#pandemic depression

[vannajamma]

#i was diagnosed with agoraphobia lol #animal crossing #pandemic depression

[roommateswar]

Dear ------,

What would I say to you if I saw you again? I’d like to write you a letter, but that time in our lives is over and it wouldn’t be appropriate anymore. You have your family, I have my partner. I interpreted your last handwritten letter to me as your way of saying goodbye. Goodbye to me, goodbye to any lingering feelings for me, goodbye to any vague hope to continue our relationship in the future. I didn’t respond to you, I didn’t know what to say and I found acceptance to be a peaceful enough answer.

But now I find myself wishing I could cry in your arms and process how I feel about ----- with you instead. Why? Why now? Why you? I find myself revisiting old fantasies about running into you again when we are both old and widowed and getting back together. I imagine some sort of overwhelming catharsis to whatever pain we had both suffered in our time apart. I know we’ll both be different people when we’re old, hell we’re already different people than we were back then. I saw that even when we met up in San Francisco all those years ago. I just. I don’t know. That feels like the most accessible way for me to heal right now, and that’s pretty fucked up. I can’t picture a way to heal and be happy with my current life so I latch onto this fantasy that is at once both incredibly distant but somehow plausible. When I imagine rebuilding my current life it always starts with leaving him. It’s almost easier to imagine going back to square one, both romantically and financially, than it is to keep trying to make this work. Like I told him earlier today, I think we’re both depressed and that we bring each other down. I have a hard enough time managing my own depression, and it feels as if whenever I’m able to make some incremental progress with myself that being around him just brings me back down to where I was before. So I try and drag him along with me in my half-assed way, with absolutely no regard for whatever it is he actually needs or wants, and that doesn’t work either. I wish he would just fucking go to therapy and work on his own issues on his own but he just won’t. Obviously I can’t force him, nor can I hand him a list of things to work on with his imaginary therapist. But I really fucking wish I could. It’s like I can almost see the cracks in him where my incremental progress is draining out, but I know that those may not necessarily be the worst cracks he’s got. His underlying issues will probably warrant more priority for when (if) he ever seeks help, and probably in time they would close enough to begin healing the cracks that I can see. And I want to keep believing that this will happen someday, but I’m not seeing any progress. And that might just be my own myopia and self-centeredness, or it might be that he’s not actually making any progress. I don’t know.

And it’s probably not even him! My problems are my own and they’re from much larger issues that simply whatever the fuck is going on in our relationship. I don’t have a goddamn job! I don’t have a social life anymore! I’m afraid to go back to normal because there’s still a fucking pandemic going on! I could AND SHOULD start taking all those steps I envision for after I leave him and just do them now! Just skip the leaving him part and start fucking rebuilding my goddamn life right now, where I am. And I know that would probably help! A lot! But I keep just, not doing that. Any of it. I feel the most pressure to act when I feel most miserable, but when I feel more normal I just avoid doing anything toward any of those goals so I feel bad again when I’m miserable next.

Why I needed to say any of this to you is beyond me right now. I guess I just still trust you. You were the last happiest relationship I can remember. And I suppose I still believe that being with you would not have precluded all the other happy moments I’ve had away from you. On some level I think I still wish ----- was you and part of my disappointment with him is just that he doesn’t do things the same way you did. And that’s completely unfair of me. It’s unfair to him, it’s unfair to me, and it’s probably unfair to you somehow too. I think we’ve moved beyond rose-colored glasses by now, it’s like fucking rose-colored binoculars or some shit. Rose-colored microscope? Telescope? Oscilloscope? Might as well be a rose-colored gun scope for all the good it’s doing me. Fuck I’m glad I didn’t try to write you a real letter, this is a goddamn disaster. And that’s why I haven’t written you any letters since way back when: I know that it would just be a disaster like this. It wouldn’t really be a letter to you but a letter to what I imagine/remember of you. I think you were good at taking care of me, but I don’t remember taking care of you at all. I don’t really remember you having problems at all. At the time I felt like I was finally dating an equal, instead of the babysitting relationships I’d had up ‘til then, but I don’t remember actually doing my part and I can’t imagine what you saw in that young idiot I remember being. You did love me, I remember that without any doubt, and I’d like to say that you deserved better but I don’t regret any of our relationship. Sure, I regret some of my own actions, but the relationship itself was worth it and continues to have been worth it even now. I could say that I miss you, but I miss everything. I miss my friends, I miss my life (lives?), I miss being active and doing things. I miss meeting new people, I miss traveling, I miss going to parties, I miss having my intellect challenged, I miss laughing. I miss having adventures, I miss staying in being a treat rather than the default. I miss the back and forth of witty banter.

Well, thanks for listening, ghost of imaginary ------ past. I hope the real you is doing well.

Love,

RaCheedle Chum

#letters to the past #letter to my ex #rose colored glasses #relationships #pandemic depression #rose colored binoculars #introspection #get some goddamn therapy #things i miss #catharsis #crying

[i-used-to-wear-the-fedora]

"Ben, you can't just stay in the tub all day and play games on the laptop. It's not healthy for you." Phillip looked around at the mess that was their bathroom. Filled out crossword puzzles and mystery books solves were scattered everywhere. A pile of books that continued to accumulate by the day were sat next to the tub and a pile of wet towels. "Again? What did I tell you about leaving the towels on the ground? At least hang them up. "

"What's the point?" His detective moaned from his position in the bath. Head just above the water as their rubber duck, Elton, floated past Benoit's head. "I tried baking, sewing, blogging, gaming, there's nothing for me to do!'

This was true. The mess that was their flat was littered with half started hobbies and the messes that came with them. A seemingly impossible to remove red stain now decorated the wall just under the cabinets in the kitchen, courtesy of his husband's experimentation in fermenting kimchi.

"Yes, well, you could at least play somewhere that isn't so dark and depressing." As Phillip knelt down to gather the papers, he leaned over the tub's rim and pressed a quick kiss onto the detective's forehead. "Come on, Ms. Fletcher sent me this lovely pudding recipe to try, and I'm sure you'll enjoy it in the kitchen."

"That does sound mighty fine." The detective hummed, emerging from the lukewarm prison that was their tub. Phillip grabbed their last remaining clean towel and quickly handed it to his partner. "Speaking of, I was just talking to Jessica the other day, and she mentioned this new fangled game called Among Us...."

#benoit blanc #phillip #phillip blanc #glass onion #knives out #fanfiction #benoit x phillip #the pandemic depression was real #benoit should not cook for everyone's safety

[puppyeared]

they could make a new we didnt start a fire song with the amount of dystopian fuckery going on

#genocide and colonization; AI takeover; greedflation; american election; photomatt; covid pandemic; measles comeback #human rights violations; war crimes; tiktok; elon musk; low wages and layoffs at an all time high; ceo paycuts; online censorship #climate change; oil spills; car centric infrastructure #just to name a few off the top of my head. im not even saying this to be funny im like dead serious full on depressed #i hate being so negative on main because it feels defeatist and sends everyone into a spiral #but i really want to change the world if i can help it and that means not ignoring everything thats going on even when my brain is #screaming 'its so over.' i want more ways to change the world but thats exactly why the current systems in place thrive on supression #more ppl should hate the way things are instead of accepting it because none of this should be justified in the first place #please dont be sad. be angry because i think we all deserve to be the way things are going rn and i want to punch elons teeth in #vent #yapping

[wetcatspellcaster]

You've talked a bit about the Ascendant's motivations, but I have a question about Rosalie's. We know that she was trying to find ways to "fix her mistake", so to say, in not objecting to the ritual and letting Astarion ascend. True resurrection, Wish, etc. Obviously none of them were panning out until she met Hemlock and potentially has a lead for deciphering Wish.

Assuming he never did anything to lure her in, would she have kept looking for a solution for the rest of her life? Or would she have eventually given up and just kept in hiding forever so he couldn't find her? 10 years of looking for a solution to a seemingly impossible problem sound draining even without having to magically hide from your crazy ex and never being able to have another long term partner due to fears of what said crazy ex would do.

hahahaahahahaahahahahahahaha! this question! this question hurts me! in the best way!

so. um. here's the funny thing about your first Tav being defined by her break up with an ex that triggered her agoraphobia/anxiety/severe depression that then defined the next several years of her life and leaves her feeling like she'll never escape the shadow of her ex UNTIL she gets medicated by a tadpole and meets a new group of friends and then the new partner she's convinced she's unworthy of-

um-

yeah. so. I don't think. Rosalie. is very good at moving on.

Her break-up with Threnn was messy (I do stand by my argument made in Party Favours about it not being *about* Threnn, but about Rose's own mental health decline, and how trapped she becomes in one version of herself. my own understanding of my own depression means that the events that can lead people into their worst state often becomes decontextualised from the events that lead up to it, etc. Rose doesn't mourn Threnn, she mourns the person she was before Threnn, and feels trapped in the place she has reached, entirely separately of Threnn). But all that being said, the break up with Threnn did not have a body count. this one has a bodycount.

I genuinely do not think, given the steps she has taken to isolate herself and thus prevent herself from forming new, meaningful connections, Pieces Rosalie would never have stopped looking for a cure. it is extremely unhealthy, and it is extremely draining. Both parties in Pieces are very fucked up, it's just that Rosalie is quiet and self-destructive about it, and it's easier to stealth being fucked up when your ex is over there doing... whatever the fuck that is.

She would've continued to have a life that, from the outside, looks like it's successful and independent of Astarion and Ascendency, and is, at it's core.... completely defined by Astarion and Ascendency. She would have been very sad, and very lonely. I imagine she'd looked for cures so that her loneliness had a projected end-date, more for herself than anybody else.

Both of them become the worst and saddest versions of themselves in that timeline, the end. :(((((((

#asks #wip: pieces still stuck in your teeth #it's partly why i wanted an ascendency AU bc in many ways I think Rosalie has a worst timeline that is averted as well #an intensification of all her worst traits in the same way ascendency is an intensification of all Astarion's worst traits. #it's just all of Rosalie's worst traits are sad girl self pitying depression and loneliness #and no. i don't want to talk about how she's my pandemic OC.

[feralboo-the-weirdo]

I want a big friend group. A friend group where everyone feels safe to be themselves, to be happy and to be sad and to be a chaotic mix in the middle. I want a friend group where being nerodivergent is not only okay but normal. Where we help each other with our impossible tasks where it's okay to not be on top performance, to be struggling to have accommodations. I want a friend group where we can stay up all night and be laughing as we make breakfast the next morning. I want a friend group that feels like what a family is supposed to be. Where everyone is celebrated as they are. Where we're constantly encouraging each other to improve and be better but it's not malignant. Where softness is a strength, where everyone is so comfortable around each other our walls start to fall. where support is a given. Where it's not enmeshed, we still have boundaries, but it's safe. Where we're close not because we have to be but because we want to be. Where we go on chaotic adventures and things are still safe. A group of friends where you forget how lonely you've been. where you run through fields and travel the world and the world is bright and safe.

I just want a group of friends, or even just one. Not a soulmate, but something close. I'm tired of being so lonely. I just want someone to love and care about and someone to love and care for me, someone who feels safe. I'm just so tired of being alone. Of having to shield myself from my family.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

#adhd rsd #rsd #rsd things #rejection sensitive disorder #childhood trauma #cozy #we were lonely long before the pandemic #lonely #high functioning depression #highly sensitive people #daydreaming #cozy atmosphere #cozyvibes #warm and cozy #family #friend #girl group #emotional neglect #emotional suppression #emotional #deep feelings #thoughts #random thoughts #relatable content #I don't want to be lonely anymore #depersonalization

[blindedbythedarkness]

I turn 25 tomorrow. I wonder how many more birthdays until life feels survivable again. Will I even make it until that time? Or will Covid kill me first? Will /I/ kill me first if this pain and harm doesn't stop? If I do live, will I be too old to have a family by the time they're safe to exist?

My third pandemic birthday. I've lost all of my early 20s. They're not lost from wearing a mask, avoiding crowds or being safe. They're lost from being forced to grow up too damn fast. From being forced to choose between my health and my social life. From being excluded and ostracised from society and the communities where I thought I'd finally found a home. From having my basic humans rights- my rights to participate in society, to life, to safety, to healthcare- systematically stripped from me piece by piece whilst being told its not happening at all.

I'm slowly making peace with getting older. As much as I grieve the years I've lost, I'm equally grateful I've survived another one. It's a privilege to get older and I'm more grateful of that than ever. But the pain I'm enduring every single day from the hidden pandemic and gaslighting from everyone I ever trusted makes it hard to appreciate.

#birthday #25 #grief #grieving #mourning #depressed #depression #mental health #mental illness #suicide #suicidal thoughts #pandemic #covid19 #covid #wear a mask #covid isnt over #depressed thoughts #aging #chronic illness #trauma #emotional pain #loss #lgbtq #lgbt community

[savage-rhi]

Magggennnttaaaa!

#before the pandemic i sold a lot of original paintings and such at conventions and shows in my area #well some locals at a gathering today kindly informed me someone has been selling copies of my plague doctor piece #and some of my mini prints and presenting them as their own same with stickers #its not only ai we gotta worry about now even the damn locals are doing this shit #i got a show in may coming around the corner and I'm thinking i might not even sell paintings and stuff anymore if this is going to happen #im a creator that loves collaboration and thinks art should be free to enjoy #if this person approached and asked if they could sell my work i wouldn't give a fuck personally provided they give me credit and or a link #back to my stuff hell if people want to print my work if they cant afford it go for it #but fuck dude you don't just claim you did all that work as if it was yours #this was disheartening news #and several other local artists found out too at this venue that their work had been turned into stickers that vendors bought off amazon #ill hop off the soap box in a minute #still scrambling to get kofi stuff set and donation links prepared #thanks for your patience everyone #im getting out of a depressive funk too with what happened at my work place #and im gonna be speaking with a legal aid rep next week #magenta is my safe word for venting

[hairtusk]

i do want to say that i appreciate the friendships i've made on this website enormously. i'm bad at answering messages but if we're mutuals i genuinely consider you my friend.

#the last few years have been a bit weird for me irl #my core friendship group exploded in spectacular fashion during the early pandemic days #and my remaining close friends are now scattered around the world #i struggled to make close friends at university because i went through a really bad depressive episode #so it means a lot to me to have these connections. i truly mean it. #you guys are so sweet and supportive to me and i hope i can always be the same to you

[silentgrim]

my obsession over animal crossing nh has died off and i'm devastated

#i've been trying so hard to get back into but i just can't 😭 #literally can't even last an hour its so depressing #though #this game saved our sanity during the pandemic it's so beloved #forever in our hearts #now #i need nintendo to work their asses and come up w a new ac #we wouldnt come out of our huts #chatter #who knows maybe i'll rekindle my flame and give it another try

[disasterhimbo]

How do you bear it

#I’m just randomly crying today #Genocide and climate change and pandemics and capitalism suck #my post #personal #depressionposting #depression #mental health

[rillabrooke]

tagged by @dailyroutineisamyth - ty so much!

last song - “big black car" by gregory alan isakov

last show - the x-files (maybe?)

currently watching - nothing :( i want to finish poldark though

currently reading - the scarlett letter by nathaniel hawthorne

tagging @fairytale-lights @bluebellwren @dangerously-human @perhaps-mr-collins-has-a-cousin @please-dont-pet-the-okapi @bobapplesimblr @natolesims

#tagged #dailyroutineisamyth #i started watching txf and got through most of the first episode but it was like 1am and i fell asleep #so uh i should really revisit that cuz i think it's right up my alley #and i watched maybe 2 seasons of poldark during the pandemic but never finished it #it's really depressing sometimes so it requires the right mindset for me to watch it tho 😅

[pictureday2005]

trunk or treat. trick or treating days before the actual holiday. spirit halloween opening in early september. christmas decorations being on shelves at the same time as halloween.

no fucking wonder kids are so disillusioned with all of this and live in their phones. nothing is special anymore. whats the point of even having holidays like this when nobody even celebrates them on the holiday anymore???

#crayon on envelope #i already hate christmas #i waited all week for the stuff on webkinz but it still didnt feel like halloween #nobody carved pumpkins #nobody decorated #its so fucking depressing to see #and yea post pandemic shit but like they were still celebrating holidays on the actual dates when world war 2 ended bro #I DONT THINK THATS THE ISSUE HERE #my friend ryan and i went trick or treating last year and people were like #annoyed #like he was amost 20 i just turned 23 and his friend who was our handler was 21 i think #handler as in fursuit handler #we all look like teenagers and two of us had fursuit heads on #they werent annoyed in the 'adults trick or treating' way #they were annoyed bc the whole ass town had just celebrated it on the 30th #like???? bruh #whats the fucking point anymore

[purlturtle]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Warehouse 13 Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Myka Bering/Helena "H. G." Wells Characters: Myka Bering, Helena "H. G." Wells Additional Tags: Prompt Fill, sapphicwritingprompts, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, References to Depression, Grief/Mourning, pandemic mention Summary:

This story was a prompt by @sapphicwritingprompts on Tumblr; unfortunately I can't find the actual post anymore or I'd link it.

Prompt was (paraphrasing): you don't have a green thumb, but you decide to try one last time to grow a plant - and promptly forget about it. You step outside and nearly faint from shock when you see the healthiest plants you've ever seen. And then you get hit by a squirt from your neighbor's water gun.

This story has an open end; it is as far as the prompt has taken me. I won't be writing more for this scenario. If anyone else wants to pick up where I left off, feel free!

#bering and wells #warehouse 13 #myka bering #helena wells #helena g wells #my fic #one-shot #pandemic fic #depression fic #open ended fic #prompt fic

[stesierra]

Sometimes I look back on the early years of the pandemic and try to tell myself that it wasn't that bad because neither my husband or myself lost our jobs and we didn't end up in the hospital. Then I look at my camera roll from that time. It's-- it's all cats. No pictures of me. No pictures of him. No trips, no dining out, no walks outside. The only thing that made me slightly happy was my three cats. God, I was so depressed. I have no idea how I wrote five books in 2020 (the Revenant Trilogy, As Immortality Fades, and the Spellbound King.)

Here's a picture of Tangerine from that time. I believe the book I was writing was the Soul-Seer, the second in the Revenant Trilogy.

#depression #pandemic #writing

[ethereal-bumble-bee]

Sometimes I feel like the last of my excitement for holidays was in 2020 and I haven’t really experienced a single holiday since

#christmas #halloween #holidays #xmas #idk it’s just like the magic has been gone since the pandemic #Or maybe it was the depression #They’re just all so draining