#but im so fucking tired of not having anyone looking out for me or feeling like anyone gives a shit whether i live or die lmao

[pa-pa-plasma]

bro you are on the FANDOM WEBSITE why are you NOT supporting your fandom creators????? do you WANT us to stop??? do you want there to be no more art & fic?? because that’s what happens when you don’t reblog our stuff. this isn’t a threat, this is a reality. if there is no one here wanting to see our stuff we won’t post it. I’m not trying to guilt trip here, none of us are, we’re literally just saying that if there is no motivation to spend 10+ hours making fanart or 5 years writing a multichapter fic for free then we won’t fucking do it

^this shit? ridiculous. I LOVE EVERYONE WHO REBLOGGED & INTERACTED WITH MY ART! I LOVE EVERYONE WHO ASKED QUESTIONS & COMMENTED!! but so many of these people just liked it & left. this has been getting worse over the years, too. the reblogs to likes ratio has been getting crazier. I create because I love it, but if I have no reason to post, I won’t. fandoms dry up because of this. creators quit because of this.

we just need to stop acting like this is instagram, or that anyone cares what your blog looks like. people don’t see your likes, they see your reblogs. you want that favourite content creator to post more art? you want that writer to post the next chapter of your fav fic?? reblog it. share it. show them you care, because otherwise they won’t. this is a hobby we do for free. you consume our stuff for free. you aren’t entitled to it, so please just reblog, it isn’t hard.

#we aren't asking for money we're asking for you to hit a button #stop being a little bitch #this is tumblr. no one gives a shit about your ''aesthetic'' or whatever #no one even looks at who reblogs what on here #i'm sick of seeing people not sharing works out of spite & acting like wanting attention for our labour is bad #I SPEND 15 HOURS DRAWING YOU BETTER FUCKING REBLOG IT. I'M POSTING IT SO I CAN FEEL BETTER #AFTER SPENDING 15 HOURS HUNCHED IN A SHITTY CHAIR WITH MY WRIST ALL FUCKED UP & MY LAPTOP TRYING TO KILL ITSELF & ME #im not asking to be PAID im asking for you to share artist's & writers' works. we are 99% of the fandom's content #you want more content? fucking motivate us to make it. you are getting it for free. stop being an asshole & fucking reblog it #i'm so fucking tired of people with their cold ass takes #if i EVER like anyone's art & don't reblog it THAT WAS A MISTAKE. I MEANT TO REBLOG BUT TUMBLR GLITCHED OR I RAN OUT OF REBLOGS #i KNOW how hard it is to spend hours days YEARS on something & for no one to care #i am literally just asking for everyone to have some sympathy #like imagine if your employer started complaining about how selfish it is you work for free? that's this #you'd quit that job #YOU CAN'T COME TO THE FANDOM WEBSITE & COMPLAIN THAT FANDOM CREATORS WANT ATTENTION FOR THEIR WORK #EVERYONE WANTS ATTENTION YOU STUPID MANTHING IT CAME FREE WITH YOUR FUCKING HUMAN BRAIN

[strangerhands]

mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.

#it was so good tho #like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked #the fight scenes🤌 #the environments/settings🤌 #all of the fuckin machinery🤌 #the acting🤌 #the everything🤌 #yum #also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy.. #i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it #sorta vent-> #but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part #because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝 #just tee bee ehch #and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit #so i just went to sleep #and i was busy today #yesterday* #and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit #idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is #i felt a bit better yesterday though #and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea #hopefully that helps soonish idk #i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here #also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged #so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there #why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg #anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow #idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea #talkin shit

[etchedstars]

sorry idk i just think that if you complain abt your partner being the only person who cares about you but then block out every single one of your friends after you grow tired of them then maybe you have some self growth to do

#not to vague post but like. come on lmao #youre not a magnet for shitty ppl man maybe youre just a shitty person #and like admittedly i dont think this person was but come on if you dont have anyone consistent in your life bc YOU shut all of them out #youre doing something wrong. sorry. #ok thats my only ventpost this month. i feel like i have a right to pettiness for not vagueposting three months ago #the overdue asteroid strikes again #i hope the person this is abt sees this lmao <3 i also hope youre doing better and youve gotten over yourself #frankly i didnt need to see anime characters nor your petty complaints over how bad your life is but i did! i put up it with it bc i though #we were friends! but at the same time if you want ppl to care about you youre sure as fuck making it hard to 😭😭 hows anyone gonna care abt #you if you block them once youre tired of them or if they do one thing that offends you #if youre looking for perfect friends then like dont. the point of having friends is loving them. despite despite despite. #hypocritical as fuck lmfao. i thought huh maybe i should block you after you told me you were so jealous of me you couldnt read my writing #you make it so fucking hard for anyone to care about you and im sure you know that bc its all you post about #well. i cared about you. youre fucking awful and i shouldnt have though

[pepprs]

crying again lol ok

#purrs #and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking #damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I #miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out #FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks #being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i #even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just #text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or #at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju #just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an #and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be #been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode #and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b #be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a #breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing #on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here #delete later #like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway #and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy. #retreat tag

[rotturn]

once i come back from my trip i think... there's gonna be some big changes

#theres a Lot of mutuals ive been trying to interact w who ignore me and a fair few I've stayed mutuals w #just bc it feels like i have to #and it has made tumblr feel. very lonely #i know this time of year just gets like that #but like. theres people who i used to be close to and talk to a lot who i can not get a reply from ic or ooc these days #and like people move on thats fine its just. idk it sucks #and i know im guilty of being slow sometimes and messages sometimes get missed if im overwhelmed but #i try very very hard to at least reply sometimes or acknowledge peoples posts/existence #but it only feels like 3 or 4 people actually want me here or want to talk to me #idk i love rping and i love being here but this is a collaborative hobby and it feels very much like everyones got people except me #the two people that i talk to every day mean the world to me i love u guys #but outside of those 2 and like 3 other people who like my posts i just feel. like im only a number in peoples follower counts #maybe come the end of jan people will be back online more and I'll feel better but idk #i just try so hard to be here all the time and have completely fucked my sleep schedule on Many occasions #just to hang out and talk w people and i throw my all into trying to be here and have friends and be interesting #and i guess im just. not? and it sucks but it is what it is i guese #i just wish that this wasnt such a lonely place bc im so tired of deleting a bunch of posts constantly bc they get no notes #and it makes me feel like my blog looks messy and bad for anyone new whos looking #i just constantly feel like i have to apologize for existing here and its not fair thats not what this is meant to be #i miss having friends here. people used to like me and im not sure what changed

[just-another-obsessed-fangirl]

yall ever cry from how lonely you are? :(

#personal #been doing that more and more often lately #i also feel like im oversharing in the tags of other posts even more than i usually have #but i. dont have much people to talk to #or at least. i dont know how to talk to people. not naturally or without putting my brain into overdrive #maybe the autism's to blame but being a good conversationalist and someone that seems human to other humans is not a natural habit for me #and ive been trying!! ive been trying all my fucking life to give off the right vibes - whatever the fuck that means - #and to not seem like an alien and to just have whatever -it- is that everyone else has #but i feel like no matter what i do I'll always just feel like people are looking at me like im from the uncanny valley #it's like i have to learn to be human academically and every time i have human interaction to anyone outside of my immediate family is #like being given a test #why cant things be natural for me!! why do i have to learn things academically!! #im so tired of tests!! and i feel like at this point i should just /know/ how this goes #and not need to pull up human interaction information in my brain!! it should be hardwired in!!! #im tired!! im so fucking tired!! but im so lonely!! #but im fucking exhausted!!! #and i can be good at the human interaction but it's not natural for me!! #i dont wanna just be good at it!! i want it to be easy!! #i want all the practice ive put in to be fucking innate by now!! #i am burnt out on everything!!! #i am always trying my best but it is never good enough!!!

[featherymainffins]

Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.

#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread #because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food #all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself' #I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real #or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the #2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it #because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming #that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible #but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever' #or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow. #show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased #like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours #my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days #and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity #feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all. #at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its #consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces #immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care. #i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight #also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.' #they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try. #like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars #and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people #even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me #or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound

[dxsertrot]

Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it

#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work #i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog #the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel #although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick #it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need #im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have #and i dont need anyone elses validation #things will come to me when im ready and its right #if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me #and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem #i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen #ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore #my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif #and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me #it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand #im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure #and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways #besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought #and ive done more than i ever anticipated #i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it #and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity #ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing #and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities #i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things #i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that #if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to #work at #and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things #its not that complicated and its not that messy #it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me

[smithsparker]

,

#the harder i swim the faster i fucking sink #i actually tried my best to like. do something today. went to my sport practice that ive been skipping for weeks #and it sucked and i didnt like it and the girls there all ignored me (obviously because im never fucking there) #and i had to train with this tiny fucking annoying kid who kept walking away and leaving me alone #so i couldnt fucking do anything #and now im home and my entire body hurts and my mum told me to go away and im just. fuck !! #i KNOW its late and im just tired but dude im tired of my entire fucking life #i tried to pick out nice clothes today to help me feel better (bc i had been scrolling pinterest and was feeling so inspired) #but that just made me miserable <3 because im not a fucking pinterest girl and my closet is just random shit #not some fucking. aesthetic . and i never own the clothes that i wanna wear at that moment but i also can never find things i love in stores #and i cant believe im complaining about something as mundane as this i just. feel like shit rn #tried to do some painting and it didnt work bc i had zero inspiration and everything i made looked ugly as hell! so that was fun #i fucking. need to change something up. cut my hair weed out my closet change my room. because i am feeling sooo stuck in this life #first tho. i will go to bed #because of course i have fucking work tomorrow. i cant WAIT until april when i can finally stop at this fucking job #(well i say can. they fired me <3 but who cares i wanted to quit anyway) #this has been. a long rant. oops #i just hate that so often when i try to make a positive change it just . fucking sucks #but what can i do about it. not much! #goodnight anyone who read all this i'm sorry #sas.txt

[hecksupremechips]

Idk how to even talk to anyone anymore when it’s just the same thing in a loop over and over

#i cant tell anyone anything or ask for help cuz lets see what happens #i get hit with a generic ‘just keep going keep looking for jobs keep going’ #or i get *too honest* and then ive completely drained someone of life cuz thats really all im capable of doing anymore it seems #like it seems all i do is go on some sorta monologue about how miserable i am which is pointless cuz its not like anyone will do anything #and its just stressing people out too cuz its like lol if youre helpless and have to listen to me bitch over and over to you #its either annoying as hell to hear or its guilt inducing and we cant have that now can we #and im quite frankly tired of all these options like lol the very few people i actually like and enjoy are just fuckin #nothing anymore cuz im ruining their lives and being an awful friend #its really great how youre supposed to confide in people when youre feeling like shit but then doing so ruins everything #lol what am i supposed to do now you know? i cant talk about anything except myself and my misery #and its a never ending cycle cuz im still here in this unsafe environment and im just so fucking sick #of people telling me to just keep going and keep looking for jobs cuz god bitch thats what ive been doing #and i have nothing yet and lets say i get a job tomorrow its probably gonna pay like shit #and im too incompetent to work 40 hours so if i wanna like ease myself slightly itd take even longer to have money #and its just gonna take forever to save money enough to leave and god I need out like right now #because im just gonna go insane and im gonna kill myself if im here any longer every second im here breathing #feels like im being strangled im becoming a monster too and the worst friend of all time and terribly selfish and whiny #lol i guess ive just got this dumb fantasy where ill be saved by someone who treats me nice and they take me away #and i dont have to wait or lift a damn finger i can just. be safe. and get a hug and not fear my life #im so lazy and worthless and horrible I really do just deserve to die #but i guess i cant say that. cuz then itll make everyone too drained lol

[hyperexplosion]

.

#vent again just ignore please and thank you. chewing at my arm. ik why we have to wait till next year for me to get help i do know why and #i understand but it also just sucks. its at least helping though no matter what i just gotta hold on but i rly dont want to hold on anymore #id say i sound pathetic or worthless but im not. ik im not. talked about mental health with my best friend today snd idk made me so self #aware of myself i feel gross and ugly. i cant even look in mirror by how ugly i am. i want to drink. i really want to drink. it sucks. #ditched or the person seems bored.. there's no point lmai. #the craving sucks. im sleepin almost all day and than night fucking sucks. i should be sleeping now but i need to write my thoughts out or #i will feel worse i will feel so much worse snd i dont want to be a burden. i dont want to bother people. i hope when im like.. getting hel #and getting better i hope i can like idk not be afraid to ask people to vibe with me. maybe one day but im so scared amount i have been #and sorry tired of hearing same 'just do something distract yourself' yeah only so much a distraction is s distraction. i never felt this #low.. i never felt this low for months now. im so tired idk this week is busy maybe that will help. maybe decorating for my fav holiday wil #help my brain a little. than again why would she want me around. i think about how dad asked mom if i was okay on my birthday. is the facad #fading? are people catching on? i need to stop before i see my brother on friday. even my best friend noticed he hugged me but i didnt even #hug back i just leaned into him for awhile before moving away. i want to die. will i? no. i wont. im too scared. but i want to. #i can sleep now. #i think people should stop lying i hate liars i am not afraid to drop anyone that does.

[35gofbeansprouts]

💭.

#i m so tired of being fat. lmao #like yea its '''my fault'' and whatever but #its so hard to just do anything about it #i hate that Exercise has to be its own thing instead of just already being part of something else i do #had to buy clothes for work today u see #and they fit but they looked awful. gross even #my mum was putting me on diets before i was 10 and now being fat feels like the worst thing ever #i feel like. worthless. feel like im disturbing ppl by leaving my house #like im sorry u have to perceive me i hate it too #and im constantly trying to have an Excuse ready #i feel loke im not allowed to be fat and if anyone mentions it i wanna have a Valid Reason #cant fucking sleep like. ugh i should be exercising instead !! or whatever #i feel so ugly and TRAPPED in my own body #i cant escape The Excess i cant take it off when its unbearable i cant hide it i cant ignore it #i dont even bother looking in the mirror anymore lmao #i already i know how i look no need to remind me thanks ! #when i look in the mirror it gets rlly hard to make myself go out anymore #i see myself and its always worse than i expected and i just think Oh