#i like. sorta still wanna hurt myself. like. even while sober ive been holding back the last couple days. i wanna give up.

[pizzapizzadickz]

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#diary #personal #drugs tw #high #hm. so it seems 10 mg really doesnt get me where i want anymore (aka absolutely obliterated). it just sorta lifts me up a bit #and like make me feel a bit more fuzzy. i can still think quite well but i just dont care so much. like. i am still definitely high. #but i retain all reasoning and just feel a bit better. maybe that was for the best. when i lose all reasoning its not always good. #suicidal ideation #...not that im doing all that good now. im so fucking tired. i dont know whats happened but i just. dont wanna be alive rn. #like. idk. i just. wanna sleep forever again ig. haha. not that this is unexpected. i pushed myseld too far yesterday #so im likely tired and such. which then causes me to get bored bc i dont wanna undertake anything big #and when im bored i often get depressed. or maybe its bc of the sader games i was playing. #self harm #disordered eating #i like. sorta still wanna hurt myself. like. even while sober ive been holding back the last couple days. i wanna give up. #i just like. had some chips and sweets and plums and it was good but. if only i could just. get it all out haha #im terrfied of vomiting tho. its quite scary and sorta dangerous for me as i have large tonsils... #...im a bit scared of working later this week.... #i hope i can keep it all together... i really do. #its gonna be painful again tho. not that i can help it. #i hope i can maybe find a therapist soon or something. or maybe i dont need it afterall... #...i dont know if i should see one while im still like this... but i dont know if i can really figure out how to make shit normal again tbh #haaah im tired. im just gonna chill and then sleep. like i wanted. #...i feel very alone sometimes. like. nothing exists. like i dont exist. i feel like im watching through a screen. #depersonalization #derealization #if nothings real nothing mattwrs. if im not real i dont matter. #just. id rather sleep. thats all. im tired of this fake real world. id rather be in the fake world of my own creation #things arent nessisarily better than here. but id rather be anywhere but here. #if only i could sleep forever. to be silent forever.