While it obviously did not happen during Karl Franz's reign, the fact that Vlad Von Carstein, aka the big grandaddy of all Vampire Counts is/was legally an Elector Count will never not be funny to me.
Just imagine Vlad Von Fucking Carstein engaging in normal Imperial politics, making deals in the senate and all those "normal" stuff.
Vlad, in his blood-red vampiric armour, leaving his literally blood-drinking sword, the Wailing Blade to a footman at the door and sitting down to discuss the impact of the current agricultural tax politics on Sylvania's peasant farmers.
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|Pestilence|
If Pestilence was a man,
the Nurses would scurry
out of His Waywhen they can,
hoping He drops a folder in the hallway
as a pretext
for some conversation.
If Pestilence was a man,
He would walk the line
in front of the Friars,
drawing fire when He can;
Speaking Sign Language to the Choirs,
if they were within His Wing Span.
The Flagellants Pacing behind the Monks,
all Dogmatic Revulsion and Holy War,
the Ascetic Gazes of the Dispossessed,
Eyes Hungry for a Rapturous Score:
Unphased if Euthanized by Their Doctor;
Frozen from their Avian Behavior,
Their Heads cocked to the side at the Foe,
who must now wonder if the Doctor,
His Score,
the Friars,
the Warrior Monks,
and the Cross,
are not a Fixture
They must endure.
If Pestilence was a man,
He would Operate with a steady Hand,
Stomping Franciscan through the Blades,
the Eyes of the Beak fogged with Sand,
ere the Nuns flip their Hourglasses,
and Slain men are pulled out of their Graves;
the Plague Doctor fluttering with His Scalpel,
the Flagellants Roaring a Thousand Names,
as the Friars Cross the Valley of Death,
to fight as Angels Chanting with Staves.
If Pestilence was a man,
He would Sing the Slain to fight anew,
As wounded Muslims in Spinal Submission,
from the backs of whom
their own Skeletons Grew.
Aya Sabu
Lin-Sanu
Allan Najma’a
Izamahu
"Does man
think We will not
Assemble
his bones?"
If Pestilence was a man,
the Nurses would always find an excuse…
to save a promising specimen,
even if it meant one less share be made,
to the Sisters at the Nunnery,
as often…
in war…
mistakes can be grave.
If Pestilence was a man,
and the Undead had lost their sense of Humour,
He might fight in all directions,
as if driven Feral by a rumor…
that His Messenger had been Bewitched,
or Treachery was afoot,
till the Fleshless start Cackling
the Foe grows overproud,
the Faithful feel Betrayed,
and Richelieu glares Foul.
When from beneath the Mask comes the Howling Scream of Muhammadan Physicians slashing Dreams, Counting seconds of Candle Flames and Grains of Sand that Recite the Names, between the Parapets of Reynald’s Holdfast ere Templar mail Bled Holy Land, Bishops Chopping Candelabras of Runic Axe that could only Cut as Deep as the True Lord can when He converted by the Blade
every Viking He could stand.
If Pestilence was a man,
He would skulk away from another defeat,
His Corpse Cart laden
with His specimens,
His Company…
the Bones He Bleeds;
His Beak hanging in Despair,
on to the next Hamlet in distress,
wondering why His Halo,
is a burden He loves to regret.
by Julian Collins
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Out of curiosity, how many genuinely happy and/or well-adjusted (significant) relationships are there in Warhammer, canonically? Off the top of my head, I vaguely recall Magnus and Perturabo getting on pretty well pre-Heresy, and Fulgrim and Ferrus were close before the, y'know, whole murder by decapitation thing. Besides that there's, what, Robussy Gullibleman and his hot Eldar gf? Lothara and Angron and Kharn were good mates, I guess? And the Necron common-law husbands, obviously. Is there any I'm forgetting? I feel like most (meta)narratively significant relationships are pretty negative ones.
Magnus and Perty got on. Fulgrim and Ferrus got on. Roboute and Yvraine aren’t actually canon, and the Ynnari have been totally sidelined since doing the one thing they were lazily created for (reviving Guilliman). Lotara and Khârn respected each other. Angron wasn’t good mates with either of them. Or anyone. Khârn and Lotara were scared of him, loyal to him and felt bad for him, but also just way ballsier than most other people.
Obyron and Zahndrekh are genuinely very loyal to each other and have that old married couple familiarity.
The most happy relationship across all of Warhammer between major characters still remains Vlad and Isabella Von Carstein, imo. Actual power couple shit.
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vlad von carstein just can’t stop hurling sylvanian nobility out of castle drakenhof
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