#ex-wives of henry viii as red bull drivers | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

herohimbowhore · 6 months

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The revolving door of Red Bull drivers within the past decade has always been a topic of discussion.

Webber retires and Ricciardo's in. Vettel leaves for Ferrari and in comes Kyvat. Oops, no Kyvat out, and Verstappen takes his place. Ricciardo leaves and Gasly is promoted to the main team. But Gasly isn't it, and in comes Albon. Nevermind, Albon out and Perez is the man. Or is he?

It's a neverending cycle of one driver in and another replacing him only for rumors about replacements to swirl.

Hundreds of years earlier, similar patterns existed with Henry VIII and his six wives.

This brings forth the question: which wife's narrative suits the most for some of the former and current Red Bull drivers.

Based on the song Ex-Wives from Six: The Musical.

________________________________________________

My name's Catherine Of Aragon

Was married 24 years, I'm a paragon

Of royalty, my loyalty is to the Vatican

So if you try to dump me

You won't try that again

The initial thought for Catherine of Aragon, based solely on being the first wife would be Sebastian Vettel. He's the first Red Bull junior to make it to the main team, take the first win for both Toro Rosso and Red Bull, and win the first championship with the team.

However, Catherine of Aragon is Max Verstappen. Lyrically and based on the narrative, Max Verstappen is most like Catherine.

Paragon of royalty:

This could be translated into a racing lineage. Both of Max's parents were in motorsport. Jos is a former Formula 1 driver, though undeniably nowhere as good as his son. Sophie is a karting and race car driver who competed against Jenson Button, Giancarlo Fisichella, Jarno Trulli, and Nick Heidfeld. Christian Horner in a recent interview on Dax Shepard's podcast eff won with DRS said that he used to kart against Sophie and she beat him.

My loyalty is to the Vatican:

In this situation, the Vatican would be Red Bull. Max's current contract ends in 2028 and he has mentioned many times that he could possibly retire when that contract ends. Max has never talked about a desire to race for another team.

Also, Max is rarely spotted not wearing the team kit. The man is dedicated to the team.

I'm that Boleyn girl

And I'm up next

See, I broke England from the Church

Yeah, I'm that sexy

Why did I lose my head?

Well, my sleeves may be green

But my lipstick's red!

Anne Boleyn is undeniably Sebastian Vettel.

Lyrically and based on the colors mentioned in the song, Sebastian has the makings of the Boleyn girl.

See, I broke England from the Church:

Breaking England from the Church for Sebastian is ending the Red Bull/Sebastian Vettel partnership that had won the team four drivers' championships and four constructors' championships.

Red Bull back then was Sebastian Vettel, they were one and the same. Sebastian got them their first everything and it seemed like a solid partnership until Sebastian signed with Ferrari. Thus, breaking England from the Church, or in this case leaving the team he won with.

Why did I lose my head?:

This is 2020.

Nothing is going right, Sebastian's dropped by Ferrari for Carlos Sainz Jr. Commentators are talking about how he isn't the same Sebastian Vettel and he doesn't have that same level of skill as before, especially in comparison to his younger teammate, Charles Leclerc.

Well, my sleeves may be green but my lipstick's red:

Sebastian retired in Aston Martin green, but he's not going to be remembered as the Aston Martin driver, he'll always be a core piece of Red Bull's history in Formula One.

Another way that this can be interpreted is Christian Horner telling Sebastian that he could always take a year off and come back home (Red Bull) if he wanted after Sebastian was dropped by Ferrari.

Jane Seymour, the only one he truly loved

Rude

When my son was newly born, I died

But I'm not what I seem

Or am I?

Stick around, and you'll suddenly see more

Now, Jane was a difficult one because she could be connected to three different drivers (Sebastian, Daniel, and Checo) at different points in their respective careers. But, in my opinion, based on how the 2023 season has played out, Checo is most like Jane Seymour.

the one he truly loved (rude):

While Checo is probably not the most loved of the drivers for Christian (see: Max, Sebastian, Daniel), the lyric does fit him when put into comparison with Pierre and Alex. Of Checo, Pierre, and Alex, he is the one that was truly loved.

Checo, when not performing to the level that Red Bull wants, has gotten a lot more support than Pierre and Alex. He's also lasted much longer than the other two.

When my son was newly born, I died:

This is Checo's championship aspirations earlier this year.

Just when it looked like Checo could be a legitimate challenger for Max in the drivers' championship, he had a fall in form. After two race wins and only a few points separating them, there was hope that maybe, just maybe Checo could beat Max. But following Miami, Max went on to have a record-breaking amount of consecutive wins. Thus, killing the newly born championship dreams for 2023.

Ich bin Anna of Cleves

When he saw my portrait he was like

Ja!

But I didn't look as good as I did in my pic

Funny how we all discuss that, but never Henry's little

One thing Anna of Cleves and Pierre Gasly had in common was that they both only had a short union with Henry VIII and Red Bull. However, after the breakup, they continued to be tied to their ex.

Anna of Cleves stayed in England and was a present figure in Henry VIII's life after their divorce, sometimes called his sister. Pierre Gasly was demoted to the junior team, AlphaTauri, and stayed there for a few years.

When he saw my portrait he was like, Ja!:

When Daniel left Red Bull, they needed to bring someone in to replace him, and out of the two drivers on the junior team, they picked Pierre. They saw his portrait (his record with the junior team) and thought it good enough to be promoted.

But I didn't look as good as I did in my pic:

Pierre's time with Red Bull is short-lived, just like Anna of Cleves' marriage to Henry VIII. He wasn't performing like Red Bull wanted, therefore, didn't look as good as he did when they signed him. Which led to a premature end and quick replacement just halfway through the 2019 season.

Prick up your ears, I'm the Katherine who lost her head

For my promiscuity outside of wed

Lock up your husbands, lock up your sons

K Howard is here, and the fun's begun

If Pierre is Anna of Cleves, then Alex Albon is Katherine Howard. Much like in the song when Katherine Howard begins singing halfway through Anna of Cleves' verse, Alex Albon began his time with Red Bull halfway through Pierre's contract.

Prick up your ears, I'm the Katherine who lost her head:

Alex's version of losing his head is not getting a contract for 2021 and becoming a test driver for the team. He spent the year without a race seat and it could have been a forever thing.

Katherine was young and married early, Alex was promoted before his time in his rookie year. Both of them were punished for something that was beyond their ability.

K Howard is here, and the fun's begun:

This is Alex with Williams, but still going to Red Bull events like Wings for Life and hanging out with drivers in the Red Bull "family." He's having fun, showing off his ability as a driver, and just making them think about offering him a contract when his contract with Williams ends.

Five down, I'm the final wife

I saw him to the end of his life

I'm the survivor, Catherine Parr

I bet you wanna know how I got this far

I said, I bet you wanna know how I got this far

Now, Catherine Parr, most would think is Sergio Perez. It would make sense, he's still with the team and he was a factor in winning the 2021 drivers' championship and has scored points for the 2022 and 2023 constructors' championship wins.

But Catherine Parr fits with Daniel Ricciardo. He is, in the sense of Red Bull, the survivor.

I saw him to the end of his life:

Daniel coming into Red Bull in 2014 saw Red Bull at the end of the team's first block of domination and the end of Sebastian's career with Red Bull.

This was the Red Bull downfall era as Mercedes was emerging as the top team. Daniel was the only Red Bull driver to get wins for the team. Daniel was there at the end.

I'm the survivor:

Daniel, unlike Pierre, Alex, and now Checo, was able to leave Red Bull with his head held high and a highly regarded driver. When he left, there weren't rumors of him losing his seat. It was on his own terms. He is, to this day, the only one of Max's teammates at Red Bull to beat him and challenge him over the course of a season.

Additionally, even after a downfall after the McLaren stint, Daniel's come back to Red Bull and is considered to be in contention for the second Red Bull seat. He is the survivor of the six Red Bull drivers. When his career seemed like it was going to end, he came back. In Mexico, he was in the top 10 in all sessions during the weekend and gave AlphaTauri their highest Grand Prix finishing of the season. In Brazil, despite rear wing damage that led him to be a lap down and spending most of the race behind Yuki, he was the third-fastest driver.