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respectablesentiment · 4 years

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uhhhh a post seattle continuation story by respectablesentiment?! yes please 👀 i would be so curious to see how you would write their journey afterwards if santa barbara wasnt a thing. i know you would feed us well in terms of balancing plot, fluff, angst, smut. i know you said not to encourage you but im here to ask you to please think about it lmao 🙏

I love that you wrote my username specifically and for some strange reason it threw me off. Like obviously if you’re sending me an ask, then you’ve identified me as a person but also like directly being named is a weird experience.

Anyway, hello!

Thank you very much for your interest, you would be horrified to see the amount of posts like that in my drafts where I’ve written some half-assed explanation of an AU or a continuation fic and then never posted it (legitimately there are like 50+ posts in my drafts, just chillin, waiting for their moment)

I have actually given it a lot of thought and we all know, we all know, that it would involve therapy. It would probably end up a LOT darker than the third story I did (the ‘sad fic’) because like jesus christ, Ellie’s head would be a mess there.

I have added a cut here because this post got BIG and I’m sorry. I told you very very politely to not encourage me because I’m a big baby. I have no self control and will be putting myself into time out :(

I think her initial headspace would be focused on Dina being okay and just grief. But then I think returning to Jackson with her tail between her legs would be fucking awful for her. Like genuinely, genuinely awful. Like heart shattering, acid in your veins, fire in your throat, levels of anger, and frustration and shame.

I think reuniting with Maria (w/ Tommy in whatever capacity), and also w/ Jesse’s parents would be absolutely awful.

I don’t think Dina would be showing yet either, or maybe just starting too, so having to break that news would be bittersweet.

I think when they first return, they would go to Dina’s place. They would maybe spend some time at the clinic, but like.... they would want to be alone. And everywhere else is too overwhelming with Joel’s memory. They would wrap themselves up in the blankets in Dina’s bed, ignoring how Jackson makes them feel, like coming home w/ pieces missing, coming home w/ nothing achieved but more heartache, and they would just break.

I think they’d be cracks along the trip, maybe a total shuddering and sobbing breakdown at the theatre, but otherwise it would be quiet. Night terrors but the kind where you wake up silently with a weight on your chest. I think they would hold themselves together with trembling hands and breathlessness the entire fucking trip home and then as soon as they are alone, eyes still red, touchy and nervy from the day and the people, they would just break into a million pieces.

both of them.

like proper gut wrenching, shaking, painful sobbing, clutching each other so tight that it hurts, and they would just cry.

the kind of crying where it comes in waves, where you’re sobbing so hard you can’t breathe and then you manage to stop shaking enough to suck in a couple breaths and then you’re gone again.

the type of crying where at some point you think distantly “god this is catharsis’ and then later you realise you actually feel much much worse than before

And life would go on. Not for them, but around them. Jackson would continue, and they wouldn’t.

I think Ellie would sit by herself, either completely drained or full of energy. I think she would go for walks to tire herself out, maybe try to do some of the manual labour on a farm rotation without really saying anything, and people just let her.

I think Dina would read and one day go to Jesse’s parents house, and his mother would hug her, and they would drink tea, and not really talk but know that they would get there.

I think Ellie would leave the bed sometimes after a bad nightmare and try to read one of Dina’s books or maybe walk through Jackson under the moonlight. Trying to settle herself.

I think she’d do that maybe several times. Maybe more. But one night Dina will wake too and she will not be okay.

“If I’m asleep, I need you to stay with me. If you’re going somewhere, wake me. I want to go with you, doesn’t matter what time it is. You go, I go.” - Dina

Because holy fucking shit, Dina woke up into a nightmare - and I think every time she reaches for Ellie in bed and doesn’t find her then she’ll be back in that moment. Fucking terrified, and scared of what’s around every corner, and jesus christ if Ellie isn’t in the house?? if Ellie has gone for a walk, and Dina realises she isn’t there?? I think she could be angry sure, but in that moment - she would be absolutely fucking stuck.

I think they would both have significant trauma and I wouldn’t be capable of writing something that links Seattle Day 3 to the Farm chapter that we see - because they are not okay and not acknowledging it. And I think there’s a lot to be said about finding lightness and having good days among bad ones, but I couldn’t possibly write something about Ellie pretending or forcing herself to do something, and Dina either being oblivious or not acknowledging what Ellie is doing.

I think I would have to write the story as the shaky progression of that grief and those feelings through Dina’s pregnancy. And I would not have the heart to send them to the farm until after JJ is born and they are a bit more settled in themselves.

By after, I mean when JJ is about 3 months old. So a bit more manageable than straight up new born, and after definitely after winter. My timelines have him born in like Nov-Dec in the year, so like it would need to be after winter. Because not only has our poor baby girl Ellie gone through winter in tlou1 WITHOUT Joel, she then proceeds to LOSE Joel in winter.

like..... bitch, we should cancel the whole season at this point. ~winter is done~

Anyway anyway, I’m sure I could get it to a fluffy place - but my dumb brain cannot skip over the trauma. It’s like..... it’s like an unskippable cut scene in a video game. I’m mad at it, but I gotta sit through it.

ANYWAY I think they’d have a solid 1-2 months of Nothingness (that depression feel), and then start making meaningful strides before Dina reaches her third trimester. And then when they have their beautiful lil baby boy, and we get to see some special moments w/ them as a lil family, it would end with:

“We’ve got a little creature to take care of, how about we find a farmhouse?” - Ellie

#ask #a nice anon #writing plans #LOOK i said don't encourage me #i specifically said don't let me do this #and now I'm DISTRACTED #i'm only one (1) woman #i have a limited capacity and 90% of my brain is fictional queer women w trauma #i am writing the fun fic and FOCUSING on only that fun fic until it is done #pls support me by putting me in the gay baby jail that i belong in #the gf is really annoyed at me for spending so much time writing about this and not writing my current fic #the side eye is reeeeaaaaallll #you can see why i don't write about my headcanons because I CANNOT SHUT UP when i do #Anonymous #ellie x dina fic #tlou2 fanfiction #my writing

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jnlnyaface · 4 years

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Duality

This story takes place during the party in 2x01. Let’s pretend, for this story, Macy didn’t tell Maggie about the move until after Mel called Harry to the attic. Please forgive any spelling and/or grammar mistakes

Can be found on AO3 here

Duality was apparently going to always be a tentpole in Macy’s life. Being a Charmed one with demon blood. The freedom and independence of being an only child versus the inclusivity and acceptance that came with having siblings. Her need to always be in control and reserved outweighing her want to be fun and spontaneous. That fact was made even more evident by her current situation. Stuck between her dream job 2 hours away and her new found family. Macy felt like a hypocrite. Wasn’t it just a few months ago she was trying to guilt Maggie into staying in Hilltowne over the summer so they could spend time together. And now here she was. Considering moving away. And not just for the summer. Indefinitely.

It wasn’t just the job that was enticing. The promise of a new start. A clean slate. She couldn’t deny the appeal. With all the good things moving to Hilltowne brought her, magic, her sisters, Harry, it brought bad in equal measure. Discovering why her mother couldn’t be in her life, becoming the source, galvin’s death.

See duality.

Her urge to run could stem from the fact she’s never been anywhere long enough to get really attached to it. Sure she has memories, good and bad, from the different places she’s lived but none as deep or personal as the ones she’s made here. She wasn’t sure she was emotionally equipped to process everything that’s happened to her in the short time she’s lived in Hilltowne. Especially when every hallway, coffee shop and street corner brought back every painful memory at once.

She needed space. She needed room to breathe and think. Unfortunately, space away from her pain also meant space away from her sisters. Maybe she could convince them to come with her. Macy wasn’t the only one in this house that had been through trauma in the last year. They all had. Maybe a new start would be good for all of them.

Macy Vaughn was many things. An optimist was rarely one of them. She knew what her sisters, Mel in particular, would say. They wouldn’t want to leave the house they grew up in. The only town they’ve ever lived in. Not for her.

A hand on the small of her back shook her from her silent musings. Maybe a gigantic and extremely loud birthday party wasn’t the best place for her quiet rumination. She smiled at the handsome owner of the hand as he passed on his way to the kitchen.

She decided to seek out a familiar face. Distraction from her growing anxiety spiral. As if by magic Harry appeared in her line of sight.

“Harry!” She tried to call his name loud enough so he could hear her over the music. His head popped up and he looked around until his eyes landed on her. Silently she wondered if he only heard her because she called his name with “purpose” her volume having nothing to do with it.

“Well, hello, Macy,” Harry started as he stepped in front of her. “Are you enjoying the party?”

“Somewhat...I mean yes,” Macy stammered. She didn’t want to give her worry away but from the look on Harry’s face it was too late. He always knew exactly what she was feeling.

“Maggie asked me to grab more cups from the office. Care to join me?” He also always knew the right thing to say. He was perfect.

“An opportunity to get away from all these people I don’t know?” Macy laughed lightly as she pretended to mull it over. “Yes please.”

Harry extended his hand in a “after you” gesture. She took the offer and walked to the office with him close behind. They made sure to lock the door before the party started to prevent any sexual shenanigans.

Macy used her powers to undo the lock. There was a part of her that wanted to look around for the cups she knew weren’t there. If only to give herself something to do. The motion of Harry redoing the lock on the door brought her eyes to him. He had a red solo cup in one hand and a magenta party hat on his head. He was adorable. He motioned her toward the couch, walked over and took a seat as he set his cup on the side table next to the couch. He noticed her fidgeting and patted the seat next him. An invitation to join. Once she sat down she let the warmth of his thigh pressing against her own bleed into her body.

“So, what seems to be the problem?” He asked as he rested his hand on her knee almost unconsciously.

“Who said there was a problem?” He made the achingly familiar “come on” look and she dropped her pretense. “Ok, there may be a small problem.”

“Well go on then. Don’t keep me in suspense.”

“I was offered a job,” She started. “No. Not a job. I was offered the job. At a genetics lab doing bio-ethical research.”

“That’s your dream job.” He looked at her closer. Looked into her eyes. “But, your expression tells me there is more to this story.”

“The job is in Ann Arbor.”

“Which is 2 hours away,” he finished her thought. “I can see how that might be a problem.”

“Maybe they have an opening in the women’s studies department and you and I can commute via orb everyday.”

“While that is certainly an idea. I don’t think it’s the best one for this situation.” And he was right. Macy wasn’t the most social person but what if she made friends and they wanted to hang out. Should she lie and say they couldn’t come to her place. Would they believe she had a 2 hour commute from work to home and back everyday? Maybe she could get an apartment there and pretend like she lives there while she actually comes back to Hilltowne every night.

These were all options and only most of them were terrible.

“You’re right,” she lamented. “I don’t know what to do. I love my sisters. And I’m glad that we were brought into each other’s lives but I can’t ignore the fact that being here is painful for me now.”

“I understand.”

“It just feels like every time something good happens in my life something equally as bad happens too,” she continued as she rose from the couch to pace around the small room. “My dad died. I found a new family. I find out I have magical powers. I find out I have demon blood in me which is the reason my mother had to leave me when I was young. I lose my virginity and the guy I lose it to dies saving the world. It hasn’t been long since we defeated the source. What if something bad is just around the corner?”

Hysterical isn’t the nicest word to describe a person when they’re freaking out, especially a woman, but there was really no better term for Macy’s current state. Harry stood from the couch and grabbed her shoulders to still her increasingly frantic movements.

“Macy you need to breathe.” Harry exaggerated his breathing until hers replicated his rhythm. He waited patiently until her eyes met his own. “Come, let’s sit back down.” He led her back to the couch and sat her down before reclaiming his seat next to her. “Look, I understand this is stressful but you’re about to give yourself a panic attack.”

“That would be bad,” Her attempt at banter fell flat but Harry at least let out a sound resembling a laugh and that was enough to make her feel somewhat better.

“Now, you and I both know life is full of happiness and pain,” He began. “Whether you live in Hilltowne, Ann Arbor or Antarctica. There’s no way to escape that. And I think you know that already. What is this really about?” How did he always know what to say?

“I love my sisters,” She repeated. The waver in her voice didn’t go unnoticed.

“Are you trying to convince me,” Harry asked. “Or yourself?”

“No I mean...no,” She huffed. “I’ve never had to think about sisters before. A year ago, the decisions I made were for me. They were made by me and for me without any input or regard for anybody else’s feelings but my own. A single child mentality like that doesn’t just turn off over night.”

“That’s true.”

“But,” She continued. “I’m not sure that loving them is enough for me to stay. I can love them from Ann Arbor. And I can be their sister from Ann Arbor too. I just…” She paused trying to organize her thoughts. “I don’t know if I can be a charmed one from Ann Arbor. And I am sure that that’s not enough to make me stay.” Harry stayed silent. Like he knew she wasn’t finished with her thoughts. She wasn’t. “I just...I don't know what to do. I don’t want them to think I don’t care about them. I don’t want them to think that some job is more important than them. Than us. But. There is this part of me. This small persistent fraction of that girl who has always been alone that just keeps whispering, maybe it is.”

“Macy,” Harry started but she continued having not heard his attempt to get her attention.

“That’s horrible right? That I’m feeling this way? That I would be willing to put a job over my relationship with my sisters. What do you think I should do?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. She was unsurprised by the answer. “I can only imagine how difficult it must be to go from only thinking about what’s good for you to having to take two other people’s feelings into consideration. And even without the pressure of being a charmed one leaving sisters you’ve just met is big. The fear that the physical distance will cause a rift is a legitimate one. I apologize I don’t think I have the answers you’re looking for.”

“If my sisters aren’t enough to keep me here and my duty as a charmed one isn’t enough. Can you think of anything else? Any other reason I should stay?”

Harry’s eyes snapped to hers but he remained silent. Macy’s head was a mess right now. So many thoughts swirling and colliding. She was confused about a lot. The one thing she was sure of was the age old saying. Time heals all wounds. And even though she hadn’t made it through her grief over Galvin yet she was sure she would one day. She was also sure who she wanted to be waiting for her on the other side. Part of her was afraid leaving would close a door with Harry she may never be able to open again.

She was sure she didn’t want that.

Macy kept her eyes locked on his as he took several deep breaths. He seemed to be in deep contemplation. So she let her eyes drift to the silly magenta party hat on the top of his head. Her thoughts, thankfully, clear for the first time in days. Harry’s mere presence was enough to calm her. His intake of breath that signaled he was about to speak brought her eyes back to his.

“I…” He began but stopped abruptly and squinted his eyes in concentration. She knew that face. Someone was calling him. She knew what was coming next. “I apologize. I have to go. Mel is calling me.”

“I understand,” Macy nodded. “Go, and find me later. You owe me a dance.”

Harry nodded in agreement and grabbed his cup. With a flash of light he orbed from the office. Macy wasn’t sure what he was going to say but she was going to drink a lot of alcohol to preemptively stop obsessing.

Later, when she was blissfully numb from the multiple tequila shots she drank, Harry tapped her shoulder in the middle of the makeshift dance floor. She smiled when she saw it was him and he motioned towards himself. He was asking her to dance and she was just tipsy enough to not overthink the implications of slow dancing with the whitelighter she was growing more and more attracted to.

As he pulled her into his arms her heartbeat kicked into overdrive. For now she would blame it on the heat. As much sense as that made. She didn’t want to be emotional and drunk. For now she would rest her cheek on his shoulder and it wouldn’t mean anything more than a comfortable place for her head to go while they danced.

“I think you should go,” He whispered into her ear. She lifted her head up to meet his eyes. She was, at first, confused about what was talking about but her sluggish brain caught up quickly. Her eyes widened but he spoke before she could. “All I want is for you three to be happy and I don’t think you’re happy here. So I think you should go. Mel will be upset but she will understand eventually and we’ll figure out the whole long distance charmed ones thing.”

He took a breath and smiled a little sadly before continuing. “Having sisters, family, you’re close to is all about craving out time to take care of yourself. And that sometimes takes you away from them physically but not emotionally. Go find your happiness Macy. You deserve it.”

Macy was speechless. She wasn’t sure she had the mental capacity to form anything resembling a coherent response in her current state. So, in lieu of a reply, she smiled and nodded. She then returned her cheek to his shoulder as they continued to dance to the song playing from the speakers. She let his scent envelop her. Let herself get lost in it. Let her mind wander to daydreams of happier times. Wishing she could live in this moment forever.

Find your happiness, he said. Finding happiness wasn’t Macy’s problem. Keeping it? Well, that was another story.

#charmed #charmed fanfic #hacy #macy vaughn #harry greenwood #hacy fanfic #hacy fanfiction #charmed fanfiction #cw charmed #charmed cw #charmed 2018

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ficdirectory · 6 years

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Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 30

(To listen, click here) - 13:42

“He came home when?” Pearl asks, incredulous, sitting on Frank’s porch with Jesus.

“About 4 AM. I heard him come in,” Jesus passed along, looking concerned.

“I hope you weren’t up all night,” she says.

“No, but I’m pretty tuned into when the door opens. Dominique waited up, though. So, he wasn’t alone when he came in.”

“Seriously, Jesus, should I be worried here? Is there something I should know about Levi?”

“Talk to him. If you wanna know, you need to talk to him. You can’t go behind his back.”

“He legitimately has a 3-9:45 shift today,” she shares - a non sequitur.

Jesus spots her shaking hands. She doesn’t bother hiding them anymore. “You don’t like when he works late?”

“No...I mean, I don’t. But that was the same shift I had when…” she ventures. “And it’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough. It happened on a Saturday night through Sunday. This year, it falls on a weekend, too, so…” Pearl sips hot tea from her travel mug.

Jesus grimaces. “Hate when it does that.”

“I know,” she nods. “And I know it isn’t rational...but like...rationality doesn’t really matter when it comes to this. I can’t help but imagining the same thing happening to him. And if it did… I could never forgive myself, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. I worry about Francesca the same way,” Jesus sympathizes.

“But I think Dominique’s planning to go into town with him when he goes to work. Stick close. You know? Might give you peace of mind.”

“Why would she do that?” Pearl asks.

“I mean...they’re friends. Dominique cares about him. She knows he’s had a hard time. I think she just wants him to know he has a friend nearby. If he needs one.”

Pearl expels a breath. “Yeah, that does help. Confession: my mother has been blowing up my phone, as the kids say.”

Jesus looks sidelong at her. “I don’t think the kids say that anymore…” he jokes. “But...wait. What? I thought you told her to beat it.”

“I did.” Pearl maintains.

“She can’t take a hint, or…” Jesus asks.

“Basically.” Pearl nods. “I haven’t told Levi, because he’s been so stressed. And he’s been over here, so he hasn’t needed to worry about it.”

“What’s she want?” Jesus asks.

“Oh, just to make me feel guilty about my life choices. To make this weekend all about her. Take your pick.”

Jesus grimaces. “You have nothing to feel guilty about. And this weekend is about you. She’s messing with your head. Trust me, I know what that looks like.”

“You think she’s like, manipulating me?” Pearl wonders, surprised.

“Well, I don’t think she’s loving you. I’ll put it like that,” Jesus mutters darkly.

Pearl’s mouth falls open. “Wow. Okay.”

“Sorry. If that was, you know, too harsh or whatever.” Jesus apologizes.

“No, I need Jesus levels of bluntness in my life right now,” Pearl insists.

There’s silence. There’s a squirrel in the yard Dudley really wants to chase. But Cleo scares it away with her goofy bark.

“So, what do you wanna do this weekend? Like, how do you wanna handle it?” Jesus asks. “I get that there’s not a lot of lead time. But it helps me going into days like these to kinda have a plan. To know what I want to happen. What I don’t. What do you usually do?”

“Sleep,” Pearl shares unceremoniously, stroking Cleo. Their time walking the dogs together has to be some of Pearl’s favorite. But this morning they’d saved all the major conversation for afterward.

“Do you wanna sleep this weekend?” Jesus wonders, no judgment.

“No, I wanna hang out with you guys. I just...don’t know how I’ll be… If someone brings it up, or whatever…” Pearl worries.

“Well, we wouldn’t want you thinking we don’t care. Just that...I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t want people in my family to bring it up on hard days. Sometimes I do, but just like, peripherally. I don’t like a big deal made.”

“What are you asking?” Pearl tries.

“Do you think you’ll wanna discuss it? Like, should we check in with you?” Jesus clarifies.

“I have no idea. No one has ever asked me that. No one’s ever been here with me through it, except when it happened, and even then, Mom didn’t know it happened. I didn’t tell her for like a week…”

“Dude…” Jesus breathes.

“Yeah, I know, right? Brutal.” Pearl tells him.

“It is.” Jesus nods.

“I think I’ll want to know people remember it’s a hard weekend?” Pearl ventures. “Check in with me, but not too directly?”

“Like, ‘How you doin’ with that?’” Jesus asks.

“Kind of, I guess.” Pearl makes a face. “Don’t make a massive deal but don’t forget me?”

“Done. Hey, and maybe leave your phone on silent or something?” he asks. “Just so you don’t have your mom bugging?”

“Right,” Pearl nods. “Do you think Levi’s gonna be okay tonight? Like, can I stay close around here so if I need you or Mariana to talk me off a ledge about him, you can?”

“Totally, yeah,” Jesus nods.

“And…” Pearl hesitates. “Can we do Feelings Laundry again? We missed yesterday and...I can tell. I think I need it. Especially this weekend. But if Levi and Dominique are gonna be gone tonight, then I’m not sure how it’ll--”

Cleo’s licking her now. Pearl barely feels it.

“Pause,” Jesus interjects gently. “Get your breath.”

Pearl breathes, albeit shakily. She feels ridiculous. “I should have known, every time I start to ramble, that’s a bad sign. Like, come on, Pearl, gather yourself. This isn’t a big deal, Why are you making it one?”

“Pearl,” Jesus interjects softly.

She meets his gaze. He just stares back, quiet. For a whole minute. When he finally does speak, his words surprise her:

“This is a really big deal. And it makes a lot of sense that you’re struggling right now. I know you mentioned Feelings Laundry…. Hey, are you breathing? Don’t hold your breath. Breathe. Can you?”

“Just in…” Pearl manages.

“You okay if I talk to you about candles?” he asks, throwing her for a loop again.

“What?” she asks.

“I mean, they don’t trigger you or anything, do they?” Jesus persists.

“No. They’re fine,” she says, breathless.

“So, imagine there’s a candle. Or...a cake with lots of candles… Like your birthday cake…”

“Very funny…” Pearl gasps.

“You need a good breath to blow out those candles. So, when you’re ready...just take a deep breath and blow them out. You might need to do it a few times…”

“For Levi, too…” Pearl manages.

“What? Wait, you guys...have the same birthday?” Jesus asks, incredulous.

Pearl nods, finally drawing in a deep breath.

“Okay, so you’ll need some for your candles and some for his, ‘cause he’s still sleeping...and the cake’s invisible,” Jesus coaches.

Pearl highly doubts that pretending to blow out candles on a cake is going to help anything. She tries. It’s harsh. Sudden. Not calm.

“So, long and slow. You gotta get to all the candles and Levi’s cake is back here,” Jesus gestures vaguely.

After forever, it seems like Pearl can breathe again. “Sorry, I’m such a mess.”

Jesus smiles a little. “Messy is okay,” he says. “So, you asked about Feelings Laundry. And including Levi and Dominique. What do you think about asking everybody if they wanna have it after lunch today instead of after dinner? So we all can be there.”

“Yeah,” Pearl nods. “You are pretty incredible,” she tells him.

“Well, I have this pretty amazing role model who I’ve looked up to for years,” Jesus says.

“Oh, please. I’m hideous.”

“You need to change that inner dialogue…” Jesus encourages. “I think you mean, reasonably upset given the circumstances…and an amazing role model.”

“Stop,” she insists, laughing a little.

“Okay.” Just like that, Jesus does. It doesn’t matter that she’s laughing. That she meant it lightly.

Jesus listened.

He always listens.

Francesca wakes up and finds Jesus not in the fort. For a second, she feels like crying. She can’t keep having her friends and her brother just disappearing. She puts her blanket around her and creeps out of the fort. To the window.

Luckily, she sees Jesus out there with Pearl, talking. It makes her feel an inch better. But still. Levi. She went to sleep last night and he wasn’t home. After spending the day with her and then coming home, he was just gone.

It was scary.

Mariana and Dominique’s door is closed. Francesca approaches the big staircase and decides to crawl up it. No one is here to see and make fun of her. And she can always go down on her butt later.

She makes it all the way up, to the loft and then scurries to the far side by the bookshelf, as far away from the stairs as possible. She remembers the rule about bedrooms and is too nervous to knock and see if Levi answers, but she sits in the chair and waits.

She falls asleep waiting.

When the door creaks, Francesca jump-scares herself awake. Levi jumps, too. He looks different.

Francesca gets up and walks to him. Stands in front of him. He bends down and she can’t help it. She throws her arms around him, biting her lip to keep her tears in, but it doesn’t even help and soon she’s sobbing like a baby. (But quietly because people are sleeping, plus Jesus’s trauma doesn’t like loud crying.)

“Whoa. Hey…” he says. His voice sounds scratchy. He rocks back so he’s sitting. She goes, too. She feels like she can never let go of him.

“I thought you were gone,” she gasps.

“You, what?” he asks, quiet. Confused.

“Thought...you were...gone! Like Jesus! I thought...somebody took you!” Francesca sobs. It feels like her heart actually is breaking. It’s the worst feeling.

“Hey… No… Nobody took me,” Levi rubs her back.

Francesca cries a little more before she can start calming down. “I’m sorry,” she apologizes, not looking at him.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t know. I won’t do it again.” Levi says seriously.

“When people just go and don’t tell me… It just… I don’t know…” Francesca tries.

“Maybe it reminds you…” Levi asks, his voice still sounding like he’s sick.

“Of Jesus being gone, too,” Francesca nods.

“You’re pretty young. Do you remember that?” he asks.

“No, he came back when I was one and a half,” Francesca wipes her eyes. “But the last time we were here, Moms thought Jesus was gone again. Moms were fighting and checking to see if he fell through the ice outside. Mariana was crying. Jude and Brandon were fighting and Callie kept asking to go look for him but Moms told her ‘We can’t lose you, too.’” He was gone a long time. Then he came back. But I still remember him being gone. The feeling inside.”

“Being unprotected,” Levi offers.

“I think…” Francesca nods. “Like every bad thing could suddenly really happen. Bad guys were real. There was more than just Jesus’s one bad guy. The world, like, became dangerous…So, last night it felt the same, even though you’re not Jesus.” Francesca’s looking at Levi in the eyes. “Did you feel that way? Is that why you left?”

“No,” Levi shakes his head. “I felt guilty. Like I was selfish for wearing you out. And getting you and Dominique followed.”

“You didn’t,” Francesca insists. “I wore myself out. And the peon followed us, not you.”

Levi cracks a smile.

“Next time, can you just ask?” Francesca begs.

“Ask what?” Levi wonders.

“If you’re feeling guilty about stuff. Ask if it’s true. We’ll tell you. Friends don’t lie, you know?” Francesca tells him.

“What if they tell me it is…” Levi worries.

“Friends also don’t hurt each other on purpose. Or at all. So…” she shrugs. “If you’re worried about a lot of stuff just come talk to us about it. We’re like your dad. We’ll protect you.”

“Thank you, Francesca,” he squeezes her again. “Hey, how did you get up here?”

“Crawled.”

“Ah. Need a hand down?”

“Not really,” she hesitates.

“No? Why?”

“What if I wanna stay here? Not in your room, just outside it like this?” Francesca asks.

“Well, I was thinking about...getting some pancakes.” Levi winks.

“We didn’t buy any…” Francesca objects.

“But I did, and I hid them in a secret spot. Wanna come down and find them with me?” he asks.

“Yeah.” Finally, Francesca smiles. She grabs her blanket but then can’t figure out how to bring it with her and go down stairs.

“Here, I have an idea. What about...a cape?” Levi asks, tying the blanket at two corners around Francesca’s neck. “And what about a boost?” he bends down for her to climb on, piggyback style.

She does.

“Just hang on tight,” Levi insists.

“I will. I have strong arms,” Francesca shares, holding on extra tight.

They find the pancakes in the freezer. Levi shows her the best way to eat them: with peanut butter and maple syrup. It really does taste great.

“I’m glad you came home,” Francesca tells him, around a bite of pancake. “I’d miss you tons, otherwise…” She stabs another bite with her fork. “Just so you know? Avoiders? Don’t avoid each other.”

“Wait. I’m an Avoider?” Levi asks.

“Of course.” Francesca nods.

“Why, of course. You barely know me.” Levi says, looking away.

“Well, Jesus didn’t know me at first, but that didn’t mean we weren’t brother and sister,” Francesca shrugs.

“You don’t have to include me in your thing…” Levi hesitates.

“Too late. You’re included,” Francesca smiles. “It’s good. It means you’re wanted.”

Levi wipes his eyes.

Francesca doesn’t make fun of him. She just hands him a napkin for his tears.

#fic: somewhere inside

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