#gem u have a ton of drafts

[safe-from-sharp-teeth]

Ayo! I haven't answered asks in FOREVER, so it's time for some spring cleaning :) Also answering other stuff, like what I've been up to.

If you sent an ask and it's not here, sorry! I may have deleted it because the prompt required too much work of me and I wasn't feeling it, or I was uncomfortable.

Let's gooooo !

Firstly - where have I been? Work REALLY picked up in a way I wasn't expecting over the last...4 months? I was working double and often triple the hours I was used to. With work, vacations, random illnesses, and many video games I got a bit too obsessed with, this blog took a backseat. Plus, sometimes I get disinterested in vore when obsessed with something else. Sometimes, that lasts months, and it did this time.

But now I can confirm that work will FINALLY chill for a long period of time. I'm free! And more motivated than ever! Wahoo! Thanks for your support ALWAYS.

Next big question - when am I going to do more of my story? The one with Asyr? AHHHHHGHHGHH this story has consumed my life. I think about it daily. I dream about it. And yet I'm not as comfortable writing as I am drawing, so writing is a slow process that my perfectionist ass struggles with. I can assure you that there is a story in the works - and I am working on it at a snail's pace.

Okay, ask time...

@ponyluvesonic09 AYO maybe I'll make a full ghost pred pros/con list for you, because that sounds awesome! Kir//by is one of the silliest canon preds out there. Honestly getting eaten by him would be like getting vored by a vacuum, LOL. Galaxy tummy!! Imagine a prey floating around in one of those item bubbles all grumpy. Thank u for the ask, this is good stuff.

no. ( /・・)ノ

UWAGHHHHH I LIKE HER!!! Never played O/verwat/ch but what a gem!! I have a random fondness for centaur-like preds nowadays. She looks so cozy. THANK U I LOVE HER!!!

@tiger9o0 I have not played r//ain w//orld or know what it's about, LOL. Looks like a platformer? Man, I'm terrrriiiiibblleee at those. But whoever this is on the cover, I LIKE EM. A+. (That might not answer ur question shdjbghkjg SORRY)

@heimkoheimkofan LOVE THAT I GOT THE ROBOT ENJOYERS AFTER THAT ONE POST....YES yall are so right and I'm so wrong for just hard metal robot tums. I will rectify my mistake soon I PROMISE. Also oh! You were the one asking about stomachs other than elemental ones! IVE HAD THAT IN MY DRAFTS FOREVER IM SORRY AHHHH. I REALLY love your imagination with tums and you've inspired me to think of some awesome environments! THANKS

@fastfur07 BWAH?? Ugh I'm all over the place when it comes to art. Some pieces take 30 min (like the zangooc I drew at the top of this post), most take 2 days. Some really hard drawings like my wolf bat creechur from a few months ago and my shrimp from last year took a month. THANK U??

We're going back so far that I think this is about my naga oc (which I'm in the midst of redesigning cough cough). For him, he would never tolerate being prey, extremely unwilling bahaha. In general, I haven't thought much about naga or snake prey! I get the appeal of slurping up a noodle, but I just prefer human prey :)

@fastfur07 you fiend, you always give me the best drawing ideas. UNFORTUNATELY, I didn't have time to draw something for this one. BUTTTT....

(i've had this next one in my drafts for forever)

then i had a silly comic. I'll post the wip here because I won't finish it, so enjoy bahaha.

@blizzaria123-blog THANK U im rapidly melting into a puddle from ur words

@mrpotatomanversionsix relevant. i will continue drawing them 4 u

?!??!!??!?!??!?!?!??!?!? how dare u enter my ask box with this blasphemy

@sfwsillynoms WAH!!! you!!! I'm currently redesigning my naga oc but when I finish I'll tag you, if you're still around! And he can 100% be drawn with ur preysona :)

@mystorl i am SO late to this, but SMART. I like it. I shall give my lil guy this friend. I just want to let u know that I see this and it's wonderful and I will do something abt it.

I remember this ask made me laugh a ton when I first got it. thank u. idk why I find this so funny

@sillylilprey IM CRYING RIGHT BACK AHHHH this is an ancient ask, but thank u! hope you're still enjoying!

@terrytheinsane finally, the last ask in my askbox. I love it. You have been wronged with how long it took me to answer you. I have gained knowledge from your ask. THANKS

AND THAT'S IT!! Thanks guys, I hope to make you proud! Feel free to send more asks, and hopefully I will answer in a TIMELY manner.

Goodnight! And remember: Nice Vore ᕕ༼⌐■-■༽ᕗ

#zan asks #phew that was an essay #tldr im a lot more free now aaaanddd I shall answer asks in a more timely manner from now on #and i say thank u a lot #i appreciate and read EVERY ask #zan art #zangooc

[iholli]

I would absolutely love to hear about your faves 👀 Tell me everything you know 👀👀👀👀

AAAAAAVUYCDTIGCTUGCH YOU'RE A GEM THANK U FOR THIS 😭😭😭💚

this is super long bc I'm Completely Normal abt J'onn lmao whoops 😂

omfg where do I start. FIRST THINGS FIRST. HE. MY BELOVED. J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter, my favorite favorite of all time. no really it's coming up on 8 years and I still love him sm 😭 my one braincell may wander off to new fixations but I always circle back around to him sooner or later.

I have like 4747058 images of him ofc but these are SO good bc they tell a lot about him ??? he's cute, he's silly, he's dramatic, he's sassy, he's the heart of the Justice League twenty times over despite DC refusing to give him any time to shine (I'm going to fight them with my bare hands for that).

I've never posted this but it's been in my drafts for ever so I'll throw it in here 😂 I have so many thoughts about him omg

ALSO I have a whole thing analyzing J'onn's moral compass & development through Justice League Animated, Unlimited, and some of the comics a while back so there's tHAT WHICH,,, was super good imo 👏

uuuuughghghghh I could talk about him forever 😭💚

When it comes to people Superman wouldn't want to fight, J'onn is top of that list, that's canon. He's OP as FUCK. He has most if not all Clark's powers, shapeshifting, intangibility, invisibility, phasing, telepathy, seriously his powers seem to never end ??? But he's terribly underutilized :") like I get it but come on DC,,,

J'onn is addicted to Oreos. no, really. in MM 98 issue 24 Blue Beetle and Booster Gold have this Super Funny Idea to hide all the Oreos from J'onn, and you gotta applaud the dedication to the prank bc they literally went out and bought ALL the Oreos from the ENTIRE vicinity of the JL Embassy building. J'onn proceeds to Hulk out and tear up half the city chasing them for it. It's revealed by Batman that Martians can get addicted to Oreos. At the end of the issue it turns out this is just a story J'onn is telling Diana but... he winks and asks if she's got any cookies, so it's up for debate if it's really just a story [I think there's some truth to it. bc it's very funny.]. And the Oreo thing comes up many times in many places including JLTAS 😂

He also likes sweet things in general !! he canonically drinks coffee with a TON of sugary shit to take off the bitter taste. I also made the hc that was the case for him just days before reading it in MM Identity and I'm very real for that 👏

J'onn is a cat person. One of his aliases is even an Italian street cat named Tommaso. And he has an orange cat named Double Stuff,,, of course 😂

however,,, he's totally a dragon nerd, he knows everything about dragons, he likes reptiles in general but dragons are his fav. He shapeshifts into draconic creatures all the time and he talks many times abt a specific species of moon nesting dragon called quonars. He also telepathically connected with an iguana once and it was a wholesome experience 🥺

J'onn lives in Colorado, in a suburb named Middleton, which is actually the name of a real ghost town! it's interesting that Denver is his preferred climate bc you can assume Mars was similar 👀

He is THE sass master. He goes toe to toe with Batman constantly. One of these days I'll just make a list of every sassy line he delivers in JLTAS but I think that would be a whole book by itself. There's a video of sassy moments from Batman: The Brave and the Bold that I watch 400 times a week. One of my favorite comic sass moments is when Batman expresses his annoyance at J'onn for leaving on the middle of an important meeting, which J'onn happily counters with a "you're so right, it would look bad on the League if someone just vanished at random all the time, huh Batman :)." he then also takes a crack at Bruce's lack of people skills. iconic.

He's also a silly little guy. The Batman 2007? J'onn OWNS the noir detective role, down to the cheesy old fashioned music. He also has like, a whole list of quotes he's just waiting to use when the time is right. He waited years to say "You're probably wondering why I've called you all here today." love him fr

J'onn is canonically kind of an adrenaline junkie. He loves driving, particularly an 87 Chevy Impala which he affectionately says "vibrates like a Chihuahua with a head cold." He once physically linked with an entire damaged spaceship to steer it out of danger and got carried away bc he was just having fun. He also said it was similar to the video games he plays with GL-- so he's canonically a gamer, too 😂👏

I 100% believe he's got anxiety or at LEAST separation anxiety [and that may be the case for the entire Martian race]. I already thought as much but then JLU issue 24 kinda confirmed it and it was devastating :") the League is taken over by Starro, J'onn is the only one who dodges the attack and he's left to fight his teammates which. is already awful for him. and it triggers flashbacks to a time on Mars when he was separated from his family in a nasty sandstorm. J'onn went pretty much feral with panic until he broke down and then forced himself to calm down enough to think of a plan. Meanwhile back with the League he's frantically trying not to panic again bc, while fire is a Martian's greatest weakness, "being alone is a Martian's greatest fear." I cried the whole time I read that issue and then I bought a copy LMAO. can DC stop putting him through the PTSD wringer for five seconds thanks

One short comic run J'onn spends the whole time being chased by the Martian god of fire, H'ronmeer, bc it turns out he was psychically keeping the souls of the entire Martian population tethered to the mortal realm. he's super powerful and HE'S GOING THROUGH IT. ALL THE TIME.

I don't have the context for either happenstance at this time, but J'onn has been both a Black and a White Lantern in comics. I have no idea what any of it means, either, I just know it's happened. I'll get there eventually. maybe. [I think he's dead for the Black Lantern thing so...probably...not...]

^^^ this is up there with the whole "J'onn was actually an advance agent for the invading Martian species but rather than let them use him as a weapon he essentially committed suicide after fighting the whole Justice League [beat them easily, it wasn't even a competition] and somehow this split his consciousness into like 4 different people" of comic runs that I really don't want to read [even though I own this one] :") help

I don't know what it is about forcefields but his brain just shuts off when he gets near one fr. Multiple times when there's a forcefield, EVEN IF HE KNOWS IT'S THERE, J'onn just yeets headfirst into it. He's just generally super impulsive tho ??? This guy is constantly jumping into action without a moment's thought. pls stop handing off the braincell to absolutely no one when there's danger, J'onn [he does not actually have the braincell at any given time. only Bruce has it. occasionally].

He totally enjoys starting shit. J'onn is Here for teammate drama. He once gave Batman absolutely what for and called him immature just bc J'onn was annoyed with his attitude. He sends people on League missions that will either bring out complete drama or make them find common ground. Though he says the contrary, J'onn is absolutely in the background of every team squabble with popcorn like Thor watching Tony and Cap argue. "You're all so petty. And tiny."

J'onn's name means "light to the light" and it's so poetic 😭😭 of COURSE he's the heart of the League. akdjfndckdnxkd

I'm going to stop there bc I could go on forever but I've held this ask hostage in my drafts long enough 😂😂 ENJOY THE RAMBLING THANK U FOR SENDING THIS ASK AAAA 💙

#possum screms at this #sorry it takes me 5-10 business days to answer asks i get too excited #enrinchment but i am a dog with an egg. bark and bounce around it with delight instead of interacting Normally #ratkingresponds #j'onn my beloved #here tumblr have a bunch of infodumping abt my beloved #martian manhunter #j'onn j'onzz #dc #long post #i know ive dropped a lot of this info on tumblr before but now its all in One Condensed Post #I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT HIM. brainrot real #some other favs include loki death the kid shadow the hedgehog donnie rottmnt luigi bowser & king boo #but J'onn is like. my Main Guy yk 😭😭 #THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK I CANNOT SAY IT ENOUGH 😭😭 #nothing brings me seratonin like talking about he fr fr

[illripyourthroat-a-blog]

@damnleader :)

                  it takes a moment too long to realize the electricity is no longer digging underneath her skin. to realize that she no longer is in the tub but they dumped her on the ground of her cell. maybe its been over an hour even. she doesn’t know. it doesn’t matter. johanna’s body still shakes -–– from shock ? from the cold ? it doesn’t fucking matter either. she thinks she’s gonna be sick, but wills herself not to puke. there isn’t enough in her system to let go of any of it. she curls up close to herself, eyes closed and not even trying to look for the others like she sometimes does coming back from their attempts at interrogation. they stopped asking her nicely for information a long long time ago. ( before the first day was over even. when if she gets out of here, she’ll be proud of that. ) she wonders when they take the others, what they give. she wonders if any of the others shake inside their skeletons the way that she does.

                  eyes fluttering from exhaustion and pain and who fucking knows, a rumble comes through and she feels it and hears it. she tells herself the capitol is partying and wonders which of her friends are dead. ( don’t think the name, don’t think of -–– ) she tells herself the capitol is under attack and being bombed. if in the end of it all, she has to be buried underneath this cesspool -–– let it be. so long as so many of them fucking suffer and take weeks to fucking die.

                  yelling. it sounds underwater and johanna has to keep a palm flat upon the floor to remind herself she isn’t still in the tubs. a deep breath and she tries to focus on these inner sounds, not able to comprehend what is going on outside. not having the energy to even turn and try and look through her door. but the door to her cell slams open, and johanna feels her skin crawl at the idea of them taking her again so soon. her words -––– voice barely used here beyond a ripping scream ––- are mumbled, both coarse and guttural.

                  ❛     too soon. still drying off from last                   interrogation.      ❜

#damnleader #gem u have a ton of drafts #yes i do but also. someone will write rescue threads with me #aka the reason my ass lives on this blog lbfr #LETS GO 2 HELL XO #❛ IN CHARACTER. ┊ PLEASE FEEL FREE TO TAKE THIS PERSONALLY. #canon. #❛ V.II ┊ THE LIVING SORT IS WRIT IN BLOOD.

[nitroish]

So if the Links didn’t just wear little hoop earrings, what earrings would they wear?

here we fuckin go babey!!!

legend has fourteen earrings (7 in each ear) and swaps em out often. i draw em w some of them often. (wild gifts him heat res and shock res ones and he goes :OOOO GASP because why didnt HE think of magical protective earrings and he fuckin wears the shock one all the time. its one of the cuff earrings that is on the top shell of his ear. uhh basically the ones i draw him with. are the ones in this answer. <3 KJFGHFD

warriors has dangly earrings that he doesnt wear alot cos they get caught in his scarf and arent really suited for battle. he wears them on a nice night out tho!! i think theyd be pretty? like uhh. triforce earrings, some simple gem looking ones, some simple small chain earrings that hang down, just. anything he finds hed like. he also wears studs but those are BORING. theyre good for subtle but god. god, hes not fucking subtle. he probably found and has the most obnoxious stud earrings. ALSO ear cuffs that wrap around his ears if u know what im talkin bout. decorative and sleek and very fancy.

hyrule has mini jar n bottle earrings w things inside them!! little pieces of plants or dirt or water or even stuff that kinda looks like potions tht are different colours. i think they would be cute. he deserves it. he also has studs but they r subtle and just small gems. he prolly didnt have a ton but when you visit other hyrules and have some downtime maybe. maybe he wants to window shop. and maybe he gives in to those urges to buy. because he Can. also can u imagine him w a sword earring stickin thru his ear. amazing.

i meant to continue this but its been in my drafts for so long that i forgot about it, so im gonna leave it as is, kinda! the rest are gonna be lightning round answers

time: normal earrings. studs, maybe some cuffs? just the default ones that link wears. hed have a collection of cute earrings - cuccos, cows, mini glass jars. theyre all stud earrings with the shapes. he doesnt wear them but theyre cute, arent they??

wind: swords. as. earrings. theyre pirate lookin ones. maybe some studs, maybe some actual wide hoop earrings. hed look nice in gold i think. hed have such a cool arry of earrings. from treasure they found to gifts from people for his and the crews help.

wild: any and all he sees. mostly ones with magical enhancements like his sapphire or whatever ones are in his lobes, and the rest are decorative. hed like the chain ones that dangle and connect earring to earring.

twilight: he has the main link piercing, and the other earrings are purely fake/decorative. he has the ear cuffs that are fuckin gorgeous instead of earrings!

four: five colours: red, blue, green, violet, and black. he likes the small hoop earring. when theyre split they have their respective earring colour. the earring wont always be in the same place - like? it could go like this: blue's is a lip piercing, red's is a helix, greens is a lobe, and violets is a tongue piercing/eyebrow piercing. who knows!!!

sky: oh his are so pretty. maybe big bright earrings are saved for holidays or celebrations for skyloft! he likes ribbon earrings or the classic link earring. he also has an orbital, i think. he doesnt have a ton of piercings, just the two in each ear. he wouldnt be opposed to more, but hes not really actually given thought abt it.

#legend and wind have daith piercings! #ask #anonymous #hc tag

[thethrillof]

Oh, we haven't done this in a while... "The Batman" coffeeshop AU?

i’ve only read like three of those ever so i might be doing this wrong or nonsensically but Fuck It

also i had a bit drafted before but i decided they weren’t right and redid ‘em and it got. really long. i should have anticipated this

bruce is still a rich fella, and has his trauma–the awful mugging and shooting happened, but martha survived (b/c fuck it, let’s allow the woman to not die for fuckin once yanno) so the kid kept within what ppl would call “reasonable” perimeters. still interested in law and stopping shit like that happening again, but he’s not half-killing himself through training.

 the coffee shop was just supposed to be kind of a. chill project i guess? giving teen brucie a bit of business sense but also not slamming him with the responsibility of a big company, as well as connecting him with people a little bit, since he def still withdrew from just about everyone outside the wayne household for a long time.

ethan’s a part-time barista. he’s still a pal of bruce’s, same teen-y age, one of his first after his withdrawing. he’s saving up extra for college, though he’s has a p good scholarship. mutual interest in law means they’re usually found working on their detective skills together after hours.

alfred works there as a manager. he does p well and serves as the face of the place to outsiders–i don’t think wayne industries was quite as big in this ‘verse so bruce got less attention, but he’s still relatively well known in gotham and it’d be better to not have reporters or random ppl who think he’s cute popping up out of the blue.

not that the latter never happens! that’s how miss pamela isley and barbara gordon popped in (they’re def closer in age here), though neither were actually into him–barb does think he’s attractive, but he’s a bit too weird for her to want to peruse at first, and after she gets to know him he’s too serious and brotherly for that to become a thing. pam just wanted to be completely sure he got his ingredients from better places than the huge chains chose and recycled.

eventually pam gets pissed off enough about one of the other companies of gotham that apparently help supply some things for the shop that she nearly scalds bruce and barbara when the former comes over to calm her down when the latter can’t manage it. just fuckin grabs a fresh brew and swings it. she’s not allowed there again for like a year, and that def strains her relationship w/ barbara. though she and bruce end up in a weird friendship because of it and she eventually gets hired to work there.

there’s a guy who shows up whenever the fuck he wants. weirdass times. the place is open p early and closes late, and sometimes he’s waiting there an hour before the sign flips in the morning, sometimes he shows up two minutes before closing time (and has been locked out a few times on purpose. why not close early? aka, fuck this guy, he doesn’t even have a predictable order they can prepare in advance just in case). the name he offers to be written on his cup is “joker”, and eventually bruce scribbles a jester on the side once and that just kinda sticks.

this joker guy has a lot of jobs, apparently? he’s spotted around the city p often. a comedian on stand-up nights, drawing a sizable crowd. paints and sculpts and talks about working on animation. apparently can sing, hangs out near the concert hall a lot b/c he can’t always pay for tickets and harasses the hell out of the opera cast. 

…also a drug dealer who makes his own hallucinogen! bruce and ethan work out the dealing bit pretty early on, but it’s hard to get the police to pay them any attention. they keep a careful eye on him whenever he comes by.

ellen yin moves from metropolis b/c she’s college age and gotham u is actually pretty good. she studies there and ends up being sort of impressed how hard ethan and bruce work on their own studies even though they’re not even out of high school. a strange study group results, and she straight-up gets her own keys to the shop eventually from alfred so the boys don’t need to let her in every single time.

selina kyle’s a regular. everyone’s a little wary due to poison pamela’s meltdown once she starts talking about protecting the environment, but she’s a lot more chill and works with the shop to make it more eco-friendly. she also sometimes shows up with a cat on a gem-studded harness (they’re. probably fake jewels. they gotta be fake jewels who would even do that) and orders some lactose-free milk and lets the kitty sit next to her at the table, and they just sort of let her. why not.

ozzie cobblepot works at a rival café. he’s not quite at the top and the place is failing anyway. when he stops by the coffee shop he tends to ask for the manager every. single. time he’s in there and wastes tons of alfred’s time ranting about non-issues and pretending he’s important b/c he wears a suit.

he definitely just steals shit. just walks by and picks up other customers’ drinks or reaches into purses and backpacks if they’re not paying attention. has been caught a ton of times but again, the gotham police force is garbage and never really bothers trying to go after him in the first place.

in general, everyone has to deal with shit themselves. Police Are Useless.

–except for jim gordon, but he’s only one man and he has a lot on his plate. just a cop, not a commissioner. barbara is incredibly proud of him anyway and will defend him to the point of blows.

in fact, barbara becomes security once she’s older enough. while it’s not being a cop, it’s not super safe. so she never tells her dad about her change of role. she does still help making coffee, so she can say she’s a barista.

dick grayson and fam move to gotham late after the first year. the was an “accident” and now his father doesn’t have the use of his legs. lil robin just started stopping by first b/c they had cheap patries both of his parents enjoyed–life is stressful, they take all the small joys they can manage–and ends up hanging out a lot more, with or without his parents, once he bonds with bruce about trauma at a young age.

it’s a coffee shop, and yin isn’t the only uni student that falls into the place. edward nygma is one of the ones who shows up near closing time and order a pair of the most caffeinated drinks they’ve got, sometimes extending the closing time with his stupid riddles, but it’s better-received than when joker does it. he’s genuinely fun to match wits with and/or watch him and bruce get into flinging riddles back and forth at each other, though whenever bruce wins he gets pissy and sulks off for a while, only to return and pretend it never happened a week later.

eventually he just kind of disappears for a long time, and nobody thinks a ton of it until yin discovers he was kicked out and an incident with the uni prez had to do with him, and the Detective Study Group go to check it out b/c the details the university students got were pretty vague; when they track him down he was in the process of trying to shove chuck gorman off a pier and when he’s nearly stopped by the group edward just. tackles gorman into the ocean and they nearly both drown. luckily all of the study group are great swimmers and manage to rescue them both. (yes, mouth-to-mouth on edward happens. no, there’s nothing sexy about it. that shit is actually really gross u know, in general, and everyone is kind of shaken from seeing one of the more common customers trying to commit a murder-suicide!)

the ambulances are better at getting places than the cop cars so neither of them die. edward ends up in the psych ward for a while and is incredibly surprised when he gets visited by the study group…and they kind of wreck the already-fragile arrogant revenge-centric persona he’d been building up with their further investigating and the Reveal. but that they actually bothered to figure out what happened and not leaving him entirely alone has an impact.

uh. i am v tired and also went four times over the limit there so! i’m going to stop there! 

#tb headcanon #mirrorfalls #au #uh #... #suicide tw #tb au

[otomates-a]

OH MY GOD UNICORN HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! listen, listen, we’ve been mutuals for ages but I’m so happy that we finally started talking becuase??? such a gem, really. I love seeing you on my dash and, honestly, you’re an amazing angel that deserves tons of smiles, warmth and hugs /always/. I hope that your birthday will go fantastic because you deserve only the best things happening to you! Happy birthday, Unicorn, you presh magical miracle that blessed us all with such positivity and smiles!

AH YES RENATA HERE TO TAKE HER TURN MAKING ME CRY KJNHMKJHNM. listen x 3 !!! SAME…. i’ve seen u on my dash for hecking YEARS now on different blogs, now finally we meet each other at the otome crossroads…. kami-sama has blessed me KJNMHKJHNM u always brighten up my dash AND MY DRAFTS BOX and i absolutely love seeing all ur threads and headcanons and things that make me SOB on the dash (cardia is a gift to this universe 2k19!!)

AAAAAAAAAA THIS IS SO SWEET BLESS U …. u are also an angel as evidenced by the gucci tears in my unicorny heart (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) i’m rlly reaching w the embarrassing corny puns today it’s a specialty KJNHMKJNM thank yoooou!! ❤❤❤ i hope u have a good day in general, u deserve happiness & sunshine

#horclogium #* . °◞ ❤ ooc. #* . °◞ ❤ happy tag. #unibirfday 2k19 --

[topicprinter]

I've just seen yet another post about "my outsourced development is possibly screwing me, what can I do", so I thought I'd write down some guidelines about how not to get screwed. I've worked as a developer and CTO in the tech industry for a decade, have used plenty of outsourced developers (both local and offshore) as well as built engineering teams. So here's my advice to not getting screwed.The ContractYou must have a written contract with your developers. No oral agreements, no phone calls, no chats. A proper written contract. You should supply this contract, so that it meets your needs (since you're paying for the service here), rather than using a contract supplied by your outsourced developer, which will suit their needs. Get a lawyer to draft something up, find something on the internet, or even write something yourself - yes, there are traps there, but contracts are only documents which agree something, so even a self-written contract will put you in a far better position than none at all.The contract must specify that ownership in all intellectual property produced immediately transfers to you, or transfers on payment.The contract must allow you to terminate the agreement without any preconditions, and with minimal notice (say, 7 days at most. Try for immediate termination). Never agree to a contract with minimum fees or long termination periods.CodeDo not allow your developer(s) to host the code themselves. Sign up for a GitHub account, and demand that developers use that as their code repository, with regular commits. It's your code, that you're paying for, so you need to have ownership and control of it. If any developer won't agree to this, do not use them. If they're not pushing code at least every 1-2 days, start asking questions.Get a trusted technical friend to look over the work the outsourced dev is doing. Do this in the first few days, and again in the first few weeks. You friend should be able to tell you if the code is being produced to decent levels of quality, or if its absolute rubbish.Break up work into chunks of at most 1-2 days, especially at first. Don't allow your developers to go away for a week, or a month to produce something, and deliver a ton of code at the end of that period. You should be seeing new code almost every day - if this is a problem for your developers, this is a red flag, and you should ask questions.Make sure your developer is using a common language and framework, so that you're not left with something that's difficult to recruit other developers for. For web apps, this means Ruby on Rails, Python + Django, Node.JS or PHP + Laravel. Maybe C# + ASP.NET if you're doing very businessy stuff. For iPhone apps, Swift. For Android, Kotlin or Java. If you're not confident to make this decision yourself, talk to your technical friend, because it's an important one.HostingDon't use the same development company as hosting company. This basically hands control of your business to a third party, and you will be screwed if things go sour. If you're doing a web application, sign up for a Heroku account, and get your developers to deploy to that. Or a Digital Ocean or AWS account, though that's more complicated. If you're doing an iPhone or Android app, then make sure you own the Apple Developer account (or Google equivalent), and you control the app store submission process. At the very worst, find a second contractor to set up your hosting, so there's at least a division of control.Hosting for a web-app should be quite cheap. A basic production web-app setup on Heroku will start at around $200-$300 per month. If you're really desperate for cash, it can be made cheaper, and it will also get more expensive as you grow, but worry about that later. If you're being asked for thousands of dollars a month in "hosting", you're being ripped off - and there are outsourcing companies who do this, because it's easy money from the gullible.Make sure you own and control your domain names. If someone has control of your domains, they control almost everything you do with your business. So buy them yourself, and only give control out for DNS changes etc when you have to - either use something like Cloudflare, which permits sub-accounts to have access, or change your password immediately after your developer has gone in and changed any settings with your account. (Thanks to /u/flt001 for this point, which I had forgotten!)Working with outsourced developersDo a video call with them every day. Yes, every day, even if just for a few minutes. That way you get daily updates, hear about any problems quickly, and can start to build a good relationship. If you're working with a team, do this with the whole team. If they won't agree to this, don't work with them. If they won't do a video call, but only audio, be very suspicious - I once had a situation where we did interviews with a developer, who seemed to be good, but when they substituted another developer to actually do the work, but we only found out after a week because he claimed he couldn't do video calls.If they don't show good progress quickly, get rid of them. Don't accept excuses, you should be seeing code written very quickly. If they take a week to "set up a development environment", get rid of them. If they've only delivered 100 lines of code after a week, get rid of them. If you suspect you're being lied to, get rid of them. Talk to you technical friend here. If they're writing code instead of using a commonly available library, get rid of them (I once had a contractor write a half-assed S3 connector for a Rails project, instead of using a well-tested gem like Paperclip, and try to bill me for the time. That is so unacceptable it defies belief.)Remember to stay in control of the process. You're paying the money, so you control what's going on. You control what's being worked on, and the scope and timelines. These things are related, but do not allow a one-month contract to be turned into a six-month one by the developers - some are very skilled at this sort of thing. Expect to see a continuous stream of deliverables, and if you're not, or the quality isn't up to your expectations, start asking questions. Don't doubt your judgement - if you feel you're being fed bullshit, find a technical friend, or even another outsourced developer to ask questions of, review code, or just to talk to.Finally, don't be afraid to fire your developers. Unless you're doing start-of-the-art stuff like self-driving cars or AI, then developers are pretty replaceable. And if your current developers are not working out, fire them, and find other ones. This is true for individual developers, and for outsourced teams. They need to produce at an adequate speed and quality, and if they don't, get rid of them. If they're not producing work from the first few days, get rid of them. You'll be far better off in the long run. Trust your intuition here.

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