#finally writing all of this off my chest felt cathartic ngl

[plutoswrath]

Hii! I read somewhere that some of jaehyun's placements (his saturn being one I think) indicates that he's either insecure or unsure about himself and has a lot of inner conflict and I was wondering if you could expand on that.

Some astro musings on Jaehyun - our beloved Valentine...

Hello!

Buckle up, this is going to be interesting, because I have a lot to say on this topic, lol.

People mainly talk about his 12th house stellium in Aquarius (which is co-ruled by Saturn), as well as his Saturn influence in his chart.

The 'not knowing himself' mainly refers to his 12th house, and while I do get where this train of thought is coming from, I have to disagree that it makes Jaehyun unaware of who he is. The 12th house is known to cause an absence of the themes of said planet that sits in it, therefore the individual will develope their very own and usually very unique definition of the themes of the planet. The 12th house is also our subconscious and subconscious self, the side of us we don't see/have troubles accepting,but also the side of us we wished we could personify, it is literally the self we dream of being and wished we could be in another life.

Same as retrograde planets, 12th house placements manifest differently than those who have them direct or in other houses. Usually the individual will gain a better picture of how to approach and define these 12th house planets/topics after a lot of retrospection: at best they seek solitude to develope mindfullness about their dream and desires. Jaehyun having his 12th house stellium in Aquarius can add to a rather closed off, introverted and even stand off-ish nature.

You know what, now that we're talking about this, I know a lot of people wonder why his character (at least to what he seems to be showing to us) changed so drastically when he started out as a nct member. Think about Jaehyun during the 7th sense, fire truck and limitless era and then when they moved on to Simon Says, Regular, Superhuman, etc. One theme about the 12th house (more so when you have placements in there) is the disillusion. Since the planets themes seem always somehow out of reach, you spend a lot of time dreaming and imagining what it must be like finally experiencing it, bathing in it's pure essence. But when it happens and the expectations can't be fulfilled it can lead to massive disappointment. To summarize, I think all the reasons why and how he changed his public persona and character play into the ways the 12th house manifests. We have the Sun, Venus and Mercury in the 12th house, all very important planets when it comes to how you connect with others, what your self is, and how you verbalize yourself and articulate your inner world to others. I do think that one part of the massive disillusion of the 12th house (especially since Sun and Venus in the 12th house can hint to an individual dreaming of being popular/famous, and being socially in touch with his world) happened when it came to him being a public persona, the character he had to play, and the way fans had access and wanted to have access to his personality.

This makes especially sense since they all start out as children and mostly all debuted as children, being right in the process of building the foundation of your sense of self. Fame has its price. And someone who has Sun, Venus and Mercury in the 12th (with whole signs his second chart ruler Jupiter, and Uranus are also in the 12th house), he was perfect to be modelled to the company's wishes as well as the fans desired persona of him.

That's why the 12th house his also known for projection. 12th house placement natives spend a good time of their life constantly figuring out and forming the themes of the planet(s) in this house. While they do that, they are usually very lowkey in expressing said planet. 12th house planets generally can lack assertiveness in their self expression too, adding to others projecting onto them and modeling their character to their wishes.

That's why you hear people say 12th house Sun natives are often perceived as trying to hold back and unassuming (or compensating by being overly ego focused). That's why you hear people say 12th house mercury natives only speak up when they really have something important to say, something of the heart.

Meanwhile the people engaging with the 12th house native will read into their lowkey behavior and project their ideal onto them. And at worst, the 12th house person will play into it and be shaped by the expectations of others. Why? Self exploration. Even if it's out of character behaviour for them, they understand that the themes of the planet in the 12th house is without boundaries, there is more to it than other people usually see, so they dive right into it: to experience the themes of the planets in the 12th house is to find and explore the (hidden) self, and that comes with every single possible outcome, good and bad.

I'm not trying to victimize and belittle 12th house natives at all (using whole signs I have 12th house placements as well), but that's why people say the 12th house individual can fall victim to those with ill intentions. And I always believed wholeheartedly Jaehyun is a good example of becoming a victim of fame when we look at the way a lot of fans see him and treat him. All of the members have to act accordingly to the company’s wishes and perform a role as a public figure, they have to play into fantasies, but the character that was oh so neatly constructed by the company (and the fans) for Jaehyun seems to be causing him to retreat more and more into the 12th house shell.

And with that I don't think he is fake. I don't think he fakes a lot at all tbf, his unassuming and laid back nature caused by the 12th house is just too perfect for people to continue projecting onto and reading into him. It all works too well, but it's also a vicious circle. And yes, his Pisces Ascendant adds right into it by subconsciously mirroring and becoming exactly what people want him to be.

Also, Aquarius sitting in the 12th house is an interesting mixture too, since Aquarius is a sign that actually stands for detachement and observing groups. Small excourse here pls do not mind It's often wrongly portrayed as the sign that is inherently just very fond of groups and friendships (that's 11th house matters tho), but actually Aquarius is the lone scientist, the field explorer that joins and experiences a lot of groups for its studies on humanity. That's why Aquarius is the water bearer, the one who dedicated their life to study humans and human emotion. After all, Aquarius has to find the group they feel most comfortable with, since they can easily feel pretty alienated all the time, I feel like that's more so the inherent emotion this sign can carry, therefore it seeks and dreams of belonging to a group often times.

That all being said, I feel like this also adds to Jaheyun's detached behaviour. The members also say he is sometimes suddenly unavailable (doesn't answer texts/calls, doesn't appear to meet ups) and we know he is fond of his alone time, and indulging in his hobbies and the arts. Let's not forget he has a Taurus Moon, this man probably looooves leisuring, lol.

Okay, I want to shortly touch on his Saturn in Aries in the 1st. Saturn in Aries can easily cause feelings of powerlessness, since it puts a restriction on actualizing the self, and using ones power to go for what one really wants. Aries fighter nature gets toned down by Saturn, and on top of that it's in a opposition with his Libra Mars, which is already a sign that is in detriment in Mars.

I can imagine that, especially when we add the themes and topics of his 12th house stellium and Pisces Ascendant, it can cause a feeling similar to fainting when looking in the eye of the problem. It's causing defeat, and denying the self due to limited options. And I feel that people directing who he is, especially under the management of SM, can be one root of this problem. Using the whole sign house system his Saturn in Aries would be in the 2nd, and while now, especially in the year 2022 Jaheyun has had many opportunities to work for brands, I do think that this inability to assert the self led to him missing opportunities in solo activities he really wanted to do, establishing his 'own brand' and ofc making money in his prefered ways and desires caree fields. But also, looking at his solo activities now I'm glad thing seem to work out better his way, allthough I need to check out other charts of his, such as transits, solar return, etc. to get a better look inside of the current energies.

Oh, and on the last note, because you've mentioned 'he's hard on himself'. Yeah, I think when he's not avoiding and detached, fleeing from his feelings and the reality of a situation (typical 12th house and Pisces Ascendant thing to do), he is probably very hard on himself. Saturn has a tight grip on his chart, but how he deals with that depends heavily if he is able to take responsibility, even if it's things that weren't necessarily caused directly by him.

Saturn forces us to take responsibility, the Pisces, 12th house, Neptune (and also Jupiter tbh) influence want him to remain in a dream as long as he can, till the pain is too big to ignore any longer. He might be constantly battling between feeling hopeful and powerless.

He might be in a weird limbo state of being half awake, half aslepp, half conscious, half unconscious.

Whatever it might be, this Neptunian chart will make sure that we will never truly know.

#finally writing all of this off my chest felt cathartic ngl #looooool that was so long you'll never catch me talking about jaehyun that much and especially so in depth but here we are #nct #nct 127 #jaehyun #nct jaehyun #nct astrology #kpop astrology #kpop astro #nct headcanons #nct personality reading #jeong jaehyun

[peterparkerstarker]

Better Soon

ngl, this is me working through all my feelings about my own recent breakup, i’m pretty dang proud of this as fic in general, and it was really cathartic to write out

cw/tw: Starker, Peter is in college, post breakup feels/angst

The hardest thing about the breakup, Peter realized, were the things that caught him off guard.

He’d go hours, days even, without thinking too hard about it, and then something would smack him in the face with memories and he’d feel that wound, fresh and stinging all over again.

He’d done all the right things at first, had unfollowed but not unfriended Tony on social media, blocked his web browser from showing any articles that mentioned him, tried his best to create some space for himself to not be bombarded by Tony’s image and memory. 

He’d done everything he was supposed to do to heal after a break up he’d never wanted. But how the hell was he supposed to escape Tony Stark when Iron Man was everywhere? 

He’d retreated back to his apartment in Queens with Aunt May, the Avengers compound too full of memories and reminders, but he found that his room was crammed full of things that made his heart clench every time he saw them. 

Tickets to the Dodgers game that Tony and Steve had taken him to, pinned on his bulletin board next to a poster about a lecture Tony had given 3 years ago at MIT, before any of this had started. An old tie that they'd left haphazardly on the floor, unfashioned too roughly from Tony's neck after the gala they’d gone to last month. And about a million other things on top of that.

He’d tried to coexist with it at first, had hoped that if he didn’t disturb the items, didn’t box them up like he knew he ought to, that it wouldn’t actually be real, that maybe they’d still get back together. He knew it was in vain, but he hoped.

They hadn’t texted since that night, hadn’t exchanged one goofy selfie, or good morning text, or a single update about how their day was. 

It felt like a whole chunk of his life was ripped out, his phone silent and boring. Ned and MJ and May and the other Avengers had all tried to check in on him, all tried to support him through this. But he found himself resenting their messages of well wishes and support. He wanted his phone to chime with a text from Tony. Wanted an apology for making the biggest mistake of his life. A desperate plea for forgiveness. 

But instead he had nothing from him for 5 days. 

And it ate him up inside. 

He found himself searching for Tony’s name online, wanting to find signs of the man missing him. But each time he scrolled through Twitter and Instagram, his heart broke just a little more.

There was nothing for the first couple days. That had made sense. Peter got the sense that Tony hadn’t told a lot of people about ending things. And besides, they were never able to be very public online, the potential for public backlash and scrutiny too high for them to risk in their newly budding romance. 

It had made sense at the time. But now it hurt that no one beside his closest friends really knew. 

He didn’t want to be dramatic and childish by broadcasting his heartbreak all over Facebook, but it hurt that all these acquaintances from high school and distant relatives thought he was fine, that everything was smooth sailing as usual. It hurt that none of them really knew. 

And then, after a few days of obsessively checking and breathing a sigh of relief that there were no new posts, he started seeing signs of activity. Likes on their mutual friends posts, comments here or there, Tony posting a meme onto his story and a selfie on Snapchat. 

The world kept turning, and Tony was moving on. 

But Peter’s heart broke all over with each self-sabotaging click on Tony’s name.

Peter tried to keep a level head. Knew that whatever he posted would speak volumes about how well he was handling this to everyone in the know. So he posted once or twice a day, sometimes a selfie with a vague but positive caption, reblogged a funny post about Steve's hair.

He wanted to prove he was doing okay to the outside world, but especially to Tony, if he was seeing Peter's posts. He didn’t know if it actually worked, and he was too scared to ask.

He knew it wasn’t healthy, this compulsion to check on Tony’s Snap story or make sure he hadn’t unfollowed Peter on Instagram, but it was all he had. The last tangible connection to the life he’d been building with Tony. And as much as it tore him open each time and salted the inflamed skin, he couldn’t stop. 

Deep down he didn’t think he wanted to stop, he wasn’t ready to let go.

The first message from Tony in nearly a week had been practically transactional, about exchanging their items. 

He’d cried that night, suppressed sobs that wrenched from his aching lungs and chest, trying to stay quiet enough to not wake up May and worry her. 

But he’d eventually pulled himself together and dutifully packed up Tony’s items, the five months of their relationship together fitting neatly into one medium sized box. It felt kind of nice, actually, to fold up each sweater or undershirt and say goodbye to yet another piece of Tony. 

But it also felt so pathetic, how little space Tony's things took up in his tiny bedroom when he put them all together. He said goodbye silently to them, and kept it together the rest of the afternoon, smiling and chatting with May, pretending that he wasn’t bleeding inside from the pain of it all. 

And then he’d broken down on his way to the subway; a poster of Tony on a gigantic billboard that caught him off guard, made him feel like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop feeling the knife digging in deeper and deeper. It was mortifying, and no one on the crowded sidewalk gave him a second glance, let alone stopped to ask him if he was okay, they were all too busy with their own thoughts. No one cared that his life was burning down around him.

Eventually he pulled himself together once more, got on the subway, and rode it to the stop he knew so well. He felt numb, but that was better than feeling everything, numb was better than the gut wrenching loss he’d been living with for 6 days now. 

At least he hoped it was.

God, he really hoped it was.

And then he finally saw Tony, coming down into the lobby of his building. It was the first time he’d seen the man since that night, when he’d sat with Peter on his tiny bed in Queens and told him he didn’t see a future with him and that he wanted to cut things off before it went any further. 

Peter knew Tony had tried to do the right thing, tried to respect Peter enough to not lead him on any more than he already had. But it didn’t stop it from hurting. Didn’t stop Peter from feeling numb when he laid eyes on Tony now.

He’d awkwardly handed off the box to him, and Tony invited him up to the penthouse to collect his boxes. Of course he had more stuff to lug back home than he’d brought. He’d spent practically all his time at the tower, Tony's bed was nicer, and it was close to his university. 

It had made sense at the time.

They stopped in the hallway, Tony asked him about some mundane television show that was suddenly popular and for a very brief moment, it felt like old times, like they were just Tony and Peter, catching up after a long day and about to go grab dinner. 

It felt nice... comfortable even, and he found his hope rising like the traitor it was, but it was over all too soon, and  suddenly Tony was helping him carry the second box down stairs and out to a car he’d called for Peter. Peter cracked a bad joke that rang too true for the pain he was feeling and he winced, embarrassed and angry at himself for not playing it cool. They awkwardly wished each other a good night and that was it, the culmination of 5 months of his life with Tony. 

He cried on the way home, tears slipping fat and wet from his face as he called Ned and began to sob.

And now it was weeks later, Peter still didn’t quite know how to function with this Tony shaped hole in his life. He still felt the whiplash of seeing something that reminded him of a good memory together, still felt the compulsion to look him up online, but he tried his best to resist. 

Most days it didn’t work, but it was getting incrementally easier to handle the wave of panic that hit each time he saw something that proved Tony was moving on, was leaving him and the love he thought they’d shared behind. 

He missed being touched. 

Sometimes he wanted to be fucked senseless, to not feel any of the feelings he couldn’t shove down. 

Sometimes he just wanted to be held and caressed and loved in the way only a boyfriend could. 

Most of the time he just missed not feeling alone. Nights were the hardest, too quiet and hardly anyone awake to chat with and keep his mind occupied. Nights had been their time, and it still hurt most then,

He didn’t know when he’d be okay, be at peace with it. But he was still trying, still trying to be kind to himself and to the people who loved him. He was still trying to be better everyday. He hoped it would get better soon, he really missed the bubblegum feeling of being happy and in love. 

He hoped he would get better soon, he deserved to be happy, he kept reminding himself.

Peter was so grateful for the people in his life who listened and encouraged him, so glad to be feeling a little better each day, but it was the little things that caught him off guard and made him feel sad and alone all over again. It would get better soon, he told himself.

He truly hoped it would get better soon.

#starker #breakup #angst #my fic #my writing