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mvssmallow · 4 years

Text

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT: CWAC PHASE II: 02

Jiwon goes with Hanbin to his therapy sessions. It’s a big breakthrough to have a mediator there, providing education and dispelling all the myths and pointing out all those negatively reinforcing behaviours that people tend to do when they’re mad and frustrated. Hanbin chews his nails aggressively in the first session, convinced that Jiwon has another front row seat to his “Psycho Show” and will judge him relentlessly but because Jiwon’s no ordinary boy-off-the-streets, it does the opposite and there’s a real understanding from Jiwon, who slowly begins to realise that he has a few issues of his own too. Things don’t miraculously improve overnight, because Jiwon still has days where he has no idea how to process all this while having his ass kicked by his record company....but the therapist gently asks him if he wants to come back on his own some time.

And he says yes.

Hanbin may have said, ‘What The Fuck?” out loud at that point.

So they do sessions now. Together. Separately. It’s helpful. It helps.

Jiwon’s body and mind slowly but surely adjusts to the demands of his new career. He and Hanbin make time for each other, even if it’s just eating breakfast at the sink or having dinner together 3 out of 7 nights. They force themselves to do it because if you let your work run your life then you aren’t really living after awhile, you’re just going the motions. He hates it when they miss out on all the small things that makes life worthwhile, like having all the time in the world to sleep in, watching bad movies, eating take-out (vaguely off limits now that Jiwon is preparing for a debut soon).

Things are okay-ish.

The funny thing is, whenever a few areas of his life is going well, another will inevitably implode. This time, it’s his own writing career. He becomes despondent, watching newer employees get better and more high profile assignments and top page billings and by-lines. Donghyuk encourages him to hang in there as best as he can but it’s not really a problem Donghyuk has had for a long time, being the magazines star-writer and the editor’s favourite.

Hanbin tries to write better, write stronger, write harder but all it does is churn out depersonalised pieces that not even he really cares about.

It’s Jiwon, because of course it would be, who ends up being the catalyst.

“If you don’t love it, why don’t you try something else?”

1 month turns into 2 months and by the third, the question is still cycling around Hanbin’s mind. And for someone who tries to plan everything within an inch of it’s life, he does something completely unplanned: he goes to work on a Thursday morning, walks past his office, knocks on the Editor’s door and gives his 2 week’s notice.

After spending 30 minutes apologising to Donghyuk and promising to stay in contact he leaves the Daily Grind behind. In all sense of the word.

Then he has a panic attack in the car park.

“Could’ve warned me about this in the morning babe.” Jiwon teases gently when he comes to pick Hanbin up and drive his car home.

“I didn’t know I was going to do it today!” Hanbin grumbles in his seat.

“So. How does it feel?”

“How do you think?! I didn’t even make a back up plan. What the hell was I thinking. You should always have a back up plan. What the hell am I going to do now? How are we going to pay the rent and-”

“Woah woah woah.....come on, you’ll be ok. We’ve got savings and I’m still working. It’s gonna be okay.”

“I can’t expect you to-”

“To what? Support you? Like you did for me before I got signed?”

“That’s different.”

“It’s not and you know it.”

Hanbin just humms in response.

“Tell me how you really feel. Honestly.”

“Well.....” Hanbin sighs, pauses, looks out the window at the city whizzing by and basks in the knowledge that tomorrow is really a brand new day. He doesn’t have to wake up and go to the same place, only to sit down and force his brain to type words he doesn’t care about. Rinse repeat rinse repeat.

A smile creeps on his face after awhile. Jiwon makes an amused sound but doesn’t say anything.

“I guess, I’m kinda....relieved?”

“That all?”

“And better?”

“Anything else?”

“A little bit excited?” Hanbin grimaces then. “God no, that’s just lame.”

Jiwon reaches over to mess with Hanbin’s dark hair. “Nah, it’s not. It’s good babe. It’s real good. I’m proud of you for doing this. As I said, when we have kids, they’re gonna have balls of steel genetically and that’s gonna come from you.”

Hanbin rolls his eyes in mock disgust. “What if we have girls?”

“Even better, haha.”

For the first few days of his unemployment, the apartment is just so quiet when everyone in the block is either at school, tai chi for the Eldery or at work. Except Hanbin. Hanbin is on the couch, holding the phone in his hand, his mum’s number staring back at him. He’d cleaned the apartment three times. Folding and ironing all his clothes then all of Jiwon’s. Making enough meals to last the entire week in one day.

There’s just the small-big task of telling his parents that he quit his job.

And his parents? Well, they don’t take it how he expects them to but at the same time, it’s oddly typical. He chickens out of calling them and drives there instead.

His dad scolds him for not having a back up plan and rambles on and on in a long-winded version of “I told you so”. But to everyone’s complete surprise, his dad doesn’t try to get him back into the business company again, he offers of course but Hanbin can’t do a job like that, it’d kill him and they all know it.

When he leaves, it’s not on an entirely bad note. His mother is concerned. His dad is full of suggestions and demands Hanbin updates his resume and reads the list of options he provides. It’s kind of heartwarming, even if he knows that his Pre-Stroke dad would never be like this.

And Hanbyul? Well, she has self interest in his unemployment.

“Can we go get bubble tea and cake after ballet then?! And you can pick me up from school! But in Jiwon’s car!”

“Gotta check my schedule.....Oh that’s right! I’m free indefinitely!”

“YAY!”

And funnily enough, his days get filled up pretty easily. Playdates with his sister, lunch dates with Yun, hanging around June at the tattoo shop, not being mentally exhausted when Jiwon gets home, being able to have dinner and get up early to kiss Jiwon goodbye in the mornings without the time pressure.

But most importantly.

He writes again.

#cwac summary #cwac stuff #hi it's me #your local summariser #play that song i linked to in the last post #Saturn by Sleeping At Last #it's nice in the background

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mvssmallow · 5 years

Photo

CWAC Jiwon would totally take a photo like this and send it to Hanbin during an editors meeting.

[hi]

[Hi? I’m in a meeting]

[so am i, a meetng wth spongebob]

[lol go do something with my baby, I can’t talk right now]

[its ok, your baby can’t tlk either]

[Jiwon...]

[hanbin....]

[Omg, what is up with you today? And why isn’t he in that red onesie from this morning?]

[we jst wanted to say hi]

[had to change him, juice accidnt, his fault not mine!]

[Seriously? Blaming the baby? That’s a new low]

[I really need to get back to my meeting]

[fj485hfkgvn]

[what?]

[my son typed u a txt]

[What a genius. Tell him that I love him and will see him soon]

[wat abt his dad?]

[Who?]

[Not funny]

[Haha, I really need to go now]

[Love you/miss you etc]

[fjo308hfk]

[see u tonight baby xxJJ]

#cwac kids #i just saw that photo #i haven't been very up to date on what they've been doing lately #cwac stuff

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mvssmallow · 5 years

Text

Hanbin:

“Ssh, we have to be quiet okay? Daddy is rehearsing.”

He doesn’t know why he bothers, not like their son understands him at this age but hey, it’s worth a try. Don’t ask him why he agreed to bring the baby all the way downtown to watch Jiwon’s tour rehearsals. It was a bad idea but sometimes he caves too easily when Jiwon kisses his neck and tells him he’s beautiful.

Manipulative jerk.

“BA!”

“Sssh, baby no. Quiet.” He gathers up their son before he tries to make a run for it (again). Jiwon is talking to his live band and even though he’s a fair distance away, a baby’s voice somehow always carries. A few stage techs look up at them with annoyed or curious looks and he knows it really shouldn’t but he feels guilty anyway. This is Jiwon’s work.

“BA!” The baby yells again, this time pointing towards the stage and looking at him expectantly, as if he wants to be carried down there.

“Oh my god.” He mutters under his breath. “He’s right there. He’s not going anywhere.”

Jiwon’s mic turns on then and he tests it a few times.

After that, it’s all pretty much downhill. 8 months or not, a wriggly baby boy is near impossible to contain. His arms are pretty good at catching and keeping their kids by now but even so, this new kid is really testing the limits of his patience and strength by struggling out of them.

“NO! Stop it.” He whispers sharply.

The baby stills in his arms, half giving up and then, heartbreakingly, looks up at him with big teary eyes and a confused frown.

“Ba?”

“No baby, we can’t go down there. Dad’s working. We can see him later, okay?”

He hates this. Hates even having to restrain his son from seeing his favourite dad. He hates feeling guilty that their son is distracting the stage crew. He hates it. Almost as much as he hates pretending he’s just Jiwon’s friend coming to visit him.

He cuddles their son into his chest as they make their way out of the arena, letting him sulk and pout but feeling exactly the same way. “We’ll see him later.”

It’s always later. After everyone else has finished with Jiwon.

Why did they think any of this would be easy?

*****

Jiwon:

Tour rehearsals. A necessary evil he just has to deal with now. Jin dragged him into it, kicking and screaming. He had asked Hanbin to come for moral support and after days of cuddles and kisses and straight up begging, Hanbin grumbled and agreed.

But their son wasn’t in child care yet. He was too young.

Which means that whenever he looks up to the seats in the arena, there he is. The little wriggling blob struggling in Hanbin’s arms. It’s distracting, sure, but he loves hearing his son call out to him and he almost doesn’t care what anyone thinks about it.

But.

He hates that the crew are throwing annoyed looks into the stands and then at him. He hates that he can’t even get mad at it because this is work. He wants to put his family first but he can’t. He hates that all this is probably making Hanbin feel like shit right now. He hates that he’s forced to even care what people think about his family.

After mic check, the baby yells out a few more times and then, when he’s in the middle of responding to the lighting guy, the baby babbling just stops.

He looks up towards the seats but they’re empty now.

“Finally.” A stage tech says. “Who the hell brings a baby to these things?”

“You got kids?” He asks, trying everything to keep the rising anger out of his voice.

“Hell, no.”

“Then you have no idea what it’s like.” He says, walking off and pretending to be engrossed in his mic pack and call sheet. He doesn’t want to be rude but this fucking spotty hipster better keep his mouth shut unless he wants a fight today.

He wishes he could leave and go looking for Hanbin and their son but he can’t. He knows he’s can’t. So many people need him here and this is all their jobs right now. He’s too much a professional to fuck that up and he knows that Hanbin wouldn’t want him to anyway.

It’s not till much later, way past lunch break, that he bolts outside and calls Hanbin’s phone.

“Hey.”

“Hey! Where are you? Are you still here?”

“Yeah, we’re in the car park. He got really fussy and loud in there....”

“I’ll come out.”

“No, it’s okay. I think I’ll take him home. This was a bad idea, Jiwon. He’s not ready for all this.”

“Just let me see him for a bit before you go?”

He hears Hanbin sigh heavily. He hates that sound.

“Yeah, okay.”

“BA BA BA!”

He loves it, the way their son automatically lights up and reaches for him as soon as they see each other. Their daughter was growing up so fast and has friends and hobbies now but the baby was still his baby and wanted to be held all the time. He’ll miss it when he grows up too.

“Awww, I missed you!” He says, hugging the warm blob tightly. “Sorry it’s so boring.”

“It’s not boring.” Hanbin says. “He loves it. He wants to be on stage with you.”

“Oh. Then we should-”

“No.” Hanbin replies, shaking his head with a frown. “Everyone got pissed at us. It’s distracting. You know that.”

He does know that. He knows Hanbin’s right but it doesn’t mean he has to like it.

“This sucks.” He says, kissing their son’s chubby cheeks. “Cutest kid in the world and they plan a bloody tour now.”

“Cutest kid? Man, if your own daughter heard you talking....”

He smiles at Hanbin. “Come on, she thinks we’re lame now that she goes to school. At least this kid still likes me.”

“He loves you.” Hanbin murmurs, voice soft and warm.

He leans across the car to kiss Hanbin suddenly. Just because he wanted to.

“It’ll get easier right?”

Hanbin looks between him and their son. There’s uncertainty in his eyes but then, a small optimistic smile. “Yeah, I hope so.”

#i have a fever #if this sounds crazy #let's blame it on the flu #cwac baby snippets #this is their middle son #the baby elephant #cwac stuff

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mvssmallow · 5 years

Text

“I wanna see daddy!”

“No, it’s way past your bedtime. I’m going to tape it, we can watch it tomorrow okay?”

He just stares at their daughter, barely 4 and already asserting a kind of manipulative dominance in the house that he’s half terrified about. She might be in fairy pyjamas but there’s nothing soft and delicate about her glare and pout.

“BUT I WANNA SEE DADDY!”

He’s a father of two now. Discipline is critical for a fiery kid like her. He knows. But fuck it’s hard. As cute as she looks when she’s angry, he’s tired as hell and their son didn’t sleep very well last night so he’s just going to have to shut it down and deal with her hating him in about 2 minutes.

“We use our inside voice! I don’t want you shouting at me just because you want things. Your brother is asleep so don’t wake him up.” He says, as firmly as he can bear, before the guilt eats him alive.

“But I wanna see daddy......” She repeats in a wobbly voice, the fight gone straight out of her tiny body.

Oh god. Here it comes: the watery eyes, trembling lips, slumped shoulders....

“We’ll watch it together tomorrow okay? You, me and your brother.” He says, trying to muster up some cheerful energy that he really doesn’t have.

“But....you said.....you said.....daddy was beforming....” She says mournfully, in between pitiful sobs.

“Performing. He’s performing.”

“So we watch daddy per-forming?” She asks, small mouth trying to say the big word and looking up at him with tears still stuck to her eyelashes.

He’s a father of two now. Between him and Jiwon, he’s meant to the disciplinarian but dammit if this kid doesn’t test him on a daily basis. He knows Jiwon thinks it’s cute and let’s so much stuff fly when he’s at home but he has that luxury; the kids are better behaved when their cool rap dad is at home. A small part of him breaks at the thought that it’s because they know Jiwon will have to go away for work again in a few days and how all the toys in the world don’t actually replace having him around. They’re smart enough to make every moment count.

No 4 year old should have figured that out so fast.

And that’s it really. That’s how he finds himself sitting on the couch at 9pm, feeding their son in his lap (because he woke up after all) and watching their daughter lay on the floor in front of the TV, grinning ear to ear because it’s way past her bedtime and yeah yeah, because she won yet another battle. But oh well, he’ll let this one go. Jiwon’s performing at a big outdoor concert and he knows the song doesn’t actually have any swear words in it for once.

He’ll let this one go because deep down, maybe she can’t articulate it to him d due to her simplistic 4 year old mind, but he knows she must miss Jiwon just as much as he does.

It’s been 5 years, he’s watched countless live music shows and tours by now, but when Jiwon rises up on the stage, dressed head to toe in a black suit, with one purple and one blue Chuck Taylor on each foot and that famous arrogant smirk, his heart flips so aggressively that he feels like a teenager again.

Their daughter is already up on her feet, “It’s daddy! It’s daddy in the TV!”

He smiles right back at her because yeah, that’s her daddy.

#cwac baby snippets #cwac stuff #hanbin #and their kids who shall remain nameless #hahahahah #SpongeBob hasn't been born yet here #here you go: for whoever it was that asked #i don't have time to edit and post CWAC today #it's massive #this is a little similar to MV but well #they have a lot of kids ok #they're bound to be a little similar #i'd say minji is more happy go lucky #cwac daughter is SMART #and tests Hanbin on the daily

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mvssmallow · 5 years

Text

“A little to the left Jiwon.” The photographer orders, waving her hand back and forth. “Left a bit....a bit more....okay, perfect. Hold it there.”

The photoshoot has been dragging on for too long but his album was about to drop and he can’t afford a scandal now, especially not over something like this. He reminds himself to be grateful for his success but with the hot lights burning his eyes and sweat pooling underneath layers and layers of clothes, it’s hard to smile like he means it.

Hanbin would kick his ass if he ever heard what was going on in his head. He’d probably get the kids in on it too. It makes the corners of his mouth curl up automatically.

“That’s better Jiwon, hold it there....bit more...bit more....okay, good.” The photographer sighs in relief, lowering her camera and ordering the spotlights to dim down. “Think we got it but Jin wants some shots of you in the suit so maybe we’ll get those done after a coffee break?”

“Yeah, okay.” He nods, already taking off the bulky jacket they put him in. Coffee is banned right now but he’ll settle for a diet coke with ice.

It’s a sunny quiet day outside and once he’s back in his sweatpants, he finds a shady secluded patch of grass to sit on. There’s an unread message from Hanbin on his phone.

[He cried after you left. But now he’s eating grass]

[wth? whys he eatin grass]

[How am I supposed to know?! We’re at the park and he’s eating grass.]

[well did u stop him? is he gonna get sick]

[what kind of parent do you think I am!? Of course I did. But then he cried when I tried to take the grass away. I googled it btw. He’ll be fine.]

Hanbin sends a photo through and as soon as it loads, he laughs out loud to himself. It’s their youngest son, in a navy blue onesie, complete with a red hat that says ‘Please take care of this bear’ on it. His eyes are big but his gummy smile is bigger. There’s bits of grass all over his cheeks and a small clump in his chubby fist. He looks so proud of himself and completely ridiculous.

[fuck hanbin, he’s so cute]

[I know right haha]

[did u dress him like paddngton bear tho?]

[yeah, he likes it]

[he’s like 11 mnths old, just admt that YOU like it]

[I’m his dad. I can do what I want]

Hanbin sends through more photos of their son, each more unbearable than the one before it. The last one is of both of them laying on the picnic rug, Hanbin is in mid-laughter because their son is offering him the clump of grass.

He sets that one as his phone background. Fuck the rumours. It’s too cute.

“Jiwon?”

He looks up, smile still plastered on his face. “Yeah?”

The photoshoot assistant shrinks back a few steps and bows his head apologetically. “They just sent me to check if you were ready to continue?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.” He nods, sighing inwardly about how much time he misses with the kids. They’re growing up and he’s not even there for half of it.

[gotta go, see you this weekend]

[ok, me and Spongebob Paddington Bear miss you]

[the other 2 dont?]

[nah, they’re older so we’re really uncool now, it’s ok the baby bear is our best kid anyway]

[omg]

[I raised them, I can say what I want!]

[well, i rlly miss you and all our baby bears]

[i miss you too, stop moping and go back to work dad]

[ok, love you xxj]

[love you too xhxj]

He scrolls through all the recent photos again, past the baby cow-bear shots and to the other ones of their eldest daughter helping Hanbin renovate the treehouse and their middle son playing the piano. He is lucky. So lucky. Two more days and he’ll get to see them all again. Hopefully they haven’t forgotten all about him.

Sighing heavily, he relunctantly turns off his phone and walks inside the studio and back to work.

#cwac stuff #cwac baby snippets #i just wrote this #for the people who asked about spongebob #this is set pretty far into the CWAC future #he's their third kid #and youngest one #he eats everything

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mvssmallow · 5 years

Photo

the sky in my backyard 111218 : cwac

#cwac stuff #cwac visual cues #skies #i tried to get my dog somehow in the frame but he was judging me harder than Rocket judges Rap Jiwon

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mvssmallow · 5 years

Note

If you choose songs to describe each story right now what would they be?

BL: Sicko Mode, Runaway (instrumental for Jiwon), Runaway (original for Hanbin), Numb/Encore, Nightcall, Sex On Fire, Waste It On Me

UV: OG Bobby Johnson, Bitch Better Have My Money, Gas Pedal, Sex On Fire, Get Free, Heart In A Cage, Bangarang, Gun Harmonizing

DXM: Clubbed To Death (Remix), Faded, Born To Die, Life in Mono, Runaway

MV: Faded (current Timeline), Touch The Sky Intro (university Timeline), Don’t Let Me Fall (rap Timeline), Dreaming of You (dad Timeline), Ultraviolet (future or past Timeline)

CWAC: The Luckiest

#this took me way too long #listen to all of them #they're good #lol #cwac stuff #bl stuff #uv stuff #mv stuff #dxm stuff #music recommendation

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mvssmallow · 6 years

Quote

i do not want to have you to fill the empty parts of me i want to be full on my own i want to fill so complete i could light a whole city and then i want to have you cause the two of us combined could set it on fire

Rupi Kaur

#FOR CWAC!!!!#this is the quote that describes their relationship 100%#i can't even say which one of them it's for #because it's definitely both #cwac stuff #quotes

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mvssmallow · 6 years

Photo

cwac jiwon on holidays

#cwac visual cues #this looks just like him from the back #he'd have different tattoos #but in similar places #cwac stuff #cwac jiwon

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mvssmallow · 5 years

Text

CWAC: Chapter 29 Part I (temporary re-upload)

Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 29 Part I: …of airplanes.

Masterlist

Day 0

“You what?”

“I need to go to Japan.”

He stares at Hanbin’s back, waiting waiting waiting for the next reaction with a racing heartbeat in his throat.

“It’s three days till Christmas.”

“I know.” He says with a tired sigh. “They want to meet a producer over there. It’s the last time he’s free before he goes on hiatus with his family for a month. They want to get a lock on him before I start on the album.”

Hanbin stops cleaning his desk and turns around to face him. “When do you leave?”

“Now. Today.” He says, even more exhausted at the thought of having to pack for the airport. “Jin booked our flights already. The cars coming over in half an hour.”

Hanbin nods then and half shrugs. “Yeah okay.”

He’s a little taken aback, unsure what he was expecting but some part of him thought (hoped) that his absence would be more upsetting. He didn’t want to make them sad and miserable but there are times where he just craves some kind of evidence that he’s important in Hanbin’s life.

“So you’re okay with this right?”

“Yeah, of course. It’s your job now.” Hanbin moves past him to open their drawers and rummage for the passports kept there. “Which backpack do you want to take with you?”

He feels oddly blindsided by everything that’s happened this afternoon. The sudden phone call. The impromptu flight. Hanbin’s blasé response. His internal dissatisfaction.

“Jiwon? Which one?”

“Um, the blue one.”

A blue camo print backpack is thrown on the bed and his passport is tucked into the front pocket. He watches as their wardrobe doors slide open and Hanbin pauses to survey all the pre-ironed t-shirts just hanging there.

“Do you want me to help you pack?”

No, I want you to miss me when I leave.

He can’t say that out loud so instead, he settles for: “Yeah, if you’re not doing anything.”

Hanbin scoffs. “What else would I be doing right now?”

They pack with quiet efficiency. Well, he watches Hanbin pack with quiet efficiency, the tense stillness only punctuated by Hanbin’s short questions and his own single word answers. It makes him want to yell really loudly or say something stupid.

But the hour’s almost up. The car will be here soon.

“Wait a minute.” He’s checking the contents of the backpack with a frown, pushing phone chargers and socks out of the way but still not finding the thing he wants. “Where’s your Snoopy t-shirt?”

Hanbin looks at him with confusion. “Snoopy? That shirt is so old. Don’t you want one of your newer-”

“No.” He shakes his head, suddenly pissed off for some reason. “I need that one.”

It comes out harsher than he wanted it to but if picking a fight is the only way he’s going to get Hanbin to react then he’ll play dirty for once.

But Hanbin just goes and looks for the damm t-shirt without saying anything. It drives him insane and he can’t really remember a time he was this frustrated about Hanbin’s selective mutism.

“Here.” A soft and greying t-shirt is held out towards him. “Are you going to wear it out? It’s so old. It’s seriously getting holes in the sleeves.”

He takes it and tucks safely into his backpack. “No. I’m not going to wear it out. I just want to take it with me.”

“Okay.” Hanbin says slowly, eyes suddenly piercing into the side of his face like they always do when they’re trying to read his mind.

The phone in his his pocket starts buzzing and ringing then. Great timing as always. The car is downstairs to pick him up.

“I gotta go.”

Hanbin walks him to the front door and watches him put on his jacket and tie up his shoelaces.

“So umm, I guess I’ll see you when I get back?” He says, prepared and resigned to leave with just a brief kiss. Who knows how affectionate Hanbin is feeling right now.

“Message me when you land? And when you go to sleep.” Hanbin instructs, his voice shaky and watery for a split second. “And when you’re packing again too, so you don’t forget anything.”

He cracks the first smile of the day. “Yeah, I’ll just message you everything okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Then he sees it; the slumped shoulders, the downcast eyes that never meet his and the subtle frown pulling at the corners of Hanbin’s mouth. He can feel fingers playing with the straps of his backpack, even though there’s nothing to fix or adjust.

Well, finally.

“Come here.” He says softly, pulling at Hanbin’s t-shirt and relieved when there’s no resistance at all. Just a sigh.

He’s going to write a song about this one day. He knows it. This exact feeling whenever he pulls Hanbin’s slightly smaller body into his, the initial thrill of butterflies followed by the deep warm ache that comes from something so good, so unbelievable, so comforting, so his.

“Gonna miss me?” He asks. Fuck subtlety, he needs to hear the words sometimes.

There’s a nod against his chest that makes him want to laugh. Typical Hanbin.

“Say it baby. I wanna hear it.”

“Jiwon….” Hanbin whines.

“Baby..” He echoes with another laugh. “You’re gonna make me late if you don’t say it. I’m not leaving till you do.”

There’s more protesting and he can feel the outlines of Hanbin’s face as it tries to bury itself further into his chest. “Illmissyou.”

“What was that?”

Hanbin looks up at him then, all big doe eyes, long eyeslashes and static in his hair. “I’ll miss you.”

“You better.” He says with a relieved grin.

They don’t kiss for half as long as he wanted them to but it’s long enough for the phone to buzz in his pocket again.

“Ahh shit. I really have to go.”

Hanbin’s clinging onto him now, he can feel the slight panic and desperation in the way those fingers dig into his arm. He wonders if it’s wrong to want Hanbin to be like this all the time. It probably makes him a sadist or something but truthfully, nobody has ever needed him before and it’d be nice if that happened at least once in his life.

“Okay, well. I’ll message you when-”

“-I love you.”

It is so quiet against his own voice but he still hears it loud and clear.

Does he stop breathing? For a second? Or a minute. One of those. He’s not sure which one. The backpack is dropped to the ground and he holds that beautifully nervous face in his hands for so long that his phone buzzes in his pocket for a third time and he has the fleeting though that his Beatbox team should just go to Japan without him.

“Fuck, Hanbin.” He says in hushed disbelief. “Why did you have to say it right now? Worst timing ever. Shit, how am I supposed to leave?”

There’s the most sheepish of shrugs that makes Hanbin look even smaller. Maybe small enough to fit into his backpack.

“I really need to go but fuck, I’m gonna miss you so much. You have no idea. I haven’t even left and I miss you already. Wanna come with me? Please come with me?”

Hanbin laughs at his dramatics before leaning up to kiss him in that infuriatingly slow and sweet way that satisfies every empty part of his soul.

“Mmmmlove you.” He murmurs against those soft lips.

“I know.” Hanbin says with a smile before pushing him away gently. “Go to work. I’ll be here when you get back.”

He doesn’t bother hiding his sigh as he picks up his backpack. Every step outside their apartment door is harder than the one before it. He looks at Hanbin leaning against the doorframe in that old disneyland t-shirt, his hair is a mess, cheek flushed and there’s some kind of wistful bittersweet look on his face.

He loves him more than he loves his entire life.

It’s a crazy thought that he’d only read about or seen in movies, believing for all these years that they were unrealistic, impossible and overdramatic….until now.

“Don’t do anything stupid!” He shouts from down the corridor.

“Can’t anyway. My stupid is going to Japan!” Hanbin shouts back.

****

It’s weird.

Too many years spent on a diet of Linklater movies, Murakami books and songs about longing has got him expecting something that never comes. He expected to feel some big gaping hole when Jiwon left for the airport but he doesn’t.

Of course he misses him. He misses him a lot.

But that hollow melancholy that he felt when they broke up isn’t there. Which is good he supposes, he doesn’t want that feeling back. Ever.

It doesn’t really feel like Jiwon went anywhere though. He’s been gone for barely 20 minutes before the first of the texts come. It makes him smile like an idiot.

[did we pack snoopy?xj]

[Yeah we did. He’s in there. Don’t worry. hx]

He thought it’d end there until Jiwon lands in Japan but there’s another buzz of his phone after a few minutes.

[did we pack my passport?]

[YES omg]

[did we pack the killr bees]

[Yes. We packed everything you wanted. Stop asking me. Lol.]

[im bored.]

[Its been like 20 minutes.]

[Yeah I kno. Then we have to wt at the airprt]

[Your life is so hard. Poor baby.]

[Haha am I your baby now?]

[Idk, I have to check with my boyfriend]

[Wts he like]

[Better than you]

[wll thats rude]

[Talk to me when you have a record deal]

[its ok, gt my own bf. hes not as good as u tho]

[You can’t even pretend in texts?]

[haha nope. Can’t pretend like ur not the best]

[You need to get out more]

[nah, got u now. im nevr leavng]

It’s just a few words, full of typos, but it still makes his stomach drop.

[But what should we do about my boyfriend?]

[idk get a biggr bed haha]

[JIWON]

[WHAT]

[!!!]

[im kiddin! you gotta be crazy if u think im gonna share you]

[hey we’re here, hve to go. talk later.]

[love you baby xj]

[Have a safe flight. Love you too.xhx]

The smile doesn’t leave his face. Not for the entire time he makes dinner for himself. It’s only when he sits down at their table that he feels it, the hollow emptiness of the chair next to him, the off-balanced quietness of the apartment, the way there’s only one plate on the table. He looks at his phone but the screen is still black. He can’t even send a message, Jiwon would be in the middle of his flight.

The rest of the night isn’t much better. Even when he knows Jiwon has landed, there’s no texts. Maybe he was just busy.

He cleans up alone. Showers alone. Gets into an empty bed alone. And there’s still no message.

[Hey I’m going to bed now. Hope you’re okay over there. xh]

He doesn’t really sleep though. He can hear the traffic outside his window and it was always weirdly comforting to him, something to do with the mundaness of life continuing on regardless of how bad his day is. But it’s not working tonight, maybe it was only comforting listening to that sound when he had Jiwon’s warm body next to him.

It’s 1:30am when his dark room lights up from a text on his phone.

[are u still awake]

[Yeah?]

He expects another text marathon but Jiwon ends up calling.

“Hi baby.” Jiwon’s voice sounds rough, exhausted and muffled, like half of his face is against a pillow. “You okay to talk?”

“Yeah.” He’s not sure why it makes him sad that Jiwon has to even ask.

“Sorry I didn’t message or call. Jin got pissed that I was on the phone so much and just took it. He wanted to pack all this stuff into our schedule before Christmas. We just got back from this dinner with a bunch of Japanese rappers. I’m never drinking again.”

He laughs to cover up his paranoia. “Yeah? Did you have a good time?”

Jiwon groans in pain. “I think there should be an age limit on alcohol.”

“There is.”

“It should be like, 30.”

He laughs for real this time. “What happened? Did you do something stupid?”

“No!”

“Didn’t dislocate any jaws today?”

“No, I did not.” Jiwon says bitterly. “We just did a few shots. I’m gonna be so hungover tomorrow and that’s when we’re meeting Doc.”

His ears perk up at that and a shiver runs down his spine. “Who?”

“Doc McKinney. That’s the producer they want to get for my album. Which isn’t even half written by the way, I don’t get why they’re-”

“Wait. Doc McKinney? The american producer?”

“Yeah? You know him?”

“YES.”

“Tablo met him at some company event last month. Thank god he can speak English. They think it’ll be good promo to have a big shot producer on my album but why the hell would he want to work with a no name?” Jiwon laughs then. “Imagine what’s going on in his head. From the Weeknd to me. What a joke.”

“It’s not a joke.” He says firmly. “You’re good on your own but if you got him on your debut Jiwon….that would be crazy.”

“Yeah I know. I’m not gonna put much into it though. We got Tablo, that’s enough.”

Out of the two of them, he doesn’t know how he ended up being the more ambitious one when all the talent was with Jiwon.

“Still try though, right? You never know where it’ll go. It’s always good to make some contacts in the music business. He might be handy when you get into the US market.”

Jiwon snorts down the phone line. “US market? Are you tripping? I’m not even in the Korean market.”

“You should aim high.” He says, smiling at the dark ceiling. “You have the talent and personality for it.”

“I love talking to you. My ego grows like three sizes bigger every time.”

“Good.”

“Hey you know what else grows three sizes bigger?”

He groans at Jiwon’s lame line. “Seriously? That’s how you’re going to change the topic?”

“Yep. That’s how I’m gonna do it.” Jiwon says, words getting more and more slurred. “What are you wearing?”

“Wait. Do you have your own room?”

There’s a bark of laughter down the line. “Yeah, I do. I’m not that much of freak Hanbin. I’m not you.”

He goes red, even though nobody can see him. “I have never done it in a room full of other people! What are you talking about?!”

“I mean, you like it when you think you might get caught.”

He stays silent, trying to think of an answer that doesn’t self-sabotage or reveal any of his other kinks.

“Am I right?” Jiwon asks with a chuckle. “I am, aren’t I? You are so loud. Remember that time in the carpark? I get so hard whenever I think about it.”

Of course he remembers that night. He remembers it so vividly that he can still smell the sweat on Jiwon’s skin, the hunger in his eyes and the way he always comes with that deep growl.

“Baby? You still there?”

His hand was already wandering down between his legs. “Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just….”

“…thinking about it?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. What are you wearing?”

“Puppy pyjamas?”

Jiwon groans. “Why do you have to be so fucking cute at a time like this?!”

“You asked! What are you wearing?”

“Snoopy.”

He laughs. “Well, why do you have to be so fucking cute too?”

“Snoopy smells like you.”

His hand stops in its track. His stomach does that nervous flip again.

“Jiwon….”

“Yeah yeah, I know. I’m supposed to be nasty and talk about how much I want to fuck you right now. But here I am telling you that I took your stupid t-shirt to Japan just so I can pretend I’m sleeping with you. Fuck!” Jiwon laughs at his own ridiculousness. “I can’t even do phone sex right.”

He waits until his breathing sounds normal again. “I….really want to fly over there. Like, right now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Miss me?”

“Yeah, I really do. It sucks being in this bed without you.”

“Well, it sucks being in another country without you. God, how lame are we? It hasn’t even been 24 hours.” Jiwon says in exhaustion before yawning. “My body is so confused right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t know if it’s awake or asleep. I’m half hard but half not. I really need to come but I’m too tired. And I miss you, so I’m sad, but I’m talking to you right now, so I’m kinda not.”

“You’re a mess.” He says with a chuckle, wanting to reach through the phone line to pull Jiwon into their bed. “What you need is sleep. Big day tomorrow.”

“I can’t sleep though! My dick is waiting for me to do something.”

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t know? Do it with me?”

He kicks his blankets off and throws the puppy pyjamas on the ground. He knew this was coming. “Take your pants off. And Snoopy too.”

“….Okay.”

He waits for the rustling on the other end to stop before talking again.

“I want to hear you touching yourself. Can you do that? I want to hear all those noises you make.”

“Fuck…..you sound so hot talking like this.” Jiwon says. “I’m so hard right now.”

“Good. What are you thinking about?”

“What your mouth feels like. I wish it was here with me.”

“Just my mouth?” He laughs. ‘What would you do with the rest of me?”

There’s a soft muffled sound, like Jiwon was rolling over in bed. “Mmm, no. I wanna hear what you wanna do.”

He’s stroking himself with a faster rhythm now and as much as the words always make him cringe, he’s so turned on and out of his mind that it’s like someone else just took over.

“I kind of…..want you to fuck me backstage after one of your shows.”

There’s a deep moan through the phone’s static. “Keep going, babe.”

“Sometimes I watch you on stage and you’re so sweaty and aggressive. I always wanted to pull you behind the curtains and lick all that sweat off you.”

“Mmmhmm. Then what?”

“Then you’d push me on the ground and I’d complain that my knees hurt. But you wouldn’t care. You’d hold my jaw and make me open my mouth just so you can fuck into it until I’m gagging and begging you to stop.”

“Keep going keep going….I’m so close…”

His hand is so wet now and he can hear Jiwon’s erratic breathing through the phone.

“I wouldn’t want you to stop though. I want it to hurt. I want to taste you when you cum in my mouth and when you’re done, I want you to fuck me and fill me up so much that it drips down my legs…”

There’s a strained ‘fuck!’ through the phone line followed by that familiar raspy growl and whispers of his name. His own head is full of flashbacks of that night in the carpark, he remembers Jiwon’s eyes as he pushed in, so deep and slow that the stretch made him want to scream. It was an overwhelming mix of desperation, aggression and possession. It’s that memory that makes him close his eyes now and cum all over his hand with a drawn out moan.

There’s a few seconds of silence where all he can hear is their breathing but suddenly Jiwon starts laughing.

“What?!”

“Nothing nothing. I was just thinking of how much trouble you’re gonna be in when I come home.”

He smiles in the darkness, sweaty and aching everywhere. How the hell are they going to handle three days apart?

Soundtrack: July - Kris

#cwac stuff #cwac re- uploads #the original chpt got flagged #tumblr is reviewing the original post #this is a temporary post until the issue is resolved

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