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d0d0-b0i · 1 year

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(SPOILER FILLED) alrighty, time for some more cohesive thoughts on prime for me (since my last one was written directly after finishing it and now its had time to sit in my brain) (long post btw, i ramble @w@)

overall, i very much enjoyed it! the animation had me positively salivating over the fact that its /actually/ using animation techniques and not just. moving characters from A to B without the time for proper stylization. the overall plot was enjoyable and i am excited to see what the rest of the season will offer.

the fact that it is only one-third of the whole season also makes me a lot more forgiving about certain flaws i found at first, like only showing three worlds and not giving the characters a lot of time to breathe. theres the very high likelihood that such a thing actually will happen, and we might even see more places and worlds, which is an exciting thought! nonetheless, going in i did not know this as i was sleep deprived and had forgotten how many episodes the season has, so i felt a little bit salty, ngl.

Devon Mack does a very good job as sonic, and it makes me feel warm inside hearing his portrayal! every actor does a great job honestly, and it truly feels like they all understand the respective character they voice act(especially considering they have to acclimate the character /and/ voice for each new world. very talented!). the eggman voice actor could use some rerecords at times honestly;; but he does a good enough job that i only notice it sometimes; and he is fun to listen to regardless, and is just a subjective thought of mine.

the different universes also intrigue me! :D i really enjoyed the first one the jungle one was interesting and had beautiful flora models, but it is with this one that a problem of mine arises (but ill get to that later). the waterworld was also interesting, but kind of boring worldwise, since its just. water. (i get that its a pirate world and thats fine! i just cant give a good description of my feelings besides just. water. yknow?)

ive seen that a lot of people think rouge shouldve been the captain in the third world and. honestly. yeah. i think we might get to see why later on? but idk. i hope they have a reason that makes sense as to why she isnt, like if the worlds stick around and dont fuse back, shed be the next captain? weh! (i do love knuckles in a captains outfit though, so bonus points for that!)

now. i only have a few “criticisms”, and although some can be attributed to not being intended for me(and i will therefore not include cus. duh), there is one thing i just cannot let slip by.

(CRITIQUE START) the issue i have is that it feels so empty. new yolk (i refuse the yoke) is populated, but later episodes only really reuse the same five models roughly multiple times and i think had at most like 30? of them at the same time, and obviously could not have had more due to budget and such (which is understandable, but that still doesnt mean i cant point it out).

the jungle episodes! THE JUNGLE EPISODES?? ONLY HAD 5?? CHARACTERS MINUS SONIC (froggy counts) AT ALL TIMES?? and even the flashbacks only show those, probably so as not to imply death but like. come on. not even a few background characters at all? am i meant to believe they will all die out anyway simply by being the last people on this earth? im sorry i just cant get over this. you can make sean mcloughlin, mr jacksepticeye, get a cameo and his own personal character model, BUT CANNOT EVEN FILL A JUNGLE WITH PEOPLE?? did i miss something? if theyd shown even /one/ bg character once in a single frame in the flashbacks, id forgive it but i. cannot. im sorry. im nitpicking but come on! this is like the only issue i have. you only have 11 of the original characters in the first place (sonic. tails. knuckles. amy. rouge. big. froggy. shadow. eggman. orbot. cubot.), and then half of them are pretty much gone most of the time.

i just. its so empty? DO NOT GET ME WRONG I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. I DEEPLY ENJOY THIS SHOW! I LOVE THE CHARACTERS WEVE GOTTEN TO SEE !!! THAT DOES NOT MEAN I CANNOT COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING I HAD TROUBLE PROCESSING. if its gonna be a show about sonic and his friendships. where the fuck are the rest of them? is all we’re gonna get homages to their characters? (jungle knuckles was just sticks. come on now. just put her in shes already canon to the mainline games now) sega, if youre going to make a show about his friendships, why wont you let his friends be there? why can you only license 11 of your characters to the show? please make me eat my words.

and yeah you could say that the reasons others arent there (in-canon, not because of legal issues) is because they werent hit close-up with the prism shatter, but neither was big? he was shown to be down by the hills when it exploded, and i dont know if that counts considering that orbot and cubot arent even in any episode besides the first one, and they werent visible in the blast, i do not know what the blast radius would be to affect anything else. eugh. idk man. this is like the ONE issue i have, and its so small it feels meaningless. yeah yeah the budget the tight grip on characters yadda yadda i get the reasons behind it but it still affects the endgoal and i should be allowed to point it out. (CRITIQUE OVER)

that being said. i am in love with the character designs! especially a big fan of sonics gloves and shoes in the pirate world. i fuck w/ that very much <3

anyway, thats it. show good. binge it if possible! we need netflix to know that we like this. and maybe theyll realize that one episode per week for this show would be perfect (im looking at you episode recaps)

#sonic prime #sonic prime spoilers #if i come off as neg at the crit part. sorry not sorry! its a small thing but it just bothers me for some reason #i am open to explanations or attempts at making me understand because i am very stupid <3 #anyway i respect the creators very clearly doing their best #theres a lot of love and labor put into this and that is very clear #the direction has intent and is going somewhere and i respect it a lot 👍#and i am excited to see where it goes #anyway give me your thoughts if you have any and wanna share! i love hearing others out :D

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heliianth · 11 months

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here’s another ask for you: talk abt whatever you want!!!

WAUGH thank u for a new one!!!!! ilysm!!!!!

rambling abt sonic and character foils and the IDW comics below the cut this is aimless enough for me to want it be an opt-in experience LOL

i was gonna talk abt this last night but it was 11 AnyWay. i saw a criticism of the IDW comics on reddit a long time ago and its got me thinking recently. someone said they didn't quite enjoy the way the comic was tackling sonic as a character not because of the inconsistencies in his pre-established beliefs (which are present) per se but because IDW keeps challenging them in ways that don't feel, from what i remember the comment saying, "good-spirited"? i hadnt heard that critique before so it was unique enough to catch my interest but not actually think much until now. but theres a reason for that hold on ok

so. to preface this whole thing. some of the most beloved stories in the series are ones that Do challenge sonic's beliefs. thats the reason why, when the series wants to tackle more mature content, they make foil characters. sa2 which reddit largely considers as having the best story has foil characters everywhere but specifically it spends a lot of energy on it's themes of identity and growth by making sonic and shadow clash not just physically but ideologically. that talk they have after final rush/chase basically spells it out and its framed as shadow hearing sonic out and then dismissing him ("what are you/i'm me/i see, well, i'm gonna beat your ass" <- basically). and then later on sonic's viewpoint is reinforced when shadow (airquotes) dies, but not before sonic himself is visibly impacted in the credits sequence. that whole story right there was, at least thematically, one about sonic having his beliefs challenged. SatBK does this as well, a game which is applauded within the general community as having the most accurate sonic characterization. stories that do adjacent things, like the OVA, s3&k, sa1, where character foils are a prominent part of the theming (though maybe not presented in a way where sonic himself necessarily feels ideologically Challenged), are often very popular as well

the time i saw the criticism was about when the surge saga was coming to an end, but i was new at that point so i really dismissed the whole discussion. sonics allowed to be challenged, thats what happens when you have a static character as a protagonist. but now that ive reread IDW a few times and have identified some of my own issues with the run so far i've been thinking about that reddit comment more often. why is the way IDW challenges sonic so different from the way stories like SatBK or sa2 challenge him? why is one intriguing and the other not "good-spirited?" nowadays i think the issue is less with tone or intent like the wording of the original comment implies, but the conclusion of those stories. all of those previous examples i gave culimate in sonic succeeding, yes bc hes the title character, but moreso bc hes the vehicle through which the themes of the series are delivered. SatBK wasn't going to have merlina win because the story was trying to tell the audience that life is only worth living when its finite. sa2 killed off shadow because it was about how being unable to move on eats someone from the inside out. these are broad overarching themes that are present in the whole series and its generally agreed that sonic at his best is representative of those themes, which is why hes static

but IDW kind of has a messy history with conclusions. or, at least, conclusions that feel like they are trying to Say something in the way i've been talking about. after everything is done and the threat of the week is defeated, it all kind of returns back to a status quo, which im very sure is not the fault of the writers. long-running series are supposed to have a status quo that keeps stuff the same so that new audiences wont be alienated by huge character histories and lore timelines and things to catch up on (The Most Intimidating thing abt like archie for example). its partially why u see almost no fleshed out arcs that span multiple games after 06 (man the word partially is doing some legwork there but if i talked abt why sonic games changed so drastically after the mid 2000's i would be here all fucking day). and there are conversations to be held about that status quo and its place in the games and whether its beneficial or not but imo when talking about IDW, a comic which is supposed to have continuity, it kind of obliterates the potential of having meaningful conclusions and the themes that come along with them. because IDW always approaches "sonic feels ideoloically challenged" and it never goes beyond it. it nudges and hints at criticism of IDW sonic's beliefs, actions, and philosophy, but it doesn't do anything with it. the status quo says sonic can't change that much, which is good when the conclusion of stories have themes that prove he's already got it figured out, and bad when there's a big gaping question mark where a lesson should be. the surge saga i think is the glaring example of this precisely because its so conclusionless (theres also how sonic himself engages with her but thats a convo for another day).

so when that redditor said they thought the surge saga lacked a "good-spiritedness" that stories with a similar concept like SatBK or sa2 had i think they were picking up the vibes of the story being kind of... pointless at least in terms of themes and actual impact on the characters, rather than a lack of earnestness, a tone blunder, or strange intent on the part of the writers

im really curious how the urban warfare saga is resolved now precisely bc this lack of meaningful conclusion problem is so prevalent . depending on how passionate i am i may make a more formal analysis post abt it or something, but probably not considering i read IDW very very casually . which feels like a contradiction after writing all this but . yanno

#heliianswers #yes i treat long text posts on tumblr like essays where only the ones with theses and structure im proud of deserve-#-to come out from under the readmore button. what of it #heliichats #sth

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mxchellesworld · 3 years

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𝟑 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐊𝐢𝐧𝐝 - 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐

𝐒𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫 𝐑𝐞𝐢𝐝 𝐱 𝐂𝐚𝐭 𝐀𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐒𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰, 𝐂𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐬𝐞.

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: no explicit smut, impact play, use of toys

𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 | 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

***

Getting up from the barstool you made a beeline headed straight towards the stage. There were no chairs so you assumed everyone just stood and watched. Letting the area fill up a bit, you waited exactly to follow Cat’s instructions of being smack in the center.

After about five minutes the lights started to dim signaling the their show was about to start. You wondered what they were going to do. Obviously they weren’t about to bust out in song and dance. The single chair and square table filled with toys let you know it was going to be a demonstration of some sort. But were they going to use them on each other? Was it just going to be sharing detailed information or were they actually going to go all out?

Soon they walked out arm in arm like they had before. Spencer’s dress shirt was now folded, exposing his veiny forearms. Cat looked the same, donning a coy smile. Once they reached the center their eyes glossed over the crowd until they met your own. Spencer leaned down to whisper something in her ear. Neither of them sparing you from their piercing gaze while the exchange happened.

They shared a look of approval before starting whatever they had planned. Spencer spoke up first.

“Thank you all for joining us tonight. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time in the Library so far,” he said as his eyes looked over the crowd.

“Tonight we’re doing something a bit different,” Cat spoke looking around trying to get the audience intrigued. It worked as there was a low murmur at her words, “Tonight we’ll give one of you the chance to help with our demonstration,” she paused in her sentence to look right at you, “punishment. In front of everyone here.”

You could feel your eyes widen. The heat on your cheeks rising. She had to have been talking about you. This had to have been what Spencer meant when he said to follow directions.

You noticed the people around you were just as excited. Who wouldn’t be? With the chance to have both of their hands on you. You had to stop yourself from clenching your thighs together at the thought of being up there for everyone to see.

They walked around the stage looking down at the audience, building up anticipation over what lucky patron was going to be at the end of their wrath. They didn’t seem like forgiving dominants. Although Spencer seemed like he was a lot kinder than Cat. There was a sheen of goodness under his honey eyes.

They made their way to center stage, Cat pulled out the chair from the table and brought out to face the crowd.

“We know who we want,” she said looking you up and down.

You were buzzing at what was to come. And you knew they could sense how desperate you were. It was almost pathetic. However that all washed away as soon as they picked the lucky volunteer for the night.

Spencer pointed his finger to a girl next to you. She was small even in her heels. A baby pink dress was loose on her frame but still tight enough to show her curves. Her auburn hair was shining under the low lights of the stage.

God you were so stupid. Of course they’d pick someone else over you. You bit your lip as you watched her walk up the steps onto the stage. You didn’t want to let the disappointment spread across your features. You thought about turning around and leaving to save yourself the embarrassment but the way their hands roamed her body as she sat down pulled you right back in.

“What a pretty little angel,” Cat said as she put a strand of red hair behind the girls ear.

“You’ll be good for us won’t you princess?” Spencer spoke as he let his fingers trace her shoulders and collar.

It struck you. Those were the things they had said to you earlier. This was all a game to get you riled up. The striking eye contact and use of names. This was all for you. Yet you still felt a twinge of jealousy at the fact their hands were on someone else. You didn’t even know these people yet you felt so connected.

You were pulled out of your head by a loud sigh being let out. You looked up to see Cat with a fist full the a girls hair. Spencer was leaning forward with his hand on her cheek trailing his thumb over her parted glossy lips.

“You’ve been acting like a brat tonight haven’t you?” Cat spoke out.

The girl tried her best to nod in their grasp.

“Answer your Mistress when she’s talking to you,” Spencer said to the girl with a light slap on her cheek.

You both basically whimpered at the same time. You were in a spell watching how they treated the tiny girl up on the stage.

“I’ve been so bad tonight Mistress,” the girl spoke shifting her head a little to face Cat.

However Spencers hand on her chin pulled her head back to face the front.

“I didn’t say you could look at me,” Cat gritted out into the girls ear. She nodded her head over to Spencer. He picked up the cue as a sign to grab something off the table. He grabbed ropes and a riding crop.

Walking back Spencer leaned in and whispered in the girls ear. You assumed asking if it was ok to continue as she nodded in response with a kind smile. He handed the crop to Cat while he tied the girls hands behind the chair. She was clenching her legs to try and gain some friction.

Cat scoffed at the sight and landed a smack on her thigh, “Spread your legs. That slutty cunt doesn’t deserve to feel any pleasure.”

“I’m sorry Mistress,” the girl let out in a breathy whisper. It was barley audible but easily heard over the silent crowd. Everyone was in awe at what was going on before their eyes.

The time of their set went by in a blur. After having her count the strikes Cat unleashed on her thighs you were basically clocked out mentally. You were swimming in the possibilities of what would happen if you just got a chance to spend the night with them. People started to disperse as they wished everyone a good night. You turned to leave as Spencer started to untie the girl. He pulled her up and handed her a bottle of water.

You headed towards one of the many velvet chairs in the lounge. Taking the time to people watch and observe how they carried themselves in the place. You pulled your phone out of the small purse on your shoulder to check the time. 1:30 in the morning. You felt like you had been up for a life time but the lust coursing through your veins was enough to keep you awake.

You felt a strong hand on your shoulder which made you lift your head to see who it was.

“Did you enjoy the show?” Spencer said as he sat in the chair opposite you. He spread his legs, running his hands over the material of his dark dress pants.

“It was alright,” you answered crossing your legs. You watched the veins on his hands and long fingers spread over his thighs.

“Just alright? Was it the fact we picked someone less desperate over you?” He said as he licked his lips.

Your breath hitched at his words. So you were right, they did do that on purpose. But why?

Just then Cat sauntered over and sat on one of Spencers thighs. Wrapping her arm behind is neck and playing with the curls. You noticed his strong grip around her waist. They were the poster image for power couple.

She looked over to you before speaking, “So tell me little angel, have you done anything like this before?”

“Um no not really,” you said crossing your arms over your front. Something about their heated gaze on you made you feel small.

She got up from her perch on Spencer and moved to sit over your lap. She picked up your chin with her finger.

“Would you like to?” she said softly.

You furrowed your brow a little at her question, “like to what?”

“Be our little plaything,” she finished, whispering in your ear then pressing a little kiss on the shell of it.

You looked over at Spencer who gave you a nod of confirmation. You turned your head over to look back at Cat in the eyes.

“Yes Mistress.”

She gave you a devilish smile then stood back up. Spencer stood as well and stepped over to you. The both of them towered over your seated form. So thats how the girl from earlier felt.

“Go wait for us outside princess, we’ll be out in a few minutes,” he said before they turned to talk to other patrons.

Again you had no other choice but to follow their demands. You walked out to front seeing Penelope still sitting at the front desk.

“Ooh how was your first time honeybunch?” she asked excitedly.

“It was good,” you smiled at her, glossing over the fact her bosses were about to do unholy things to your body. Or so you hoped.

“Great! Here’s my number if you need anything. Have a goodnight Y/n, be safe,” she said handing you a pink sticky note with glittery writing on it.

“Goodnight Penelope,” you said waving before walking out the door.

The night air was prickling your skin. Yet something told you that was going to be the least amount of pain you’d feel all night.

“Ready to go angel?” you heard Cat from behind you.

You turned around and nodded making your way over to where they stood, blood racing at the thought of all the possibles which could happen later in the night.

#spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #mgg smut #mgg x reader #cat adams x reader #cat adams smut #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #criminal minds smut #chellewrites

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lunatic-fandom-space · 3 years

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Im about to finally watch that NC review of The Wall after watching a bunch of videos about it and Im just gonna put my thoughts during it in this post

Okay I just checked this review has 85k dislikes, 22k likes and 1.5 million views Im scared

I also havent watched actually watched The Wall btw, but I did watch Folding Ideas video if that helps

Oh god I really liked NC in like 2019 and even the beginning of 2020 and his greeting is giving me vietnam flashbacks

I hate Dougs voice already

Okay a bunch of shit is happening

Now theyre just showing clips from the original movie but as a horrible montage with fire edited over it

Dougs face makes me uncomcortable and I hate looking at it

Hes singing again goddamnit

Thank god, an ad

He stopped singing again thank god

What the fuck is that

I hate those giggles theyre awful

Why is Doug Walker a vampire

The costuming is straight up awful what is the budget on this

The cg is so bad and outdated why did they even bother

What are these dance moves

Theyre mentioning twitter now???

I just watched that 3 musical minute sequence and I have no idea what Doug is even trying to say

He spat out a bird? Huh??

What

Bro the animation is so bad

This would literally be completely incoherent without the on the nose lyrics

"So long Oscar-bait song/smoke a bong and it'll feel less wrong" bro what

I havent even watched the fucking movie and even I know hes missing the point, how did I ever think his reviews were good

I didnt not need to see Doug Walker wailing about being Jesus while shirtless in front of badly edited stockphoto water

What is that

His acting is so bad and I still hate his face

Im not even halfway through

I just wanna go back to working on my AU while watching actually good longform reviews

I cant even read the comments bc I wanna focus on the review itself I hate it here

This frame is very blue. I love the color, but its kinda out of place and was probably not done on purpose

What now

What

Why

I wanna commit crimes

Have I mentioned that I hate looking at Dougs face

That was, without exageration, the worst sponsor Ive ever seen

ITS NOT OVER???

I too call the people I am writing a love letter to whiny and pretentious

Oh god

What in the world

I didnt think it was possible but Dougs singing voice just got worse

Dude they drew on his head with like, marker or something and I can see it smudge

He got all these people and all these props and had these wholeass songs written but he couldnt even brush his fucking teeth before going on Youtube

Okay theyre doing a full on twitter song

What is this shit

This is the most boomer centrist thing I have ever seen in my life

What the fuck was that

The eye imagery going on is geniuienly very unsettling and kind of disorienting but I cant really appreciate it bc its just so bad

What is that

AND AD THANK GOD

Back to the bullshit

What is that

The greenscreen looks so bad

Only 11 minutes lets fucking gooooooo

Doug Walker standing in that hallway doing a power stance is my new sleep paralasis demon

Dude what are they even doing

What is that squirrel thing on this random guys counter

I dont understand whats going on

What in the world is that furry nightmare squirrel in the studio

Why is the edgy cowboy furry OC lecturing me about The Arts

I legimately cant understand most of the words being said and I have no idea if its because my brain has been fried or because they just went with the first take of every line

This part of the review is usually praised as "the best part" so Im both intrigued and really scared

Oh god its another furry OC

Okay I actually quite like the design of the grey furry with the big hat and six arms I just really hate the way he moves, I think it would look better as a static model or preferably a 2d drawing

Another Ad!

I also like the black one with the white horns and red accents

Okay what the fuck is that

I mean the one with the way too many antlers is a bit better than the one before it but it looks like the designer kinda gave up at this point

This feels like an acid trip but in the worst way

I think this is the first thing Ive seen that had a dragon in it, that didnt make it better at all

I mean. i guess this is very impressive but why

I feel like every single voice actor for these creatures recorded the lyrics with a completely different mic

Hey, what the fuck

Well this sure is all happening

What

"Well, the movie ended on such an open vagueness that it only makes sense the the review end on such an open vagueness" hey fuckface, thats not how reviews work

Thank you musician guy who had no lines up until now (I think his name was Corey??)

All of this bullshit and for WHAT

Theyre singing the spongebob squarepants theme song

These 30 seconds where the most I enjoyed myself consecutively during this entire 40 minute video

I dont know how, but Doug Walker somehow manages to stay unlikeable even while hes shouting out a charity that probably does wonderful work

In conclusion, there is a total of 5 Things I Enjoyed in this 40 minute review:

That gray furry with the hat and six arms

That black furry with the horns and red accents and eyes

The shade of blue during that one very blue shot

The spongebob squarepants theme

Apparently Griff Taylor (the son of the musician guy, Corey Taylor) is a fan of NC for some reason and his dad pretty much did this for him, and I can appreciate that on some level

#live blogging #ig #review ig #idk what to tag this as #channel awesome #nostalgia critic

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cottoncandyshawn · 6 years

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Babydoll Dancer (Part 2)

Synopsis: Shawn hasn’t heard anything from y/n since the night he saw her on stage. Becoming fed up of waiting, he takes matters into his own hands.

Warnings: Mentions of smut in the start, but thats about it I think!

Word Count: 2k

Like and reblog if you enjoyed this xx

He had tried to busy himself with paperwork. Tried to occupy his mind with thoughts of anything other than her, but it always found its way back, causing his heart to skip a beat and his chest to flush. He couldn't help but remember the way her hips had swayed to the music playing over the speakers, or the way the light coating of sweat on her chest shone under the bright lights. The way her eyes held contact with his, like she was trying to figure him out.

It had been almost two weeks since he gave her his name and number, bolting out of the hidden burlesque lounge soon after so that he could tend to his throbbing length, which had been trapped in the confines of his tight pants.

He found himself checking his phone more often than he would on a regular business day, disappointment settling deep within his chest when he found no texts and no missed calls. He wondered if the unspoken chemistry they shared that night was just all a part of her act, and that he'd read too far into it in the moment; too caught up in the lust and butterflies of it all to notice.

It wasn’t often that he got restless when he was alone in his penthouse, but restless was an understatement of what he was feeling this evening. Had this been any night prior to watching Babydoll dance, he would have busied himself with office work, signing papers, finalising deals; anything to keep himself occupied until he was ready to retire for the night.

Some nights he would settle himself in bed even earlier than usual. His underwear neglected somewhere on the floor as he tugged at his leaking cock desperately, his head alternating between tipping back and exposing his throat as he gasped and moaned, and watching the naked woman on his laptop screen take whatever her man was giving her. The act leaving him satisfied as he would wonder into the ensuite bathroom to clean up the mess of a painting he had created across his chiseled abdomen and flushed chest.

Tonight was different though, he couldn’t concentrate on anything, with the memory of how her lips had wrapped around her index finger clouding his mind. The image of how she had sucked away the champagne, holding eye contact with him until it all became too much and he had to look away had embedded itself in his brain. It replayed vividly every time he closed his eyes, keeping him awake and as restless as the flickering Toronto city lights.

Sighing heavily, Shawn pushes away from his kitchen counter, his fingers combing his messy curls away from his face. He wasn’t angry or frustrated, he was simply confused. Everything her body language was telling him that night in the dimly lit room was saying that she was as interested as he was. He’d left the ball in her court. Grabbing a water bottle from the refrigerator, he leaned against his cold, marble bench tops and sipped from the glass vessel. He wondered if the reason she hadn’t called was his own fault. Had he given her the wrong number? Did she not see the note?

Placing the bottle down on the counter, he pulled his phone out to check the day.

Saturday, 10:05 PM

Remembering that she said she danced every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday, serving every other day; a knowing smile crept up onto his features. Pushing off the bench he made a beeline for his room to change into his black jeans and a maroon button down shirt, his excitement building as he grabbed his car keys and headed to the out towards his Jeep.

The club was exactly how he remembered it as he payed his entry fee and pulled back the thick, ruby red curtain. The strong scent of sweat and cheap cologne hitting him all at once as his eyes adjusted to the dim lights. Searching the room, there was no sight of her, only other waitresses and older men with their hands covering their crotches and their eyes glued to the dancers on stage. Making his way over to the bar, he had to pause for a moment as he spotted her. There she was, looking so cute as she moved around behind the bar, a concentrated expression falling over her features as she appeared to be mixing a drink. It was busier tonight, the atmosphere in the small burlesque lounge buzzing with adrenaline and lust. She looked stressed and it made him worry that now may not have been the best time to interrupt.

Pushing his thoughts and hesitation aside, he made his way to the bar, standing in front of her, taking note of how her lips pouted ever so slightly as she dedicated her focus to the task at hand. She must have felt eyes on her as she smiled and looked up, her expression dropping as they locked eyes. She remembered him, how could she not?

He realised that he was staring, a blush finding its way to his cheeks and his hands becoming clammy as he battled with the excitement bubbling over in the pit of his stomach… what the hell was happening to him?

“Hi,” he spoke first, his teeth showing in a relieved smile behind his pink lips.

“Uh, hi! Nate, our bartender will be with you in a moment-“

“I’m actually not here for the show. Do you- do you have time to talk?” He played with the ring on his finger, a nervous habit he had picked up over the years as things started getting serious at work.

“I’m working,” she spoke bluntly as she made her way out from behind the bar, grabbing her serving tray and beginning to weave her way between tables to serve drinks to patrons.

He couldn’t help himself as his eyes travelled south on her body, appreciating the curve of her hips with a low hum deep in his chest as she sauntered away from him.

Realising that she was moving farther away from his at a fast pace, he made the quick decision to walk fast and catch up to her, apologising to audience members as his large frame momentarily blocked their view.

“Can we please talk for a moment? I promise it’ll only be quick, please-“

She fought back the urge to smirk as she interrupted him… was he begging?

“Shawn, I said I’m working! Come back another time,” she spoke louder, frustration evident in her tone.

‘She said my name. So, she did get the note,’ Shawn thinks to himself.

Just as she decides to continue walking away from him, his hand reaches out and gently grips onto her upper arm. He looks at where his hand is placed and notices how soft her skin is, small bumps arise under his warm grip and it softens the mood slightly.

His eyes trail up slowly, meeting her’s as he searches for any signs of hesitation.

“I really need to talk to you. Please.”

His eyes bore into her’s, pleading her silently to agree to a quick conversation.

She pauses, as if she’s thinking. Weighing up the pros and cons of being one-on-one with him. She’s nervous, he can tell. It runs through her like electricity, lighting up her gorgeous eyes with worry, or maybe that was just the spotlight searching the room for the current performer. Either way, it didn’t matter to him. She was in front of him, and she was beautiful.

She lets out a huff, and it’s as if they’d both been holding their breath, waiting for the other to react first.

“Go wait at the bar, I’ll be there in a few,” she sighs out in defeat.

A thankful grin crosses his features as the look in his eyes screams a million thanks.

Sitting at the bar, he orders himself a rum and coke. The alcoholic liquid calms his nerves momentarily as he sips on it slowly, not at all phased by the performance on stage as he scrolls through his phone, waiting for her to finish up serving drinks. He can feel eyes burning into him and when he glances up, he’s met with a pissed off glare from Nate, who is standing on the other end of the bar as he dries a few martini glasses. Thinking nothing of it, he looks down at his phone again, until he hears Nate clear his throat and he looks up, yet again meeting his burning eyes. Shawn raises his eyebrows and offers a friendly smile, only to be scoffed at. Before he has the chance to react, he feels someone take the drink out of his hand and place it on the bar-top, relief washing over him when he realises that it’s y/n and not some stranger looking to start a pointless fight.

She grabs his hand and leads him behind the bar into a the storage room, locking the door behind her before she crosses her arms over her chest and turns her body to face him. His cheeks are flushed when he thinks about the position he’s in; locked in a storage closet with the girl that drives him wild. He felt like he was at a trashy college frat party again.

Silence fills the room for a few seconds, the tension in the room almost too much to be able to breathe. Shawn opens his mouth to say something but she cuts him off before a sound can push its way out of his lungs.

“Just so you know, theres a massive difference between a prostitute and a burlesque performer. My body isn’t for sale,” her voice stern as her eyes hold a sense of dominance.

“Wait… what?” Confusion evident as his body language and tone of voice shift.

“You said I didn’t have to dance for money and you gave me your number. I got your note. I got the message loud and clear, Shawn.”

“You think I thought you were a prostitute? No, I wanted you to call me so that I could ask you out on a date, y/n,” he laughs out, a little bit shocked by her assumptions. Of course this would happen to him, he’d find a girl who intrigues him and she thinks he wants to hire her for the night.

“Oh… Well- well what about saying I don’t have to dance for money?” She stumbles over her words, the embarrassment of misunderstanding the simple gesture making itself known in the form of a warm, pink stain across her cheeks.

“That’s something I’ll explain to you if you let me take you to dinner?”

“Alright then, Wednesday night. I finish up here around 8, we can go for a late dinner?”

“Sounds perfect, I’ll pick you up!”

“Oh no, it’s okay I can-“

“Let me? Or is turning down my offers kind of your thing?” He questions playfully, tilting his head to the side and narrowing his eyes at her, as if he’s trying to figure her out.

She laughs in front of him for the first time tonight, and it’s almost as intoxicating as the rum and coke he didn’t have the chance to finish earlier in the night.

“Oh my god, I wish we could start over! You probably think I’m so rude,” she giggles out, her fingers pushing her stray hairs out of her face.

He offers her his hand as if he’s introducing himself for the first time. Her eyes trailing up to look into his eyes questioningly.

“Hi, I’m Shawn. I don’t think you’re a prostitute, but I would really like to get to know you if you’ll let me.”

She bites her lip and looks down at his extended hand as she smiles, fighting back a squeal of excitement. Placing her small hand in his as she locks eyes with his. The lighting in the storage room allowing her to take a proper look at his features. She takes note of his eye colour, a deep hazel; easily mistaken for brown, but she sees the green and yellow flecks in his sparkling orbs.

“They call me Babydoll around here, but you can call me y/n if you want,” she says, amused by how ridiculous they must look.

He leans down slightly, bringing her delicate hand towards his face and looks into her eyes with a smirk as he presses a slight kiss to her knuckles, causing her blush to darken and his heart to skip a beat.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes x y/n #shawn mendes x reader #Babydoll Dancer #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes series #shawn mendes fanfic #please like and reblog if you enjoyed #cotton candy writing #shawn mendes blog #sm #shawn peter raul mendes #fan blog

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widowtracer-week · 6 years

Text

Gift for Overlookingtheworld

secret santa for @overlookingtheworld (hey ! i really really hope you’ll like it, i tried to follow your wishlist the best i could, so i hope it didnt get too explicit. anyway, i hope that you enjoy it and that you’ll spend a beautiful christmas eve/day, also i’m sorry if there are any mistakes english isnt my first language. merry christmas !)

Her feet were barely touching the ground as she zipped through the night, panting, leaving nothing but a blue trail behind her. Blood was dripping down her chin, she brushed the back of her hand against her cheek as she turned around, making sure he wasn’t following her. “Fuck”, she tripped, landing on the thick layer of snow covering the streets in this cold December night.

She knew she should’ve stayed home, she knew it, and still. Somehow she’d thought it was a good idea. After all, it was Christmas Eve, they wouldn’t expect her there. She’d planned everything : all she had to do is to find a way into Talon’s lair, sneak into Sombra’s quarters and look for any kind of information she could gather without alerting the hacker. Well, the last part was probably the trickiest one but she figured since they wouldn’t be here anyway, it would give her some time to find a way to get at least something. And maybe she could even take a look at their quarters, that’d be enough information already. All she had to do was to be careful, and avoid their cameras and sensors, but she already had an idea of their whereabouts, so she wasn’t that worried about getting caught. Plus, it’s not like she had better stuff to do tonight.

She loved everything about Christmas : the pine tree filling the living room with its very distinct smell, the lights and baubles hanging down its branches, the whole town being slowly covered in snow, the music, the food, everything. But mostly, she loved how it could bring so many people together. As if life had been paused. And god knew she needed it, more than anyone else - breakdown after breakdown, she felt like nothing could prevent her from falling apart once again, if it wasn’t for Christmas. They had everything planned out, they’d spend the evening together at their quarters, Angela and Fareeha would cook for them, and she’d decorate the tree with Hana and Lucio. Then they’d sit in the living room and open their presents, celebrate together, enjoy this one night where they could simply rest, without having to worry about tomorrow.

And maybe she could even sneak out for a moment, just to meet with her. Nobody would notice. They’d have just this moment together.

She didnt ask for much, and still, even this one night she couldnt have.

Talon attacked their headquarters a few days ago, and they werent ready to withstand another push. They didnt last long, and although Talon didnt manage to pass through their forces, they managed to damage them deeply enough for them to draw back. Many had been injured and, obviously, Christmas Eve had been cancelled, most of them needing more than a few days of rest to get back on feet.

Yet, Lena hadn’t been touched a single time. How come ? Just to think about it made her hate herself even more, and that was probably the reason why she decided to invade Talon’s lair, all on her own, on December 24th. That day, something had kept her from fighting alongside her friends, and that something was the reason why they lost.

Her hands were buried in the snow, she was sitting there, on the ground, staring at the bloody stains she left after falling. All she could see was a pair of eyes, golden, piercing through the night, through her mind, she shook her head. She couldnt let her distract her again.

Sneaking into their headquarters wasnt easy, but it wasn’t something Lena “Tracer” Oxton couldn’t do. Once she had found her way into what seemed to be Sombra’s quarters, she’d started looking around for whatever she could find that’d help her and her friends put an end to Talon, once and for all. Obviously, she didnt find anything, which she should’ve expected, knowing the hacker. It was hard for her to admit that the sole reason of her presence here tonight was the fact that she felt guilty for what happened to her team, and she somehow thought that coming to this place and trying to take down the whole Talon organization on her own would be a good idea, and maybe it would work.

But god knows it was the stupidest idea she’d ever had.

She realized that the moment she heard his voice. “You’re gonna regret this.” She turned around, seeing nothing but a tall shadow standing in the doorway, and before the thought of running away hit her mind, he pulled his shotguns out and shot her in the shoulder.

And thats how she ended up here, lying on the cold ground, panting, tears slowly streaming down her face as she was trying to recollect herself. She never should’ve gone there on her own, she didnt even know what she was expecting from this. When her friends will learn what she tried to do tonight, they’ll most definitely be the ones to kill her, if Gabriel didn’t already finish the job until then. Thats why she stood up, stumbling around for a second before she started to run again, until she got a sight of the right building, which made her let out a relieved sigh. She slowed down, knowing he wouldn’t have followed her that far anyway, and she entered the building, climbing the stairs until she got to the 6th floor. Lena opened the door, a mixture of sweat, blood and melted snow dripping down her face as she entered her apartment. She took a second to close the door, locking it, before she let herself fall against the dark wood, slowly gliding to the ground, grunting from the pain.

“Qu’est ce que-…”

Lena jumped, flicking her head in the direction of the voice. She was there. Standing in front of the patio door, her long, dark hair framing the face she was so scared to see again. She was used to those golden eyes, piercing through her every single time she looked at her - this time, it was different. There was nothing piercing to her gaze, actually, it almost showed something like… concern.

“Chérie what happened to you ?” It looked like she didnt dare to move.

“Fuck off… I dont want you here.” she mumbled, lowering her glance, knowing that those golden eyes would make her change her mind if they just as much as stared at her the right way. Silence filled the room, heavy on her shoulders.

“Those are some very rude words coming out of such a sweet mouth.” She barely heard her approaching, Amélie was just like a cat ; she moved gracefully, her footsteps were light on the wooden ground, her tall silhouette was ripping through the banality of her corridor.

“Please, just- just get out, alright ? I’m not in the mood to play.” she sighed, grimacing as she tried to stand up. She could feel her heart race both in her chest and her open shoulder, it almost hurt, and she could feel how the world around her started to get dizzy.

“Je ne suis pas là pour jouer ce soir, chérie” she heard, before her vision started to become blurry, her eyes slowly shutting down, and her head hitting the door once again. The last thing she saw was the silhouette she loved so much growing closer to her, kneeling down next to her bruised self, and only her eyes were glowing that night.

////////

Amélie and her had this little… game, they loved to play. Nobody knew about it, and nobody would ever know about it, for it was their little secret. Something they shared for quite a while now, and although it was so wrong for them to do that, it was one of the very few moments were everything just… felt right. Talon’s elite sniper was also Talon’s eyes, going from town to town, watching them, following them, when they think nothing can get to them. She spent enough time watching every Overwatch agent, one after the other, through their every day life, and mostly, following them to their places, taking notes of everything that could be important and help them to bring this sickening organization down, once and for all. She did it with Angela, Lucio, Hana, 76, even Reinhardt (it was probably one of the most boring moments in her life, the old man just sat down on his couch and watched those stupid games only elderly people watched on their TV, and most of the time he’d just fall asleep during the first ad break). Then, she started watching Lena. Something about her pattern intrigued the french agent, every day was different, unlike everyone else, she couldnt put a finger on her habits, for she didnt have any. At least, that was what she thought. In reality, Lena had noticed from the very beginning that she was being watched, and used the Widow’s confidence to get around her and find her hiding spots. Until one day, where she confronted her. They fought, and fought, and fought, yet, bullets barely touched their moving bodies, as if they were dancing past each other. And then, it became an habit. Their meetings, their fights. Somehow, both of them needed that, as if they were enjoying every second of it, which they were. None of them knew exactly what brought them together, maybe they were just clinging onto old memories, maybe they were trying to forget them, but still, they met, every other night, on that same roof top, and fought. Some people get to know each other over some coffee, and them ? They fought, danced through the night, and left each other with the biggest smile spread onto their faces. One day, though, a too-well placed shot hit Lena right in the leg, leaving her vulnerable to the enemy sniper. She knew it was just a matter of time before she’d take advantage of the situation to get rid of one of Overwatch’s most efficient troublemaker. After all, the Amélie she once knew was no longer here, replaced by this emotionless silhouette she couldn’t help but admire. Her cold gaze was piercing right through her as she saw her raise the murderous weapon, scope in, Lena closed her eyes and thought to herself, maybe she’ll wake up, maybe none of this ever happened and she was still fighting the demons inside her head, pushing her to think that somewhere inside the Widow’s body, there was still a heart. She heard the shot, her ears were buzzing loudly and she collapsed, pain taking over her body, or at least that was what she thought. As she opened her eyes, she saw her come closer, holding out her hand.

To this day she still didnt know why Amélie didnt kill her, why she decided to save her instead, bringing her back to her place and taking care of the wound she had left on her leg. After that, she came by every other day, after midnight, to check on her ; changing her bandaid, bringing her some food, taking care of her, everything the old Amélie would do. Lena did all the talking, trying to find out what she was doing here, why she didnt shoot, what pushed her to do the right thing, but she never got any answer out of the woman, instead, she’d just nod, and say a few words in french Lena didnt manage to grasp. After her condition improved, Amélie’s visits slowly decreased in number, but she still passed by once in a while, just to listen to the girl while she talked about her day. Somehow, with everything that had happened between them, Lena felt like she could trust her. After all, she could’ve killed her that day, and still, she didnt. She wouldnt call it a bond, or maybe she did - there was definitely something odd about them but she figured, as long as it went like this, she‘d enjoy every single moment.

On the battlefield, she usually heard a distinct shot, which wouldn’t touch anybody - instead, it was like a signal, and she took advantage of the mess created by the fight to sneak around the enemy frontlines, to find her way to the snipers spot. Nobody knew about the little game both of them liked to play, they teased each other without giving too much of themselves away, and it was fine like that. It lasted a while, until a few days ago ; they were on their rooftop, again, Lena was sitting on the very edge of the building, staring at the orange sky, and the sun disappearing behind the stone jungle in front of her. Amélie was resting against the wall, behind her. They did this a lot, they didnt talk, they just stared at the sky, and it was already enough. “I’ll never get tired of this, y’know” she whispered. At this exact moment, Overwatch’s headquarters were being attacked by Talon’s members, and Lena wasn’t there to defend it.

It was the last time they saw each other ever since.

////////

“Chérie, tu devrais faire plus attention à toi” was the first thing she heard when she woke up. She felt the soft mattress of her bed under her body, and even softer fingers brushing against her forehead, making her shiver. Her skull still hurt, and so did her shoulder, but she noticed how she couldnt move that well, and felt the bandages on her skin. Frowning, she opened her eyes, meeting with this golden gaze she feared so much. If she didnt know any better, she’d probably think it was concern that shined in her eyes.

“What are you still doing here ? I told you to leave.” she mumbled, trying to sit up but her entire body started to scream at her in pain, and Amélie softly pushed her back into the many pillows displayed on her bed.

“What were you thinking ?” there wasn’t a hint of anger in her voice, instead, it felt like she was genuinely concerned.

“I dont know. I had to do something.” Lena sighed, closing her eyes again, not wanting to get another glance of the Widow’s face.

“No you didn’t. You were just being stupid.” She had always loved the accent she had when she was speaking, it made every word sound much softer, which made her even more dangerous than she already was. But this time, it was different.

“I know what you’re thinking, Lena. You wouldn’t have made a difference, believe me.”

She opened her eyes again, shaken by the sudden anger that filled her mind after those words hit her ears.

“Are you fucking kidding me ?! What is wrong with you ? Of course i would’ve made a difference, we lost because of me !”

Amélie shook her head, leaning back, her hands resting on her lap.

“You are being stupid, ma chérie. Don’t underestimate Talon, they would’ve hurt you if you’d been there. You should thank me.”

Suddenly, silence filled the room. It felt like it lasted an eternity, before she finally gathered the strength to sit up, grimacing from the pain, before she looked her straight in the eyes.

“You knew. You knew, didn’t you ?”

Again, silence. They stared at each other, both of them were waiting for the other to break the silence.

She finally nodded.

“You… Why did you do that ? I… I could’ve been there, i could’ve helped them..!” Slowly the realization hit her, she didnt know if it was the pain, or the fact that she had been tricked by the one person she really trusted, but tears started to stream down her face, dripping down her chin, wetting her sheets.

“It is not what it looks like. You don’t understand.”

Lena shook her head, brushing her hands against her cheeks.

“Then what is it ?! What is it, tell me !”

Another silence.

“TELL ME!”

Amélie stood up, without a word, and left the room, closing the bedroom door behind her.

She couldnt believe it.

“I trusted you !” she tried to shout, but her voice barely filled the room, and she was left there, wondering. How stupid could she be ? Seconds passed, it felt like hours, she stayed there, sitting on her bed, her mind suddenly as empty as her bedroom, she barely reacted when the door opened again. Amélie walked in, holding the door open.

“Please. Just come.”

She knew she shouldn’t follow her, she knew she shouldn’t trust her, but her bruised body still managed to get out of bed, slowly walking forward, using the wall as a support. The tall woman reached out and grabbed her hand, helping her as much as she could, gently holding her so she wouldn’t lose her balance. As she walked into the living room, Lena’s eyes started watering. She didnt recognize her apartment anymore ; next to the tv was a small pine tree, bloody red baubles hanging down its branches, decorated with tinsels and little light bubbles. She could barely hear the soft music in the background, there was a box sitting on the small table in front of the couch, wrapped in a beautiful red paper, snowflakes shining on it. She just stood there, in awe, unable to say anything.

“Come.” she heard, and Amélie pulled on her hand, bringing her to the couch, making her sit down before taking a place next to her. Her cold hands were still wrapped around hers, and she was glancing at her someway she never did before.

“Yes, i knew. I didn’t want you to get hurt so i kept you with me.“

Before she managed to say something, Amélie continued.

“I know this… Christmas party was important to you. I’m sorry.” She knew she wasn’t really sorry about what happened to her friends, after all, they had always been enemies, she probably celebrated their victory later on that day. But still, something about her was so different tonight, she couldn’t help but think that all of this was sincere.

“You have every right to be mad at me. I understand. But keep in mind that i did it to protect you.”

She finally gathered the courage to answer.

“Why would you even do that ?”

Amélie stared at her for what felt like an eternity, before she grew closer to the girl, her grip slightly tightening on her hands as their lips met in what seemed to be the most cruel, and beautiful kiss she could ever dream of. She hated how much she enjoyed it, how every inch of anger had immediately been replaced by nothing but this soothing feeling tightening her chest. Her cheeks were burning as their lips finally parted, she tried to remain calm but her heavy breath betrayed her.

“You can’t do that…” she whispered, but Amélie’s fingers met with her cheeks, brushing softly against her skin before she slowly pulled her back into another kiss, much softer this time. As they parted again, Lena tried to say something but she cut her off.

“S’il te plait. Fais moi confiance.”

She didn’t know what she just said, but she suddenly stopped caring, and as leaned forward to kiss her again, it was almost as if she couldn’t feel the pain in her shoulder anymore, as if she finally found the bandaid she needed.

“Let me make it up to you.” she felt her cold breath against her lips as she spoke, hypnotized, she tried to be mad but she wasn’t, she couldn’t. Instead, she felt how her heart was racing inside her chest, almost as if it was trying to free itself from its ribcage, trying to meet with hers. She nodded, leaning into another kiss, before Amélie pulled back, wearing a very subtle smile.

“Here.”

Lena frowned, reaching for the gift she was handing her, wondering.

“I… I dont know, wh-“

“Just open it.”

She waited a second, hesitating, before carefully ripping the paper off, revealing a simple white box. She opened it, and her eyes started watering again.

“You…”

////////

She remembered it. It was years ago, they were sitting there, at a table inside of Gérard’s little castle, Amélie was looking through some magazines while talking to Lena about french fashion. “We french ladies know how to dress. We have the best ‘couturiers’ in the world, believe me.” They used to hang out a lot, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. She loved spending time with Amélie, simply hearing her brag about french fashion was enough to make her happy. She leaned over to look at the magazine she was holding, suddenly shouting. “Oh my god !” She pointed at a jacket, aviator style, made of brown leather and wool, eyes shining in excitement. “That’s the jacket I’ve always wanted !” Amélie just laughed. “See ? French fashion is the best. Maybe you’ll get it for Christmas, who knows ?”

A few months later, Amélie shot her husband right in the head.

They never made it to Christmas.

////////

She took the jacket out of the box, her fingers gliding across the soft leather. She remembered.

“Joyeux Noël, chérie.”

“Je t’aime”

#secret santa 2017 #widowtracer secret santa 2017 #widowtracer #fanfic #overlookingtheworld #submission

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ellerevelle · 5 years

Text

polyamory

or is it just hookup culture

both exist. i dont think what im involved in is deep enough to be considered a polyamorous relationship, because i dont think this guy likes me enough to consider me a person he’s in a relationship with. I’m in that point where I’m afraid to ask him anything for fear of scaring him away. Which isn’t healthy at all, I realize.

We went to a BDSM dungeon party friday night. I admitted to him that thats extremely intimidating to me. New places in general, new bars, new friends houses, new places freak me out and make me feel anxiety. So this was definitely, obviously, in that vein as well. But we went in, and my confidence felt normal. I wasnt buzzing with comfort, I didnt feel myself glowing (I miss that feeling) but it wasnt scary. If anything it felt neutral. And I felt okay because he and I were together. Hooking up with him wasnt frightening or anything at all, I felt safe because I felt wanted by him. It was liberating. Then again, there wasnt a ton of competition, he even said the next day that he didnt really think anyone else there was attractive. So I wonder if things wouldve been different had there been sexier women there.

I have no idea how to feel right now.

He just messaged me via facebook and didnt ask, he simply said “i'm gonna spend the night with my new friend Ali tonight,”

and continued on, “ does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?”

And I hesitated in a major way. To be honest, my stomach dropped. Same way my stomach dropped when I was over there Friday night before we left for our event and found an open condom at the foot of his bed. I mean, I know we’re not exclusive, I’ve known that from the start. And have been down with it from the start. I had sex with someone else, too. And definitely dont hesitate flirting or carrying on with people when he’s not around. Which is why I’m not sure how I feel right now. Its a double standard, right? That I’m imposing? I want to be the apple of his eye, of everyone’s fucking eye... I want to be the only one, but yet I want to have the freedom to do what I want and not be judged or managed or shamed...

But I like legit hate this feeling now. I hate that he’s with somebody else, that he’s excited to spend time with some new other girl. I’m trying to be confident, to know that humans are humans and we all have different things to offer and she’s not me and I’m not her, and that there are things about me that are very special and that him sleeping with her doesnt negate anything about how rad I am.

But like, if he thinks I’m rad and likes me, why not just... ask me to hang out tonight? It makes my insecurities skyrocket. Like, am I not interesting enough? Not pretty enough, funny enough? Was I not as cool as I thought I was? Am I being TOO clingy now that he and I are getting more comfortable? Am I setting myself up as the hookup BDSM group party friend? Because although I am excited about exploring that without judgement or slut shaming, my HEART NEEEEDS so much more... I’m scared. Multi level scared, like... He asked “does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?”

I wanted to type YES YES IT DOES MAKE ME FEEL A PARTICULAR WAY AND I DONT LOVE IT. but like... fuck man, like... does that ruin everything? he wont reconsider hanging out with her if I dont like it. I feel like he’d just still hang with her and reconsider ME.

I want to be special enough for someone to prioritize. I guess maybe him deciding to ask me IS showing me he respects me? But it kinda feels like a trick question sortof? I mean... he wasnt asking me if it was okay for him to sleep with her. that part of the message was a statement of fact.

The question was, does it make me FEEL something. that feels like a trick question. Does he want me to feel jealous? I kindof wish he did... Like, if he felt jealous of some other guy I’m sleeping with, I’d feel flattered. And consider trying to be more monogomous to consider his feelings, tbh.

So what if I’d said, yes that makes me feel jealous?

And then like... what if thats bad and then my jealousy scares him off or bothers him or makes him worry that theres pressure on him now and all the other things women do to men and men do to women in relationships...!?! I know he’s afraid of expectations, he said so in a voicemail and has never brought it back up... which I find quite telling. Its clear he’s scared. Which is kindof what I considered, warp speed, before I typed my reply to him on facebook fucking messenger.

Because, you know, conversations of the heart deserve a rich and immersive platform, LIKE FACEBOOK FUCKING MESSENGER -___-

I replied to him with two gifs.

One was a “eehhhhh I dont knoooooowww about this....” squidgy eyed shrug sortof face.

Then the next one was a “go for it girl” wink from The New Girl.

Then I wrote

“ i think polyamory is great, the experience with you has been my first foray into it and so while i have pangs of hesitation, all in all im confident in myself and fucking love our chemistry and feel a smoothness to it all“

I dont totally feel a smoothness to it all. What I really wanted to say was, “just help me feel special. as long as I feel special to you, like, you show me that I matter to you, I’m down with other women in your life. Just dont make me feel like I’m just a consolation prize or a second thought or like, a back burner sort of person. Make me feel special, that you know I’m awesome, and I’m okay”

But I dont know if that would have read well.

With my ex, that didnt go well. I didnt articulate it in a manner he understood and I guess I came off sounding like a controlling diva princess. Which I still dont totally understand but, hey, we’re all biased to whats in our own heads. Our own words and opinions always make sense to US because theyre OURS, right? So yea. I didnt type all that.

I tried to come off as cool. Hesitant, but confident. So I hope that he like... sees that and like, sees me being cool and KNOWS that I’m special. Because I imagine not everyone would reply like that? Fuck me man. FUUUCKK, see!? all this big long post... I’m not cool about this.

Who is she? Is she hotter, funnier, cooler? better in bed? is it a psychology thing, like shes a NEW person so thats intriguing? Younger? Harder to get? I’ll never know unless we talk about it but I’m concerned talking about it I’ll slip up and say the wrong thing and lose this whole situation, then he’ll DEFINITELY sleep with other people and DEFINITELY put me on the back burner and OMG insecurities suck.

I just want somebody to see me as awesome as I feel, and say nice things and want to be around me the way I want to be around them. I want to share and make music and food with someone I love and tell them theyre great and make out and make love and be proud to hold hands at a party and have no one else because we’ve got all we need and aint nobody gon’ step to our awesomeness because we’re royalty. Like having a best friend. Like a beeeeeest friend.

I asked him if shes coming to his New Years Day party. I’ve been looking forward to going for a few days now, but now I’m realizing I wont necessarily be the apple of his eye. I’m horrible at competing for attention, especially in a blatant way. Plus I think it puffs up men’s egos too much to like, fawn for attention. I know I just have to be myself and if he sees me and notices and comes over to give ME attention then thats great, and if not I’m still just present and being myself and thats as pure as it has to be...

But I have a knot in my stomach now. Im trying really hard to be cool while still dropping hints of like, Hey I want you to treat me like a lady and maybe kiss my cheek and tell me its all gonna be okay, so to speak.

I dont want to need to be coddled. But I’m not that indifferent of a person. I want to KNOW how people feel about me.

I guess it could be cool tho, to like... be sexy and sexual and know he’s into me but okay with me expressing myself with other people. That is actually pretty cool, if thats whats happening.

But then why am I having such a hard time turning it around and being happy for him and confident for him and psyched for him to be with other people?

I feel like, ideally, I want to be with someone super hot and sexy and JUST into me, but to have the same intentions of like... kicking ass and taking names TOGETHER. Like, having threesomes or group sex and dominating the room, having everyone love us and fawn over us, but KNOW that we’re a TEAM and that without a single down we kick ass TOGETHER and are only in love with each other. That we can be physical and enjoy other people but at the end of the day we’re the ones in charge, our love is untouchable and although other people are fun and part of the mix, that nothing can reach the pinnacle of awesome that is us.

THAT would be tight. But I dont think he’s in that frame of mind. Nor am I sure that I’d even want that with someone I’m not in love with. And I’m not in love with him. Not yet any way. There’s so much more to learn first. SOOOOOOO much more to learn first.

Our “relationship”? does feel more mature though. At least for me. I am (contrary to this journal entry) much more brave about saying things out loud to him. I feel like I can confess and be more truthful about my opinions and what I need. Not entirely, but definitely more than with my ex.

uuuugh I feel sad and weird. Probably gonna clean my room and pirate some version of Spirited Away offline.

He just sent me a last little thing, because I said “have a good time tonight, be safe plz (implying please use a condom) and I’ll see ya next year.”

To which he replied “I absolutely will. Sending love hunnybunch.”

So he’s sending love...

Thats at least a smidge of ease off the knot in my stomach. I just wanna feel special :/ I hope she knows about ME. I want some manner of authority here. Although I dont tell other people I flirt or hook up with that I’m sleeping with him... But should I? Are we stepping into actual relationship territory?

I feel like if I knew where he placed me in this then I’d have more solid footing. But how the fuck do I ask that without sounding like a total dweeb/ or Nazi / or chaperone / or old lady?

FUUUCK I feel so dumb!

How can I feel less dumb?

No one is gonna read this far.

Goodnight.

#polyamory #Help #journal #rant

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