#but like legit every word of this song i can relate to it's scary

[jasonbehrs]

something that i already know

by airauralintensity (aka me, jasonbehrs!)

As soon as Siwon says it, he can see the way so much clicks into place in Shindong’s astute, masterful, beautiful mind… But not even Shindong can draw the correct conclusion when he isn’t provided with every relevant fact. If he could, they would have cleared the air so long ago.

fandom: kpop, super junior characters: siwon, shindong, eunhyuk ships: shinwon, sihyuk genres: friendship, angst, romance themes: slice of life, one-sided crush, angst with a happy ending setting: high school into college; metro seoul area, south korea word count: 12.7k

read it below or on ffnet, aff, wattpad

A/N (05/01/2021): Hi, ELF! This is my first Super Junior fanfic :) Title comes from the Backstreet Boys song of the same name; cover image is made by me; and if you recognise anything in the fic, that means I don't own it. Happy reading!

~~~

It's never easy being the new kid in school, and Donghee is no exception. He has no friends; he has to play a lot of catch-up in the first few weeks because where his old teachers left off doesn't match up to where his new teachers are picking up; and he has to spend precious emotional energy acclimating to the culture and social politics.

Add in the fact that it's senior year, and he's at the most elite academy in Gyeonggi on a scholarship—he's seen this K-drama before. He knows how it ends.

"Hey! You're the new kid, Shin Donghee, right? Can I sit here?"

Admittedly, Tall, Bright, and Handsome doesn't usually come up to bully the new kid with such a charming smile on his face in the script, but Donghee still knows his role.

"Yeah, got it. Sorry. Didn't know this was your seat," he mumbles as he hurriedly packs up his lunch and books. He's not trying to make waves on his first day, thank you very much.

"No, no," T.B.H. puts out his hand to stop him from putting his planner away, and Donghee is shocked into stillness from the glaringly off-script performance that the other is putting on. "I meant, like, can I sit with you? I didn't know if you wanted to sit alone or not; but if you wanted the option for company, here I am."

Another winsome smile graces the other's face, and Donghee's eyes narrow. "Are you sure you wanna sit with the scholarship kid?" he asks sardonically. He isn't trying to get away anymore, but he's still not convinced he's welcome here.

Tall, Bright, and Handsome's light dims just a bit, but his pout is still effortlessly charming. It's almost offensive. "Come on. We're not like that here."

Donghee looks no further than just above the other's shoulder and sees a group of girls whispering and giggling in their direction. He looks back at the well-meaning but clueless hero of the story and raises an unimpressed eyebrow. T.B.H. looks over his shoulder to see what he saw, and he at least has the grace to be embarrassed when he turns back around.

Donghee is prepared to give a half-conciliatory, half-I told you so parting glance, but the other student keeps talking. "I'll admit, that's not a good look for us," he says with a grimace, "but would you believe me if I said they were acting like that because of me and not you?"

Considering he's been calling the guy 'Tall, Bright, and Handsome' in his head this whole time, yeah, he could believe it.

Hoping against hope that he isn't about to regret this, Donghee sits back down at the lunch table. T.B.H.'s smile is so bright, Donghee thinks he saw one of the guy's front teeth actually sparkle. "I'm Choi Siwon," he introduces as he extends his hand. Donghee shakes it and wryly thinks to himself that of course T.B.H.'s real name means 'cool.'

~~~

To nobody's surprise, Siwon is part of the popular crowd, which Donghee determines by the look on everyone's faces when Siwon invites him to sit with his friends at lunch the next day. The guys weren't exactly welcoming, but they were polite. He doesn't know whether maybe Siwon said something to them or not about being nice to the new kid; but honestly, he'll take it. He's still not entirely convinced that this is the setup for some sort of 'Carrie' situation or something. It's senior year after all, so prom is coming up.

It isn't until Siwon invites them all over to study together that things shift.

"Bro, what the fuck," Kangin says out of the blue, causing everyone to look up and causing Donghee to drop the pencil he was playing with. Kangin is staring at him—more specifically, his hand—and everyone's attention turns to him instead.

"Uh," he intones, not sure what is happening here and suddenly feeling the urge to look up.

"Do that again," Kangin demands, gesturing at Donghee's hand. His fingers twitch involuntarily at the command, but he genuinely has no clue what he's meant to do. He looks to Siwon with a clear plea for help on his face.

"Youngwoon, what gives?" Siwon asks, using Kangin's real name to snap him out of whatever is captivating the varsity baseball captain.

"Donghee was legit balancing a fucking pencil on his finger!" Kangin exclaims while gesturing helplessly at Donghee's hand.

Donghee understands immediately. "Ah, sorry. I forgot I did that." Without further prompting, he balances his pencil on its eraser at the tip of his middle finger. He moves his hand side to side for fun, showing off how the graphite tip stays roughly at the same point in the air all the while. With a flick of his finger, he launches the pencil up and catches it in mid-air, smoothly transitioning to end with a bow in his seat with the same gesture.

He looks up to find four slack-jawed teenage boys, and he brags, "I can do that with basically anything I can lift."

All pretenses of studying are summarily discarded in favour of testing this theory. Donghee easily balances notebooks, folding chairs, and even a curtain pole (dismantled from the window by an excited Heechul and reinstalled by an amused Siwon).

Once the others are thoroughly entertained, they don't want to go back to studying. Alas, they are at Siwon's house; as rich as he is, he doesn't have any convenient distractions (which Donghee surmises is the point of going to Siwon's to study in the first place). Kibum's the one to recommend just going to the local convenience store and walking around for no reason, which feels a lot like acceptance to Donghee.

In fact, it isn't long until he finds himself hanging out with some of the guys sans Siwon.

Kibum hands Donghee part of his deck for some trading card game he's never even heard of before, much more played; but after two rounds and a gradual learning of the rules, Donghee is now locked into a 1v1 match against Kibum, having just killed Heechul's last creature card.

"You sure your name's Shin Donghee and not Hee Shindong?" Heechul mutters as he throws his cards on the table. "Like, what can't you do?"

Donghee isn't paying him any attention then, instead supremely focused on using his impromptu green-black strategy to beat Kibum with his own deck.

So he's surprised when the next day Heechul slaps his back and says, "Yah! Shindong! I've been calling you for like five minutes!" as he falls into step with Donghee on his way to school. "Run me through the lymphatic system one more time." Donghee obligingly pulls out his notebook and helps his friend cram for their biology quiz that day, but his mind is somewhere else.

He's never had a nickname before, and he likes it.

~~~

Siwon is nothing like what he expects.

He spends most of his free time with the guys now, and he keeps coming back to that realisation.

Siwon is touchy. Like, more affectionate than a dog or a baby could be—combined. Kibum may be the youngest, but Siwon is the baby, and no one seems to mind treating him as such. Shindong is a man who likes his personal space, but Siwon's touches are so genuinely friendly and joyful that he finds himself readily inviting them into his bubble.

Siwon is expressive. Casual observers would never notice more than his charming smile and runway-ready neutral gaze, but he and the guys know better than that. Siwon talks with his whole body. His amusement is measured in congratulatory high-fives, and his stress in head shakes and tapping fingers. Shindong can always tell what he's thinking and feeling.

Siwon is down-to-earth. He's the richest in their friend group by a whole social class, but nothing about him plays on Shindong's financial insecurities. In fact, the first time Shindong hosted his friends over, the power went out, and Siwon was the only one who happened to recognise the strategically placed candles and matches around the living room. He wordlessly helped Shindong light them back up and suggested they take advantage of the dark to tell scary stories. Shindong will always be grateful for that.

Siwon is single. Sure, he doesn't give off playboy vibes, but he is certainly the poster child for monogamy. Shindong would not have been surprised to meet a loving, long-term girlfriend who is just as angelic as Siwon is and somehow twice as gorgeous, but no such person exists. Shindong has seen girls confess to Siwon literally once a day since they became friends (the record for a single day is currently four confessions), but Siwon graciously yet firmly denies them all.

Siwon is his best friend. It starts with study sessions, which turn into de-stress movie nights, which turn into sleepovers—and before he knows it, people from teachers to strangers start considering them a package deal. Shindong doesn't mind, of course. Siwon is less intense when he's not around the others, more introspective and goals-oriented—and Shindong can relate. It's great to have a friend who gets both sides of him and around whom he can comfortably show both sides. He didn't have one at his old school, but he's glad he has someone now.

~~~

"Want the rest of my pork?" Kibum offers Shindong at lunch. "Nah, I don't believe in cannibalism," Shindong says, even as he begins transferring the meat over to his own lunch tray.

The table is silent for a moment, but luckily he places his tray down just as Kangin decides to lay an open-palm slap to his back, laughing uproariously. Heechul is legitimately choking on his own food, and Kibum gives him a nod with a grin to acknowledge the joke.

Shindong feels pretty pleased with himself—he just knew that joke would land—and he glances over at Siwon to see the other's reaction. To his surprise, Siwon is staring at the table with a furrowed brow instead. Shindong frowns but lets it go. It's too bad Siwon was too busy thinking to hear his joke.

After lunch, the two of them only have the last class of the day together, and he notices Siwon still seems to be in a sour mood. Shindong racks his brain trying to remember if Siwon had a test he was worried about today. Maybe he feels like he failed?

"Hey, man," he calls out to Siwon after the final bell rings. "Wanna get some gyoza? On me."

Siwon's face brightens for the first time since lunch, and Shindong knows he made the right call; but in the time it takes for them to head to the Japanese place near his house and settle into a booth, Siwon's mood is dark again.

The table is quiet as Siwon plays with his food, making no move to eat any. Shindong stuffs two fried shrimp pieces in his mouth as casually as possible. Don't ask him why, but he thinks talking with his mouth full will help break the ice. "Hey, you good? You've been in a mood all day."

Siwon briefly meets Shindong's carefully neutral stare then averts his eyes to the table. "I don't like it when you do that," he mutters.

Shindong freezes with the next set of two gyoza halfway to his mouth. "Eat? Sorry man, I'm very diligent about my eat-anything-in-sight diet. If I stopped being fat, the girls at school would be all over me instead of you, which would disturb the balance of our friendship." He ends with a bite of dumpling and a cheeky grin.

"No, that! The self-deprecating jokes about your size!"

They both freeze. Siwon did not mean to blurt it out like that.

He deflates a little in his seat in embarrassment. "I don't like them. They make me sad," he continues in a much quieter tone.

Shindong did not see this coming and, frankly, has no idea how to react. "Um, you want me to stop being fat?"

"No, I want you to stop drawing attention to it. It's like you have to make a mean joke about your size first before anyone else can. No one in the group would ever be mean to you about it; I wouldn't let them," Siwon states adamantly. He means every word. The second one of the others crosses a line, he wouldn't hesitate to make sure they never, ever did it again.

The words are out before Shindong fully thinks about them. "You can say the word 'fat,' Siwon. Newsflash, I am fat. I'm as fat as you are tall. It's just something about me. I won't hesitate to make a fat joke any sooner than Heechul would hesitate to make a bi joke." His frustration surprises even himself, so he takes a sip from his water to calm down.

Siwon takes that as his cue to plead his case, and pleading he is. "It doesn't bother you that that's the part of yourself you decide to play up for the jokes? You're a great dancer, and you're quick on your feet—literally and figuratively! You'd be so great at, like, slapstick or something!" Shindong snorts, but Siwon forges on. "I just don't like seeing my friends laugh at you for… for being fat when you're so much more than that."

Shindong doesn't say anything, just lowers his head, and Siwon sighs. "You want to make a fat joke, don't you." "AND I'M SO MUCH ALREADY—okay. I'm done, I'm done."

Siwon withers and lets his head drop to his arms on the table. Shindong laughs, all tension dissipated. "So, this is clearly bothering you a lot," he needlessly observes. Siwon nods his head without lifting it up, and Shindong takes pity on him. "Alright, I'll try to tone it down. Or maybe I'll do like you said and just sprinkle in other kinds of jokes. No one likes a one-trick pony anyway."

Siwon peeks up through his eyelashes, and Shindong nods faux-sagely. "And maybe in the future when I'm rich and can afford therapy, I'll find out you're right and my brand of humour was simply a defense mechanism for some deeply internalised fatphobia all along. Then you could say, 'I told you so.'"

Siwon shakes his head resolutely. "That's not something I want to be right about."

Shindong shrugs in a 'suit yourself' manner and goes back to eating, and Siwon follows suit.

After a stretch of companionable silence, Siwon speaks up again. "I knew you're fat—I know it—but I don't think I understood that being fat was a part of you. Thank you for giving me a chance to understand you better. I thought I was intervening in something unhealthy, but I see now that that wasn't as righteous as I thought it was." He pauses then and doesn't continue until Shindong looks up to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry if I came off as insensitive or, worse, embarrassed. You don't embarrass me, Donghee."

Shindong looks back down at his food, unsure of what the emotion is in Siwon's voice as the other said his real name. "I know, but thank you."

~~~

Shindong is everything he didn't know he needs.

As the school year progresses, Siwon finds himself feeling lighter and lighter, and he can trace all of his growing juvenescence directly to his new best friend.

Shindong values hard work. The other guys are great at their own things, but they're missing that fire under their butts that makes them actually try. Shindong doesn't just put in the effort; he also appreciates the challenge and sees it as an opportunity instead. Shindong empowers Siwon to embrace his own challenges in a way that he didn't feel like he could do until Shindong came around.

Shindong tries new things. Siwon is a rather adventurous guy himself, but that's not what he means. Shindong picks up and drops hobbies as quickly as Heechul switches partners, and he's amassed a great wealth of knowledge as a result. He's dynamic, and Siwon could never get bored of the way Shindong talks about his niche interest du jour.

Shindong speaks his mind. His friend group is made up of some pretty lax guys, which is great until some of them get into an argument. They never really talk things out, instead waiting until it's no longer annoying to be in the same room and just choosing to let it go. When Shindong is offended, you'll know. When he's wrong, he'll admit it. It does lead to some tension at first, but they all end up better for it as a result, and Siwon wishes he could be that brave.

Shindong trusts him. When Siwon was planning on hosting the guys over at his house for Kangin's birthday since he has an indoor pool and hot tub, Shindong shyly asked him to think of something else because he's afraid of water. That was a request Siwon was more than happy to oblige if it meant including Shindong in the festivities.

Shindong doesn't need him to be 'on' all the time. One time Kangin invited himself over to one of their hangouts—he and Shindong had planned to read the newspaper together to catch up on current events and financial affairs—and he got bored and complained that they should do something more fun. Before Siwon could worry Shindong felt the same way, the other had sassily defended their brand of bonding and just told Kangin to leave if he didn't like it. Siwon loves the fact that Shindong cherishes that quiet time together as much as he does.

Siwon thinks he maybe just loves Shindong.

~~~

Shindong slides into the seat beside Siwon in their first shared class of the day just as he slides an envelope across Siwon's desk. The envelope happens to have the same seal as the university into which Siwon is planning on matriculating. They offered him a spot on the varsity basketball team and sponsored on-campus living, and Mama Choi didn't raise no fool.

Siwon raises an eyebrow in interest, and Shindong simply points at the envelope with his chin. Siwon takes that as the invitation it is, and he pulls out the letter inside.

Congratulations, Donghee! You have been accepted…

Siwon whips his head up to look at Shindong, who has the largest shit-eating grin on his face.

They need to talk about this. Now.

"Seonsaengnim!" Siwon abruptly interrupts the teacher's lecture with his hand straight in the air. He ignores all the eyes that turn to him in shock. "Donghee isn't feeling too well. Can I take him to the nurse?"

All attention shifts to Shindong, who improvises in stride. "Ughhhhhnnnn," he groans pitifully, slouching over on his desk for added effect.

"Very well, then," the teacher waves off. Siwon stands up and bows hastily before half-guiding, half-dragging Shindong out the door. "Awwwwwwgggggghhhh," Shindong keeps up the ruse as he stumbles out, affecting delirium.

Once they're out of sight from the doorway, they run down the halls until they reach the bathroom, trying without success to contain their giggles along the way. "Couldn't give me a head's up back there?" Shindong teases as he sits on the edge of a sink, lightly panting.

"Couldn't give me a head's up that you were applying to my university?" Siwon punches Shindong's shoulder, acting affronted, but he swoops in for a bone-crushing hug immediately afterwards.

Shindong awkwardly returns the hug. (Siwon pinning his arms to his side means he can only reach Siwon's elbows.) His voice is quiet when he says, "My hopes were already up. I didn't want to get yours up, too."

Siwon gets it, so he lets it and Shindong go. The excited smile stays on his face, though. "Are you gonna go?"

"I don't know, man. They gave me a scholarship, but that just brings the tuition cost down to the same price as the local uni. I'd still have to get a job or a work-study to help offset the costs; and on top of that, I'd be so far away from home…"

"... But you're willing to go through all that just to keep going to the same school as me?" Siwon offers cheekily, squashing that incredibly light feeling in his chest with humour.

Shindong rolls his eyes. "I was gonna say, 'But all that is doable, and hey, at least you'll be there for me to mooch off of,'" he says with an attitude, but the corners of his lips quirk up at the end.

"You're right. I'll be there for you," Siwon affirms. Something about the serious way he said that makes Shindong feel like he's missing something, but he brushes it off. He was a little nervous about going so far away for school, but he has a feeling he'll be fine with Siwon around.

~~~

Siwon sidles up to Heechul, who casually throws his arm around the newcomer's shoulders despite the height difference. "How's my favourite wallet doing?" Heechul teases.

They're the only two to share this free period, and they often spend it outside, chatting, listening to music, doing homework, whatever. This time, Siwon finds Heechul leaning against a wall and people-watching.

"What's your read on Shindong?" Siwon asks as casually as possible. He's hoping he doesn't need to explain further, and luckily Heechul doesn't need clarification. Heechul knows what Siwon means.

He also knows: "Give up before it's too late."

Siwon's hopes plummet. "Really?" he asks, face and voice coloured by obvious disappointment.

Heechul looks over at Siwon and realises it is, in fact, too late for the other. His heart clenches for his long-time friend, and Heechul finds himself equivocating out of a need to assuage him. "Maybe I'm wrong for once. Like, what do I know? I'm just 18."

Siwon tries on a bright smile. "Yeah, maybe. There's gotta be a first time for everything, right, hyung?"

But now is not one of those times, and Heechul knows it. "Don't say I didn't warn you, though." He tries on a reassuring grin and a friendly knock on Siwon's shoulder.

He knows it looks more like a grimace, and he knows Siwon is ignoring that. He just doesn't know how long it'll take before Siwon's heart breaks.

He may not have had Heechul's fullest support, but Siwon has spent Too Many days thinking about this to go back now. It took long enough as it is to even get to this point; but if he's being honest with himself, he knew it was only a matter of time.

He finds his opportunity on their way home from school the week before showtime.

"Shindong, wanna go to prom with me?" "What?"

Shindong gives him a look so incredulous, Siwon is reminded of one of those dogs with smushed faces. The thought makes him smile even though his heart feels simultaneously too heavy and too fast.

"Should I, um, should I repeat myself?" he asks while trying to hide his shaking hands by grabbing onto his backpack straps.

"I'm just… so confused. Didn't Kwon Boa ask you to prom yesterday? Did she dump you already? What did you do?!"

In truth, Siwon turned her down as soon as she asked him, but saying that now would be unhelpful for his purposes.

"Even if you did somehow fuck up your chance with the prettiest, most sought-after girl in school, you still could ask literally anyone to be your date? Why would you go the friend route for prom? It's not even a valid Plan Z," Shindong continues.

Siwon pouts. "If I can ask anyone, why can't I ask you?"

Shindong is unimpressed, and Siwon wavers in his conviction. He wasn't originally going to tell him, but…

This could be it. This could be his chance to confess to Shindong.

There's always the chance that Shindong would reject him, of course. He'd probably use Siwon's own technique against him, too; that would be pretty pathetic. Then he'd promise that this wouldn't affect their friendship, except it will because he'll be too awkward around Siwon; and slowly but surely, he'd pull away from the other until Siwon finds himself at university, alone and painfully aware of how close he is to his best friend who is completely out of reach—oh God, of course he can't confess to Shindong.

The aforementioned snaps his fingers in Siwon's face, and Siwon resolutely sticks to his plan. He throws a casual arm around Shindong's shoulder and forces them to keep walking. "I heard from the seniors before us that prom's more fun with friends anyway. Why go with some girl I don't know when I can go with you?"

"Siwon, I know you're lying to me."

"What?" Siwon's step falters.

"We're best friends, of course I know." Besides the fact that Siwon is unconsciously telegraphing, the other guys have found dates already. Siwon would have brought it up with all of them if he really wanted to go with friends.

Siwon bites his bottom lip, waiting for whatever fallout comes from his decision to open this can of worms.

Shindong sighs and slips his hand into Siwon's. He's learned touching helps. "It also means I know when to let it go. I'll go to prom with you, flower boy."

Siwon cannot contain himself. "HE SAID YES!" he yells into the sky as he runs around, hooting and hollering in unadulterated jubilation.

Shindong shakes his head with annoyed fondness as he continues walking home, expecting Siwon to catch up with him once he's tired out.

(And it turns out Siwon's seniors were right: prom is a lot more fun with friends.)

~~~

Their final hurrah takes place at the height of the summer. Between family vacations and Siwon moving in early for the summer basketball bootcamp the university is making him attend, it's the only time they'll have where all five are available before the fall comes and scatters them away.

Siwon's family lets them borrow one of their cars for the day, and they make the maknae drive them all the way to the beach as early as they could go (read: as early as Kangin could wake up). The day progresses with plenty of frisbee on the sand, frolicking in the sea, and flirting at the food shacks. The ever present feeling that this may be the last time all of them are gathered together in a long time is never lost on any of them, so they make the most of every moment, earning them unheeded glares from the lifeguard on duty.

Sunset finds them around a small bonfire near the surf. To no one's surprise, Kangin managed to lift some beers from his parents, so they drink as they talk and watch the embers float up into the gradually darkening sky. Gone with the sun is the high energy from the day, leaving behind a calmer and more contemplative atmosphere.

Heechul speaks up after a comfortable stretch of silence. "So, I already know what those two fogies are doing come fall," he says while pointing to where Siwon and Shindong sit on opposite sides of the fire, "but what about you guys?" he directs towards Kangin and Kibum. "All I know is that college really isn't the cards for you."

Kibum ducks his head shyly. "I, uh, made it past the first round of auditions at MS Entertainment."

"WHAT?!" "Like, the MS Entertainment!?" "Um, when was this?!" "You're thinking of joining the entertainment industry?"

The last question surprisingly comes from Siwon, and the other guys shoot him a look. Siwon lifts his hands up in defense. "It's just that, Kibum, I've never even heard you sing."

Kibum shakes his head. "No, I wanna be an actor. I realised it after I missed out on auditions for the school play. For just a few hours a day, it'll be nice to pretend I'm not me. I think I could be really good at it if I got the chance." The guys nod, knowing very well how Kibum struggles to be and express himself without pretense.

"I can't wait to see you on TV one day, man," Shindong says with a smile. "If you book a commercial, I am buying one thousand units of whatever you're selling. I don't care what it is. I'll end up with a thousand pairs of jeans if I must," Kangin jokes.

Kibum grins appreciatively and nods towards Kangin in turn. "What about you, then?"

Kangin puffs out his chest with pride. "I'm gonna start at a baseball development camp out in Gangwon. If I work hard and play my cards right, I might get recruited at one of the farm teams in the Futures League. It would be awesome if I got into one of the Seoul clubs, just so I could stay close to home."

Shindong smirks. "Okay, let's say you had to go to a southern team. Which one would you pick? 1, 2, 3…"

"The Dinos."

Heechul barks out a laugh. "If you think I'd go all the way to fuckin' Changwon just to see your sorry ass… Well, a bitch might."

Siwon quirks an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? What is the self-proclaimed biggest star in the universe, the Great Kim Heechul, doing instead?"

"Whatever it takes, man," Heechul says with a snort. "I'll get some part time jobs here, travel a little there… Just figure life out as it comes."

Kibum nods, well-acquainted with Heechul's myself-against-the-world attitude. Shindong, for his part, tries his best to offer a smile without looking pitying. He can't help but feel like Heechul is making his life harder for himself than it has to be—but now's not the time, and neither is he the person, for that conversation.

Kangin counters, "You might find yourself in Gyeongsang anyway then, hyung."

"Yeah; and if you were paying attention to me, you would have known I acknowledged that already, dumbass. Clean the wax outta your ears."

"How about I clean your clock instead!" Kangin yells as he launches at Heechul, and they start wrestling in the sand.

Shindong watches, reveling in the familiarity of the moment, and thinks about how close he was to not having any of this. "When I first moved here, I was pretty sure I was gonna spend the school year alone." The words come out of his mouth without prompting; but now that they're out, he finds he actually has something to say.

The boys turn their attention to him, Kangin and Heechul halting their bickering and sitting in place where they found themselves on the sand, and Shindong continues. "You know. I was the new kid, I was only able to afford the school because of my scholarship, I'm fat. If life were like a TV show, that wouldn't have been the most successful combination of factors." He quirks the corners of his lips up in a wane half-smile, then turns his gaze from the fire to the earnest faces of his friends. "But I met you guys, and nothing happened like I thought it would. Thanks for giving me a chance."

"Aish," Kangin says as he gets up and moves back towards the group. He stops behind Siwon and places a hand on his shoulder. "Don't thank us; thank this guy. He texted us one day all, 'I invited the new kid to sit with us at lunch tomorrow. Try not to be dicks.' If it weren't for him, I probably would have pushed you into the lockers once or twice just for fun."

"I probably would have helped," Kibum says with a shrug.

"I probably would have filmed it," Heechul pipes up.

Siwon waves their comments away with good humour. "You guys aren't that mean. Maybe you would have slapped the books out of his hands, but that's really it."

"Maybe we aren't mean now, but that's because you made us soft. Remember when I made Go-seonsaengnim cry in freshman year just with a glare?"

The conversation readily turns to their early high school memories, which Shindong would normally have loved hearing about, but his attention is elsewhere.

The dim light afforded by the fire casts impermanent shadows on Siwon's face that alternately highlight his boyish features and give him the appearance of a grown man. Shindong watches this and feels like he's seeing the present blurring into the future before his very eyes, and he finds it especially poignant that Siwon is the focal point of that illusion considering his role in changing Shindong's own life.

He's going to miss his friends and the gentle feeling of home he managed to cultivate for himself among them, but at least he won't have to miss Siwon.

~~~

College is harder than Shindong thought it would be, but it's easier in other ways too. He plays the first semester safe (he's not trying to get his scholarship revoked before the first year is over, thank you very much); but when the second semester comes around, he knows what liberties he can take with himself to have more fun without sacrificing his studies.

So when the volleyball team holds a party and invites the basketball team, Siwon offers his plus one to Shindong, and he double-checks that he doesn't have a shift at the campus mailroom the next day… well, he doesn't say no.

It isn't the first time he's gotten drunk (there's no way you could be in Siwon's friend group for a year without sustaining at least one hangover); but after a whole semester and winter of working and studying practically non-stop, the lack of inhibitions feels better than it ever had before.

Siwon is far more drunk, however. He is as clingy as ever, introducing Shindong to all of his basketball friends (and even some strangers) and constantly slurring "I miss youuu" into his ears.

He would hate it except he loves it. He misses the guy, too, after all.

"Shindong! Let's go see the stars!"

Siwon drags Shindong to the backyard of the house holding the party, no less noisy but definitely less crowded. He happily settles down onto one of the logs around an unlit bonfire and pats the space next to him in a clear invitation. The happy grin on his face is replaced with a pout when Shindong decides to sit on a different log just to tease him, but that doesn't stop him. Siwon just moves to Shindong's log and cuddles into his friend's side, enjoying the warm feeling spreading inside him. Is it the beer or the company? In any case, it's the most cosy he's felt since school started.

Siwon chances a glance upwards at Shindong. Not for the first time, he cannot help but notice how soft the other looks in the moonlight. His cheeks always look so fluffy and pinchable, but Siwon has never wanted to hold Shindong's face more than he does right now.

When he notices that Shindong notices that he is looking at him, Siwon is just drunk enough to hold his gaze.

Siwon is just drunk enough to move his face forward, as slow as the movement ends up being. Maybe that's because he's drunk, too. He's definitely not sober enough to stop.

Then he's drunk in a different way, because Shindong is the one to bring their lips together.

The moment is perfect, even more perfect than Siwon had ever dreamed of—and oh, did he dream. In the back of his mind, he thinks about going to church three times a week from now on to thank God for this blessing.

He wants to deepen the kiss, he wants to lean closer, he wants to touch—but just as he thinks about doing any of that, Shindong pulls away with a giggle. Siwon laughs too, giddy and uninhibited as he is. He reaches for Shindong's hand and wonders how long the other has felt the same way as he did.

The hand for which Siwon had been reaching escapes to throw a bro-y, friendly punch into Siwon's shoulder. Siwon is mildly confused, but nothing can wipe the smile from his face now. He just kissed Shindong! Is right now too soon to be calling each other boyfriends?

"That wasn't so bad, right?" Shindong says as he looks back up at the sky.

Uh, right. Understatement of the century. That was amazing, stupendous, earth-shattering, future-defining—

Shindong keeps talking. "Not exactly how I thought that was gonna happen, but there's no planning for these sorts of things anyway. What's college for if not experimenting and cutting loose?"

Siwon's lovestruck internal monologue stutters to a stop. "What?"

"Don't get me wrong, you're the prettiest guy I know—full stop—but if kissing you doesn't make me feel something, then I definitely must be straight." Shindong starts cackling then, like he said the funniest joke in the world.

Siwon's hearing fails him, but all he can think about now is how badly he wants to rewind time.

He wants to go back to before he knew what Shindong's lips felt like.

He wants to go back to before he had the first drink.

He wants to go back to before he even met Shindong.

"I gotta go," he manages to say, crushed as he is under the weight of the guilt he felt when that last thought traitorously passed through his head.

Shindong laughs harder when he watches Siwon stumble away. Poor guy must be so drunk. He might not even make it to the bathroom in time.

~~~

Avoiding Shindong isn't as hard as one would think. They're different majors. They live in different residence halls. He has the basketball team too, and Shindong was never the kind of person that keeps up with all his friends' activities anyway. A little "Sorry, I'm meeting someone for a project" here, a little "Sorry, Coach is slamming us with extra practise" there, and a whole semester passes by without spending extended time with his best friend and—he's not afraid to say it now—the love of his young life.

And that's exactly why he needs to avoid Shindong. He can't face Shindong casually right now—not when the only thing that will be occupying his mind is the look on Shindong's face immediately before, not when his palms itch to touch the other's cheeks so he can fold that feeling into his memory. He can't know what it's like to kiss Shindong and not be able to kiss him again.

So he's depressed, he's lonely, and he's irritable—exactly the kind of mindset you want to be in when you meet someone new.

"Hi, I don't think we really talked before," the lanky kid says as he stands up straight from where he was leaning beside the open door to Siwon's room. "I'm Hyukjae, but my friends call me Eunhyuk. I live down the hall." He points over his shoulder with his thumb as if Siwon didn't know which hall he was referring to, and the gesture immediately gets on his nerves.

Siwon glares at him, and the guy—Hyukjae; they're not friends—smiles a wide, gummy grin. "Sorry to bother you like this, but I noticed you were taking your stuff to your car. Are you packing your things into storage for the summer?" Siwon nods mutely, unsure where the other is going with this and approximately three seconds away from blowing him off.

"Listen, I have, like," he pauses to rummage around in his pockets and count the pieces of paper he pulls out, "10000 won on me right now. If I give you that and pay for gas and—I don't know—buy you dinner afterwards, would you help me move mine into storage too?"

Siwon's glare turns incredulous, which makes Hyukjae facepalm. "Oh! And of course I would help you move your stuff. That's a given. Although… you certainly don't look like you need the help."

At this last statement, Eunhyuk gives him a quick once over, and Siwon bristles. This whole situation is really grating on him. Why did this guy look at him like that? Why does it bother him that he did? Why is he supremely against this mildly reasonable request?

(Well, he knows why, and that's only adding to his frustration.)

Hyukjae senses how close Siwon is to turning tail, so he resorts to drastic measures. "Bro, help me out," he begs as he clasps his hands and falls to his knees. "I live all the way out in Ilsan, and I don't have a car. I would be, like, super indebted to you!"

"Ilsan isn't that far away," Siwon points out unimpressedly.

"Indebted!"

He stares at the boy's pout, the hands grasping cumbled bills of won, and the mullet-esque hair and thinks he might actually be more pathetic than even Siwon feels these days.

"... Alright."

Siwon ignores the other's resulting cheers as he returns to his task. He figures that the sooner he gets this over with, the faster he can go back home for the summer.

~~~

Like Siwon said, Ilsan isn't that far away.

As in, he and Hyukjae didn't have the worst time together while moving their stuff, Hyukjae decided they are now friends, and Hyukjae commutes into Seoul every other weekend to pester Siwon into hanging out with him.

In the beginning, he had no problems brushing the other off. Hyukjae isn't bad people necessarily, but he's a brat.

Case in point: The first time he actually agreed to hang out, Hyukjae forgot his wallet and Siwon begrudgingly paid for their excursions that day. Hyukjae hasn't brought his wallet with him since.

After that first time, however, it became harder and harder to turn Hyukjae down. He's depressed, he's lonely, he's irritable—but somehow none of that has pushed Hyukjae away yet. Against his better judgement, Siwon cannot help but be drawn to the individual who is experiencing the worst Siwon has to offer and chooses to spend time with him anyway. It's… nice.

The summer proceeds like that: Eunhyuk having a new hare-brained adventure haphazardly planned for the day, Siwon's wallet finding itself thousands of won lighter each time, and Siwon slowly getting out of his funk and coming back to himself.

Even as the summer draws to a close and their event options dwindle down, Eunhyuk manages to find something for them to do. A couple of weeks before they're set to move back in for the beginning of the next school year, Eunhyuk takes Siwon to a trendy new pop-up cafe in Itaewon.

Siwon likes it. It's lively but not too loud, the food isn't half bad, and the interior is fresh-looking without being overly cute.

He doesn't say any of this though, mostly because Eunhyuk isn't really saying anything either.

It's a testament to how much he feels like his old self again that he strongly considers asking the other what's wrong. Old Siwon wouldn't have hesitated. New Siwon rationalises if something is really bothering the other, Eunhyuk would say something himself.

He's halfway through his cheesecake when Eunhyuk lets his fork clatter to his plate. "Siwon, there's never gonna be a good time or a good way to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. I like you."

Well, of course Eunhyuk likes him. He basically spent the whole summer with Siwon. The surprising part here is that Siwon means it when he says, "I like you, too."

Eunhyuk's eyes do something funny, then he shakes his head. "No, like—" He stops, takes a deep breath, and on the exhale he says, "Wanna go on a date with me?"

"... Oh."

And then Siwon's senses shift. His heart beat speeds up just a fraction more than it had been before Eunhyuk began talking, but he can't hear the crowd of the cafe anymore. Everything behind Eunhyuk's determined, hopeful face blurs into a mess of colours and light. When he swallows, he still has the aftertaste of the strawberry syrup from the cheesecake on his tongue.

"Um, okay," is all he says, but he can feel his lips tug upward in a small grin without his direction.

Siwon is greeted with a gummy smile, familiar yet new, and he cannot help but focus in on the revealed shade of pink.

~~~

Honestly, he forgets about Siwon.

There's only so many times he can get blown off before he stops trying to reach out in the first place, you know? Then midterms came around, then it was finals season, then he was too wrapped up in trying to find an on-campus job for the summer so that he wouldn't have to waste money and time moving out of his residence hall… Before he knows it, it's been a year since he and the guys had their beach day, and he uncomfortably realises he can't remember the last time he spoke to Siwon. Was it at that party in the beginning of last semester? That can't be right.

And yet, for a reason he cannot explain, he doesn't immediately reach out to Siwon first.

He starts off with Kangin, who hasn't made it to a team yet but has met with several scouts already and believes it's just a matter of time. Heechul answers him in English, of all things, and he has to use a translation app to find out that Heechul spent seven months in Australia as a freelance Hangul-speaking museum guide before coming back to South Korea to work at a brewery out in Jeju-do. When he texts Kibum asking if Kangin had made good on his promise to buy 100 units of whatever his latest commercial was selling, Kibum simply says, "lol."

Finally, the only one left is Siwon. Shindong is weirdly anxious to talk to him again, but he firmly pushes that aside.

He tries a text at first; but after two days with no response, he ups the ante.

"Hello?"

"Siwon-ah!" he cheers into the receiver. It had been so long since he heard Siwon's voice, and just the sound of it lifts his mood.

"Shindong-hyung, you called me." Siwon's voice sounds incredulous, and it makes him laugh. They're not people for phone calls, admittedly. It wasn't necessary back when they spent almost all their waking moments together.

"Hey, if you had just texted me back, I wouldn't have had to resort to such drastic measures."

Silence, then chuckles on the other end of the line. "Yeah, that one's on me, isn't it? I did that thing where I read it but only replied to it in my head."

Shindong waits for more, but Siwon doesn't continue from there. "So, um, what's been up with you lately?" he asks stiltedly. He frowns; he and Siwon don't do small talk. He tries again, "Did I mention I'm on campus for the summer? I got a job as the front desk guy at the Alumni Office. It has its boring moments, but at least I didn't have to move out of the dorms. I know some of the guys on my floor even rented a storage unit so that they wouldn't have to move back and forth with their stuff, which is just… so far beyond my budget right now, haha."

Siwon makes a funny noise like he choked on his own spit. "Siwon?!" Shindong calls concernedly into the line.

"It's fine, hyung," Siwon croaks out. "Listen, you kinda caught me at a bad time. I'd love to talk more, but I gotta go."

"Oh, sure," Shindong says in surprise. "See you when the school year starts up again, yeah?"

He holds onto the phone tightly. He doesn't know what he's wanting to hear exactly, but he waits in anticipation for Siwon's response anyway.

"Yeah, of course. See you later, Shindong."

The line clicks silent, and Shindong doesn't let himself read into it. Like Siwon said, it was just a bad time.

~~~

The new school year isn't terribly different from the previous one, but Siwon likes what it brings. He's still balancing the basketball team and classes, but he has Eunhyuk now. Eunhyuk introduces him to his best friend Donghae, and college starts feeling less like something happening to him and more like something he's living.

Early into the new semester finds the three of them grabbing lunch on campus, Siwon and Eunhyuk playing footsie under the table and ignoring Donghae's gags in the background. They're not really talking about anything important, so the conversation is easily derailed by the sound of someone hollering from across the student union.

"Siwon! Ya, Siwon!"

Siwon temporarily freezes. He didn't expect to hear that voice again so soon. He can feel his face do something funny as his body and his mind fight for control over what to do. He wants to play it cool; he wants to ignore the voice; but more than anything, he wants to see Shindong again. He has ever since the summer.

He listens to that part and turns around in his seat to wave. The sight of Shindong's eyes scrunched up in happy half-moons behind his thick-rimmed glasses makes his heart ache even as his body relaxes from tension he didn't know he was carrying. He misses Shindong.

"Siwon, you brat! I didn't hear from you much this summer, and I barely saw you last semester!" Shindong laughs jovially before turning to the other two at the table, and Siwon is surprised to remember they were there. "Hey, I'm Donghee, but you've probably heard this guy call me Shindong. Mind if I join you?"

Siwon eagerly motions for Shindong to grab a chair, and Donghae says, "Hey, Donghee. I'm Donghae." as if it were the most clever observation in the world.

Siwon eyes Shindong's politely amused grin and cannot help but laugh. God, he forgot how funny Shindong could be even when he isn't trying. The other brings a seat over to their table and chats pleasantly with Donghae, and Siwon takes the moment to take in the changes in his best friend.

His face is slightly less pudgy, but the puffy round cheeks Siwon loves so much are fully on display. He has a tiny ponytail sticking straight up from the crown of his fluffy hair, and it reminds Siwon of elementary schoolers on picture day in a way that warms his heart. He notices the suspenders and khakis combination that the other is wearing and remembers how hard it was for Shindong to get used to not having to wear a uniform to school anymore. It seems he finally settled on something that worked for him, as nerdy as it ended up looking. (Somehow, that is endearing, too.)

"Siwon, what's your weekend look like? We should do something, just you and me. Grab some newspapers, eat gyoza, catch up. You in?"

Siwon would like nothing more and almost automatically agrees. Luckily, before he could land himself in hot water with his excitement, his brain supplies that he and Eunhyuk were supposed to picnic in the park this weekend. He flicks his eyes over to his boyfriend, asking without words if he could go.

Eunhyuk nods, so Siwon says yes, and it feels like a piece of him that was asleep finally wakes up.

~~~

They're best friends again in no time.

Sure, there were some awkward instances when Shindong or Siwon would refer to memories that the other wasn't there for in a stilted reminder that there is time lost between them, but they easily catch each other up and fall back into old habits. Their lives intertwine in the seamless way they did back in high school, and Siwon's heart feels so full.

He can't help but ignore the red flags as a result. The more active he and Shindong are in each other's lives, the more he is aware of the fact that Shindong does not know the full extent of his relationship with Eunhyuk; and he admits he has made small—inconsequentially, really—concessions to keep it that way.

He's starting to suspect that Eunhyuk knows something is up, too. It brings him a little bit of guilt, but it's not like he's completely avoiding his boyfriend (been there, done that). Besides, the other hasn't said anything. He even invites Siwon over one weekend, so Siwon figures he probably hasn't messed up too badly yet.

When cuddling on the bed with legs intertwined while watching a movie turns into roaming fingertips and forgotten laptops droning on in the background, Siwon feels content like never before.

"Why does it feel like it's been forever since I kissed you?" he murmurs into Eunhyuk's hair afterwards, planting a kiss right there and embracing his boyfriend closer to his chest. He'd love to fall asleep like this…

But then Eunhyuk gently releases himself from Siwon's hold and sits upright in bed. "I have a feeling it has to do with how Donghee is hanging out with us a lot now," he says as he pulls his clothes back on.

Siwon's disappointment clears when his mind, unbidden, conjures up the memory of Shindong's reaction when he caught Heechul rounding second base with his date when they all went to the movies together one time. "Yeah, Shindong isn't big on PDA," he says as he follows Eunhyuk's lead.

"Sure, but I'm your boyfriend," Eunhyuk emphasises. "Hand-holding, kissing… stuff like that is pretty typical for most couples. He knows what he would be getting into when he hangs out with us, and he still shows up. Doesn't seem to me like it would really bother him."

Siwon's movement falters. So Eunhyuk has noticed. "I guess I'm just trying to be a little courteous," he hurries to say, the not-quite-a-lie sitting heavy on his tongue. "He doesn't know you yet, and I don't want to give my best friend any reason to dislike my boyfriend."

Siwon puts on his most convincing, disarming grin, and it somehow makes things worse. "You know, it's funny," Eunhyuk begins with light tone absolutely lacking in amusement, "Donghee's supposedly your best friend, but I haven't even heard of him before this semester. It's clear he hasn't heard of me either. Wanna explain why?"

Siwon frowns at the accusation. "He is my best friend." He may not have acted like it for a while there, but that fact will never change. It's just… "We weren't really, ah, talking much at around the time you and I met." He wants to stop there, but Eunhyuk raises an expectant eyebrow. "Um, remember that time in the student union? That was, sorta, the first time we had spoken in eight months."

The admission completely melts all of Eunhyuk's cold and angry tension, and the sight makes him even more antsy for some reason. Siwon is acutely aware that he didn't answer the entirety of his boyfriend's question, but the other is already moving on.

"You get why I'm bothered, right?" Eunhyuk asks as he sits back on the bed, and yes, Siwon does finally start to get how bothered the other really is. He's never seen Eunhyuk so despondent before. His entire being radiates tired sadness, and Siwon realises with a pang that he did that to him."This guy that I've never met before just shows up one day, and my boyfriend starts acting completely different around him!" Eunhyuk's pout has a chilling effect on Siwon without the hint of flirtation to which he was so accustomed, and Siwon has him wrapped up in a side-hug as if on autopilot. Eunhyuk happily cuddles into the embrace and lays his head on Siwon's shoulder, but Siwon barely notices, too consumed by the weight spreading all over his body.

He's fucked up.

He hasn't been going about this correctly at all, and it's hurting his boyfriend, and that hurts him, and he's fucked up.

He stands abruptly. "I gotta go."

"What?"

Siwon can barely hear the shocked hurt in his boyfriend's voice, he's so preoccupied with the immense and all-consuming guilt that weighs down his limbs. He can't get out of the apartment fast enough. He needs space; he needs more room so that terrible feeling that is expanding within him has somewhere else to go.

"Siwon, where are you going?!" Eunhyuk hurries after him and manages to intercept Siwon before he could open the door. If he were more himself, he'd chuckle at how his boyfriend, 9 centimetres shorter and 5 kilograms lighter, is trying to bodily prevent him from leaving; but in his state, even a feather could knock Siwon over.

"There's something you're not telling me, and I'm not letting you leave the apartment until you do. What is going on between you and Donghee?" he demands.

"Nothing!" Siwon despairs, and it's the truth.

"Why are you lying to me!"

"I've never lied to you," and that is also the truth.

"But you are keeping something from me." There's nothing Siwon can say to that, so he fidgets where he stands. Eunhyuk laughs mirthlessly. "And it's related to Donghee, too, isn't it? How long did you think you could go without telling me, huh? Did you think I wouldn't notice?!"

Siwon is still in flight mode, his brain is still foggy, so he latches onto the only coherent thought he has just so that he can respond to Eunhyuk. "Why don't you call him Shindong?"

Eunhyuk seizes in incredulous frustration. "Can you focus!? That is so beyond the point!"

Siwon closes his eyes and rubs his hands down his face in resigned acknowledgement. Yes, that was the wrong thing to say. "Hyuk, I'm sorry but… I really, really have to go. I need some time; I need to think. You deserve better than the first thought that pops into my head, but I can't give you that right here, right now."

Eunhyuk's shiny eyes are devastating even under the fluorescent glare of his apartment lights, and Siwon's heart urges him to do something. He steps forward, arms outstretched, but Eunhyuk steps out of his reach. "No, please," he says simply. He hastily wipes away the tears that pool at the rim of his eyes and looks anywhere but at Siwon. "When you touch me, I feel better even when I don't want to."

Siwon lets his arms fall back to his side. The need to leave wars with his need to comfort, so he does nothing.

Eunhyuk sniffles once, twice, then says, "Whenever something happens to me—big or small, bad or good—you've become the first person I wanna tell it to. Nothing feels real until I've told you about it." He hugs himself and turns away. "But you don't even want to talk to me."

Eunhyuk walks back to his room and lightly closes the door behind him, a silent cue for Siwon to leave. When he finally does several moments later, the image of Eunhyuk rejecting his touch replays in his mind, and his heart rebels with every step.

~~~

With time and distance, Siwon realises a lot of things about himself.

He's always wanted his first real relationship to be with someone he shared a lot with, someone he didn't have to force himself to spend time with or get to know, someone who made it all easy yet made the difficult parts worth it. He admits to himself that he always wanted his first real relationship to be with Shindong, but that evidently wasn't possible. Just when he had given up on that dream (and on himself), he found all of it and more in Eunhyuk, who literally showed up unannounced, bribed his way into Siwon's life, and pestered Siwon into letting him stay. Without knowing any of the details and without asking any questions, Eunhyuk managed to shake Siwon out of the depressive episode he was in simply by being himself. The warm excitement that coloured their days together were noted but taken for granted, and the cold emptiness that replaces it in the aftermath of their fight is frighteningly familiar. He regrets that it took the undeniable pain that can only come from heartbreak for him to realise that he had fallen in love with Eunhyuk, but at least he knows now.

He also now knows he's a coward.

He was a coward back in senior year when he couldn't tell Shindong why he asked the other to prom, he was a coward last semester when he cut Shindong out of his life for accidentally breaking his heart, and he's a coward now.

With Shindong is back in his life, Siwon thought he could somehow keep both his past love and his current love in the exact ways he wanted them without having to have any uncomfortable conversations, that the two of them would get along fabulously, and that Siwon's happiness would simply fall into place.

He also now knows he's an idiot.

Siwon has always prided himself on being a man of action. He had enough time and distance to reflect, recalibrate, and reload, so it is time for him to gather his courage and react.

He texts Shindong to do homework together at his place then immediately goes out to buy some food just to have something to do with the nervous energy that buzzes within him. He even buys snacks that he knows only Shindong likes because he needs every advantage he can get. He returns with no less pent-up energy than with which he started, so he sets to cleaning the whole apartment. He even attempts to do his homework to distract himself before he remembers homework is the ruse he told Shindong to lure the other over.

His nervous energy is apparent the second Shindong steps foot in the apartment. "Okay…" Shindong drags out as he plops his stuff onto the kitchen table that doubles as Siwon's desk. "Is there a major exam you're freaking out about or something? I can't promise I know anything, but I can promise to help you study."

Siwon lets a ghost of a smile cross his face, fondly remembering their intense study sessions back in high school that none of their friends were brave enough to join more than once. The memory passes, and he sighs. "No, it's not about class."

Shindong gestures. "Well? Out with it then. You know I'm just gonna leave if you're not gonna focus, and I really don't want to leave when there's an unopened pack of honey apple twists right there."

Honey apple twists are also Eunhyuk's favourite, so Siwon starts there.

"Eunhyuk is a man of questionable taste," Shindong pontificates as he munches on the newly opened snack. "He loves honey apple twists but hates seafood. He's best friends with Donghae but spends all his free time with you. What an enigma."

Siwon tries to chuckle, but it doesn't work. He takes a deep breath instead. He can't think of anything else to say except: "I think he's in love with me."

Shindong stops chewing. "What?"

"I think Eunhyuk and I spend a lot of time together because he's in love with me."

Shindong frowns, brows furrowed and looking genuinely upset. It takes Siwon aback for long enough that he gets distracted. "What?" he parrots.

"Dude, that's fucked up."

"What are you talking ab—"

"You can't just string him along like that! What is he gonna do when he finds out you don't like guys? Bro, if Heechul were here right now—actually, I'm just gonna call him because maybe you need to hear why that's fucked up from someone who gets it."

And there it was.

Every unspoken fear he'd ever had, every answer to his heartbreak, every problem he never solved.

He reaches out with his head down and gently stops Shindong's hand, halfway to dialling their high school friend whom Siwon hasn't spoken to since graduation. "I love him, in any case," he says to the ground.

Shindong lets his hand hold his phone in midair. "What?"

Siwon takes a breath, counts to three, and lifts his head to look Shindong in the eyes. "Shindong, Eunhyuk and I are dating. He's my boyfriend. He has been since the summer."

Shindong says nothing.

"I'm gay," Siwon says at last, so easily, because he knows that's not going to be the hardest confession of the night.

As soon as he says it, he can see the way so much clicks into place in Shindong's astute, masterful, beautiful mind.

"Is that why I haven't seen you since last semester," Shindong says instead of asks, "because you realised after our kiss and didn't want to tell me."

But not even Shindong can draw the correct conclusion when he isn't provided with every relevant fact. If he could, they would have cleared the air so long ago.

"No," Siwon says as he draws away, clasping his hands tight on his lap and wishing he could have told Eunhyuk he was gonna do this. He'd have said something to cheer Siwon up, and Siwon would remember that now, and it could give him courage. The only thing he has right now is the truth.

"No, that was because I was in love with you, and I realised you'd never love me back, and I needed time."

The silence that stretches out between them is awkward like no silence has ever been, even in the first few times they hung out again after reconnecting.

"For how long?" Shindong finally says.

Siwon tries to remember but finds he can't. It must have been one of those things that wasn't tied to any specific event, but a slow build until the whole of the structure was unmistakable. "Since the beginning, basically," he eventually settles on. "Not since the first day we met, no, but very, very close to it. I barely remember a time when I didn't know you and wasn't already in love with you."

"I see."

He finally looks at Shindong, who notices and meets his gaze for a moment before looking down at the table. In that one moment, Siwon could tell from Shindong's eyes that he can see now. He can tell the way Shindong is re-remembering every interaction they've ever had in a new light, and he simply waits. He has no more cards left to play.

Finally, Shindong looks back at him and says, "You should have told me. We should have talked about it. I could have been there for you."

Siwon smiles bittersweetly and looks away. "But not in the way I wanted you to be, and that's why I never said anything. No doubt, you would have absolutely been there. You would have been your funny, action-oriented, perfect self, within arms' reach but not mine for me to hold, and it would have broken me. Broken me worse than if you had dropped me as a friend completely."

Shindong is taken aback by the strength of Siwon's words, the seriousness with which he said them. "You must have been really in love with me."

Siwon turns the bittersweet smile to him then, tears shining in his eyes, and says, "So much. I loved you so much."

Shindong's heart breaks for his friend, his best friend, who suffered all alone and all on his account. He fiercely tugs Siwon into a hug and lets Siwon cry out every tear, every emotion, every everything from the last two years, all while murmuring "I'm sorry; I'm so, so sorry" into his friend's shoulder.

"For what it's worth, I loved you, too. I still do," he says when Siwon's tears subside into sniffles, but the younger is still clinging onto him. Shindong won't let go until he does.

"I know. I know you did, do. Me too," Siwon hiccups out.

With one last squeeze, he pulls away to give Shindong a watery but bright-eyed smile, and Shindong gives him one right back. The clock in the kitchen tells him they were only like that for seven minutes, but in that time it feels like they just relived every day of their entire friendship, finally on the same page.

"I'm in the mood for pizza," he says abruptly, reaching for his phone forgotten on the table. "Do you still like pineapples with yours?"

Siwon chuckles while wiping away some latent tears. "Please, yes. Eunhyuk won't let me eat that around him because 'it's gross American food,'" he says with air quotes.

"Maybe Eunhyuk is a man of taste after all," Shindong says as he waits for the phone to ring. He catches Siwon's eye just to sneer, "What's he doing dating you?"

Siwon laughs, a whole-belly laugh, and gets a second wind when Shindong calmly rattles off Siwon's own credit card number for the payment information.

~~~

It's been almost two weeks since Eunhyuk last spoke to Siwon, the memory of his boyfriend's face as he begged for time haunting his undistracted moments. He's busied himself with dance practice, homework, and even once tried accompanying Donghae to the gym just to get his mind off of how much more lonely he feels. It was pretty bad before when Eunhyuk was convincing himself that the way his boyfriend was pulling away was all in his head, but with confirmation from Siwon himself, it just got so much worse.

Donghee—He's not about to start calling him by that ridiculous nickname. The only thing Donghee is good at, as far as he's concerned, is ruining his mood—first came into the picture like spilled paint across a canvas: completely and all at once where before there was none. He showed up at group hangouts and even tagged along to his and Siwon's casual day dates, sometimes at Siwon's own behest!

Siwon also didn't touch Eunhyuk as much when Donghee was around, which is saying something because Siwon is literally the clingiest man in all of South Korea. To have such a gentle, romantic, constant aspect of his relationship almost completely stop without explanation… Of course Eunhyuk was lonely. The only thing that stopped him from saying something sooner was how undeniably happy Siwon was with Donghee back in his life, and Eunhyuk didn't want to ruin that for him.

But now it seems like their whole relationship is ruined instead, and the idea that this is how it all ends makes him even more miserable.

It is during one of these pessimistic slumps that he gets a text from Siwon that he, Donghae, and Donghee are working on the quad together. Siwon signs it with "I miss you 😘," and Eunhyuk's heart clenches. He misses Siwon too, but he's not really in the mood to watch him and Donghee together.

He realises he's not really in the mood to be alone right now either. He considers texting Donghae to fake some emergency so that he could be with Eunhyuk, but Donghae texts him first. "don't bail i promise."

The fact that Donghae, the only one who happens to know the full extent of Eunhyuk's insecurities and worries about the situation, is the one saying that piques his interest. If Donghae thinks it'll be safe for him, Eunhyuk will trust that.

He sees them before they see him, and it plays out slowly like a movie. They're all sitting in a quasi-circle on the grass in the middle of a laugh. The scene is so picturesque, and the jealous pang in his chest rings loud and true.

He almost turns on his heel right then and there, but Siwon notices him before he can.

Siwon's smile is bright and free, and he makes grabby hands for Eunhyuk like he hasn't in a while. Eunhyuk's feet carry him forward without him telling them to, and he has a feeling that was his heart leading. Despite it all, next to Siwon is where he wants to be.

He settles into the space by Siwon with a little unease, which dissipates completely when Siwon shifts them so that Eunhyuk is between his open legs and Siwon is giving him a cosy backhug. As much as he wants nothing else, Eunhyuk fights the urge to lean in, acutely aware of Donghee's presence.

"Siwon-ah." Eunhyuk squirms. "I'm 'Siwon-ah' now, not 'Siwonnie?'" He can hear Siwon's pout even as the other squeezes Eunhyuk to himself tighter. He puts a little more effort into escaping Siwon's embrace, but Siwon simply uses his legs to lock him in.

Eunhyuk laughs; he can't help it. He wiggles as frantically as possible—not to actually get out of Siwon's hold, just to give him a hard time trying to hold on—and Siwon playfully bites his ear to get him to stop. Eunhyuk lets out a mock gasp, prepared to do something drastic, when all of a sudden they both tumble onto the grass.

Eunhyuk looks up to see Donghee calmly returning to his spot, acting like he did nothing wrong and ignoring how Donghae assaults his back with amusement. "I've wanted to do that for forever!" Donghae cackles.

In embarrassment, he begins to sit up, but Siwon doesn't let him, instead pulling Eunhyuk back down and on top of him. He looks for the reason why in Siwon's eyes, and Siwon just gives him a small smile before leaning up to brush his lips against Eunhyuk's. It was a soft little thing, but it calms him down nevertheless.

He folds his hands on Siwon's chest and rests his head on top of them, facing the side where the other two weren't sitting. "I thought Shindong isn't big on PDA," he repeats, keeping his voice neutral but loud enough for Siwon to hear. In this position, he can hear Siwon's heartbeat as he plays with the collar of Siwon's shirt. He doesn't know what to make of its calm and strong cadence when he knows the other can feel his own heart rate spike in nervousness.

"You're my boyfriend, though," Siwon maintains, echoing their conversation from a week before with the roles noticeably reversed.

Eunhyuk jerks his head up to face the other. He doesn't think Siwon has called him his boyfriend in front of Donghee yet before.

Siwon must see something in his face because he reaches up to hold one of the hands on his chest and squeezes twice. I'm sorry about that, it says. We'll talk about everything later. Eunhyuk nods, looking at Siwon with so much trust in his eyes that Siwon smiles the same wide, happy grin that made Eunhyuk fall for him in the first place.

With a louder voice, Siwon says, "Besides, Shindong's a big guy. He'll find it within him to get over it."

"YA! DID YOU JUST MAKE A FAT JOKE ABOUT ME?!"

Siwon winks at Eunhyuk before sitting them upright and into a more casual cuddle, Eunhyuk against Siwon's side and Siwon's arm across Eunhyuk's shoulder.

Eunhyuk ignores the ensuing banter between Siwon, Shindong, and Donghae, instead looking up to observe his boyfriend. Siwon's different again, but in a good way, he decides. For the first time since they met, Siwon looks completely unburdened, completely secure.

And yet he's still here, holding Eunhyuk to him like he used to, which means whatever Siwon let go of, it wasn't him.

Eunhyuk knows they still have to talk, that there’s a lot of explaining Siwon has to do and a lot of confused pain he has to work through, but he also knows there's time for that now. Siwon isn't going anywhere; and neither is he, for that matter.

He looks over at the other two across the way and muses that Shindong isn't going anywhere either, but he finds that's not such a problem anymore.

(Siwon's laugh breaks his concentration, and he notices that's different, too—better than before, even.)

In fact, he might even welcome it.

~~~

#super junior #super junior fanfiction #shinwon #sihyuk #siwon #shindong #eunhyuk #choi siwon #shin donghee #lee hyukjae #jaso*

[purplesurveys]

1093

survey by pinkchocolate

Hi there! This list is based on some things I've done recently. Let's say, within the last few days. Have you done any of these things in the last few days?

Worn make-up? I never wear makeup. I’ve never felt the need to.

Worn perfume? Sure. I went out last Sunday to bring Cooper to the vet and to take myself out to a coffee shop for a few hours, so I wanted to make sure I smelled decent.

Taken selfies? I think I may have, but I’m sure I deleted them almost immediately.

Shared some photos on social media? Yes, I posted a couple photos of Cooper because he was being super smiley the other day. I also shared a photo of my laptop, which was playing Friends, beside my Friends mug the other night.

Woken up to the sound of your phone vibrating? Technically. But this usually happens when I’m trying to fall asleep in the evening, i.e. someone sending a late-night message, and not in the morning.

Heard the rain outside your window? Yes. It’s literally happening right now haha it just started raining.

Added sugar to a mug of tea/coffee? No. I use 3-in-1 coffee packets, which are already pre-mixed and all I have to do is add hot water. I’m terrible with measurements and starting from scratch and I doubt I’ll ever get the hang of manually combining coffee + sugar + milk + creamer + whatever else goes into coffee haha.

Refilled your drinks bottle? I don’t use a tumbler. I’m at home nearly every day of the week so I always have access to our glasses.

Felt emotionally involved while reading a book? This has happened before for sure, but not in the last few days.

Chuckled/laughed while reading a book? Uhhh I guess. My employer recently lent me this book on PR that they thought would help me gain a richer appreciation of the industry and I guess I did lightly chuckle at a few humorous anecdotes in it.

Spilled a drink? I don’t think so.

Eaten something that was sprinkled with sugar? Nope. I’ve eaten sweets here and there but nothing sprinkled with sugar.

Googled the definition of a word? At least a few times a day.

Read a Wikipedia article? Yes, I love Wikipedia. The last entry I read was a list on notable last words.

Laughed at a video you watched online? So many times. The main reason I watch videos is to be entertained and to laugh, to be honest; so it’s nice that a lot of creators make great, funny content.

Craved a savoury snack of some description? I’ve been craving gourmet donuts for weeks now. Nothing sweet; I’m looking for those with creative, out-of-the-box flavors.

Cursed after dropping an item on the floor? Probably.

Been amused by your pet's behaviour? I am always amused at their behavior. Kimi’s approaching 13 years but he still makes me laugh every single day.

Recognized an actor in a TV show, from another show you'd seen? I’ve only been watching Friends, soooo nothing to compare it to.

Seen an actor on TV that you thought attractive? Courteney Cox, always.

Typed something in a word processor? I had to look this up lol, but I guess I have if Google Docs counts as one? I use it a lot for work.

Been asked a question that you found awkward or difficult to answer? Sure. My grandma called up when I was stuck in a particularly tough period of my shift and she was asking how it’s been. I didn’t want to worry her or overshare, so I paused for a bit and just said “it’s going great!”

Smelled a pleasant food aroma? Yeah, my dad cooks up some great stuff al the time.

Dipped your food in ketchup, mayonnaise or another sauce? Tartar sauce.

Forgotten a hot beverage, then found it had gone cold? I don’t make hot beverages, so.

--

survey by kellyburnsred

What music video do you wish you were in? I don’t watch music videos a lot, mostly because they’re usually not at all related to the song it corresponds to and I never saw the point. Buttt idk, the one I had some of the most fun watching was One Direction’s Best Song Ever because it was hilarious. It’d be cool to fuck around with the characters there.

Who makes you laugh the most? I’d say it’s either Andi or Hans. JM and Kate are good runners-up.

You only can eat three things the rest of your life, what do choose? That would make me sick of those foods so fast...but if it were a legit life-and-death situation, I would go with surf and turf (so that I at least have a bit of variety), rice (because I can’t live without rice), and macarons (for something sweet).

What's one thing you wish you had in your life right now? Macarons. I recently liked a slew of local macaron shops on Facebook and even though I know it’s my fault, I hateeee that my feed is filled with macarons now haha.

If you had to give up your style, what other style would you choose? I’m not really sure. I can think of more styles I’m not willing to adopt, than those that can be my back-up.

What's your favorite ice cream topping? Hot fudge.

What is the bare minimum of sleep you could function on? I guess 3 or 4, but that’s the barest of the bare minimum. I would still be cranky if I was only able to sleep for that few hours.

When you drive, do you generally speed? Yeah, if I can. You’re always stuck in traffic in Manila so if you have the chance to press harder on the gas, you typically wouldn’t want to miss out on it.

Are you an animal lover? Yes, except for pests and insects I don’t like, like cockroaches.

What's the dumbest thing you've done because someone dared you? I once ate a piece of siomai that already fell to the ground; when I ate it I felt a lot of tiny pebbles and other debris so I promptly spat it out in a nearby bin.

What is the most disgusting trait that you have? Idk...typical disgusting habits make me wince myself. The worst thing I can think of is that I tend to keep my nails super long just out of neglect; and I usually only clip them once dirt starts getting trapped under the nails, or once it starts to become hard to type.

What was the last thing you talked to your friends about? Angela had made this really cute, DIY foldable collage for Hans for his birthday yesterday and I just checked in on her earlier to ask if he loved it.

What part of your day do you look forward to the most? The moment my shift ends.

What are your favorite song lyrics? This week, it’s probably “It isn’t the same, but it is enough.” It’s oddly calming no matter how sad the actual context is.

Who are your closest friends? Angela and Andi.

What profession do you admire the most? All are worthy of admiration. I don’t really have a ~favorite~

Do you believe in karma? Not strictly in the spiritual sense; but it can be comforting to think that the people who have hurt me will have their ass handed back to them someday.

What do you think is the funniest show on TV? Ooh, I don’t watch a lot of TV anymore...I have a sitcom in mind but it ended 17 years ago and it’s still pretty polarizing to this day, lol.

Are you an organ donor? No.

Did you have imaginary friends when you were younger? Just one, but I didn’t get the point of it and I got bored very quickly.

Have you ever smoked weed? No but a friend knows a supplier should I ever want to start getting into it.

Who do you look up to for your style? Idk, whatever girls my age are wearing these days.

What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought? With my own money, probably the hotel accommodation I purchased for my dad’s birthday this weekend. I’m super stingy with my money and I can’t imagine spending 4 or 5 figures on something just for myself.

What's your favorite amusement park ride? Not too big on rides.

Who was the craziest teacher you've ever had? Ironically, it was my Christianity/religion teacher from 5th grade. We bumped into each other a few weeks after I graduated high school and his first remark towards me was about my breasts. He did a lot of stupid shit too when I was in 5th grade but I don’t feel like getting into them because he was just one big headache of a man.

Where would you like to travel that you have not been? Thailand, if within Asia; Spain if outside.

If you could be any musician for a day, who would you be and why? No thanks.

Do you have any tattoos? No.

What are your favorite scary movies? Some favorites are Carrie, The Shining, and Scream.

#survey #surveys

[elsaclack]

hi em how are you? i've been dying to get your opinion on the lover album, if you have the time/interest :)

hi i’m good!!! i’m real good my mom’s doctor gave us really good news yesterday so i’m cruising on good vibes rn and yeah i’m great!!!

literally i have been DYING to unload my thoughts on lover since 3 seconds after it came out omg????? i had a deeply intense discussion with my roommate last night about each song on the album and what it specifically means to us so like this is Peak Talking Opportunity For Me which as a messy hoe i honestly love

i’m putting it under the cut though bc i do not want to be Obnoxious

okay first and foremost, i forgot that you existed? DEEPLY iconic. my roommate doesn’t like this one as much as some of the others on the album but it’s def top 3 for me. like, everything about it is so perfect - the message the song sends is one of hope for people who are kind of hopelessly tangled up in drama at the moment (i.e. don’t worry, soon enough you’re going to wake up one day and forget that all of those people even exist (which is HELLA true)) but like!!! even the music she wrote with the song kind of supports the message!! my roommate’s biggest complaint with that song is that she feels like the music needs to Build and Go Places more than it does, but like........god the whole point of the song is that it’s written to a person taylor’s indifferent toward, shouldn’t the music seem a little indifferent too?? like yes there’s joy and it does build and it does move but if it DID get super dramatic it would actually contradict the message of the song so like??? it’s??? perfect??? and i have scream-singed it in my car a million times already thank u for asking

i’ll be honest, cruel summer doesn’t do as much for me as some of the other songs on the album,,,,,i mean i like it and i can DEF sing along to it and the line “i love you ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard” is such a mood. it’s the first song on the album that i was like oh she probably started writing that (or at least getting the idea to write it) the summer every angry mob in america was calling for her head bc like there’s definitely a sense of self-deprecation/preservation in some of the lyrics. idk it strikes me as a song about how terrifying vulnerability is especially in the face of such public and global hatred directed toward you

LOVER. lover. lllllllover oh my god i love lover which i was not prepared to do since that word seriously bums me out 100% of the time but it’s so sweet??? so sweet and honest and like. what i thought love was when i was a kid?? just finding that other person and being like “oh, you’re like....you’re IT” and like HA wouldn’t it be grand to be in love?? also the brIDGE??? THE BRIDGE!!!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WILL YOU PLEASE STAND!!! WITH EVERY GUITAR STRING SCAR ON MY HAND!!! I TAKE THIS MAGNETIC FORCE OF A MAN TO BE MY LOVERRRRRR!!!! MY HEART’S BEEN BORROWED AND YOUR’S HAS BEEN BLUE!!! ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL TO END UP WITH YOU!!! SWEAR TO BE OVER-DRAMATIC A N D T R U E TO MY LOVERRRRR!!!! and oh man i wanna be in love anyways moving on

the man honestly took me a few tries to like but i definitely have a healthy amount of respect for it now. like idk it felt a little out of place at first given that this whole album is supposed to be about love and that song is,,,,,,not (at first glance) but the more i listen to it the more i realize that it sort of is in a way? like she’s been painted as this serial dater since day one when in reality her dating history isn’t really that sordid?? just extremely public. and in listening to the lyrics it sort of dawned on me that her frustration with the way society treats women stems from that reputation (ha) that was forced on her and the way that reputation colored every other interaction she’s ever had with popular culture. like every microinteraction i’ve heard about involving her has been overwhelmingly positive but then you look at media as a whole and they make her out to be this entirely different person and part of u has to wonder if it would even be an issue if you took all the same behaviors, dating history, microinteractions etc. and applied them to an equally famous man. and the answer is no it would not be an issue

the archer made me cry the first time i heard it and it still kind of strikes me at my core a lot if i don’t distract myself with other things while it’s on? like sitting down and actually listening to the words is. tough bc i relate to it a lot and not in the fun scream-sing in the car way that i relate to i forgot that you existed. that song actually makes me really uncomfortable with who i am bc like god!!!!! i have been the archer!!!! i have been the prey!!!! i don’t understand why people have left me and i REALLY don’t understand why people stay!!!!! in all seriousness though it goes back to that struggling with vulnerability thing - by being vulnerable you’re opening up the scariest, rawest parts of yourself to other people and risking being rejected for those scary raw parts. it’s a song about struggling between building those walls up to protect yourself or risking getting hurt for the sake of love - and lucky for her she seems to have found someone who has seen the scary raw stuff in her life and has decided that he wants to stay

i think he knows is the song both me and my roommate bump in our cars whenever we go places together because it’s SO FUN i don’t even know what else to say other than i cry laughing every time my roommate tries to sing “lyrical smile indigo eyes hand on my thigh we can follow the sparks i’ll drive” bc it’s SUCH a tongue-twister for her it’s fhaldskfhadslfkj FUNNY

miss americana & the heartbreak prince is another one that i was kind of so-so about at first but the more i listen to it the more i love it?? it’s so Dramatique in the best way like it makes me feel like i’m watching a movie preview about a dystopian high school in slow motion and honestly i LOVE it

my roommate’s favorite song on the whole album is paper rings and i love it too honestly it’s another one we bump in the car bc it’s SUPER fun to sing with other people lmfao she described it as “the song you hear in a preview for a romcom set in new york city” and i was like YEAH THAT’S ACCURATE but what’s really funny is that?? that’s probably?? exactly?? what it is?? anyways

i’m kind of...meh...about cornelia street yikes i’ve read people talking about how good it is and i’m trying to like it but it’s just,,,,i mean it’s not bad not by any stretch of the imagination but personally i like other songs on the album more hfaldskfjs

death by a thousand cuts!!!!!! that’s my roommate’s other favorite song lmao!!! again the more i listen to it the more i like it but i def like others on the album more at this point

i had london boy stuck in my head all day yesterday it’s so funny god i know a lot of people who live in and around london have some issues with it which is FINE i won’t pretend like i know anything about it but i think it’s cute LMAO

i can’t listen to soon you’ll get better without legit ugly crying (like we’re talking full on sobbing) just because of everything going on with my own mom right now so maybe in a year or two when things have cleared a little for her i might be able to listen to it again but rn i’ve only listened to it all the way through once

honestly i don’t really like false god that much and i can’t really identify why it’s just,,,,fhasdlfk

you need to calm down is just a straight up bop that i sing in the shower a lot and i know it was controversial esp after the music video came out but like. on a base level the song is just fun

afterglow is one of my other top three on the album,,,,,,,,bc again,,,,,,,,,,relatable,,,,,,,like realizing that she’s safe with this person after kind of instinctively flying off the handle,,,,,,,god. idk i’ve heard a lot of apology songs in the past but this one kind of strikes me bc like,,,,idk she takes full responsibility for it rather than trying to justify it with the conditions that beat that kind of behavior into her over the last few years. she’s taking responsibility for her actions, she’s apologizing, she’s asking him to stay, and at the same time she’s pointing out that she’s human and will probably make similar mistakes in the future and idk that’s just reassuring? bc i’m also human and i also make really big dumb mistakes that hurt other people in the name of self-preservation and i can only hope that someday i’ll meet someone who will stick around anyways

me! is a bop as well it’s massively overplayed at this point and i kind of skip it when i’m listening by myself but my roommate and i scream-sing that one too LMFAO

it’s nice to have a friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this really is what i thought love would be when i was in like 3rd grade and just becoming aware of it as a concept!!!!!!!! there was a little boy who lived next door and we were best friends growing up and there was never any romantic aspect to our friendship (that i am aware of) but we used to play outside together all the time and it was sweet and simple and secure and that’s the way that song makes me feel!!! also i read that every single instrument/vocal performance on that song (outside of taylor herself) was done by a children’s music group which just adds to the childlike sweetness of the song and gah it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

daylight,,,,,,,,,,,,,that’s my number 1 y’all i freaking LOVE daylight holy HELL i can’t wait to make my other roommate play/sing it with me at our house show next month??? god it’s just. it’s so indicative of where she’s been, the hell she’s been through both internally- and externally-imposed, and how it makes this moment she now gets to have with the person she loves that much sweeter?? i don’t know i feel like my heart is going to explode every time i hear it and i’m not even remotely close to being in love so i can’t imagine how much deeper it’ll hit if/when i ever do fall in love again and

god i just

i really like lover as an album a WHOLE lot 

#em answers #lover #taylor swift

[idkmybfftay]

The Archer a.k.a. relatable content

This really might be the single most relatable song from Taylor. This song is so lyrically dynamic that it can be put to just about any form of relationship and work. The feelings she expresses throughout the song are just so real and so relatable. I was sitting here thinking about how I relate to each of these lyrics and so badly wanted to write down my own feeling about them. So why don’t we just do a fun walk through of these lyrics: Combat, I’m ready for combat I say I don't want that, but what if I do? ‘Cause cruelty wins in the movies I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you.

(So right off the back our girl is laying it on the table. That fear of opening up is palpable from the word combat. Now we have all been there, because opening up is so terrifying. THEN we have the next piece of content that is just like YUP - I am not 100% sure what I want - do I want to stick with the safety of what I know and what is comfortable OR do I want to take a chance? WOWZA so then ya know you think you’ve recovered, but nah. Perhaps the most relatable piece of content I have ever seen: a hundred thrown-out speeches: I HAVE STACKS Y’ALL. Letters never sent, words never said, they are our heaviest. Our confessions of love of hate of confusion of hope and of fear. (AND THIS HUMAN IS GOING TO LET US SEE THESE THROWN OUT SPEECHES IN THE FORM OF HER DIARY OKAY)

Easy they come, easy they go I jump from the train, I ride off alone I never grew up, it’s getting so old Help me hold on to you

Right - so people come in and out of everyone’s life which can feel like a damn revolving door of disappointment - so ya know what is easier sometimes? BEING ALONE. Being alone is easily the scariest form of comfort. Riding off alone into the sunset can feel like the most empowering way to move forward, but it also feels like escapism and it can feel so solitary. The fear of not growing emotionally to be able to hold onto something permanently is immense. SO WE END UP BEING LIKE - HEY UH CAN I GET SOME HELP HERE PLS? 

I’ve been the archer, I’ve been the prey Who could ever leave me darling But who could stay?

RIGHT so sometimes I’m like damn I see you and I am on my damn way. AND then sometimes someone else sees me and is like DAMN going for it. Both sides is vulnerable the prey is vulnerable because it doesn’t have the bow, the archer is vulnerable because all it has is the hope that the shot hits it’s target. THEN SHE HITS US WITH THIS: right we fabulous - I’m fabulous so of course no one could leave? BUT ALSO people are unpredictable and I have faults and that other person is going to see them - Who want’s to be with me (I’m a mess?) Like howwwww?

Dark side, I search for your dark side But what if I’m alright, right, right, right here? And I cut off my nose just to spite my face Then I hate my reflection for years and years 

SO you see this person and you are like nah there has to be something wrong with them. THEY CAN’T POSSIBLY BE THIS PERFECT. WHERE IS THE PITFALL? and then ya get comfy like maybe this could work??? BUT THEN IT COMES BACK TO YOUR BASIC INSECURITIES. It might not be the physical reflection of yourself but that reflection of what you don’t like about yourself plants those seeds of doubt that lead us as basic human beings to start to sabotage our own happiness.

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost The room is on fire, invisible smoke And all of my heroes die all alone Help me hold on to you

So ya know, you wake up in the night. Maybe you are feeling a little too peaceful. Or maybe you feel frantic. Or maybe you feel completely disassociated. Everything feels like it is going to engulf you, every last bit of you. And you consider the initial fear. What is the balance of being a strong bad ass on your own and being loved and loving in return? Not everyone finds love in traditional ways and what if you are one of those people? AND THE REALLY SCARY PART IS THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE THESE FEARS OTHER THAN YOU. 

I’ve been the archer, I’ve been the prey Screaming, who could ever leave me darling But who could stay (I see right through me, I see right through me)

THE FIRST STAB. The first realization of wow, I got some stuff to work through.

‘Cause they see right through me They see right through me They see right through Can you see right through me? They see right through me They see right through me I see right through me I see right through me

TAY legit lays it all out. The initial fear that everyone sees that you are just winging it. THEN YOU HEAR HER REALIZE - can YOU see right through me?? Wow fuck me up that is scary. If they can see right through me then I guess I have to admit that there is something to see through. I see right through me right down to the barebones of my insecurities and anxieties.

All the king’s horses, all the king’s men Couldn’t put me together again ‘Cause all fo the my enemies started out friends Help me hold on to you

(PERSONAL NOTE THIS IS MAYBE MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SONG: Doctors have been gently (and not so gently) piecing me back together my entire life, and it will never be 100% successful which is a HUGE insecurity of mine)  SO WE ALL HAVE THINGS IN LIFE THAT ARENT TOGETHER. Maybe our health isn’t amazing. Maybe we’ve been struggling with our mental health. MAYBE life is just stressing us out in general and we feel like we are falling apart. That feeling of who could love someone who is broken is stronger than ever. That fear that those individuals who started out being our closest allies leave, turn their back on us - AND YOU CANNOT BE THAT PERSON. YOU are my favorite person- don’t leave.

I’ve been the archer, I’ve been the prey Who could ever leave me, darling But who could stay? (I see right through me, I see right through me) Who could stay? Who could stay? Who could stay? You could stay You could stay

We are still afraid, still aware of what is standing in our way of being happy. (usually a fun combo of internal and external factors) BUT THEN WE HAVE A BREAKTHROUGH - after asking endlessly who could stay - who would stay -wait maybe you could stay. Maybe you see through all of the anxiety and insecurity to get me. And I get you. and that is all that matters. 

Combat, I’m ready for combat

So this is a fun one....Ready to combat our fears, our selves, or are we going back to square one? Growth isn’t linear so it is probably all of it. I just feel like this song is what a lot of us feel and need. The insecurities don’t go away, but we grow and evolve enough to work through them. @taylorswift is easily one of the most talented musicians of the last 100 years. She is stunning. She is generous. She is damn funny. AND she feels exactly like I do. This song right here is why Taylor is not only gifted and skilled, but it is also the perfect example of why she is relatable.  I’m just super excited for August 23rd. Lover is going to be killer.

#the archer #taylor swift #taylornation #lover #taylor swift lover

[marculees]

Soft Bias Tag <3

Tagged by the lovely @pikachulein, thank you! ^-^

Prepare for soft cringe. So because I’m selfish and lowkey narcissistic hahaha, I kinda have two so this is going to be a 2-in-1 yay. I haven’t even started yet and I’m already laughing?? Anyway lets go~

1. Who is my Bias?

💛 Jackson Wang

💜 Mark Lee

2. What made you notice him?

💛 His laugh, sense of humor and energy! It was contagious and I couldn’t help just OwO at him in every video lololol

💜 Lmao we have the exact same birthday so I was like omg yes finally someone I can relate to. So I looked up his profile and noticed we were basically the same person and was shook O.o

3. What’s your favorite thing about him?

💛 His heart of gold (aha get the emoji reference yeeeah i did that).He’s honestly such a kind and generous person and sjkglsgfdkjf he makes me cry. Like when I see him helping others or taking care of his members or his family especially, my heart skips a beat. He’s my ideal type tbh, as cringey as that sounds. Here’s an excerpt from a letter to my bias thing I have in my drafts cx

“Ideal types may be just a charade to some, but ultimately you are everything I want in a partner. Your kindness and generosity is one of my favourite things about you and is hugely underappreciated by others. How you always go out of your way to help others, be it strangers or loved ones, is so inspiring. You truly have a heart of gold and I feel like it isn’t said enough. Yes, you are fucking gorgeous and a huge idiot but its the kind soul underneath that I love most.”

💜 That he makes me feel more confident and loving towards myself <3

“I’ve always been the black sheep, odd one out, and I still struggle with finding others I can relate to. When I was in school I was friendly with everyone but with my friends I wasn’t really considered part of the group. I didn’t fit.  I was an afterthought, an outsider. I’m in college now and while I do feel a sense of belonging with my new friends, with you I feel not just that but a sense of understanding, a sense of empathy NCT 2018. Since the very first day, I settled on biasing you for these probably selfish reasons alone. I was a kid back then, we both were. And now that we are barely considered adults, I am still following you. But my initial fascination has become much deeper than just that. The more I’ve fallen in love with you, the more I’ve begun to love myself also. You show and teach me things I’ve discredited or put down about about myself. The more interest I showed in you and your group, the more similar I realised we are. From our attitude, ethic, gestures, sense of humor and way of speaking, it became apparent to me that I had finally found someone. Someone who makes me feel like it’s okay to be who I am, because I am not alone. What I perceived as flaws in myself, I saw as endearing in you.”

*pukes from cringe at myself* I am never going to post the full thing

4. Who would initiate skinship more?

💛 HIM WITHOUT A DOUBT. He’s a touchy baby. Tbh it would probably piss me off slightly, like I’m just being honest ahaha. I don’t mind people touching my thigh or my arm for a second but he’s the type to just touch and then stay there lol

💜 Him too, I think. I’ve noticed he’s become a bit more touchy with the members recently! I’m not very touchy but if someone is more chill about it and doesn’t feel like its necessary or has to be like all the fucking time, then I’m more inclined to actually engage in it surprise surprise.

5. Who would hog the blankets more?

💛 I would say him but then I remember him saying he gets really hot at night (it was in one of those GOT2Days with JB lol). I get hot too so he can hog them if he wants cx

💜 He’s pretty chill, like so long as he has his pillow to hug then I don’t think he would mind much. I would insist on covering him up still though. I’m not a hogger at all, in fact usually I end up with literally half/no blanket in the morning because I’ve kicked it off at some point

6. Who would be more clingy?

💛 HIM. I honestly don’t think I need to explain XD

💜 Oooh tough question. I feel like it could be him? I would be more clingy on the inside, if that makes sense?

7. Who would say I love you first?

💛 I think it would be me but just as like a casual thing like, “Ahh you’re lucky I love you”. But he would take it serious and be like “...I love you too”. And then I’d get all giggly and embarrassed because that’s all I ever do T-T

💜 Maybe me? Idk like it would a kind of ‘in the moment’ thing? I���d be thinking it but I wouldn’t say it until I realised I actually had. I’ve done this before ;-;

8. Who would be more easily flustered?

💛 Me!!!! I bet that would be his favourite thing to do too. He’s such a little shit like he’d be all “Aww is someone all blushy?” and then make me even worse and kjdsgfldfmdsfg I would lowkey enjoy it tbh XD

💜 I think him actually! I wouldn’t be over-the-top romantic or cheesy so if I ever did something, it would catch him by surprise and make him uwu haha. I’m not the best at speaking my thoughts but I would write lots of poems and songs for him and I think that would make him get all flustered since he likes writing too c:

9. What cuddling position would you two have?

💛 Aww I honestly love backhugs so anything where I could just wrap my arms around him and lie against his back. The big spoon! But I feel like he would give the best hugs so like sitting in his lap with his arms around me and djkfhdjfhj fuck this shit I’m out T-T

💜 We’re both quite childish and awkward when it comes to cuddling so I feel like it would be just playwrestling and then forgetting that we’re supposed to wrestle so we just lie in a big tangle on top of each other ;-;

10. Which colors remind you of them and why?

💛 Yellow because his blonde hair is beautiful, plus he’s so bright and cheerful like the colour itself  ^-^

💜 Pink! He looks adorable in pink plus he’s mentioned the colour a few times on broadcasts and stuff so I feel like he has a fondness for it~

11. Which season would you like to spend with them?

💛 Summer because he’s probably be sleeveless all the time or even shirtless... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I have no shame ahahaha

💜 Winter because I think if it was snowing, it would remind him of his home and then it would be cute af and we’d have a snowball fight and hot chocolate after <3

12. Who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter?

💛 Tbh we’d bake and steal it together XD

💜 I think he would try so hard not to fuck the baking up but I’d tempt him into stealing the batter with me cx

13. Which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react?

💛 Ohhh definitely me. And he’d either scream with laughter or just get pissed off oops. I’d just laugh even more though lmao

💜 We share the same sense of humor so it would be kinda mutual! I’d make a shitty pun and he makes an even worse one on top of that and then we end up getting into a spiral of awful puns and rhymes and before you know it we’ve written possibly the worst rap of all time

14. Who would want to adopt 50 dogs and cats?

💛 Me. I don’t want kids but I’m g with furbabies. 50 is a bit much though XD

💜 ^^^

15. Which one of you would nearly burn down the kitchen trying to microwave a pop tart and who would come to the rescue?

💛 I’d be the dumbass burning down the kitchen, no questions asked. He’d be having a heart attack and be screaming, like I can actually hear his scream right now just picturing it XD

💜 Oh dear, again it would probably be mutual... >.<

16. Who likes to lean over trail railings and who pulls them back?

💛 I’m really protective so I’d help steady him and make sure he doesn’t fall because we know how excited he gets XD

💜 ^^^ But I have seen him holding the members and looking out for their safety in general, so I think it would be him in this case actually~

17. What would watching a horror film with them be like?

💛 “This isn’t even scary. Like look, nothing is happening. Stop hiding behind the cushion, Niamh.” “THE MOTHERFUCKER IS RIGHT ON THE SCREEN, YOU LIAR. I HATE YOU.”

💜 “If you get scared, you can hold onto me” .“You mean, cuddle you because you’re scared, right?”. “Ah...yes, Niamh. Thanks.”

18. Who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt?

💛 He’d be sooooo cheesy, like to the point where its not even flirting but just straight up cringey. I don’t flirt often but when I do, its like wow I see what you did there. But I’d get embarrassed around him so it would be less smooth and more stuttery unless I got a sudden burst of confidence. He would have no shame flirting though, like he legit would be the type to say “Omg damn girl, that ass” and I’d slap him XD

💜 Eww he’d be cheesy like he’d be walking around and see something and try make it a rap like in the LA vlog lmao. Something really dumb like “You’re so pretty, those flowers don’t compare because you have a cute face and nice hair” and I’d just be like “uhhh....thanks?” and burst out laughing and blushing out of secondhand embarrassment XD

19. Who is more competitive?

💛 We’re both so competitive but I think with his history in sporting competitions (whereas I was too shy to do them T-T), it would give him just a bit more. I’d always encourage him though, like I’d love seeing him try his best and would always ask if there was anything I could do to help. But if it came to games, I don’t take the “I let you win” excuse cx

💜 Me? I take my passions very seriously and throw myself into what I do, like I get VERY into my work. I was v competitive in debating and any time I hear the word challenge, its like yasss bring it on bish. Mark is competitive too but I think he’d prefer taking a support role. He’s so encouraging of his members and I honestly need a little cheerleader like him in my life ;-;

20. Who would be given constant reminders? (Don’t forget your keys, things like that)

💛 As much of a nagger I can be, I feel like he is the type to do this even at random moments. Like we’d be chilling together and then he’ll just say out of nowhere, “Did you eat lunch btw? I’m going to make you lunch”. He wouldn’t listen to any bullshit. He’d take care of me whether I liked it or not haha

💜 Hhmm kinda mutual here but for different things, if that makes sense? Like he’d be telling me to “take your meds and vitamins, bring a jacket, text when you get there”, etc. I’d be like “take a break for a few minutes, I’ll be there soon with some food”, etc, I need reminders for taking care of myself but I give reminders for others to take care of themselves lol

21. Who sends memes and who sends cute ‘i miss you’ texts at 3am?

💛 He’s the sappy bitch with “I miss you” texts haha and being the idiot I am, I would send him memes of himself in response XD

💜 Honestly, unless he was maybe drunk I think it would be me. Like it would very out of the blue and probably make him panic a bit oops. He’d write a long ass ride message in response though because he’d be so worried ^^’

This was very soft and cringey ahaha but I’m going to tag @jaexmins @cosmicrailwaybisexual @happysmilebtr @kikitsaaa @nctdoingthings @castielsinwhite @thefroghyungwon @seulgii-princess and if anyone else wants to do it then just say I tagged you XD

#tagged #soft bias tag #this was jfgfgdfmgd #too many feels #ult #twin

[nickireadstfc]

The Raven King, Chapter 5 – Call Me, Beep Me

In which Neil is introduced to the wonders of modern technology, the battle against heteronormativity continues, Andreil have An Interaction™ and Nicky finally reclaims his status as best person alive.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Raven King.

We start this chapter off with Neil recapping how he’s super broke, which is already the most fucking relatable thing.

“Broke” here meaning “I am in possession of half a million dollars, however I’ll need it for my entire sad runaway life so I can’t spend it on anything fancy”, not “I’m a poor intern who’s getting paid below minimum wage”, obviously.

The reason we’re evaluating Neil’s financial status is because some unexpected expenses have come up in his life that he is ruthlessly and cruelly forced to :

He’s going shopping with Nicky.

Well, technically the rest of the monsters are there too, but let’s be real, Nicky is the driving force of Operation Let’s Get Neil Into Some Decent Nice Clothes, And Hopefully Also Laid.

The reason they’re venturing into the scary, hostile territory of an American mall is, of course, the fast approach of one particular banquet.

           “I could just not go,”  Neil said.

           “Shut up. You’re going,” Kevin said, like he wasn’t dreading this himself. All fourteen southern Class I teams would be in attendance, and that included Edgar Allan’s Ravens.

Oh, yes. Fun times with That Fucker™ himself. Have I mentioned I’m really, really looking forward to this thing?

           It was a short list of names and numbers in bubbly blue print. Nicky leaned over and made a dismissive noise. “Seriously, Aaron?”

           “Dan asked me to get a list from Katelyn,” Aaron said.

           “Who are these people?” Neil asked.

           “They’re the single Vixens.”

           “They’re all women,” Nicky said. “That doesn’t help us.”

Nicky saying ‘Fuck you’ to heteronormativity will always be my favourite thing <3

Although, as funny as it is, Neil has repeatedly told him he’s not gay. And while I totally understand the frustration of someone insisting they’re not queer while your gaydar shouts otherwise, can Nicky be a little less pushy about it, maybe?

Just a thought.

           “Stop being a bad influence,” Kevin told Nicky. “I am going to make him Court. It’ll be easier if he remains heterosexual. You know more than any of us how prejudiced people can be.”

Guys, he is literally right there.

Neil thinks so too:

           “We aren’t really having this conversation,” Neil said.

           Nicky clapped his hands to either side of Neil’s head as if trying to shield Neil from their argument. It didn’t really work, as he missed Neil’s ears completely.

Bahahaha. I actually had to laugh out at that mental image.

           “Come on, Kevin. Even you have to admit this is really weird.”

           Andrew threw his hands up. “Newsflash, Nicky: Neil isn’t normal!”

           “This is beyond abnormal.”

           “I am standing right here,” Neil said, “and I can hear you.”

You tell ‘em, Neil.

Nicky, has someone explained the concept of demi/asexuality to you? Like, ever?

Deep sigh. Will I have to do it, or does someone enlighten this boy before the series is over?

(Don’t tell me. I want to continue giving sarcastic running commentary to his running commentary on Neil’s sexuality.)

On a more serious note: The subject of Allison is brought up once again.

           “I won’t bring her,” Kevin said, because someone had to break the quiet. “You might have brought Riko’s wrath down on the striker line, but I’m the reason he’s in the south in the first place. Neither of us has the right to speak to Allison now.”

Is that……. Kevin being….. human…….. with a basic scrap of…….. compassion………?

AMAZING. WONDERFUL. WOW.

           “I know Riko was behind this. I know what people like him are like. Be glad you’ll never understand the way they think.”

           Any other time, Neil would be relieved to hear such words from Kevin. It meant Andrew hadn’t told Kevin the truth about Neil’s past and that Kevin had yet to recognize him.

Yeah, and I’m still unsure on whether I’m buying that whole ‘Kevin doesn’t recognize Neil’ act.

Like. It still doesn’t make sense to me that you could play hours and hours of little league, not to mention watch a guy get legit murdered with this kid, and be fooled with a bit of hair dye and some contacts? Unless puberty did Neil Josten really, really well, I’m calling bullshit.

On the other hand, that comment did sound genuine and y’know, it would support that even the mighty Kevin Day’s brain makes a mistake or two sometimes.

On the other other hand, the mighty Kevin Day is an excellent actor, trained by years in front of cameras, who could drop comments like these and sound like he’s being entirely 100% genuine.

On the other other other hand, why pretend to not know Neil? Maybe not in front of the rest of the team, alright, but if it’s just the two alone? Why ignore their important shared history?

My brain hurts. I need to stop going in circles over this. All in due time, Nicki.

This is for real one of the questions I’m most excited to have answered by the end of this series.

           Neil looked at the massive bundle of clothes in Nicky’s arms. (…)

           “I have good taste in clothes, right? If you want to try them on you can, but you don’t have to. I know they’ll fit.”

           “Why would I want to try them on?”

           “Oh, because these are yours.”

Can I have my own personal Nicky who takes me to the nearest Topshop and picks out bomb ass outfits for me??? Please and thank you.

Neil, however, is an ungrateful fashion grouch, not thanking Nicky with one word as he obviously does not understand what a service to everyone’s eyeballs Nicky has probably just done.

However, all that fashion banter pales against what happens next – which is where the chapter gets really good.

           “What is that dinosaur?” Nicky asked, dismayed. “No one put money on a flip phone, Andrew. You just ruined a really good pot.”

           Neil idly wondered if there was anything his teammates wouldn’t bet on.

Oh my GOD. You bet on what sort of phone Andrew had? I love this team so, so much.

Wait. Shouldn’t they know his phone? Why are they betting on that.

Wait. It’s not his, is it.

           “You couldn’t even have found him a qwerty?”

           “What for?” Andrew finished what he was doing, snapped the phone shut, and tossed it at Neil. (…) “Who is Neil going to text?” (…)

           “What.” Neil couldn’t even make it a question.

They got him a PHONE, you guys. A PHONE. THAT THEY CAN CALL. AND TEXT. FOR KEEPING IN TOUCH. FOR INCLUDING NEIL IN GROUP SOCIALIZING.

I am loving the FUCK out of this.

Neil, however, is not.

           He didn’t think a small thing like this could hurt so much, but the grief that punched through him left him in pieces. (…) Every time they moved they got new cell phones, prepaid burners they could ditch at the first hint of trouble. He’d wanted to keep hers. (…) He’d thrown them into the waves before leaving the beach.

Whoops.

Today’s Casually Mentioned, Yet Heartbreakingly Sad Neil Fact is: This.

           He’d never gotten a new one for himself. He’d never seen a point; Neil had no one in the world he could call.

Excuse me while I quickly drown in my own tears.

And although Nicky tries to calmly and gently reason with him (“That’s our just-in-case. You’ll make us all feel better if we know we can find you”, brb crying), Neil refuses to accept the damn phone.

That is, until, of course, until #bestboy Andrew shows up with it at their Late Night Kandreil Training Sesh™.

           Andrew took his phone out of his pocket and set it down beside Neil’s. His was black but otherwise seemed to be the same model.

Do I get emotional over the fact that they have matching phones? Maybe.

Is it totally ridiculous as Andrew probably just bought him what he knew worked? Probably.

Will that stop me? Absolutely fucking not.

           He flicked both open and pressed a couple buttons. A few seconds later Andrew’s phone started to ring. Neil expected a generic ringtone, but a man started singing. It didn’t sound like something Andrew would assign to his phone until Neil listened to the lyrics. It was a song about runaways.

Andrew, you wonderful little shit. <3

Also, that song either Run Boy Run by Woodkid or Ghost Towns by Radical Face and no other headcanons shall be accepted.

(I’m totally kidding. PLEASE do send in any other ideas you have, my TFC playlist still needs filling.)

Andrew bugs him about the phone thing (needing to watch his boy’s back and what have you <3), Neil dishes out some BS about how he used to keep the phone his dead parents gave him in hopes they would miraculously call again, bla bla.

Andrew is not taking that bullshit and supplies us with some sassy times instead.

           “Who am I supposed to call?” [Neil said.]

           “Nicky, Coach, the suicide hotline, I don’t care.”

           “I’m remembering why I don’t like you.”

           “I’m surprised you even forgot in the first place.”

           “Maybe I didn’t.”

What a comeback, bro. This is weak af coming from a guy who tore down Riko on national TV, just sayin.

           “There has to be a better way.”

           “You could occasionally grow a spine,” Andrew suggested. “I know it’s a difficult concept for someone whose kneejerk reaction is to run away at the first sign of trouble, but try it sometime. You might actually like it.”

           “What I’d like is to put this phone through your teeth.”

           “See, that’s more interesting.”

           “I’m not here for you entertainment,” Neil said.

           “But, as expected, you are talented enough to multitask.”

I’m loving this so, so damn much. Andrew is destroying your ass with these comebacks, Neil, and I’m on the back waving a styrofoam finger, hollering at everything he says.

I would like to also add that Andrew is entirely sober for these interactions. This is pure, undiluted Minyard sass.

And as always – never a one-on-one Andreil Interaction™ without some feels at the end:

           “I don’t care if you use this phone tomorrow. I don’t care if you never use it again. But you are going to keep it on you because one day you might need it..” Andrew put a finger to the underside of Neil’s chin and forced Neil’s head up until they were looking at each other.

Hombre…………………….….. das v gay.

           “One day you’re not going to run. You’re going to think about what I promised you and you’re going to make the call. Tell me you understand.”

           Neil’s voice had left him, but he managed a nod.

:’)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I’m fine I’m fine leave me here to fucking p e r i s h.

Neil takes this brief honesty hour to try and get back on that weird call from the Oakland PD Andrew got at the start of the book, however that ends honesty hour because Andrew just brushes him off:

           “Children’s Services is opening an investigation into one of my foster fathers. Pig Higgins knew I lived with them, so he called me for testimony. (…) Richard Spear is an uninteresting but relatively harmless human being. They won’t find anything to pin on him.”

Bull-fucking-shit. No way. That was much too shocked a reaction for a little thing like that.

Whatever. All in due time, all in due time.

Onto better and funnier subjects: This is the wonderful, wonderful point where our favourite hobo is finally introduced to the wonders of modern technology.

           By the time Neil made it to the athletes’ dining hall for lunch he had twenty messages. Most of them were from Nicky, idle comments about nothing in particular.

Nicky <33333

Also twenty messages, that is hilarious if you consider that Neil jumps out of his skin like an anxious baby rabbit with an orange bandana every time his phone goes off.

           Neil didn’t know what to make of it. The Foxes spent seven hours together at practices every day and roomed with each other at Fox Tower. How they had anything left to say to each other was beyond him.

It’s called having friends, dude, you should try it some time.

           He wanted to turn the messaging off somehow or tell them this wasn’t why he had a phone. Phones were for emergencies, not running commentary on a teacher’s boring lecture.

Nicky continues to spam him with texts the next few days, which, honestly, big mood.

If I like you, especially if our friendship is just being newly established, I will fucking blow up your phone with wholesome memes and weird 3am thoughts. Watch me.

This tactic has made some good ass friendships though, so no regrets.

However, for Nicky it’s not just all fun and friendship-making:

           Halfway through [Nicky’s] rant about a current class project Neil’s phone hummed. Neil answered without thinking. It was a smiley face from Nicky. Neil looked up at Nicky, not understanding.

           “See?” Nicky sounded pleased. “That’s much better. That’s how a normal human being looks when they check their phone, Neil.”

Dude. Did you just………….. blow up his phone all week………… just to make sure he’s comfortable using it…………………. I CRY???????

           “Question,” Nicky said. “If I hadn’t been bothering you would you have touched that phone at all this week?” (…)

           “Question again: Do you honestly think you’d have used it if you had an emergency?”

NICKY WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A GOOD PERSON AGAIN I’M SORRY I BRIEFLY UNSTANNED YOU LET ME FUCKING L O V E Y O U

           “Anyway, you’re welcome. I just saved you at least two hundred dollars in intensive therapy.”

MY DUDE <33333333333

Nicky is a wonderful person, Neil knows what an emoji is, all is good in the world again.

Next chapter: Fun banquet times! Sass! Shade! Fashion! And from all I know, possibly murder yet again! Stay tuned!

---

If you like what I do here and you want to help me continue writing, please consider buying me a coffee! Thank you so much <3

#nicki reads tfc #tfc #aftg #trk #the foxhole court #all for the game #the raven king #nora sakavic #I can only answer asks from mobile rn for some reason but do keep them coming!! I'll get around to answering them tomorrow probably

[sillyandquiteawkward]

ive had this list of all the steam powered giraffe songs listed in order of my favorite to least favorite in each album, but i havent done anything with it and i made the list last year. thought id might as well post it!

each song has a little blurb about that song, and the reason i like it. strictly my opinions on the songs, but i tried to include some of the technical stuff so if you hadnt heard the song before, you could get a Feel of it.

album one

steam man band - wonderful lyrics and vocals! the robotic twinge i lovely and i wish this was longer. i love the lyric “count to twenty, one is plenty”

clockwork vaudeville - a charming song about a boy seeing the robots for the first time at a fair and you feel it in every note. theres a part where the spine switches to a more harsh voice and it works wonderfully to contrast the smoothness of thus far.

electricity is in my soul - again, i love the robotic edge this song has, but it also is smooth. the lyrics and vocals are amazing. so fun to sing along to.

brass goggles - the first song i heard of them, the three part harmonies are to die for and rabbit kills it. in the original version, the voices are super busy and super robotic and tbh its my fav version because of this. i adore when they split into three parts and sing their own thing.

sound of tomorrow - i love the chorus, especially the echo the spine does. love all the weird lyrics the jon sings.

blind minstrels ballad - i love how ambient and mysterious it is. sets the mood for a story. i love the jons voice.

steam man band reprise - i love michaels voice and the staticy effects the band had a lot of in this album. the lyrics work really well and i wish this was longer.

captain albert alexander - one of my favorite hero songs, caa is a whirlwind adventure of a man who loves the sea. i love the story line and it hits you hard emotionally

out in the rain - ambiance! i love the mood this song sets.

on top of the universe - a cute song about being in love, very charming and captures the feeling of falling in love at first sight. i love the end part where the spine has to be beat up.

ice cream parade - hilarious! works well as a skit but the song itself is messy. i like the horse adventure part (of course i start to like it when the spine starts singing).

2cent show

automatonic electronic harmonics - western vibes but keep the steam punk feel! robotic themed but focused around the spines feeling and experiences. i love the screaming. the second spg song i listened to.

circuitry - i cant understand what their saying, but i love the robotic screeching and words you can just barely understand. a circusy feeling.

juju magic - the jon kills it with the mood again, i love that you have that steamboat feel, but now everything is going crazy. nothing is right and the lyrics dont make sense but it works wonderfully.

me and my baby - this song makes you want to dance and the spine kills the vocals.

one way ticket - i love the feel of this song! the lyric “the conductor plays the bass, and the train it has a face” just. gives you that mood that this is all magical and cartoony and its just an adventure your having on a train.

the suspender man - one of my other favorite hero song. the lyrics can get strange at times but thats part of the charm. its so fun to sing along, especially in the fast parts. i love singing never 21 times.

steamboat shenanigans - i adore the lyrics. youre standing on a boat running on music and good feeling. the lyrics are silly and the vocals are wonderful. rabbit has a charming edged voice. uncle ralphie makes his appearance in a tuba

prelude to a dream - again, michaels charming voice strikes again. the way the lyrics are sung are eerie but strike you.

the ballad of lily - what is it with me and liking the segway songs more than the actual songs. the ballad of lily slowly builds into something greater as time goes on and i love the accordion.

make believe - another song i want to dance to, the chorus is so fun and great. this song is about being good.

honeybee - one of my favorite parts of this is how when the robots sing “bee” it reminds me of the subtle sounds of a bee buzzing. a sad song about love, maybe something we can relate to.

rex marksley - a wild wild west adventure following the greatest hero, rex wanders around doing good deeds for his life. a great beat and chorus, but it the verses that make it great.

scary world - i love the tentative way things are sung, spine and the gang are scared during this song, something is afoot. pretty sure the morse code says something serious and imaginative, and then ends with the word “bananimals”

thatll be the way home - another era song, you get the feel of the time period like a lot of the other songs on this album. thatll is a really fun word to sing repeatedly.

airheart - a story about a part airplane part woman who becomes a great pilot. a cute story with a great harmony.

little birdie - cute lyrics, the mood of the song is so strange and not how you would think.

mk3

go spine go - easily one of my favorite songs. a jazzy sort of song about the spine having diarrhea. poor spine gets harassed by his band mates

roller skate king - all time favorite hero song. rsk is just a fun guy who roller skates and wants other people to have fun. i cant help but to dance to this song and the chorus is super catchy.

wired wrong - a song that hits too far home. weve all felt wired wrong one way or another. the harmonies are so solemn but hit all the right emotions.

hatch fever - hatchworths debut song. hes still learning what its like to be one of the singing bots so hes still working out the kinks. fast and catchy, i love the abrupt breaks in the song.

fancy shoes - mysterious fancy shoes from a mouse find themselves on hatchys feet. i love the tangents and the footfall sounds at the beginning set the mood of the strange yet serious mood of the song.

steam powered giraffe - you can feel everyone getting ready to sing, i love how you hear about the robots being robots. i love the contrast between all the robots voices tied together with lovely lyrics and a fun beat.

ghost grinder - rabbit strikes again with a chilling song, but this song works the scary theme into a fun halloweeny song about a dancing event.

mecto amore - i love the sultry kind of beat this song has at the beginning. always in love with songs that remind you these singers are robots.

turn back the clock - i cried listening to this song like full on sobbing. rabbit has such a true performance of watching a little girl grow up in little to no time. the song is heart wrenching but worth a listen to understand a part of rabbits character. you can feel her emotions as she laments time.

please explain - silly lyrics that fit together nicely. a series of questioning things the robots dont understand. the spines verse is funny not because of the spine, but the other robots making razzberry sounds during it.

a way into your heart - a love letter to the fans. weve had hard times but the robots will be there for us to sing with and get a smile back on our face. a cute song, but the first few lyrics are sung awkwardly.

bleak horizon - i think its hilarious when the little kid is just like “...bye” a chilling song about the future. harmonies are on point

steam powered giraffe reprise - a cute idea that works really well on stage and kind of random on the cd. the robots have been reset and now sing in japanese. kind of stunted sounding japanese but the song is still catchy and lively.

ill rust with you - this song screams grease. super 70s and you pick up that feel immediately. you can practically imagine rabbit in the all the clothes she describes

she said maybe - another song boasting spines vocal range. kind of creepy.

vice quadrant

its cosmic - the chorus, god the chorus. the progression of notes leaves my ears wanting only more.

the speed of light - you can pinpoint just where the song takes its turn from innocent amazement to more sinister. all this power, you feel invincible. chilling, just like all the song about the astronaut. the build up is amazing.

progress and technology - i adore the spines sharpness of his voice. the robotic feel matches the theme of how the future has come so far. slightly ominous in its lyrics, you feel like something will go wrong with this utopia.

oh no - legit sobbed the first few times i listened to it. the soliton reprise kills me every time. the first word sung is actually my favorite, but i love the pacing of this song, especially at the beginning

daughter of space - the story lyrics that the spine continues to excel at. i love how the lyrics mimic the astronauts feelings towards the daughter of space.

on a crescendo - soft, homely, this song lets you live in the comfort of your time while describing how far humans have come. im so glad a song so chill made it into this album.

commander cosmo - im so glad dwight is ok. captures the emotions and the views of both commander and the public. an emotional roller coaster.

necrostar - rabbit kills it with the sexy deep, scary lyrics. necrostar cant help but to sound sultry as he describes how he is the one to destroy humanity

steamjunk - the perfect opener for winks arc. lost, but hopeful. i love the progression of the song and the chorus.

the pulls - ive never loved a waltz so much. morbid lyrics sung beautifully and calmly toward you. so strange that hatchworth sings low, but i wouldnt have it any other way

whale song - oh so, so cute. oh my gosh. so. cute. rabbit is just teeth rottingly adorable and im so glad we get to hear her take center stage on her accordion. i love the conversation of them just starting a song on the fly.

the vice does tight - harmonies! scary, and set the mood of the impending doom. i love how the lyrics flow and adore how the singers switch

where i left you - saddening, but in the longing sense. hatchworths voice is back to the countertenor were used to.

wink the satellite - hatchworth and wink are just too cute. i love the speaking parts.

fire fire - a lovely song, that is until you realize what its about. this guy just does not have good luck. loses a lot of the emotion of the live performance, but it works to separate the graphic scenes from the audience. back ups make the song. the pinao crawling up the scales gives me chills.

soliton - a love song in its core. love the build up to the chorus. i love when cosmic sings as well! because she loves the astronaut too.

burning in the stratosphere - short and sweet. i love the suspense and build of the countdown and the irony.

star valley night - i love the off key sort of singing for some reason. the up and downs are wrong in all the right ways. cute silly lyrics from all the bots.

starburner - a cute, up beat song. maybe wishing on stars isnt a good idea, but the conversations in this song make this song cute. more spine crying plz

starlight star shine - love that acoustic guitar, especially since so much of this album is synthesized and electronic. a charming love song.

the space giant - i love the conversations that take place in this song. the story progression and especially the part where their blasting off of earth are great.

over the moon - catchy and sweet. the chorus is my favorite part.

sky sharks - not really a fan of professor elemental, but i love the silliness of the song. strange things are happening but its so silly and presented silly. song gets dated with a 50 shades of grey reference.

hold me - sad, but lovely. the verses are cute.

gg the giraffe - cute lyrics! gg introduces herself and expects only gratitude for existing. gg voice is meant to be obnoxious however and makes the song a little hard to bear.

steam world heist (not including remakes of the songs)

what we need are some heroes - i fell in love with this song at first listen. such a depressed world, but hope is always on the horizon. im always a sucker for the spines voice. “forever and a day” always hits me hard for some reason. the chorus is so hopeful.

the red queen - grew on me. originally i was upset things payed into a red queen sense, but the sharp noises vocals and robotic laughing, well, that grows on a person. i loved all the staticy distorted noises.

the vast frontier - so chilling, hatchworth returns with his slightly morbid lyrics and wonderfully written music.

star scrap - another song i cant help but to sing with. a bit depressing, but fits the mood of the album. i love the ending

the stars - i love how space western this song is. back to the old roots, perhaps. again, im at the mercy of spines wonderful vocals. hatchworths verse is silly and cute and im not even mad it breaks the song up

prepare for boarding - i love the shifts in this song, they all work well to make the song interesting.

quintessential

only human - this song never fails to make me smile. hatchworth can sing and help me as much as he wants. sigh. he just wants things to be easier and better for us. i love the other robots interjections, but hatchworth is the real star of the show.

the ballad of delilah morreo - the rapid one right after the other beat of the lyrics and music make me love this song so much. the chorus is killer. “bat and beast and wolf and spider” always gets stuck in my head

overdrive - i love the echo that the band sings. everyone is so great in this song. hatchworth has the greatest lines but once the beat drops, oh boy. those harmonies. reminds you how robotic they are without being the same robotic they were in the first few albums. theyve been refined and fixed up. maybe not the biggest fan of the rap.

malfunction - this song can hit close to home. a different take on being wrong than something like wired wrong, but this one chooses to embrace those malfunctions. the chorus is lovely

photographic memories - maybe a bit slow at points, but sets up this new lover the spine seems to infatuated with. this isnt some fling, this is someone he wanted to spend his life with. the verses make the song, but the chorus doesnt holdout. the music in between verse keep you interested and the subtle changes keep you on your toes as the song shifts.

i dont have a name for it - such a charming, cute love song. i absolutely adore when the bots switch off singing words and parts of words. that up and down of their voices hits me just right.

sleep evil sleep - the lyrics are dreamy, but solidify in just the right moments. this song is about taking a break from the awfulness, just for one night.

blue portals - the chorus really keeps with you, another song where hatchworth just wants to do good, although this lets you see his more chaotic side.

salgexicon - honestly i still cant believe they made their dnd characters part of the spg lore. among hero songs, this one is pretty memorable, even if its cluttered with so many characters. the chorus gets stuck in your head, but the verses are what keep me interested. im glad salgexicon cries a lot but is still heroic.

leopold exeditus - i absolutely love the music that accompanies the song. the chorus is great and i love the divergence in the middle. “mozambique” is the best word ive ever heard get sung ever.

dream machine - a lovely closing piece, now that the evil sleeps, she can sleep and dream. seems almost like amsr during the verses.

love world of love - the beginning lyrics are my favorite, which make up for the repetitive chorus.

#steam powered giraffe #spg

[lovemesomesurveys]

5,000 question survey series--part thirty-one

2901. have you ever written a letter to: a friend: Nope. a lover: Nope. a celebrity: Yes. congress/house/reps: No. the president/leader of your country: Yes. 2902. Why are cigarette companies allowed to manufacture and sell cigarettes when they are so unhealthy and dangerous? They are getting rich on the deaths of the people you love who smoke. I don’t know, man. I do think it’s pretty messed up that it’s so easy to get cigarettes, but we now have to jump through hoops to get pain medications. People with chronic pain like me who seriously need it. With documented, legit reasons. Thankfully, I found a good pain specialist after my primary told me he no longer could prescribe. I had to go through a couple different ones, though. A family friend of ours; however, with diabetic neuropathy was told by his doctor that she “doesn’t believe in pain.” Wtf?? You are a doctor. It is scientifically proven that pain exists. We know this. Neurons shoot off signals and all that technical stuff. Something like diabetic neuropathy is known to cause pain, I mean it’s nerve damage. I couldn’t believe it. 2903. Do you chat with people in an elevator? No, unless they say something to me first. It’s always so awkward. 2904. What's your favorite Jack Nicholson movie? I don’t have one. 2905. Who should play the part of Superman? The guy who plays him now is fine. I’m blanking on his name at the moment...

2906. Do you like when your friends and your mate's friends hang out? I’m single. 2907. Doritos or Cheetos? I like both. I like the Nacho, Spicy Nacho, and Cool Ranch varieties of Doritos, and I like the Flamin’ Hot and Xtra Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. 2910. Do you brush your teeth three times a day? No. 2911. Should I stop making questions with multiple parts and just count each actual question as a question? Do what ya want. 2912. What gives your ego a boost? Nothing. 2913. What knocks your ego down? I don’t have an ego. I have low self-esteem and feel pretty crappy about myself regarding both my looks and my just me as a person. 2914. Live and let live or live and let die? Live and let live. 2915. What do you think of Damien Hirst's art piece Mother and Child, which is half a cow in formaldehyde? Whaaaaat? That sounds very disturbing. 2916. Why is it that 70 percent of Americans do not want to go to war with Iraq and yet we are going to war with Iraq anyway? Congress decides that.

Is this democracy? They have to vote within congress. 2917. Imagine you have two choices of what life you can live: One: You are provided with meals, medicine, clothes and shelter. You are always with your family. You can lie in the sun and smoke, drink, play, cook, etc.. There will be certain rules you must follow such as no killing, no hurting others, no leaving the commune you were born in, no stealing, no tv, no newspapers and no books. OR Two: You are turned loose in the world with nothing. You start out cold and hungry. You may stay cold and hungry forever but you also have the opportunity to try and make a life for yourself. This will take a lot of hard work and there is no guarantee you will ever live comfortably. Which life do you choose? Why? The second one is reality for some. The first one sounds good, but no TV and no books? I’m assuming that means no internet, either. Haha that’s my main concern of course. Just kidding. I guess; though, if I lived in a society like that, I wouldn’t know any different. I wouldn’t know about internet or what I was missing if I never had it. To have everything else provided for me and I can be with my family and we’re safe... I’d have to go with that. 2918. Why is there no 'Mr. America' pageant? Hm. I don’t know.

Should there be? Sure.

What qualities would YOU look for in a Mr. America if such a contest were to exist (like miss america he would have to be a role model)? A role model, yes. A respectable, intelligent, kind-hearted, caring, etc. All that good stuff. 2919. If something offends you do you feel that it has no right to exist? I mean, no? 2920. Why do advertisers seem to believe that guys will buy any product that a hot girl in a bikini is sitting next too? They’ve said for a long time that sex sells. They do the same thing with men in advertisements geared towards women. It catches people’s attention, and I guess it works. 2921. What would you do if your mom had a fight with a male acquaintance, and you heard an answering machine message he left her cursing at her, calling her names and being very disrespectful? There wouldn’t be a whole lot I could do. I’d be upset that someone was being so rude and disrespectful to my mom. My mom wouldn’t ignore something like that. She could handle it on her own, and she would. She’s not the type of person to just let that go. 2922. What do you represent? I don’t know. 2923. What message does ___ send when given as a birthday present? flowers: It’s nice. Can be a friendly gesture or a romantic one.

slippers: I don’t know. If that’s what the person asked for... otherwise it would seem a little weird and awkward.

candles: That can be nice.

diamond necklace: That would be a really nice gift. Very generous. That would likely be from a significant other, and it would be pretty serious.

gift certificate: Some people think gift certificates are lazy or not so.. personal? I like gift cards, though. Some people ask for them specifically.

cash: I’ll gladly take that as well.

books: I would love getting books. 2924. Have you ever completed a paint by number? Yeah.

If yes of what?/ I don’t remember. 2925. How long has it been since you colored in a coloring book? Like a few weeks. I want to start again, I just haven’t felt up to it. 2926. What have you been caught doing? Uhh. 2927. Does temptation make you do what you love? It can make me give into eating a lot of food. Ha. 2928. Do you have an gadgets in the house that you don't know how to use? What? Probably. 2929. Do you read the instructions to things or skip them? I read them, but I sometimes just skim through. 2930. Will you ever reach your full potential? I don’t feel like I will. 2931. Who is your biggest fan? My mom. Even though I feel like a failure and a loser and a let down... 2932. Who do you take care of? I guess myself, although not very well I admit. There’s a lot more I could and should be doing. I’ve been slacking with a lot of things. Stopped caring about certain things. Not good. :/

Who takes care of you? My parents. In the financial sense and in every other way. My mom, especially. She helps me a lot with health related things. She’s my rock. 2933. Do you think that lawyers should only argue cases when they feel like the client is in the right? I’ve wondered about that. How some will fight for someone who they may feel is actually in the wrong, but they want that money.

If you were a lawyer would you argue cases when you felt like your client was completely wrong? I don’t know if I could. 2934. Is it sexy in here or is it just me? It’s not sexy in here. 2935. You are giving out your phone number to a HOTTIE by writing it on a napkin. Do you write a little note or draw a picture too? If yes, what? I wouldn’t be doing any of that. 2936. Can you fold paper into anything (a hat, a swan, a boat, etc)? What? I suck at origami. 2937. How can a girl get a guy-she-is-dating's mom to like her better? What’s with the hyphens? You don’t need those there. Anyway, I don’t know. I’m just myself, and it seems to work when I when I meet anyone’s parents. 2938. What is one theory about life or anything that you came up with that no one else has? *shrug* 2939. Do you like answering questions about:

your life? I don’t usually mind in surveys. I ramble and overshare a lot. It’s a good way for me to vent. I’m certainly not that open in “real life.” I don’t spend much time talking about myself at all.

your taste? In what?

tv? Sure. I suck at choosing favorite TV shows, though. I have a lot.

music? ^^^

art? I don’t mind it. I don’t have a lot to say about it, though.

politics? Noo.

life? Guess it depends.

religion? I don’t mind being asked about it.

issues? Depends on what issue. I try and avoid the really controversial ones.

sex? I don’t have anything to talk about with that subject.

loved ones? Sure.

favorites? I always fail at those questions cause I can’t choose a particular favorite most of the time.

objects? That’s vague.

math? Nooo.

philosophy? Depends. Some of it can be over my head and a little too deep.

hypothetical situations? Sure.

things that require lots of thought? Depends. 2940. The mortuary science department is having a bake sale. Does this strike you as funny? It would sound disturbing. 2941. What would you think of a new reality tv game show where real life criminals on death row competed in life threatening tasks for the prize of a reduced sentence? I wouldn’t approve of that.

Did you know that they are considering making this a show? Nope.

Would you watch it? No. This survey is pretty old, and I’ve never heard anything about it. I don’t see how they could do a show like that. You can’t put people in life threatening situations. 2942. What was the last song you looked up the words to? I don’t remember. 2943. What Saturday morning cartoons do you like? Is that even a thing anymore? I miss that as a kid. 2944. If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible? I suppose so. 2944. What does the T in T-Shirt really mean? Hmm. I don’t know, actually. 2945. Would you alter your routine if there was a sniper in your area? That would be scary. 2946. Is castration a good punishment for extreme or repeat sexual offenders? They just need to rot in prison. 2947. If you are a girl have you ever experienced penis envy? No.

If you are a guy would you still want to live if you had to be castrated? What’s with the cutting off penises talk? 2948. Imagine you are teaching a class of sixth graders. A the start of the year you tell them, "If you come away with class and have learned only ONE THING, I hope that you learned....(finish the sentence) To treat others with kindness. 2949. If you were being interviewed for a job in a clothing store how would you sell yourself to the prospective employers? I don’t know. I’d probably wear something from that store for one. Learn a bit about the store’s history prior to the interview, and share that knowledge. Let them know that I love the store and all that. 2950. How do you stop pop up ads? That’s what ad blockers are for.

2951. You are alone. You take a bus to the mall. The stop is right in the mall parking lot. You window-shop. You don't buy anything. You want to get back on the bus to go home when you realize you have lost all your money. You have no cell phone. All the payphones are jammed with gum. You can not get it out. How do you get the $1.50 you need to get on the bus and get home??? That would be horrible. When you say I’m alone, I’m guessing that doesn’t mean I’m alone at the mall, right? That would be scary. I’d be freaking out, but I guess I’d have to ask to use someone’s phone and call a ride.

2952. How long would it take you to organize your bedroom? I don’t know. I need to clean out my closet. 2953. Make up a nickname for your bedroom: Giraffe habitat, ha. I have a lot of giraffe stuffed animals and knickknacks. 2954. What comes after:

“I've got a love-a-lee bunch of coconuts (diddly dee) There they are a-standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head...”

I have no idea. 2955. Where ARE the wild things? Good question. Does the book ever say? I’ve never read it, and I’ve never seen the movie. 2956. You get a six cd changer for the car, only problem is that you know that once you put in six cd's you can NEVER take them out. Which 6 cd's do you put in? I’d have to make mixed CDs then. I don’t know what songs I’d choose, though. That’s why I love my Spotify playlists. I have a ton of songs. 2957. Let's play Jeapordy. (Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Dooooo-) I'll give some answers..you give the questions. Ready? Begin. The answer is: Purple

Yellow What is lemons?

Candle Pepsi Peace Lisa Cotton Flag 42 ^^ Those aren’t really questions.

2958. Pick a letter. F.

List some great words starting with that letter: Food, funnel cake, fruit, fun, family... 2959. Is eight days a week enough to show you care? What. 2960. Have you told your parents you love them today? It’s only been today for fifty-seven minutes. It’s after midnight, and they’re asleep. 2961. What is the difference between a number two pencil and any other kind of pencil? Others are dull or something? 2962. Have you ever cross-dressed? No. 2963. Are we living in a world without end? I don’t think so. 2964. What do you think of that couple that was just on the news who kidnapped a 16 year old girl for a week and forced her to be their sex slave? That is absolutely sick and horrible to say the very least. That poor girl. :( 2965. Wanna watch a movie about a cheerleading competition? So, Bring it On? I’ve watched that and movies like it. 2966. Are you singing in the rain? Nope. 2967. Should the sopranos actors have been allowed to march in the St Patrick's Day parade? I know nothing about that. 2968. Is oral sex. anal sex or regular sex more intimate? Sex is pretty intimate, I would say. 2969. Is it time to switch to Decaf? Neverrrrrr. 2970. Why is it that the truth hurts? Because sometimes it’s not something we want to hear or accept. Or It can be something negative and, well, hurtful. 2971. How do you feel about: ticketmaster? It’s a good site to get tickets? I don’t really feel any kind of way about it otherwise. I haven’t used it much.

scalpers? Sketchy. 2972. What are you guilty of? Eating too much junk food. 2973. Have you ever done any of the following in order to catch a buzz or get high? sniffed glue: No.

sniffed magic markers: No.

ate paste: No.

drank Nyquil, Robitussen or any other Over-the-counter drug: I’ve only had those for their intended use with the right dosage.

'huffed' (inhaled or sniffed) any kind of fabric softner, cooking spray or other household product: No.

whip-its: Nope. 2974. What gives you inner stregnth? I don’t know. I’m lacking that. 2975. ::eyes you suspiciously::Where have all the COOKIES gone? I ate ‘em all. 2976. What is a good gift for someone you don't like so that it SEEMS to be nice but really 'gets' them somehow? I wouldn’t do that. 2977. If you don't like the service at a restraunt would you skip the tip? They might get less of one, but I wouldn’t skip out on it. Unless it was THAT bad.

Why or why not? Because. 2978. Apples or peaches or pumpkin pie? None of those. 2979. What Race/nationality was Jesus? That’s debated a lot. 2980. What was one evening you'll never forget? Hm I don’t know. 2981. Name 13 ways to look at a blackbird: 2982. Trick or Treat? Treat, please. 2983. If you had money to burn, what 'toy' would you spend your money on (think monopoly game with real money, luxory boat, a train layout that takes up a house, etc.)? Hmm... 2984. Are you having trouble with aol 8.0? I haven’t used AOL in a long, long, long time.

Or if you don't have aol...have you ever been to a podiatrist? Well that’s a jump. No, I haven’t been to a podiatrist. 2985. If you could write your own ten commandments, what would they be? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 2986. When people lose weight, where does it go? It burns off. 2987. Your mate/partner/wife or husband/longterm boy or girlfriend/etc. has SOMEHOW gotten his or her FAVORITE celebrity's attention. Your sweetie has always thought this celeb was so sexy and now the celeb kinda fancies your sweety as well(although the celeb is not interested enough to stick around for more than one night). Your sweetie wants to have a one night stand with the celeb. Knowing that this is your sweeties one and only chance to bang (or even hang out with) a celebrity (ESPECIALLY their FAVORITE celebrity) you would say: No. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be okay with me having sex with Alexander Skarsgard. Just because it’s a celebrity, they’re still people. Another person. Who isn’t me. That they’re having sex with. That’s cheating, my friend. 2988. Have you ever seen an Ed Wood film? I don’t know.

if yes, what one(s) and what did you think? I’m not familiar with that.

If no, aren't you curious to see a movie by the person known as the worst director of all time? Wow. 2989. What kind of bread do you like to eat (white, rye, potatoe, grain, whole wheat, etc)? Wheat bread. 2990. Are you emotionaly articulate? I pretty much suck at expressing myself emotionally. Or at all. 2991. Does everything happen for a reason? Yes. 2992. Do you take a piece of those you have loved and carry it around forever? Yes, absolutely.

If yes, than aren't they still with you even when you are gone? Yes. They will always have a spot in my heart. 2993. Is it true that the child is worth ten of the parent? I don’t know what that means. 2994. Can you think of a door that has closed in your life? Yes.

Can you think of a window that has opened? Yes. 2995. What does this mean to you: 'Necessity is the mother of invention'? If there is is a demand or need for something, that helps lead to the invention of it?

Do you believe that necessity is also the mother of: courage? I don’t know.

survival skills? Well, those are necessary.

independence? Uhhh. 2996. What helps you to get over a Major heartache? I’m not the one to ask about that. I don’t handle it well. 2997. Can you depend completely upon yourself? I don’t feel like I can.

have you ever tried? In some ways, maybe? I don’t know. 2998. How can you tell the difference between the end of one part of your life and the beautiful beginning of the next part? Maybe sometimes you can’t. 2999. Have you ever read an stories by Kate Chopin? No. If not, I suggest that you do. Maybe. 3000. Do you often make the best discoveries when you really weren't looking for anything (or anyone)? Sometimes.

#personal #text #survey #surveys #5000 question survey

[subterraniamania]

The Catastrophic History of You and Me by Jess Rothenberg

by: Allen Tan

“Shot through the heart and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name”. A fifteen-year-old girl died, because of a broken heart, big woop right? It could’ve been just an accident? A heart attack? A stroke? But no, somehow in some way a girl dies because of heartbreak, a legit heartbreak. You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi is like one of the main theme songs for this book. This song is the most relevant song for this book because it is one of the songs that served as a kick-starter for this book because of what happened to our main character, Brie, literally and figuratively. And oh boy, what can I say, that is how you start a story.

Before we dive into the review of this book, let us give a background on the author. Jess Rothenberg is a writer and a freelance editor. She grew up in Charleston, South Carolina. She was one of the former editors of books, such as the #1 International Bestselling Vampire Academy series. The Catastrophic History of You and Me is actually her debut novel, a teen flick drama has been translated into multiple languages.

The book mainly focuses on how to move on by going through the five stages of grief which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What does a person, I mean a dead person, do to fully be free from all the unfinished business she had on earth, which we will see in the book that she will struggle, hard. But now as she is D&G (dead and gone) as the book said, she was transported to a little pizza place named Slice. There she met a lot of dead kids and adults, but just one boy caught her eye, and that boy’s name is Patrick. With Patrick as a new “friend” of hers, he will help her learn the concept of time and space of being dead, the way she can interact with the things in the living world while her still being on the realm of the dead. As she is going through each stage of grief, Patrick is also there to help her know all the rules and regulations of being undead and supports Brie how she comes to terms with her newly found problems. And as you can read from the title, we can tell that this will be a very emotional book.

Rothenberg did not miss any detail, from the imagery of her words to describe the place that the characters were in, to the feelings and emotions of each character that you can almost experience those moments as if you are there with them. And I gotta say, with this being her first book, it is very impressive. She did not waste any of the characters that were mentioned in the story, she completely utilized each and every character to make them relevant for the story. She doesn’t leave out any lose details, from memories and objects that were mentioned now, can be a foreshadowing that is a page-turner for the story.

 The way she addressed all the stages of grief with accuracy and carefulness that this can possibly what a person is going through during this stage. With denial, being the stage that is very overwhelming and meaningless and sometimes can be the longest stage that a person can go through in all the five stages, in which Rothenberg took advantage of being the stage with the longest number of pages. Anger seems to be endless suffering for Brie, with her being frustrated on what had happened to her friends and family after she died and the fact that she can’t do anything is causing her pain but with it, the more she’s angry the more she gets to heal. Bargaining, this stage of the book may be the most painful and relatable thing to read because of the way Rothenberg had written this part, the desperation on how Brie wants and begs to go back to the normal life she had with her friends and family. In which, we can relate it to ourselves as we would bargain anything just for our friends and family or just anything you wanted so badly, but never getting it at all. Now depression and acceptance are one of the shortest chapters of all the five stages because in this part of the book, she got nothing else to do and she felt hopeless which leads to her depression but with her depression and all that she had been through after all this, she finally accepts the fact that she can no longer go back to having a normal life, and in which, sometimes, is the best way to move on.

The Catastrophic History of You and Me by Jess Rothenberg is the first book that I read, besides the textbooks from school, that I truly enjoyed and finished. From page 0 to the last page, and to the last print of the book. Well, considering that our subject in school forced me to read one, but I, nevertheless, am thankful for forcing me to read and taking my time to relax and let my imaginations run wild with this book. This book talks about being dead with unfinished business on Earth, and Jess Rotherberg’s spin of the afterlife is pretty unique considering the usual picks on the afterlife are chaotic and scary while in this book it's just really sad and lonely, which is very very relatable.

 I liked the idea of falling back into the world from her new, after-death world, and the fact that, no matter how hard Brie tried, she could not find her way “home” in the after-life. Both details helped separate the world of the living from the world of the dead, serving as another reminder of how the place she is in now may look the same, but actually isn’t. Largely, I think the reason why I enjoyed The Catastrophic History of You and Me so much is its format. Brie’s story is told in a perfect medley of flashbacks and “real-time”, seamlessly moving back and forth between the past and the present and Brie’s current reflections. I was a little wary when I realized that Brie was visiting the past out of order, remembering things as they came but not necessarily in the order in which they happened. And yet, surprisingly, Jess Rothenberg makes this organization work, and work well. Reading about Brie’s memories in the order in which she remembered them, in the order in which they meant something to her after she had died, felt authentic. It made Brie seem realistic (well, even more, realistic than she already seemed).

 In conclusion, I loved this book. I would definitely recommend this book to be read immediately because it is so relatable in all aspects of our relationships, like friends, family, and love. It highlights the complexities of certain situations, how there are multiple sides to every story, many ways of seeing things from different perspectives. Jess Rothenberg implements these elements in this novel amazingly, highlighting how aspects of various relationships — the friendship between characters, the connection between a parent and a child, a romantic entanglement of any sort — can be more complicated than they seem on the surface. The things Brie learns about the people in her life through her journey in this book are invaluable, both for her as a character and for us, the readers. I would rate this book an 8 out of 10.

#ReadingandWritingBookReview

[purplesurveys]

763

Why did you last feel like crying? My thesis was making me anxious and the songs off of Petals for Armor are still very fresh and are resonating with me very strongly for now, so those things happening at the same time nearly made me cry over breakfast.

How long ago and why did you last feel infuriated? Infuriated is a strong word. I suppose I last felt it when I heard the news of the police shooting a former soldier with PTSD for going out without his face mask on to get groceries. You don’t fucking KILL anyone for not having a mask, you educate them and you fucking give them one.

Do emotions control you or do you control your emotions? Uhhh it really depends. Most of the time I always want to address stuff maturely and make sure my emotions are in check before I respond to anything; but there are also times I’ll give myself a treat and allow myself to be petty, letting my emotions control me.

Do you keep your friends secrets/private information to yourself? Some secrets will make it to Gabie, but I mainly tell her only because she’s so forgetful and will forget most details in the next hour. I don’t tell her much more personal secrets, like if someone came out to me.

What negative quality do your friends bring up the most? We don’t really have talks where we talk about our negative qualities; my friends and I do have similar talks, but instead what we do is we’ll raise events in the past where one of us may have annoyed another and be like, “I actually didn’t like when you did/said this or that before.” I’m lucky to have good friends who can be honest and mature about this kind of stuff.

What quality do you think you have that others don't think you do? You’d have to ask them first. I don’t always keep track of how people think of me.

Do you often "jump" to conclusions? Only when I’m expecting a worst-case scenario to happen. I like to always expect the worst so that the actual outcome doesn’t disappoint me as much.

Do you find being alone with strangers scary, interesting or indifferent? It ranges from wary to completely uncomfortable. I never find the prospect of being surrounded by strangers ‘interesting.’

Do you think you know a lot about the world? Definitely not. I’m incredibly young and I know very little outside of my home and school, so I’m currently holding a weird excitement for graduating and getting a job and finally getting to know the rest of the world bit by bit.

What about the world do you wish you never found out? I don’t think like that. I embrace reality lol give me all the bad, worse, and worst news.

Do you know first aid? We had a) health classes throughout high school that taught us first aid and b) a couple of first aid seminars for NSTP in college. Our final exam in freshman year was for each of us to demonstrate CPR to a mannequin. But for some reason, I still haven’t gotten basic first aid down to a T. I think because I’ve never had to use my learnings in an emergency situation, I always end up forgetting them over time.

Does the sight of blood make you feel sick? Oh my god fuck yes, especially my own. Gabie’s nose also bleeds all the time and I always have to excuse myself because I can’t handle the blood, but it also makes me feel like shit that I can’t even help my own girlfriend lmao. I find it so weird because I’ll have no problem watching pro wrestling which has so much more legit blood in it.

Does your first name have an L in it? It does not, but my second and middle names do.

Middle name have a C in it? No. My last name does. You’re always one name off hahaha.

Last name have a R in it? No, but my first does. Catch up bruh.

Do your initials spell a legitimate word? If so, what? No.

The word above, does it have any connection to you at all?

Do you prefer classic rock or nope alternative? I have no idea what nope alternative is but that’s a hilarious typo if it’s one. I do listen to alternative music, but nothing classic rock.

Do you like Kings of Leon? Just their songs that went on to become popular. 

How about The Script? Ah no, was never a fan. I don’t get the appeal of their songs, but they’re so wildly popular here I can’t even begin to tell you just how much. They’ve been to Manila 4 or 5 times, which is already essentially equivalent to a million times when it comes to international acts coming to the Philippines. A lot of artists come here, but very very few come back.

Does crying make you feel better? It doesn’t make me feel better, but it does serve as a nice release.

Do you know a girl called Becca? Yup, one of Rita’s older sisters.

How about a guy called Gregory? Not that name exactly but the Spanish/Italian version, Gregorio. We called him Greg. He was a super brief member of our org but he ghosted us not long after he passed the application. 

Does someones background effect whether you'll be friends with them or not? Background effect made me imagine different auras that people would come with if that we’re possible, like stars or hearts hahahaha. ANYWAY it would definitely depend on what aspect of ‘background’ we’re talking about. Someone’s ethnic or racial background wouldn’t bother me at all, but if they just came out of prison for raping someone I wouldn’t want to be around them, especially if their behavior is still a bit off.

How about their religious background? I preferably wouldn’t want to hang out with anyone who’s a devout, by-the-book Christian because our beliefs would wildly clash and they’ll just ruin any conversation. I wouldn’t even be able to talk about my girlfriend, for instance.

If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? No.

Do you drink tea and/or coffee every day? I used to drink coffee everyday this quarantine, but I had to stop because I was starting to get headaches often. I drink it probably 2-3 times a week now.

Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? Not really. I don’t think I ever said “I want to be a chef like my dad,” or something along those lines as a kid.

How about a fashion designer? No.

Do you wish that magic was real? Not really. I’m fine with the fact that they’re all tricks, it actually makes it more entertaining that way.

What food would you love to wipe off the face of the earth? Eh, at least one person likes each kind of food and I wouldn’t wanna rob them of their joy.

Can you use a bottle opener? I haven’t even tried using one.

Do you own a cheese grater? Yup.

What time will it be in 38 minutes time? 7:18 PM.

What day/date will it be in 11 days time? It’ll be May 21st, a Thursday.

Have you ever owned a pet fish? Yup, just several goldfish as a kid.

Do you prefer fire or ice? Ice.

Do you rap along with rap songs? If I memorize the verses then yeah I can’t help but rap along.

When happy, do you become more talkative? I think so. I get very chatty when with Gabie so that’s probably why.

Bowling or sailing? Why? Bowling, only because I’ve never been sailing. I bet if I were to sail, I’d prefer that, though. < Yup, exactly this. Bowling is fun though!

What colour is your kettle? The one we have is silver. I don’t have my own.

How about your microwave? It is black.

Do you prefer sitting in the front or back of a car? Most of the time I’m the one driving, so that makes me pick front by default haha. When I’m not driving though I really prefer sitting at the back as I rarely get to feel like a passenger anymore.

How about in a train? On the bus? I’ve only ridden a train once but wasn’t able to form an opinion about it. When it comes to the bus, it’s always fun being at the back haha especially when I’m riding with friends.

Do you care about politics? Yes, but my concern is mostly for our own. I’m not up to speed with other countries’ governments; I only know enough to form a general opinion about their highest leader, like how Trump is a piece of shit.

Obama or Bush? Obama.

Blair or Brown? I don’t pay much attention to UK politics. < This. But the royal family, that’s a different story HAHAHA

When did you last cook something from scratch? I *helped* my dad bread chicken several few weeks ago, if that counts.

What things make you jealous? I don’t feel jealous a lot, but when I do it’s usually just FOMO.

Are you offended easily by non politically correct language? Sure, especially if the people using them aren’t willing to be educated.

Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right? Can’t relate.

Do you feel hungry, thirsty, sleepy or none of the above? I’m hungry since it’s time for dinner. I’m just waiting for my dad to finsh up cooking.

What's your I.Q?   I dunno, I’ve never had it checked.

What's your Mum's Mum called? How about your Dad's Dad? I call both sets of grandparents the traditional Filipino way, Lola for my grandmas and Lolo for my grandpas.

Do you prefer crepes, pancakes or waffles? Waffles > pancakes > crepes. I’ve never even had crepes before.

Do you have ice-cream in your fridge right now? Yeah I think so. We always have enough supply of it in the freezer because both of my parents love their ice cream.

How about chicken nuggets? I think we do but it hasn’t been touched in a while since my dad has preferred preparing real food throughout the quarantine haha.

Do you eat fish often? Yes, both cooked and as sushi. Fish is a huge part of Filipino cuisine because duh, we’re surrounded by water. My family will typically have tuyo, danggit, or dilis (kinds of sun-dried fish) for breakast and you can always find a fish dish or two at birthday parties, whether on its own or relleno (stuffed).

Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one{s}? I haven’t. There was a time I wanted to, but I didn’t pursue it because I thought I was too thin and unfit to try it out.

Do you know anyone who is scared of you? Probably.

What person who has died would you bring back and why? Nacho. It wasn’t his time yet.

Do you like watermelon? I like some watermelon-flavored stuff like popsicles, but I don’t eat the fruit.

Can you remember the month of your first kiss? January 24, 2015. Couple steps ahead of ya.

Do you make friends easily? I make acquaintances easily, but I choose who to let into my inner circle. I’d make more friends if I wanted to, but I just choose not to.

What makes you different from everyone else? I honestly don’t know. My interests are pretty common and I haven’t had anything super unique happen to me.

I give you a piece of paper. What do you draw/write on it? Practice my alma mater’s penmanship, which is always my go-to when I’m asked to write anything haha.

What pictures or photos are up in your lounge? Is this a Myspace thing? Lol I don’t really have my photos ‘up’ anywhere on my social media; my accounts just show the latest ones I uploaded.

Do you like purple and white patterned things? It wouldn’t be the first one I’d choose, no.

Do you know anyone called Pipa? No, but my sister went to school with a Pipay. I think her full name was Piper.

I say purple, you think... My great-grandmother. She loved purple and had it everywhere in her home.

What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? I don’t know. I’d rather people who know me answer this as they might be able to come up with different answers, and it’d be interesting to see how they see me.

Do you like being complimented or does it make you uncomfortable? It’s nice to be recognized but overall I’m shit at accepting them. 

Does the description of your starsign correspond with your personality? My astrology-believing friends tell me that they match, but I don’t believe in astrology so I don’t think about it all that much and mostly think of it as coincidence.

Do you have a photo album? Yeah my mom was big on albums from when my siblings and I were infants to when we reached pre-teen years. Each of us have two photo albums.

What artists’ paintings do you find the most beautiful? Monet’s.

What about the most disturbing? I find it more sad than disturbing, but I’ve always been affected by artists who made self-portraits as their health was deteriorating over the years.

Have you ever gone to a camp or summer school? I attended a summer sports clinic for swimming when I was 9.

What was your favourite cartoon as a child? Spongebob. Fairly OddParents was a very very very close second because it was just as funny as Spongebob.

What was your biggest fear as a child? Introducing myself. I always got bullied for my name and got called a tomboy/boy for it more than once, so I was conditioned to be nervous whenever I had to introduce myself and say my own name.

Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? Fly, so I can travel anywhere hah.

What about invisibility or mindreading? Probably invisibility. There are stuff I’d discover in reading minds that I think I’m better off not knowing and I find it a tad bit invasive than being invisible.

Do you like what you see in the mirror? Sure. Just not so much these days since I never get to dress up or fix myself up anymore.

Which stereotype do you dislike the most? Offensive ones.

Can you remember all your past teachers names? There’ll be some grade-subject combos I’ve forgetten about by now, like I no longer remember my 3rd grade English teacher for one. But my memory in general is still quite impressive and I remember most of my past teachers.

Do you like talent shows? Which ones? I wouldn’t tune in to them religiously but I do love Golden Buzzer compilations from America’s/Britain’s Got Talent.

Have you ever failed an important exam? In what? Only in high school, and it was the more advanced math/science subjects that I really could not start to care for, like chemistry and calculus.

Do you find people taller than you intimidating? Kinda? Filipinos are very tiny people so whenever I meet a foreigner I always have to crane my neck all the way up and it does scare me a little bit hahaha.

Do you think you are better than people of a different country/background? Not at all.

What's your favourite thing about your country? I suppose the tourism side of it is wonderful. We’ve always been known for our hospitality, our tour guides are always so friendly and funny, we have beautiful beaches and islands, and Filipinos are generally a nice people and very easy to get along with.

What's your least favourite thing about your country? The colonization, the government, and people who continue to glorify the government as if they can’t do anything wrong.

Who is your favourite bzoinker? I have several favorite survey-makers but I’m too shy to mention them on here lol.

What websites do you have bookmarked? I have soooooooooooo many bookmarks.

Do you use bows and ribbons to decorate your gifts? I’ll stick a bow on a Christmas gift if I have one, but otherwise no. < Same, I only get real decorative for Christmas.

Do you listen to the same type of music as your parents? What type is that? Not at all. My mom is really into cheesy 80s and 90s love songs and I just can’t imagine myself listening to those on my own time lmao. My dad doesn’t have much of a music taste.

What TV show scared you as a kid? Mr. Meaty. What the fuck was that. < HAHAHAHAHAHA this fucking show. That was such a mess; I never understood it but I found it so hilarious. Anyway, I don’t think I was scared of any show as a kid.

Family Guy, The Simpsons or South Park? Why? The Simpsons. Family Guy’s jokes can sometimes go too far, and isn’t South Park just blatantly offensive? The humor in The Simpsons is just right for me.

#survey #surveys

[xiaobanh]

too many tags lol

so i got tagged by ppl for tag games 50 years ago so i figured i’d just do them all at once LOL thanks to those who tagged me! i tag anyone who wants to do this :D

tagged by: @the-exocist​ , @fuckingminseok​ , @chabakan​

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better Nickname: tiff Starsign: sagittarius Height: 5′3 Time right now: 6:07pm Last thing I googled: ready for it taylor swift review (wasn’t sure if i liked it or not LOL) Favorite music artist: IU, exo, beyonce Song stuck in my head: crawl out of love - illenium Last movie I watched: inglorious basterds (so good omg) What are you wearing right now: gray tank top and shorts When did you create this blog: uhmmm august of 2012??? What kind of stuff do you post: well now it’s a lot of photography and aesthetic stuff LOL Do you have any other blogs: i do, but they’re both inactive and i’m planning on deleting one  Do you get asks regularly: nah, i’ll get one every now and then (whenever @174cents​ sends me an ask lol) Why did you choose your URL: in a roommate episode with pcy, he was keeping score for a game and he drew them in a really cute way so everyone called him chancasso  Gender: Female Hogwarts House: ravenpuff :D Favorite Color: i love pink Average hours of sleep: around 7 hours?? Lucky number: 9 Favorite character: hermione granger! How many blankets do you sleep with: 2, one covers the bed and the other covers me :D Dream job: biology teacher Following: 111

Posts: 1131 (used to be like 30,000 something but i cleared out a LOT)

Dream Trip: a stop in all the countries around the world, done in one year

Favourite celebrity: uhmmm chris pratt, john krasinski, emilia clark, zendaya

Favourite book: Dairy of a wimpy kid (I can relate so much to it,lol)

This or That Tag

1. Disney or Studio Ghibli? Studio Ghibli all the way 2. A book or a movie? both! 3. Comedies or scary movies? comedies pls scary movies make me so paranoid 4. Emotional or logical? i’m logical sometimes but i’m also very very emotional lol 5. Pastel colors or dark colors? Pastels 6. Candles or incense? Candles 7. Summer or winter? winter, i’m over summer 8. Museum or aquarium? both tbh 9. Halloween or Christmas? christmas aLL THE WAY 10. Peppermint or spearmint? are they not the same.... 11. Cake or pie? Cake 12. Forests or fields? Forests 13. Morning shower or evening shower? mornings, but i dislike having to wake up 30 mins earlier :( 14. Massive mansion or cozy cottage? Cozy cottage 15. Dinosaur kid or space kid? SPACE

questions questions ^^

Tagged by: @influentyeol (thank u cynthia <333)

1. Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

what

2. What were you doing at 11PM last night?

watching inglorious basterds with my best friend

3. How do you feel about 3AM?

3 am is very peaceful and quiet and if i’m awake i’m either watching a drama or studying for a test

4. I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

nOPE

5. You can drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

water (noice cynthia)

6. Do you like hickeys?

yes, but preferably in a place that can be easily covered by clothes (i don’t trust concealer bc it rubs off D:)

7. Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

right now, nope!

8. Do you always answer your texts?

i’m actually really bad at answering texts/message bc i’m rly busy during the day and i get tired when i’m at home, but i try my best to answer within 2-3 days

9. Last time you talked to one of your best friends?

on the phone, yesterday. over message, like 2 mins ago

10. Are you a silent or talkative person?

i’m fairly talkative, i like meeting new people, but if i’m in class or smth i won’t talk to ppl i don’t know unless i need to

11. Is anyone else in the room with you?

nope

12. Do you cry easily?

not really, i only cry when i’m watching a movie or a kdrama

13. What is your family like?

p cool, we’ve been through a lot but we’re okay now

14. What was your last text message?

i’ll see you friday then! (to the student i’m tutoring lol)

15. Most embarrassing moment?

so like i was at this party for labor day at my friend’s house and everyone was in the pool swimming and then someone was like ‘let’s have a race’ and i’m like hECK YES bc i used to be a competitive swimmer and swimming gets me excited but like i forgot i had on a bikini and that bikinis are definitely not ideal for competitive swimming and i was like all ready, and then when i push off the wall my boTTOMS ALMOST COME COMPLETELY OFF so like while i’m swimming across this tiny ass pool i’m like frantically trying to pull them up with each stroke and like not only did that happen, i also finished LAST and to this day i still don’t know if anyone saw my buttcrack while i was swimming

16. If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

i was about to say one on my nose, but i don’t think i’m edgy enough to rock a nose piercing LMFAO

17. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

i’m so glad i’m done with summer classes

18. Where are you going on your next vacation?

no idea tbh i haven’t gone on a legit vacation in a while

19. Where have you lived most of your life?

socal

20. Do you curse around your parents?

uhmmm i haven’t said anything worse than ‘shit’ around them i think lol

21. Are you happy with where you live?

i guess so, like i’ve been at my house for like 3/4 years now and there are times where i still miss my old neighborhood bc the neighbors were so nice there, and like this neighborhood is so suburban and the ppl are all like fake nice, but we keep to ourselves and i like my room so i’m happy

22. Words you can’t spell half the time?

massachusetts and sagittarius LOL

23. What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

watching inglorious basterds with my best friend

24. Do you cook?

every now and then

25. Name four things that you wish you had!

money, my own apartment

26. Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

yeah!

27. How is your hair?

the bottom half is messed up bc of bleach so i gotta get it cut and redone lol i rly wanna do a gray ombre

28. Think back to January 2007, were you single?

YES LMAO i was like 11 then omg

29. Are you nice to everyone?

i try to be!

30. How do you feel about sea aquariums?

I LVOE THEM

music shuffle thingy! i’m supposed to put my music on shuffle and post it

tagged by: @pcyoshie​

1. if i get drunk today - suran

2. it’s you - super junior

3. no jam - kisum

4. congratulations - day6

5. i’ll pick you up - standing egg

6. good thing - NCT 127

7. drip, drip, drip - standing egg

8. i like that - sistar

9. wind beneath your wings - mc the max

10. second lover - standing egg ft. san e

i recommend all these songs tbh other than good thing, i like that, and no jam, they’re all p mellow and great for studying/relaxing ^^

All Tag Game

Tagged by: @the-19th-cloud (deactivated :( )

Rule: list your URL in song titles 

C - complex - zion t ft. g-dragon

H - how do you think - cheeze

A - and july - heize ft. dean 

N - no makeup - zion t

C - cover up - taeyeon

A - all for you - seo in guk & eunji

S - stay - blackpink

S - stop the rain - eric nam

O - oasis - crush ft. zico

If you receive this, post random things about yourself and then pass it on.

i’m currently a student teacher and i’m enjoying it so much :’)

i’m no longer in a relationship and i am happier now

i really like pretty/aesthetic things

i love my dog

her name is maisie

and i love her

Rules: 9 questions, 9 answers and 9 cute people (or as many as you want ☺️)

1. What was the last movie you saw?

inglorious basterds

2. What was the last song you listened to?

crawl outta love - illenium

3. What was the last show you watched?

the office

4. What was the last book you read?

game of thrones by george rr martin

5. What was the last thing you ate?

noodles with stir fried veggies and tofu

6. If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

i’m happy where i’m at now LOL

7. If you won the lotto and millions of cash, what would be the first thing you buy?

pay off the house, finish paying for uni, and then save the rest LOL

8. What fictional character would you like to hang out with for a day?

jon snow bc you know.... ;)

9. What was the last fandom you joined?

rick and morty!

#text #personal

[saturnianrhythm]

questions i felt like answering

answering for both my long-standing deity kintype, and my relatively new one

1. What are you (prophet, God, angel, etc)? two deities

2. What or Who do you represent? stargod: travel, travelers, maps, direction, balance, polaris, ursa minor, and i am the prince of and main representative for every star and constellation feargod: fear, worry, insomnia, anxiety, nightmares, illness, and very minor control over fire and blood (when either is involved with ill will)

3. What do you look like? stargod: i had two forms - a literal star core, and my humanoid form had short wavy silver hair, glowing light blue/white eyes, near-alabaster skin, and raven-black wings with a blue sheen and silver accents. while humanoid, i wore a shimmering silver laurel wreath with a light-as-feathers light blue himation over a chiton feargod: im legit not sure about this one but i think i was a shadow monster a lot

4. Colors/animals/objects associated with you? stargod: silver, sky blue, dark blue, ravens, maps, scales feargod: black, red, white, wolves, claws, bones, teeth, blood, darkness

5. What are you trying to achieve? i dont fully understand this?? cause those kintypes are past lives, i dont really have control over those things anymore...but i guess im trying to be as kind as stargod, and as fearless as feargod

6. What band/artist gives you divine feelings? its moreso songs, not simply the people behind them

7. (for Prophets) How do you interpret messages?

8. Do you have any other limbs that your human self doesn’t? (Horns, wings, etc)? stargod had feather wings on his back, while feargod had sharper teeth and claws, maybe bat-like wings

9. (for Gods) What do you like as offerings? stargod: parts of meals thrown into the fire usually, stuff like moonwater or sunwater, pieces of valuables if you’re a devotee, uhh...idk much else for them but i think a prayer you could do was like, burn a piece of a map with your destination in mind, and it’d give me the hint to help out. feargod: blood (obviously), animal sacrifice (prey only), sometimes human sacrifice (those who have done a considerable amount of wrong) if you wanted my help during war, stolen things i think, bones/teeth, and red or black things (roses, fabric, stained paper, etc). burning a valuable/cherished item was also a direct prayer to me for personal protection in things like love or family matters (yea i was a dick in my rites but my moms the love goddess for petes sake, i govern worries and if you’re desperate and innocent enough i got your back) 10. Why are you here on Earth right now? Andy (my tarot deck) says this; “to follow my intuition and dreams, to face my fears, and change.” 11. Do you have powers? In those lives? yea. I don’t have the power I used to as a human with limited intuitive direction. 12. What element relates to you? stargod - water and fire (thanks to mom and dad) feargod - fire i guess? 13. Is there something (a book, movie, myth) that is similar to you? or reminds you of yourself? i actually cant think of anything for stargod! but feargod is literally Phobos, i just call him feargod to match stargod, whose name i dont remember. 14. How old are you? i dont have definite ages for either of them stargod was born after human’s creation by Helios and Selene in order to look after them and guide them, after the whole Prometheus thing feargod was born somewhere after the time Ares and Aphrodite got together, but where that is in relation to human history in that universe is unknown as of right now 15. Do you have dominion over anything? this was technically answered with #2 16. Do you know any of your mythology? ahhh i take most of the Official Greek God History (TM) with a grain of salt cause i dont believe most of it is canon for me,,,which rly sucks for this life cause i still worship Greek Gods and they had different history here but it’s hard to wrap my head around,, (Helios and Selene being siblings??? what??????) 17. Do you write poetry, paint, to express your divinity? if not, do you do something else? !!! i dont usually! I want to but I dont have materials to paint or the right words for poetry but i really wanna! I’ve drawn a few memories tho! usually I just reblog kin pics, or vent about memories to anyone who will listen. 18. (for Prophets, angels) do you know who your God is? 19. When and how did you know you were divine? hooooooooo shit.....i dont remember when i realized i was the stargod?? being my first divine kintype...i think i was just joking like “lmao if i was divinekin i’d probs be a god of stars or some shit smh” but then i couldnt get it outta my mind...next thing i know i’m waist-deep in memories and sobbing. 20. Any advice for those unsure/new to their divinity? honestly, if you’re questioning being divine in a previous life, specifically a god, more often than not it’s something you either think about from time to time or something you’re super passionate about...it doesn’t even really have to be something you know a lot about or do a lot or are really good at. 21. What are your views on humans? stargod: oh man...this is actually very conflicting...when he was born he saw humans like a mother sees their newborn child. as time wore on they were like my kids, but in a more casual sense. when shit went down leading up to my death though? horrid creatures. deserving of the worst pains. rot. burn. die. ....i was not ok... feargod: pretty much how dying-stargod felt. vermin, disgusting vile things, all of them are dead to me anyways....but the thing is, unlike my twin brother, i had a very soft spot for innocence like young kids, babies, kind-hearted people...yea. if someone killed an innocent person i got pissed and probably considered cursing their bloodline. 22. What would your place of worship look like? stargod was mostly privately worshiped, so i only had portable altars, maybe some good-luck-charm for more traveller-oriented places.....feargod tho? entire temples. granted, they’re small, and meant mostly for warriors, but they’re there. 23. Do you know the rules of your afterlife (if there are any)? stargod was directly involved with the human afterlife...or rather, my assistants were, while i oversaw their actions and guided lost souls. my assistants were responsible for judging and placing souls passing through the afterlife. i dont know what its like being a ghost from that world, but to me everyone just looked like a human, though ghosts were a bit greyed out?

24. What’s your most and least favorite thing about being divine? from both lives, being a god is super rewarding, but it’s pretty tedious. on one hand, you have people devoted to you, willing to push on in your name, and you can see the hope in everyone’s hearts and intention. on the other, it’s pretty demanding work - you have to make sure you give the right commands or direction, help around in the right places, and kill as little humans as possible. you’re born with considerable amount of power, and sometimes it can get to a god’s head, and we’re all also about as emotional as humans, so it can get pretty sticky... 25. What does your Home look like? as stargod, my home was a giant star castle. my room was in the center and each spike led to different rooms. there was no up or down but the walls were beautiful, like that aerogel stuff, if it could glow. feargod didn’t have a home, i dont think? he could take residence with Aphrodite or Ares, but gods dont really need sleep, so he rarely did so. 26. Other than yourself, who do you think is a really cool divine being? personally, stargod was on good terms with almost everyone. i think sometimes he held disdain towards Zeus or other weather gods, but it wasn’t often or really strong. Mostly he just kept to himself. feargod has special feelings in his heart for his parents and his twin, Deimos. Siblings? not so much. Most of his siblings were love gods, so he didn’t very much enjoy their presence. nowadays i totally do tho! 27. Does your divinity affect your day to day life? How? not really...it just kinda gives me things to look back on. i mean, in this life im not good at direction or self-control, and i’m not that scary. i’m not terribly upset over those things though. 28. (for Angels) if you have wings, what do they look like, how big are they, how many, and do they serve any other purpose besides flying? 29. Is there a place on earth that reminds you of Home? being very far away from big or moderate cities at night helps for stargod...id rather not think about feargod though :/ 30. What is your favorite post on the actuallydivine tag? i havent looked at that tag in a long time so i cant remember >_<