels like theey just cobbled it together in s8 when they realised “god we didnt think about this!!” and the whole danny pink... thing. yoou know?personally, i believe i’d quite like the danny/clara conundrum a lot more if perhaps? instead of having them, UH, YOU KNOW!! just meet there and then in s8 and then him suddenly becoming her whole life, like- it wouldd have been.... easier if they were already dating in s7??? which would have mde her devotion to him all he more ... realistic. what i was thinking was perhaps she’s instead whisked away from him in s7, and then cmes back in s8 and he’s. also MORE in focus? like i think he was cclose to actually being a good facet of the show, and i like the conflict and conversation between both him and the doctor- him forcing the doctor to, like, wake the fuck up about some shit- but i think it would have been more effective if he had a greater present and came along once or twie into more episodes and then maybe it would have felt like his death was also. a loss and not just a plot device you know and - IM RAMBLING HERE IM SORRY IM LSOJGN STEAM AND IM JUST MAD BUT I THINK. LISTEN.

S9. I NEED TO RAMBLE ABOUT S9 TOMORROW WHEN IM NOT DEAD BC THATS WHAT THIS STARTED OFF OUT AND SPOILE RALERT I LIKE WHAT S9 WAS TRYING TO DO BUT I PERSONALLY THINK THE WHOLE THING SHOULD HAVE BEEN RESTRUCTURED, AND-

#egg.txt #also i just burst into tears thinking about donna noble #dw liveblog #thats me right now

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