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#and when im bored i often get depressed. or maybe its bc of the sader games i was playing.
pizzapizzadickz
ยท
2 years
Text
.
#diary
#personal
#drugs tw
#high
#hm. so it seems 10 mg really doesnt get me where i want anymore (aka absolutely obliterated). it just sorta lifts me up a bit
#and like make me feel a bit more fuzzy. i can still think quite well but i just dont care so much. like. i am still definitely high.
#but i retain all reasoning and just feel a bit better. maybe that was for the best. when i lose all reasoning its not always good.
#suicidal ideation
#...not that im doing all that good now. im so fucking tired. i dont know whats happened but i just. dont wanna be alive rn.
#like. idk. i just. wanna sleep forever again ig. haha. not that this is unexpected. i pushed myseld too far yesterday
#so im likely tired and such. which then causes me to get bored bc i dont wanna undertake anything big
#and when im bored i often get depressed. or maybe its bc of the sader games i was playing.
#self harm
#disordered eating
#i like. sorta still wanna hurt myself. like. even while sober ive been holding back the last couple days. i wanna give up.
#i just like. had some chips and sweets and plums and it was good but. if only i could just. get it all out haha
#im terrfied of vomiting tho. its quite scary and sorta dangerous for me as i have large tonsils...
#...im a bit scared of working later this week....
#i hope i can keep it all together... i really do.
#its gonna be painful again tho. not that i can help it.
#i hope i can maybe find a therapist soon or something. or maybe i dont need it afterall...
#...i dont know if i should see one while im still like this... but i dont know if i can really figure out how to make shit normal again tbh
#haaah im tired. im just gonna chill and then sleep. like i wanted.
#...i feel very alone sometimes. like. nothing exists. like i dont exist. i feel like im watching through a screen.
#depersonalization
#derealization
#if nothings real nothing mattwrs. if im not real i dont matter.
#just. id rather sleep. thats all. im tired of this fake real world. id rather be in the fake world of my own creation
#things arent nessisarily better than here. but id rather be anywhere but here.
#if only i could sleep forever. to be silent forever.
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