#but i'm stuck bc i struggle living alone and i struggle making connections so ofc i'm sad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

potatopossums · 2 years

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Do u ever feel so lonely that u can't even breathe?

I sit here and question my whole identity when it happens bc I've seen aromantic ppl talk about things that feel like the exact opposite of me, and i just wonder, you know? I wonder if I'm lying to myself but i also don't feel like i am. I know that talking to aromantic people and reading others' experiences has felt genuinely connecting, I've felt like someone put to words what i was feeling. It may not always align, but i do feel seen and heard and represented. I feel like talking to aro people about my feelings is so much easier than talking to allo people because aro people get what I'm saying, they don't sit there and tell me I'm simping for someone or that i just need to find a partner. They hear me and don't think there's anything wrong with me. And that's why I see myself as aro, even though sometimes my actions and feelings can seem really romantic. My identity means a lot to me, it keeps me afloat, it keeps me recognizing what it is I'm truly after, and that's affection, touch, safety, connection, trust. None of those things are inherently romantic and i don't want them to ever be for me. And that's all that matters.

I get so upset about it bc i have like 3 super close friends. 2 are alloromantic, and 1 is aromantic. All 3 of them have been there for me thru a lot in my life, and i really want to share my life with them somehow. But i feel at such a loss to do that. I feel like my allo friends have different (romantic) plans, and i feel like my aro friend doesn't see me ever actually being in their life (for distance reasons). I feel so stretched thin between all these things, trying to be reasonable about my friends and their needs and their situations. But I'm also feeling so empty and devoid of energy. I don't feel connected. I feel like my problems are impossible to them. I feel like they don't have the energy to spare for me. I feel really scared and alone so much of the time. I don't feel connected to my friends a lot of the time, and i don't think bringing this up will help. They're already doing the best they can under the circumstances of the pandemic and their own rough lives. And yet, i still feel drained and unsupported. And it hurts me so much. Bc when they do reach out to me, ofc I'm happy to hear from them — ofc I'm wanting to reconnect and start things back up right where they left off. But that never happens. Ever. The closeness never continues. It always seems to fade away yet again. And I'm so confused. I feel like it will always happen this way. I try so hard to feel important to them, to feel wanted and cared about and seen, even worried about. And nothing i do seems to make a difference, not because they don't care, but more likely because they just can't do anything else either.

I really am hating this whole situation so much.

I woke up sobbing today. First thing in the morning. I haven't really been able to stop crying since. I don't feel ready to tackle the world.

I don't have anyone to come check in on me. I don't have anyone i can call to come hug me, nobody i feel comfortable asking. I feel really alone and stuck. And i know when any of them text I'll just jump right back into another cycle of this. And i just want to turn off my phone so i can't even see their messages. So i can get used to not hearing from them. So it doesn't hurt as badly. Because something has to change. I feel like I'm suffocating because I'm crying so hard for someone to fucking see me, hold me. And nobody will. I just want to share things with them, and i can't even do that without feeling unseen. I can't connect anymore. It hurts. So much. And i need the connection. But i can't get it.

I genuinely feel like a rotting tree, already fallen down in the forest. Frozen, unmoving, decaying slowly, feeling every little cell death. And nobody cares to stop it. Nobody cares to help me. Because everyone else is already struggling.

I seriously hate this.

#depression #severe depression #sadness #loneliness #hopelessness #friendship #abandonment #pandemic depression #aromantic #queer #agender #alterous #affection #social needs #unmet needs

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