#anyway. speaking of ADHD. i have GOT to stop letting myself 'just check tumblr a little bit' while i'm waiting for the adderall to hit

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

idk if this is still the case but when i was really In It in animorphs feelings a couple years ago because i was unemployed for the first time in my adult life / temporarily living alone in the last house my family lived in / freaking out about climate change / generally Going Through It, and like poking around the animorphs scene on tumblr, there was this notion commonly expressed that rachel and tobias were "toxic," the major piece of evidence for which was the scene in 33 where she "tries to trap him in human morph." which like first of all i'm SOOOOOO SORRRY that the fucking fifteen-year-olds secretly fighting a guerrilla war in which their greatest threat is the mind-controlling slugs they're trying to save humanity from but their second greatest threat is the diminishing hourglass of their collective sanity as they all have to work steadily harder and more desperately to not just completely lose their shit entirely from all the violence and literal 24/7 constant threat and murder that is happening, like i'm sorry two literal children who have managed in this ongoing horror show to forge a bond of loyalty and affection and care and attraction and understanding that can act as a kind of solace neither of them have any other way to access, sorry those actual murder babies sometimes have some communication problems. lmao. but also it's insane to me that people read that scene (in which they're dancing to, i'm not making this up, iris by the goo goo dolls - i mean they don't tell us the song but it's a slow goo goo dolls number that even tobias knows, so - they're dancing to iris by the goo goo dolls at a school dance that is not going well because they are both awkward about the newfound public Officialness of their relationship and rachel who is the only one of them who has ever been capable of socializing like a normal person is in a particularly bad mood because of the emotional hangover of her starfish adventure [great concept executed terribly in the previous book], and then like after two entire minutes of letting himself feel some nice emotions tobias spots the clock and starts leaving to go demorph and then rachel runs after to him to awkwardly attempt to share that she is very fucked up about how insane she has become and she wants to hold on to things like school dances and also this is all happening in a hallway by a student poster on red tailed hawks that states their lifespan of a handful of years in the wild, it's so good) as rachel trying to trap tobias in morph, when like, first of all, "good thing happening -> time to punish myself for feeling nice for 5 whole seconds " is like THEE tobias thought pattern because he's the number one kidlit trauma baby of all time, like truly the first time i dove back into the series i was struck by how well his narrative voice captures Child Of Insane Family Dysfunctionality, he is NOT a reliable narrator on this, but also second, and more saliently, like, believing this scene is rachel attempting to trap tobias in morph requires that you believe rachel, all by herself, made a plan in advance and then attempted to execute it, which is a skill we literally never see her demonstrate even one fucking time outside of the comfortingly familiar hunting ground of the mall

#animorphs #i have a hard visceral aversion to personally adopting ADHD headcanons in general #(you do you idc about people's headcanons but like #this is one that reliably does not do it for me [person with ADHD] and which also often makes me feel weird for vague reasons #but again like this is not an Argument or a Criticism have your fun it's simply not for me) #BUT. someone once said they headcanon rachel as ADHD. #and that is... the ONLY time i have ever read that and been like 'oh wow no okay yeah that tracks' #which honestly thinking on it now i feel like sort of helps me articulate why i'm usually like 'her?' #bc i feel like i tend to see it as like 'this would be cute/relatable/fun to project on to' (you do you not for me) #or i see it based on like... a perception of general ADHD Vibes #which like. on the one hand i get. there can be Vibes. there's a reason the set of people i Enjoy A Lot has ADHD overrepresented on it. #but personally i am like. but where are the scenes of them ruining their own life for reasons attributable to ADHD traits #i don't personally get anything out of lumping people into a DSM category with me if they are not also constantly ruining their own lives #like i can just relate to them because we have similar Vibes. that's plenty. #but rachel................. #the scenes of rachel constantly ruining her own life because of her inability to think for 5 seconds before speaking or acting ever. like. #that's in every book rachel ever has #she literally has a line at one point like 'i don't know why i say these things. they just pop out of my stupid mouth.' girl same... #anyway. speaking of ADHD. i have GOT to stop letting myself 'just check tumblr a little bit' while i'm waiting for the adderall to hit

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

Hi hun! I'm sorry things are rough for you right now. You shouldn't ever feel like that (nor should you ever feel like this isn't a safe place for you to vent). From what I've seen after following you for quite a while, you are endlessly supportive of everyone you come across on this site and deserve that back. I was getting into writing this message (had why you are great points and was ready to write up support arguments) but tumblr cut me off before I could get too sappy. In short, love you!!

hahaha well i super appreciate it thank you! i also super auper appreciate the fact i CAN vent here at all and retain some (relative) anonymity vs ya know fb ♡ i just dont get it, this isnt the way i was raised so why do my prents act this way? why didnt they listen to me over a yearback when i said the cat had tumors and they didnt wanna spend the money to check but at the end they were ready to do ANYTHING it took (we dont even go to the doctors ourselves... thanks amierica) and now dad is SUPER dep[resed over ‘killing’ the cat (it was mercy, i know for a fACT It was but he wasnt unable to use the litterox or jump ike the cat we had to put down last year...the sweetest cat too, I had to be doctor death because my parents couldnt do it and my poor younger siblings (im eldest) couldnt do it) so i had to be the one to technically kil him and that has stuck deep with me, i dont deal with death the same way other people do, i know i dont,, and he was so scared and cried when we brought him and he peed in the cat carrier and i didnt want to do it i wanted to go back home with him, and i made my siblings swear nt to tell my grieving parents, and then THIS cat couldnt been avoidable but they didnt listen to me and now he had to be put down and just im frustrated over what didnt need to hapen even with a 20yr old cat had they LISTENED To me im just upset about a mutlitude of things but htak you for putting up with my venting and nonsense.

i know it makes people feel weird and awkward, and some feel olbgated to say something (plz never do! i would hate to put things on others or emotionally manipulate anyone in any way, i just want to vent nd know it had been ackonlwgned i guess) and i just dont underatand why peopel dont listen (esp. my parents).

I mean, i am the ONLY one of my entire extended family to ever go to colege nd complete a degree. I was technically a diplomat in japan. I have the brain skills to be a CIA operative. i speak and understand mutliple lanagues (i wanna get to ten) and other than that, we grew up homeless until i was about 16? maybe 13 i dont etirely recall, but i have street skills as well and i have live din two foreign countries (cant see the forest through the trees and all that) and yet my opinions still count for shit, or my relaive youth (im over 30, letys make that official i am no child) but my dad keeps saying i dont have the years he has (and i NEVER will while hes alive its a moot point) but my paents are xenophobves and ive WORKED for a foreign givenemnt and lived in two foreign countries but im a woman and bisexual and this goes against everything they undersand as normal, and then where the poor cat is concerned like im not a doc, i got a BA not a BS, so my opinons count for shit, and i just want everyone to be nice qnd take proper action with things and not cause others pain and have empathy towards those who have less (i grew up homeless and we were poor until maybe five-7 years ago?)) and just everything huRTS SO MUCH and i am TRYING so goddamn hard all the time but im ultimately at my parents mercy (i live at home because california is too expesive to live in a real9tively safe place alone) and work is fucking me and im trying so damn hard to be a good person and do whats right and help others when i wouldve wanted help and just looking at the bigger picture and it just hurts because there is no room for good in the world o matter how hard you try and every time i try to gte ahead i just for balls .

The good part is, i have two kittens who will be one year come april(or march i dont remember) and my kitty Scratches LOVES me just for me with no other expectaton, so i mean, i have that much. Basicallt i am just really really hurting and i will probably bounce back in full force rather quickly after this pity party but i am very grateful for the chance to vent and also feel heard so to speak, ya dig? :D

ANyways, thank you anon, i love you, you rock, and sorry for alk the serous spelling errors, i am on my 8th beer of the hour trying to hurt myself and/or make the pain go away BAHAHAH XD aint working yet but i havent brought the weed into the mix yet..... that usualy makes me happy. The xanqx stopped the full blow paic attack over helpless feeligs i am powerless against, but i am not happy but trying to get comfortably num. I am on my 8th beer of the hour tho so HEY lets see!! XD

...i am  a mess. DISCLAIMER do not try any of this at home, i am a 30something queer sad sack with adhd and panic disorder who no loger destoys items but instead tries to destroy herself becaus eit will hurt no one but me LOLOOL

....also i feel SUPER guilty about waiting to update ALL sales final and also the new commission i need to get done solike, bear with me, i am trying SO fucking hard right now and i feel like i am supr letting everyone down but i will get there i promise! I will probably be riht as rain tomorrow and i am sorry for ,lll the maudelin nonsense i know plenty of you are not interested and we wil back to our our regularly scheduled bullahit after i bury it all haha

much love, posonjack

#poisonjack answers #sorry ill delete all this bullshit later i am just hurtng rrlly really bad right now nd it feel beter to ge it out and express myself abd' #then be emabrassed by it tomorrow about how much i lsot control and let all this bulllshgut be witnessed by so many #anyways we all have dayd like this (i am assuming? hahahah) and im very sorry to expose you to mine'i #i just cant do this on facebook ...iam tryong to get laid from an ex-bf i have been on agaian off again with for the past ten years aHAHAHA' #he is HOT #and i am A sad sack right now haha im really really very sorrry for this maudelin nonsense i truly am #it mebarrasing i know and i apologize for that #thak you for allowing me to vent tho. ill be super embarassed after i sober up but im just in pai rn haha

[lululawrence]

so question for you: I suffer from really bad depression and ADHD. do you have any advice on how to write when i feel like not

oh man that is a gooooood question. okay so i can’t speak from the adhd side of things. i do have some focus issues due to my anxiety, but they are very much not the same thing so i don’t want to make it sound like i have experience there when i don’t. i’m going to mostly speak on the depression side of things, maybe touch on some things i do when i can’t focus, and then open it up to others who do write with adhd and see if they can give some things that help them and i sure hope that helps.

so for me, it’s a really rough balance of figuring out do i just not want to write or do i need to allow myself to be okay with not writing. is it a motivation issue due to my depression and/or my anxiety over the fact i have a LOT of other shit i need to be getting done that should actually be having the focus? or is it a i-don’t-have-anymore-spoons-to-give-so-i-literally-shouldn’t-write kind of thing? (if the spoons comment doesn’t make sense, check out the spoons metaphor here, it changed my world for trying to explain to others what it’s like living with mental health issues) sometimes it is really hard to figure out which is which, though. and sometimes i don’t know until i just push myself and try to do it.

so. if it’s a motivation issue (or i don’t know, so i try to push it and see if it is a motivation issue), that means i generally need to find outside motivation. for me a lot of that comes from deadlines. it’s why even if i’m not writing something for a fest or whatever, i give myself a sort of mental deadline. right now my mental deadline WAS to try to finish my tomlinshaw this week. allergies hit as did illness, so i’m going on almost four days of not writing which means that tomlinshaw is definitely not getting finished. but now my new goal is next week. i’m still gonna push myself pretty hard tonight and tomorrow to see how much i can get written because i really really do wanna stick with my original hope of having it done by this weekend, but we’ll see. 

i’m putting the rest under a cut because DAMN this got long, i’m so sorry

sometimes, though, deadlines make you stress and don’t help you find motivation. so what then? that’s when i go to my writing peeps. i’ve got a large network now of completely supportive, amazing, kind, lovely writing friends who have gathered around each other and support each other. when i’m having a hard time writing or getting myself to write, i’ll go to them and be open about it. “hey, i’m trying to write and it isn’t working, wanna do a writing party?” or going to one of the group chats and saying, “i’m writing! who’s writing?” or “writing sprint! anyone in?” that way i know i’m gonna have to come back to them in a set amount of time and check back with the progress i made. for my leo self, i love and need them holding me accountable and then cheering when i come back and have actually written words. even if it’s only 20. they cheer anyway. because they know i need it to keep going. and if i have time, i try another 10 minutes/30 minutes/hour and check back then. find your people, and rely on them. they’ll help when things get really tough.

i think what it comes down to is figuring out for yourself what actually motivates you. inner motivation is HARD with depression which is part of the reason we have such issues with just getting our asses out of bed or into the shower more than once a month, right? like that’s just part of the deal. it shows differently with everyone, but simple things for others are crazy hard for us. so find what actually gets you writing, and utilize that. is it a reward? if you write for an hour you get to buy yourself a starbucks? or you get to eat that piece of cake in the fridge? or you get to watch that episode of ...i dunno, what’s cool right now? game of thrones? umbrella academy? something like that. or you get to pain your nails. you know, like literally anything. find that and harness that. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. and that’s okay.

on the days i have a hard time focusing (which is most days, let’s be real), i have to take myself out of my usual environment because my usual environment is crazy busy, crazy disorganized, and overall noisy as hell. plus if i don’t i constantly have my parents/partner/children begging me to do something with or for them and that isn’t conducive to writing. so i get out of the house. i go to the library where it’s quiet and not much distraction, or to a starbucks that i know isn’t quite so busy or has really nice writing nooks in it. just someplace i’m comfortable that is easy access and allows me to just shut down to everything outside the computer. i tell my friends i’m writing, and then i shut down everything. i close the tumblr windows, i shut down whatsapp, i even turn my phone onto dnd mode. and for those thirty minutes i write.

it sounds counter productive to give myself more time to write when i’m having focus issues, you’d think shorter windows work better, but with my own personal experience as well as my experience with my husband and daughter who both also have adhd, i’ve learned that the focus issues mainly come from . having a hard time GETTING focused. if we’re truly interested in something, then once our focus has been grabbed, we can (sometimes) keep it there. so go for a medium time length. give yourself that buffer time where it’s gonna be hard for you to even get your mind into the fic game. that way when you check in, you’ll have given yourself enough time to spend fifteen minutes just trying to remember what fic you’re writing and where you’re writing at within that fic and you’ll still have fifteen more to get words down before checking back in.

i know some people also do “song challenges” where they’ll put a song on and write for the length of the song and then stop when the song ends and see how far they got, if they like it, etc. there’s others who write for ten minute increments and then go on to do something else because longer than that just isn’t possible. 

basically. this is a very very long winded way of saying just keep trying. don’t give up. but also, if you try everything and it’s just not working for you that day? that’s okay. the fic will still be there later. don’t stress it! it’s there to be fun and enjoyed. 

whew. i’m so sorry this ended up so long, but i hope it helps. good luck, i can’t wait to celebrate you publishing those fics that are so hard to actually get written! you’re amazing. xxxxx

#opinions #i'm so sorry this is so long guys #writing stuff #personal experience #my head is an allergy cloud too so that doesn't help #Anonymous #asks #mine

[trashboiiz]

First Day Flirtations (Aleks x Reader)

(A/N: I am back from the dead!! By dead I mean school. So this is a very late secret santa gift for @einhd !! Sorry it took so long! I had the flu for a week and I haven’t been on tumblr much. Hope you like this long ass fic because I can’t write anything short.)

Today’s the day. The big ol’ day. The day I’ve been waiting for the whole summer and it’s finally here.

I feel like I’m going to vomit.

The night before I packed my backpack and made a lunch so I didn’t have to worry about getting anything ready today, because of course I’d pick out a CowChop shirt for my first day interning if I was rushing. And I don’t want to be that person.

So, I packed the usual phone chargers and lunch that I probably won’t eat since I’ll be too nervous. I also packed some extra clothes because I have no idea what’s going to happen when I get there, and a notebook in case I wanted to seem like an overachiever and take notes.  I have no idea what I’m supposed to bring but I’ll bring everything just in case. I’m ready for the disaster that is CowChop and myself.

“You excited, Y/N?” My roommate asks, walking out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel.

“Hm?” I shove a granola bar in my mouth as I google directions to the warehouse.

“For your internship, your first day dude”

“Oh” my roommate notices my nervousness and comes over to pat my back.

“You’ll do great man, I know you’ve been looking forward to this forever” I nod, “maybe you could show them the fanfic you’ve wr-“

“TAYLOR!” I throw on my backpack and spin around, “I’ll die before they find out about that”

She giggles and throws me my jackets that was on the bed.

“Y/N you have 30 minutes to get to the warehouse”

I check my phone and begin to panic as 9:30AM lights up on the screen.

“Have fun! Don’t worry too much!” Taylor yells as I run out the room.

“If I timed this right I would be 5 minutes early not 2” I mumble to myself, “maybe I’ll skip breakfast to save time”

It’s almost 10am, the time Brett told me to show up. If I hadn’t run I would’ve missed the bus and would’ve been late. I can’t be late on my first day, I’d have to quit immediately and never return.

After walking a few minutes from the bus stop I arrive at the feeble gate protecting the Cow Chop warehouse. Through the gaps I can see the familiar parking lot, filled with cars and set pieces that were destroyed; I wonder if I should’ve brought some bandaids.

“Y/N?” To my left I hear a crackle and see a small intercom.

“Y/N? Is that you?” I walk over and look into the tiny camera, awkwardly.

“Y-yeah! It’s Y/N, the new intern!” I stutter, trying my best to sound enthusiastic.

“Welcome to hell, kiddo”

The gate jolts open and I slowly walk inside, excited but terrified at the same time. Brett stands in the doorway, looking more muscular than in the videos but also less scary.

“Nice to meet you Y/N” He shakes my shaky hand with more force than I was expecting, “Thanks for being on time, fucking no one else takes this job seriously enough”.

I chuckle, unsure of what to say.

“Well we might as well get started” Brett holds the door as I walk inside, “I guess I can give you a tour and then we’ll talk about the other crap like rules and what not. Basically, point the camera at someone when they’re speaking and don’t burn the place down”

For the next 20 minutes or so, Brett gives me a tour of the warehouse; only 5 minutes involved showing me the office and the rest of the tour was sidetracked by Lindsey who wanted to meet me and wouldn’t stop talking.

“Here’s your desk” Brett walks over to one of the many plain black desks, “if you need anything, don’t ask me, I don’t edit shit”

He laughs to himself, “no, but really, ask Lindsey or Anna, they’re the most helpful here, obviously’

I set my stuff down and take a seat, getting ready for whatever they throw at me.

“Someone will come over and teach you about editing stuff, maybe Asher. I don’t know. Anyways, welcome again, you’ll do fine.”

As Brett walks away I glance around the office and see a handful of the Cow Chop crew: Anna, Lindsey, and James; I wasn’t surprised that Asher and Aleks were late. I spend the next hour watching the other trickle in and introduce themselves, although I already know who each of them are. Anna teaches me the Cow Chop style of editing and shares her expertise on what works for each video. Asher gives me some tips too but mainly jokes around, which helps alleviate some of my stress and take my mind off of my anxiety.

“Well look who finally decided to show up”

I look up from my desk and see Brett berating a tired Aleks.

“Maybe if you didn’t stream till 5am you’d show up on time and we could make videos for our fucking channel!” Aleks shrugs him off and goes to sit at his desk, but stops when he sees me.

“Who’s this?” Aleks looks at me confused, “Brett who’s this?”

“It’s Y/N, the new intern” Brett yells back, “Don’t you ever fucking pay attention?”

“I have ADHD Brett, don’t bully me”

Brett huffs and slams his office door behind him; I definitely won’t be asking him any questions anytime soon.

Aleks walks over to me and put his hand on my desk.

“So you’re the new intern,” he smirks, “I’m Aleks, but I assume you’re a fan because who would actually want to work here”

I smile back, feeling like I look like an idiot.

“If you need anything just let me know. I sit over there” He points to a desk a little in front of me, “I can’t really help with editing or anything but whatever”

Before he walks to his desk he squeezes me shoulder. I don’t know if that’s a softball coach squeeze or a guy having a crush on me squeeze. I try not to think about Aleks in a softball uniform and get to editing my first video.

I finally have time to eat my lunch after filming some content and editing the one video I was given. I still feel like a nervous wreck but now a more competent wreck. As I go through the video, cutting clips and adding effects, I eat my sad sandwich, which was a bit soggy because I made it the night before. Nevertheless, I continued eating it because I was too afraid to order anything to the warehouse; maybe in a few weeks I’ll have that confidence, or maybe never and I’ll just suffer.

“Y/N, what the fuck are you eating?”

I look up to see Aleks standing by his desk, a microwavable meal in one hand.

“Uh, it’s just a sandwich”

“That looks pretty shit,” Aleks says as I chuckle, “Do you want me to order you anything?”

“What? N-No, I’m fine, really”

“Well can I at least sit next to you while you edit so you don’t look so sad”

I look around to see if anyone else was here, but I guess everyone went out to lunch; I don’t know if I should be happy or nervous, maybe both.

“Yeah, sure”

Aleks pulls up a chair next to me and begins eating what seems to be leftover Chinese food.

“Oh I remember this” he says with his mouth full, “I was really bad at this game”

“Yeah” I giggle, “I can’t really see a way to edit it to make you look better”

“That’s my aesthetic though, terrible at games that aren’t FPSs”

I don’t say anything even though I know he’s lying; I’ve watched enough of his videos to know he’s not very good at any game.

As we eat we go through the video; I mark down parts to edit as Aleks suggests them. But after awhile we get distracted from the video and just…talk. It’s nice. For the first time in awhile I’m happy having a conversation with someone and I’m actually interested. I don’t know if it’s our mutual dislike of LA or that Aleks has pretty blonde hair and brown eyes that sparkle when he grins, but it’s nice.

“Y/N wait”

I stop laughing and freeze, worried I did something wrong, but Aleks leans over and brushes a strand of hair out of my face.

“Oh, thanks” I blush.

“No it’s, I-” Aleks stutters, “It was distracting. It’s just my ADHD, ya know.”

We sit in silence for a couple seconds, unsure of what to do.

“I, uh, I got to go do some work and stuff” Aleks mutters.

“Yeah, I should keep working on this video” I turn back to the monitor as Aleks stands up.

“We should do this again sometime, Y/N” Aleks puts his hand on my shoulder, “Welcome to Cow Chop, happy you’re here.”

Aleks eyes look soft, like his bleach blonde hair and his tired face. There’s a warmth to him, something that’s inviting and calming. I feel safe.

“Thanks Aleks. I’m happy I’m here too.”

#aleks #cc #cow chop x reader #cowchop #cow chop #cowchop fanfic #cow chop fanfic #aleks x reader #cowchopsecretsanta #fanfic #fan fic #cc fan fic #secret santa