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Operational Log from the Government Institute for Ghost Supervision (G.I.G.S.):
AGENTS: “ImpulseSV”, “Skizzleman”, “Grian”, “GoodTimesWithScar”
SUPERVISOR: [Redacted]
[Impulse has submitted a request for ‘$2000’ for reason ‘Van’]
SUPERVISOR: Hi boys. Pleasure to be working with you. Can you give a better reason than ‘van’ for why you need two fucking thousand American dollars?
IMPULSE: Oh, sorry sir. We just need to replace some things in the van.
GRIAN: By which he means everything in the van.
SUPERVISOR: You lost ALL YOUR EQUIPMENT?
IMPULSE: You’re new, aren’t you, sir. Have you…met Scar?
SUPERVISOR: I have your personnel files. What does this have to do with Scar?
GRIAN: Oh, you’ll find out.
IMPULSE: Our last supervisor just sort of, uh, approved things. I’ve got receipts.
SKIZZ: We’re at the school, guys! Stop chatting and get in there!
IMPULSE: Gotta go!
[crackle]
GRIAN: Okay, so Scar, Impulse and Skizz are in the building. So far we’ve got the power turned on but no clues. There’s a spooky sort of bonfire in the main hall. Got skulls on it.
SCAR: I lit the bonfire!
GRIAN: Breaking news, Scar has lit the bonfire.
SUPERVISOR: Why did you light the bonfire!? You could draw the attention of a ghost!
GRIAN: Yeah, Skizz, why did you let Scar set something on fire? Pretty irresponsible.
SKIZZ: [noise of incoherent outrage] You try stopping him, buddy.
GRIAN: Can’t, I’m in the van. [further noise of outrage from Skizz]. Impulse is reporting EMF Level 5—didn’t anyone set up cameras? What kind of team doesn’t set up cameras? We’ve got a new supervisor to impress.
SUPERVISOR: Cameras should not be set up during a mission! You should have set them up in the daytime!
IMPULSE: We could use some cameras.
SKIZZ: GRIAN, YOU GET IN HERE, BUDDY.
GRIAN: Okay, okay, fine! I’ll get the cameras.
SUPERVISOR: Why are you risking the whole team in the building at the same—
[Scar has submitted request for ‘$5’ for reason ‘glowsticks’]
SUPERVISOR: Why on god’s green earth do you need glowsticks!?
SKIZZ: Scar, those don’t do anything.
SCAR: They keeps you safe from ghosts!
SKIZZ: What, because they’re too cool for raves?
SCAR: I want glowsticks or I’m resigning.
SUPERVISOR: You can’t resign in the middle of mission!
IMPULSE: Haunt! Everyone quiet!
SUPERVISOR: Wait, a real haunt? That’s highly dangerous! Get out!
[crackle]
IMPULSE: False alarm, that noise was Skizz and Scar frying hot dogs.
[Scar has submitted request for ‘$1’ for reason ‘needs salt’]
SUPERVISOR: Not approved! You’re not supposed to fry hotdogs on an eldritch bonfire!
SKIZZ: We were hungry!
GRIAN: Wait, you guys have hotdogs in there? I’m coming in.
IMPULSE: Oh, wait—wait—yep, there’s the haunt.
[crackle]
GRIAN: Well, Scar’s dead.
SUPERVISOR: Oh god! What!
IMPULSE: I was wondering why they didn’t get attacked. Just a slow ghost, I guess.
SUPERVISOR: An agent is dead and you’re joking!?
GRIAN: Oh, he’ll be fine.
SKIZZ: I got some tarot cards here.
SUPERVISOR: Don’t touch the cursed items! Find your colleague’s body!
[crackle]
SCAR: I hate all of you. You left me to die.
SUPERVISOR: What? Just a goddamn minute. That was a joke? Agent Scar is alive?
IMPULSE: Scar, buddy, cheer up.
SCAR: Grian shut a door in my face!
SUPERVISOR: One agent impeded another’s investigation?
SCAR: Yeah! I was impuded!
GRIAN: What! How is this my fault! A ghost was coming at me and I shut a door!
SCAR: And killed me!
GRIAN: That sounds like a you problem.
SCAR: Sir, I want to file a complaint. About Grian.
SUPERVISOR: Well, put in a placeholder and we’ll—
[Scar has submitted file ‘grain Complaint’]
[Grian has submitted file ‘Grian’s Official Resignation Letter’]
SUPERVISOR: Boys, this sounds like it’s gotten heated, let’s take it offline. Agent Scar, we’ll look into this later. Agent Grian, put your resignation on hold.
IMPULSE: They do this a lot.
SKIZZ: It’s affection. You love each other.
SCAR: I love Grian not murdering me.
GRIAN: I love Scar saving me some hot dogs. Oh wait, he didn’t.
SKIZZ: C’mon, fellas, where’s this ghost?
IMPULSE: We gotta use some of these cursed items.
GRIAN: I vote Scar looks in the haunted mirror. Anyone else want to volunteer? No? See, vote carried.
[Scar has submitted file ‘Im Resigning’]
[Grian has submitted file ‘I’m Resigning HARDER’]
[Scar has submitted file ‘No your not’]
[Last 3 requests have been denied]
SUPERVISOR: How on earth do you work with them?
[Grian has submitted file ‘Turbo Resignation Letter’]
IMPULSE: Oh, me and Skizz have got a knack for it, sir. You just have to let them work it out. Or shut one of them up for the ghost to get.
[Last 1 request has been denied]
SUPERVISOR: Boys, this is sounding like a really dangerous situation and I think you should get out of there. I’m calling a retreat.
SKIZZ: Gimme the mirror, I’ll try saying the ghost’s name.
SUPERVISOR: Did you hear me? Is this thing on? Saying the name is EXPLICITLY the one thing that is unsafe to do on missions!
GRIAN: Huh. Maybe we should have read the manual.
SKIZZ: Just let me do it, sir, we get results.
SUPERVISOR: Are you four always like this?
IMPULSE: Oh, no. Usually these missions go much worse.
SUPERVISOR: No! No, nobody is looking in any cursed mirrors! I have eighty successful mission supervisions under my belt—
SCAR: Sounds uncomfortable.
SUPERVISOR: Our department has a clean record of no agent deaths—
GRIAN: Oh damn, I knew I should have submitted our reports.
SUPERVISOR: And I—What reports?
IMPULSE: Don’t tell him about the reports!
SUPERVISOR: Is this data right? You haven’t sent in a report in… five YEARS?
GRIAN: One thing and another, you know.
SUPERVISOR: No! Enough! You are the WORST team I have ever worked with and every practice you have is UNSAFE and I bet one of you is looking in the cursed mirror RIGHT NOW—
[crackle]
[crackle]
GRIAN: Scar’s dead again.
SUPERVISOR: [calming breath] Okay, you lot clearly have your jokes, like last time, but I need you to know that’s not funny.
GRIAN: I can get a picture of how he ragdolled. His head’s on backwards. It’s hilarious.
[Grian has submitted photo file lol.jpg]
SUPERVISOR: … That … that is a man who has been killed by a malevolent spirit! That spirit is deadly!
SKIZZ: Funny, the ones they send us on are always deadly.
IMPULSE: Get him back to the van.
SUPERVISOR: LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! I AM CALLING AN AMBULANCE!
IMPULSE: You don’t need to do that—
GRIAN: Hey! Dots! I just saw dots!
SKIZZ: Yes! Mark off dots!
IMPULSE: Sweet, we’ve got it! It’s a White Lady! Let’s go, guys!
SUPERVISOR: Is anyone listening? Is anyone listening to me?
[crackle]
SUPERVISOR: Come in. Come in.
SUPERVISOR: I know you’re driving back. Answer your goddamn radio.
SCAR: Well, hello there.
SUPERVISOR: This is very serious. I have to report Agent Scar’s death—Agent Scar? Is that you?
SCAR: The one, the only!
SUPERVISOR: You were dead!
SCAR: Oh, yeah, but then they brought me into the van and we left.
SUPERVISOR: How—what—
SCAR: I dunno, ask Impulse! I’m usually dead by this point.
SUPERVISOR: Agent Impulse! How!
IMPULSE: Me and Skizz have been doing this a long time, sir. Guess we’ve just got a knack.
SUPERVISOR: A knack for—a knack for—I’m going to get a drink.
SCAR: Toast our great success. Hey, hey, Grian, that’s my hot dog. I died for that hot dog!
GRIAN: You weren’t looking! Finder’s keepers!
IMPULSE: Careful of the wheel, guys, careful of the wheel—
SUPERVISOR: I’m never working with your team again!
SKIZZ: Yeah? I get ya, buddy. See you next week.
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And the double trouble begins! We have 22 stunning art+fic collaborations in store, and we can't wait to share them with you!
Day 12
Title: The Malfoy Mafioso
Prompt: Mafia - Schemes - Power Couple
Author: @glossywriter
Artist: @lilhawkeye3
Rating: T
Summary:
The perfect crime wasn't the vault they’d looted, or the war they were about to end, it was what they’d stolen from one another along the way.
Secret meetings and secret feelings, a bank heist, a fake marriage, an engagement ring that screams of Malfoy wealth, dance lessons, and an exclusive pure-blood ball that she was not invited to. She’s ready to end the gang war and Lucius Malfoy’s reign. There’s only one problem - his son has a secret agenda that complicates everything.
Go give some love to our talented author and artist duo!
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I just read the Javier fic and ripping my hair out and crying. It was so good, please say there might be a part two
Hi!!! I’m glad you liked it!
And yes there may be a part two. I have an idea it’s just actually sitting down and writing it is the issue lmao
A Small Favor
read my other works @glossywrites
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THE RULES OF BUTTERCUP CAMP
Rule 1: No friendly fire in the camp.
Rule 1a: NO GRAVEL, NO SAND, NO FALLING BLOCKS
Rule 1b: SCAR THIS MEANS YOU
--- I dont know What you’re talking about
--- You know exactly what I’m talking about!
Rule 1c: Grian is not allowed to make Scar strip down to his underwear on the Perimeter edge to ‘find all the sand’; this makes us look bad in front of Doc.
--- He had it in his SHOE
--- counter-rule!! Actually this makes us look GReat in front of doc. my abs intimidate him.
--- There’s no such thing as a ‘counter rule’ and your abs don’t intimidate anyone
--- mumbo agrees with me!!
--- I. Um. I just think Scar’s abs could be good PR. I’d be impressed if I were Doc.
Rule 2: All Buttercups must remember at all times that Doc is the enemy and we are here to TAKE HIM DOWN.
Rule 3: Goateater is not allowed to eat Mumbo’s pillow.
Rule 3a: we should leave GOateater alone because she’s doing her Best
--- Scar, she’s doing her best to eat my pillow!
--- this is proving resorcefullness and initive like a good Buttercup!
Rule 4: Mumbo’s cooking tastes like a camping mat and he’s not allowed on the cooking rota
Rule 5: grian cant cook us eggs for more than 2 meals in one day
Rule 6: I have to say I agree with Rule 5.
--- Mumbo needs to LEARN HOW RULES WORK
--- and also stop being RUDE about my COOKING
Rule 7: Goateater is not allowed in Mumbo’s bed under any circumstances.
--- mumbo is biased against Goateater!!
--- Then make her sleep in your bed, Scar!
Rule 8: Grian is allowed to push Scar into the Perimeter if he does the sand thing one more time
Rule 9: Grian is allowed to push Scar into the Perimeter if he refuses to put a shirt back on and is being really obnoxious about it
Rule 10: Grian is allowed to push Scar into the Perimeter if he keeps snoring at night
--- Mate, we’re getting some expansion of powers here that I’m not entirely comfortable with.
--- yknow its not tJHAT Bad
--- Okay, so, Scar, listen, just because you’ve never minded doesn’t mean Grian should be able to do what he likes. This is setting a precedent. We need to talk about this.
Rule 11: Grian is allowed to push anyone into the Perimeter for any reason necessary
--- I told you! I TOLD you!
--- Cmon Mumbo a man’s gotta have hobbies
--- Not threats-of-immediate-violence-to-his-two-closest-friends hobbies!
--- WAnt some sand?
--- I CAN LITERALLY SEE WHAT YOU TWO WRITE HERE. SCAR I AM COMING FOR YOU.
--- Good LUck :)
Rule 12: Grian is not allowed to keep stealing Mumbo’s HotGuy poster for his own tent then denying it.
Rule 12a: Grian is encouraged to get his own poster or pay Mumbo 16 diamonds.
Rule 13: Buttercups are reminded to focus their efforts on DOC and how everything is DOC’S FAULT, not SPYING ON THEIR FRIENDS about POSTERS.
Rule 14: Goateater is not allowed in Mumbo’s entire tent.
Rule 15: Goateater is allowed whrever she likes, including in MUmbos tent.
Rule 16: Scar is not allowed to write rules that contradict previous rules.
Rule 17: Mumbo is not allowed to do that either!!
Rule 17a: If Mumbo and Scar don’t stop fighting over the rules board and GET US SOME DRINKING WATER LIKE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO then Grian gets to throw them both in the Perimeter
--- I thought everything was Doc’s fault.
--- Sometimes it’s your fault, Mumbo!
Rule 18: Look, can we have some sort of punishment here that isn’t ‘Grian pushes people in the perimeter?’ Only he’s not pushing himself in the perimeter, and last night he blew up a firework experiment in the campfire and took half my moustache off.
Rule 18a: That was obviously Doc’s fault.
--- I don’t think it’s Doc’s fault if you did it yourself! In fact, you’re the reason we’re here in the first place. There’s sand in my sleeping bag and I’ve lost half my moustache and Goateater keeps eating my shoes!
--- also I gotta pointout G you never paid me for those fireworks
--- Listen, Buttercups, the rules are very clear about who’s to blame. It’s Doc’s fault.
--- That’s pretty rich coming from you, Grian!
--- also goateater is perfect and hasn’t done anything wrong
--- Shut up, Scar, this is Grian’s fault. I’m making a new rule.
Rule 19: I think we should blame Grian for everything
Rule 20: I secnd this rule
Rule 21: Oh, yeah? Well, I think we should blame SCAR for getting me BAD FIREWORKS
Rule 21a: those were top quality scarland fireworks, Mister!
Rule 22: It was Scar who technically broke the tunnel bore so he’s the reason we’re here
Rule 23: I mean, I guess—Scar, mate, you did do that.
Rule 24: I think we should blame Scar for everything
Rule 25: now wait A MINute
Rule 26: Yes, honestly, it’s mainly Scar’s fault.
Rule 27: Its not!
Rule 28: It’s either you or Grian. I think either way we can all agree I’m the innocent victim here.
Rule 29: What – okay, fine, new plan! I think we should blame MUMBO for everything!
Rule 30: yeah!
NEW RULE: MUMBO IS BANISHED FROM THE BUTTERCUP CAMP
NEW RULE: OH I AM, AM I? WELL THEN, GRIAN IS BANISHED FROM THE BUTTERCUP CAMP!
NEW RULE: OKAY! I GUESS THIS IS MY CAMP NOW! IM MOVING JELLIE INTO YOUR TENTS AND SERVS YOU BOTH RIGHT!
Rule 34: Guys?
Rule 35: …guys?
…
…
…
board suspended :(
…
…
…
Rule 36: fine I’m back
Rule 37: strewing my bed with cherry blossom wasn’t actually necessary
Rule 38: Aw, Scar, you shouldn’t have.
--- i missed you guys
--- I missed you guys too!
--- It’s been TWENTY MINUTES
--- admit it G you missed us
--- Fine I did
--- But I think I have time for a second shot
--- GRIAN
--- joking <3
Rule 39: All previous rules are suspended.
Rule 1: It’s Doc’s fault.
Rule 2: Grian is still allowed to push people into the perimeter.
--- mumbo, wheres Goateater?
--- Special mission, mate, don’t worry about it.
WHY HAS SOMETHING **EATEN** ALL MY ***CROCS***!
YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, BUTTERCUPS!!
– G.O.A.T.
p.s. Also kindly return my hotguy poster, Grian, I know that this was you
#goodtimeswithscar#gtws#grian#mumbo jumbo#buttercup trio#buttercups#mumscarian#though you can read as /p or /r#glossywrites
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Proposing:
Grand Unified Scarian Theory
a single, overarching Scarian romance arc across the whole Hermitcraft and Life series as well as a primer for anyone curious about the early seasons.
We start with NEIGHBOR MEET CUTE in early Season 6:
Season 6 begins in a peaceful pirate bay. SCAR, an established hermit just beginning his third season, is happily making pirate caves. Into this tranquil scene comes GRIAN.
Grian, fresh-faced and new to Hermitcraft, picks a sea-themed base location right next to Scar’s pirate caves. He gets himself set up and starts his base. Even someone like Grian can get newcomer nerves, and he spends the first few weeks desperately trying to act like a normal person instead of the horrible gremlin he really is.
(Some hermits are taken in by this. Doc and Xisuma give him pity diamonds, something that—after getting to know Grian—they noticeably never do again.)
The only person exempt from Grian’s just-a-little-birthday-boy act is Mumbo, whom Grian already knows, clearly has a puppy-crush on, and pursues relentlessly.
Grian and Scar don’t interact much at first. Grian sees Scar for the first time while passing by his base. Scar instantly falls in one of his own caves and dies.
Grian panics.
Grian: I DIDN’T DO IT!
Scar, intrigued by his new neighbor, makes some overtures of interest:
1. Scar leaves a fully enchanted trident at Grian’s base as a welcome present. This is a generous gift for the cute neighbor you have a crush on and frankly the most normal thing either of them do in the entire years-long relationship.
Grian goes ‘huh!’ at the trident, never finds out who sent it, and immediately forgets the whole thing.
2. Scar entertains Grian’s traveling-salesman pitch and buys his overpriced armor boxes.
Multiple jokes about the size of Scar’s wallet. Grian clearly pleased by the transaction.
3. Scar makes Grian a complementary in-joke build (Spongebob’s house by Squidward’s house).
This delights Grian immeasurably for five minutes until he turns back to his prank war with Mumbo.
(Poor Mumbo. Clearly immensely fond of Grian but not sure he wants to be in a relationship with a lit stick of dynamite. This is very understandable.)
By this point Scar obviously kind of clocks that Grian is insane about Mumbo. This isn’t much of a leap. The entire SERVER is aware that Grian is horribly in love with Mumbo.
Ah. That’s okay. Scar backs off a bit. He recognizes when he’s not really in with a chance.
Maybe this thing he has with Grian is just going to be a friendship, and that’s okay! Having a crush is fun even if you’re not going to do anything about it. Scar is going to build some shops about it and be normal.
Both of them are going to be very normal.
FLIRTING (First Stages) – mid-Season 6
Both of them immediately forget to be normal.
Grian has started a detective agency and has no mysteries to solve. Scar instantly invents a cookie-based mystery supervillain called the Jangler and leaves Grian a series of tantalizing cookie-based puzzles for enrichment in his enclosure.
Grian has invented a game where you kill people with rockets. Scar volunteers to get murdered. Both of them are delighted.
Scar and Cub’s business empire is incidentally crushing Grian’s startup venture. There is no reason for this to be so flirtatiously charged.
At this point all the hermits move to a new village because of the Minecraft update. Grian starts a who-can-build-the-tallest-house war with Mumbo and Iskall. Scar notices and starts doing the same from the other side of the village.
It quickly gets so wild that Mumbo taps out (Mumbo does not do well with intensity, would rather just not, thankyouverymuch), and it's only Grian, Iskall and Scar.
Scar builds a wild giant plant eating his rocketship, and then a castle in the sky, and an enormous version of himself firing a canon at Grian's house. This is the first time you can really see Grian trying to hold in shrieks when he flies back in to see what Scar has done while he's gone.
Grian’s interest has been caught. He’s gone from barely seeing Scar to checking on him regularly. What’s our good friend Scar up to? What’s Scar done? What is Scar going to do next?
FLIRTING (How To Catch Your Crush’s Interest By Building A Secret Government Facility) – late Season 6
What Scar does next is put on a snazzy military uniform, team up with Doc to steal the time machine Grian invented last week, then, in the most effort someone has EVER gone to to get Grian's attention, spend weeks on end building a fully-functional 'Area 77' military base and containment facility to stop him getting it back.
Turns out this works beyond Scar’s wildest dreams.
Grian INSTANTLY obsessed with breaking into Scar’s base and retrieving his time machine.
Grian persuades Ren into forming a hippie camp with him next to the base and spends weeks entirely fixated on Scar. Meanwhile Scar, who is starting to really understand how to get and keep Grian's attention, builds more and fancier infrastructure to keep Grian out. This is also where Grian really starts looking at Scar's art—the insane cliffs Scar has build around his new hangers—and awkwardly not quite managing words, because it would be very embarrassing to just outright say the word beautiful, and Grian’s a very normal and non-embarrassing person.
In the climax of the season, Grian-the-hippie breaks into General Scar’s base.
Nobody can say that Scar making himself a top brass general and Grian making himself an anti-establishment flower power hippie does not end up with plausibly-deniable not-making-out Grian-provoking-Scar-into-holding-him-against-a-wall.
but.
BUT.
This is Hermitcraft. It’s temporary. Scar and Grian both know it was a bit. A bit they both got super into, sure! But a bit. Not weird at all.
(“Sure, mate, not weird at all,” Mumbo says, after all of this is over. “Then why are you making it SOUND weird Mumbo you’re the WORST”)*
(“Sooo....” Cub says, and Scar says, “I know. I know!”)*
*not canon but you can't tell me it didn't happen off screen
FLIRTING (But What About…) – early Season 7
Okay, so that was weird, but Grian is definitely still in love with Mumbo. The Mumbo pursuit is going great and Mumbo definitely doesn’t look nervous whenever Grian turns up with a new idea. Grian is going to get Mumbo to fall in love with him and they will marry in the spring and have a dozen beautiful children redstone contraptions.
Grian attempts to make it more official with Mumbo. Surely they have been flirting long enough, they are ready for the next stage! This is in no way a reaction to Scar becoming a weird wizard in a way very unsettling to Grian and building the kind of wild organic tangled forest build that Grian is fascinated by but can't even begin to comprehend.
Everything is very under control in Grian's life. He's now official boyfriends with Mumbo. They live together and have a messaging system and everything.
Mumbo announces he’s moving out.
It’s-not-you-it’s-me
You’re… you’re moving out? Grian says, in the smallest possible voice.
We’ll still have the messaging system, Mumbo says, unconvincingly.
FINE, Grian says, I’m moving out TOO.
Mumbo moves out.
Grian deals with this in the healthiest possible way. He invents a mayorship and attempts to give it to Mumbo.
Grian is Mumbo’s self-appointed campaign manager so Mumbo has to be round him ALL THE TIME, it’s for the CAMPAIGN, Mumbo.
Mumbo, a man who doesn’t deal well with pressure or responsibility, is maybe not the ideal choice for mayor, something that has escaped Grian entirely.
Mumbo builds a robot and attempts to palm off all responsibility for decision-making onto it. Grian immediately calls it their son.
Grian puts his moustache all over the server.
NO other hermits support them for mayor (except Scar, from a lost bet, who Grian has continued to have intensely weird flirtations with while all this is happening)
Things reach a fever pitch. Election day arrives. Mumbo doesn’t want this actually but try telling Grian that. The entire MumboGrian edifice that Grian has obsessively and wildly build has reached an unsustainable pitch and finally comes tumbling down around them.
Mumbo votes Scar for mayor.
Grian votes Scar for mayor.
Mumbo disappears for several weeks to do some nice soothing redstone and calm down.
FLIRTING (Civil War) – late Season 7
Everything has calmed down now. Scar is mayor. Mumbo is...somewhere. Grian is going to work on his base normally.
Grian has a new project. He wants to build in the new nether biomes. He builds a huge and echoing and obsessively inverse version of his huge and echoing and obsessively symmetrical mansion base. It's very impressive. It's totally hollow. There's... no one else here.
Grian decides that okay, he is going to bring PEOPLE here.
He invites Mumbo, because he hasn't seen him in weeks. He invites Bdubs, because Grian above all loves genius. And he invites Scar. Because of course. Everything major Grian does now, Scar is an of course.
Bdubs shows up! Generously builds Grian's entire mansion interior. Mumbo shows up. Builds a tiny upside down disco shack.
Scar does not show up.
Scar is being mayor! Scar is a very busy and important man! Scar has spent the last few weeks obsessively replacing every single goddamn mycelium block in the shopping district with beautifully tailored grass and making trees whose flowers are diamonds. He's also got his own megabase going on. For once Scar has so much to do it's even enough for Scar's ambitions, which have never been small.
He does not come when Grian calls.
Grian is Not Happy.
This is the point where Grian starts a steadily more unhinged campaign of leaving Scar invitations. He makes little tailor's dummies of himself and delivers them to Scar's house. He sets up a tea party of three grians in a secret space under Scar's mayoral throne. He hangs himself in effigy on the tip of Scar's megadrill build. Normal behavior.
And then when Scar still doesn't notice, he puts a tiny bit of mycelium back on one of the streets of the shopping district.
This starts… THE MYCELIUM WARS
Scar attempts to contain the growing mycelium patch with warning tape.
Grian spreads more mushroom spores.
Scar brings in his allies to help contain the growing mushroom patches.
Grian digs out an underground rebel HQ, recruits several rebels, and declares himself Motherspore.
Mayor Scar stares into a camera and uses his most velvety baritone to proclaim he will hunt down Grian and the mycelium resistance and bring them to justice.
Grian sets loose mushroom-spreading sheep.
Mayor Scar obsessively searches for his base.
Grian and Impulse build several decoy bases and trap them.
Mayor Scar employs Mumbo to strip-mine every block of the shopping district with redstone tunnel-borers.
Eventually Deputy Mayor Bdubs, having his own thing with rebel Etho, tricks all of the resistance into ender-pearling into jail.
Scar gets to threaten to pour lava on an imprisoned Grian for ten minutes straight and they’re both enjoying this so much.
Grian: Scar! SCAR! Scar Scar Scar no Scar no Scar no listen Scar
Scar: Yes?
Grian: …Let’s take this somewhere else.
They ‘take this’ to Scar’s beautifully-appointed mayoral office. Grian sits on the arm of his chair (I don’t know what to tell you, this is on-screen canon).
Grian: So I know how to end the war.
Grian: We have to play minigames and make personal bets.
Grian: And Scar, Scar, if you lose…
Scar: Yes?
Grian: … you have to help build my base.
Entire room: [stunned silence]
Etho: Is this what it was about the whole time, Grian?
So! That happened. And the thing is, they could both mentally pass off the area 77 general/hippie stuff as Just A Fun Bit That Got Very Intense.
They can't do this with the mayor/motherspore stuff. They are basically making out on Scar’s chair. The resistance have noticed. The mayoral staff have noticed. EVERYONE has noticed.
Scar is into it. Scar is going along with it. Scar knows he’d had a crush for a long time, and he isn't scared of swimming with a huge wave, never mind where it's going to break. Scar has always embraced the rush. With Grian, you never know what’s going to happen next.
Grian has always loved being around Scar because there’s so much going on that you don’t have to think. Grian doesn’t have to think until everything’s calmed down. It's not until now that he stops and realizes… could this be… something.
(Maybe it already is.)
And then, by whatever eldritch mechanic you personally favor:
3rd life begins.
HEAD-OVER-HEELS – Third Life
In the tiny claustrophobic stripped-bare world of Third Life, Grian makes a choice. Grian thinks, for once very, very clearly: what if it wasn't a bit? What if it was real. What if Grian took every explosive piece of who he was and handed it over to someone he's—okay, he'll admit it—someone he's been obsessed with for a long time. What if that heady sparkle he's been seeing in the corner of his vision is true. What happens if you grab it with both hands?
Scar—surprised, bemused, amazed but wrong-footed—almost doesn't know what to DO with this.
Scar is so used to Grian layering all his obsession behind a thick layer of irony and drama and second-guessing and schemes. ‘Sure we can make out but only if I'm trailing mushroom spores and you're wearing that sash.’ ‘I'm only here because Mumbo's not around.’ ‘It’s not a thing.’ ‘It's not real.’
But it is real.
And, for once, Scar hears a tiny alarm go off in his brain. Scar knows Grian better than anyone else does, by now, and even he doesn't know where this ends. Grian is a force of nature and Scar has never been his unfiltered target. But Grian's throwing himself into this, throwing himself at Scar. And Scar always says 'yes.' 'Yes, and.' 'Yes, let's'. Scar never wants less of Grian. Scar has always taken what he can get.
But with that warning bell, Scar does try to keep that slight layer of dramatic distance, even in this new world where you can die and not come back, even if they don't know if they'll get out of this alive. Scar doesn't fully buy into Grian's second-in-command-devotion, he forces a space for Grian to still be the Grian he knows, some kind of safety vent (‘here's a bee on a lead’). And it could be a lot of reasons, but part of it is…Grian's head-over-heels, for once, and Scar has the unfamiliar feeling of needing to be the one to look where they're going.
Because where they're going is: the last two, all their friends dead, not knowing if there's any way to survive but knowing their friends haven't come back, and at that point Scar takes off the very last of his brakes and the very last of his reservations and says:
For everything you've done for me you can kill me.
(I want this. I want it to be you.)
This breaks Grian absolutely and completely.
And not broken in the fun way! Grian is too far in. Grian let go of Mumbo, who was safe because Mumbo never let it get too far, and he took a risk on Scar, and now Grian is discovering that he didn’t even know what risk meant. Grian is in emotional pain he never suspected existed. Grian has let himself put all his gambling chips on someone who wasn't SAFE and he has lost.
Grian has LOST SCAR and he has LOST HIMSELF and he has FOUND OUT HE CAN BE HURT and he is never going to be the fucking same again.
Scar is in the pond with Grian’s sword at his unresisting neck. And Scar is going to die, and Scar (damn him damn him) has turned it into: he's going to die for Grian. Now Grian is hurting, he's complicit, it turns out grief is an inevitable part of love and beauty, this is all it's taken for Grian's worldview to fall apart in pieces he can't pick up, and Grian has no defenses against pain so there's obviously no way to cope except to beat Scar to death in a cactus ring and jump off a cliff.
AFTERMATH – Season 8
They wake up in Hermitcraft.
They wake up in Hermitcraft! Scar is delighted to find out they just reincarnate, after all that!
Sure, they've all got some lingering trauma but Scar has never let that stop him from doing anything. Scar thought that whole thing went well! He just about dares to think...romantic...? Maybe...?
Grian is Normal to him.
Grian is so fucking normal. it's like. s6 normal.
Scar is. kind of. confused.
Grian is NOT acting like someone he had a romantic death match with.
(Grian is falling apart, but if there's one thing Grian has proved in his building it’s that he’s SO. fucking. good. at facades.)
(Don't go round the back.)
Neither of them are ready for the death game to repeat.
DIVORCE (Traumatic) – Last Life, Season 8
Second death game. Grian deals with his trauma super well by isolating Scar, stealing all his friends, tricking a life out of him, dropping his horse in lava, forcing him into an extortion death loop, then abandoning him and—just as a bonus—murdering Mumbo as well.
This time it’s Scar who comes back falling apart.
A theory that seems plausible: Scar’s old friend Cub picks him up, puts him back together, gets him on his feet. What we do know is that Cub moves in next to Boatem, where Scar is still living with Grian, and incidentally builds an enormous dripstone megabiome that is coincidentally very hostile and might murder you upon landing if you're someone who flies a lot, or happens to be a bird.
There’s a hole with an endless dark void between Scar and Grian’s Boatem bases. They built it together. It’s around this time they both keep repeatedly falling in it.
DIVORCE (But When It Was Good It Was So Good) – Season 8, Double Life
Then the moon gets big. Gets close. Gravity breaks down and that should be the end, should be a way out of this terrible spiral they're in, surely they're better without each other—
Grian turns up at Scar's base and says: Scar. Build us an escape pod.
—and Scar does.
They go out together. Both of them can feel the pull back into each other’s orbit but they’ll die if they acknowledge it. At the end of it all, the void, the protective suits, the unbearable gravity of falling into space together, of holding each other until another uncertain end. They're nowhere but they're in it together.
Is this a good time for another death game? Of course. How much worse can it get.
Double Life, and this time Scar keeps his distance. My soulmate is this allay! My soulmate is my cat! I don’t need a soulmate. Oh—it’s Grian? This whole time? Hahaha. How funny.
Grian: Soo… do you want to base together?
Scar: Do we have to?
Grian: It…might be nice…?
Scar is wary.
He has been burned.
But the pull is still there. The pull is always there. You can’t forget Grian, but you can blunt the edge of him on your skin. Scar is here to take care of these cat-pandas. Grian can do what he likes.
Cheated of Scar’s full attention, Grian tries to tempt BigB into a pale imitation of the Scarian folie à deux (BigB is a genuinely nice man who does not deserve this).
The rest of the server turn red, one by one. Grian and Scar are the last greens. BigB is audibly nervous when Grian proposes a red-green alliance, even though BigB is the red, he has the power. But Grian can’t escape the rest of the server, and the red hunt begins.
Grian and Scar, hunted—trapped at the top of flaming towers, jumping from heights, chased down like foxes at bay, crammed into boltholes with their hands over each other’s mouths, Grian shrieks and laughs and falls back on Scar and Scar catches him and they’re both as alive and elated as they’ve ever been. Scar dies once to Ren and BigB’s zombies and Grian murders both BigB and Ren in revenge (BigB was right to be nervous). Grian has another unhinged murder plan underway when he dies for the last time.
This whole time, Grian was hit in the face by remembering that when it's good, it's so good.
Scar isn’t surprised. Scar has known that forever.
Back in Hermitcraft, its not magically fixed. They’re not innocent any more. But every time Grian looks at Scar he remembers: when it’s good, it’s so good.
And Scar never forgot.
DIVORCE (We’re In Love And We’re Not Done Yet) – Season 9, Limited Life
By now we're into Season 9. They’re still alive. They always live, they always start again, and the other one is just there. Being, infuriatingly and magnetically, them.
Grian is thoroughly annoyed by Scar’s new allegiance to King Ren, but he keeps coming back to Scarland anyway. Scar, I made you an obstacle course. Scar, stand here and get squashed by this anvil. Scar if you don’t do something I’m going to start a resistance.
Grian pretends King Ren doesn’t exist and he has more important things to do, and pretends this so hard that he incidentally invents a mad science robot pulls them all through into the Empires dimension.
Scar, assuming Grian is doing his own thing, shacks up with Jimmy.
It takes Grian three weeks to notice and be shriekingly outraged.
Scar we’re doing a project. Scar you can’t spend all your time with Jimmy! Join my cult. Get in my shrinking machine. I made you an enchanted netherite bow. I need your allegiance. (Another real quote).
Scar teases Grian for weeks then instantly abandons Jimmy when the choice comes down to him or Grian.
Fourth death game—they’re used to this, now. Nothing too intense. Nothing too weird. Grian can’t help murdering Scar.
At this point, Scar is starting to read it as: I love you.
And that’s how we get to the current Scarian dynamic we know and love of you're the worst and I'm the worst and we've divorced a few time but we still like each other so fucking much.
It's been years. They've killed each other every possible way. These two characters are in love and they're not done yet.
#scarian#grian#goodtimeswithscar#hermitshipping#yes canon IS a grand romantic arc#to be super clear: i don't think any of this was cc intention#but we can have a little narrative framing fun#as a treat#i think nearly all of this is true to canon except some timing vagueness and the dialogue in parentheses#thank you to the hivemind for theory help#long post#glossywrites
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Something about teaming up with Scar in the Life series makes Grian build. Monopoly Mountain and the Red Velvet Keep are detailed and attractive builds made of limited resources with a great sense of place and story. The Southlands is a cobblestone monstrosity that even Grian is laughingly embarrassed about. Bread Bridge is hilarious, but also the worst aesthetic crime since the Mr Potatohead Box.
It’s not even that Scar helps him. Grian builds Monopoly Mountain and the Keep by himself. Scar gets him resources, sure, but mainly he’s corralling pandas, scamming people out of their underwear, and chasing this bee on a lead. He comes back when it's all over: Looks great, Grian! I love it. Amazing.
So we’re left with: something about being teamed up with Scar, one of the most ambitious and artistic builders in Minecraft, makes Grian desperately try to make something beautiful even though he knows - they all know - it’s all going to be ruined in the end.
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Okay, so, a summary of the Scar & Tubbo livestream:
Tubbo is extremely excited to meet Scar
Scar has no idea what they’re doing
They have picked a challenge world in which lava is constantly rising
Tubbo picked this world
Tubbo did not read a tutorial and has no idea what they’re doing either
They totally fail to gather appropriate resources
Scar uses this time to successfully convince Tubbo that fireflies now exist in Minecraft
Scar attempts the double-life dripstone trick on Tubbo
They scaffold up above the lava. Scar nearly dies about five times. They escape to the nether, nearly dying again when Scar puts the lava bucket in the wrong place.
Tubbo: “Er, I’ve just had a discord message from Grian that just says Welcome to my world.”
Tubbo: “Also my chat keeps telling me you betrayed me??”
Tubbo destroys the nether portal back “until we’ve talked this out!”
Scar: “I haven’t betrayed you!”
Scar: “Grian will vouch for me!”
Grian has left the chat.
Scar reluctantly admits that they didn’t put fireflies in Minecraft
They leave the nether for the lava-world again and realize they’ve won
Scar falls into the lava by accident and Tubbo dies trying to save him.
Grian enters voicechat and proposes a therapy group of people who have had to keep Scar alive.
Tubbo immediately volunteers to join this.
Grian re-convinces Tubbo there are now fireflies in Minecraft.
#goodtimeswithscar#gtwscar#tubbo#grian#this was incredible#what duo name are we going with? i liked#space duo#i will also accept#science duo#gen#stream recaps#glossywrites
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THE H.T.G.Y. FILES
Project team notes: Vat growth stage has been successful. Please note project is titled Human Tactical Ground-unit Y (H.T.G.Y.) and this is the only designation that should be used. Lab technicians who continue to use slang term hotguy will be written up.
Senior researcher CUB-135 has been called in to consult. Please give him access to all non-sensitive files.
+
[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]
HTGY: Well, hello there!
CUB-135: Hi. How’s it, uh. How’s it going?
HTGY: How’s it going? Huh, that’s the first time someone’s asked me that. Wait a minute. I know that one. How’s it going. Oh, oh, I got it. It’s going great!
CUB-135: …Cool.
HTGY: Yeah. Yeah. Isn’t it great to be alive and awake? How’s it treating you?
CUB-135: It’s magnificent.
HTGY: [laughing] Magnificent. Oh, I like that. Who are you, my friend?
CUB-135: I’m a consultant. Cub-one-three-five. The project team dragged me in because I wrote the genome.
HTGY: Consultant…. So you’re the one who does their thinking for them, huh?
CUB-135: [surprised laugh] Yeah.
HTGY: Well, I’m telling you, they need it. Buncha people prodding me to see if I can stand up! You can just ask that, can’t you? A man’s gotta have space, Cub. A man’s gotta do things under his own steam.
CUB-135: Yeah, I guess. Yeah.
HTGY: [conspiratorial] Here’s a question. Got a lot of things in my head, Cub. The ol’ memory’s all messed up. I’m new, right?
CUB-135: You’re new. That’s right.
HTGY: I thought so! How new?
CUB-135: Uhh… three days? Three days and two hours.
HTGY: Thank you! Finally. Can’t get a straight answer out of anyone here.
CUB-135: …you want your genome notes?
HTGY: Boy, do I! What’s a genome?
CUB-135: Uh. Okay. Let’s see what we can do. I need some files. A lotta files.
+
[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]
HTGY: Oh, we have to stop.
CUB-135: Yeah?
HTGY: That noise means I gotta be somewhere.
CUB-135: Mm.
HTGY: Just more prodding and check-ups, I guess. Can’t take long. Come back, okay? I'll be here, at least I guess I'll be here. I've been here all the time so far. Tomorrow?
CUB-135: …
CUB-135: Alright. Tomorrow.
+
DEATH COUNT: 1
+
Project team notes: First trial (subject vs two skeletons obtained from Lab 2E spawner) did not meet expectations. Subject (H.T.G.Y.) is slow to grasp the basics of hand-to-hand combat despite neural implants. Speed below benchmark. Precision poor. Regeneration not fast enough to alter outcome of combat.
Although a disappointing start to the project, there are promising leads in some areas. Combat abilities expected to improve through repetition. Deficiencies in combat conversely allow better collection of regeneration data.
Subject observation: when returned to room, subject spent six hours seated and unmoving. Scheduling next test for tomorrow.
+
[CUB-135 OBSERVATIONS]
note to self, find a way to phrase: ‘he was a project for faster injury regeneration, you fucking amateurs, nothing in that genome makes him magically good at fighting’ in a way that doesn’t include the phrase ‘you fucking amateurs’. difficult problem.
going back in. this one will be less fun.
+
[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]
HTGY: Hey, it’s Mister Does-The-Thinking! Cub, hey, Cub!
CUB-135: Hey.
HTGY: You’re looking serious today. What’s up?
CUB-135: I’m good. I’m good.
HTGY: That’s what I like to hear. Can’t have the big-brain guy down in the dumps.
CUB-135: How was yesterday?
HTGY: Ohhh. Yesterday, Cub, yesterday. I don’t think I’m that good at fighting. There were a lot of very unhelpful skeletons, Cub. A lot of them! Really mean! I think it’s going to be regular. I am not looking forward to that.
CUB-135: Mm.
HTGY: Any chance you can make it, y’know. Fewer monsters? They hurt.
CUB-135: Sorry, man. I don’t set the tests.
HTGY: Naw, I didn’t think so. You don’t look like a guy in charge.
CUB-135: Is that right?
HTGY: You’re just, you know [hand gesture] … laid back. I like that about you.
CUB-135: Uh.
HTGY: So. Cub. Cub, Cub, Cub.
CUB-135: …yeah?
HTGY: I’ve got this thing in my head. The sky.
CUB-135: The sky? Like… all of it?
HTGY: I dunno! You people put some pictures in my memories when you made me, I think. Horizons, clouds—I know they’re made of water, but how does that work? I saw a bit during the fight and it was kind of grey? Talk me through clouds, Cub. You’re good at explaining. And the rest of it! Where does it stop? What’s above it?
CUB-135: Oh, dude. Let me tell you… let me tell you about space.
+
To: +Team_Members_HTGY_Project
From: CUB-135
Y’all,
I looked at your trial notes. Project lead asked for my thoughts. My thoughts:
- inefficient;
- could get the same regeneration data from tissue samples;
- waste of skeletons.
You want to find another way. The combat unit thing was doomed from the start. If you want a supersoldier you should start over with a ravager.
have a real one,
Cub
+
Project team notes: One-month project milestone. Consultancy from CUB-135 has started to be more of a problem than an asset. Unfortunately he is the only one who understands how to process the regeneration data so assistance remains necessary for now. Upskilling of team analysts in progress.
Test continue. H.T.G.Y. has been given a variety of weapons and results range from abysmal (sword) to mediocre (bow). Subject has so far lost to every creature put in front of him. If the combat goals of this project are to be met, a better training regime will be needed.
On a separate note: great interest from sponsors in mid-combat regeneration data. A variety of tests has been requested.
+
New data storage links: EXPLOSION (creeper) – File CR93; FIRE BURN (wood) – File FR02; FIRE BURN (other) – File FR03; BLOOD LOSS – File IN20; VENOM – File VM07, UNCATEGORIZED – UN45-UN51.
+
DEATH COUNT: 23
+
[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]
HTGY: You know what the problem is?
CUB-135: I can guess?
HTGY: I’m so bored.
CUB-135: Okay. Didn’t see that coming.
HTGY: I’m so bored. Honestly, I’m bored most of the time. Except when I’m getting killed, which isn’t great either. Or when you’re here—you know I appreciate you, Cub, you’re a great guy, don’t get me wrong. But you’re only around every couple of days, and it’s the bits in between.
CUB-135: Mm.
HTGY: Can’t you clone yourself, or something, and leave one here?
CUB-135: Nah, outside my specialism. Hm. You talked to Mumbo much? Mumbo’s always around.
HTGY: The lab system?
[null]: Hello. Can I answer a query?
HTGY: Oh, hi, Mumbo. Yeah, I’ve talked to Mumbo. But let’s be honest, he’s not much of one to start conversations. I can never think of things to ask.
[null]: What I can communicate to subjects on this level has been restricted by administrators.
HTGY: See?
CUB-135: Get him to show you… I dunno. Cat videos. Space stuff. Forests. They won’t have locked that down.
HTGY: Forests. Yeah! Okay. Mumbo?
[null]: I’m allowed to show pictures of forests. How’s this?
HTGY: Look at that. So green. So many trees! How close is that picture from here?
CUB-135: Kinda nearby, I think. Looks like a research shot from where they caught the spiders. Lots of the wild subjects in here came from close by.
HTGY: Amazing. Hey, Cub, can you get them to take me to a forest? Tree training! Beat the spiders in their own home!
CUB-135: Why not? I’ll ask.
HTGY: They’ll say no. But it’s good to think of it out there.
+
Project team notes: Six-month project milestone. Useful data continues to accumulate. HTGY has improved with bow and crossbow, and survival rate has risen to one in ten encounters.
Unfortunately, a new issue has arisen in subject cooperation. Most tests are set up to incentivize survival, making attitude irrelevant. However non-lethal tests require participation, which has previously been forthcoming from the subject, until yesterday when he refused to participate at all.
CUB-135 seems to have a rapport. Suggest he talks with subject to encourage better attitude. This would be the first useful thing CUB-135 has done in weeks.
+
DEATH COUNT: 97
+
[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]
CUB-135: Hey. What’s up.
HTGY: Oh. Hey.
CUB-135: Not feeling it today?
HTGY: I knew it. I know why you’re here. I know why they sent you to talk to me.
CUB-135: Try me.
HTGY: It was a cat, Cub. I’ll take the fights. I’ll take the training machines, they break half the time anyway. I’ll take the spiders and the skeletons and the creepers and the fact I know way too much about what my bones look like. But I’m not shooting a cat! I don’t care if it’s safe target practice. I’m not doing it!
CUB-135: Yeah. Okay.
HTGY: …
CUB-135: So what do you wanna talk about today?
HTGY: You’re not gonna try and convince me?
CUB-135: Naw.
HTGY: Cub, I’m not shooting anything that’s not trying to kill me.
CUB-135: Yeah, I know.
HTGY: You know?
CUB-135: I read your test notes. I can guess.
HTGY: Aw, you read my test notes? You care! Don’t pretend you don’t, I can see through it.
CUB-135: What can I say. You’re an interesting guy.
HTGY: I knew it! Oh, hey, Cub, you know what? I came up with a new name for myself. What do you think—[dramatic hand gesture]—Scar.
CUB-135: …
HTGY: Cool, right?
CUB-135: Scar. Yeah. It’s cool.
+
Project team notes: CUB-135 entirely unhelpful. Schedule escalation meeting with bioprojects lead.
+
[message log start]
Lead (bioprojects): Well, you got what you originally wanted. You’re off the HTGY project.
cub-135: wait, what?
Lead (bioprojects): You’re no longer permitted in the labs on that level. I need you to turn in your badge for reprogramming.
cub-135: oh man
cub-135: here’s the thing
cub-135: i lost it
Lead (bioprojects): You lost your BADGE?
cub-135: yeah i’ve just been following people through the access doors
Lead (bioprojects): That’s against all policy. I don’t think that’s even possible. How do you get lunch?
cub-135: cheat code on the cash register. up up down down A B.
Lead (bioprojects): You’re not funny. Find your badge and turn it in to get your HTGY level access revoked.
cub-135: oh yeah. i’ll get to that.
Lead (bioprojects): You’re lucky you’re good at your job.
cub-135: just trying my best here, man
Lead (bioprojects): No interference. If the team complain to me about you again, you’re getting demoted to junior lab tech. Leave the project alone.
cub-135: sure boss.
cub-135: you got it.
[Lead(bioprojects) has disconnected]
+
Project Team Notes: Eight-month project milestone. Sponsors pleased with regeneration data. Two papers have been published to modest but positive reception.
After period of progress with HTGY’s survival rates in combat, improvement has levelled off. Subject appears to have less energy for reasons that are unclear. Random observational checks found subject watching cat videos at all hours of the day. Changes in diet and test structure have been tested to no effect. Rest time has been experimentally increased.
+
DEATH COUNT: 167
+
[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]
HTGY: Hey, Cub! Long time no see!
Cub: Yeah, sorry, man. Some admin bullshit.
HTGY: Your badge looks different.
Cub: Made it myself. How’s the tests?
HTGY: Oh, let’s not talk about those. You know what, I actually decided I’m not going to remember something if it’s not worth it. All the fights are the same and they keep doing them. So! I’ve been thinking. Cub. Cub. I want a cat. Can I get a cat?
Cub: …
HTGY: Just a little one. I’ve seen some options. Mumbo has pictures.
Cub: Dunno, dude. I can try. Might be tricky.
HTGY: [sigh] I guess you’re right. It…wouldn’t be happy, would it? Yeah. We can’t have that.
CUB: Sorry.
HTGY: No, no, it’s all right. I don’t want to make something unhappy. It was just a thought.
CUB-135: What’s on the screen?
HTGY: [brightens up] Oh, this? Dude, I wanted to show you this! Mumbo has this drawing program where you can build houses. This is my idea for a forest house. I think you could do it with three kinds of wood and you could have, you know, all these trees over it. What do you think? I mean, I know we’ll never see a forest. But imagine it in your mind.
CUB: … You know what, my friend, you’re really something.
HTGY: Why thank you. You could say the same of yourself—come on, Cub, don’t be shy. Take the compliment!
CUB-135: I don’t—
[silence]
HTGY: Don’t what?
CUB-135: [abruptly] I dunno how much more I can take.
HTGY: …
CUB-135: I—what am I even doing? What are we doing? There’s nothing to change. There’s no way to change anything.
HTGY: … You could get me a cat.
CUB-135: I can’t! I can barely get around the access readers! I can’t even get into the project files! Ten years of research and I feel dumb, Scar, I could solve everything until I couldn’t. What would you do if you weren’t in here? Man, that’s such a stupid question. I don’t even know what I’d do if I wasn’t in here. My references are gonna be shot. Maybe I should have paid attention to something else, maybe I should have done anything else—
HTGY: I’d like to see some forests.
CUB-135: Huh?
HTGY: You said ‘what would I do’. I’d go and see some forests.
CUB-135: …
CUB-135: Forests, huh.
HTGY: Anyway, that’s not going to happen, so I guess we don’t want to waste time on it! They need you here. And you guys need me here. Right?
CUB-135: …
HTGY: Right, Cub-one-three-five?
CUB-135: Y’know something, Scar? Sometimes I think you do more thinking more than you let on.
HTGY: Huh? Naw. Why’s your badge gone red?
CUB-135: Oh shit. Shit. I gotta go.
+
[message log start]
cub-135: listen boss
cub-135: first you bump me off the HTGY project, and now i’ve just had my name taken off the ravager patent. that’s my own work.
cub-135: this keeps happening. it’s not okay.
Lead (bioprojects) : CUB-135, for the last time, this was what you signed up for. It’s the same for all researchers. You have to put the time in while you move up the ladder.
Lead (bioprojects): Have you just noticed this is how the whole laboratory works?
cub-135: oh
cub-135: i’m noticing
cub-135: i’m noticing lots of things about this place
Lead (bioprojects): Good. If you have an issue, focus on your work and get promoted.
cub-135: yeah, see, actually
cub-135: if nothing changes, i’m going to leave. and i’ll take all my intellectual property with me.
Lead (bioprojects): Hah! Check your employment papers; you’re on a 10-year contract. It’s watertight. And even if you could get out of it, you’re banned from taking paper or data chips out of lab grounds.
cub-135: yeah?
cub-135: okay.
[cub-135 has disconnected]
+
[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]
CUB-135: Hey. Scar. Scar.
HTGY: Cub! What’s with the doohickey? It—oh, wow. That just zapped the light. Amazing.
CUB-135: Mumbo, lock transcript.
[null]: Transcript locked.
CUB-135: Okay. So. I made this thing to hijack the redstone gate down by the Drowned spawners on Lab 3B. It screws up the signal so you can get through. There’s a reservoir behind it. I put in a bubble elevator that will take you up outside the walls. I’ve got to stay behind to take out the cameras while you do it. Then I’ll get out with the evening shift.
HTGY: Wait, so I just take this and run? What if they find out about you?
CUB-135: If you do that I’m screwed, man. So don’t tell them.
HTGY: Yeah?
CUB-135: …Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You could turn me in.
[silence]
CUB-135: Maybe you should. Yeah, all right. I guess, just—oh.
HTGY: Relax! Anyone would think you’d never had a hug.
CUB-135: …
HTGY: My friend. My friend, we are going to see some forests.
+
[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]
HTGY: The speed! The precision!
CUB-135: Whew. Man. You did nearly drown.
HTGY: What’s important here is that I didn’t, because I am an elite escape artist. And you got out too, so I guess we can share the title.
CUB-135: We’re not far enough to say that yet. I’d bet we’re still in range of the lab systems.
HTGY: Details, details.
CUB-135: You’re bleeding.
HTGY: Oh man, I know, that was from the last test. It doesn’t matter.
CUB-135: Give me that.
HTGY: Fussy! What are you, a grandpa? Ow.
CUB-135: If you don’t stop and let me fix it you’re going to lose that finger. And I can’t grow it again when we don’t have the redstone vats.
HTGY: You were never this fussy before.
CUB-135: Yeah, well. Who even did it?
HTGY: I don’t…
[silence]
HTGY: Huh. Cub, you know what, I don’t…remember.
HTGY: Hey, though. Who everything filed and stored like a nerd? Who needs all their memories where we’re going? We’re getting out! Onwards!
[silence]
HTGY: Cub. Cub.
HTGY: Don’t look like that.
HTGY: It wasn’t your fault.
[silence]
CUB-135: Scar, I dunno what I’m doing.
HTGY: I’ve never known what I’m doing.
CUB-135: [laughs] You are…something, my friend. You are something.
HTGY: We don’t know what we're doing. And that’s amazing. Because aren’t you excited to find out?
+
Author's note: Hey, thanks for reading to the end! There's a better formatted version of this on Ao3 under username glossyblue. I've got a lot of this au but thought this stood alone well enough that someone might enjoy it. Hope you enjoyed, have a great day.
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"Everyone underestimates me, oh, Bdubs, so adorable, so friendly, he’s gonna be just the nicest fella, and don’t get me wrong, I AM, I’m a DELIGHT, but I got plans. I got lots of plans. You’ll see."
-THE BIOCURIOSITY FILES - here on ao3
art and design by the one and only @bdoubledealing
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