#cause i can really tell when they're not

[bookishforce]

.

#sometimes i just feel too autistic #i have the incessant NEED to share my interests with people #it is hard not to b able to share them irl sm #eh im just sad tonight and overtired #but it feels like no matter what #people in my life get sick of hearing me talk #about my passions #from my research and findings #to my love of forcebook #i do put a lot of effort in #but it usually isn't returned and #it makes me tired #i just want someone to be interested #cause i can really tell when they're not #even if they say they are #you can see the eyes glaze over #it hurts and makes me unable to put in as much effort #i feel isolated in my own passions #which is so stupid #srry just need to get it out

[quinloki]

Canon Characters vs OC vs x Reader

Disclaimer: This is just my two cents, and my perspective on things, and I'm not trying to lay down the law for everyone. I needed to just put this to words though, in order to sleep.

I was thinking about this because of a post I saw, and some, we'll say, kind of useless comments associated with the post. Mean-spirited stuff.

Normally, in one ear and out the other, but the vibes just kicked me off down a rabbit hole of sorts an I wanted to try to put some of my thoughts to words.

First, some style vibes:

Canon x Canon Canon/Canon stories are, to me, like reading an episode of that show. I'm sitting down in front of a TV or whatever, and I'm experiencing the story As A Viewer. I like this style because I don't really have to expend much energy and I just kind of roll with whatever's happening. Generally some sort of 3rd person perspective.

OC x canon OC/Canon stories are like being on a carnival ride. I'm sitting in a car on a roller-coaster, and maybe the OC is sitting next me. I'm experiencing the story more deeply than strictly canon stories, but my connection with the OC is no deeper than say, my connection with Katniss Everdeen when I read The Hunger Games. Sometimes 3rd person, sometimes first person.

Reader x canon Reader/Canon (or Reader x/ OC) is like putting on a VR helmet. I don't get much physical input about the "Reader OC" because I'm experiencing the story through their eyes. I don't expect the reader to be me, but there's a bigger feeling of immersion to be had. Some description might happen cause it's relevant to the story, and it's still a type of ride, I can't jump the rails on the roller coaster, after all. (Even with a VN you still follow the tracks). Sometimes first person, sometimes second person (I'm partial to 2nd person perspective, but that's just me).

I love Fan Fiction, I love it. All of it, and man even more than anything, what I love is that I'm going to dislike 80% of it. Because that 80% was written for someone who is not me. (Hell, that number's probably closer to 99% if we're looking at ALL fandoms, but I digress).

Second - The VENT:

What got me the most in the post that prompted this, was someone saying "Bring back the Mary Sue OCs!" and then they went on to describe something more detailed, and I just -

Look, respectfully, fuck you.

The point is, you're not going to be happy no matter what. Whether it's "mary sue" OCs, or x readers, or alternative universes, or a ship you don't like, you're going to find something to be unhappy about.

Cause people have been bitching about all styles of fan fiction since the first "You've Got Mail" chimed in 1991. And until 1998 and ff.net you really had to hunt for it, and until 2007 and Ao3 the idea of tagging a fic for any reason wasn't really a thing. Every click was a surprise! \o/

I just have seen the same song and dance a dozen times. It's exhausting. People become okay with OCs and decide x readers are the enemy, and before that OCs were *all* Mary Sues and cringe and people who made OCs were the enemy, and before OCs people who wrote even a little OOC were the enemy, and people who wrote AUs were the enemy, and you can write fan fic but it HAS to be Canon Compliant, and everyone MUST be in-character at all times - "They would not fucking say that" was the enemy.

Look, just please - please - in any capacity, stop it with the "All X style of story telling is crap" mindset. There's over a dozen different ways to do x readers alone. I know 20 x reader writers and I don't think any of us have the same style, preferences, or vibes.

I've had a lot of comments along the lines of "I thought I hated x readers, but I really loved this." on a few different fics I've written. Sometimes it's not the style of the fic, sometimes it's the style of the writer, and my Brother In Christ - you're going to have to read some awful shit to shuffle through the thousands of writers out there to find the vibes that resonate with you.

Ostracizing entire swathes of fan fic because you need something to be "The Enemy" so you can lift up something else, and then bitching you can't find anything new to read seems like a personal problem.

And I know y'all are scrolling by TONS of posts that don't interest you, every day, as a matter of course. So don't give me that "clogging up the tag" BS, because we deserve to be here same as anyone else in the fandom.

#quin grumbles #I'm so aggravated I don't even really know how to tag this #like almost 30 years of it I'm just so done #I just wonder what amazing stories we're not getting #cause of some fucker using Mary Sue to belittle someone #or someone beating someone else over the head with plot armor because their protag survived something terrible? #How many “Oh.” moments have been missed because someone criticized the very concept of reader insert? #I'm way past my usual bedtime so I'm just rambling at this point #and I am being meaner than I'd like #but JFC #I'm not going to let people's bullshit opinions stop me or anyone else from writing if I can avoid it. #Write what you want #gush about it #talk about it #TELL ME ABOUT IT #IDGAF if it's cringe or overpowered or broken or flawless or an OC or a reader with a name or WHATEVER #If it brings you joy #then do it #and if people are too mean to scroll by it when it's not their thing #and then complain like they're entitled to do so #block 'em. #and tell me who they are so I can block them too #then write more #cause I promise it'll bring someone else joy too

[alexcabotgf]

not to be true crime posting on main but i think i'm falling down the wm3 rabbit hole again

#xenia.txt #when i tell you this case keeps me up at night to this day #not even the murders themselves as much as the general public's reception to and opinions on the case 3 decades later like #i get why it;s always been so divisive especially after the pl docus came out (lots of opinions on those btw none of them are good #from the bottom of my heart fuck you joe berlinger and bruce sinofsky) #but it's truly baffling how no one is willing to do the research on what is arguably THE most well documented true crime case in recent #history like. everything that's ever been released to the general public is available online and i mean everything #you can find all the court files trial transcripts depositions interogation tapes aerial photos you name it it's out there for anyone with #internet connection to access at any and all hours of the day #and yet people are still foaming at the mouth fighting on reddit abt their innocence based off nothing but a couple of movies like #bffr with me right now!! almost every point the innocenters make can be easily debunked by scrolling through callahan for 15 minutes #'but they've been pushing for dna testing since their release so they can't be guilty' baby the case is closed! #it's been closed the second they took the plea. they can be striking under that courthouse and it still won't change a thing and they knowi #that's why they're pushing for it in the first place but that's just my opinion #^ and i say they but it's really only echols which makes a lot of sense to me personally #and if you want to talk abt dna testing let's talk abt the one that was done in 2011 and how the defense hurried to propose the plea as soo #as they got the results! let's talk abt those cause no one's ever seen them and i would very much like to #braga share the results the people want to know!! #makes me wonder which pieces of evidence they even submitted for that 2011 testing because if i'm remembering correctly #there was one that would've closed this case instantly and maybe that's why the results were never disclosed and the plea was rushed #but that's also just my opinion #and it's also interesting how the majority of people who have in fact deep dived into this case #(and i'm not talking abt big true crime youtubers as i'm very sceptical abt their research abilities) #all collectively lean towards guilty. much to think about #i was hoping someone would make another ~actually~ unbiased documentary for the 30th anniversary and go over all the case files #but i don't think that's even realistic at this point seeing as everyone and their mother has some sort of an opinion on this case #hbo deserves another lawsuit for this. they should've never won the first one in the first place #true crime tw

[justanintrovertedweirdo]

Spoilers for the new digital circus episode

THE NEW EPISODE WAS SO GOOD OH MY GOD AAAAAAAA!!!!!!! They totally teased us with that Jax angst, but it was still amazing! They better bring back Gumigoo in a future adventure. Man did not deserve what happened to him. He had his entire reality crushed and just when things were going well for him again, he got deleted. And of course it was Pomni who had to get close to him. My poor girl just can't catch a break. ALSO, THEY HAD A FUNERAL FOR KAUFO. THEY HAVE FUNERALS. I AM NOT OKAY. THE ENDING WAS SO FUCKING SWEET MY GOD!!!! POMNI HAS FRIENDS NOW AAUGDKDVAJSG!!! All it took was for her to get trapped in a digital hell hole. Good for her! Also there's a Kinger plush. I must have it. I need to cuddle him.

#still got a little bit of Jax angst at the very least! #I saw his face when they were talking about the funeral he cares! #love idiot men that don't know how to deal with their emotions #Kinger has a father and daughter relatsonship with Ragatha and you cannot tell me otherwise #THAT SCENE THEY HAD ON TOP OF THE TRUCK WAS SO SWEET!!!! #this episode was just really sweet honestly #I swear I didn't intend that pun #Caine has absolutely no idea how much trauma he's causing these people and I fucking love it #he's so unhinged my god #I also love how the characters react in the worlds kinda show how different people play video games #there's the ones who treat the npcs as if they're actual people #and there's the ones who just want to cause chaos and bloodshed #and the ones in between either have no idea what they're doing or they're just goofing off #I love this show a lot can you tell #the amazing digital circus #tadc #tadc episode 2 #spoilers #tadc spoilers

[alphabetboyluvr]

just read the new yu chapter and i can't stop crying

i'm literally

i really thought they-

*sobs*

i just think they needed a little more room to grow away from each other!! their brains still needed a little time to develop!!!

i know exactly what i think happens after the chapter ends tho he he

#neva obv has to fly back to london #and jungkook goes to ny #but they're both a little restless about things and how it was left #cassie visits neva the next weekend and she's like neva u do realise that the universe is trying to force u two together right?? #and so she's like :( fuck :( #pulls a sickie #grabs a last minute flight to ny #and is like #if it's really fate then ill bump into him #but cassie is like ur so dumb so messages jungkook like ok don't freak out but neva is gonna be in NY this weekend and he's like ??? #but then cassie is like that's all I can tell u soz #so jungkook is like right.... ok. wtf am I meant to do with this. #but he's also like #if i was neva #where would i go...... #but is like stumped cause she's never been to ny so the possibilities are endless so he's like fuck it #checks flight maps and works out when she arrives (aka the only flight from London that aligns with the time she left) and goes to arrivals #has a lil sign with her name on it :( #tweaks his brows when he spots her #and has a little smirk on it face #says smth dumb like u could have just sent a text #and she's like.... why r u here..... #and he's like... me??!! why are YOU here???????? #and anyways they spend the weekend in luv and making up for lost time and they're both confused about how it's gonna work #and it's gonna be hard!! #a lot of those damn you up? texts #and it's gonna take a lot of effort!! #but they're gonna do it!!! #third time lucky <3333 #they'll elope in ny one random weekend when she's visiting and not tell anyone about it not even cassie or jimin

[da-proti-toku-grem]

why can't anyone understand that everyone is different and not everyone likes the same things and that it's completely okay AND normal for someone not to like going out and preferring to stay at home :/

#honestly i understand that my parents care about me and they don't want me to be feeling bad #and that they ask me bc they just want to make sure i'm okay #but i've explained to them what i feel like and they just don't get and i get mad but i akso know it's not their fault and just... oughhhhh #like yeah i have a weird kind of social anxiety according to my therapist and even she doesn't know exactly how to help me yet #but there are just so many reasons behind why i don't like going out and it's not just bc it gives me anxiety #or why those situations give me anxiety in the forst place #1. i'm just a very introverted person that doesn't like going out #2. crowded places/closed spaces/places where there's not enough ventilation/loud places (be it people talking or just music) overwhelme me #3. all said in 2 + flashing lights give me huge migraines that can linger for over 3 days #4. i am very much a night owl and i'm forced to live in a society where that isn't fucking acceptable apparently and i'm called lazy for - #- not being productive in the morning when the only reason behind it is that i am a lot more productive at night #but no one ket's me do that bc 'why are you doing stuff when you're supposed to be asleep?' #i have been the same since i was little. literally nothing has changed #and people where always like 'oh she's just shy' #but idk wtf changed #maybe it was that i became and 'adult' or maybe the fact that i started therapy and they told my parents that i have social anxiety. idk #but suddenly every single person in my family is worried about it and they're genuinely making me feel like there's smth wrong about me #i mean. i have my problems i'm not gonna go telling you that i'm perfect bc i'm pretty much not #but is there really smth that wrong with me that i need to fix #or is society just a bitch that doesn't understand that there's different kinds of people and everyone is different & IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY #have they ever thought about the fact that maybe these situations cause me anxiety bc i've been forced all my life to do them #even if i don't like them #instead of thinking that i don't like them BC they cause me anxiety?? #i mean. i know i have to go out more and that there's tons of things i can do ofc #but you can't just force me to do things i don't want to and put on a good face while doing it *every.fucking.day* #aaaaand i could add a lot more things but i'm once again reaching the tag limit so i shoukd just shut up #it's just driving me crazy bc i know they're trying to help but it really is not helping at all............. #ranting

[purgemarchlockdown]

The temptation to vague about something in the milgram-confessions blog because its something thats bothered me for Actual Years about certain fandoms vs letting it go because when it is brought up its actually done somewhat tastefully and reasonably which makes me happy and this anon probably didnt mean it in the incredibly bad faith way I keep on seeing it be repeated so really Im getting upset over nothing.

#the answer is: ramble a bit in the tags just to get it out of my system #for some elaboration: Im asian! I have a knee jerk reaction when people go 'the westerners are projecting their values onto the east again' #because 9/10 of the times someone does that they're an American who wants to justify their weird racism/homophobia #by using the idea that asian countries (especially Japan) are backwards and/or ignorant but disguising it as 'being mindful of their cultur #and also then homogenizing them and pretending their all a monolith to be assholes to people! #and/or completely dismiss any possible criticism or interpretation for a series as a cultural values thing #this one fucks me up especially because usually there IS Merit in those interpretations/criticisms #but a concerning amount of people then go 'oh your just pushing your cultural values onto them' as a smokescreen to be a bunch of assholes #and/or discredit their ideas because Clearly All (insert x group here) think EXACTLY THE SAME and BELIEVE FULLY in whatever cultural #idea their using to justify this behavior #Ive Seen actual good discussion on differences in culture! #especially in another fandom of mine #but the worse option has happened so much that when I hear someone say those words alarm bells start ringing #its bad faith! I know its bad faith! But Ive engaged the worse option in good faith and came out wanting to punch someone A Lot More #Ive seen actually good faith discussions of cultural difference in this fandom sometimes! Its really nice but It scares me #cause im just Waiting for Someone to come in and ruin it #can you guys tell ive seen too many bad anime video essays? Ive seen too many bad anime video essays.

[imwritesometimes]

I feel like every review of the Barry series finale that's like 'it was just meh...' is intentionally missing the point cause if they actually had to confront 'hey we as a country venerate service members to an insane degree when, just like normal people cause that's what they are, some of them are bad people. we will jump through hoops to absolve any wrongs these people commit. the police do get it massively wrong sometimes. justice is not always dished out. and we will make a butchered spectacle out of a tragedy for ticket sales.' they wouldn't get many clicks.....

#the way law enforcement overall were portrayed through the series alone I have not seen really talked abt anywhere #but GODDDDD like Janice was ~one of their own~ and they're all still so incompetent and stupid they can't even get her case right #like this show is screaming at you that this dude is PEAK delusional at the end #that's not what god wants for me #Sally tells him. to his face. if he wants to be absolved. he must take responsibility for what he's done. #but he doesn't. and he's absolved anyway. cause they twist his story to fit the #brave marine doing the best he can narrative #when really he killed his friend who was *also* a marine. he killed a lot of ppl. and never took responsibility. #and let's not even touch on how Noho Hank and Christobal are ENTIRELY written out of and forgotten #in the new narrative the movie makes. like those pesky queers further ruin this sterling service member triumphs over evil tale #I'm *obsessed* at this point idk. I've had all night to ponder cause I was up sick all night 😞 #hbo barry #hbo barry spoilers

[arcaneyouth]

i know i put angels and demons into a lot of my work but i will be real with you this has absolutely nothing to do with the religious trauma. angels were never a religious thing to me they were just guys with wings. people try to point at my angels and demons like "look see you are putting religious trauma in there" and i'm flattered you think so but i don't think you know a thing about me and my trauma. i put demons into my stories because the word "monsters" is usually used for a separate thing and i need a word that tells you right away this is some kind of creature that is by nature a bastard whether they want to be or not. cause monster is not a strong enough word for me. so they're demons

#queued post #in the deathspeaker demons are entities that were once grim reapers but got fired from their jobs for sucking absolute ass #they were especially common 2000 years ago when death took over the underworld from lonan #but nowadays they are very uncommon #demons in the deathspeaker have an insatiable need for souls as sustenance. but souls are difficult to get #their punishment for being fucking awful is going hungry until they are too small to exist anymore #in iamos true demons don't really exist anymore. engel is the last one #but anybody can Become a demon through certain means #demons are animalistic secondary forms that humans and monsters can both receive. regardless of how monstrous the original form was #the demon form always manages a way to be More Monstrous #but in the end they are simply creatures. they are just like any animal. but this one used to be a person #some people with demon heritage from when true demons were still around were born with demon forms that they get to switch between at will #they get the perks of having a monstrous form but still get to be. yknow. conscious #there are very few of these demons around still. none of them have a human base form unfortunately #in whispers of pandora angels and demons work in the department of miracles and sometimes have to answer to the various gods in this univer #but outside that and the aesthetics they're kinda just. some guys #they're literally just office workers #i don't fuckin put religion into my angels and demons. they are creatures or office workers to me <3 #stop telling me my religious trauma is in my stories cause of these guys you don't know anything LIASUDHLAIUDSH

[textualviolence]

okokokok you know what. the lesbian label fits me best specifically because i hate romance & falling in love i think all that shit's stupid. The only thing thats worth it in life is having a tension filled two-little-girls-on-the-playground-pretending-to-be-horses level intensity friendship where basically no words or outside concepts exist beside the deep fascination and kinship you have with another human being & its a friendship to the outside world but on the inside its an unspeakable understanding of self & other with no limits or boundaries as to the aspects that are concealed and revealed and the kind of intimacy that is possible & the only rule is having fun and keeping up the synchronicity thats vibrating between your two spirits. Sorry if that makes me sound like a cringe hippe but genuinely people who are like i wanna fall in looooove im like your desires are lame & small and i pity you. Romance-love is inferior to playground bff friendship-love in every way but we live in a society that does everything to hide this fact from people....why.....

#& i don't mean a sexless friendship i really mean all types of intimacy are possible. but they're not EXPECTED theres no script #sex happens if it feels relevant & interesting but otherwise why would it #& this kind of thing genuinely does go beyond gender its just that men are usually incapable of letting this happen #its what i have with my gf by the way we're best frieeends but also i want to know a lot of people this way #except almost no one gets it...its my burden in this life to try to make people understand #when you turn an intense friendship into a romantic rship you lose something invaluable and then its gone forever #not because you've added sex into it cause you can in fact do that. its just people don't know how. its a careful & difficult process #you have to remain present & not lose yourself in a movie script that tells you what to do & how to be. instead you have to keep being #yourself & only doing things that arise naturally. people have no trouble doing it until they get self conscious & then its impossible #do you see my life burden

[biillys]

oh ohhhhhhh ohhh wait. wait a fucking minute. listen. listen!!!!

flayed!billy and neil having an run-in a few days before The End. flayed!billy not scaring as easily, actually not scaring at all, compared to actual real!billy. turning right back on neil. except the mindflayer has a soft spot for his host becos the mindflayers fucked like that, so instead of just killing neil, the mindflayer decides to play with it's food for a bit.

real!billy doing his Thing and managing to get that one tear out. becos his dad may be a piece of shit but surely, surely, out of everyone, he would be able to figure out something's wrong. that billy's not billy. the desperation and the hope that maybe this is it, maybe this is only option, maybe making him just that little bit stronger. maybe him getting a 'dad, help, please' with a few more tears out before the mindflayer takes over again. but neil's a fucking coward at most and a piss poor excuse of a father at best, so he takes one look at billy crying, begging, and shakes off any doubt's and worry's, and treats him like he always does when billy turns to water under his weight.

he makes his voice harder, his grip tighter. his words crystal fucking clear.

and then flayed!billy is shoving him off, stronger than neil's ever felt him, and he's laughing, but not in a way neil's ever heard him laugh. and then he's turning to walk right out the door, camaro keys in hand, even though neil just grounded him for the entire fourth of july weekend, except he turns around just before he makes it outside, face completely blank and familiar, but neil's never seen this person before in his life, and says 'when billy and i have finished what we started, i'll come back for you.' and then he's gone.

and neil picks himself up from where he was crumpled against the kitchen counter, shakes himself off, and denies everything that just happened in the past 15 minutes. grips the bench to stop his hands from shaking, and promises himself that next time he sees billy, then he'll really let him have it. that just because billy thinks he's old enough to throw his own weight around, doesn't mean he's gonna get away with it under this roof.

except billy never comes home, and then it's the fourth of july, and neil and susan are trying to enjoy a nice dinner at home, a dinner that both their children were meant to be home for but aren't, but at least him and susan are having a lovely night. they enjoy it right up until the phone rings late that night, and then they're speeding to starcourt mall, and there's smoke and flashing lights and fucking military everywhere, and max is distraught, hugging susan like she's the only family she has left, and no one will tell him anything about billy except for a brief 'billy didn't make it, we're sorry for your loss.'

they won't let him identify the body. won't even release the body to be buried. won't tell him why all those people were in the mall after opening hours, what max and her friends were doing there. what started the fire. why there was fucking military clearing the scene. won't even give him a cause of death.

and every single time he closes his eyes, he hears 'when billy and i have finished what we started, i'll come back for you.'

he starts hearing it when his eyes are open, too, when he's trying to put together the funeral. when he tries to go back to normal life, back to his job, where his boss pulls him aside and gives him time off until his current family situation can stop effecting his work, back home, where there's no longer loud music shaking the doors, no car flooring it up the street, no fourth place set at the table for dinner, no shitty attitude and lousy excuses and brave backtalk.

everything's suddenly so fucking quiet.

so he fixes it. overcorrects. takes his sleepless nights and his workless days out on susan, is loud and brash and a constant immovable object. makes sure it's never quiet again. susan kicks him to the curb within a month, threatening police involvement if he doesn't leave quickly and quietly.

so, he leaves.

(then, susan and max leave for the trailer park, becos neil Left. and that's all susan will say on the matter. and then the upside down comes back with a new big bad, and max is right back in the thick of things in a way she never was before, but then suddenly billy's back. billy's alive, and he's back, and he's pulling himself with his bare fucking hands out of the upside fucking down before reaching around and helping her pull herself out and he's covered in blood and black goo and scars and injuries for days and, honestly, she probably doesn't look much better, but he's coughing and bleeding yet his heart's still fucking beating. and they somehow fucking found and saved each other.

and max is sitting by his bedside in hospital after every single surgery, and she keeps him company and puts headphones over his ears to listen to music and picks out the comic books that she knows he likes to read and she does her best to just never mention anything home related.

billy makes it a week after being back from the dead before he asks about neil.

'he left,' she says, because that's all that matters.

and billy fucking remembers. he remembers how hard he fought, how it took everything within him to overpower the mindflayer, even for those brief few seconds. how the only thing on his mind was this is it. this is my only chance. this is all i've got. and he remembers neil's eyes, wide, scared, fearful, but the second billy broke through, the moment billy shed a tear, fucking begged for help, his voice cracking over the word 'dad', neil went from speechless to loud. his eyes going from uncertain to cold. how the one time billy remembers asking his dad for help, probably the first time he's asked his dad for help since he was a kid, neil didn't even take even a moment to think about it. just took one look at him begging and crying, and steamrolled right over him, fucking sentenced him to death. all because he asked for fucking help.

billy closes his eyes and nods, doesn't think he could ever face neil again without falling apart for good.)

#idk what this is im very sorry!!!!! #anyway neil runs back to california before he even realises thats where he's heading #and ends up on billys mums doorstep #becos he always knew where she ran to when she left. he's not stupid. she never really fucking tried to hide. #and he tells her billys dead. because he may be battling his own parental demons and while she may have her own parental demons #they both loved billy in their own fucked up way. not a way he deserved but they're unreliable narrators at best #and he knows that hes the reason she left. and why she left billy too. #that of neil was a different kind of man; she would've tried to take billy too; but neil was the one with the job and the money #and she had none of that. she wouldntve stood a chance in court. #its fanfic and unrealistic so i can wholeheartedly say they end up back together becos unhealthy relationships + shitty coping mechanisms #obviously are the right choice to grieve your dead child. its the perfect midlife crisis. #anyway YEARS later when billys back in california and he someway somehow runs into them #and sees his dad who he still to this day blames for his death #and his mum who once told him that the reason his dad and her always fought was becos of him #together??? bro causes a fucking earthquake #im kidding hes just like. he was going so well and healing so good and max was so proud #and then he starts spiraling again. #okay enough from me again idk what this is im sorry #m #nqff

[blackvahana]

Well! Well. I shut off Oblivion. I went to annoy Lev in the astral. He has a body chilling on my bed reading something or playing with something or. whatever. Anyway. So I start making Poses at him again because something in my goddamn biology needs to fucking do weird ass bird mating dances at him at every given opportunity. My bed is right beside my desk, head of the bed and back of the desk are in a line. Im sitting at my desk physically. I'm like oh. Sudden strong spirit presence beside me! Said hi to Lev guessing he got up to watch over my shoulder because I closed oblivion and he was asking me about it (so he probably came to look) and then was like. Oh that's not you is it. Because. That's where my astral body is.

Yeah no that was me. Because I could turn around and look through planes into my faces.

It's not the first time I've had a strong presence in the astral! I do that every once in a blue moon. I've dropped the temperature and brightness of rooms before, the spirits possessing my body have felt me before in the way I feel them but

I. don't talk about this because I don't agree p shifting is a thing but this is dangerously close to p shifting type beliefs, but in my and my groups experience spirits can actually physically come here. All planes are connected, it's not about a Veil but about a huge magnetic gap between this plane and the others and it's huge polarisation that means you need a fuck tonne of energy to translate yourself into a body on this plane And to get back out of it so it tends it really just be gods coming here and generally as shit like animals so they don't get Spotted. Generally. I don't care if anyone believes me I don't talk about it for others - uh. double meaning there. I'm not talking about it for others now, and usually I never mention it for others' sakes. This is not about others

But I was thinking that. I get thoughts crossing my mind especially lately about "well if I had a fuck tonne of energy, could I be here in two bodies...." in the way of the theory of it. trying to understand more about how this plane works and whatnot. this.

This was the first time. looking at myself through planes. Where I was like. I have two bodies in the same universe. both real. both exist. both are me. This is not some abstract "I exist and then the astral is some foreign place" I was in another body as real as this one on the fucking other side of the veil and I felt myself there. Like I've felt myself in the astral before, but now I'm like. spirits are not vague fucking things. I know they're real i Know the theory but I never let myself KNOW the theory

#ramblings // #Heehee hoohoo Im very aware my own fate bodies caused this 3-5 days of no meds so I could feel shit again bc they're numbing af #And I have so many plans for ways to wake myself the fuck up #S // #Diary // #Also. Real shit. Don't learn from me I'm not a teacher. If you want to know if spirits can do this work with them and form good solid #relationships with them. specifically powerful gods. To the point they'll let down so much of their ''no your worldview is definitely #correct'' and also just become something important enough to spend THAT much energy on and see if it's a thing #If you can't do that? You can't know and I can't expect you to believe me #Anyway. When I talk about gods walking the earth it's not necessarily this it's generally more they just didn't hide #when they incarnated. But also. Lmfao. Anyway. Also it's not a grand conspiracy I'm directly referencing memories of the gods I work with #because politics are so complex now they can't really be seen doing it. It's not that the ancients were sacred it's that now is politically #uh. oh boy. politically a fucking 10000 sided chess board #Including with the implication of that many sides needing 10000 colours and those being hard to tell apart for both players and opponents #Anyway. It's not the focus of this it's just me on a journey #astral diary

[fadedflora]

it sucks to have to be scared to update the game, no matter the size of the update, because you have no idea if it's going to break your game or not (not to mention going through the process of updating your mods)

#sims rant incoming! #i think a lot of sims fans (regardless of the game(s) they're a fan of) are just tired #tired of updates breaking their sims / their saves / their cc #tired of ea releasing broken buggy messes and having the audacity to make us PAY just for something to not work #tired of simulation lag making the game unbearable (especially for lower end devices) #tired of bugs that cause sims to get stuck on top of furniture / eyebrows/hair colors to change randomly / sim faces getting warped #idk it just sucks so bad to be a sims fan bc the only thing holding this community (and the games themselves) together are the mods #without mods and cc the sims (especially 4) would be unplayable because of how boring it would be #having to have mods to fully disable pack/base game features because they're not even slightly tuned (think fears/dust/etc) #or alternatively having to have mods to add in certain features or make certain features work properly (or better) #tired of bugs NEVER getting fixed and being fully ignored for months or even YEARS #and they don't even tell us they know about it so they can get away with ignoring it for as long as possible #not to mention the fact that TO THIS DAY if you want lgbtq+ rep in your game you have to PAY for it bc none of the lgbtq+ sims are base gam #(unless they changed sexualities of base game townies and idk abt it) #idk overall the sims (specifically 4) feels like a dumpster fire #i personally have no interest in a sims 5 because whats the point #why are so many simmers willing to scoot all the shit thats happened with the sims 4 under the rug under the guise of the sims 5 being good #do we really think the sims 5 will be any better when half the decent features are locked behind packs #certain features people paid for in packs are now base game so what was even the point in paying (like hot tubs) #idk everything about the sims 4 and the way it's continuously handled is so poor that i have no hope for any good quality content #maybe we'll get a decent kit or stuff pack here and there #but if we can't even purchase them without an item FULLY WARPING your sims face (ON RELEASE MIND YOU) what is the goddamn point

[byanyan]

being friends with byan is so weird bc they say they want you to have the balls to be bluntly honest with them, but then the very moment you're honest about something they don't like, they're peacing out, all "lmao ok friendship ended byeeeee"

#honesty is great until you're addressing their insecurities or anything they're currently in denial over #they have a... weird relationship with honesty lmao #they'll be harshly honest about almost anything and not pull a single damn punch #they will tell you easily that their biological mother didn't want them and that they've lived on the street #they'll tell you that they haven't had a foster home last more than 10 months & that one of their foster parents almost killed them #but they won't tell you about the misery these events caused & how its shaped them as a person #and then there's the way they can dish it but can't take it #they'll tell you to your face everything that's wrong with you (in their opinion) #but the moment you do the same back.... lmao fuck you what the hell kinda bullshit #they're so SO sensitive. so much more so than they let on. and they don't tolerate being called on their shit well. #but I think part of that is bc they spent a lot of their life being belittled rather than built up #and they ended up feeling like every time they were abandoned it was bc of their flaws #so if ur pointing them out........ it's only a matter of time before ur leaving too. so they better leave first. #but also they just hate being Seen. they hate when someone can see behind their facade. #if someone else can see ur pain that means it's really there or something :) #idk I have way more thoughts about this than I realized when I started typing and now the tags are gonna be longer than the post oops #might....... have to make a note to get into all this in a more in depth headcanon at some point #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ OOC ⋮ DON’T @ ME.

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

i still can't get over my roommate implying i was autistic and my friend pulling out her phone to show me the "i'm like if a beautiful woman was an autistic little boy" meme that she'd been saving for the occasion someone acknowledged it

#HELLO #guys i try so hard to be normal how the fuck are people noticing #ALSO WHY ARE THEY ACKNOWLEDGING IT #my other friend who is actually diagnosed with autism is also such a little bitch about this #if i flinch at noises or say something a lil too blunt he pulls me aside and goes 'are u having a tism moment' cause he's terminally online #just the audacity of people to point out that ur being weird when ur being weird. HELLO RUDE #my roommate and i had a long convo about this because she's Implied this multiple times #and the first time she said it in front of people. after we went home i was like 'do u really think im autistic' #and she went 'well you know i think it's a spectrum and you're def on it but also i know lots of autistic people who have happy lives!' #and girl what the FUCK. why are u so comfortable talking to me like that #i just got very very agitated because someone's phone was ringing for a whole fucking min and they were just ignoring it. what's WRONG WITH #HER. and im allowed to have sensory issues without it being autism ok shut the fuck up #anyways. i truly don't know how im supposed to react if someone says something like this. because a. im not diagnosed #b. people are far too comfortable armchair diagnosing me. like im not Trying to be different from what's socially acceptable leave me alone #c. but i also don't want to make a big deal about it because they're just jokign around but also the joke is that im constantly weird #can someone tell me how im supposed to react to this #honestly im kinda scared to post this on the autism website. #please don't be too mean to me

[wherela]

one of those crying in the shower kind of days

#my 'best friend' stood me up today #and by stood me up i don't mean canceled last minute i mean didn't show up and only responded to my calls and texts after 45 min #why? she was hanging out with some guy (she met him last week. he's not a christian.) and lost track of time #she's also initiated no contact with me over the last few weeks #the explenation was she thought i was busy with my thesis. as if you can't check in on someone when they're busy #she also gosted me for 3 days (like a month ago??) cause she was asked to share at student group and i couldn't go CAUSE I WAS SICK #I'm just so tired of it at this point #but it's also made me realise i dont really have any close friends #i have lots of friends. sure. and i trust them too. but it's not the kind of close where i can write to them when I've got a problem #like maybe I'd tell them live if they asked me? but I wouldn't really write to them it would just be weird #and so who do I tell that I met S's parents yesterday and even though so many things have happened since then already thats the only one #I can think about???? or that he actually CALLED ME afterwards specifically to tell me what they thought of our church #or that his mom apparently asked him if our relationship was still weird and he said 'yes' and I've been overthinking it cause i thought we #were finally okay and normal and genuinely just friends? #or that his mom said my look is that i dress vintage and it made me SO HAPPY!! that's my look!!! that's how I'm recognisable!!! #the answer is nobody. i have no one to tell :( #mine #s #I'm sorry I guess I had to vent this prolly turned out really really long