#bleh i think i should sleep before i trigger myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nyrator · 4 years

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been feeling like venting, so just some random vents- then afterwards, JSRF ramblings because I just beat that game

turning 29 at the end of the week, not looking forward to it- turning 30 next year terrifies me

mother’s funeral was friday, got that out of the way relatively painlessly (other than having to spend an extra 800 dollars just to bury my sister with her, about $4500 by the end of it

gofundme raised about $2000, other donations about $1300 last I counted (probably higher), so most of it was covered

yesterday my mother’s 70 year old best friend held a party at a bar for my mother’s friends and I was obligated to go, bunch of crazy old women talking like sailors, drinking and smoking pot and laughing about all the drugs they did and all the times they got raped (yeahhhh), the only person I was comfortable around was the best friend. And then the party ends two hours late, we’re getting kicked out of the bar, and this friend falls bending down to grab a picture of my mother that she dropped, smashes her face into the floor, and collapses with a pool of blood under her face, unmoving, right in front of me. I couldn’t get the words out that I’d go and pick the photo up for her before she went to get it, and I regret it

Thankfully, she only had a concussion and a broken nose, she started responding after about a minute of just lying there, but it messed me up, I think.

I’ve been debating if I want to start drinking. I never tried before, mainly because my father was an abusive and violent alcoholic. The other reason is because I’m afraid what I’d do to myself if I had no inhibitions in place, I feel like I’d be very dangerous to myself.

neck has been stiff for two days. Probably slept on it wrong. Also keep feeling like I get different symptoms of covid every so often after exposing myself to the public (that bar was packed with old people who wouldn’t wear masks and had no concept of personal space). Today my throat’s been sore and I can barely breathe.

my boss told me I can go back to work as soon as the funeral’s finished- not sure if I should call her to remind her or wait for her to call me, she texted me last week and I told her the funeral was on friday. But my coworker was also wondering and asked me today, and I didn’t know what to tell her, since my boss doesn’t want me to let her know just yet because of how limited they’re open (three days a week, four hours a day)

relationships are very hard

I’m a terrible person who does the bare minimum to help someone who’s terribly lonely and depressed, and it’s like I’m backed into a corner in desperation from being unable to do anything about it. I’ve caused so much harm to this relationship that I wonder if there’s any way it can survive sometimes

It’s always the case, though- I can’t get myself to do more than the minimum effort it takes, and my social anxiety prevents me from ever initiating anything, which has cost me so many people that I shouldn’t be surprised at this point. And I can feel that awful, selfish bitterness inside of me, that part of my father and my sister that’s in me that I try to suppress, and I hate it.

my diet is going well enough, lost over five pounds since starting it late August. But it’s mostly because I just dislike eating, so eating in portions is easier for me. And then there are days like today, where I just don’t eat at all. Just ate one slice of bread, 30g of peanut butter, and a small cup of ice cream today, and I don’t even feel hungry. Normally I try to get some food in me, but today I’m just too disgusted to even try to make dinner.

My sleep’s also been weird, still. Been going to bed later and later again, but can’t stay asleep. Usually only sleep in bouts of 3-4 hours, then just lay awake until I’m half asleep long enough that I feel the urge to give up and get up. It’s been like that for weeks now, I can’t remember the last full night of sleep I’ve gotten.

In lighter news, finally got back to playing JSRF. Beat it the other night after 24.5 hours of game time, just have a few more challenges left (did everything from Dogenzaka Hill to the Bottom of the Sewage Facility so far), got all graffiti and souls possible before beating the final boss. Played it via emulator (which worked great except for crashing when entering the graffiti selection occasionally) with a Switch Pro Controller, felt really good. I own it and the original Xbox for it, but just am spoiled by a PC experience, I suppose.

The gameplay is great, but the level design leaves a funny taste in my mouth. Aesthetics are worse than JSR for me, while music... it’s tough to say, it’s different than JSR, but really grew on me. Sometimes it felt more like noise (I remember the Sewage tracklist not speaking to me too much at first with the more ambient-ish tracks), but it did grow on me a lot. Baby-T was my Garage theme the entire game, such a great track.

Naganuma’s music in the first game was definitely the weakest of the original’s OST (still good of course), but in Future I feel he really stepped up his game. Teknopathetic is one of my favorite songs in the new OST.

speaking of favorite music, here’s mine from each game:

Bout the City

Dragula

Magical Girl

Miller Ball Breakers

Mischievous Boy

On the Bowl (A.Fargus Mix)

Rock It On

Super Brothers

Yellow Bream

Aisle 10

Baby-T

Birthday Cake

Count Latchula

I'm Not a Model

Like It Like This Like That

Rockin' the Mic

Statement of Intent

Teknopathetic

The Scrappy

(shout outs to Girls from the one JSR CD, haven’t listened to much of the other exclusive songs to it, but Girls was good)

but yeah, my minor gripes with Future

Linear level design was a bit painful (missing a jump and not being able to backtrack a lot was bleh), and the later levels were very painful (the sewage area and the rooftops are come to mind, skyscraper to a lesser extent but I liked the skyscraper one a bit more), but at the same time, they force you to get good, which I can appreciate, so hm. Still, a checkpoint system (especially since there are save points) or unlocking shortcuts would be a bit more convenient, if not entirely necessary.

Not having a way to stop auto-grinding, even if just holding down a trigger or something- the way I latched onto rails especially in the sewage area was painful

Points challenges mainly being “find the special points rail and just spamming Y” on it was a bit odd (mainly for the Jet Techs so far, just five minutes of spamming Y...), but I like how the combos feel in this game, especially X combos to speed up. Has a rhythm that’s hard to explain but just feels natural.

Also street challenges should’ve been explained better in general, had to look up most of the special ones (and glitched out the Shibuya Terminal one many times until realizing the fix was just “hop all over each platform multiple times and hope it counts”, the second one next to the tilted platform specifically for me

Mew/Bis/Rhyth’s redesign still hurts, but you better believe she’s the character I used throughout the entire game after unlocking her

Storywise, I think I like JSR’s take better- Professor K being a neutral party and more amusing/less insulting, Onishima > Hayashi, and the character designs and artstyle I overall prefer from the first game

Felt like it tried to add things that just didn’t really work sometimes (Death Ball comes to mind, though I haven’t messed with Versus yet, the story mission was very easy compared to how they hyped it up), and the boss battles were all... strange. Tagging enemies on that roller coaster level, having to grind up to that one Hayashi boss fight over and over and over, then even moreso for the final boss... never got much use out of targeting enemies, spinning circles around them, or things like the railgrab for high jumps or skidding to slow down for graffiti, either, but maybe they have their uses.

But man, the game did feel fun to play, just frustrating to explore, I think. I still like the idea of making Skatered, even more after playing this game. Maybe I could learn modding, or something...

Oh yeah, also got all the pieces of my costume together (minus some eva foam), we’ll see how that goes. Not looking forward to assembling it, honestly, but I can’t back out now. Main regret I think is the tights, being unable to find striped ones (and the solid ones I bought being a bit too see-through, I should’ve bought a size up maybe). Still not confident enough in my makeup abilities, either.

and one last bit of light news- I finally got my Kuja figure, he’s so beautiful and detailed and I need a good place to put him

#text stuffs #nyrants #lots of venting I apologize feel free to skip to the JSRF portion if you even feel like reading

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joiesomer · 4 years

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Who: Somer, Jeff ( @xjefferxx )

Where: a trip home for Jeff’s birthday

When: Nov 8

Notes/Triggers: cute, nsfw, cute, silly, nsfw

Johnny knew his brother was coming into town but he didn't know he'd be there the night before. Having wanted his pillow he made his way back to his room, only to stop when he heard a noise he knew well. Jeff was home. He was about to break in and wake him when he saw something by him. So that was the boyfriend huh? Grabbing his pillow, Johnny ran back to tell his brother Jackson what he saw.

~~~

It was 6 as Jeff's alarm went off. He slowly moved and still held Somer in his arms. Morning wasn’t his thing but he wanted to be up and cook for his siblings and his lover. Kissing Somer's forehead, he smiled. "Baby, time to get up and make breakfast before you meet my siblings."

"Wh'tm's it?" Somer mumbled. He tried to clutch Jeff closer and ended up cuddling a pillow instead. "'ff?" A tousled red head lifted up, eyes barely open. "... 's y'r birthd'y."

"Yeah, it is, but we said we'd get the kids going then we can start the celebrating together." Kissing him once more. "Come on, I'll make you your favorite ... " Jeff climbing over him, and coaxing him from the bed.

Another grumble as Somer resisted waking. Jeff's departure let all cold air into the bed, though, and Somer yelped. "Nghhh! Jeff!"

"Come on, it's my birthday ... I promise we'll get back into bed soon." Pulling him to stand and kissing Somer in a way that he knew would wake him. Fingers laced, they made their way down the stairs to the living room. Jeff set Somer on the counter. "Coffee or cocoa?"

"Don't drink coffee." Somer made a bleah face, trying vainly to smooth his hair down. He swung his feet a bit, yawning, and watched Jeff move competently around the kitchen. "... we should get an apartment with Austin 'n' Mason."

Jeff was starting on the eggs as he warmed the water for cocoa and got down mugs. The eggs were scrambled and cooking as he looked to Somer. "I thought you waned a place just for us."

Somer pointed out, intelligently he thought, "Austin's cooking." Then he yawned so hard his jaw cracked.

"You haven't had mine yet," he said, handing him a cup of cocoa. "Drink up, they'll be down any moment." He grinned, stealing a kiss just as his sister walked in. Her eyes were huge at seeing Jeff there, running over to hug him. "Hey there, Jaylynn. Nice to see you too. Jay, this is Somer." The young blonde turned to him and waved. "I didn't think you'd be a redhead but you are cute." She giggled, grabbing a plate and some eggs. "Nice to have you home Jeffy," she called as she went to the dining room to eat.

The redhead barely managed to have a reaction to the blonde girl blasting in, just trying to keep the hot mug from spilling. He blinked at her owlishly, then reached up to feel his hair. "Was I supposed to be someone else?" he asked rhetorically.

"No, baby. I just didn't tell them you were a redhead." Jeff coming over to give him a kiss. "How is your cocoa?"

"Too hot to drink." Somer shook his head a little, trying to get his brain to go online, and chasing another kiss from Jeff. "She's ... like twelve. Your family is weird."

"She's 16, but I get it, she's young." Jeff gave him another kiss as Johnny and Jackson walked in. They both just chuckled, making Jeff flip them off. "Morning boys. Somer, this is Johnny and Jackson. Jackson is Jaylynn's twin." Both boys nodded to him.

The redhead watched the other two boys for a moment, then looked back to Jeff. "Alright, I'll bite. Why do all the names begin with J?"

"My parents named me Jeff after a friend from school, then Johnny for my mom's favorite movie character, so they just kind of kept with it, the youngest is Justin Joseph, or JJ." He explained as the boys grabbed some eggs.

"So like how much do you guys fuck?" Johnny asked flat out, making Jeff smack him in the head.

"Don't be rude."

Somer's mouth fell open, and his face flushed. "Wow," he blurted, then set his mug down and hopped down from the countertop. He got up into Johnny's space, eyes narrow and flat. "You've obviously never had someone you cared about before, or you would know better than to ask that question that way," he growled. "Jeff wants me to like you. Right now I can't /imagine/ why."

Jeff sat back, smirking as Somer seemed to come to life. Johnny raised his brow then walked off with his eggs. Jackson just grinned. "Nice one, Somer. I think I like you even more now." Jeff coming up behind him, he held his boyfriend for a moment. "Sorry about Johnny."

Somer leaned back into Jeff, tucking his head under the blond's chin. He was a bit surprised Jeff wasn't telling him off for telling Johnny off. There was just something about the way the question had been asked that got under his skin. "I never had a bratty younger sibling myself, but I know what they look like." His stomach growled, and he winced. "Did he leave anything for me?"

"Yeah, Johnny is pro at it but in his defense, like Winter, he's just trying to see if you're right for me. Protective a bit, they all are, just in different ways." Jeff pointed out. "I did but I made you something special." Jeff uncovering a plate with a full omelet.

"That's a stupid way to find that out," Somer muttered. He took the plate, then side-eyed his boyfriend. "And ... where is yours? Birthday boy eats. Do you want to split this?"

"Birthday boy gets something special for breakfast," stated Rain as she walked in. Getting into the fridge, she pulled out the bacon and grabbed pancake mix.

"She always makes us foods we love, and I love me some bacon pancakes. Ever had it before, baby?" Jeff sitting at the bar now.

The redhead lifted his brows. "Jeff. Baby. I love you very much, but bacon does not go with everything. You know that, right?"

"Yes, I know, meanie." Kissing his cheek. "But I only get this once a year so I love it and I love you." Rain made a face only a mother would make when her children were acting as cute as these two were.

Somer laughed, shaking his head. "You eat your funny pancakes," he said fondly. "Can I have a couple of strips of bacon?" He settled down next to Jeff and started in on the omelet before it got cold, interspersing bites with cocoa.

Rain gladly gave Somer some bacon as jeff pulled him close and nuzzled him some. By then JJ had come in, but he was quieter then the others. He smiled to Somer and jeff. "You look cute together," he told his oldest brother when he sat on the counter and ate his eggs. "I'm Justin Joseph." He smiled to Somer.

Pushing Jeff off a bit so he could eat, Somer smiled back. "It's JJ, though, right?"

Jeff pouted, though his mom handed him his pancakes so he started to eat. JJ nodded. "Yeah, my name is too much of a mouth full to say so it's JJ, just like Jaylynn is Jay and Jackson is Jack. It makes life easier for everyone."

"Jeffrey, Johnny, Jackson, Jaylynn, Justin Joseph," Somer recited. He shook his head a bit. "And you say my family names their children strangely."

"You're named after seasons, baby," Jeff pointed out, offering a bite to Somer. "Just try it once for me. You haven't even met the dogs yet ..." He smirked. "They all start with the letter V."

Rolling his eyes, Somer accepted the bite, catching a drip of syrup with his tongue. "It's good," he said, noncommittally. "You have to admit, it's a lot harder to confuse our names, though."

"We never get confused for each other, but I get it baby." Jeff finished his breakfast and just like that it was whirlwind as the kids ran around to get dressed for school and were out the door. Marcus wasn't far behind, greeting the boys then off to work. Finally, Rain got herself dressed and told the boys she'd be back later. Leaving them alone, Jeff started to clean up and do the dishes. "You want to meet the dogs first or back to bed?" he smirked.

Somer did his best to help with the dishes, carrying things to Jeff or scraping plates into the trashcan. "I want to go flop," he said, and yawned. "Mornings bleh."

"Hmm I thought I was getting some fun though." Coming up behind his boyfriend. "You even said last night that you agreed to some morning fun times," he whispered into his ear, sucking behind it for a moment.

The redhead managed to mostly muffle his whimper. "True," he panted. "Don't care about ... barky things." He twisted in Jeff's arms to kiss him intensely. "Happy birthday. Jeffrey Anthony. Tell me ... what do you want for your birthday?"

Jeff smiled, kissing him back and pressing Somer against the wall. "Hmm you, just you, all day and all night," he whispered, moving to his neck once more. "I want you ... what do you want to give me?"

This time a moan slipped out. "Jeff ... everything ... " Somer breathed. "Give you ... everything -- god do that again. Please." It was oddly exciting, being in the Sterling house, but all alone. As if they were playing house together. As if it was five years, ten years in the future.

Jeff kissed him again, he reached down to pick Somer up as he carried him back to his room. Locking the door behind them, he laid Somer down. Kissing down the other side of his neck. "Hmm mine. My sexy redhead," he whispered, his hand cupping Somer through his pants, palming him a bit. "I love how you react to me."

Somer shuddered, arching up into Jeff's hand. "'s always you ... " He could lie here forever, letting Jeff do whatever he wanted. The redhead flung his arms wide, his t-shirt riding up and his sleep pants sliding down, giving Jeff all the room he had.

jeff smirked and rolled them over though, taking off Somer's shirt. "Hmm baby ..." His hand running down Somer's chest. He always found it funny that under his shirt, he had this amazing body. "Do you want to get me hard with that pretty mouth of yours?" his thumb rubbing over Somer's bottom lip. "Wanna see that pretty mouth on my cock ..."

"Don't think I'll /need/ to do much," Somer murmured, laughing softly. He slid down Jeff's body, mouthing at him on the way down, then peeled the waistband of his boxers back. "I love how /you/ react to /me/." Light fingertips grazed over the head of Jeff's cock.

Jeff moaned, smirking. "Yeah, well, it's all you baby." His fingers slipping into the red hair that he loved. He couldn't help but tug it some, just letting his eyes close and enjoy the feeling.

With a little huff of laughter, Somer licked slowly along the length of Jeff's dick, root to tip. Then he took the head into his mouth, softly sucking.

Jeff moaned, tugging his hair some. He let his head loll back as he just enjoyed the feeling of Somer's lips and mouth around his member as it was.

Happily, Somer teased his boyfriend, sometimes sucking on him, sometimes licking, sometimes bobbing up and down. He could feel Jeff tremble and squirm under him, and occasionally he would look up, laughter dancing in his green eyes.

Jeff looked down now, moaning and enjoying everything he did. He knew it was getting close to pulling Somer off his member, he kissed him and pushed off the boy's boxers as they rolled back over. He grabbed for the lube, slipping two fingers into Somer as he worked to get him open.

"Ah, god," Somer moaned. He arched, trying to push himself down onto those clever fingers. "Please, baby, please."

"You want me, huh? Want me to fuck you hard and take you?" The words making his own cock twitch a bit. "Hmm, this is just the start," he whispered to him, slipping his fingers out and rolling the condom on. Jeff teased him with the head of his cock, pressing in slowly then fully. "Hmm, fuck, you feel so good." Jeff rolling his hips slowly now.

"Always want you." A long groan pushed its way out of Somer as Jeff slid into him. "Feel so good," he echoed, rocking to match the blond's motions. He reached up, wanting kisses.

Jeff gladly kissed him back, lifting Somer's legs to have them around his hips. He went slow for now on the thrusts, wanting to enjoy them being pressed together like this. He wanted to just enjoy every thrust and moan that mixed into the air.

Somer loved the way it drove him crazy when Jeff made sex slow. He made his kisses equally slow, devouring his boyfriend's mouth and crumpling his hair. "Fuck I love you," he gasped.

"I love you, best birthday ever ... and it's just starting." Jeff whispered, his lips moving to suck his neck softly, knowing he'd leave marks but also knowing this was why his mom had left, to give them time to do as they wanted with no worries. Focusing on Somer now, he shifted so the head of his cock brushed past the boy's prostate with each thrust.

The redhead cried out softly, clinging to Jeff and throwing his head back. It was a good thing the blond's bed was big. "Please please please please please ... " he whimpered, hardly aware of what he was saying.

Jeff didn't know what he wanted, but he did know what he wanted himself. He wanted to make Somer feel it to his toes, so he picked up a bit of speed. Feeling each thrust as it ran past the other's bundle of nerves. Jeff pinning his hands as well, their lips locked in a kiss and mixing moans.

Somer jerked, writhing under his boyfriend, so close. "Please," he gasped into a kiss, "t-touch me, I need it. Need you. Please, baby, please ... "

Jeff shook his head. "Wanna see you come from just me inside you, no touching," he whispered, knowing he could probably do it.

The redhead tossed his head, desperate. "No, please, blondie. Ple~ease." Even with Jeff thrusting harder into him, even with the way he felt the sparks running up his spine every time the blond brushed his prostate ... "Please," Somer begged again.

Jeff wanted to try this, he knew it could work and though he loved the begging, he didn't give in yet. "Just let go and it will happen, baby."

He was sure if Jeff would just touch him, just barely even, he'd explode, he'd come and it would be amazing ... "F-ffuck," he stuttered, fingers curving hard. Briefly he struggled against the blond's hold. He shifted just a little and suddenly he was coming, whether he meant to or not, no warning. Sparks danced in his vision.

Seeing him, seeing how he came like that, it sent him over in a new kind of way. He came as well, feeling the tingle through all of his body in the way he had come to see that only Somer could make him feel. Slowing and pulling out, he cleaned them then held Somer close to him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips here and there.

Somer was totally limp, drained and spent. "Jeff," he murmured drowsily, trying to help with the clean up. "Happy birthday, Jeff."

Jeff kissed him, just holding him close. "Thank you baby, I'm glad I have you here to spend it with." he whispered, kissing him once more. "Nap time, my love?"

A huge yawn cracked Somer's jaw. One hand patted around, trying to find an edge of blanket or sheet. "Cuddles," he demanded.

Jeff cuddled him, the blankets pulled over him as he slipped his leg between Somer's. He knew he was going to tire him out and he was okay with that. It was the best way to start his birthday.

Somer wasn't sure how much later it was when he woke up again, entwined with Jeff and almost too warm. Easing himself out of the bed, he still felt a little sore from earlier, in a pleasant kind of way, and pulled on a tshirt. Then he collected some things and scurried across to the bathroom. One glorious shower later, he padded back into Jeff's room and tickled his boyfriend awake.

Jeff felt Somer leave the bed but for once he stayed asleep. He had rolled over to lay on his stomach. Soon though he started to wiggle as he was tickled. Jeff moaned then tried to push his finger away before smirking as he opened his eyes. "What are you doing, gingerbread?"

"Causing trouble," Somer smirked. "Are you going to sleep the day away? I knew we shouldn't've gotten up at stupid o'clock in the morning."

Jeff smiled, "Good thing I can catch you huh?" Running his fingers through Somer's hair. "No, just was nice and warm, cuddling you. It wasn't stupid o clock." He joked.

Somer laughed, shaking his head. "It so was." He kissed Jeff. "I've already taken a shower. I thought ... maybe we could go for a walk?"

"Hmm, I think I could get behind that but I need a shower too." Jeff slowly sitting up and kissing his nose. "You're going to need to be a bit more dressed, babe."

"I am?" Somer said in confusion. He looked over at the windows, then wandered over and pulled back the curtains. Then he stared. "Jeff! Jeff, there's /snow/! There's /SNOW/!" He started to bounce on his toes, then shot back to the bed and pounced on Jeff. "There's snow!"

Jeff got up, stretching fully and hugging his boyfriend for a moment once he bounced on the bed. "Yes, I know, baby. It does that here a lot so that's why I said you might need more clothes. Like boots and a good coat." Kissing his cheek. "Do you want to go play in it?"

Somer gave Jeff a faintly disgusted look. "Don't ask stupid questions. Of /course/ I want to go play in it. Hurry up! Come on! I'm sure I can go out in my tennis shoes, for a little while." He grinned suddenly. "Don't you want to warm me up after?"

"No, you need boots, it's like 6 inches deep." Jeff pointed out, grabbing his towel. "Yes, of course I do, but you need to be dressed right. Go check in JJ and Jackson's room for something that might fit you while I'm in the shower."

The redhead rolled his eyes at Jeff's back. The snow wouldn't be that bad, he was sure. He started poking into the other bedrooms anyway, because Jeff would be a pest if he didn't. Hurriedly he backed out of the one that was all pink and sparkly -- that had to be Jaylynn's. After another trial, he found the other boys' room, and managed to come out with a pair of boots he thought might be right.

Jeff had showered and now was putting on some longjohns then jeans. He smiled to see Somer there, looking cute as ever. "Well that's better." He kissed his cheek, finishing getting dressed as well. "We need to take the dog with us, so we'll have to get them out." Stepping from his room as he heard them all come running.

Somer trailed after him, a bit wary now. The dogs had to go with them? How were they going to have any fun if they had to keep up with dumb, annoying dogs?

All the dogs came running and were all wagging their tails in enjoyment. Jeff pet them all, then looked up to Somer. "Somer, this is Vader, Vanilla, Velvet, Velour and Valentine." Valentine was a golden retriever, while the rest were french bulldogs. "Mom we're taking the dogs." Rain called back to have fun as Jeff walked with them out the front door. "They're all trained to be off leash, so they'll just follow us."

Somer peered toward the kitchen. He hadn't even realised Rain was home. She must have come back while they were sleeping. Shaking his head at himself, he followed Jeff out into the brilliant snow, smiling, then laughing. The dogs ran out in a tumble around their feet, and the redhead instantly bent to scoop up some snow and fling it out into the world.

Jeff grinned to see Somer so happy. He knew he wasn't much of a dog person but he was glad the dogs would just follow and play. Velvet stopped to jump into the snow and roll, making Jeff chuckle some.

Glancing over at Jeff, Somer threw his arms up to the sky and turned in place a few times, laughing. "I'm just as glad we don't get snow at home," he said, "but it's awfully nice to be able to play in it." He knelt down and assembled a much more packed-down snowball, then hurled it at Jeff.

Jeff grinned, then caught what he was doing. The snow being thrown to him, he laughed and scooped up his own, throwing it back at Somer. He was laughing as well, knowing this was going to happen.

Somer yelped, ducking and dashing away across the snow. Velour chased after him, barking, and he grinned at her. "Help me get him, okay?" he mock-whispered to her, and made another snowball.

Jeff chuckled, tossing some snow balls for the dogs and then going to throw one at somer once more. "I will get you," he called.

"You can have fun trying!" Somer yelled back. He made a pile of snowballs, then had to laugh when Velour leaped onto them and smashed them all. "That's not going to work," he scolded gently, and started making another one. "If we don't have snowballs, Jeff will win!"

Jeff was piling up the snowballs, even if the dogs were just wanting him to throw them. So he suddenly changed his tactic. He grabbed some snow then started to sneak around as Somer was working on his snowballs. Creeping up, he was as quiet as he could be. Jeff ready to put some snow down Somer's back. Not much but enough.

After a minute, Somer realised he couldn't hear Jeff anymore. He looked around, trying to stop the blond hair against the snow, but the space around the house was too unfamiliar -- he didn't know where to look. Instead he picked up two snowballs, one in each hand, and stood up. "Where aaaaare youuuuu Jeffie?"

Jeff held back his giggle as he snuck up and pushed the snow down Somer's back with a chuckle as he watched him react to it.

By the time Jeff actually came up behind him, Somer knew he was there -- the dogs gave him away. But he pretended not to notice, and yelped (he hoped satisfactorily) when the snow went down his jacket and collar. Spinning, he flung the snowballs haphazardly at his boyfriend.

Jeff ducked and ran as Somer seemed to just start throwing snowballs. One hit him but he ignored it and kept running as he called the dogs along with him. He had run to the backyard and now was waiting with the ultimate surprise for Somer.

Laughing, Somer chased after Jeff, heedless of possible further attacks. He blundered through some trees, getting more snow dumped on his head, and emerged in the back yard covered in white powder.

Jeff laughed, standing there with a cup of cocoa for him. "Mom says it's about to get colder so we need to come in." Walking over to him. "Come on, I want to warm you up and drink cocoa with you on my lap."

Somer tipped his head to one side, puzzled. "It's already /freezing/, how can it possibly get any colder?" He covered his nose with one gloved hand, trying to decide if it was still there, then accepted the mug from Jeff. "Where's yours?"

"It's inside, she was still making it. The kids will be home soon too." Jeff stepped in the door but didn't go further as he took his boots off and his coat, it all got set in a place to dry. Rain walked over, handed him his cup and then smiled to Somer. "Did you enjoy the snow?" The dogs following them in.

"Were we really out there that long?" It had seemed like hardly any time at all. But Somer glanced at the clock anyway, and was surprised. "It was wonderful!" he said, then thanked Mrs Rain politely for the chocolate. "So, um. Jeff? Before everyone gets home ... I ... have a thing for you?"

Jeff nodded to him. "Yeah, okay." Thanking his mom, he held Somer's hand and retreated back to his room. With the door shut and locked just in case, Jeff sat on the bed with Velour on his lap. "What's up, gingerbread?" he smiled softly around his cocoa cup.

Somer's heart beat harder, but he took a deep breath and rummaged in his bags. "I ... wanted to give you this present now. So you didn't have to explain anything to your parents, if you didn't want to ... and because I think I might go Austin if your siblings had anything to say about it." He turned back to Jeff with a pair of velvet jewelry boxes in his hands, necklace-sized.

"I ... need you to take my collar off."

Go Austin ... oh right, bust into flames. Jeff raised a brow, though, as he asked him to take the collar off. It wasn't the first time but he had to wonder why he wanted it off when it had a tag now and all. "Okay, turn for me," he replied, then unclasped it and set it down. Jeff looked at it for a moment, his heart racing a bit.

The redhead gently coaxed Velour off Jeff's lap, then set the cocoa mug aside too. He sat down where Velour had been, wrapping his arms around Jeff's neck, and kissed the end of his nose. "Open the blue one first," he whispered.

Jeff held him and nodded. He grabbed the bag and slowly opened it. Inside he wasn't sure what he was looking at. It looked like jewelry but he wasn't sure how it had to do with taking the collar off.

Somer pointed at the clasp. "This one locks. It's a special clasp, with a hex key. Only one key. And, um ... " He ducked his head a bit. "You looked really carefully for the other one, and I love it, I do. But ... it's leather? And it can't get wet or that will ruin the leather. So that means I can't wear it in the shower, or in the pool." He swallowed hard, and looked into Jeff's eyes, pleading. "This one ... it's silver. I can wear it all the time."

Jeff understood now. "I like it and I get it, but does that mean you don't want to wear the other one anymore?" His brow furrowing as that had been a gift for Somer and though he did love this one, he did wish he'd wear the other as well. "If not, will you still wear the dogtag?" Jeff looking to his own that he wore.

"Except for swimming and bathing, I want you to decide what one I wear," Somer said softly.

Jeff smiled to him, kissing his nose. "Okay." With that, he place the new one on Somer and used the small key to lock it in place. "I think I'm going to get a chain for your tag so you can always wear it." Kissing him softly then. "Should I open the other now?"

Nodding, Somer lifted his fingers to brush against the infinity symbol in the hollow of his throat.

Jeff grabbed the second box and opened it. He grinned to see a matching bracelet in the box. He handed the key to Somer. "Want to help me put it on?"

Carefully, tongue sticking out between his teeth, Somer fastened the tiny lock around Jeff's wrist. "I love you," he whispered. "I know sometimes ... the way I can be ... it's hard. It makes you doubt. But no matter what I see in other people, you come first, most important, you are the person I'm choosing to be committed to wholly."

Jeff cupped his cheek. "I love you, too. Yeah, it can be, but it's not like it used to be. I don't feel like you hide us anymore and knowing you wear that, it helps some but what helps the most is this." His hand sliding into Somer's. "And this." Kissing him softly and slowly. "Doing that when others can see, it means everything to me. Your love means everything to me."

Somer kissed Jeff back, wanting to never leave that kiss. "I'm trying to be better," he murmured. "Anyway I want to be touching you all the time." He kissed the blond again. "And kissing you. And I don't, because I don't want to get you into trouble."

"How would I get in trouble for you kissing me, baby?" Jeff lacing their hands as he heard the footsteps of his siblings, but he ignored it just so he could focus on him and his love only. Well, Velour was there too but mostly, he was looking to the redhead that held so much of him.

"Some people don't like to see PDA, remember?" Somer's eyes crinkled with his smile. "And this is me, you know I think I'm going to get in trouble for all kinds of innocuous things. Stupid brain chemicals."

"Well, I don't care, I love PDA with my boyfriend and they can shove it." Jeff wiggled his nose at Somer then. "I know I know, but I'm telling you, no one can get mad if they do then I'll fight them." Making a face as he pretended to put his hands up to fight.

Somer laughed so hard at that he fell over on the bed, then slid off, still laughing. "Jeff," he managed finally, with a sobbing breath, "please don't fight. You will be terrible at it. If they get mad, I will fight them."

"Actually, I would be good, but I think I'll leave all the fighting for you and those awesome abs of yours." He winked to his boyfriend, kissing him once more. "We should go join my family now, unless there is more for me?"

"Oh, there is, but I wanted to give you these things in private. The rest are for later, with everyone else." Somer grabbed Jeff's hand and pulled himself off the floor.

Jeff helped him up, pulling his close and kissing his neck along the necklace softly. "Hmm later we'll have to see what it looks like when that's all you have on," he whispered to him, kissing his neck once more.

Somer hung onto the doorknob and shivered. "'s gonna make you /crazy/," he whispered back, feeling bold. "I might just make you watch."

"Make me watch? Watch what?" Jeff purred, kissing behind his ear now. He couldn't keep his hands off his boyfriend. Who could blame him though?

"Me." The redhead moaned, biting his lip. "Watch me, no touching. Watching me touch myself." He could hear the others downstairs, but somehow knowing they were that close just made this moment more exciting.

"Hmm, nope, another time. It is my birthday and I get whatever I want." Jeff smirked, sucking his neck now. He didn't care if Somer went down there with a hickie on his neck, just would show that Jeff was damn happy. Pulling away, he whispered, "We're going to behave then we'll come back up here and I'm going to ravish you with only that collar on."

Another moan, Somer's teeth sinking even harder into his lip. If Jeff wasn't holding him up, his knees would have given out. "Jeff." The redhead's voice was ragged. "Babe, please."

"Later, my love." Jeff laced their fingers then kissing his hand. Leaving his room, Jeff and Somer joined everyone. The small party of family went well, he got some good gifts and thanked them all. But really, Jeff was more into watching Somer and seeing how he was doing as he couldn't get the picture out of his head.

With the worry of how Jeff was going to receive his big gift off Somer's shoulders, he was so much more relaxed. Nothing the Sterlings had to say phased him, and he easily gave as good as he got. As he promised, he had a few more gifts for Jeff to add to the family pile; a shirt reading 'eat sleep dance repeat', another keychain that said 'dance isn't just my sport. it defines me', a notebook that matched one of Somer's only in blue.

Jeff couldn't help but to kiss Somer in a way to thank him for the rest of his gifts. Now with everything opened, Rain asked if Jeff wanted to watch his favorite movie but he shook his head. "Not tonight but maybe tomorrow? Just kind of want some more time with my boyfriend." He smirked making Rain nod, she understood. The rest of the kids had all gone off to bedrooms anyhow.

Somer looked at Rain, then at Jeff. "Don't you guys do birthday cake?" he asked, confused. "Ice cream? I feel like you're being deprived here."

Jeff smiled a bit, kissing Somer's cheek. "Yeah we do, just give it a moment." Then suddenly out came Marcus with a cake and the kids with some small instruments. "They try to act like the night is over, then come back to sing," he explained as they all started to sing 'Happy Birthday' to him. Jeff blowing out the candles with a smile to them all. "I hope you like strawberries," Marcus asked Somer.

"I love strawberries." Somer clapped gleefully as Jeff blew out the candles. He got up and tried to help Rain with the plates, and ended up dodging JJ and Jaylynn so much he just sat back down.

Jeff just pulled Somer into his lap as the family moved around. Rain telling Somer it was better to just sit and enjoy with Jeff. He kissed his boyfriend's cheek as they were handed cake and ice cream. "You want to feed it to me?"

"Do you trust me not to get it on your face?" Somer grinned, then accepted two plates. He wasn't sure how he was going to juggle both of them, and feed Jeff, and stay balanced on his lap, but he was game.

"I do not, but it will be all the more fun," he chuckled to him. "I'll hold my plate." Taking one from Somer to hold but before Somer could feed him, Jeff set the plate on his knee and picked up the cake, smashing it in his boyfriend's face with a laugh.

Frosting dripped from his face as Somer blinked at Jeff. "You -- what -- Jeff -- " he spluttered, torn between hilarity and outrage. He was trying so hard to make a good impression on the Sterlings, and there was this ... he stared at his boyfriend, mouth twitching, then solemnly held out a hand to the side. Someone put a plate in it, never mind that he already had a full plate in his lap.

Somer picked up the cake from the new plate. He held it up, crumbs falling, then deliberately pressed it into Jeff's nose.

Jeff laughed the moment his face was covered in cake. He shook some off then leaned in to lick Somer's cheek with a 'mmm' falling from his lips. "Hmm, now you taste like strawberries." His family, having backed away, were starting to laugh to see the boys covered in cake as Jeff licked Somer again. "You want a lick?" Sticking his cheek out for Somer.

Somer eyed Jeff dubiously, then licked the crumbs and frosting from around his own lips. "I don't know. I'm not sure I like Jeff-flavoured cake. How well does that go with strawberry?"

Jeff pouted some. "You didn't say that this morning." Smirking as he leaned over to rub his cake on Somer's face a bit with a knowing smile.

"You --!" Somer cut off as his voice rose, then lunged up and pinned Jeff flat and licked him all over his face. "You are absurd," he told his boyfriend then. "And I don't know why I keep you."

Jeff yelped as he was pushed back and laughed. He let Somer pin him, why not? After all it was all in good fun. "You keep me because I'm sexy, cool and great in bed." Pushing him back so he could sit up, with a kiss to his lips.

Rain had to jump in now. "Okay you two, shower now. I need to clean up the mess you've made."

"He started it!" Somer said promptly, but scrambled off the couch anyway. He found a paper towel and began to wipe most of the mess off his face. "Sorry," he said somewhat sheepishly.

Rain shook her head to him. "You're fine, Somer. I just don't want cake all over the house." She had a loving smile on her face as she handed Jeff a paper towel as well. "Now upstairs both of you, I will leave some cake and ice cream in Jeff's room, actually eat it this time." She teased.

Somer started to shake his head, then stopped so he didn't fling crumbs everywhere. Instead he smiled. "Thank you, Mrs ... Rain." He headed off upstairs, swiping at sticky bits on his face with his fingers.

Jeff followed Somer and quickly pushed him into the bathroom, locking it behind them as he pinned his boyfriend to the door. Fingers laced and over his head. "You look good wearing my cake," he whispered, sucking and licking up Somer's neck.

"I kinda ... mmm, Jeff," Somer squirmed in the hold, not really trying to break out of it. "I wanted to taste the cake ... Jeff, blondie ... "

"We can after we shower. Mom is putting some in the room for us, I told her we'd come get ice cream when we're ready." Jeff humming as he pressed his hips to Somer's. "Right now we need to get clean and I think I should go use the other shower ... "

The redhead's fingers tightened on Jeff's. "Why?" It came out a bit petulant. Hurriedly he tried again, rocking against his boyfriend. "You can't be that much of a distraction ... "

"Baby, if I shower with you, you know it won't be a shower." Jeff smiled. "And yes, I can't handle seeing you naked until I have you locked in my room to enjoy fully ... but do you really want me to share with you?"

"It's your birthday," Somer breathed, leaning in close to try to kiss Jeff. "Shouldn't you have anything you want?"

"Hmm, yeah, but I will when we're clean." Jeff kissing him as he saw Somer was trying for. "Now I'll see you in my room in 20, the towels are right there." Pointing to the cupboard. Jeff gave him another quick kiss then slipped out of the bathroom.

The redhead tried to hang on to his boyfriend, but Jeff was too agile, and slipped away. Somer laughed, picking a bit of frosting out of his hair, and turned on the water. He cleaned up quickly but thoroughly, then went back into Jeff's room. Poring over his clothes, he deliberately picked out a buttoned shirt he knew Jeff liked, and comfy jeans, and left off the underwear. Then he sprawled on the bed.

Jeff didn't want to leave but he knew them better then that. So showering and making sure he was good and clean, he came back to his room in just his towel. Walking in to see Somer, he locked the door and smirked. "Now who told you to get dressed?" he teased and dropped his towel.

"Mmm, I thought you'd like to unwrap your present," Somer purred. He looked up and down Jeff's bare body, then licked his lips slowly. "Of course, there's also cake and ice cream ... "

"The sweets can wait, I want my gingerbread." Jeff climbing onto the bed, he straddled Somer as he undid the shirt and removed it. Smirking, he started to kiss down his chest, licking the lines of his abs.

Somer moaned, arching under Jeff. "The -- the ice cream will melt," he stumbled, half-heartedly. "Jeff ... "

"It's in the freezer, mom only dropped off the cake." Sucking now over the waistband of his jeans. "You are a much better snack."

The redhead shuddered, with another encouraging moan. "Eat me all up," he whispered. His breathing sped up, waiting for Jeff to undo his jeans.

Jeff grinned. "I will. I'm going to eat you up and out, then I'm going to watch you ride me with that new collar of yours." Slipping Somer's pants off then, he stood and just took the whole sight in. He drank in how much his heart seemed to beat only for the redhead on his bed.

Somer thought his heart might pound right out of his chest as Jeff surveyed his naked self. He could feel the slight weight of the collar around his throat, but it was nothing to the weight of his boyfriend's gaze. He was starting to get hard, and reached down to stroke himself, hoping to stir Jeff to action.

Jeff shook his head some. "Now if you touch then why should I?" Smirking to him. He knew Somer's tricks a bit and though he was itching to touch him, he didn't make a move for it. He just still drank him in fully. "God, I love you," he whispered, finally moving back to the bed, pressing a kiss to his lips.

The redhead drew Jeff down, leaving off touching himself to wrap both arms around his boyfriend. Returning the kiss with interest, he murmured, "I love you too. Happy birthday, best beloved."

"You are the best gift." Jeff smiled against his lips, pressing his hips down to Somer's. With a loud moan, he moved his hips still to feel their cocks pressed together. "So beautiful," he whispered, then flipped them over. "Wanna see you ride me, baby."

Somer rolled them back over, grinning up at Jeff. "I was promised being eaten all up," he said, eyes sparkling.

Jeff shook his head a bit. "I will, but only once you're good and used." Flipping back over. "Wanna see you bounce and moan."

The redhead gave up, sitting up on Jeff with a laugh. He wriggled himself against his boyfriend's hard cock, then leaned down to kiss his nose. "So you aren't going to open me up?"

Jeff wiggled his nose then shook his head. "Nope, I wanna see you finger yourself. Wanna see what you do when you're all alone and dying for relief. Then once you're all spent, I'll eat you up ... sweet ginger." Caressing his cheek and handing him the lube.

Somer smiled. "I wait for you," he whispered, taking the lube. "When I'm all alone, I wait for you." He rolled off Jeff, sprawling on his back and propping his knees up.

Jeff rolled over to watch as he kissed Somer's neck, sucking some spots. "Hmm, what if I don't want you to wait?"

With his finger already poised, Somer accidently pushed into himself when Jeff kissed him. He moaned sharply, arching just as hard. "Wh-- I-- Jeff, oh~!"

Jeff grinned, stroking Somer's cock a bit then licking up to behind his ear and sucking on the lobe there. "Doing so well ... opening yourself up like that."

"Fuck," Somer swore breathlessly. "J-jeff ..." It felt like his attention was being pulled all over the place; he couldn't concentrate. His fingers faltered, slowed down ... stopped as he was distracted by Jeff's actions.

Jeff smiled, moving Somer's hand for him. He moved them out, warming his own fingers to open him up. "You ready baby?"

The redhead moaned. "Blondie ... " He shuddered, pressing himself against Jeff. "Please. Please?"

Jeff smiled, rolling with Somer over him. He stroked himself a bit. "Come on, baby, slip on for me and show me how good you look on my cock."

Somer shuddered again, sliding down and feeling Jeff fill him up. "Blondie," he breathed, stretching upward, and then arching. "You f-feel so good." Bracing his hands on Jeff's chest, he worked himself up and down, breath hissing out from between his teeth with each movement.

Jeff moaned, loving the feeling of Somer around his cock. He watched him, bring his knees up so his feet were flat on the bed. "So do you, look so pretty in your new collar riding my cock." Jeff stroked his sides softly while he moved.

It didn't take long before Somer was whimpering, eager to be touched. "Please?" he begged. "Please, blondie."

Jeff shook his head some. "No, you know you can do it baby ... come just from me," he whispered, pulling him into a kiss.

It was always like that, these days. Sometimes Somer missed the days when Jeff would stroke him to completion -- but it was the blond's birthday. He kissed Jeff, gasping against his hot skin, seeking that edge. "Come on," he panted, "please ... "

Jeff liked to push him and did enjoy seeing Somer get himself off but at the same time, he liked to please him too. So wrapping his fingers around the boy's cock, he stroked him with the rhythm he was bouncing to.

"Yes." Somer squirmed, feeling the tension spiral up inside. "Oh yes Jeff yes ... need. Need you to come. You come first." The words were staccato with his breathing, quick and sharp.

Jeff pushed up into him, hard and fast. His back arching as he came inside of his boyfriend, his hand not stopping moving to bring Somer along.

The breath burst out of Somer in a gasp, and he bent over with a low groan. "Blondie fuck yes /yessss/ ... " He loved when they were tangled together, coming at almost the same time, loved how closely they were intertwined in spirit like that. "Love you, oh love you so much."

Jeff held him close, kissing his cheek then over to his lips. "I love you too, so much. You've made this the best birthday I've ever had."

Somer collapsed in blissful haziness, lying on top of Jeff and snuggling in. "Mine," he murmured. "Keep you forever." Then he yawned and giggled sleepily. "Cake?"

#c:jeff #para: jeff.#;para #para: 10.8 meet the kids

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perfectionistincrisis · 6 years

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bleh - 1

been a while since i blogged. um, ok. just a week or two i guess. but. i am really trying hard not to blog much, i am. idk. it just makes me feel really weak and i dont really want to feel so. i mean ik i am so, but, i dont really need to keep declaring it over and over again. im really trying here! Ok. im done whining. this week was very tiny. but last week was really really interesting and new (in a very disturbing way!). and all credit goes to the week before that. the worst one. the one i will remember for a really really long time. i was hurt. i felt guilty. i felt pathetic and weak. i was helpless. i felt like a nobody; totally useless. i stopped praying for stuff because, hey, who the hell cares what i want! That was like the 3rd week of january - which i actually planned on taking as my week -1 cause um, the first 2 weeks of jan was a ‘wth’ period when i just finished my exams and started my break and i needed time to actually breathe. Then there was last week - 4th week of jan and i decided i should change this to my personal week 1, lol. So yeah. I decided to do something about the fear and the pain. Because there was nothing much i could actually do for it all to go away. i just decided to face it. all in my head. I started to create scenarios in my head; of things i’m scared of; things that would rip me apart.. And while i was doing so - i decided to put up a straight face. stopping my eyes from watering, my heart from getting heavy and suppressing a loud cry. if you’d look at me, you’d hardly know what was going on in my head. i think i did so well suppressing all that feelings away. but the main reason why i was able to do so is because i spent really less time on my own. tried to stay around people at the hospital and around my family at home so that i dont break down - but in my head, i was thinking all sorts of things. So i entered this phase of numbness you could say. like if i could number my feelings then you could say they dropped from a million to aound zero point five or something. its like you’re so clueless about life- like there is nothing you can do. like, hey man, surprise me, or bury me alive - either ways, i cant be hurt cause in my head ive lived all the bad. Lol ok - easier said than done!! it is peaceful - when you dont feel pain; when you dont feel anything; when you dont expect anything. hope/ wish vs expectations. i think these are different times; for me, they are. i always taught myself to keep my expectations really really low; like close to zero all the time. that way, you escape from thousands of shitty feelings. but i dont think that should stop you from hoping or wishing for things in life. so like, you could be wishing for something but at the same time you are also accepting that there is possibility of not getting it, and you are okay with that possibility. why? because your expectations are low. so this is something i have done for most of my life but i had a few exceptions - and let my expectations to reach the sky and i guess go even far beyond. as of right now - i think i fixed those in me. but the reason i posted today, is because something triggered my feelings.. i felt pain. and i felt worthless.

it is very peaceful when you dont feel a thing; when you dont expect anything. but i guess, it is not permanent. nothing is. the numbness goes away. the pain comes back to sting you. all that fear, all that would tear you apart - they still have the rope tied around your neck. you can only pretend for so long.

its like im trying to run away all the time

and right now i really need some sleep so im out ^^

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thecatladyknits · 7 years

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i should have known today was going to be shitty. i woke up a bunch of times last night, and i know i had bad dreams, but i can’t remember what. just really bad and stressful. then it was almost 6:30 and my cat hadn’t come to bother me for food. i usually feed her a little after 6 and most of the time she bugs me for a bit before that. so, of course, i started to panic a little that something was wrong, like what if she died overnight (thanks anxiety). but she’s 100% fine. oh, and i weighed myself and was disappointed (per usual) AND i’m on my period so yay hormones and shit.

feeling crummy, went to work. around 10 am, i started feeling really strange. felt kind of woozy and suddenly the music i was listening to felt loud and the headphones felt constricting. all the lights seemed too bright and i suddenly felt like i had SO MUCH nervous energy in my stomach and chest, like i was going to burst. (my heart rate was normal, if my FitBit is to be trusted) i was having a panic attack. even though there wasn’t anything i was actively worrying about. panic attacks are so so awful, but it’s even worse when you get the physical shit before the mental shit. usually, something will trigger me to start worrying about something and then the physical stuff happens. which is obviously awful, but i know why it’s happening. when the physical stuff starts first, i think i’m like having a stroke or brain tumor or something crazy. which then makes me panic about that. nice reinforcing cycle of terror. it’s fucking terrible.

so i sat at my desk for a half hour trying to calm down while it keeps cycling and trying not to cry. when i have panic attacks i usually handle it pretty quietly bc i HATE drawing attention to myself and i don’t want anyone to know i’m mentally ill. there’s only 1 person at work that knows, bc she has anxiety too. it was gradually subsiding but i was just so exhausted and overwhelmed and there were too many people around me and the lights were still too bright. THANKFULLY i can work from home and they basically expect us to do that when we’re sick (to avoid germ spread, etc.) as long as we feel well enough otherwise. SO i emailed my boss and said “i’m not feeling well; i’m going to work from home for the rest of the day” and THANKFULLY she’s like no prob, hope you feel better! and told me if i need to cut out early or anything like that, it’s okay.

i cried in the car on the way home and immediately put on comfy pants and lit a candle. i do feel a lot better. with D out of town, it’s me and the cats and the lake out the window. it’s quiet and not too bright and i don’t feel the pressure like i did at the office. i have legit been doing work too, so that’s good. sometimes when i WFH, i get distracted way too easily and slack.

i’m going to take 2 classes at the gym tonight and hope they exhaust me so i can sleep well. plus i don’t panic during classes, which is always good. sometimes i feel like exercise is legit medication for my brain, and i wish i could go more often to work it out when i feel shitty and panicky. but obviously, i can’t when it happens in the middle of the day at work. i also don’t actually want to spend my entire life at the gym. not that i do now, but i have to find other solutions too. i have been managing without medication for a few years, and if i’m honest, i probably need it. i want the relief from this exhausting cycle. like i probably shouldn’t have gone off it (which i did of my own volition, i know, i know). but i’m concerned about go back on meds bc if Trump fucks up our healthcare system as he’s on track to do, i don’t want to get fucked out coverage bc i have a history of mental illness/medication (i may already be on that) and/or the meds may be expensive. while it would help, i’m really trying to save money so i can pay off my student loans. and i have been managing okay for a few years, so i can probably continue to manage? i hope. i don’t know. i feel like i’m on track to where my job performance may start to suffer. i am TERRIFIED of getting reprimanded or fired or having to job search but i also can’t seem to be very productive lately. since the beginning of the year, i’ve done barely anything (though i’ve also not had a lot to do, to be fair) and now things are ramping up and i’m still like “bleh i’ll get to that tomorrow; i need a break today” like... every day. surprisingly, i haven’t missed any actual deadlines, but i’m not being proactive on anything and everything is done last minute. minor things get forgotten and people have reminded me of them. and yet... i can’t seem to pull myself up. i don’t know what to do.

#mental health #mental illness #anxiety #depression #seasonal depression #panic attacks

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bearhyog-blog · 7 years

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{ OOC }

So... I’ve been missing. I needed some time for myself, I was really down and I just wanted to take a break from existing basically. I haven’t kept in touch with anyone, not even picking up the phone from grandma. I don’t know why specifically but I can tell you what has been happening in my life lately.

But before all that, I just want to take the time to thank you for keeping me up to date with your life and for always remembering me. I received your present last Friday and that made me sooooooooooooooooooooo happy. You have no idea, my favourite thing to colour is animals ^^ also, mom LOVED her calender, she hung it up on our living room and told me to thank you while complimenting your kindness and “foolishness” from wasting money on her. So thank you, thank you very much for your words, your actions and the postcards! They’re really well thought out and it makes my heart warm to know that I have someone who loves me, even if we’re far apart.

Where do I begin though.

As you know, I’ve been promised a job. I’m still waiting for it because the guy is so utterly busy he just can’t find the time to make videos with me. I don’t know, I’m disappointed I guess. Again. Mom also talked to the lady who was going to give me a ton of work and she also said she’s too busy. I might have a shot at teaching english 101 but the burocracy is crazy and idek how to handle situations like that, its all so complicated, my god. So I’ve been a little sad regarding that. But hey! I finished my portfolio if you wanna check it out. I’ll be adding stuff to it as I make more stuff. Here’s the link: https://marquesara.wixsite.com/portfolio

What else is new? Ah! Since I’ve been feeling so lost and just down, I took on a little project. At first, it was going to be a turtle but the money to keep one is sooooooo much that I decided on dwarf hamsters. They’re very cute. They’re also kinda boring because they don’t interact with us but eh they’re nice to look at and feed and stuff. At first I got two: Francis and Sebastian. I read online that males are usually more calm than females so I decided on two males. AND I build their cage out of a plastic storage box, that wood flooring they have, cardbox as bed and stairs a wheel, a bird nest and feeding / drinking objects. It gave me a purpose, you know? And I was a little happier for a little while. They now live in my closet because my cats are crazy killers and they don’t leave the poor things alone. So during the day I leave the door open from the closet so they can see sunlight while I keep the door to my room closed so they can’t get in. At night I close the closet and leave the door open for the cats if they want to sleep on my bed. Oh! But that’s not all. I went back for a third mouse because the box was just so big for 2 little creatures. When I got to the store I said I wanted to take one more and the lady went. “We have two here but one is not for sale because he doesn’t have a leg so we can’t sell that one.” but I had noticed that one of the hamsters I had home had a limp so I told her that and she apologized and said I could take it back and they’d give me the money back for it. I said no way! The creature is no less of a creature because it has a limp! So the lady said she would offer me one hamster instead. I agreed to that (duh) but I saw that there was only one left in the cage so I told her I’d take that one too so he wouldn’t be alone. So now I have four hamsters living in my room. Oh! The others’ names are Aiden and Josh. They’re all named after characters from shows I love hahaha

Still on the animal train, we have Lolita! Lolita is a very pretty, young cat who gave birth to three kittens last month. She belongs to a friend of grandma’s and the poor cat got pregnant basically because the woman won’t sterilize her and she didn’t want to hear the cat whine so she let her free. Someone found her on the street, shaking, quivering in fear under a car and with major weight loss. Instantly, I wanted to take Lolita from that woman. And I might. I’m going to propose to her that I take her to the vet and do an aids test on her. I can’t add an aids cat in my family but I can help with the kittens. Mom wants to adopt one so we might just do that. Or take them all to the vet for responsible adoptions, because wtf... People are so selfish. I spent a whole hour in her house with Lolita and her kittens. Lolita is so gentle and thin and her cubs are still so small they can’t even meow sometimes. One is black and white, the other is white with brown spots and the other one is white and bege. They’re ALL adorable. But this kind of thing triggers me. I know I can’t be the super hero, saving all the animals but that makes me sad and just bleh.

Moving onward, in a talk with mom she said I had my savings from my childhood in the house and not in the bank anymore and it was a decent amount so instead of just worrying about the future all the time and seeing mom getting so stressed about money, I took her with me to the mall nearest, to Primark so we could both get some new clothes. She was really happy so we went once again days later. I paid for all of it. It wasn’t much but it was something we could never afford if it wasn’t for the savings since mom isn’t doing so well in her job. Anyway, I got sunglasses from dad that cost 25 CENTS!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, that’s how cheap that store is. You can get amazing deals. He was so happy for the random present hahahaha. I also then took a little more cash out of the envelope and told mom to come with me to a store nearby where the supermarket is, she was confused and asked why so I asked her “black, white or gold”? She was even more confused but on our way there she yells “YOU’RE NOT BUYING ME A PHONE ARE YOU?”. Let’s just say mom’s phone belongs in the 1700s and it has a lot of issues. So I searched online and I got a great deal from that store. Mom was FLOORED. It was nice to see. She’s been so down too so I wanted to cheer her up a bit! And it worked, she loved the phone. It’s no Terminator but it works fine, so ^^

I also got you a couple cute things but idk when I’ll be sending them because our post office is working like SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! I’m super mad at them. Remember when I told you I had some stuff from ebay coming? ONE IS STILL NOT HERE DUE TO A TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY. I was so pissed at them I emailed them to insult the crap out of them. Sigh. I hope it comes back soon or I’ll destroy the company with my screams.

Mom bought me an aloe vera plant.

I started washing my hair with shampoo after 1 year of flour. It’s organic, biologic and plant-based blah blah so that I can finally not have flour in my hair all the time but still don’t damage it with chemicals. I didn’t even know such things existed LOL but at the mall I saw this store glowing green and checked it out and NOW I AM FREE OF FLOUR HAHAHAHAHAH

In the meantime, I went to two funerals. No one I knew personally but they were family of family, you know? It made me remember to pray, I had forgotten the words hahahaha. And I like churches, they look old and historical and smell wooden-y hahahaahah I’m an idiot.

Anyway, basically I just dug myself a hole and covered it. I’m ready to resurface now, bit by bit. Thank the lord for TV series. Spoiler alert, Jon Snow sleeps with a very hot woman. LOL But what’s really got me going is this series called Being Human and it’s SOOOOOOOOOOO good. It’s about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost who live together. They’re all friends against their species “rules”. It’s so dramatic and violent and romantic and emotional and omg I just want to marry Josh, he’s my little Teddy Bear. You should check it out! I think you’d like it. Don’t watch the UK version, that SUCKS. Watch the US remake. Ughhhhhhhh. I even wrote fanfiction about me and Josh HAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA It’s silly but when you’re by yourself that’s what you do.

I just... I really can’t explain it. I fell like Alice in Wonderland (idk if you’ll get the reference or if you saw the movie) but she falls down this hole in the ground and there’s all sorts of things she sees around her like tea pots and chess tables and singing butterflies AS SHE FALLS (more like floats down). And then I felt trapped, I didn’t know which way to go. Should I wait for work here, should I just pack my things and go to Ireland? It’s all so blurry and I think the anxiety of it all caught up to me.

Which reminds me! I upped my meds and they’re working well :)

What else...

Hmmm, oh I have the flu -_- I think I caught it from a kid at dad’s house the other day I went there to have dinner with them. I feel like I weigh 1000000000000kg but it’s all physical, you know? Clogged nose, horrible dry cough, bit of a fever. Nothing that won’t cure itself.

I think that’s all there is to tell, actually. The rest of my days I just spend watching shows with mom, sleeping the day away because the meds make me sleepy, walking Mel, taking naps, and more naps. Oh right! And I’m doing therapy too. They stopped the OCD therapy for now because I believe I’m in a good place right now, controllable state that I don’t need a doctor to continue with my treatment for that. But now we’re going all the way back to my childhood and why I only have nightmares and why do I dream of the same guy over and over who I didn’t even date but like... it was a crush in MIDDLE SCHOOL. She basically said I’m emotionally damaged (what a surprise) and that led to consequences such as not liking men unless they’re fictional. But we just started on that so we’ll see where this goes. I think that put me down too, I had to write about every guy I had been involved even at 12 years old and I hated remembering all those times and people and that ALSO contributed to me not being in the brightest of mood.

Then I tried joining a RP as JB from GOT7 because he’s a hot piece of ass. I was on like 7 different dates, not even kidding but I lost interest because they were too easy. I left and joined as Yeeun. No one talked to me so I left again and came back as Ken and his ex from a rp like... two years ago is there and it’s so awkward I just stopped showing.

And that has been my life!

You have no idea how much I’ve missed you and I wanted to talk to you but I just didn’t have the strength... I’m sorry about that and for not being there when you needed me, I truly feel so bad. But I’m here now okay? And I’ll even rewind here so that we don’t clog the messenger feed (which we tend to do a lot)

#ooc

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