#but turns out i CAN indeed feel acutely lonely in a five person group!

[thebirdandhersong]

💙

#not to be miserable once again but i simply Hate feeling alone in a group of people #and sometimes it is just so lonely here even though there are a number of us in this student residence #we had a small prayer and worship meeting tonight and i was quite happy about that #because people in smaller groups are easier to talk to #but turns out i CAN indeed feel acutely lonely in a five person group! #probably made it worse!!! #if you pray for EVERYONE in the group except me during your turn of course i will notice. like what does that accomplish #and conversations about people and past events and inside jokes i dont know about are fine i like listening #but the actual lack of eye contact from everyone is super obvious when i'm sitting Right There #SORRY shall delete this at a later date i am just. so sad again #every time i think i'm making headway and making friends here at last something like this happens #and i'm reminded once again that people just don't want me here #too tired to cry but seriously!! i'm so sick of being lonely and i wish i weren't so hung up on making friends #when it is so clear sometimes that people just want to stick to their old friends and their existing circles #i SHALL grin and bear it. my word i will NOT let this make me hard and unkind #but goodness it is just so much of a struggle when i've been in this position again and again in every new community i enter

[togreblog]

Part 4

Nessian AU

Sorry, this took so long, exam season!! (Wish me luck)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Word Count; 1150

As it turned out, the food was amazing. Six courses had sounded overwhelming, but each course was a reasonable size portion and they were spread out, to make the meal manageable. However, Nesta found the conversation between each course tiring and by the third course, she found herself weighing the merits of staying with the larger group of people vs following Cassian to the kitchen. On one hand, there was only one other person in the kitchen. On the other, that one person was Cassian. She made it until after the main course. A beautiful beef wellington, with dauphinoise potatoes, rice pilaf and lots of hearty winter vegetables, perfect for New Year’s Eve and all flawlessly seasoned, and served with a beautiful red wine. but when Cassian got up to clear the plates, she grabbed the ones he couldn’t manage in one trip and made her way to the kitchen behind him.

“You didn’t need to do that Nesta, go sit back down and relax.”

“No it’s ok, let me help.” She tried to convey how she felt in a look, but Cassian was too busy putting dishes into the dishwasher to notice the weary, pleading look Nesta gave him. Nesta sighed, trying to swallow her pride and summon the confidence to tell him why she didn’t want to go back. “It’s a bit much for me anyway.”

He turned and frowned at her, “the food?”

He really was going to make her say it, explain it. She hated admitting it, but she really didn’t want to go back to the group of people now that she had made the decision to come across to the kitchen. “No Cassian, the people. I can’t do big groups for this long. It…” She tried to find the words to make him understand, but how could a social butterfly like Cassian ever understand. She started to wring her hands in frustration at sounding so stupid and weak. At not being able to find the words. Her thoughts were swimming now.

“I get it.” Nesta could almost cry from relief at those words. In fact, she was so sure that a sob would come out if she opened her mouth, that she kept them clamped shut and just looked t him gratefully. Cassian smiled back. “If you’re going to be over here though, I’m going to put you to work. Do you remember what I said I had brought for dessert?”

“I remember, doesn’t mean I can say it.” The laugh she earned with her comment was real, not the usual chuckle that often accompanied his smug smile, but a deep, rolling laugh from down in his chest, with a genuine smile. She couldn’t help but feel special, having him laugh with her not at her, having his undivided attention focused on her.

If she hadn’t had her back to the rest of the room, if she hadn’t been so busy watching the way his chest moved as he laughed, enraptured by the warm sound of it, she would have known that the inner circle had noticed and that money had silently exchanged hands.

“Ok, so its called Affogato. It sounds fancy, but it’s really easy. That’s kind of why I make it, after the fancy meal you tell them you’re making this fancy thing for dessert and then you bring it out and enjoy the look of confusion. Will you make coffee, please? Some really good espresso.”

“To go with dessert?”

“No. Just wait and see.”

She watched curiously as she made the coffee and he scooped ice cream, which he must have brought with him, into 8 dessert bowls. Feyre had insisted that they get a dinner set for 10 and everything in the matching design, Nesta had only ever used the small dessert bowls when the regular bowls had been dirty, but they seemed the perfect size for the generous scoops of ice cream which now filled them. When Cassian had put the ice cream away in the fridge, he turned to Nesta, “How’s the coffee coming?”

“Almost done. It’s very strong because I only keep strong coffee in the house. Hope you guys don’t find it too bitter.”

“Bitter coffee is good. Balances out the sweetness of the ice cream.”

“So, we’re having ice cream for dessert?”

“Not quite. Affogato is ice cream with coffee poured over it, I add coffee liqueur to Mor’s as well.”

He had reached around Nesta and begun pouring the coffee over the ice cream, so he didn’t see the initial shock on her face. By the time he turned around, it had been replaced by an apprehensive, almost suspicious look, as she started down the dessert. Cassian just rolled his eyes, clearly used to this reaction, but no less baffled by the idea that Nesta was confused by this combination.

“Grab the rest of the bowls, Nesta,” he called across his shoulder as he skilfully balanced five dishes up his arms and Nesta didn’t remember to scowl at his command as she picked up the remaining three bowls, with a little less grace than Cassian had and brought them over to the coffee table.

The dessert was simple and delicious. As it turned out, Cassian had made the ice cream and the sweetness did indeed balance perfectly with the bitterness of Nesta’s coffee. Cassian gave Nesta an ‘I told you so look’ regarding her scepticism about coffee and ice cream and Mor slapped him hard are told Nesta all about the first-time Cassian had been presented with it and how he had reacted the same way. He protested, but he had a smile on his face the entire time. Maybe Nesta didn’t mind having them all there after all. Alone time was good, she needed alone time, but if Feyre’s friends wanted to celebrate special occasions at her flat, if Cassian wanted to take over her kitchen every once in a while, she could get used to it she thought.

The final course ended up being served about an hour later. The final course and the final bottle of wine. With 6 courses had come 6 bottles of wine and with only 8 of them there, that was a lot of wine each. Nesta could feel them all loosening up, relaxing in each other’s presence. The more relaxed they became, the more acutely aware Nesta was of how much less comfortable she was with them than they were with each other. By the time midnight came, as Nesta had predicted, they were all very much drunk, but Nesta, less affected by the alcohol anyway, was aching deep within her, feeling more alone in her life than she had at the beginning of the night. She could surround herself with people, but they were in her home, not in her heart, her heart was lonely and she didn’t know how to change that or if she even could.

@nobah123 @aelinashgalathynius @acotar-feels

#nessian #fanfic #sjm #nesta #cassian #acofas #modern au