#been spending my time sleeping and replaying mass effect

[absinthe-auncle]

Ghost and Helluva Boss????? Instant follow. Do you like Metalocalypse too by chance?

I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s on my to-watch list!

#sorry I haven’t been super active lately #I caught the plague #been spending my time sleeping and replaying mass effect #answers

[fanmoose12]

the devil you know

Сharacters: Hange Zoe, Levi, Moblit Berner, Zeke Yeagar, Armin Arlert

Genres: Action / Drama

Summary: Can you still miss a person, if everything you knew about them was a lie?

Сhapter 4/?

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Every single night, she was tormented by the same nightmare. Every single night, the same memory replayed behind her closed eyelids. She saw that fateful night, the night when she had decided she couldn’t keep pretending anymore.

It was the night before the great battle, and, as always, Levi fell asleep in her bed, curled around her body, holding on to her almost desperately, as though he was afraid that should he let go even for a second, she’d vanish.

Levi thought that his embrace could keep her with him. Hange wished for it to be the truth.

Getting out of the circle of his arms was a considerable effort, he held her too close, too tight, and Hange… Hange didn’t want to leave that sweet embrace. Levi was wrapped around her like a vice, he was a poison ivy that had its twigs engraved so deep it reached to the very depths of her heart.

Hange had to cut it out, to cut him out. And, by gods, was it an unwanted progress.

But after a few moments of quiet struggling, of silent curses and pants, she slipped out from his embrace and their bed. That small victory was well-earned, but not enjoyed. Hange felt her heart break the moment Levi’s arms were no longer around her. Without him, she felt so cold. With every inch she put between them, the ice that began covering her heart continued growing.

Next, she packed her scarce belongings. She wanted to take more, she couldn’t do it. Everything she’d take back home – her uniform with Wings of Freedom splayed proudly on the back, her heavy notebooks with dozens of notes and sketches done by her beloved assistant, that book Erwin had once given her, the scarf Mike had knitted for her, the flower Levi had gifted her, the very same one she treasured just dearly as the memory of him confessing after the gift had been presented, - all of it was going to be looked at and thoroughly analyzed. By her Marleyan comrades, friends and possible prosecutors.

She could take nothing that could be conceived as dubious, but that jacket, the one that was shared by both of them and still held his scent and warmth— she wasn’t strong enough to leave it behind.

So she put it on, praying for it to give her strength.

A long way home was awaiting her.

And Hange couldn’t leave without giving him, the one man she truly loved, a goodbye kiss.

“I know you won’t,” she whispered against his brow, her fingers caressing his hair with a feather light touch, “but please try to forgive me. It was out of my control, Levi.”

It was his fault too. When Levi came, the ground had been kicked from under her feet. And a simple mission turned into a tragedy.

When she gathered enough strength to leave the room, the hallway was empty. Hange knew it would be, she was familiar with the workings of Survey Corps like the back of her hand. She strolled through the well-known hallways without fear, trailing her hand along the walls.

The Military Headquarters back at Liberio was better built than this building. Even Warriors’ barracks, despite being designed to hold Eldians, were built so much better. Those buildings were sturdier, more technologically equipped, much more comfortable.

But, god damn it, she was going to miss Survey Corps’ headquarters, this shitty building that was situated in the middle of nowhere.

Compared to Marley, everything in Paradise was ancient, outdated, useless. But it didn’t stop her from loving that fucked up little island. It didn’t stop her from loving people that were living there, despite them being branded as monsters by her nation.

She turned the corner, took the stairs, and, at the end of it, just near the exit Hange saw a shadow.

She meant to duck behind the corner, to run and hide, but the form of that shadow was all too familiar, and she was just as familiar to that shadow. Hange had no choice but to stop and surrender to another cruel twist of fate.

“Squad Leader!” Moblit ran up to her, smiling and endearing as always.

Fucking hell, and Hange thought that saying goodbye to Levi would be the hardest task. However, Levi, at least, hadn’t been awake.

“Are you nervous, as well?" he asked, curiously peering into her eyes. Was she nervous? That was an understatement. "Personally, I can’t sleep! I’ve been thinking and thinking, and I even wrote a letter to my Momma, do you remember her?”

Of course, Hange remembered Moblit’s Momma, the soft and caring Mrs. Berner, a far kinder woman than Hange’s Momma was.

“I told her about our mission and how proud I am for participating in it. And… I added a second part, the one that would be sent in case…”

“No.” Hange shook her head resolutely, her hands clenching into fists. No, no, no, she refused to even entertain that foul idea. Impulsively, she took a step forward, circling her arms around her sweet assistant. “No, Moblit,” she repeated, voice muffled by his shirt. If he heard the quiet sniffling, Hange didn’t care. Moblit never minded her eccentricities. “You will survive. You will survive this shit and the next one you will undoubtedly face. You will make your Momma and everyone else around you proud.” You will make me proud. “And you will leave a glorious, happy and long life. You promise me?”

“Squad Leader…”

“Promise me!” she demanded, bordering on desperation.

In that moment, the dream always divided from reality.

In reality, Hange waited until he had given her a promise, and then feigned exhaustion, leaving Moblit to use another exit. But in a dream, Moblit made her stay, coercing her to have a cup of tea with him. And in the candle-light lit mass hall, they met Erwin, then Levi joined their impromptu party, gluing himself to her side and blinking sleepily at everyone who had gathered.

In a dream, Hange never left. She stayed under Moblit’s care, was guided by Erwin’s wisdom, was surrounded by Levi’s love.

And that’s why that dream was a cruel, excruciating nightmare. It showed her things that could never be. It showed her the future she desperately wanted to come true. Escaping from the clutches of that fantasy was hard, painful. And if that was complicated….

Well, waking up in that bed was pure agony.

Every single morning, Hange woke up lost and disoriented, and had to spend a few long moments, making sense of it all.

Her first instinct was to stretch her arms, to yawn and reach out – to warmth and comfort, to loving embrace, husky voice and reluctant kiss. To him. To everything she had lost. To everything she never actually had.

But she was alone in that bed.

There was no Levi, lying next to her, complaining about her morning breath. There was no Squad Leader Hange, no four-eyes , who would smile and start singing in Levi’s ear.

There was only she, a broken, empty shell of a person.

A Marleyan who fell for an Eldian. A war chief that devised weapons for her enemies. A fool with twisted loyalties and convoluted goals.

She betrayed her homeland, she didn’t have a home.

She was abandoned by her fellow countrymen, was rejected by the people closest to her.

But, strangely, as pathetic as she was, as miserable and wretched, she was not alone. Even in her sorry state, despite her vile betrayal, she still had a friend.

He was by all means her enemy, a monster and a devil, and yet he saved her life more times than she could count.

Even now, when her lies had been discovered and her villainy uncovered, he remained by her side, continued to care for her.

If all Eldians were truly as monstrous as she had been told since her birth, then how to make sense if the existence of one extremely brave, inexplicably kind Moblit Berner? Hange, as genius as she was, couldn’t understand him, couldn’t explain why someone as good and bright as him had decided to stick with her.

“Good morning!” he walked into her room with a smile, carrying her breakfast on a plate.

He had been repeating the exact same routine every day for the past month. He had been doing this ever since Erwin had appointed him as her assistant.

In that room, that bed, nostalgia, memories and regrets were impossible to escape.

Hange tried telling Moblit that he didn’t have to this, didn't have to care for her as though she was still his comrade. But Moblit was relentless. And she was too lonely and miserable to cut off the only kind soul that remained loyal to her.

“I managed to get your favorite biscuits this morning,” he continued, moving around the room to put the cutlery down on a table and open the curtains to let the sunshine in. “Almost got in a fight with Sasha because of it.”

Despite herself, Hange snickered. Moblit always had that kind of an effect on her. He possessed the uncanny ability to cheer her up with a simple, but heartfelt and caring gesture.

There was only one other person who was better at it than him. But after everything that happened between them… the hell would freeze sooner than she would hear praise and a comforting word from him.

Waving those sullen thoughts away, Hange stretched her arms and rose from the bed. She followed the sweet aroma of biscuits to the table Moblit had set for her.

“Any updates on Gabi and Falco?”

That was the first question she asked every morning. And every morning, Moblit gave her the same disappointing answer.

“I’m sorry,” he ducked his head solemnly. “We didn’t manage to locate them yet.

Hange expected as much. And yet, the lack of news still troubled her. Where were fierce Gabi and adorable Falco? Were they—

She shook her head, pressing lips together. Of course, they were still alive. They were candidates, the best of all best. Mentally repeating that mantra a couple of times, she forced her mind flow into different direction.

“What’s our plan for today?” she asked through a mouthful of biscuits. “Are we going to work on a new uniform again?”

Working on that project was fun. Having Mobllit as her assistant once again was fun. In the moments, when her brain was too occupied with an idea, she could almost pretend that everything was normal. That she was Squad Leader Hange, working with Executive Officer Moblit on a new project. Sometimes, Hange got so lost in that little game inside her head, she even expected for the door to burst open to let a grumpy Captain inside. But, of course, that couldn't happen.

These distant memories, they were comforting. They reminded her of the rare times in her life when she was truly happy. But the past... was in the past.

“Eh, you see…” Moblit raised a hand to his head, scratching the back of it with an apologizing smile. “Armin asked me to look into something. I was actually wondering if you would like to accompany me. I bet you’re getting sick of spending days in these four walls.”

She was starting to feel like a wilting flower, that was true. It would have been nice to go outside. However…

“Am I even allowed to leave this room?”

Moblit winced. “I’m not really sure about it… But I was assigned to look after you. I think it wouldn’t hurt if you go with me. Besides…” he sat on the chair next to her, looking at her almost pleadingly. Oh, Moblit and his perfect puppy eyes, Hange could never resist them. “I’d like to have your company. And, perhaps, your advice as well…”

“Advice?” Hange frowned. “On what? What is your task about exactly?”

“Don’t know if I can tell you,” nevertheless, Moblit leaned in, lowering his voice to a whisper. “But they found out that one of the volunteers, Yelena, has been conspiring with Eren. They asked me to interrogate the other volunteer.”

“Oh?” that sounded both ominous and intriguing. Hange curled her lips into a grin and raised an eyebrow. “You want me to use my interrogating skills?”

“No!” paling slightly, Moblit frantically lifted his hands, shaking them from side to side. “No reaping out nails, please! No threats of bloody violence! Just… talk with him.”

She almost forgot how easy it was to tease and embarrass Moblit. Oh, how Hange missed him.

“Alright, I’ll do my best to control the violent urges,” she winked at him, laughing at his scandalous face. “And thank you for inviting me. It’s been ages since I saw the world outside that room.”

“There is another thing I have to ask of you...” Moblit cast his eyes down, playing with the sleeve of his coat. “Technically, I’ll be representing Survey Corps, so…”

Oh. Hange shifted her gaze to the wardrobe, where her old uniform was still hanging. That feeling inside her, she couldn’t quite identify it. Was it shame? Or trepidation?

She showed nothing of it to Moblit. As their eyes met, she faced him with an easy smile.

“Sure, I don’t mind. I do wonder if that thing still fits me.”

“It is. It always will.”

The remark was short, it could be read as meaningless. But Moblit’s voice was deep and gravely, full of conviction. Hange tilted her head, stealing a moment to study him more closely. He looked back at her, his hazel eyes honest and kind.

A lump in her throat was thick enough to make it hard to breathe. It brought tears to her eyes. Hange closed them tightly, to keep the tears from falling down.

“I need a moment,” she murmured, facing away from Moblit, “I’ll be ready in five.”

“I’ll be waiting in the hallway,” he said and let her be.

___

Walking through the streets of Sina was both pleasant and excruciating.

Feeling the sun on her cheeks and the wind in her hair after so many days of being confined to a one single room was enjoyable, enough to put a smile on her lips. And Sina, so very different from Liberio, was a lovely city with interesting architecture and narrow clean streets.

But these places were too familiar, the alleyways etched into her mind too deeply. And the uniform… the long green coat fitted her too well, and, at the same time, suffocated her. The shiny Wings of Freedom were burning her even through the clothes.

This proud emblem, it wasn’t hers. She wasn’t worthy of wearing it.

And the looks people had been given her, the awe and pride— fuck, Hange would rather prefer they cursed and flanged stones at her.

“Their smiles make me uncomfortable,” Moblit confessed. “They used to throw shit at us after every expedition. But now that Eren has killed a bunch of people, they suddenly decide that we’re heroes.”

“You always have been heroes.”

You, not we. There was nothing heroic inside of her.

“Remember that tavern?” Moblit’s cheerful voice and excited expression didn’t chase away the shadows completely. But the shadows took a step back, frightened by his light. “We had a glorious fight with MPs there.”

The fond memory brought laughter to her lips. “You almost got your arm broken in that fight.”

Moblit chuckled along with her. “Thanks to you I didn’t. I thought that punch of yours would get that guy obliterated.”

Hange touched her knuckles tenderly. Moblit was right, that was one hell of a punch. If she closed her eyes, she could almost feel how the force of the hit had reverberated through her skin, tendons, muscles and down to the bones. Perhaps, that time, she had overdone it. She always had troubles reining in her anger.

“And remember that guy Captain Levi kicked? I see him around from time to time. Because of his broken jaw, he still has trouble speaking clearly.”

Ah, Hange remembered that guy as well. He was red-headed and had an ugly moustache. He also left a nasty bruise on her cheek. Levi’s kick to his jaw was a payback for that.

“Those were the times, huh?” Moblit nudged her, offering a kind smile.

Hange averted her eyes, feeling her lips quiver. Yeah, those were the times. Distant times, now they seemed more like a dream. A dream Hange wouldn’t want to wake up from.

Sensing her discomfort, Moblit steered them to the side, taking their conversation in another direction as well. “Speaking of Captain Levi, I sent him the new uniform. He wrote back that he liked it.”

The uniform she accidentally created with Levi’s size in mind. It was in no way intentional. She thought of Survey Corps’ soldiers when she was making a design. And in her mind, the perfect example of the scout was Levi. She was surprised she still remembered his size. Although, considering how much time she had dedicated to studying his body…

The new uniform was a sudden project, a product of the abundance of free time on her part. She wasn’t going to show it to anyone. Even Moblit found out about it by pure accident, when he stumbled upon her crude drawings. She was surprised he liked it. She was surprised Levi liked it. Did he really, though?

“He actually wrote so?”

“Well, he wrote that it could be useful, and in his words…”

Oh. As high praise as one could get from Levi.

“You write to him?” truthfully, that was another surprise for Hange. She didn’t remember Moblit and Levi have any sort of relationships, especially this close.

“We talk a lot,” Moblit shrugged, looking anywhere but at Hange. She was starting to wonder why, but his next words quickly unveiled the mystery. “Technically, we’re the only adults in Survey Corps, and after you left, we… found that we have a lot in common.”

Well. At least, her betrayal had one good outcome. It gave birth to a new friendship. And destroyed several old ones. Hange winced at the last thought.

“Oh, look where are we!” Moblit once again pulled her out of the abyss with his clear, loud voice. The wonder, added to it, however, seemed a little bit too faked. As smart and sharp as he was, Moblit could never excel at lying and pretending.

Not like she did.

Forcing these thoughts away, Hange followed the direction Moblit was pointing at. She couldn’t help but smile at what came into her sights.

Sina’s pastries. The best bakery in the city. In Hange’s humble opinion, the best bakery in the whole damn world. The one they had back at home, on the corner of the street in Liberio, right next to her apartment, didn’t even compare.

Just looking at the sign made her mouth fill with saliva.

“Moblit,” she grasped at his sleeve, her hold desperate. Her eyes were still trained on that shiny sign made in cursive. “Moblit, I know I’m asking a lot—”

He grinned. “Want me to get you that cherry pie you loved so much?”

Oh god, yes. Right now, Hange wanted it more than anything else.

“I understand it if you can’t. I mean, I’m a prisoner from a foreign country. Isn’t buying pies considered to be treason in this case?”

Moblit chuckled warmly. He looked at her, and his expression was kind and gentle enough to make the saints weep. He curled his hand around her shoulder, and from the place where he touched her, warmth spread through her body. “I wouldn’t mind committing treason for a friend.”

Fuck. Hange felt it once again. Her heart squeezing painfully, her throat constricting, tears welling in her eyes. She had to shut her lids to keep them from falling down her cheeks.

Her eyes still closed, with her voice cracking, she asked, “Would it be weird if I give you a hug right now?”

“Don’t know. Is it weird that I really want that hug?”

Her sob turning into a giggle, Hange surged forward, falling right in Moblit’s waiting arms. He pressed her close, his palm patting her on the back. Hange buried her face in his chest and relaxed against him, inhaling his faint scent of citrus and cinnamon. Sweet and pleasant, just like Moblit.

What was she doing all that time, without him at her side?

Moblit smiled at her as they separated. Hange meant to smile back, but in that exact moment— her stomach gurgled. Loudly.

She cringed.

“So… about that pie?”

“I’m on it,” Moblit promised and darted to the bakery.

___

Perhaps, it was fate. It was destiny, divine intervention, that led her to this moment. To the wooden bench in the park, to the bird’s singing in her ear, to the sweet, heavenly taste in her mouth.

The pie was perfect, so much better than Hange had remembered. It was soft enough to melt in her mouth, leaving a pleasant aftertaste. It was sweet, but not sugary, the cherry toping adding slight bitterness.

Fantastic, the pie was fantastic. If Hange could, she’d stay in that bakery until the end of her days, devouring those phenomenal pastries until she exploded. Ah, what a happy death that would be…

Moblit observed her with an amused grin. “Did they not feed you at all in your Marley?”

“Not like this.” Hange managed, despite her full mouth.

Food in Marley was more diverse than on Paradise. They had more resources, they had a bigger variety of products and ingredients. But Hange was a soldier. She either ate at barracks or she cooked for herself at home. Food, made by army cooks, was nourishing, but lacking in flavor. And the dinners, prepared by her, almost always consisted of something quick and extremely simple.

The only place where Hange could eat to her heart’s content, where food was made out of the best, freshest ingredients and prepared by the most skillful chefs, was the official events, organized by the brass. And as the leader of the research facility, one of the most recognized war chief and the only child of her father, one of the Marleyan’s biggest heroes, Hange was always a welcome guest on these events.

But they were so boring that not even a promise of good food could make her sit until the end of them.

“Well, wait until you try Niccolo’s food. He is a true master.”

“Already did,” her stomach once again gurgled, this time the embarrassing sound was provoked by the memory of Sasha and Connie treating her to some of the maestro’s masterpieces. Sasha certainly was a lucky girl. “I ate so much, I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” bashfully, Moblit rubbed his neck. “The first time he made food for us, I was eating like the man starved. I was so ashamed, but then I looked around,” he chuckled lowly, a wistful smile tugging at his lips. “And realized I wasn’t the only one.”

“I see you had a lot of fun,” she said, swallowing the bitter taste in her mouth. She wasn’t one of them, and never was. The suddenly appeared sadness was foolish and unwelcome. She had her own friends back home. Perhaps, they still thought about her. Perhaps, they still cared. “And what about that guy you need to interrogate? Is he also an amazing cook?”

“No, he is a soldier, he taught us so much about your technology! He was the one who was in charge of controlling the airship we used to get to Liberio.”

So their new friend was a pilot? And, apparently, a skillful one at that. Navigating through Liberio during all that chaos was certainly a challenge. Hange wondered if she knew him.

“So what is the name of that ace pilot of yours?”

Moblit lifted his chin, something close to pride appearing in his gaze. "He really is amazing. His name is Onyakopon."

Hange's jaw dropped. Her precious pie almost dropped as well. Hadn't she misheard? Onyakopon? The same Onyakopon who had spent almost a year as her understudy? Who taught Hange how to pilot the plane? That Onyakopon?

Could it really be? Could they really meet here, after so many years, on Paradis of all the places? Or was it some other Onyakopon who also happened to be an ace pilot?

"Hange-san?" a worried crease lay between Moblit's eyebrows. "Are the two of you—"

"Don't know," she shrugged, promptly finishing the last of her pie. "Shall we go and find that out?"

Moblit nodded resolutely. Hange felt something like nostalgia stirring up inside her.

___

For a man who was supposedly under a close watch and a possible suspect, Onyakopon had the nicest of accommodations. Much better than Hange's single room.

The house was small, but cozy, surrounded by pretty garden and vast green fields. If one were to ignore the lonely guard who was munching on an apple in the shadow of the tree, the front yard possessed absolutely no flaws.

Hange immediately shared her observation with Moblit, telling it to him in a faint whisper.

"Let's hope Onyakopon isn't a traitor and we won't end up dragging him from this heavenly place," he answered her.

If their Onyakopon was the same Onyakopon Hange knew, they wouldn't need to take the drastic measures. He was a smart, honest and good man. And, judging by Moblit's set expression, he knew that too.

As they approached the house, a man came in their sights. Dark-skinned, tall and handsome, he was reading a book on the porch, a look of complete concentration on his face.

All doubt left her mind. It was the same Onyakopon. The bright, curious young man who wanted to learn from her and who taught her something in return.

At the sound of their footsteps, Onyankopon looked up. And recognized her too, from just one glance. As their eyes met, his grew in size, almost comically. So he didn't know she was there as well. Strange, Hange would have thought he overheard the commotion she had caused on their trip back to Paradis.

But, perhaps, Onyakopon was too focused on piloting the airship and keeping all of them alive.

"Hange?" his voice was no louder than the wind's song. Hange nodded swiftly, having troubles finding her own voice. She wasn't sure it would obey her. "Oh I'll be damned!" Onyakopon jumped to his feet and all but ran to her. He squeezed her elbows, peering into her face in disbelief. "I'll be damned, Hange! I've heard the talks about some Marleyan soldier, but I could never guess that it was you! No one told me that you were captured."

Well, captured might be a strong word to describe what happened to her. Levi didn't capture her, he simply caught her - unaware and unprepared. Hange saw the face that was haunting her dreams and didn't even think of fighting against him.

She thought that Levi came to kill her then. She was almost ready for him to do it, to finish it once and for all. Being killed by the humanity's strongest - was there a greater honor? Being killed by the man you loved so dearly - was there a bigger joy?

Gently, Hange pried Onyakopon's hands off her. "It's a very long story."

"I have—"

"You don't," Moblit took a step forward, partially hiding Hange behind his back. "We need to talk, Onyakopon. I'm sure you've already guessed why."

"Yeah. Your friend here," Onyankopon threw an accusing glare at his guardian who was enjoying the afternoon shade, not disturbed by their conversation. "Already warned me. Alright," he let out a defeated sigh, "Do you guys want tea or coffee? Maybe, some snacks?"

Moblit gave him a tight-lipped smile. "We've already eaten, thank you."

"I— I'll bring some tea anyway."

He disappeared inside the house without another word. Hange and Moblit watched him go, then, when he vanished from their sight, they shared a look.

"He doesn't seem nervous," Hange remarked.

Moblit seemed to be of the same opinion. "He looks rather disappointed. I really hope he is innocent. But..." he shook his head and mumbled, more to himself than Hange, "I was always bad at figuring out liars."

Ouch. If after everything she had been through, Hange still possessed a heart, Moblit's words would have dealt a fatal blow.

Alas... She felt but a small pang. It didn't make her wheeze with pain, only forced to cast her eyes down.

___

Onyakopon returned after a few minutes, carrying a tray with three cups on it. Jerking his head into its direction, he led them to a table on the backyard.

Once they all took their places, heavy silence hanged over them. Onyakopon was the one to break it.

"So, no offence," he tilted his head to the side, his gaze slowly switching between Hange and Moblit. "If this is the official business, then… why Hange is here?"

"It's a long story," Hange said at the same time as Moblit claimed,

"Hange and I have been working together before."

"Wait..." a frown appeared on Onyakopon's face. It was almost immediately taken over by the look of shock. "Are you telling me that the famed Marleyan spy I've been hearing so much about, the one who spent five years on Paradis and almost became the Commander of Survey Corps, is Hange Zoe, one of the brightest minds of Marley?"

"Something like that, yeah," Hange took a cup of tea in her hands, hiding her embarrassment behind it.

"Wow... that's certainly... a lot to take in. I heard so many things about you."

"Nice ones, I hope?"

The corners of Onyakopon's lips slid down. "Not really."

"Ah... Understandable, I guess."

"But if you're the famous betrayer, why are you here? Are you—"

"We've been working together for a long time," Moblit repeated. "I trust Hange's judgement."

"I have an exceptional talent of picking out bullshit. And," Hange grinned, the curl of her lips just this side of being feral. "I'm a master of reaping fingernails out."

Onyakopon promptly chocked on the tea he was drinking. Sending her the most disappointing of his looks, Moblit jumped out from his seat to help the other man to cough it all out. His panicked face did awake a bit of shame in Hange.

"It was a joke," she hurried to assure.

"A very bad one," Moblit grumbled, softly patting Onyakopon on the back.

"I see nothing has changed about you, Hange," after returning his breathing under control, Onyakopon raised his eyes, giving her a joyful smile.

Hange wasn't sure if his words held any truth, personally, she hadn't felt like her happy, curious and driven self from years ago, but, nevertheless, she answered his smile with the one of her own.

"Now, let's talk about you," Moblit returned to his place, sitting down on the opposite side from Onyakopon. His back was straight, his expression relaxed but solemn. He grew, Hange noted absentmindedly. He was no longer that timid, shy man she had met all these years ago. "Do you know what happened with Yelena?"

"I understand that she is in the same boat as I am right now."

"Not quite," Moblit retorted. "We've recently found out that she has been talking with Eren behind our backs."

Onyakopon put the cup down, his hands a little more unsteady than Hange remembered them to be. "I... didn't know about any of this. Do you know what they were discussing?"

"Commander Pixis and the others are attempting to make sense of it as we speak."

"And in the meantime you decided to interrogate me." Onyakopon's demeanor changed, his eyes flashing. "Have I not done enough, Moblit? For you and for the people of Eldia? Haven't we helped you enough? And yet, you still don't trust me. You come here with—" his gaze shifted to Hange, but whatever Onyakopon wanted to say didn't leave his mouth, Moblit's hardened expression stopping him.

"You know how hard it is to earn trust," Moblit spoke calmly. "Especially now. Personally, I don't think that you're involved in Yelena's dealings. But I have to make sure of it. Wouldn't you do the same, if you were in my position?"

"Besides," Hange chimed in, "Even Eren is imprisoned. Do you really blame them for not trusting foreigners?"

Onyakopon took his time before answering. His jaw clenched, as he fixed his gaze on the wooden surface of the table.

"Maybe, you're right," he said at last. At his admission, Moblit relaxed. But Hange knew that Onyakopon wasn't finished yet. "But I risked my life to help get Eren back. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Yelena took part in that mission as well." Moblit reminded.

"I'm not Yelena." Onyankopon harshly retorted.

Moblit scowled. Onyakopon was glaring back at him, hands crossed on his chest. Hange decided it was time to intervene once more.

"Are we thinking of the same Yelena?" she interrupted their staring contest, easing the air around both men. "Tall, blonde and absolutely crazy?"

Not taking his eyes of Onyakopon, Moblit nodded. "She also has a strange obsession with Yeager brothers."

"Ah," yeah, Hange knew her. How could she not? Yelena was... "A lovely girl. Even I get chills from her. I doubt that Pixis would be able to get something out of her."

"That what worries me," Moblit confessed, rubbing his temples. The gesture was familiar to Hange - Moblit always suffered from headaches when under stress. "The Queen is coming back soon. If we don't secure the capital..."

"Historia is coming back?" Hange wasn't aware of it. When she asked Sasha about a little girl that once was called Christa and then grew up to become a Queen, Sasha said that she was also getting ready to become a mother. Was bringing her to the capital a good call then? With everything in such state of disarray?

"It was her decision, not ours," Moblit explained. "When the Queen learned what is going in, she deemed it necessary to intervene."

"Hopefully, the Queen is loved more than Eren Yeager."

Yeah, that would be the best case scenario. For everyone - even Marleyans - involved.

"In these uncertain times..." Moblit hanged his head with a deep, weary sigh. "Hope is all we have. Thank you for your time, Onyakopon. We'll be heading back now."

Having said that, he stood up. Hange meant to follow his suit, but at the last moment, Onyakopon stopped her, catching her sleeve between his fingers.

"About what happened in Liberio," he stiffly began. "Marley destroyed my hometown," Hange solemnly nodded. She was forced to take part in that particular operation. She hated every second of it. "I can't and I won't forgive them for that. But..." his voice softened, his thumb rubbed comforting circles around her pulse point. "Liberio was your home as well. So I know what you're going through."

Taken by surprise, Hange blinked a couple of times, gawking at Onyakopon. She expected anger from him. In the worst case - pity. But he offered her only his understanding. She was grateful for that.

“Goodbye, Onyankopon,” she smiled sweetly.

“Hopefully, that wouldn’t be our last meeting.”

Hange could very well agree on that.

___

When they were back in Sina, the sun was already setting, painting the streets and buildings into shades of orange, red and pink. While walking through the town, Hange was once again reminded of how beautiful it truly was. The abundance of trees and flower bushes, the shiny cobblestone and petite houses added to its charm, making Sina look almost magical.

“Pretty as a picture,” Hange had once called it, during a walk through the town with Levi by her side. Her fascination, that careless mishap almost got her lie uncovered.

“You look like you’re seeing it for the first time, four-eyes,” Levi had thrown that line carelessly, but his had narrowed ever so slightly and his frown had deepened. “Didn’t you say that you have grown up in the city?”

In that moment, Hange had almost started panicking. She could almost see it too – Levi finding out the truth, Levi dragging her to Erwin, Erwin getting everything he could out of her, him, Mike, Nanaba, Moblit, Nifa, Keiji, Abel, Levi and countless of others feeling disappointed and betrayed. The story would have ended with her standing on the gallows.

Perhaps, this end would have been more merciful. But that day, her joyful, only slightly forced laughter and a meaningless ‘Don’t you know me, Levi? I always have my head up in the clouds?’ had saved her from the early demise. And doomed her to many years of torture, heartache and self-hatred.

“Hey,” a gentle hand on her elbow broke her out of the internal misery. Hange looked up, meeting Moblit’s hazel eyes. “It will take some time until we reach the headquarters. Can we talk in the meanwhile?”

“Sure,” she shrugged. “What do you wish to talk about?”

“I actually want to ask a question. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but…” Moblit trailed off for a moment, pressing his lips in a line. Hange smiled faintly, she knew that expression too – he always wore it when he was contemplating his next move. As soon as his mind was set, it vanished, the usual kind face returning. “I would like to know why… you came here in the first place.”

That was it? Hange almost exhaled with relief. She thought he was going to ask something truly awful.

“Didn’t I tell you already? Just like Hoover, Leonhart, Braun and Galliard, I was sent to retrieve the Founding Titan.”

“But you didn’t do it. You had countless opportunities to take Eren from us, and you never acted on any of them. So why did you really come here?”

That was… a question more complicated than Hange was ready for. She didn’t know what to tell Moblit, how much she was willing to share. She had never talked about this, not to a single soul. Her comrades and friends from Marley would never understand her anyway. But Moblit wasn’t Marleyan, he didn’t possess the same mentality. Perhaps, he wouldn’t judge her. Hange was counting on that.

Without another second spent on doubt, she began her tale,

“My father was a hero – a soldier, brilliant tactician, an even better politician. He was resolute, fearsome and absolutely merciless to his enemies. No surprise that many considered him to be an ideal Marleyan citizen. And I was his only child. Naturally, everyone expected me to be as brilliant as him. I began my training at the age of five, and by the age of twelve I was already a perfect soldier. However, that’s not who I wanted to be. I wanted to explore the world, to travel to distant lands, but as the child of my father, I had my whole life controlled by him, and then, when he passed away, by the expectations everyone had for me.”

Taking a pause, Hange chanced a look at Moblit, expecting him to be disgusted or annoyed by her whining. She had everything given to her on a plate, a bright future guarantied, and she still yearned for something more. It was pathetic, wasn’t it? She was pathetic. However, Moblit… didn’t seem to share that opinion. At least, his face didn’t show the signs of it. Instead of the outrage Hange had expected to see, she was met with sympathy.

It made the pain in her chest grew tenfold.

Nevertheless, she forced herself to continue.

“I could never decide for myself, my whole life was controlled by my father’s legacy. I wanted to break free of it, by whatever means necessary. So when I heard about the mission to retrieve the Founding Titan, I latched onto that chance, convincing the brass to send me there with the kids. But I’ve arrived earlier than them, and we got separated. And so… I decided to use that time to do what I always wanted. To study and explore.”

It was the most brilliant of her adventures. She loathed being a soldier and having to kill countless enemies of Marley. But there was no war at Paradis. The only enemies were Titans, and as much as Hange felt for their struggle, she managed to convince herself that she was killing them for their own good. That she was freeing them from their never-ending curse.

“No one knew me here, and I could be whoever I wanted to. And I liked being Squad Leader Hange, because Squad Leader Hange was allowed to be as weird and curious as I wanted. People here accepted me. For the first time in my life, I felt like I found the place where I belonged.”

Of course, that wasn’t true, a mere fantasy, a delusion on her part. She was a Marleyan, a child of the man who condemned thousands of Eldians. She had no place in their world. And yet, Hange was happy. It was the bitter truth she was afraid to admit for so long - she loved the persona of Squad Leader Hange. So much more than the persona of the Professor and war engineer, Hange Zoe.

But nothing could last forever. And when the time has come to return to Marley, Hange was devastated. She lost herself in playing her own game.

“That’s it, I guess,” she said, rolling her shoulders. Looking up, she saw they were almost by the stables where they left their horses in the morning. So deep inside her own head, she failed to notice how much time had passed. “I ran away because I was sick of my life back home. And I spent five years pretending to be someone else.”

“Were you really?” Moblit watched her, his gaze inquisitive. “Were you really pretending to be someone else, Hange-san? Or did you finally allow yourself to release your true self?”

That was… a scary statement. And much more loaded than Hange could deal with in that moment.

“I could be wrong, though,” Moblit shot her an innocent smile. Hange cursed under her breath, a true devil, that’s what he was. Getting her to admit to so much of her insecurities, Moblit surely had a talent for it. And to think he asked her to help him with interrogation. He seemed to be pretty adept at it himself.

“Stay here, I’ll bring our horses,” he started walking in the direction of the stables, but at the last moment turned away, and, meeting Hange’s eyes, added, “I’m glad that you took that mission, Hange-san. And I’m glad that I got to meet the real you. All of us are.”

Hange snorted, watching Moblit go. Perhaps, her father was right about something. Devils, all of them were. How else to explain the ease with which they wormed their way into her heart?

Her shoulders dropped as soon as Moblit had disappeared from her view, and she turned to stare at the setting sun. Certainly, it was one hell of a draining conversation.

But as her thoughts were still scattered in disarray, her heart felt so much lighter. She never shared this part of her with anyone, was afraid to admit it even to herself. But now she was glad she had finally done it. Perhaps, she should have done it a long time ago. Her life could have been easier then, the amount of regrets considerably lesser.

She swept her gaze around the plaza Moblit left her at. With the day coming to an end, not a lot of people were there. As far as Hange could see, the only ones still present were a happy mother with a two children, who were feeding the pigeons on the bench at the far side of the plaza, an elderly couple, and—

And a girl that sat at the edge of the fountain. The short stature, slumped shoulders, that luscious long black hair were familiar to the point of setting Hange's heart ablaze.

She couldn't see the face, was afraid to, but even so, Hange denied what her eyes saw. Surely, it was her imagination, her mind conjuring things that weren't there. This girl, she was—

A shadow, fathom. It couldn't be— it couldn't be her. Even the possibility of it was raising the hairs at the back of Hange's neck.

It wasn't Pieck, just a random girl. Hange was wrong, simply seeing things. Those familiar traits belonged to someone else. Pieck wasn't here, in Paradis, Pieck couldn't be—

"Hange?" she jumped, and whirled around so swiftly her head went dizzy. Before her stood Moblit, his eyebrows knitted together worriedly. "Everything alright?"

She exhaled with relief. "Peachy," she answered with a smile she didn't feel. Her eyes shifted from one side of plaza to the other, searching for the figure she had seen. But like all shadows do, she simply vanished.

"I brought our horses," Moblit gestured for her to follow him. Hange did, not looking back even once.

Even so, she felt someone's gaze burning into her back all the way to the headquarters.

___

"Sorry," Moblit stood at the threshold of her room, shifting his weight from one foot to another. "I need to report to Zacklay and Pixis."

His expression was nearly apologetic. Hange patted his shoulder, touched by his not so subtle concern. "Stop worrying so much, Mob. Nothing would happen if you leave me for one evening."

Moblit kept frowning, looking as unconvinced as ever. "I'll tell Sasha and Connie to bring you dinner,” he nodded to himself. “And if you need anything, just tell the guard to call for me."

"Alright, alright. Now go!" Hange gave him a forceful push. "And make me proud!"

She didn't get an answer out of him, but she did see a faint blush appear on his cheeks. That was enough for Hange to chuckle victoriously.

Once Moblit had disappeared around the corner, Hange shoved the door closed and leaned against it. It was an exhausting, eventful day. She wanted nothing more than to rest. She headed towards the bed to fulfill that exact goal.

But no sooner than she had seated down, she heard the knock on the door. Albeit quietly, it was repeated three more times.

Sighing, Hange stood up again and walked back to the door. She swung it open, expecting to see Sasha and Connie. She was hoping to get a warm meal inside while gossiping with the two teenagers. A second later, the door stood open. And Hange's throat was closed up.

On the other side of the threshold— there was no Sasha, no Connie. Only Pieck.

And so the shadow finally took form.

Pieck was dressed similarly to her, in the dark green uniform. Her hair was gathered in a low ponytail, a smile was playing on her lips. The subtle differences in her attire only added to the sense of disbelief.

At the sight of her lovely face, all air left Hange's lungs. She desperately tried to take a breath, opening and closing her mouth rapidly. She wasn’t sure for how long she would have continued gaping like a fish fresh out of the water hadn't Pieck taken the matters in her own hands.

"It's been a while, Hange," as always, she spoke in a quiet, sugary sweet voice. Usually it calmed Hange down. Now it was sending shivers down her spine. "Aren't you happy to see me?"

"Pieck," Hange meant to sound leveled, controlled. But even a single word came out shaky and unsure. "Pieck," she tried again, this time with more success. "What are you doing here?"

Pushing past Hange, Pieck walked inside the room, heavily sliding down on a chair. "Serving my country. Something you have forgotten about."

Pieck stared straight at her, hands folded in her lap, a picture of friendliness and innocence. But the smile Hange always found so endearing, now seemed almost chilling.

"Tell me, Hange, is this the part of your plan? Have you decided to use your old history with these people to destroy them from the inside? Or," Pieck paused, tilting her head to one side. She didn't look angry, or disappointed. If anything, she seemed simply curious. But the atmosphere in the room was tense, air electrified with trepidation. Hange knew Pieck all too well, she knew how dangerous the shifter girl could be. "Have you already forgotten what they did in Liberio, in our city? How they destroyed it? How killed thousands of men, women and children? These monsters almost killed Reiner, Porco," her voice wavered at the names of her dear comrades. But even then, she didn’t drop the unassuming façade. "And do you know what happened to Udo and Zophia? Have you seen what become of them?"

Stunned, Hange could only stare at Pieck. The words left her, her mind unable to come up with anything she could have used to explain herself.

Indifferent to Hange’s internal struggle, Pieck continued.

"Do you even care, Hange? About Marley, about us?"

"Of course, I do." How Pieck could even doubt that? Udo and Zophia, those bright, adorable children Hange couldn't quite imagine them being gone. "Pieck, you misunderstand, I've been captured, I'm not—"

"Don't make me laugh." Pieck interrupted curtly. "You have your own room, you walk freely through the town, you wear their uniform. Is this how they treat all of their prisoners? Awfully kind of them then, considering the monstrosities these devils committed."

"Pieck, listen—"

Pieck didn't want to.

"You always were a strange one, Hange," gracefully, the girl stood up, taking a step closer. With her hands behind her back, she started pacing, circling around Hange. "I could never understand what was going on inside your head. I still can't. But, naively, I thought that I knew you. That after years of fighting side by side, we grew close enough. And after the disaster at Liberio," she picked up a sheet of paper from Hange's desk, gave it a quick once over before disregarding it in favor of focusing her eyes on Hange once more. "I kept looking for you. I was so afraid to find your body under a fallen building or see you with a hole in the head. But you were nowhere to be found. Everyone was worried sick, the brass was livid - the devils from Paradis killed the Warhammer, took our Beast and now our brightest mind was missing as well. And then I remembered what I have seen during the fight. A short man approaching you, the same one who nearly killed Zeke, that Ackerman. I thought he had captured you, I thought you needed saving. Seems like I was wrong about that, huh?”

Even now, Pieck was keeping her calm. Despite the harsh accusations, her voice remained gentle, almost soothing. The smile was still in place, and her head was tilted up, peering into Hange’s eyes.

Hange did everything she could to escape that unsettling gaze.

“I also came to because I needed you,” Pieck continued. “I thought you would help me with my mission.”

Would she? Should she? Hange didn’t know. She knew what Professor Hange Zoe would have done. She knew what Squad Leader Hange would have done.

But what would she do?

“I guess it doesn’t matter. Whether you help us or not, the outcome will be the same. Paradis will fall, Hange. Consider it my only warning. If you wish to witness its demise alongside these devils, I won't stop you. But," without looking at Hange, Pieck laid a hand on her shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. "If your decision ever changes, I'll be happy to fight by your side."

After that, Pieck left the room, closing the door softly on her way out. Hange, however, didn’t move, remaining frozen in one place, too stunned to follow after Pieck and demand a more thorough explanation.

However... what was there to explain? Paradis will fall. Plain and simple.

Right now, Hange couldn't quite believe it, although she was supposed to expect it. What could possibly happen to that little island after Eren's desperate rampage? But even before that, Paradis was already doomed. The events that transpired at Shiganshina proved to the outside world just how dangerous the Eldians could be. And Shiganshina was simply a plant that had grown out of the seed of Grisha Yeager's crimes.

There was no hope for Paradis. There never was.

Paradis will fall.

What could she do to save it? Could she do something, anything at all? Could she help them, expose her nation's plans? Could she betray her motherland like that? If she shared the truth with people of Paradis, would they even believe her? Would her people forgive her?

Hange didn't know. Her mind was in frenzy, her thoughts flying from one horrible outcome to the other. It was in that catatonic state that Sasha and Connie found her.

"Hange-san? Is everything alright?"

Hange looked up, meeting their bewildered gazes. In that moment she realized - she didn't want these kids to die. She didn't want for them to suffer any more than they've already done. And the others - Moblit, Levi - Hange couldn't bear the thought of them in harm. But—

She didn't want for her fellow countrymen to die as well.

Fuck. Why was everything so hard these days, why it was so damn complicated? When would her heart stop tearing into two pieces? Why was everything out of her control?

It was always an issue of hers, the lack of control. This time was no different. Caught between crossfires, Hange didn't know which side to choose. Perhaps then... she shouldn't choose at all.

Perhaps, she should take the back seat. Let everything transpire the way it was supposed to be. Let them fight, let someone win.

And so, with a heavy heart and troubled consciousness, Hange came to a decision. She would not alert Paradis about the threat hanging over them. She would not help Marley in their fight.

But there was another side to all of this. Another warning, another trouble that couldn’t be ignored.

There was a danger of Marley invasion, but equally disturbing was the events transpiring inside the Walls. Something was brewing, a storm ready to swipe everyone in its path. And Hange had a nasty feeling that at the center of it, two figures stood – Yeager brothers.

Nothing could be done about Eren, Hange had doubts that even his closest friends had a single clue of what was going inside the boy’s head, what dangerous ideas were forming there. But Zeke, Hange knew how to deal with Zeke. She also knew someone who could deal with him in the most efficient way.

She didn’t know what Zeke was planning. But she was confident that Levi would be able to find out.

She just needed to give him a little push.

“Sasha,” Hange smiled at the girl, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “If you would be so kind, tell Moblit to visit me before he retires for the night.”

Moblit had mentioned that he was corresponding with Levi. The time has come to use this detail to her and the world’s advantage.

The world as they knew was changing, perhaps, it was already at the brink of collapse, horrible destruction. What did Moblit say? In these uncertain times, hope is all we have?

In that case, her only hope was Levi.

#does someone still remember that fic? i for sure had almost forgotten about it jdfsdkhgsjgh #levihan

[laraslandlockedblues]

I have something I’ve been thinking about, especially now that I’m back over on Twitter (admittedly with a new account than I’d had before) and have been trying to reconcile how I utilize different platforms and why.

Long rambles so I’ll be sure to tag this long post and put under a read more.

TL;DR - I essentially traumatized myself for a political group doing research after the 2016 election, and while I thought I could handle it I found out I could not. I walked away from politics and at the same time discovered that fandom/fanfic writing was alive and well and I lost myself into writing for DA. I literally did actively avoid politics through tumblr and fandom because it was what I needed to heal. It’s why I’ve been such a shitty ally, and while I know that doesn’t excuse my inaction and silence, it hopefully explains why I hid behind privilege and often didn’t speak up. However, moving forward, that will be different.

I can no longer stay silent.

Almost four years ago, after crying my eyes out on election night, I became part of a group that was trying to decide what the fuck we could do moving forward. We all took up roles and duties we were suited for, and at the start mine was to delve into research. I was good at it, and at the time I assured them that I was able to read things that could make your skin crawl and walk away unscathed. It was a skill we needed.

And so, I set to work. I dove into the world of pro-Trumpers, the alt-right, the radicalization of young white men through the internet, and I worked on learning. I would spend my days reading reddit, 4chan, wherever I could find them gathering and sharing their ideas and plans. I took notes. I studied their lexicon and wrote it down. I figured out how they dog whistled and what terms they used around “normies” to try to bring them into the alt-right. I studied how they were trying to “red pill” people. I studied the way they actively were trying to push the Overton Window so that their ideas could be enacted further down the road.

For weeks this was all I did.

At first I was fueled by my rage and disbelief at the election, and I was hopeful we could figure it out soon and overcome. As time went on, though, I lost that hope. I couldn’t walk away from the research unscathed. I carried it around with me, crying over what I was reading, what I was discovering. The depths of hatred in people shook me to my core, as well as the realization that I had been blind to it and even a part of it at one point. 

I was raised by conservatives who admire Ayn Rand, after all. It took me living out on my own and speaking to people from all walks of life that I finally began to shed both religion and my formerly held political views. Two of my closest friends are the children of illegal immigrants. They were the first of their families to graduate from college. Going to their graduation party (as well as others for their families) changed my whole world. Being the only white, English speaker in a room was exactly the kind of experience a lot of people in our country need to have.

And now I was having to research people who actively hated some of the best people I’ve ever met, and also actively worked to never be in the sort of situations I had found had changed me so completely as a person.

I gave up. I sank into such a deep depression I took to drinking more, drinking so that I could sleep instead of staying up until 5am, until I had to go seek a counselor. I was in a red state, in military healthcare, and my counselor only saw the symptoms and side effects of my depression, not the cause. I didn’t feel safe telling her that I was thoroughly depressed because of what I saw happening to my country. Because of the election.

So instead I was treated as an alcoholic, as if that was not a symptom and was in fact the main cause (don’t @ me, I know it makes it worse. But it was not the cause.)

Then I discovered Mass Effect for the first time. And I replayed Dragon Age. I fell in love with Garrus and once more with Alistair and Fenris and Cullen. Late at night, a little tipsy and wishing Garrus had had more of a romance, I googled him and discovered Ao3. And I began devouring fic. And then I had an idea for my own (Goose Bumps).

The rest is well-documented history, here.

I sought refuge in fandom and fanfic. I sought refuge in telling stories. I admittedly used some problematic tropes when I first started out, so enthralled by just finally *writing* again that I didn’t pay attention to how I was consuming the media. I hadn’t written in so long, having hit writer’s block with a mystery I’d been working on (inspired by the “sundown” town I had to visit in-laws in in Illinois), and the act of just writing anything was so liberating for me I gave little thought to anything else.

Never mind the fact that my first real interaction with someone in fandom led to me being manipulated, gaslit, and abused. We’ll gloss over that part.

But these things all compiled into a me who was no longer vocal when I saw things that were more than just concerning and needed to be addressed. I ignored things that made me angry. I saw mutuals sharing important political messages and my heart would start racing and I would log out for the day. I couldn’t see the content without having an adverse reaction to it. I also didn’t want to make myself a target by saying anything - after all, I had written fics and been targeted by an abuser simply for that. What sort of reaction would I get if I helped to call out problematic art and artists?

I was frozen by fear.

I let myself be silent. I let myself take refuge in my privilege as a white cis woman. I let myself only write and block anyone who was racist/sexist/ableist/terfs/you name it. I blocked and moved on.

Because I could.

I had that luxury.

I am no longer frozen by my fear. I am now emboldened by it. I understand wanting to seek refuge in fandom. I do. If moving forward me being political here on this platform causes you distress and you have to unfollow me, trust me.

I get it.

But I can no longer allow my silence to enable those who seek to cause harm. I can no longer stay silent in the face of what is happening in the world, in my country, in my backyard - in my fandom.

This is not in response to anything more than my determination to be better than I was. For three years I’ve allowed myself to seek shelter, while not allowing others the same decency or courtesy by creating a safe space free of racism or other harmful ideologies. I’m not the only one who deserves to seek shelter in fandom. White women are not the only ones who deserve to seek shelter in fandom.

If those statements seem radical or uncomfortable to you, feel free to show yourself the door.

This is not an attempt to explain away my past (in)actions. I don’t need pats on the back. I don’t need reaffirmation. These thoughts have just been circling in my head now that I’ve finally reconnected with that group and have been politically active on Twitter and my personal Facebook again. This blog is still mostly fandom and shitposts. But I also want to be better in how I participate here, instead of keeping it just to my Twitter.

Racists, TERFs, homophobes, sexists, fascists (yes, you’re a fascist if you’re “anti-antifa” get fucked), nazis, etc - none of your like are welcome here. My art is not for you.

#long post #personal #needed to ramble this out of my system #tw racism #tw alt-right #i'm determined to be better #and i will no longer be silent #this is not an excuse #i just needed to conquer my own trauma and now even if it still causes me distress #i have to act #tw: alcholism #tw: alchohol mention #forgot those two

[niall-talk]

Why Was I Invited?

Here you go anon. Hope this is ok for what you asked for about Niall having a party and Y/N stays to help clean up. Also thank you @undertheniall for the gif. Also no re-read no edit so there will be typos and such. Sorry not sorry💜💜💜

Y/N pov

It was that time of the year where Niall was getting ready to head home for the holidays. Everyone was gathered at his house for his “going away” party. Nothing to major; a bbq and drinks with what seemed like half of LA. You made the cut after being introduced to him through Mully from where you worked at 40 Love. You had helped out with the food and drinks halfway through the party after Niall had asked you to get this or that for him from the kitchen. You didn't mind it much since it meant you got to spend some time talking to him.

“You know he likes ya right,” you heard the voice come from behind you. You rolled your eyes before you turned to see who was lying to you. You knew that there was no way he liked you other than an acquaintance. You wouldn't even say you were friends yet.

You turned with a platter balanced in one hand and two bottles of beer in the other. “Yeah he likes me helping do the running so he doesn't have to,” you gave a half-hearted smile to the guy you knew from the bar.

“No,well maybe that to, but he likes ya. I can tell,” Justin reached around you to grab a beer from the refrigerator. “He looks at you different than he does the other girls.” He paused long enough to open the bottle and to look around the kitchen. He leaned closer and spoke low enough for only you to hear, “plus you're the only one from the bar that was invited.” He winked at you before he walked outside to join the rest of the party crowd.

Great now you had that running in your head. “Hey Y/N,” you heard Niall call out. “You get lost in there?” His words mixed with an amused laugh. You made your way to the door and rolled your eyes at the sight of him and Mully fighting over dominance of the grill.

“No I did not get lost. Just had a little chat with someone.” You handed the empty platter to Mully and one of the beers to Niall. Mully reached for the other bottle, but you took a drink of it before he could get it. “Sorry boss. Didn't know you wanted one.” That got a chuckle from Niall, and a glare from Mully.

Mully gave up the fight for grillmaster, and left you there with Niall. “So this is a pretty big deal huh?” You tried to act like your mind wasn't replaying the short talk you had with Justin. You turned away from Niall to survey the mass of people in his backyard.

“Eh, kind of. It's my last bbq before I disappear back home for a few months. Go back to London and Mullingar for the holidays. Won't see this lot for about three or four months.” He moved beside you to look at his circle of friends.

You just nod and take a draw from your bottle. If this was a goodbye to his friends then why were you there? You had met him at the bar a few times and you got along well with him, but you didn't think that made you a friend.

As the party progressed you slowed down your drinking. You had made it to your warm fuzzy giggle level of drunkness. Everyone was laughing, singing and enjoying the party. You knew from your time of being a bartender that everyone had consumed a lot of alcohol.

Niall had caught your eye as he was chugging a dark drink along with Gullet, Mully and Justin. After they finished the drinks they let out some sort of caveman grunt, and started laughing uncontrollably. You couldn't help but laugh at Niall's loud contagious laugh.

“Oi! What's so funny,” Niall asked when he noticed you laughing at them. His cheeks and nose were slightly rosie from the alcohol he had consumed. His eyes a little droopy and you were pretty sure there was a slur hidden in that heavier than usual Irish accent.

“You four grunting and cheering like cavemen,” you giggled from behind you hand you moved to cover your mouth. They made their comments and more grunts that caused you to laugh harder and you snorted. That caused you to laugh harder. You noticed that Niall had moved beside you. He was laughing so hard at you that he was bent over hand on his stomach. “Don't laugh at me,” you said with a soft punch to his arm.

“That's not fair Y/N. You started it.” He lightly jabbed you with his elbow. After you both settled down from the laughfest he wrapped an arm around your shoulder. “So you havin’ a good time at me party?”

You saw Justin out the corner of your eye and didn't miss the wink he gave you before he turned his attention elsewhere. “Yeah its been fun.”

Before you could try for a conversation people made their way over to let him know they were leaving. He never pulled his arm away from you as he told them bye. You were included in some of the goodbyes. You were also given a few glares as you stood there tucked under his arm.

You moved away from him after the fourth glare, “Bathroom,” was your response when he looked to see what was going on. He gave you a nod. You made it inside for the first time in a few hours. You saw the same mess inside as there was outside. Empty bottles, red solo cups and empty plates scattered everywhere.

After you returned from the bathroom you noticed the crowd had shrunken substantially. Then you noticed that not a single one of them even offered to lift a finger to clean up.

You grabbed one more beer before you joined the crowd of about six including Niall. “That's my girl,” he said with a chuckle. “Y/N is still going strong with me.” He once again pulled you to his side leaving his arm around your shoulders.

“That's only cause I got a great boss that won't make me come in early tomorrow right?” You look over to Mully along with the rest of the crowd.

“Are ya scheduled early?” Mully had a confused look on his face as if he was trying to remember your schedule. You gave him a slight nod before drinking half the bottle in one chug. “Nah don't worry about it. We'll figure it out later.” He downed the last of his drink before he went inside.

You were feeling a little dizzy from the alcohol and the warmth you were wrapped in from Niall. You leaned into him taking in his day worn cologne, natural musk and alcohol. It shouldn't smell good but on him it was a sweet musky smell that left you wanting more.

After about another twenty minutes Niall's hand was on your lower back guiding you inside. You were telling the rest of the crowd goodbye.

“I guess you're leaving too,” he said in more of a question. His eyes were slightly dull and eyelids heavy with alcohol induced tiredness. His speech was a little slower and you knew that he would be passing out soon.

“Thought I would help clean up some.” He started to protest but you cut him off. “I need to sober up more before I try to drive all the way home. Might as well make myself useful.” You couldn't help but smile at the goofy look on his face.

“You don't have to clean up. Was m'party. I'll get it tomorrow.” He tried to protest again, but you wouldn't have any part of it. “Fine,” he gave in with a huff. He was a cute drunk. Then again when wasn't he cute? “Let me get changed and I'll help ya.”

He headed up to his room and you headed for the kitchen. First thing you did was get you a cold bottle of water to help you sober up. After searching for cleaning supplies you set to work. You had not noticed that you were three-fourths of the way finished, and Niall had not come to help. You finished with a final wipe down of the kitchen table before you took the second trash bag out to the garage. It was nearly three a.m., and you were too tired to drive home. You crashed on the sofa and set your alarm for enough time to get home before work.

Niall pov

You let out a groan as the sunlight hit your face. You tried to hide from the light under your pillow, but it wasn't working. “Damn it,” you huffed after you tossed the pillow off the bed. You rolled off the bed headed straight for the bathroom. You saw your reflection, but didn't give a damn how you looked. You had a numb throbbing pain wrecking your head. You couldn't remember much from last night. You had a faint vision of chugging something dark that burned on the way down. Your stomach tried to turn on you at the thought of all you must have drunk. You looked for your pills but couldn't find them anywhere. You groaned as you gave up and headed for the kitchen.

When you made it downstairs you were surprised to say the least. You passed Mully's room and heard him snoring. “Lucky bastard,” you huffed. You looked around at the clean room. You were pretty sure it didn't look like this last night. You heard movement in the kitchen; so that's where you headed.

When you rounded the corner you stopped dead in your tracks. She was here. Y/N was in your kitchen standing in front of the stove. Shit now you cared how you looked, but it was a little too late for that. You stood there for a moment taking in the vision before you. You wondered if she knew what she did to you. You wondered if you had half the effect on her that she did on you.

“Oh hey Y/N,” you heard your gruff husky morning voice call out to her. She turned to see you in your shorts and bedhead hair. You couldn't stop the smile that found its way to your lips. She looked good standing there just doing her own thing. Damn it if you didn't feel like shit and look worse you would have tried to make a move. “You're here?”

“It appears that way,” Y/N pointed to the water and pills on the table. “Better get them in ya before you eat.”  

“Thanks. Did you come back?” You were confused. You looked around the kitchen that should have been a major disaster area after the party. You shuffle around the table and felt her warmth beside you.

“No I crashed on the sofa. Hope that's ok.” She looked over at me, “It was near three when I finished. So I just stayed here.”

Even more confused I asked, “Before you finished? And why didn't you sleep in one of the extra rooms?” I took the pills and finished the water.

“Yeah someone was going to change and come help clean up. That someone never made it back,” she smirked at me then went back to fixing breakfast.

I slapped a hand to my forehead, ‘“Sorry'bout that. I passed out. Barely remember even making it to my room.” I looked around the kitchen again, “You didn't have to clean. You shouldn't be cooking after all that.”

“Yeah well I'm pretty sure my stomach was going so start eating itself if I didn't feed it soon,” she laughed. That laugh was amazing and I wanted to hear it more.

She turned the stove top off and asked me to pass her a plate. I did and watched her plate up a serving of eggs toast sausage and bacon. “Your house; I assume you know where the drinks are.”

“What no coffee,” I teased her as I took the plate from her. I passed her the next plate and saw the side eye she gave me. God she looked good. I had to distract myself from outright ogling her entire body.

“Nope I don't drink it therefore I don't fix it,” she stated matter of factly.

She finished the second plate and I took it from her and sat both on the table. “What ya want to drink?” I opened the refrigerator and listed what I had.

We chatted over breakfast, but I honestly couldn't tell you half of what was said. I was so distracted by her. How beautiful Y/N was, how melodic her voice and laugh sounded. How natural she seemed to act with me. Not many people were like this around me. Not at first anyway. “Could you be any more perfect?”

She coughed sounding strangled. “Excuse me?” She said as she tried to catch her breath.

Oh shit you idiot. You said that outloud. I know I had to look panicked. I ran my hand over my face and up through my hair. There was no way to play that off. “Well I mean you clean and cook amazingly. Is there anything you can't do?” God I wanted to punch myself.

Her cheeks flushed and she suddenly couldn't look me in the eyes. “Oh um I mean,” she stammered. God she even looked good embarrassed. I'm sure I looked like a complete fool. After a brief pause in the conversation she glanced up at me through her lashes and smirked, “Just wait till ya get my bill for all that.” We both broke out into a fit of laughs.

“What's so damn funny,” Mully asked as he walked into the kitchen looking worse than I did. We just laughed harder at him. He joined us after fixing a plate.

"Ok well I guess I better head home to get read for work,” Y/N said as she took her dishes to the sink. I looked at Mully and kicked him under the table.

“What the hell man?” He glared at me completely oblivious to everything. I nodded my head in her direction as she was turned away from us. I raised my eyebrow at him and mouthed the words day off to him. He just looked at me while my unspoken request soaked into his brain. “Oh hey Y/N don't worry about work today." I silently thanked him.

Y/N turned back to us and asked if he was sure. He told her yeah he would take care of it. He gave me the smallest of nods but I caught it. Y/N hugged him and called him the best boss. Something stirred in me when she did that. There was a tightness in my chest and I felt my cheeks warm up when she messed with his bed hair. Get it together Niall.

“Yeah yeah,” he pushed her away and announced that he was going to his room and make some schedule changes.

“So I guess I need to go. Thanks for the invite to the party. I had fun.” She looked everywhere, but at me. Not going to lie; that hurt.

“No problem. Glad ya came. No need to leave unless ya got something else to do.” Her eyes immediately made contact with mine. Damn it why did I keep putting my foot in my mouth? “I mean you can hang out here if ya want. I got nothing to do today but recover from last night.”

She just looked at me and I could tell she was mulling it over in her head. “Thanks Niall, but I need a shower and clean clothes.”

Before I knew what happened I blurted out, “Got four showers here and you can borrow some clothes.” I instantly felt like that nervous awkward teen again with her. God what she did to me was ridiculous. “Besides I owe ya for the helping out with the party, the cleaning and breakfast.”

We sat in silence for what felt like an eternity. She finally gave me a nod. “Great, so come on and I'll get ya setup.” I appeared calm on the outside. Inside my inner teen was fist pumping.

After I got Y/N set up with a shower and clothes I cleaned the breakfast dishes up and decided a shower was needed for myself. As I made my way to my room I heard a door open. I stopped and had to pick my jaw up off the floor.

She stepped out of the room in a pair of my gym shorts and a t-shirt. Her wet hair hung loose pushed back behind her ear. She tapped away on her phone and let out a chuckle before she put her phone away. “Oh hey,” she blushed.

“Hey yourself,” was all I could think to say. “You good?” Y/N smiled with a nod. “Well make yourself at home. Gonna get a shower myself.”

“Thanks,” was her simple reply. Her arm brushed against mine when she passed me. I was pretty sure she felt the same spark I did with that contact. She had to because she stopped and looked up at me before she continued down the hallway.

After my shower we just sat around with the tv on for background noise and a momentary distraction. “Ok so I have to ask,” her voice broke the silence between us. I turned to face her scared of what was to come next. “I talked with Justin last night,” she paused and looked away. What the hell did Justin say? “Why was I invited last night. He said I was the only one from work that was invited.”

Remind me to kill him later. “I mean,” now it was my turn to look away and think over my words before I made a fool of myself again. “I don't know. I just feel like we click. Ya know we get along well.”

As the words left my lips her expression changed. Not sure if sadness is the right term but her smile wasn't as full as it had been. Her eyes shifted down to her hands that was playing with the blanket she was covered with. Was that not what she wanted to hear? Someone help me out here. “Why? What did he say?”

“He said he thought you liked me. That I was the only one from work that was invited.” The look I had tried to figure out on her face never changed and I finally recognized it as disappointment. “I told him he was wrong.” Y/n's voice sounded so weak. She tossed the blanket off her legs to get up from the sofa. “I'm sorry. I need to go.”

My heart jumped out of my chest it was beating so hard and fast. I had to do something; say something. I didn't want her to go. I dropped my head to the back of the sofa and rubbed my hands over my face. “Wait,” I blurted out.

I stood and grabbed her elbow to keep her there with me. She turned all wide eyed. “He may not have been wrong. I just.” I looked into her beautiful eyes and lost my train of thought. I looked over her entire face still not sure what to say. I looked at her mouth. Those lips looked so soft and inviting. I don't know what came over me. I kissed her. It wasn't a deep passionate one but it was soft and quick.

As I pulled back I took in the confused but happy look on her face. “Shit sorry. I shouldn't have done that.” She tried to protest, but I cut her off. “I just don't know what to do around you. I like ya, and want to get to know ya better Y/N. You just have this pull on me. If you are near I just get pulled in and want to be around ya.”

I waited for her to say something. A hint of where she was with all of this. Did she feel anything like I did. Was this all just one sided? God just give me a hint of what was going on in her head. As if the heavens heard my plea Y/N hugged me. “How do we get to know each other with you leaving for three months?”

I wrapped my arm around her and closed my eyes in a silent celebration. “We could start with lunch. I'll call in a delivery?”

#niall horan #niall fic #anon req #non smut #why was i invited #akward niall #thank you anon #thank you justine #why am i like this #no edit #sorry not sorry #prob gonna be errors

[purplesurveys]

316

Hi college is eating me up and it’s finals week so there literally has been no time at all to sneak in a survey and I have been so miserable all week–all I want is to write my thoughts awaaaaaaaay. I do have this small break (although I shouldn’t even be having one; I have another PowerPoint presentation that I should be making right now) but I miss surveys way too much. Think back to yesterday, what were you doing around this time? I was having an early dinner with Gabie at this fried chicken place. They have the best umami chicken. What was the last thing you watched on the TV? I don’t watch TV anymore, but I watched Friends on Netflix last. Do you think pets can get annoying easily? No. Ever since having my dog, I’ve always liked having animals as companions. He drives me crazy when he goes in and out of my room at 3 AM though, but he’s still my son. Did you know that pickles have no calories? Cool, but has no effect on me because I hate pickles. Do you enjoy family get togethers? It’s alright when it involves going for out-of-town trips, but in terms of spending quality time together in the living room or just bonding with each other, the thought makes me uncomfortable. My family has never exercised that and just the idea of being emotionally close with family doesn’t exactly make me feel good.

In a group of three, do you often feel like the third wheel? Depends how close I am with them. Going out with people I barely know that also happen to be in a relationship sounds insanely boring. What color are your pants? The jeans I wore today were light blue, but I’ve since taken them off. Is there snow on the ground where you are? No. There is never snow anywhere near where I live, and there never has been. What is keeping you warm right now? Philippine humidity. Has anyone bought you a piece of jewelry? Yep. That’s my favorite form of gift, so my girlfriend has gotten me a couple of necklaces. How far away is your next birthday? 11 months away. I just celebrated it. Do you have plans for that birthday yet? Hahahahaha no. I guess a lot of drinks? Or maybe another beach trip. I dunno. Do you think it’s attractive for a man to wear eyeliner? I haven’t really seen a guy do that in a while so I wouldn’t know how to find it. When did you last take a shower? This morning, before going off to school. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? I haven’t. It would be nice to visit it one day. Have you ever flown somewhere alone? Nope. Too scared to do that. I’d rather have Gab with me; she can take care of everything. Are you more serious or funny? Serious, but I have my funny side with people I’m close with.  Is there someone that annoys you but you haven’t told them? Yes oh my god. I thought I’d be the person that never gets peeved by their orgmates, but some are showing their true colors now that I’m a full-time member and they just getttttttt on my nerves and everyone else’s. When is garbage day in your area? Friday. I always see them out on that day when I drive out to school. Who/What was the last thing to really irritate you? It was really warm and humid awhile ago and I was in skinny jeans, and it was the most uncomfortable I’ve felt in a while. Do you think people either love or hate spongebob? No, I think a large amount of people not care. I genuinely enjoy SpongeBob and watch old episodes, though. Have you seen that new “Lie To Me” show? I have never heard of such a show. What is something you’d rather be doing right now? EATING. I’m starving. I was in a workshop all day and didn’t have room to eat. My last meal was last night’s dinner. Do you find that people are too hard on you? I don’t think so, no. Do you take surveys often? Oh man. I used to take like five a day. I’m busier these days, so I can’t take as many as I want as often as I want. I take an average of one every week and a half now. Who was the last person you yelled at? Maybe my girlfriend, but it was playful. Do you tend to slam things around when you’re mad? A little bit, yeah. My anger is more manifested through my driving though; I get dangerous and reckless. I need help with that. Do you know anyone who hates/dislikes chocolate? I know one who claims she does but I just think she wants to be special. > This made me smile. Haha, no not really. Gabie doesn’t eat chocolate but she doesn’t despise them. Do you know anyone who is racist? Welcome to the Philippines, where racism and sexism is propagated on a regular basis to the masses. Could you vote in this last election? I did. I turned 18 two weeks prior, so I was really lucky. Have you taken a shower today? Yep. Answered this already. How much sleep did you get last night? 6 hours. Do you have more girl friends or guy friends? Girl. What is your current mood? Hungry. Is there anything on your mind at the moment? Now that I know my mom is coming home with burgers, all I can think about is my order. Are there any movies out that you’d like to see? The Incredibles 2 and Ocean’s 8. Have you ever been on a website called Stickam? Doubt that. Have you ever hated yourself? For the past eight years, my friend. Are you hungry? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Did your parents ever ground you? They used to whenever I would get bad marks, which in retrospect I deserved but I still feel that for most of the time, they went overboard with it. They took away every avenue for me to have fun and I just performed worse as a result. Thankfully I got out of that cycle and just had all my grades improve one day, and they haven’t grounded me since. Where was the last place you went out to eat? It’s this local fried chicken place called Bad Bird. Have you ever felt like you needed a better life than the one you have? I have. I still do. I feel that I deserve a better life at this point. Do you own an MP3 player of some kind? I used to own one of the fake kinds hahaha. Do you have a moment in your life you wish you could replay over again? Many, many. Have you ever been in a play? If so, did you like it? Yeah but only because my entire batch was required to take part in it. I’ve never had a solo part, nor do I ever want that. What is one musical artist you wish wasn’t making music? Meghan Trainor. When was the last time you cleaned something? I cleaned some dishes yesterday. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? Yes, once. Do you like your smile? I can live with it. Do you have someone that you think truly understands you? Yes. When was the last time you doubted yourself? Right now. I’m doubting myself right now. I’m running for a position for my org’s elections and I’m thinking of the worst that could happen, as always. Is there anything currently bothering you? Yeah, this damned elections. Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? Don’t we all have something that we could claim as our own? Who was the last person to cheer you up when you were down? Gabie. Are you scared of what you do not know? I think we all are to some degree. But I try not to let it affect me. > Pretty much. Is there anything in the next six months that you’re looking forward to? Yes, I’ll be going museum-hopping when this semester ends, and I will be seeing Paramore this August <3 Were you/are you popular in high school? I was in the popular crowd but I hated being in the spotlight. Do you really care what people think about you? No. Only the people that mean the most to me, and that’s not a very huge circle either. Do you find yourself treating others like you’d want to be treated? Yes. Whenever I find myself bordering on being a bitch to anyone I just sort of unconsciously remember how I would hate it if I was treated the same way. If anyone needs extra help with something I go above and beyond to help them out because I know I would appreciate it too if someone went out of their way just to assist me. Are you constantly envious of others? Yes but it just stays in my head. Are you more of a whiner with things or a do’er of things? I whine a lot but I go right ahead and do things. List three of your favorite TV shows: Friends, Breaking Bad, Kitchen Nightmares. Would your friends say you’re a relaxed person or stressed? Stressed. What do you find yourself worrying most about these days? I’m always worrying about my grades and whether I’d still be running for Latin honors by the end of the semester. Thankfully I’m in the running for magna cum laude, so I still have cum laude as a fallback if ever I do absolutely awful for one semester. Would you say it’s hard to earn your trust? Not really. I’m very generous with people to begin with, but it’s almost impossible to earn it back. There’s a difference. Who was the last person to compliment you? My girlfriend told me I looked good yesterday. Anything interesting happen this past week? I went to my first Community Journalism Workshop today! To explain, CJW is my org’s flagship campaign- go to a community-level school and teach them journ basics, hopefully get them to improve their media literacy. It’s the first CJW ever since I got inducted as a member so I made it a point to go to finally see what it’s like. When was the last time you felt scared? Awhile ago the driver of our van got into an accident with this dumb jeepney driver so I felt scared for a bit. What’s on your mind this very second? “When is my burger getting home?” Do you know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’? Cue Ross Geller screaming, “By the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means your!”

Do you correct other people’s grammar/spelling when talking to them online? Not online, but personally. Is bacon one of your favorite foods? No, I’m quite tired of it already. Are you one of those people who like to sleep in on the weekends? When I can. Do you like things vampire-related? Just the Twilight Saga hahaha. Have you ever cussed at a parent or teacher? I’ve cursed in front of a parent, but not thrown the cuss word at them. I’ve never curse in front of a teacher. When was the last time you saw snow? Never. Have you ever felt stupid after saying something? Always. Do you find yourself cold at the moment? Never these days. Are your nails currently long? They’re pretty long for someone in a girl-girl relationship lmfao. They’re  objectively short though. Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? Depends on what part of my past. > Yes. Do you have long slender fingers or short chunky ones? Slender ones. Do you think your foot size fits your body type? I guess? I’m generally a petite person and my body type is slim, so I guess? Are you the competitive type? Poisonously. Are you more of a mommy’s person or a daddy’s person? Neither.

#survey #surveys

[meimikana]

Meimiday 2017 Wall of Awesome

GET HYPE!

January 28th is my birthday, dubbed Meimiday several years ago by my friends (I think it was hojo who started it). For those years, I would spend all day watching streams from said friends playing games for my birthday entertainment. Five years ago, however, when asked what I’d like to see I kinda just went “Why don’t you just beat some games?” and so the festivities truly began. Most of us frequent the Backloggery, so it’s kinda easy to see why it has snowballed~

MEIMIDAY 2017 HAS BEEN A RESOUNDING SUCCESS!

Neko :B: Picross 3D Round 2 :B: Final Fantasy X HD :B: Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix HD :B: Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep 0.2 -a fragmentary passage- :B: Kingdom Hearts Unchained [χ] Back Cover :B: flOw

John :B: SUPERHOT :B: Arslan: The Warriors of Legend :B: Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon :B: Fate/Extra (and :B: his PSP backlog with it!) :B: Raiden IV OverKill :B: Dungeons & Dragons: Shadow Over Mystara :B: Dungeons & Dragons: Tower of Doom :B: Freedom Planet :B: Resident Evil Revelations :B: Caladrius Blaze :B: Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep 0.2 -A fragmentary passage-

Hojo :C: Picross e7 :C: World of Final Fantasy :C: Hatsune Miku: Project Diva F 2nd :C: Tomba! :B: Contrast :C: Shantae and the Pirate's Curse :B: Cave Story+ :B: Gears of War 4 :B: New Super Luigi U :B: Tecmo Super Bowl

Lilith :B: Mother 2 Deluxe (Mother 2 hack) :B: Diablo :B: & :C: Spyro :M: Pokémon Pink (Pokemon Blue hack) :C: 3D Altered Beast :C: Super Mario Advance :B: Starfox 64 3D :B: Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (beta 8)

Bug :B: & :C: Kirby's Dreamland 2 :B: Final Fantasy XV :B: World of Final Fantasy

Cephi :B: Jetpac (Rare Replay) :B: Lunar Jetman (Rare Replay) :B: Atic Atac (Rare Replay) :B: Sabre Wulf (Rare Replay) :B: Underwurlde (Rare Replay) :B: Knight Lore (Rare Replay) :B: Gunfright (Rare Replay) :B: Slalom (Rare Replay) :B: R.C. Pro-Am (Rare Replay) :B: Cobra Triangle (Rare Replay) :B: Solar Jetman (Rare Replay) :B: Digger T. Rock (Rare Replay) :B: Battletoads (Rare Replay) :B: R.C. Pro-Am II (Rare Replay) :B: Battletoads Arcade (Rare Replay) :B: Killer Instinct Gold (Rare Replay) :B: Blast Corps (Rare Replay) :C: Banjo-Kazooie (Rare Replay) :B: Banjo-Tooie (Rare Replay) :B: Conker's Bad Fur Day (Rare Replay) :B: Grabbed by the Ghoulies (Rare Replay) :B: Shantae :B: Jetpac Refuelled (Rare Replay) :B: Perfect Dark Zero (Rare Replay) :B: Picross e7 :C: Picross 3D Round 2 :C: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney − Spirit of Justice :B: Ori and the Blind Forest :B: Dungeons & Dragons: Shadow Over Mystara :B: Sonic the Fighters :B: Caladrius Blaze :B: DEAD OR ALIVE Xtreme 3 Fortune

iErebus :B: Resident Evil 6 :B: The Walking Dead: Michonne - Episode 2: Give No Shelter :B: The Walking Dead: Michonne - Episode 3: What We Deserve

Nai :B: Mighty Switch Force! Hyper Drive Edition :B: Mighty Switch Force! 2

Yutoma :C: Killing Floor 2 :C: Donkey Kong Country :C: Ape Escape

SaintTweeter :B: Senran Kagura: Estival Versus :B: Final Fantasy Type 0 :B: Infamous First Light :B: Xenoblade Chronicles X

ConsoleHandheld :B: Dragon Quest VII: Fragments of the Forgotten Past (their 100th :B:/:C:!)

EIUPaladin :B: Final Fantasy XV :B: Broforce

ShadowStarEXE :C: DuckTales: Remastered :C: Shadow of the Colossus :C: Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy :B: Spyro the Dragon :B: River City Ransom

PaperLink :C: Kirby Super Star (with soaring_wings)

soaring_wings :C: Kirby Super Star (with PaperLink)

Domo :B: Final Fantasy IX

eski514 :B: Golden Sun :B: Mass Effect :B: Mario Kart: Super Circuit :B: Contra :B: Sam and Max 106: Bright Side of the Moon

Sobou :B: SteamWorld Dig :B: Curse of the Crescent Isle DX :B: Inexistence :B: Odallus: The Dark Call :C: WarCraft II Tides of Darkness :C: Thomas Was Alone :C: The Legend of the Mystical Ninja :B: Final Fantasy I :B: Expendabros :B: Supercharged Robot VULKAISER

Dia :C: Code: Realize ~Guardian of Rebirth~ :C: Norn9: Var Commons :B: Tales of Phantasia :B: Tales of Symphonia :B: Gravity Rush

Ginger :C: Code: Realize ~Guardian of Rebirth~ :B: God of War III :B: Final Fantasy XIII-2

JellySoup :C: Human Resource Management :C: Freebie

Crimson Neko :B: American McGee's Alice

Orbo :B: Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance :B: Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth By Sleep - A Fragmentary Passage

Alienjesus :B: & :C: Paper Mario

Maeryn :B: Final Fantasy X HD

Drumble :B: Tetris Battle Gaiden

Ayaikun :B: Nier

Moomba :C: Another World :B: Flower :B: Gal Gunvolt

Altrius :B: Halo Wars: Definitive Edition

gaiages :B: Crypt of the Necrodancer

fireemblemlord :B: Blazblue:Calamity Trigger

Walu :B: Parodius Da! Shinwa kara Owarai e :B: & :C: Bump 'n' Jump :B: & :C: Adventure Island 3

Try4ce :B: Resident Evil 7 :B: Road Avenger :B: Kirby no Kirakira Kizzu

Slythex :B: Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls

Lyndis :C: Journey

Honorable Mention: Hojo :C: Metal Storm (Moana was calling, so he had to break for movie time.)

#Meimiday

[ladytitanium]

1,2,7 to 17, 19 to 23, 25 to 70

OKAY SO this got suuuuper long and I’m gonna answer it under a readmore but thank you so much for asking!

1. First game you played obsessively?

Definitely Minecraft. I got it around 2012 and played it whenever I could, although shortly afterwards I moved on to playing a lot of TF2 with some online friends.

2. A game that has influenced you creatively? Writing, drawing, etc. 

TF2 and Portal 2 were the first things I ever wrote fanfic for, so I’d say those two are big and important for sure. More recently, though, Transistor and Pyre have been inspiring me to pursue more art and music.

7. Any games you have multiple copies of?

I have Portal 2 for xbox 360 and PC.

8. Rarest/Most expensive game in your collection?

I had a copy of Link to the Past in great condition, but my ex stole that and my entire SNES so :/

9. Most regrettable purchase?

No Man’s Sky is the obvious answer but I think I have some steam games lying around that I bought and played once, or just never touched. Not sure which ones, though. Usually if I’m going to spend actual money on something, I try to make sure it’s good first.

10. Ever go to a midnight game release or stand in line for hours?

No, but I’d like to someday.

11. Have you ever made new friends from playing video games?

Not in the sense of meeting people in an mmo or anything, but I’ve definitely bonded with people I’ve met over a mutual love of games.

12. Ever get picked on for liking games?

Nah, not really. I’ve been picked on more for not having played enough games, honestly.

13. A game you’ve never played that everyone else has?

I’ve never played Overwatch or most online competitive games, or any MMOs aside from like 5 hours of gw2.

14. Favorite game music?

Anything Darren Korb, the composer for Supergiant Games, has made. Bastion, Transistor, and Pyre OSTs will always have a special place in my heart. Honorable mention goes to the Portal 2 soundtrack.

15. If it was a requirement to get a game related tattoo, what would you pick?

I……. have a triforce tattoo…….. on my left wrist……………

16. Favorite game to play with your friends IRL?

I tend to like watching people play games rather than doing competitive or couch coop type things, so it’s hard to say. I used to hang out with my friends while we all did playthroughs of the Mass Effect trilogy, though, which was wonderful.

17. Ever lose a friend over a game?

Nah. Had some arguments over the Souls games, though.

19. Favorite handheld console?

3DS, definitely, although I do have some nostalgia for the good ol’ GBA.

20. Game that you know like the back of your hand?

Portal 2, although it’s been a few years since I’ve played so I might not be as familiar with it as I once was. Barring that, Stardew Valley.

21. Game that you didn’t like or understand as a kid but love now?

I can’t think of any, honestly, since I almost never played anything as a kid.

22. Do you wear game related clothing/accessories?

The occasional Zelda t-shirt, and my old Aperture Science tanktop. I’d wear more if I owned more.

23. The game that you’ve logged the most hours into?

TF2, I think? I used to play for hours every evening.

25. Were you ever an arcade game player?

Sadly, no. My mother thought arcades were giant wastes of time and money and would corrupt me and make me stupid. 

26. Ever form any gaming rivalries?

No, I don’t get competitive much. 

27. Game that makes you rage?

Any kind of roguelike makes me angry just thinking about it. I hate losing progress. Really difficult platformers make me frustrated and angry too.

28. Ever play in a tournament?

Dear god no.

29. What is your gaming set up?

Currently, none. I have a shitty, half-broken laptop.

30. How many consoles do you own?

I own a Switch and a 3DS. I have access to an XBONE though.

31. Does the 3DS and/or Virtual Boy hurt your eyes or give you headaches?

I’ve never tried a Virtual Boy, but leaving the 3D on high on my 3DS is something I’ve only done once due to the nasty headache it gave me.

32. Did you ever play a game based on your favorite show/cartoon/movie/comic?

I don’t think so, no.

33. Did you ever have any bootleg games or plug-n-play games?

I had a Sonic handheld game from a happy meal, does that count?

34. Do either of your parents play video games?

My dad does, a lot. Mostly MMOs. I think my mother did too, but mostly Civ, some ancient Egypt themed MMO, and Guild Wars, from what I can recall.

35. Ever work in a game store? Or do you have a favorite game shop?

I worked in a game store for about six months late last year/early this year. It’s the best job I’ve ever had.

36. Have you ever shed actual blood, sweat or tears over a game?

Oh, tears, absolutely. Plenty of games have made me cry. FFXV, Persona 5, Transistor, Portal 2, the list goes on.

37. Have you played E.T. for the Atari 2600? Do you think that’s the worst game ever, or do you have another nomination?

I actually have played it! Perks of working at a game store that sells Ataris. I was utterly baffled by it, so I think “worst game ever made” is a fair title.

38. A game you’re ashamed to admit that you like?

I really enjoy all the walking simulators/art games I’ve played. I know a lot of people say they aren’t real games or whatever but I think most of the ones I’ve played are genuinely enjoyable experiences.

39. A sequel that you would die for them to make?

...Portal 3, but with the same writers+VAs+team in general. I know that’ll never happen now but I need it like I need air.

40. What to you think of virtual reality headsets or motion controls?

Motion controls can be hit or miss. I think they need to be integrated well and very functional to be enjoyable. Like, wii sports and stuff? I loved it. Those tilt puzzles in the shrines in BOTW? Absolutely horrendous. As for VR, I really want to try it someday. I think it’s neat.

41. A genre that you just can’t get into?

Roguelikes, Souls-like (where the only purpose of the game is to be as difficult as possible so people who master it can be snobs about it), and any realistic online-only FPS things like Call of Duty are the three main things I will never, ever touch.

42. Maybe it wasn’t your first game, but what was the game that started you on your path to nerdiness?

Pokemon Ruby, absolutely.

43. Ever play games when you really should have been concentrating on something else?

All through the second half of high school, tbh.

44. Arcade machine that has consumed the most of your quarters?

I’ve never actually gotten to play arcade games much.

45. How are you at Mario Kart?

I’m only decent at Mario Kart Wii, because I played it a lot.

46. Do you like relaxing games like Animal Crossing or Harvest Moon?

Absolutely! Animal Crossing New Leaf and City Folk are games I love dearly and have spent a LOT of time on over the years.

47. Do you like competitive games?

Almost never. I only ever played TF2 with friends, and that pretty much extends to any competitive game I might play. Only with friends, and only sometimes.

48. How long does it take your to customize your player character?

So. Long.

49. In games where you can pick your class, do you always tend to go for the same type of character?

Yeah, mages are kind of my thing. I get jumpy when I have to do a bunch of melee so I tend to prefer to stand back a little. I always went full biotic in Mass Effect for that reason.

50. If you were a game designer, what masterpiece would you create?

That’s a tough one. I’ve had a few concepts over the years, but none that have really stuck with me.

51. Have you ever played a game for so long that you forgot to eat or sleep?

Yeah, definitely. I lose track of time really easily if I’m absorbed in something.

52. A game that you begged your parents for as a kid?

All Pokemon games from gen 4+5.

53. What’s your opinion on DLC these days?

Any DLC that adds characters or plot necessary for the full enjoyment of the game should be free imo. Skins/weapons/maps/non-essential quests and missions can be behind a paywall. Like, ME3′s From Ashes DLC should have been free, and I go back and forth between whether it was cool to have Citadel and Omega DLCs behind paywalls, but all the weapons/armor/alternate appearance packs I’m totally fine with being paid DLC.

54. Do you give in to Steam sales?

Only when I have money.

55. Did you ever make someone you hated in the Sims and did mean stuff to them?

I never played any Sims games.

56. Did you ever play Roller Coaster Tycoon and kill off your guests?

Never played Roller Coaster Tycoon either.

57. Did you ever play a game to 100% or get all of the achievements?

Minish Cap, I think? I tried to 100% Super Mario Galaxy but I couldn’t ever quite do it.

58. If you can only play 3 games for the rest of your life, which ones do you pick?

Oh, shit. Uh. Animal Crossing New Leaf, Pokemon Sun (or Moon), and... I can’t pick a third one. Probably something with multiplayer.

59. Do you play any cell phone games?

Yeah, but most of them are just little time-wasting puzzle games.

60. Do you know the Konami Code?

Yes!

61. Do you trade in your games or keep them forever?

I’ve never traded in a game but I might if I bought a physical copy of something I didn’t like.

62. Ever buy a console specifically to play one game?

Does the Switch count, since till Splatoon 2 came out I only had BOTW on it? I’ve considered getting a PS4 just for P5 and Horizon Zero Dawn.

63. Ever go to a gaming convention or tournament? 

I went to GenCon a few times when I was really young but I barely remember it, and I’ve tagged along to a handful of Warhammer 40k tournaments with my dad, but that was also like 10 years ago. So no, not really.

64. Ever make a TV or monitor purchase based on what would be best for gaming?

I’ve never bought a TV or monitor myself.

65. Ever have a Game Genie, Game Shark or Action Replay? Did it ever mess up your game’s save file?

I had an Action Replay for shinies in X and Y.

66. Did you ever have have an old Nokia with Snake on it?

No, my first phone was a Windows phone when I was 14 because my mother hated technology and wanted to control me so a phone was way too much freedom and entirely out of the question :/

67. Do you have a happy gaming-related childhood memory you want to share?

I remember the first time I beat Portal 2, sitting on the floor in front of the TV and crying tears of joy. That was pretty great.

68. Ever save up a ton of tickets in an arcade to get something cool?

I wanted to, but didn’t go to arcades enough.

69. In your opinion, best game ever made? 

Transistor. Can’t think of a single bad thing about it, honestly. Persona 5 and Horizon Zero Dawn are near-flawless too.

70. Very first game you ever beat?

The first game I beat was Pokemon Ruby, but idk if that counts since I shared with my brother, and I think my dad had to help us beat the Elite 4 because we were young and didn’t grind enough. I took turns with Portal 2, too. Portal 1, maybe?

#anonymous #goodsola shh