#god I feel awful I need to sleep

[onedirecton]

unfortunately my neighbours r continuing to smoke indoors 👍 0 days since our last nonsense

#last night was horrible . the bathroom and my roommate’s room just reeked because their unit is basically on the other side of her wall #she’s coming back like tomorrow and I feel awful she’s coming back to something like this :( #it was just awful (the smell) and I went in to keep the window open overnight but like….you literally cannot sleep when it stinks that bad #and it’s unfair if we have to uproot everything and move just because these actual losers can’t follow the terms on the lease #she said she might have to come bunk in my room if it’s ever bad like that again and I was like yeah absolutely no problem #this was the second time the smell has been so concentrated in her room like goddddd #so not cool #anyway it was a rough night and I called my family on video chat and it helped #but I spent most of the day in a weepy fog because I hate living here and I hate the unpredictability of it all #anyway they might get evicted soooo please god god pleeeeease kick them out!!!! #I hate that it’s gonna bad again :( #it’s been a week since I told my counsellor that I’m doing better 🤪 then it just got bad again what the hell #I need a hug lol

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#im still procrastinating so bear with me #ive just been thinking abt something. like the idea of a support system #bc as a 1st year grad student ppl around me r like: it must be hard being away from ur support system or ive left my support system when i #moved halfway across the country. and like i dont really feel that way bc idk the idea of a support system is sorta odd to me #like for me i guess it would just b my parents who i kno love me but im just so weirdly asocial that i never really talk to them #like i hardly ever text them. we talk maybe every couple months. so like i guess i theoretically have support but its a bit abstract #and like i have friends i guess but again im a bit weird and dont really feel connected to ppl so i dont feel that close to anyone #surface level friendships i guess. i dunno. i just feel weird not not having a support system but also having it b hollow #i guess i cant feel it more now. like i feel like getting diagnosed as bip0lar made my problems seem more realized to my parents #like i dunno i just assumed they knew i was doing awful most of the time but maybe that wasn't the case #its such a weird thing to b diagnosed with. like the conotations feel a lot heavier and i feel like im not supposed to talk abt it to ppl #bc theyll think im unreliable or something. like it wouldnt b that big a deal if i was just depressed but the sometimes buring out of my #skin makes me somehow scarier. and i still feel conflicted bc i do have a bip0lar mood profile but i have very very high impulse control #and even when im going high my mind is still super rational about it. which seems weird bc low impulse control is common with #the diagnosis. its also y i dont fit an 4dhd profile. not that it really matters. i fit the criteria enough to be on the bip0lar spectrum #its not like someone's gonna come yell at me for not being bip0lar enough. i just feel odd about it is all #still feels fake i guess. hard to imagine feeling any different to how i feel now. which is weirdly stable. so i guess the meds r working #sigh... ok enough i need to go to sleep at 7pm so i can get up at like 2 to finish reading a paper. for some reason my god forsaken brain #works better in the early morning rip #unrelated

[zafiro-anyejo]

I will never forgive that one youtuber who said "chuck mcgill is worse than walter white".

The man is literally just a socially anxious, unfunny, jealous older sibling. What he does to Jimmy is in no way comparable--in any universe--to what Walter White, or even Mike--did to Albuquerque. The harm that Chuck internalized himself was far worse than anything he did to anyone in his life.

#eldest child syndrome feeling the eldest child syndrome #i am soo so so tired of men missing the point of bad asshole shitty awful male characters #*war flashbacks to my dad watching jimmy scream at howard and unironically say 'he's exactly right'* #fjdkljfdsal dad YOU are the teensy tiny man in a teensy weensy little bubble #WE ARE ALL TEENSY TINY MEN IN TEENSY WEENSY LITTLE BUBBLES #we are small but for the small ripples of kindness we make in life #i;m so tired y'all i need to get to bed #GOD I MISS THIS SHOW SO MUCH #i forget about it for a solid... 8 months at a time then i have like an hour long session a few times a year of this sharp acute *ache* #in my heart #because this show rewired my brain in so many ways it was a lightning jolt to my hearttt #ok #i am going. to. sleep. sorry this is such a ramblee

[graveyardmouth]

its that time of the night

#and the year. #really makes me feel like summer especially middle school and before #completely isolated from all my friends panic attacks every time the sun went down hiding from my mom trying to block out screaming as #best i could staying up til dawn drinking dr pepper stealing my moms books listening to my dads cds stealing chocolate chips and eventually #wine from the kitchen puking in the bathroom reading the perks of being a wallflower goinf out for bike rides in the early morning walking #to the library and collapsing on the way home cause i hadnt eaten in 2 days walking past the church holding a knife in one hand #biking because i just knew there was somebody waiting to kill me dying my hair three times begging for escape from the monotony making #friends on twitter and discord in bad places getting attention from strangers for my relationship with a razor blade staying up all night #for the quiet because i needed to be alone because i couldnt sleep to feel something besides numbness getting yelled at for keeping my room #messy and crying thinking about people knowing i was eating finding a book that made me happy and knowing that once i finished it id #return to awful numbing boredom nothing could fix god ive typed a lot #sorry im feeling nostalgic about feeling bad and summer has always been one of many low points in the year for me #anyways ✌️ #dw about me im actually in a really good place mentally rn i just. am worried for how long itll last #and quite scared about getting taken off my antidepressants tbh #bug shut up #delete later #Youtube

[crabussy]

RRARAAAAAAAAAUUAUUAAGHHHHH

#ITS 12AM AND I HAVE BIG EXAMS TOMORROW #and people are taking my lighthearted post far too seriously and claiming some pretty awful things about my intentions #???????? I'm just some 17 year old who thought housetrucks were interesting #and recognised that they're likely the only kind of accommodation I'd be able to afford once I'm an adult #like YEAH YOUR POINTS ABOUT ROMANI APPROPRIATION ARE VALID and I am willing to listen. I know its frustrating #but also I've looked into the history of housetrucks within nz and the people who first built them? #they just built them out of necessity. not to mimic or romanticise romani suffering. I can't find any mention of romani inspiration #I SPECIFICALLY included photos of NZ HOUSETRUCKS ONLY and not romani wagons or similar because #a lot of new zealanders live poorly and have to resort to that lifestyle. SOME new zealanders live in housetrucks just because they can #but I guarantee you it is a very small amount because they're extremely inefficient and dangerous to live in #the only reason I was posting about them with such excitement is because I'm ecstatic about maybe being able to afford a home before I'm 40 #ranting about this in the tags and not in a reblog because goddd dude I don't want to look like some racist prick or something #to the person who reblogged the housetruck post with the stuff I'm talking about #if you're looking through my blog for whatever reason #I understand what you're saying but man that wasn't my intention at all #I'm a burnt out mentally ill IB student who made that post to cope with escapism #I didn't make it to erase romani lives or your culture I just made it because I need a hope for a liveable future #houses in new zealand usually cost over a million dollars I literally just want to look forward to living somewhere #warning bells in my mind right now please please don't twist my words it's 12am and I'm stressed out of my mind #god I feel awful I need to sleep #sick of being on the internet I am so so careful to be as respectful and careful as I can about topics #only to be accused of using gentrifying dogwhistles to appropriate a marginalised group of people ????? #for sharing photos of new zealand specific housetrucks and calling them 'kiwi culture' #I did not mean 'kiwi culture' as in 'invented by and owned by new zealanders' #I meant it in the same way that fish and chips are 'kiwi culture'. obviously we didn't invent either of those things. they just happen to b #a regular part of aotearoa life. RARHRHGHHH #fuck man I'm too worked up over this I never meant to be shitty or appropriate anything I just like housetrucks #I'm going to be a wreck tomorrow I'm too anxious to sleep #so sorry to anyone who bothered to read all of this #just needed. somewhere to put it

[chiisana-lion]

you can probably easily tie my mental state at any given moment to how much ive drawn in that same period

#in this case. not at all since the year started and god it feels awful #i miss drawing........ no matter how much i really want to nothing rly comes out its getting dire #i cant tell if its art block or burnout or a bit of both but its really doing a number on me #even that animatic i made an effort to start i didnt get past one section im in agony #and i need to start prepping my portfolio for college apps also.......... #its really been a new kind of downright terrible lately im really getting tired of crying myself to sleep every other night #grasping at straws and constantly distracting myself with manga or sudoku and thats been going absolutely swell #ngapain gw masih hidup juga ya #gk mau mati tapi dari kemarin juga udah ngerasa kayak zombi aja hidup begini #sighhhhhhhhhhh #duck rants about something

[parkeryangs]

ive learned to kind of. accept my sickness a lot more this year but some days ET is just so fucking miserable :(

#taking meds every single day to fix me but they DONT fix me its just slightly less bad #if i dont take them at the perfect time at night i will get so dizzy i cant even move (but irregardless i will get sick and dizzy anyways!) #sometimes im like idk do i even NEED meds bc its still awful with them but its so much worse if i ever go without #and i really havent been sleeping well for the last month or so which ALSO does not help at all........ #but i knoww my tremors are only going to get worse bc ive ALREADY declined a Lot since my dx #being this young with a disease common in middle aged + other adults is weird as fuck too like i've only been diagnosed for three years #i dont WANT it to keep getting worse for the rest of my life. i've hardly even LIVED any life. god #it makes me angry and i feel a bit bad for that but. nobody irl GETS IT #i literally cant do anything!!!!!! my eyes are shaking i cant read and w my hands i cant write rn. i dont have my guitar so i cant play tha

[axewchao]

You know what helps me during the cold weather? WARM HUGS!

Not a hug like you offered, but this still provides the warmth I am in desperate need of because it's cold as shit outside.

And it's only gonna get colder :'D

#hey look it's cartoon me #and lord knows I need all the warmth i can get #'specially after catching a cold last week #still recovering from it actually but dear GOD those first four days were AWFUL #i couldn't sleep- it hurt to swallow- i kept feeling like i had a fever despite the thermometer saying otherwise #now it's little more than coughing here and there but still #axewchaoscribbles #axewchao answers

[imwritesometimes]

opening my word doc today like

#god grant me the power to kill you if I don't get some FCKN SLEEP SOON #me last night: well I've had a sorta decent few days without taking anything to sleep. and I hate the zombie feeling when I DO take stuff so #I know I just won't take anything to nock me out like a big time prey animal at the zoo who needs a dental cleaning even tho #I can FEEL the no sleepy syndrome kicking into fifth gear #like you absolute MORON ur a zombie now anyway. are you happy? didn't take anything to sleep. still fucked. cause you didn't sleep. #hate 2am me she is AWFUL. what a dick. #erin explains it all

[hecksupremechips]

Feeling just every single kind of horrific now I’m literally living my nightmare and have no where to run anymore

#lost my home my escape from this place and now im forced back into this awful living situation in a horrible town #its taking a physical toll im dizzy my stomach hurts i cant sleep right im sweaty i cant breathe #its just not real like this just cant be real #i can hear them chewing through the walls and i want them to stop but i cant cover my ears cuz then im vulnerable #my curtains are gone everyone is watching me theres spies all over the town the all report to each other #nagging nagging nagging because my god im so incompetent i cant even make a phone call #ive literally procrastinated rescheduling a very important doctor appointment for 2 weeks now cuz i literally cannot remember to do it #if i run away itll be pointless cuz theyll just find me and bring me back here #i would do anything just to cry and sob cuz then id get to feel better but my body wont let me im like emotionally constipated #ive been for who knows how fucking long #my father tells me that i need to overcome my autism and that im just not trying hard enough and that i need to talk to jesus #i dont love anything here i cant be bothered to try #and the ‘support’ i get is just. a cheap way of forcing me in #im gonna explode im seriously so uncomfortable so fed up so terrified so nauseous #its not even a dream this time but maybe it is but maybe it isnt i dont know i just punch the wall but never bleed #i want to breathe but its not working

[transbee]

(voice of a man being dangled overboard off a rope for fun) hey guys what's up.

#having awful awful horrible full body horrific sleep paralysis nightmares with screaming crying thrashing etc 😃👍 so im gonna stay awake #(is 3am) (is exhausted) (will not be able to do that) #this isnt too abnormal for me in terms of my occasional Bad At Sleeping issues but by god i need to complain ab it i do feel as though #ive been set on fire with gasoline+matches and then had a bucket of water poured over me multiple times #my skin is on FIRRREEEE el oh ELLL. grauh #whatEVERRR gonna go take care of myself -_- or whatever. #.txt

[thirrith]

missed my family. thought seeing them for the first time in 3 years would help. it’s worse, actually. we’ve had a good few days (but not enough time, always not enough time, I would have made more time for them if I could but I couldn’t which my brain now tells me was my fault) and now I miss them even more

#life currently stuck in black mud #i have a terrible problem of pre-grieving every time i try to allow myself to be really happy #and it’s hard talking about this because my anxiety always links talking about the anxiety of loved ones dying in an accident to #the realising of those fears #this feeling is terrible and not even distractions work now #maybe i just need more sleep but i can’t i have shit to do #GOD this feels awful #it’s terrible. knowing you will lose them one day and not knowing when or how #and you just keep thinking. is it today? is it tomorrow? i’m not ready. i’ll never be ready

[niallandtommo]

.

#just saw some of my old bullies in church #they used to make fun of me all the time when i was younger #and i swear to god every little bit of self confidence that i built in the last 8 years leaves my body every time i see them #i don't see them very often because i don't go to church anymore #but today is christmas and i know it makes my dad happy so i decided to go with my parents #and when i saw them i felt this 🤏 small #i fucking hate this #the fact that everyone made fun of me when i was a teenager is so fucked up #i wasn't safe anywhere #i was bullied in school in church and even my grandpa my uncle and my cousin constantly made awful comments about my body #these people ruined my life #sorry for being so negative on christmas but seeing those guys just made me feel like i'm 16 again #anyway it was a good day up until that point #i ​spent a lot of time with my family and it was lovely #merry christmas everyone #i need to go to sleep lol

[vohtaro]

.

#not often i post smth and not five minutes later go wow !!! i shouldn’t have posted that that’s so awful LMAO #clearly i need to sleep but i’m also like. man. do ppl actually post things and not hate them within seventeen seconds or #personal #goodnight this time with feeling i mean it #<- oops i lied one more thing i hope this isn’t like. idk begging for pity i’m just like. i post shit and i’m like wow thank god that’s over #pride in effort who is she #but in other news my dog rubbed his nose on my arm which was the cutest shit in all the world so i shall focus on him now

[i-legitimately-dont-know]

current mood :/

#just feel like being dramatic pay no mind #i truly just need to go to sleep and i’ll be fine for at least a little while #i’m just frustrated with myself i feel so fucking stupid all the time and then keep putting myself in the same situation over and over again #insane shit #also just like motherfucker how are you so unaware of the shit you do and say like fucking hell #and like do you even give a fuck about me in any meaningful way or am i just an npc you can summon when you’re bored or need something #but at the same time i feel like i’m always bothering you god everything is so fucked #BUT YOU’RE LITERALLY SO CONTENT AND THAT’S WHATS REALLY FUCKED #quite literally how the fuck am i not over this i’m so tired and maybe i should’ve taken some space in december #but if i had i feel like we would’ve lost touch #and now we’re way closer than before but i can’t stop wanting shit that i can’t have and it’s pathetic #so i guess im just doomed like holy shit i want to be dating someone to move tf on but i truly don’t give a fuck about these tinder people #and like i said friends is fine and i meant it but i didn’t think it’d be so fucking hard #and with all the time we spend together like why tf don’t we just give it a shot just to see like fuck you’re not even a little curious #like am i that awful #i just wish i could care exactly the same amount as you do #i don’t wanna not be friends i’m just sick of feeling guilty cause my brain keeps saying like oh you’re a terrible friend #cause you only do xyz cause you think it’ll make them want you #and that’s not true #for the most part 🫠 #but also fuck maybe i just should not be around as much and like quietly get a little bit of distance #but i don’t want that shit lmao #wtf do i even do god i hate thisss #also fuck you cause you really have me going sometimes like things are different #but in your head you’re literally just saying things #FUCK UGH #anyway this should’ve been typed in my notes app lmao #but it’s already here and it’s almost 5am so presumably no one will see it

[paeonie-s]

im still freaking out abt denji that was such a good fucking chapter

#abt to go insane be warned college orientation is soul draining and awful csm is the only salvation !! #ASA. OH MY GOD HER BACKSTORY. the guilt and responsibility she feels bc someone chose to take care of her over themselves .. so so real #esp relating to parents looking back on how much my parents sacrificed for me i cant help but think that ive caused so many of their current #issues just by existing. bc they chose to turn down opportunities or stay in jobs theyve hated or sacrifice their health all for my sake #and so its so intensely difficult for me to entrust any of my issues to others or like. take up any of their space. living w roommates is #awful i was half asleep last night and my roommates came in and saw me sleeping and turned off the light. and stayed quiet while they walked #around the room. and it pissed me off for some reason bc i assume ppl are being polite/courteous out of some obligation they feel #and i dont like it when ppl assume what i want from them bc i assume itll breed negative feelings towards me #i understand logically ppl are good to others just bc but its not my gut reaction asa was so real istg #HER FRIENDSHIP W YUKO .. SO EMOTIONAL I CANT BELIEVE HOW GOOD THE ART WAS THE PURE DESPERATION. JUST TRYING SO HARD #TO DISREGARD THE FACT YUKO WOULD LIKELY WANT HER TO SAVE HERSELF BC SHE JUST WANTS TO BE THE KIND OF PERSON TO HELP OTHERS ... NOT FUNNY #DIDNT LAUGH. and denji ofc oh my god his intro. well worth it he is so iconic #the cat. need i say more #THE FACT HE TOOK DOWN BAT DEVIL THIS TIME AS FUCKING. COLLATERAL TO A MASSIVE FUCKING COCKROACH DEMON. THE GROWTH I MISSED HIM SM #anyways. read csm i need to find csm fans at college bc ik theyre here and i need to. Know Them. they get it #csm #🌸.txt