#don't even get me started on how devastated I am that he died off-screen

[rusty-k]

A Theory About the Saint of Duty

[HTN/TLT SPOILERS]

Hey TLT people--

There was a reddit thread about the Saint of Duty the other day (link), and I commented some G1deon thoughts of mine that’ve been brewing in my head for a while. I figured I’d bring them to the tumblr tag to open up some discussion and see if anyone else buys this theory, or honestly just to spread some G1deon love. (I imprint on minor characters; it’s a curse.)

This is more or less copied from my reddit comment word-for-word, but here’s some general thought on Gideon the First’s personality, and why I have a theory that he might’ve lobotomized himself like Harrow:

G1deon character thoughts

G1deon as we know him in HtN is likely very different from the man he must've been 10,000 years ago. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he changed significantly between the start of the Wake affair and the events of book 2.

More so than any of the other Lyctors, Gideon and Pyrrha seemed to have had this strong synergy going on. Unlike most necros, Gideon is a buff beef jerky man, and we see two rapiers in G&P's room. The winnowing/construct trial is also referred to as "Pyrrha's trial," which has always struck me as a curious detail and suggests to me that Pyrrha knew more about necromancy than cavs generally do. We know that the saintly epithets refer to the cavs, in general, but I don't think that was exactly the case for G&P; based on the previously stated, I believe they were both equally dutiful people, willing to throw themselves into each other's studies and share each other's skills.

Aug and Mercy were forced to rush their Lyctorization process because of their reckless cavs, and G1deon was next, but the fact that Pyrrha compartmentalized suggests they were closer to figuring it out than Aug and Mercy were--which I think is greatly due to the harmony of their relationship.

We know from what the other Lyctors & John have said that Gid loved and respected Pyrrha deeply. I wouldn't be surprised if the ferocity with which he threw himself into his saintly work over the 10,000 years emerged--at least partially, if not primarily--from his devotion to her. There's Pyrrha, the most spectacular cav and an all-around badass, and Gideon--having taken her to fuel his ascension--acting as John's attack dog with an intensity that would make her sacrifice worthwhile.

It's difficult to gauge how much Gideon actually enjoyed any of this; John seems to think he did, but I wouldn’t trust John for shit, and I'm sure John's understanding of G1d is heavily skewed in his own favor.

I think it's also important to consider Pyrrha's side of this story as it relates to G1deon’s current state, as well as the Wake affair. Her actions raise several questions. First of all, how long did it take for her to realize that she could take control of his body? How exactly did it happen, the first time? And how aware is Gideon? Does he have any inkling at all? Is there something more to his forgetfulness, something purposeful?

I have to imagine that in any case, Pyrrha must have gone through a lot over those 10,000 years. 10,000 years of odd sensory deprivation, which was probably hell for a fiery badass like P. 10,000 years of watching Gideon put up with John's bullshit, of watching the other Lyctors die off one-by-one and accumulate a host of mental, physical, and emotional scars. I'm convinced that Pyrrha's relationship with "duty" changed over the course of the years as she watched from this disembodied perspective, and that her "treachery" against John (her affair with Wake & possibly feeding intel to the BoE) was just a natural progression of that change.

When Wake factors in, I'd bet good money that the driving factor in both Pyrrha and Gideon's attraction to her is that she reminds them both of Pyrrha. Hell, Pyrrha even says this outright: "She was the most dangerous woman I'd ever met who wasn't me." I imagine that P's attraction to Wake, beyond this cool display of cockiness, also emerged from a sort of nostalgia--maybe Wake reminds her of what life used to be when she had a body, when she could fight and command, when she had a cause to occupy her energy. On G1d's side, he sees a woman who's dedicated and dutiful, even if it's for an enemy faction, and a woman who would undeniably make one hell of a cavalier (I think someone says this in HtN, although I'm forgetting who, so correct me if I’m wrong). I'm sure there's nostalgia in it for him, too.

Then, there's elephant in the room: Wake's fiery red hair and Pyrrha's name, meaning "flame-colored." I'm convinced that at least some of the similarities were physical. And at the bottom of it all is the inherent sexiness of finding a worthy opponent who's also hot. Lol.

Gideon Prime Lobotomy Time(?)

Here's where things get squirrelly for me, and the main reason why I have a theory that G1d's current state might be partially self-inflicted.

G&P were having discrete affairs with Wake, which inherently brings up logistical questions. First of all, how? And how exactly did Wake come to "kiss" Gideon "before she realized what they were?" How long were the durations of time in which Pyrrha kept his body under her control? In any case, after Wake & Gideon initiated their leg of the affair, it continued throughout the two years up until Gideon Jr.'s birth, which implies that Gideon Prime had some agency and willfulness in all of it. It's difficult to imagine the permanently-spaced-out-thousand-yard-stare man we know in HtN actively participating in such an entanglement.

Of course, I’ll acknowledge that it's entirely possible that I'm wrong, and that Wake just jumps his bones when she feels like it, and he's like "ok I guess," so take this as you will; but I'd like to put forth the suggestion that G1d's memory loss and overall lack of lucidity might be self-inflicted, to the tune of Harrow's lobotomy. We don't know how aware Gideon is of Pyrrha's presence, but it does seem to be the case that Lyctors having an awareness of the cav is dangerous for the cav. Being an accomplished necromancer, I'm sure Gideon was/is a smart man. Pyrrha mentions that she was "able to go underground" from him, but what if Gideon started to catch on to Pyrrha's presence through the double-affair? What if Wake let something slip? What if the thing that Wake didn't realize about them was the fact that Pyrrha's survival depends on Gideon's lack of awareness?

What if he lobotomized himself at some point, after catching onto Pyrrha's presence, at the expense of his sanity?

What really strikes me is the post-incinerator scene (HtN ch.31, pg. 292 in the hardcover):

The Saint of Duty turned his body toward you. He was clutching his rapier; but it was idle ... His eyebrows were very slightly drawn together, a sort of exhausted crinkle. He looked at you, and he said in a voice you had known since you were eight years old: "I sometimes--forget."

It was the tone--clinical, enamelled, half-defensive, half-endangered--the tone of someone admitting a final fraily. It was familiar because you had used it yourself. Understand I am insane.

It's his quiet resolution that does it for me; he knows something's missing, and he's accepted it. He's being set up as a parallel to Harrow in this particular moment, and it just makes me wonder if the parallel goes beyond his understanding of his own “insanity” and extends to the means by which he has become "insane." 

Pyrrha's already being set up as a parallel to Gideon Jr., both in terms of her formerly-skewed sense of duty and her compartmentalization, so I think this sort of dual-parallel between G1d and Harrow would work nicely, if only from a meta perspective.

In short, I think Gideon the First's feelings on everything that happened are complex, fraught. I think "duty" is what defined much of his personality, and I think what we see of him now is the result of split senses of duty having torn him apart:

he's torn between his devotion to Pyrrha (and by extension, ironically, his devotion to John) and his interest in (and perhaps love for) Wake;

torn between John's command to kill Harrow and whatever it is that caused him to pull punches (I'm guessing a combination of basic decency and solidarity); and

at the end of it all, he's quietly accepting of his own "frailty," understanding that the current situation is the shitty result of everything that's happened over the past myriad, and that there's likely no way to set himself straight, even though his shortcomings put him in direct conflict with the man he's "supposed to be," according to this awful religion, and according to what others think of him.

Anyway, for those who’ve stuck around, that’s all I have to say for now! I’m just so fascinated by the Saint of Duty/the Pyrwakeon story that’s going on behind the scenes; there’s such an understated intensity to it, and honestly, it didn’t even hit me until months after my first read-through. 

I’m curious to hear what other people are thinking, too!

#the locked tomb spoilers #harrow the ninth #htn spoilers #harrow the ninth spoilers #I have Feelings about G1d #and I want to spread them #and it makes me Sad when people dunk on that beef jerky shrinkwrap man #lol #don't even get me started on how devastated I am that he died off-screen

[sweetesthaaze]

24 Days of TVWLM // Day 1

March 1st: The Prologue

Note: I can't believe it's finally March 1st! The month that Bridgerton season 2 finally comes out!! Even though there's been a lot going on (what with still not having a trailer, barely getting any content of Simone and Jonathan, and the India storyline) I am so excited and happy to be finally getting Kate and Anthony on our screens! It's going to be so good. Okay let's get on with the book! It's all under the cut because it's long (I may have gone a little overboard, just imagine how long the other chapter posts are going to be).

Thoughts:

This is a short part, but no less devastating. There's just so much to unpack. I love hearing about Edmund and Violet and I remember that they were young, but 20 and 18!! They were REALLY young.

This prologue really sets up Anthony's story so well. Explaining what a good father Edmund was to all his children, how everything Anthony did was for his father, and just setting up for tragedy. For some reason, this read through it hit me a lot harder. It was always sad, but knowing that we're actually going to see it play out? It seriously made me tear up. And the fact that we're probably going to get Anthony witnessing Edmund dying?? My heart is already breaking.

Show scenes:

I wonder how many flashbacks we're going to get with Edmund. I'm hoping we get a few, not just the death scene. I want flashbacks of Edmund taking Anthony on hikes, carrying him on his back and Benedict in his arms in that leather carrier he made for them. I want all the feels!!

Favorite parts/scenes:

Honestly I just loved seeing what a loving father Edmund was. If I remember correctly, we don't get a lot of scenes really detailing Edmund as a father in the other books. Oh sure, the characters talk about him, but even then, the younger children don't have a lot memories with their father unfortunately. It was great that we got a glimpse, even a small one, into what exactly made Edmund a great dad.

Favorite quotes:

"Lord and Lady Bridgerton were very much in love, and they saw their son's birth, not as the arrival of an heir, but rather that of a child." It's such a simple line, but after Simon's story, it really does hit different.

"No, Anthony liked to think that his relationship with his father was special simply because he'd known him the longest." This is just so sweet and I love the implication that Edmund spent time with each of his kids and loved them equally, that the children knew he didn't have a favorite.

"Edmund Bridgerton was, quite simply, the very center of Anthony's world." Okay just rip my heart out why don't you, it would hurt less.

"Anthony loved his mother. Hell, he'd probably bite off his own arm if it meant keeping her safe and well. But growing up, everything he did, every accomplishment, every goal, every single hope and dream - it was all for his father." Seriously how much pain am I meant to be able to handle?!

"'Mama?' he choked out. He hadn't called her that for years; she'd been 'Mother' since he'd left for Eton." This is especially sad because it really is the last time Anthony is able feel like a child. After this, he has to be "the man of the house". Literally in the next few paragraphs he already starts taking care of his family like his father would.

"'It's all right, Mama,' he said. But he knew it wasn't." He knew everything would be alright before because his father told him that and Edmund never lied. But Edmund's dead now. Nothing would ever be alright again. IM CRYING!

"Edmund Bridgerton had died at the age of thirty-eight. And Anthony simply couldn't imagine ever surpassing his father in any way, even in years." I just- this is going to hurt so much. My poor baby Anthony.

I truly cannot wait to see Anthony work through his trauma, with Kate helping him and also vice versa. I've said this before, but the reason why I love Kate and Anthony so much is how vulnerable they can get with each other. Yes they fight and argue and banter and that is so great, but I love when they get soft with each other. With Simone and Jonathan as Kate and Anthony, this really is going to be an amazing season!

What were y'alls thoughts for the prologue? Don't forget to use the tag and tag me if/when you make your posts! You can also reblog this with your thoughts or go to my inbox.

Also, let me know how you like the structure of the post or any suggestions y'all have to make communicating together easier!

T-minus 24 more days until season 2!!

#24 days of TVWLM #bridgerton #kate sharma #anthony bridgerton #the viscount who loved me #kanthony #bridgerton season 2 #sweetestviscount

[mimisempai]

I can read you like an open book

Summary:

5 times where Loki refuses to see that he has been found out by Mobius and once where he accepts it

Lokius has so much potential. How not to be tempted?

🌈 Happy Pride month ! 🌈

To celebrate, 1 day, 1 story.

Be ready for smiles, laugh, fluff, tooth rotthing fluff, positive vibes and a lot of love!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32034121

1798 words - Rating G

1.

"I'm Agent Mobius, by the way."

I don't care about your name. I'm Loki, God of Mischief, you moron!

The man with the ridiculous mustache looked suspiciously innocent.

Loki asked him in his most indifferent tone, "Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?"

The man, Mobius, answered in the quietest way possible, "No. That's where you just were. I'm taking you some place to talk."

Loki harrumphed and retorted, "I don't like to talk.

Without losing his smile, Mobius replied, "But you do like to lie, which you just did."

Seeing that Loki didn't bother to answer, he continued, a cheeky sparkle in his eye, "Because we both know you love to talk."

He had the audacity to add, emphasizing his words with his hands, "Talkie-talkie."

Loki was boiling inside, but he wouldn't allow this jerk to see his anger.

How could this fool have seen through to him? No way!

Yes he liked to talk! So what? He had a voice so he might as well use it. At least he never said stupid things.

Sure, he liked to twist the truth, but when you're the god of mischief, was that so surprising?

Anyway, nobody had discovered his biggest secret, his biggest lie, that was the most important.

He discreetly scanned the man in front of him who now seemed a little less inoffensive.

2.

They were in a room devoid of any decor, sitting face to face, separated by a table.

Loki decided to attack. He could be accused of lying, but not of not facing the truth.

He asked Mobius with a defiant look, "What do you want from me?"

Mobius inhaled, as if to give himself courage, "Well, let's start with a little cooperation."

No, that's not going to happen, buddy.

Loki was a god and a god doesn't cooperate.

He replied with a smirk, "Not my forte.

There he was again, that piercing blue-gray gaze that seemed to see much more than Loki believed. Accompanied by that smile that gauged him.

"Really?"

Mobius paused and for a moment Loki thought he knew how to stage himself as well as Loki.

The rascal continued, "Even when you're wooing someone powerful you intend to betray?"

How could he know that? Nobody knew about Thanos! Even Thor didn't know about it!

Don't show anything Loki! Don't show him he's right.

The bastard insisted, as if it were insignificant. "Come on."

Loki, took his most superior and closed look before answering.

"You don't know anything about me."

That's it, move on you moron!

"Maybe I'd like to learn."

What?

What does he mean, he'd like to learn?

No way, Loki wouldn't be fooled.

No one really wanted to know who Loki was.

Those who wanted to know him only wanted it to get something out of him.

He wouldn't be fooled by that smile and that look. Even though...

He shook his head not to let such thoughts linger

3.

Since Mobius seemed to want to know his theory so badly, Loki was more than happy to explain it to him, it was time to show off as much as he could with his jumpsuit.

He straightened his head and said in an emphatic tone, "For nearly every living thing, choice breeds shame and uncertainty and regret. There's a fork in every road, yet the wrong path is always taken."

He looked at Mobius defiantly.

So you're not such a smartass now, huh?

"Good. Yeah."

He had the nerve!

Loki was right not to believe that this man really wanted to know him, it was just to taunt him and put him in his place.

Mobius continued, "You said nearly every living thing ," he paused, and once again his eyes seemed to see further than Loki wanted to show.

He added, cheekily, "so I'm guessing you don't fall into that category?

Show nothing. Show nothing.

You didn't expect anything, Loki, so you're not disappointed.

Loki began to snicker. Sarcasm, one of his favorite weapons.

"The Time-Keepers have built quite the circus, and I see the clowns are playing their parts to perfection."

In case you didn't understand, I'm talking about you, the clown, that's you, buffoon!

Mobius started to laugh. A totally genuine laugh.

"Big metaphor guy. I love it."

Genuine but derisive of course.

The rascal continued, "Makes you sound super smart."

Loki couldn't let it go and retorted, "I am smart."

"I know."

Two words, and the tone was no longer taunting.

I know.

Two words said in a firm voice, without a smile, with an intense look in his eyes.

I know.

For once Loki didn't bother to wrap his words in circumlocutions, too disturbed by the implication of those two words. He simply replied, "Okay."

4.

Loki didn't know what Mobius' goal was in showing him his failures, but if it was to piss him off, he had achieved it, yet Loki was not going to show him.

Just as he was not going to show him how his questions affected him.

"Do you enjoy hurting people?"

No.

"Making them feel small?

No .

"Making them feel afraid?"

No. Stop. Answer him Loki.

"Your games don't frighten me."

But Mobius didn't seem to want to stop.

"Making them feel little?"

Loki couldn't help but retort with more vehemence, "I know what I am."

Mobius raised an eyebrow and asked defiantly, "A murderer?"

Knowing that if he let go, he would show Mobius how much he was affected by what he said, Loki shot back, "A liberator."

And the man had the audacity to reply, "Of eyeballs, maybe."

His words were accompanied on the screen by a video that showed Loki cutting out a man's eye.

Mobius continued, "Look at that smile. You are enjoying that. Did you enjoy hurting them?"

No. No. No. It was the mind stone. It wasn't me.

No! Shut up Loki! No one can know, not even him, get a grip!

Chin up, straight face, sardonic smile.

"I don't have to play this game. I'm a god."

Yes, that's what I am, a god. You won't take that away from me.

"Of what, again? Mischief, right?"

So what? I may not summon thunder, but I am powerful. In my own way.

The man then added, "Yeah. I don't see anything very mischievous about this."

Of course, since it wasn't him. But how could he tell anyone that he, the great Loki, had been under the influence of someone, that he had been manipulated by a stone.

He replied in a bitter voice, "No, I don't suppose you do."

Mobius sighed. He seemed almost disappointed.

Loki wondered why he felt a tightness in his chest. The same one he felt every time he knew he had disappointed his mother. The difference was that he had only known Mobius for a few hours.

5.

Loki was devastated.

His mother had died. She had died by his hand. At least because of him.

Mobius had continued to confront him with his failings.

Sitting on the floor, Loki no longer had the strength to stand up or fight back.

"You weren't born to be king, Loki."

Of course I was.

Even he was beginning not to believe it anymore.

"You were born to cause pain and suffering and death. That's how it is, that's how it was, that's how it will be. All so that others can achieve their best versions of themselves."

He looked up at the screen where the Avengers were displayed one by one. The instruments of his defeat. The defeat he felt burning right now.

He asked with a broken voice, "What is this place?"

Mobius didn't answer, just walked over and held out his hand and said, "Come on."

No more taunting in his voice, no more mockery, just compassion? Loki looked up to see if what he heard in the voice was showing on the other man's face.

He read the same compassion.

Weakened by what he had just discovered about his mother, Loki found himself wanting to grasp that hand, to believe what he read in those eyes.  For a moment, he listened to himself, grabbed the hand and stood up.

But he was Loki, God of Mischief, so he snatched the small device from Mobius' pocket

+1

"Loki?"

Mobius had just come back into the room, Loki was distraught.

Sitting on the floor with his hands in his head, he raised it at the sound of his tormentor's voice.

The man approached him gently and said, "Nowhere left to run."

I don't want to go. I don't want to go anymore. I don't want to be that Loki anymore. I don't want to go back.

"I can't go back, can I? Back to my timeline."

Can I be me here? Really me? What I want to be.

For the first time since he knew himself, Loki felt a compulsion to tell the truth.

Looking Mobius in the eye, he said softly, "I don't enjoy hurting people."

He paused, "I..." he exhaled sharply and repeated again, "I don't enjoy it."

For the first time, he really wanted to convince someone that he wasn't the monster everyone thought he was. Now that he had started talking, it was like he couldn't stop. He continued, "I do it because I have to, because I've had to."

Mobius looked at him with those caring eyes he had had earlier and another feeling he couldn't read.

He replied softly, "Okay, explain that to me."

Loki swallowed, this was the moment of truth.

"Because it's part of the illusion. It's the cruel, elaborate trick conjured by the weak to inspire fear."

Mobius simply nodded, before adding in a tone filled with understanding, "A desperate play for control. You do know yourself."

Loki bit his lip and added in a breath, "A villain."

He exhaled again.

"That's not how I see it.

Once again Mobius held out his hand to help him up, and this time Loki didn't hesitate to take it. Once on his feet, he didn't want to let go of that hand, the only non-violent human contact he'd had in years. He didn't even realize that he was tightening his fingers on Mobius'.

He asked the question that had been burning in his mind, "If I'm not the villain, then what am I?"

They still hadn't let go of each other's hands and now Mobius' thumb was gently stroking the back of Loki's hand.

Mobius tilted his head a little, seeking Loki's gaze even more.

He said with that smile that Loki was beginning to appreciate, "I don't know, but we could search together, if you want."

Loki nodded slowly and answered with a slight smile. The first sincere smile devoid of any trickery.

The real Loki smile. _________

Not beta'd I hope you enjoyed it 🥰

#lokius #loki #loki spoilers #mobius m mobius #loki x mobius #developing relationship #spoilers episode 01 #loki laufeyson #marvel mcu

[failedintsave]

I tried the MTL pairing generator for rarepair month...aaaand it told me to stay in my lane lol. And then it told me to write some Rachel/Roy Cornickleson which I just don't think I'm ready to take on 🙃 So here's some Skwistok set just before Doomstar that I've been fiddling with.

(gets just a little nsfw near the beginning)

Stages

Everyone handles grief differently.

Skwisgaar groaned as muscular arms pushed him against the wall, the reinforced metal door to his room on the submarine banging shut as they cleared the threshold. Hands tangled in his hair, holding him in place while lips and tongue and teeth worked over his neck. He clung desperately to the body pressed against him, fingers twisting in blue cotton material and yanking it upward. The mouth latched onto his throat pulled away as the t-shirt was hauled over his head and Toki's fevered eyes found his before rushing forward again, mashing their lips together with sloppy abandon. He gripped Skwisgaar by the belt, half dragging him as they stumbled their way to his bunk and collapsed. Breathing came in gasps and sighs as Toki's weight pinned him down into the mattress, the pressure both exhilarating and mollifying, an anchor to hold onto as the life he'd known for so many years turned upside down and twisted away in the wind.

He'd never given much energy to grief. Life was just a punctuated string of losses in the long run. Loss of innocence, loss of trust, loss of opportunities. It was all meaningless, really. In his experience, something new always came along to fill the space so why dwell on mourning what you couldn't have back?

Boots thumped to the floor, kicked off in haste. His shirt was peeled away before sturdy hands lifted his hips to free him of his jeans, calloused fingertips gliding back up his thighs and making him shiver. Toki climbed up to kiss him again, hungrily, as if trying to swallow him whole, their teeth knocking against each other. Skwisgaar ran his hands over every inch of skin he could reach, the hard lines of Toki's shoulders, the raised ridges of overlapping scars on his back, hip bones where they ground down against his own. Heat pooled low in his belly like magma aching to erupt. He wanted this, needed this right now, more than he'd ever needed anything in his life. How long had they danced around this, stealing moments and blaming it later on booze or post-show adrenaline, walking right up to the line and peeking over before backing away again? In the name of preserving band dynamics? A lot of good that had done, they'd still ended up where they are now, Dethklok tipping over the precipice into self-destruction.

Another loss to add to the list.

Toki pulled back, glacier blue eyes raking over Skwisgaar's features with manic light, chestnut locks of hair falling in disarray to frame his face. Skwisgaar reached up and tucked a strand behind his ear and Toki's expression shifted, the wild yearning softened into something gentler, less wolfish. He sat up to kneel between Skwisgaar's legs, hand skimming from his collar bone to his navel and leaving a trail of fire, over the inside of his thigh and dipping beneath, pausing until Skwisgaar breathed his assent, whispered his name.

Fingers tested gingerly, gradually increasing in depth and pressure before he gripped him by the waist and hauled him onto his lap. Skwisgaar canted his hips, lip catching between his teeth at the feel of Toki against him, his pulse hammering in his ears. His head angled back into the pillows and a wordless moan escaped his throat when Toki eased forward, back arching as lightning raced up his spine. Skwisgaar's fingers knotted in the bed sheets as Toki released a shuddering breath over him, rocking into him slowly, building rhythm into a steady push and pull.

Loss of professional boundaries. Definitely not something to be mourned.

The devastating sensation of fullness where they joined drove all coherent thought from Skwisgaar's mind and his eyes rolled back under closed lids, panting nonsense and expletives, begging for release. His toes curled as Toki matched stokes with his hand to the tempo of his thrusts, coaxing him through his climax until tipping over the edge after him with a whining sigh. Call and response, Skwisgaar thought dazedly as his superheated skeleton melted into jelly. When he could open his eyes again, his gaze landed on Toki's face above him, watching him with an openly heartsick expression.

"I… hads to do dat… at least once before dis ams all over." The broken whisper settled over him like a burial shroud.

Skwisgaar shook his head, holding out his arms. "Come heres."

Swallowing thickly, Toki obeyed, winding his arms under Skwisgaar's shoulders and burying his face in the crook of his neck. Skwisgaar shifted to find a comfortable position, their sweat-slick chests sliding against each other as he angled slightly onto one side, hand cradling Toki's skull to keep him near.

"Seem pretties stupids we aments been doing dat dis whole time, honestlies."

Loss of time.

Toki held him tightly and Skwisgaar felt the tremor in his grip. He rubbed his cheek against the crown of the other man's head, humming tunelessly as he waited for him to speak, knowing already the fears plaguing his mind. He'd faced them often enough in his younger days, even if the scenario now was more complicated. It was hard to compare wondering where your next gig, your next meal ticket, might come from to wondering where to go after you'd already stood at the top.

Sniffling preceded the feeling of wetness against his shoulder, Toki mumbling against his skin. "What happens now? Ams we all just gonna says 'fucks you, see ya laters' now dat de band ams done? Even now dat dey tells us we gots to plays music to saves de world?"

Skwisgaar fiddled with a strand of brown hair for a moment before answering. "Well, I don'ts know abouts all dis saves-de-woirld business. But whats I do know ams band break ups. And, euughh, ja dat ams a pretty standords opseratings procedures."

"But does it has to be likes dat? We coulds all stays pals, right?"

"Dat ams...compslickateds." He dropped the lock and let his hand fall to Toki's shoulders. "Somet'ing like dis...people tends to ezpecks yous to euughh, picks sides. It ams messy. And it never warks out, t'ings always comes apart in de end."

Loss of the longest working relationships he'd had in his life.

Toki said nothing, so Skwisgaar continued if only to fill the silence. "But it coulds be worse, you knows? We gots more moneys den god, what's so bad what cants be fixed wif dat?" The statement produced a cold feeling trickling down behind his ribs, like swallowing a heaping spoonful of snow. "Nones of it acktualies matters. Just goes on to da next t'ings."

"I just... don'ts know what to does if dere aments a Dethklok."

"Whatevors you wants! You coulds buy de whole stores of airplane models, or you coulds builds you own splasharoonies water parks. Hell you coulds probablies starts a new bands wif dose guys from dat T'underhorse group."

"No," Toki murmured, face still compressed against Skwisgaar's neck. "I don't wants a new band. Dis was da one."

The possessive satisfaction he felt at those words tied his stomach in guilty knots.

"Ja it ams was a pretty good gigs…"

Toki shifted, laying his head on the pillow next to Skwisgaar's, his forlorn gaze searching his face for answers. Skwisgaar rolled so they were laying face to face, legs still twisted under the sheets.

Not everything was tied up in the feud that caused the band to split. What if it didn't have to be a total loss? Surely there were parts here that could be salvaged.

"Okej...so who says we haves to do anyt'ings at all?"

Toki's brows cinched. "What you means?"

Maybe, just this one thing, he could keep.

Skwisgaar's lips curved with the ghost of a smile. "I's already mades it to de top, ams de fastest guitarist alives...coulds be I shoulds just quits while I gots de title, ja? Retires, takes my ball and goes home wif it."

Toki snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Builds mineself a giant house up in de mountains or somet'ing. Or travels and just fucks off on de resgiduals forever, not worries about a deadlines or demos ever again. Plays guitar just for funs."

He saw his grin mirrored on Toki's face as the other man nodded dreamily.

"Maybe you...comes wif me?" Fluttery nerves tickled behind his sternum. "If you wants to."

Toki's eyes widened. "Wait. Whats?"

Just this. He could be happy with this.

"Y-you means it? You aments just messings with Toki?"

He shook his head. "How long dids we waste before nows? For not'ing. I'm sick ofs waitings. Let's just goes."

A heartbeat passed, and then Toki's mouth was on his again. Less frantic this time, hopeful rather than desperate. He cradled Toki's jaw, taking his time as he returned his affections, deepening the kiss and tracing languid strokes over his neck, his shoulders, his chest. Their limbs wound together in a twisted bramble, bodies drawing tightly together, fitting like puzzle pieces.

A repetitive, discordant riff sounded from the pile of clothes abandoned on the floor and Toki's head jerked away. Flashing an apologetic grin, he rolled away to fish his phone from his pocket, sliding his pants up loosely around his hips.

"Sorries, be rights back!" He whispered, pressing the screen to answer. "Oh hei, Rockso!*

"Hows do you even has signals down here?" Skwisgaar called after him as he stepped into the hall, then flopped back onto the pillows to stare at the ceiling, counting the shiny rivets in the metal plating.

This was doable. Tomorrow they would bury more than just a mentor, they would lay to rest their careers as the biggest metal band in existence. The world at large would mourn their passing, but Skwisgaar wouldn't dwell on what's done and over. Not if he had new prospects to look forward to. Something always came along, and he never looked back.

"I tolds Magnus dat I woulds sit wif hims tomorrow." He heard Toki's muffled voice through the crack he'd left in the door.

A shadow passed over his thoughts at the name, like someone walking across his grave. It was uncomfortable to say the least, to have their former guitarist back in the fringes of their lives. Toki had a habit of finding friendship in questionable places, but where the clown was mostly an annoyance and sometimes a financial drain, his relationship with Magnus left Skwisgaar apprehensive. It didn't ease his mind when Toki insisted the older musician was different now. How could he know? He hadn't lived with the man, hadn't walked on eggshells during every rehearsal or songwriting session, hadn't watched as he plunged a knife into a bandmate.

But Magnus had also saved Toki with his insulin. He'd been there for Toki as a shoulder to lean on when the band had started to fall apart, too preoccupied with their own issues to spare a minute for their youngest member.

So maybe Toki was right. Things change; he'd never expected that a wedge could be driven between Nathan and Pickles far enough to end their friendship in such a catastrophic way, but here they were. And if Magnus still harbored any resentment for the band, their breakup was probably a balm to the old wound of rejection. What else could he wish on them? He was probably loving this.

The door scraped shut and Toki slipped back into the blankets gingerly, as if expecting Skwisgaar to be asleep. When he saw that he was still awake, Toki leaned in with a grin.

"Sorries...now, where was we…?" He murmured, capturing Skwisgaar's lips tenderly. "Oh ja, you was tellings me how we's gonna runs away togedders into de sunsets."

"Pfff. Dat am hardlies what I saids."

More kisses peppered his cheek and jaw. "Dats what I heards."

"Well I always knew yous was tone deafs, I didn'ts realize you ams just all de way hards of hearingks." His arm encircled Toki's back as the brunette nestled in again.

"Tells to me about wheres we gonna goes. Tells me about our house on tops of de mountains."

Skwisgaar snorted. Of the two of them, his was not the more vivid and fanciful imagination. But staring up at the blank canvas that the brushed metal panels of ceiling created, he envisioned a future for them to share. They squabbled playfully over locations and home design styles. They named off outlandish things they would fill their home with, like an even bigger ruby metronome or a trampoline room or an indoor pool shaped like a guitar and filled with champagne. They listed places they'd toured that they wanted to visit again, and locations they hadn't been yet but had always hoped to see.

"Can we gets a cat?" Toki asked suddenly, making Skwisgaar laugh airily.

"If we haves to?" He laughed again as Toki nodded against him. "But I'm not cleaningks up after it, dat ams all you, pal."

"Okei." Toki sighed deeply, settling in more comfortably. "Okei. I feels a lots less scareds now about all dis."

His hand glided up from where it had been resting at Skwisgaar's hip to lay warm over his heartbeat.

"I'll miss Dethklok. A whole lots. But now I t'inks I ams acktualies looking forwards to what comes next."

Still staring at the steel plates above, Skwisgaar grinned at the pictures they'd painted in his mind.

"Ja, me toos."

He covered Toki's hand with his own. However much they stood to lose after tomorrow, his heart felt lighter at what they were about to gain together. There was no reason to dwell on what was gone.

Everyone handles grief differently.

Laying on his bunk, Skwisgaar's eyes roamed the scuffed plate ceiling overhead, lingering on rusted rivets and water stains. The imperfections seemed to move and writhe like crawling insects under the influence of whatever handful of pills Pickles had given him. A half-drained bottle of vodka lay cradled against his chest, the mouth stoppered by his thumb. Fire burned in his belly from the alcohol, but cold fury pulsing through his veins tempered it.

He'd been prepared for Dethklok to end, had even accepted the idea that his career as a guitarist was over, diminished to a hobby. Playing guitar was his lifeblood, his purpose, and he'd been about to let that go. What had he been thinking? How had he gotten so wrapped up in fantasy that throwing away his entire self had seemed like a plausible course of action.

Loss of objectivity. Fortunately it seemed to be temporary.

He took a long pull from the bottle, dribbling a little and not bothering to wipe it away. Stupid Toki, needing to be comforted like a child with make-believe bedtime stories. He couldn't just man up and move on like everyone else, like Skwisgaar had been doing since he was a teen, finding his next audition, his next couch to crash on, his next temporary alliance with subpar musicians to make ends meet. It couldn't have been an easier landing for him either, no concerns about hunger or homelessness or deportation hanging over his head. He was set up for success and still couldn't handle it.

Fucking idiot needed so much attention, so much coddling, he'd even run straight into harm's way to try and make a friend. Of all people, he'd had to choose Magnus, that vindictive bastard. Of course he'd still been carrying a grudge, when had he ever let anything go in the past? And they'd known it.

A pair of divots on the ceiling stared back at him, one dark, one catching the light. Glaring back at him mockingly, winking at his impotent rage.

They'd known. They'd known, they knew, they knew.

Skwisgaar knew. And he'd said nothing.

Then he'd watched again, frozen, as Magnus drove a knife into someone close to him.

Skwisgaar thrashed upright, a strangled roar bursting from his lungs as he flung the bottle at the wall. He kicked at the bedside table bolted to the wall, denting it from below, then spun around to tear the sheets from his bunk and hurl them across the room. This wasn't the trade he'd prepared for, this wasn't the deal he'd made with himself.

His eyes fell on his Explorer propped in the corner. He reached for it, wrapping both hands around the ebony fretboard, holding it like an axe and swinging it against the wall. He bashed it into the floor, the dresser, screaming until his throat was raw and the guitar was cracked into useless chunks of wood and fiberglass connected by twisted strings. He dropped the pieces in a heap, sinking to the ground to lean against the side of his bed, his shoulders heaving with labored panting.

The door of his room scraped open, and in his periphery he saw a figure standing, backlit by the dim red glow in the corridor. Broad-shouldered, straight hair dangling about their head. His heart seized for a moment before the figure spoke, shattering his hallucination.

"What are you doing in here?" Nathan's gravelly voice was cautious.

Skwisgaar didn't turn, eyes still focused on the debris ahead of him. The stainless steel guitar strings seemed to wriggle like worms in grave soil, consuming the corpse of his instrument. He waited until he caught his breath before trying to respond.

"What does it looks like I'm doingks?"

Nathan shifted in the doorway. "Losing your mind."

He chuckled mirthlessly.

Loss of sanity? Maybe.

"You've been locked up in there a while. Maybe you should, you know. Come out here. With the rest of the band."

"Fucks off."

Nathan didn't move. Skwisgaar felt the urge to rage at the other man rise in him, to shout in his face, demand to know why it had taken him so long to patch things over with Pickles, why he let it go so far that he'd upset all of their lives so horrifically. But the feeling passed, his body drained from his previous outburst and from trying to filter a pharmacy's worth of substances through his liver.

"We're gonna find him, you know. Charles has people everywhere looking already."

One shoulder rose and fell in a halfhearted shrug. "Whatevers. Who cares."

They could have been a four-piece. If he really wanted to rage at someone it would be his past self. How different would things be right now if he'd never given that gutter rat a chance after missing his audition time? How much of what they achieved would they have really missed out on? How many rerecording sessions and stupid arguments and publicized blow outs could have been avoided? What would they really have been missing?

He certainly wouldn't mourn the loss of a constant source of annoyance. Of an immature tag-along with a hair trigger temper. Of a loud and boisterous whirlwind of silliness and color and sincerity.

Loss of his shadow. Loss of his muse. Loss of his best friend. Loss of his future. Loss of…

Loss of…

He couldn't breathe.

"Just leaves me alone. Please." He gritted out, proud of the steadiness of his voice as his stomach began to roil and his eyes prickled with tears.

Nathan hesitated. "Should I...close this?"

Skwisgaar nodded and after another moment the steel frame clanged shut. His vision blurred as tears welled and spilled over, his breath returning in short gasping puffs which rolled over into sobs that rattled his frame.

They'd had one day. Not even a day. An evening. Hours.

He wept until he was sick, vomiting clear liquor and not much else onto the floor next to the remnants of his guitar. He wept until his tears were spent and his head throbbed in tandem with his heart, even though he didn't understand how the muscle still carried a beat when the rhythm had been taken away.

Eventually he had nothing left. His face felt swollen, his eyes were gritty. Skwisgaar rolled to his hands and knees, avoiding the puddle of sick as he rocked up onto wobbly legs. He looked at the door, wondering if the others were still awake. If they were sitting in the lounge, drowning their sorrows. He felt like he wore a lead weight around his neck, bowing under the pull of it. It might be better just to sleep.

He turned to the naked mattress, but a scrap of blue on the floor near the foot of the bed caught his attention. A faded cotton t-shirt lay where it had been discarded. Skwisgaar stared at it for several long moments. He stepped closer to the bed, to the shirt.

And kicked it underneath the frame and out of sight before turning for the door.

He'd never given much energy to grief. Life was just a punctuated string of losses in the long run. Loss of purpose. Loss of self. Loss of connection. Loss of…

It was all meaningless, really. So why dwell on mourning what you couldn't have back?

#skwisgaar skwigelf #toki wartooth #skwistok #dethklok #metalocalypse

[blueberryrock]

Here is the last chapter, and now we're all caught up, tomorrow will have the new chapter!

(Third pov)

"Umm log date, 126 3 56. Today marks the beginning of the third month of my pregnancy. It's been at least a couple hundred years since I have last done this, but I really need to talk to some things out."

I would talk to Yellow about this, but it'd probably poof her, and I would talk to Steven, but I don't want to dump all my problems on him, I definitely don't want to dump this on Spinel especially after all that she has been through."

Blue sighs

"So here we go. This is going to sound very very selfish, but I hate this. I hate being pregnant, I hate having to eat, I hate haveing to drink water, I hate feeling them move around inside me. I hate that whatever food that they don't like comes back up. I hate seeing Yellow, White, and Steven so happy about this when I'm not. I don't understand why can't I enjoy this."

"Why can't I enjoy the thought of feeling them moving around inside me, why can't I enjoy the thought of little gemlings running around, why can't I bare to enjoy the thought of Yellow being happy with them."

"Ah shit, I think I hear someone coming, I'll have to finish this later, umm Blue Diamond out"

"This is the continuation of log date 126 3 56, it's been one rotation since the last log and today Steven and Garnet came to visit us, I suspect they actually came for me, and not for White or Yellow."

They both seemed nervous, like they knew something that I didn't, which makes me feel even worse. However, it was very pleasant to see Steven again, whether or not he was acting suspiciously."

He invited me to go for a "stroll", I agreed and we walked around the palace, which was nice but he kept asking me how I was doing/feeling. I thought he meant physically so I said fine (which wasn't a total lie), but he kept on pressing, and I told him I was fine emotionally. Which was a lie? Maybe? I-i still can't answer that question."

But I quickly changed the subject until I dropped him off at Pink's old room (which is now Spinel's room). Then I came to my chambers and started this log continuation, so now I'm just talking to myself again, stars, I should really do something useful."

"But the further along in this nightmare called pregnancy, the less and less work I have to do. Yellow said something about it being less stressful for me and the 'babies', but with all this time on my hands, I've only been thinking about what's going to happen to me."

"When the crystal gem Pearl explained to us what happened to Pink when she was giving birth. Pearl said that as soon as steven's torso came out she disappeared in a flash without even saying a word to anyone."

"I-I don't want that, I don't even want this, I don't want to have to say goodbye, hell I don't want to fucking leave."

"But Yellow watching the gemlings develop and on the scanner is making her so happy, I don't remember when she was this happy, not even when Pink or I first emerged. Not when we learned she wasn't shattered and we found ( I think she was more relieved that the war was over than actually being happy), not even when we invited Spinel to live with us, although I think that's a close second"

"But this, I'm only doing this for her. I have to make it up to her, for all those times she was there for me when we thought we lost Pink. I have to do it even if it means sacrificing myself and if I'll never get to see her again."

"Well I have another appointment to get to, and this time Spinel is coming with us, I wonder what her reaction will be, it will definitely be better than mine."

"Blue Diamond out"

(Blue's pov)

I shut off my screen and I bang my head on my vanity, could I really go through with it? Could I really sacrifice myself? Why am I having these thoughts, this was...no is a big mistake?

I instantly perk up to the sound of my room's doors opening, I whip my head to look at the person that opened them.

"Hey Blue, we are ready to go when you are" Yellow diamond says with a smile on her face.

I try to match her happiness "yeah, umm I'm ready to go now" I push my seat back and I make my way over to the group.

This time Steven, Garnet, and Spinel is tagging along with me and Yellow to my appointment. Spinel is gleefully skipping in front of us as everyone else is going the same pace as me.

"Coome oon, can't you go any faster" Spinel whines. " Now Spinel, I am going as fast as I can" I smile at her as she groans.

We make our way to the medical wing, past the waiting area and into the same room where we first learned that I'm..pregnant.. I take a seat on the same same, pale blue, metal table.

Yellow picks up Spinel and sits down in her chair, she gently sets Spinel down in her lap.

"Ooh I'm so excited!" Spinel bounces up and down.

"Why? The medical pearl said it's going to be a normal check-up" I cross my arms in my lap.

"Well, this'll be the first time I get to see them" Spinels says with a big smile "were you just as excited and happy to see them as I was."

I open my mouth to say something but I just look down at my hands.

"I know I was" Yellow replies with just as much happiness as Spinel "I nearly cried when I saw them, even if they were just little grey blobs"

"Y-yes, I was very happy" I lie, I try to smile but it comes out as a half-smile.

"Anyways, how many little gemlings are there?" Spinel asks another question.

"Three" I answer dryly.

"Huh, I thought it was two" Spinel stops bouncing "oh well, I can't wait to see them!" She continues jumping with almost twice the amount of excitement.

I smile at her sheer silliness, the pale doors open as the small medical pearl wheels in the camera scanner.

"Wait, I thought you were going to use the regular scanner" Steven says, huh I almost forgot that he was here.

"No, every three months I will use this scanner to scan Blue Diamond" the small medical pearls pats the screen part of the scanner "and it has been three months"

The medical pearl turns to looks at me "you do remember how to do this"

I give her an unsure nod "I just lay down and phase away some of my dress?" The medical pearl nods.

I do as she needs and I get as comfortable as I can on my back, I carefully phase away the part of my dress to reveal my swelling stomach. The coldness of the room makes little bumps appear on my arms and stomach.

After the medical pearl sets up the screen, I have to help her onto my bulging belly, she then pours almost two bottles of cold gel onto me. I shiver from the cold gel and the room, it causes the tiny pearl to almost fall off.

"Sorry" I quickly apologize.

The medical pearl brushes her green hair away from her face "it's quite alright my dia-Blue Diamond"

Spinel lets out an excited squeal as the pearl starts to move the scanner around my abdomen. The screen starts making the same noise as before and I turn to look at it.

"Aww two little...well they're not little" Spinel as excitedly "and wait, I guess I was right, there is only two."

"Wait two" I say out loud "there is supposed to be three" I look at Yellow, she looks like she's about to cry.

I look back at the Pearl "what happened" I say angrily, why am I getting like this...?

"I-i don't know" the Pearl frantically tries to look for the third gemling, but she can't find it.

"Wait, I heard something like this happening with humans" Steven jumps up to get a better look at the screen.

I give him a perplexed look. "Well, sometimes if a woman has twins or triplets, one of the babies 'eats' " he makes air quotation marks "or absorbs the other baby, it's actually not as rare as people think" Steven finishes, he jumps back down and takes his seat next to Garnet.

"So, one of the...babies...ate the other one?" I ask "does that mean one of them died?"

"I really don't know Blue, I'm not an expert on this" Steven looks sadly at me "the only reason I know about it, is Connie's mom told us about women that had two babies then give birth to one"

I turn my gaze to the medical pearl, who is trying to silently pack the scanner away "does this mean I have to eat and sleep less?"

"Umm I don't know, I've never seen this, I think you should continue what you've been doing. But please contact me if you feel any different" the medical pearl finally gets the scanner ready to be put away.

"Okay" I wipe off the now warm gel on my baby bump with my sleeve, I sit back up and I look at Yellow. She still looks devastated, I wish I could cheer her up, but I'm not good at it, all I'll do is make her feel worse.

"Hey" Steven calls out, our gaze shifts onto him "were going to go back to Spinel's room, if you need to talk to anyone, I'm here" he looks at Yellow "that's goes for the both of you."

I phase on the missing part of my top and carefully slide off the table, I make my way to the empty chair next to Yellow and Spinel. As soon as I sit down, Spinel decides to move onto the floor to give us some room.

I place my hand on Yellow's, but she doesn't seem to really notice. "Yellow?" I try to get her attention, she slowly moves to look at me.

Her sad, watery, golden eyes stare into mine "what" she says miserably, she turns her gaze to hand.

"Why don't we go to my chambers and relax?" I stand up, trying to get her to move "I can start my extraction chamber and" Yellow angrily cuts me off.

"What's wrong with you?" Yellow quickly jumps to her feet.

"What's wrong with me? I didn't do anything" I raise my voice a little bit.

"Exactly, we just found out that we lost one of our gemlings. And you're just standing here unphased by it" yellow balls her fist, a small lighting arc coming from her elbow to her shoulder materializes "it's like you don't even care"

"Hey I'm just going to go now" Spinel's small voice cuts through the room.

"Me too" Yellow turns to the door, I grab her shoulder and turn her back around "Yellow i-" she cuts me off.

"I'm going to my chambers to think, don't try to send any messages to me" Yellow angrily turns away and heads out the door with Spinel.

Anger seeps through me as I follow them then turn to head straight for my chambers, I try to remain calm as I walk through the somehow crowded halls. As soon as the doors close behind me, I let out an angry groan. I summon a small white orb from my finger and throw it at the wall.

I curl my hands into fists, why couldn't I be sad? Or mad? Or something, other than feeling nothing at all?

I aggressively run a hand through my soft hair, I tear out any knots I come across. I begin to pace around my chambers, with one hand in my hair and the other one on my baby bump.

I yank my hand out of my hair, some clumps of hair is wrapped around my fingers, as I shake the hair off I summon my screen again "umm, log date 126 3 56, this will be my final continuation of this log" I stop pacing and I sit down on my bed.

"So it turns out that one of the gemlings has absorbed one of the other ones, I am now curious if that's going to have any side effects. But I doubt that I'll be able to see it if any occur"

I let out a long sigh "the reason I am finishing this is because I think I made Yellow mad, well not necessarily mad, just upset. But I don't understand what I did or didn't do"

"I would apologize but she said she needs some time to think, but I hope that she'll forgive me, but if not I still have about six months to fix my mistake."

"Stars, I don't know what's wrong with me, I should be devastated that we lost one of the gemlings. I should have tried to do more to cheer up Yellow, I should've done more to prevent whatever happened"

I lay my head in my hands "I need to fix this somehow, but I don't even know where to start, how am I supposed to fix something that started with something that I don't even want" I spit out angrily.

I lift my head out of my hands "Yellow, if somehow you find this, and I am gone, I just want you to know that I am very sorry that I put you through this and with the six months that I still have, I will try to make it up to you. No, I will make it up to you, no matter what"

"I still love you"

So im not very good at "angsty" stuff, so there is my attempt, hope y'all enjoyed it, see ya tomorrow!

#steven universe #blue diamond su #su yellow diamond #bellow diamond #fanfic #i forgot the tags again