#anything regarding to fire in real life scares me; I cannot imagine myself surviving in one

[playawner]

Please, don't ignore what's happening in Chile right now. The fires has been invading our cities, our regions, and has taken many nature as well as people and houses. No person deserves to lose their house, their relatives, their pets, or EVEN their own life.

I myself saw the fires when it happened, they nearly went to my own house. I was able to see the smoke and fire at my own windows. It was bad until the point where we didn't had light for a day and internet for entire days, with terrible signal instead. If it wasn't for the wind, or for the firefighters and support attending in time, I would probably be homeless right now. Either that, or just dead.

We need your support, our cities are currently in danger by the ranging wildfires, and it is confirmed to be more terrible than any past events we had before. Any support is appreciated, even by just bringing small awaraness!

If you are Chilean, you can donate to the firefighters via BancoEstado, is at the first option in the reccomended foundations at the moment. I believe someone also made a paypal for people who aren't from Chile, if you have the link you can send it in reblogs!

Spanish translation below cut:

Por favor, no ignoren lo que está pasando en Chile. Los incendios han estado invadiento nuestras ciudades, nuestras regiones, y han quitado nuestra naturaleza, gente y hogares. Ninguna persona merece perder su casa, sus parientes, sus mascotas, o INCLUSO su propia vida.

Yo mismo ví el fuego cuando ocurrió. Casi llegó hacia mi propia casa. Podía ver el humo y el fuego en mis propias ventanas. Fue tan terrible que no tuvimos luz por un día ni internet por varios días, con terrible señal. Si no fuera por el viento, o por los bomberos y la atención hacía este a tiempo, lo más probable es que estuviera en la calle ahora. Eso o que estuviera muerto.

Necesitamos tu apoyo, nuestras ciudades corren peligro, y se ha confirmado que es más catastrófico que cualquier otro evento que tuvimos en el pasado. Cualquier apoyo es apreciado, incluso teniendo algo de conciencia!

Si eres Chileno/a, puedes donar a los bomberos en BancoEstado. Es en la primera opción en las fundaciones recomendadas por ahora. Yo creo que alguién también hizo un paypal para las personas que no viven en Chile, si tienen el link puedes mandarlo en los reblogs!

#sorry for serious and non-fandom post. #I just. Really hope people will aknowledge this #I nearly lost my house in the fire #As someone who has been in Chile for his entire life I am deeply affected by the wildfires #anything regarding to fire in real life scares me; I cannot imagine myself surviving in one #and seeing my ACTUAL classmates; friends AND relatives losing their houses and/or other friends/relatives/etc is very disheartening #zash's stuff #important #Chile #Chilean artist #Wildfire #fire mention #fire #wildfire mention #death mention #Chile is on fire #chile tumblr #I may be a small acc on tumblr. And english heavy. Pero sigo siendo de mi país y siempre lo fuí de nacimiento

[an-angels-blessing]

Song Prompts #1

“Will nature make a man of me yet?”- The Smiths, This Charming Man

“If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?”- Lynyrd Skynyrd, Free Bird

“When my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold dark earth. No grave can hold my body down, I’ll crawl home to her.”- Hozier, Work Song

“I don’t think that we should be alone together, when we’re in a room you get my eyes, you open your mouth I’m hypnotised”- The Neighbourhood, Single

“She looks as if she’s blowing a kiss at me and suddenly the sky is a scissor”- Arctic Monkeys, That’s where you’re wrong

“You think you want to be alone, just wait until you’re crying on the shower floor”

“They’ve got a pretty face, but they’ve got a pretty empty head.”

“But how the hell do you fall in love, the last time I checked you can’t fall in slow mo”- LANY- The Breakup *There were too many good ones in this song, I couldn’t help myself*

“I know it’s mad, but if I go to hell will you go with me or just leave?” - Panic! At The Disco, Do you know what I’m seeing?

“I don’t know who’s protecting me, but we hit it off”- Drake, Sandra’s Rose

“Do me a favour and break my nose, do me a favour and tell me to go away?”- Arctic monkeys, Do me a favour

“Baby just came back around, said she needs time to explore, said I can’t love her no more”- The Neighbourhood, Baby came home

“Just one mistake, you say you’re not in love no more, but was it really love if you can leave me for something so innocent is this the end?”- LANY, Thick and thin

“You can have Manhattan, I know it’s for the best, I’ll gather up the avenues and leave them on your doorstep. I’ll tiptoe away so you won’t have to say you heard me leave.”

“You can have Manhattan, the one we used to share, the one where we were laughing and drunk on just being there. Hang onto the reverie, could you do that for me?”- Sara Bareilles, Manhattan

“You don’t love me, big fucking deal, I’ll never tell you how I feel.”

“I’ll send my best regards from Hell”- Marina and the Diamonds, Starring Role

“I been writing these songs ‘bout how I can’t be with you. I don’t want to be a monster, but I’ve been here for days, drinking too much now I want you, can’t get you off my brain.”- Henry, Monster, Eng. version

“Change lives, get better, yeah that be the plan”

“That’s why you see me winning, yeah, even after I lose”- Jay Park, Ask bout me

“Love is not looking over shoulders, Love is you should trust what I told you”

“Love is not struggling to say I love you”- 6LACK, Disconnect

“All these people taking miles when you give them an inch, all these followers but who’s gonna follow me until the end?”- Drake, Emotionless

“She’s in the rain, you wanna hurt yourself I’ll stay with you, you wanna make yourself go through that pain, It’s better to be held than holding on,”- The Rose, She’s In The Rain *Absolutely love this one, don’t @ me, I will die for the The Rose**

“Sex by the fire at night”- Bruno Mars, That’s What I Like

“I’ve got the good side of you, sent it out into the blue.”- Troye Sivan, Good Side

“Standing by the window, rain falling, I want to have you full in my embrace and tell you, even when I’m born again and love you, even then, will you be with me?”- KREAM, 선물 Gift *Translated*

“It all passes, Someday, For sure, Certainly”- RM, ft. NELL, everythingoes *Translated*

“Please stay as long as you need, can’t promise that things won’t be broken, but I swear that I will never leave. Please stay forever with me”- Sleeping With Sirens, Scene One- James Dean & Audrey Hepburn

“When you move, I’m put to mind of all that I wanna be, when you move

I could never define all that you are to me”- Hozier, Movement

“Wake up and smell the coffee, is your cup half full or empty?”- Billie Eilish, come out and play

“Am I a bad person? Or am I just in pain?”- DEAN, Sulli, Rad Museum, Dayfly *Translated*

“Kiss me on the lips, a secret just between the two of us, deeply poisoned by the jail of you, I cannot worship anyone but you and I knew the grail was poisoned but I drank it anyway”- BTS, Blood Sweat & Tears *Translated*

“When the sun sets and darkness comes, I only remember your warmth, where the stars wrap around us. I’m going there, I’ll be there”- SEVENTEEN, Highlight *Translated*

“I don’t ever wanna feel like anything I do ever had a fucking resonance or meant a thing to you.”- Frank Carter & The Rattlesnakes, I Hate You

“You can’t take this away from me, the way I hit the melody, the waves bring clarity, running through me”- Tom Misch, Del La Soul, It Runs Through Me

“It was a lie when they smiled and said you won’t feel a thing”- My Chemical Romance, Disenchanted

“The fog has lifted and things get clear, all the lies pass by like a reel of film. I hate you”- EXO, 내가 미쳐 (Going Crazy) *Translated*

“I’m sorry- no, I’m not sorry, I’m just getting started and my life’s a party”- DEAN, Eric Bellinger, I’m Not Sorry

“Ain’t it fun, living in the real world?”- Paramore, Ain’t It Fun

“Ready or not, we are coming back- yeah, we’re over, we can tell you ‘bout what you need. You can look it up when you’re older”- Evergreen, Cargo Cult

“You, you got so much potential, every moment spent with you I bet was always eventful”- Aminé, Kehlani, Heebiejeebies- Bonus

“Could you imagine the taste of your lips if we never tried to kiss on the drive to Queens? ‘Cause I imagine the weight of your ribs if you lied between my hips in the backseat”- Halsey, Roman Holiday

“Forever isn’t for everyone, is forever for you?”- Arctic Monkeys, Snap Out Of It

“Wish you good luck being lonely, I’mma push red every time you phone me. You vow to be a memory”- Ella Mai, ft. Ty Dolla $ign, She Don’t

“I’ve been dazed and confused from the day I met you, yeah I lost my head and I’d do it again”- Ruel, Dazed & Confused

“I just want you closer, is that alright? Baby let’s get closer tonight”- Paolo Nutini, Last request

“You have no idea how pretty you are when you wake from sleep, you have no idea how beautiful you look as you get ready for bed”- Zion.T, No Makeup *Translated*

“I was thinking I could fly to your hotel tonight, baby, ‘cos I can’t get you off my mind”- Shawn Mendes, Lost In Japan

“She’s soothing like the ocean rushing on the sand, she takes care of me, baby, she helps me be a better man. She’s so beautiful, sometimes I stop to close my eyes, she’s exactly what I need”- Jeremy Passion, Lemonade

“And her lips are like the galaxy’s edge and her kiss the colour of a constellation falling into place”- Arctic Monkeys, Arabella

“It’s how you look, not how you feel. A city of glass with no heart”- Queens of the Stone Age, If I Had a Tail

“I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife”- Hozier, Take Me To Church

“Bitter and hardened heart, Oh, aching- waiting for life to start”- Keane, Bend & Break

“When you move I’m put to mind of all that I wanna be, when you move I could never define all that you are to me”- Hozier, Movement

“She said, ‘Baby, I’m afraid to fall in love, 'cause what if it’s not reciprocated?’ I told her, ‘Don’t rush girl, don’t you rush, guess it’s all a game of patience.’”- Pink Sweat$, Honesty

“Share a casket with you, we’ll be buried alive, me and her playing truth ‘til the day we die.”- Granata Ft. Phoniks, You Dont Need Me

“And hope that I had survived yesterday, and today is jealous of tomorrow.”- Emeli Sandé, Breathing Underwater

“Heaven if you sent us down so we could build a playground for the sinners to play as saints, you’d be so proud of what we’ve made.” Stephen, Crossfire

“Tell me how do you cope with it? How do you sleep with yourself at night? How do you cope with it? How do you sleep with yourself at night?”- blackbear, make daddy proud

“If anyone looks perfect, you look perfect next to me.”- Nick Wilson, Obsolete

“When I meet you after time passes, I’ll know (you were my future), I’ll know (I was your yesterday). When I meet you after time passes, I’ll know (you protected me), I’ll know (I desired you).”- SEVENTEEN (Wen Junhui & Xu Minghao), My I *Translated*

“I need my sex n’ drugs, I need my money first, bless me with all my sins.”- Abhi The Nomad, Ft. Harrison Sands & Copper King, Sex ‘n Drugs

“Naked and fallin’ in love, look here I got you. Safe where there’s no one to judge, keep it insightful.”- Keiynan Lonsdale, Preach

“All alone, all we know is haunting me, making it harder to breathe, harder to breathe.”- The Neighbourhood, Leaving Tonight

“Now I see you get off of the subway, haven’t seen you in months but it’s okay. I’d forgotten but I feel the same, hate that I still wish you were…”- Claud, Wish You Were Gay

“A perfect stranger lying next to me, he’s playing God with broken figurines. He keeps calling me his little queen and I believe.”- Jake Wesley Rogers, Little Queen (This song deserves way more recognition, make sure to give it a listen!)

“Hell is so close to Heaven, hell is so close to Heaven. Hold on don’t look back, you know we’re better- we’re better than that. Lost and thrown away, you know we’re better- we’re better than that.”- Sleeping With Sirens, The Strays

“Alone tonight, I’m drawing my dreams across the sky farther than I can imagine- She wants it.”- CIX, Movie Star *Translated*

“Yeah I mixed words and some whiskey on the flight just to make sure I landed on time and I wrote me a song I could sing just in case I forgot everything.”- Marc E. Bassy, Last One I Love

“Don’t ask questions you don’t wanna know, learned my lesson way too long ago.”

“Deadly fever, please don’t ever break, be my reliever 'cause I don’t self medicate”- Billie Eilish, my strange addiction

“And it’s worth it, it’s divine, I have this some of the time.”- Hozier, Cherry Wine

“And I realize you’re mine, Indeed, a fool am I.”- Queens of the Stone Age, No One Knows

“Look in the mirror ‘til I forget everything I know, everything I did was just a way to make the time feel faster.”- Miya Folick, Stock Image

“Do you feel how I feel? Are you numb? Do you tread crystal waters, bound to be stung? Are you scared? If I see you, we’re upon,

will you dye your hair dark so you’re no longer blonde?”- Isaac Dunbar, Cologne

“Tell me; To you I’m bad & hurtful. Because I’ve been busy, you’re hurting. Bad, bad, bad, I’m bad, bad.”- Crush, NAPPA (나빠) *Translated*

“Just for the record, the weather today is slightly sarcastic with a good chance of: A. Indifference or B. disinterest to what the critics say.”- Panic! At The Disco, London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines

“‘Cause you don’t say what you feel, I’m the one driving but you take the wheel. You wanna wait, 'til we’re older, I’m the one who started this, but now I just want closure.”- Ieuan, Closure

“Our names carved in the pavement, sealed by what’s left of our handprints, now. I told my mom, she’d love to meet you, but it’s too bad she won’t get the chance to.”- COIN, Malibu 1992

“I’m running outta time to hold you close, running outta time to be your man. I’m just lost in this moment, I’ve been zoning.”- blackbear, 4u

“Standing on your mama’s porch, you told me that you’d wait forever. Oh and when you held my hand, I knew that it was now or never”- Bryan Adams, Summer Of ‘69

“I’ll go out, grow my hair too long, sing your least favourite songs at the top of my lungs. I’ll go out, kiss all of your friends, make a story and pretend it was me who made this end.”- The Vamps, Hair Too Long

“Getting my mind right, I’ll wait 'til the time’s right. I’m meaning to tell you why it’s hard to sleep at night. There’s nothing to fear now, girl, we should be here now. So why don’t you hear me out?”- Jeremy Zucker, Ft. blackbear, talk is overrated

“We haven’t spoke since you went away, comfortable silence is so overrated. Why won’t you ever be the first one to break? Even my phone misses your call, by the way.”- Harry Styles, From the Dining Table

“Look overhead at the stars and the ocean, foggy emotions, moments, erosion. This supernova could cause a commotion, my minds of the notion, you’ll still be my motive”- Ansel Elgort, Supernova

“I love that new dress you bought, yeah, you sure look nice. Heard you liked that new restaurant, you know, I’ve been there twice. And the way that you switch up your hair, all of the moments we’ve shared, strolling the streets back in Rome, oh, how I wish I was there. It ain’t fair.”- Ruel, Face To Face

“Welcome to your life, there’s no turning back. Even while we sleep we will find you acting on your best behaviour, turn your back on mother nature.”- Tear For Fears, Everybody Wants to Rule the World

“I’m wide awake, not losing any sleep, I picked up every piece and landed on my feet. I’m wide awake, need nothing to complete myself, no.” Katy Perry, Wide Awake

“If you don’t realize, all of the things your life can do you will be left behind, swept up by the storm of those you knew.”- Meltycanon, thankful

“I always knew that we’d be by each other’s side forever, now our time has come and I’d be satisfied if we died together. Yeah, our climate’s fucked, we might as well enjoy the weather, our time is up and I’d be satisfied if we died together.”- Samsa, Anthropocene

“There’s still so much to say, I’m faded, broken, pretending you’re on the line, wasting my time. Sinking deeper, watching you spend your night,

like I’ll be fine and I’ll be over this.”- NYK, Faded

“I’d rather go to hell, than be in purgatory, cut my hair, gag and bore me, pull this pin, let this world explode.”- My Chemical Romance, Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)

“I reached for a shooting star, it burned a hole through my hand

Made its way through my heart, had fun in the promised land.”- blink-182, Wishing Well

“Let go of your baggage, but don’t think I don’t understand it’s probably a challenge,”- Isaac Lewis, Fly

“It’s been a long night in New York city, it’s been a long night in Baton Rouge. I don’t remember you looking any better, but then again, I don’t remember you.”- John Mayer, Who Says

Prompts 101-119

#song prompts #prompts

[crystalwitch-in-the-tardis]

Crocodile Spirit Guide

The wonderful @clairvoyantclove did a reading for me the other day from their Animal Messages Oracle Deck and it was a very intense message and lesson that I am trying to integrate within myself currently. 

Crocodile said this:

The alchemy of energy teaches that death will always yield new life (He side eyes me, raises his chin, and begins to speak) Child you heal. That’s noble. But you can’t heal all things. That’s just not natural. You can’t heal yourself if you’re too stressed to relax. You can’t heal a patient who won’t accept your energy. And you can’t heal death. Death is a beast of its own accord; its own construct if you will. Some can assist with death by making the final blow, or helping the spirit continue it’s travels, but that’s not really your style. Nevertheless you have to accept it. Let it grow in your womb and realize without it, you wouldn’t be alive. You’d have nothing to heal. You’d have no drive to be as far as you are, and you’d never successfully get anywhere. Because, my dear, death is the final destination. And no matter how long you ride that train, it’s going to stop somewhere.I thank crocodile, he lowers his head, blinks, and slides away. 

In the moment of this reading it hit me so hard I knew this was something I had been avoiding, a lesson that had been trying to open me up for the past year. I have pulled the death card more the past year that I every have in the 5(?) years of doing tarot; the day of this reading my daily card was Death. I have also been surrounded by family and animal deaths this year. Loosing loved ones in close succession. Also the clients I’ve encountered the past year have challenged me as a healer and a person and there is a lesson within this that directly relates to at least one client in my life right now. 

Yesterday I meant to meditate on Crocodile and their message but I was exhausted from my long weekend and like they said, I can’t heal myself if I’m stressed out. So I chose to relax and veg out instead of straining myself to contact a spirit. 

But to begin to integrate Crocodile’s lesson and message I set up this grid/offering to Crocodile in the hopes they would help me with this. I set out my Death card (from the Shadowscapes Tarot deck), My special quartz points, a feather (it seemed right and I thought it would help speed the wind to bring this to Crocodile and him to me), and my tumbled piece of Crocodile Jasper. 

I knew I needed to meditate on this message today and see if I could contact Crocodile spirit. I decided to go outside and lay in my hammock which is like a cocoon because its one of those ENO parachute hammocks for two people.  I set up my crystal circle that I use whenever I do work where I ask spirits to come visit then got in the hammock and lay down. I took the Crocodile Jasper that I had put out with this little offering/grid and placed it on my third eye. I could not get into trance very well at first so I decided to try to go visit my astral home I had created last year. I’ve only visited it in my imagination as nothing is actually solid I’m just like, this is here, this is what it looks like, lol! It took me a few tries to get through the door, but I just focused on the stained glass moon phases panel set at the top of the door, pushed, and went inside. Once inside I saw how dusty and in disarray everything was. I felt really bad about not having taken better care of my astral home and plan to try to do more astral home visits (Which might actually help me get there in truth). I went to my, poor, giant quartz cluster on the wall and polished it till it was shiny and no longer covered in dust and spider webs (also in real life the spiders would not leave me alone at this point). I got things somewhat in order, then went and built a fire in the fire place.

Crocodile came to me out of the caves that lead off out of my cave/house and into different areas of the mountains my cave is in (I’ve not explored these yet and plan to, but the main thing is they lead off into different areas of astral or into myself).  He lead me down one and we were in a dark area, I did not see anything I felt damp darkness around me and it smelled of wet earth. I felt him start to circle me. He probed me a couple times with his head then he opened his mouth wide. I was kind of scared but kept telling my self this lesson is about death and you need to learn it. Just stay calm.

He breathed into my ear and then his mouth was around my head, crushing me. I didn’t feel pain so much as pressure and suffocation. He crushed harder with his mouth and my head started to turn inwards and my chin was touching my left shoulder. My body was getting crushed and turned in towards the left side and all the sudden I thought, this lesson is about W (my client who’s symptoms have made her body in the exact shape he is crushing me into). The pressure released and I could straighten up again. I sensed him saying, Yes. You can not do anything about death. You must learn to let go. Death is Death and you cannot stop it. You can ease the pain along the way but there is nothing you can do about the final destination.

I felt him move towards my side as I lay on the ground and then all the sudden his head went into my abdomen, right below the solar plexus area, but above the naval. He clawed his way inside me and before I could even move I saw his hind legs and tail scrabble through and he was filling me. (I had placed the crocodile jasper on my third eye and I felt part of him go into it , while still making himself small and filling me ). After a while I became a crocodile, I felt my tail whip and felt myself claw my way along a river bank, a heavy tread, feet sucking into and out of mud, belly muddy being pulled along the river’s edge. 

Something grabbed my leg and I jumped so hard that I startled myself back in to my physical body.  It took a few moments and then was able to get back into a trance and I was the crocodile again but I was fatally hurt. My whole left leg had been torn away. Up to part of my left hip and a big chunk had been taken out of my tail as well. I don’t know what did it. I assume another crocodile. As I lay there, I tried to drag my body away from the river. Eventually it was too much weight and I lay there, numb and in pain, my left lower body in tatters. I was still alive when the other crocodiles found me. They tore me apart. Ripping and rending flesh, legs were pulled apart from my body, head was broken from neck; they totally consumed me. As they did I felt a darkness come over me and Crocodile was there again. He said, life is death and death is life. It is a cycle you cannot escape from but you can find peace in embracing it. 

He let me drift back into my body and he seems to be hanging out near my crocodile jasper. I think he will be here if I need him or I need a reminder.

Overall I feel kind of numb and drifty, like I’ve been in the ocean too long and the water has washed me away. But I also feel at peace. My solar plexus and left hip are a little sore. And I think this is going to be a long lesson. 

I have since done some research on Crocodile as a spirit guide and this experience seems to connect with a lot of beliefs held around Crocodile. Some of the interesting things (to me) are:

Look for an opportunity to ingest new knowledge and wisdom. This totem animal contains all the unbridled creative forces of the world and the fury and ferocity of Primal Energies. It is the keeper and protector of all knowledge. Know that this is the beginning of a new period of growth and regeneration. Use breathing techniques to keep yourself balanced during this time of change and give yourself time to integrate all of the changes you are making in your life. Patience is key at the moment. x.

and

Alligator/Crocodile’s medicine includes maternal protection, primal energies, connection to mother earth, protection from manipulation, understanding deceit, revenge through patience, initiation, understanding weather, access to ancient knowledge, power to survive.

The Alligator/Crocodile has inhabited earth for millions of years. They bare the unstoppable, untameable creative forces of All That Is, the force and fury of primal energies. They symbolise creation and destruction and are the keepers and protectors of all knowledge. In many a myth and legend crocs/alligators are known as the keepers of ancient wisdom. When one of these creatures enters your life, look for an opportunity to touch very primal energies. There will be an opportunity for new knowledge and wisdom.

Concealing themselves in mud and water, the alligator/crocodile will wait patiently for unsuspecting prey to come by and quickly snap it up! They eat any animal they can get their snappers on, and if unable to swallow it whole, will tear it into bite size pieces. YUM! In spite of this, they don’t eat unnecessarily. Waste is not a part of their medicine.

The alligators/crocodiles eyes located high upon their heads, giving them the ability to stay pretty much hidden below water yet still see above it. Symbolically this suggests clairvoyant abilities. From these creatures we can learn how to be patient and appropriate timing, for the alligator/croc knows when to hide below the water, when to peak above it, or take action and snap.

Concealing themselves in the water links the croc/alligator to the emotional body of man. They contain the lesson of discovering and letting go of emotions hidden below the surface. In the wet season when water is high, the alligators/crocodiles dig deep burrows that in the dry season are wet alcoves to which they retreat. As well as this, the alcoves act as reservoirs from which other animals drink. Water is the giver, the blood, the nectar of life, and though the alligator/crocodiles may be regarded as fearless and fierce by most, the sharing of these reservoirs shows that the alligator/croc respect all life forms. x.

I will be working more with Crocodile in the future.

#spirit work #spirit guide #animal guides #lesson to be learned #trigger warning death #death #gruesome #crocodile #personal

[myaekingheart]

You know, I don’t care about having caught the flu. It happens. It makes sense. I was expecting to get it eventually anyways. What I do care about is what having the flu means. School, emetophobia, IBS, eating disorder recovery. I’ve already missed so many days of school, and the semester only began a month ago. But between my boyfriend being hospitalized and then stupidly taking a personal/mental health day, I feel like I kind of screwed myself over. Now here I am having to miss an entire week of school just because I had to contract the flu. Of fucking course. I”m going to get so behind and then right when I’m starting to feel even remotely better, I’m going to have to go back and get suckerpunched with all of this stupid fucking work. At this point I kind of wish I could just drop out, honestly. I‘m miserable and there’s been far too many setbacks so far this semester, I have no idea how i can even survive or pick up where I left off and succeed. Not only that, but I have so many other health problems that the flu just makes ten times worse. If I’m not nauseous from the flu itself, I’m nauseous from the medication I was prescribed. I refuse to throw up but I know that could be a very real possibility at this point. I had my boyfriend leave a bucket by my bed just in case because I don’t trust myself. I was feeling fine up until about 40mins ago when I started feeling the onset of an IBS flare-up (a flare-up, mind you, that led nowhere). But now I’m laying in bed and my mouth is dry and my stomach feels like it keeps flinching as if there’s a little monster in there (how I imagine pregnant people when their baby starts moving inside of them, or something to that effect) and I”m so motherfucking scared. I cannot get sick. I cannot get sick. I refuse to get sick.  don’t know if this is really happening, like if this is a very real symptom of the flu or the medication, or if this is just a result of overthinking because my boyfriend and his mother kept bringing up the very real possibility, even though every other time I’ve gotten the flu, I’ve never had stomach issues. “But this flu is different” they said. “This flu is dangerous” they said. i don’t even have the worst strain of it, the one that’s landed everyone in the hospital and killed off people. But still, that doesn’t mean a thing. I still feel miserable. I still feel terrified. My boyfriend was hounding me to eat (he wanted me to eat an entire Pub sub-- I don’t even eat an entire Pub sub on a normal day) but he doesn’t understand that that’s not that easy, not only because my appetite on the flu is shit but because I know eating means fueling the fire for v* and v* is something I cannot have. Not only that, but it also fuels the fire for IBS flare-ups which make me exponentially more miserable. Like it’s bad enough my entire body aches, I can’t breathe, and I keep coughing like crazy but on top of that, I have to mad constipation and explosive diarrhea, too? I call bullshit. And then there’s the matter of my eating disorder recovery. In a word, I feel defeated. A week ago, I stepped on the scale at the grcoery store and saw a way too low number for my liking. That was what gave me the kick in the ass I needed to start working towards really recovering from my eating disorder, because I told myself i”d never get so low or fall off the wagon like that ever again and yet here I was one pound away from my lowest weight ever. I was doing so good all week, too, packing lunches to take with me to campus and forcing myself to eat them every single day. And yet apparently that was not enough. Apparently trying my best isn’t good enough because once I got the flu, my appetite disappeared completely. I barely ate anything yesterday and today and I’ve suffered for it. I now weigh less than I did when I started this whole recovery bullshit and I feel so fucking defeated. Like I worked so hard and I thought I was making really good progress, only to find I am now lower than I was to begin with. That’s absolute bullshit and I fucking hate it. It makes me wonder what the fuck is even the point? Why work hard to recover when I‘m only going to get knocked down time and time again like this? If it’s not the flu, it’d be something else like typical college stress or a family emergency or something equally as stupid and intense. I know why I want to recover. I know what I”m risking losing if I don’t start taking accountability for my health. If I don’t nip this in the bud, I could lose my ability to ever have children. That is, if I haven’t already. I don’t even know if I’m already infertile after all the bullshit I’ve already put my body through over the years. I’ve been drastically underweight since childhood. I’ve never been healthy in that regard. For all I know, I could’ve been born with the inability to have children or have lost my fertility before I even started menstruating. I don’t fucking know. I hope one day I can find out but for now, I’m basically stuck in limbo wondering what’s possible and what’s not. Not that this is anything I”m looking to achieve immediately because I’m not. I can’t afford to have a baby right now, for financial reasons and otherwise. But I would at least like to know for the future, you know? I don’t want to fuck up my chances of becoming a mom somewhere down the line. That is, like I said, if I haven’t already. That fear weighs on me constantly, though, and even moreso now knowing how far back I’ve fallen and how dangerous this could get. I don’t know, there’s just so many fears weighing so heavily on my mind right now, I’m so fucking terrified of what’s going to happen to me and what this means for my schoolwork, my emetophobia, my IBS, my eating disorder. It’s all interlinked in those massive chain of responsibility and fear and fight for perfectionism and a numbness of sorts. I want to do incredible in school. I want to be able to eat without fear of v*. I want to be able to eat without my intestines ripping themselves apart for it. I want to be a healthy weight and live a healthy life and eventually have healthy children. I want to be healthy but it’s so hard when you’re not. I don’t know, maybe I‘m just overthinking everything but all I know is that I hate the way I feel right now and I just want to get better. 

#eating disorder recovery #emetophobia #ibs #actuallyirritable #ramblings