#even before you reach the cut

[simgerale]

me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game

#hi everyone #I’m going around hugging you all #okay now that we are gathered here today #i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best #i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time #and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol #but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine #literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything #I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake…. #I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour #then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it #and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again #I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do #so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour. #I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday #y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts #I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story #I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my #own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing? #y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents #.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire #but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself #I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump #I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions #I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well #I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day. #but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it #I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing #I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!! #I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time

[lucyvaleheart]

.

#so first of all I'm fine. #second of all I don't know if that's a lie or not but like. by some stretch it's gotta be true #so it doesn't count as a lie to my code of honor. #anyway. I keep fucking losing it y'all #I.... even now on depression medication I'm still breaking down what feels like fucking daily #it's just in different ways #crying harder than I have in a while and feeling more panicked about than like I'm releasing emotion #it's more distant but for some reason it's. easier to conceptualize uh #....tw here for like self harm and suicidal thoughts don't read the rest of these if you don't wanna see that #some reason it's easier to conceptualize the idea of. cutting myself? it never felt like a possibility before #id think about it and know I'd never do it. but. now.... #.....i can't help but find myself wondering if it *would* feel good. to hurt. to see my own blood #........there are so many people who's lives I've touched that would be saddened if I were gone but #it's.....harder to use that to ground myself. to pull myself away from the thoughts of just...... #..........stopping #ending everything. i dunno. fuck. #....a few weeks ago I found myself wanting to roll out of the moving car and could feel myself able to #reach for the seatbelt buckle and the door handle #........im not okay and honestly I don't know if I care #sometimes I do but when I feel like this it feels impossible TO care #it feels so distant. i feel so distant. I feel so nothing and so bad at the same time #i feel so fucking ugly #so much self hatred rearing it's head where I thought I'd gotten past it #i have a therapy appointment at the end of March and I'm not sure if that's soon enough.

[bedlamsbard]

man, sometimes the stuff that crosses my dash makes it really clear to me that your average fanfic writer has not had the experience I've had where one or two of their fics are deeply, deeply hated and have been for years. like, it's in the back of my head that surely everyone's had that experience at least once but...uh...apparently not.

#stuff like 'there's nothing better than an ao3 comment notification!' #oh do you mean your average fanfic writer DOESN'T have a mental list of things to never write again ever? #the response to wake/gambit REWIRED MY BRAIN #there's stuff I just will not do #I had to RETRAIN MYSELF to post on ao3 because I got so traumatized by it #it was SEVEN YEARS before I wrote another trio ship and even then I snuck up on it sideways #I have never written another slow burn #I won't write anything where the ship is not clear from the start #(this is btw why home and horizon put the ships in the first chapter) #(honestly probably part of the reason reaches is on hold is because that one can't put the ship in the first chapter) #I straight up had a panic attack over a SETTING that ended up cut from yonder because I couldn't write it without hyperventilating #the contortions I did for the chaos trio in horizon to avoid getting the gambit reaction are pretty severe even if they don't show #I got so stressed about home potentially getting some of the same genre of responses that gambit did #that I completely overlooked a different and more likely genre because these fandoms are different actually #whatever batshit thing you can think of someone saying about wake/gambit and a lot you can't: someone's said it #no: crazier than that. crazier than that. CRAZIER THAN THAT! #where do I even start #ten years this december baby! #(my beta issues come out of backbone that's a different thing entirely) #talking about feedback in public #anyway it's been a minute since the last time so I'm sure I'll get another one in the next month or so

[ninjigma]

Okay, but 'Underground' by Cody Fry (Symphony Covers) is actually peak music for me.

The way the music actually feels like being hit by the train as the whole thing crescendos. The overall tone of being lost and alone, and how you never stop looking for that light, only to meet it too fast to even know what is happening. The same way things seem to start so slow, that you can fall into darkness, and all it takes is the choice to stand up and face it all. How things hurt, how you hang on to your hope, and then BAM! You're there, life rapid and twisting and darkness consumed by light and then suddenly your floating.

It is all so simple, just a short story about someone waking up in a train tunnel and just, being hit by a train really, like some sort of horrible respawn point in red dead redemption! It doesn't require any real deeper thought, you can just listen to pretty music and vocals and have no need for anything more, and it is still great.

EXCEPT you can also get lost in it. It starts so soft, so quiet, so alone. And then you begin to wander, to question, to discover as the music picks up, like a child learning an instrument. As you discover where you were, who you are, who you may become. And then there is the light, the chance, standing and suddenly seeing you are right on track. And then it is just EVERYTHING! No time left to break, no where left to go, and then WHAM! And then, the quiet again...

"Love, I see you now, You found me here, underground."

Such a ramble.

But.

Damn.

#links beneath cut #youtube version is even better #do I think of Obi-Bun? Maybe #I could do such a long analysis of this song honestly #how come I can't do that for other things? #listen I don't ramble about much very often and you all choose to be here so #going on main to reach as many as possible #like can't you just imagine that moment before you are absolutely launched forward? #can you picture that peak moment in the story where everything is on the line? #The journey started so slow but now here we are at the speed of light and WHAM #my love of music has no bounds #youtube link #spotify link #music is art #cody fry #screaming frog #Spotify #Youtube

[whore4batfam]

why are bruce and stephanie the most tragic dynamic?

because of the lost potential.

Both of these characters have the ability to have an amazing dynamic, and a deep relationship that can cause healing for both of them. But in every continuity this doesn’t happen.

The story is this: a man and a girl could become something great. If not father and daughter, people who see each other for what they are, and help and respect each other to be more. But that never happens. Every single time, that never happens. That’s how the story goes. Instead, they hurt each other, adding to the pain each carries around. And there is no real resolution to the hurt they carry.

So the characters live in stasis, never finding resolution, never fulfilling their potential. There was a chance, once. But the time to be something to each other has come and gone.

Basically, it’s a story of failure.

#Tell me that doesn’t remind you of your relationship with your dad lol #it was failure! Batman failed! #he couldn’t do it #and Stephanie feels like she failed too #she couldn’t reach him #and it’s sad because they weren’t given a chance before they really began #because even though they’re characters with a clear dynamic — they can’t make choices on their own #the writers do #it was always going to end this way #a grief cut off before you can really realize what even happened #what may have been

[bookshelf-in-progress]

Fun fact: The fairy tale flash fiction has now passed 4,000 words.

#i'm okay talking about it because i'm going to finish this thing if it kills me #it nearly has #you don't know how i've agonized over those opening scenes #writing and then rewriting and then cutting almost everything of it #i gave up months ago before finally getting inspiration or at least motivation to just push through #i've now reached roughly the halfway point #maybe 3/4 #and i am embarrassed by a lot of it but also at least i have something that sort of a little bit flows #i want to finish the ask game stories before starting on the four loves challenge #the trouble is that i love tattercoats as a story so much that i'm aiming for a more detailed retelling than i might otherwise #it's still bare bones because i'm a hack who can't write description #but it's going to sit in a weird middle ground of being too long to be satisfying short fiction and too short to count as a full retelling #i've got one speech that i love #a few images or moments that i'm okay with #and the rest is just scaffolding that hopefully keeps the story from collapsing even if it isn't pretty #all duct-taped together with sentiment #i had hoped to get a first draft done tonight but since that ain't happening there's no chance it's getting done this week #but at least i'm further in than i've ever been before #and making good use of scene breaks so this section feels more doable than it ever has #if i can just get them to the palace it'll be relatively smooth sailing #here's hoping i can keep from overagonizing and just get a draft down that i can edit later #it hasn't happened yet during this draft but one can hope #(which is rather a prominent theme in the story actually) #adventures in writing

[joons]

"[Elvis] always appreciated compliments rendered him, the gifts he received or the considerations extended to him. Only when he thought an ulterior motive was behind the act, did he withhold his feeling."

!!!

#the gears of my brain just ROARING #so! so! #elvis spoke passive-aggressiveness FLUENTLY #it's a common trait in people pleasers who feel hemmed in by obligation; they can't say no even when they need to or want to #so elvis 90% of the time could be like 'i love giving you things i will give you so much here is everything ok do you need anything else' #but when that wall hits ... and it could be because he feels particularly self-conscious or he PICKS UP ON A VIBE #any sense that he is being used or laughed at #then it's like :| ya done! #and like ... realistically he couldn't cut everyone out when he reached that point #he just had to seethe quietly forever #like the colonel or family members if they had a fight or whatever #and then! then! #think about how often he might hit this wall out of simple habit #out of fearing that a relationship would come to an end and just bailing emotionally before anything was wrong #the self-sabotage is so human and recognizable and the result of being so giving #that he had no idea how to say 'i need some space' without feeling guilty #I! Know! This! Feeling! #i just live a milder life where that anxiety doesn't interfere with many ppl #like the more i learn the more in love i am with the colonel/elvis confrontation in the film #framing it as transactional 'we have both lived from each other' #it's likeeeee that's what elvis most feared his relationships were and also what he most wanted to HEAR someone ADMIT #because then there's no doubt no need to feel guilty (much)

[thegirlwholied]

"and I trusted him"

is the fundamental tragedy of House of the Dragon broken trusts & misplaced trusts & bitterness over lack of trust & loving someone you know you should not trust & losing the only ones you could trust & what happens when the love is there but trust isn't & what happens when you can't trust anymore hmmm

#house of the dragon #house of the dragon spoilers #rhaenyra targaryen #harwin strong #jace velaryon #just dwelling on how Rhaenyra speaks those words to Daemon & how episode 10 - before the throat grab! - shows us who she trusts even before #- and how she & Alicent reach out to get past their broken trust but never quite make it #- and how Daemon's deepest issue seems to be his brother not trusting him but also his own actions are why he's not trusted #how Alicent in a funhouse-mirror-of-Rhaenyra cannot trust her oldest son & has the 'devotion' of a Strong man she CAN'T trust yet relies on #and how Rhaenyra cares for Laenor but cannot count on him #& respects the Velaryons but not to the point she can trust them with Laenor's 'death' #and the game of thrones is decided by who you trust #but there's few to trust once power's in play #and what cuts deeper than knowing you HAD those you could trust #but lost them #and now you're surrounded by hungry-eyed strangers and what trust will you have left to give by the end? #(not. enough.) #you don't know what you got till it's gone #and now the storm is coming #so this show has me by the throat CLEARLY #just saying #sometimes you get that old itch to write an essay and i am not going to write an essay so Tumblr gets this i guess #sometimes love just ain't enough

[sakebytheriver]

If I say something like the Trump admin cut tons of regulations on quality control for food manufacturers and that's why my oreo cookies barely had any filling in them last week or that's why the plastic Italian charcuterie lunchable I bought had way more pepperoni than crackers and cheese with a bunch of the crackers being small burnt and broken or why an entire giant box of Goldfish crackers I bought from the grocery store completely unopened smelled like chemicals and the crackers tasted like they'd been cooked inside plastic clingwrap forcing me to throw away the entire thing because it was clearly all tainted by something during processing, then I sound like a crazy tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist, but that's exactly what's happening.

If you've noticed an uptick in products you buy directly from the grocery store that kinda suck or are disorganized or have somehow gone bad before you even get them home, then congratulations! You have another thing you can blame on Trump, because it's all him and the Reps fault that quality control in the factories has gone to absolute shit

#ignore me #ive just been noticing so many things that I used to buy before all the regulations got cut have been falling in terms of quality #and its all because the trump admin cut tons and tons of regulations that kept corporations in check #and stopped them from selling you shitty products that have expired before they even reach grocerh store shelves #or stopped you from getting the castoffs and the stuff that should have been thrown away in the production #as we talk about shrinkflation compounded with regular inflation remember that quality control has also been slashed to pieces #so now youre paying more for less AND youre also paying for more for worse! #Congrats!

[detectiveconnor]

#the interrogation chapter is the first time you really get to See connor #he is there in a lot of different spaces in a lot of different ways but this is the first time he sort of - #watches the evidence line up and thinks something about it #he has always been a very good guess and a very good reader of people. connor is an Excellent Detective. #watching him Read something here and not know what to make of it? #no: not that #to watch him Read it and think: This Error... #and then close down the thought #cut it off before it starts #he is Here in this chapter but only so very briefly #and it is - i can pinpoint the moment - #it is ''why couldn't you have just left me there?'' #attention piqued. #connor couldn't have. this android - situations reversed - could have. and that is worth something. (what is it worth?) #connor does do those missed steps sometimes #that shift forward of 'oh -' because he's Missed something and is course-correcting #this moment but also 'you gonna stay in the elevator?' or even um #even the 'amanda!' and the way he reaches after her a little bit. a little bit. #''And then one day I understood.'' #you know? #you know #anyway i could write commentary on every chapter of the game from a connor-development standpoint but i feel like that would be #extra

[errantgoat]

"I am Malenia. Blade of Miquella. And I have never known defeat."

Bitch I believe you

#elden ring #i finally reached her yesterday evening and dueled her for about an hour before bed #i didn't manage to reach the second stage yet #i have no idea how to get over the 'death by thousand cuts' combo yet #i panic -rolled through most of it twice but that was me just doing the AAAAAH and trying anything to escape #other than that i believe there is no actual way to evade it #she tracks you through the whole arena and at least the two last bursts reach you #It happened a few times that she was really low on health and then shredded me into oblivion like it was nothing #but the fight itself is phenomenal and i can't wait to see what the second stage of the fight looks like #will probably have to wait because i'm leaving for a week for vacation this weekend #man but i might actually need help with her? #which is a double edged sword because 1 i don't really have enough fp for a powerful summon #my beloved Latenna is just a sitting pool of heals for Malenia #maybe a mimic tear?

[lambjock]

so the curator is STILL getting punished for how heavily he interfered with little hope i see!

#my posts. #ok so i did as i said and played all of the devil in me last night! and it was for sure better than house of ashes by far #loved seeing all their improvements even if i didn't think some of them worked ( aka the wheeling stuff around thing ) #but oh my god the curator has literally had the personality sucked right out of him ?? hello ?? #he was so passionate in lh! his clues were clever and from the heart .. he literally got mad when you killed people #would demand if you knew that there was something worse than death for the lh cast ... would straight up TELL you to be kind to mary #'she's just a child ...' we've never seen so much empathy from the curator before #nor nearly as much interest his screentime in lh is insane #and then after all that it's cut short in hoa ... and now he's so. distant. in tdim #like whoever's his boss brought down the hammer hard on him for little hope it kills me how you can see the curator's favoritism #makes sense he's emotionally invested in lh given the fact they are souls he cannot have ... just right out of his reach ... #anyway love that lh is still the curator's favorite story <3 everyone might hate it but at least he does not

[celestrials]

I will never ever forget or forgive ppl for asking me if I was ever even a furry when they thought that my bf and I were breaking up. That shit was so fucked bc like???? Lmao like yea haha I totally created a fursona and spent hundreds of dollars in commissions in the last couple of years for pretend! It was all a facade! I was only pretending so my bf could like me more! You got me! Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahshahhahahahah🤪🤪🤪

#that shit was so fucked #so many ppl really revealed their tru colors when they thought things were over between us #like I’ve always had my suspicions before but to have them become real was… #also it’s been like idk so months since then like so much time has passed and only like 1 person actually reached out to see how I was doin #that shit sucks sm #like I kno I’m the bad guy in this situation and what I did was super fucked up but like… #idk if you were actually my friend and cared about me and loved me wouldn’t you have at least reached out to be like wtf #and like questioning me or like asking if I’m ok or like telling me what I did was wrong #or like actually telling me your cutting me off #in person or thru text or idk #anything! #anything would have been nice but it’s been radio silence since then #I have not spoken to anyone! except like 3 ppl. and we barely talk at all #but two of those ppl aren’t really a part of the one big group I’m referring to #idk it’s a little fucked #like if someone I loved and cared about did something horrible like idk #I would still talk to them! just to ask what they were thinking they led them to do what they did #bc I still care about them! and I want what’s best for them and idk I still love them #even if it’s unforgivable I would still like to hear why they did it at least #and then cut my ties afterwards if I decide to but i would let them kno #it’s just fucked up bc I didn’t even get any of that from anyone #and I feel like somehow that’s worse #idk it just really makes me not want to continue or even try to repair whatever relationship I had with everyone #I’m just so alone now and like #it’s just so so so depressing #like I really have no one #well I have some ppl but it’s like literally 3 and idk that’s ok but like I wish i had the other ppl I really really loved too #idk it’s hard to stay happy when I spend so much time alone now I miss driving late at night listening to music with friends so much #I do it alone now and I just breakdown #or I try to do it with someone else and it still makes me sad bc the ppl I loved doing it with are ppl I can’t do it with anymore

[ziracona]

Do gotta hand it to FO4; there’s something very poetic about The Railroad, a group taking its name from a forbearer that also at great risk smuggled slaves to freedom, made up of this small, struggling, regularly brutally purged, yet defiantly resilient group of civilians and liberated slaves, during the course of the game, operating and living out of a little church of historical significance, a symbol of freedom in its own right, living out of the crypts beneath it, among the bodies and the graves.

#everything about them is poetic and sad. it’s poetic and sad the last scripted Dialogue for Deacon’s first mission with the player is ‘End #of the line.’ Said happily about reaching escape. but also the quest name of the quest where you’re asked to walking into HQ & destroy them #there’s something poetic and awful and painful about how Deacon’s first personal remark to the Sole Survivor is that he’d take it as a #personal favor if they wouldn’t betray them to the institute since he vouched for them. it’s said laughingly. friendly. and the last thing #said to Deacon if the player /does/ betray them to the Institute is Desdemona’s ‘I should have known better than to trust your #recommendation’. before his desperate ‘I swear this wasn’t me. what the fuck’ and before they all die. there’s something deeply tragic and #poetic in that one of the women in HQ gives Preston caps excitedly and thanks him for the Minutemen. in that if you wipe them out with the #brotherhood you storm a church to be met by desperate civilian begging you to just leave them alone as they’re cut down pipe pistols to #power armor and Gatlings. not anger like the other factions. fear and desperation. pleading. trying to buy someone else time to flee #in that if Deacon isn’t in HQ when you destroy it if you turn on them he will hunt you down and try to kill you to avenge them. a #trait unique in every faction to him alone. In that they only move on the brotherhood when attacked. in that they attack the Institute to #save people not to destroy a threat. In that you find safe house after safe house with dead civilians in cloth. #in the way they’ve died many times before and someone always cares enough to pick up the pieces. in that every route points you gently to #them. but there’s nothing to keep them safe except choice. that even if you abandon them but don’t attack Dez will let you walk. #in the fact Deacon’s character exists at all. they are truly deeply overwhelmingly tragic. and it’s beautiful. and simple. just people #trying to do something that can’t be done forever knowing that for the days they can. everyone is standing in a host of ghost’s shoes #even the PC is given a dead man’s gun and can take his name. is recruited becuase they’re falling without him #and they live in a church among the dead in the crypts far from the light and their symbol is a lanter #Mama Murphy calls them the light in the darkness. truly. surrounded by it. but better to light one candle than to curse the dark #and hundreds of people have done so and died so that a few others could live. and they’re still doing it. and they don’t regret #Deacon calls them a family. P.A.M. stayed and helped for love of Glory. Carrington says Desdemona’s flaw is her heart - evidenced by her #allowing the PC to join or leave despite the risk they represent when the clinical call would be to kill them or another extreme measure. #and he’s right. but it’s also why they have a chance to live. Everything about them is about vulnerability and heart. Everything #fallout 4 #the railroad #the railroad fallout 4

[scoreplings]

almost four months out from ending a ten year long friendship / three year long relationship. seven years of saying we’d live together our whole lives and planning the house we’d move into together. where we’d build our life together. and that life isn’t going to exist now. and it sucks. and it hurts. but i am doing better now than i have in years. and its bittersweet because of that pain. but its still good. i have people in my life who love me. i have family, and friends, and a boyfriend i love so much it makes me feel crazy. and i’m about to move across the country and get a chance for as fresh of a start as i could ask for. anyone who’s hurting or hopeless or heartbroken i want you to know things do get better. you do get over it. you do keep on living. you find people and things that make you happy and you move on. you’ve got better things coming for you ❤️

#i am stupid in love and i was thinking today #like what if that guy was it for me yknow? what if he was my soul mate what if the fact we were together so long means we were meant to be #together forever and ive made a terrible mistake and i should have tried harder #but yknow what? #1) he never tried for me. it was always me reaching out to fix things no matter who’s ‘fault’ an issue was. and i dont want to do that for #the rest of my life. #and 2) so what! i was not happy with him. i was miserable to the point of sucidality while i was with him. if that’s my soulmate then i dont #want one! #and of course getting him out of my life hasn’t fixed everything. #i am still depressed sometimes. #but a year ago i was having daily anxiety attacks and physically self harming and making plans to kill myself #now the last time i had an anxiety attack was about a week ago. and i cant remember the one before that #ive been suicidal once that i can remember in the past two weeks and i had no plan and took no action toward it. #just last a few hours until i calmed down and ive been fine since. #its. really incredible. #how good for me cutting him out was. even if it made me miserable for awhile #i dont think i’ll be ‘over’ him for a long time. but i am at the very least able to say with certainty its a good thing hes out of my life #sorry for being cringe anyway. goodnight i love you

[waluijoe]

pple constantly look at me like hmm i wonder why you're so closed off and distant when you can actually be super kind and fun then act in ways that just reinforce exactly why im closed off and distant and its like. girl..

#girl i was trying to be fun and i was kind before you hit me with the usual bullshit girl #girl i was trying to tell you abt my life and you cut me off and then i was trying to open up and you scoffed #abt how i could just Do things yknow ? instead of just not doing things ? #girl.. i told you for months i was isolated becos pple didnt care even when i reached out sm and you still tell me #i didnt invite you cause i know you live like a gremlins #girl.. #are u dumb for realsies or is that a karmic joke